Appol PhD

Hi everyone, I was feeling a bit under the weather last week so decided to take it off from submitting, but I'm back with another submission. Thanks as always for the comments on the previous one! This chapter deals with a lot of the same threads as last time--particularly A's relationship with M and the discussion of gender. I'm curious to hear how they come across, and if there are other aspects of those dynamics that need more setup. Thanks!

@Silk I'll have a slot for tomorrow please!

Hi everyone, Thanks for the feedback on the last submission! In revisions I'll try to have the discussion answer some of the questions raised by the comments. For this submission, we're getting into the meat of act 3, and I'm most curious to see if by the end of the chapter the emotional hook for the interpersonal relationship between A and M comes across. Thanks!

I'll have a slot for tomorrow please!

Thanks for the heads up! I don't usually look at critiques until Sunday anyways (turns out I stress out like crazy about it unless I plan a specific time in advance lol), so I may not even notice

Hi everyone, Thanks for the comments last week! I'm glad to hear that the overall conclusion of part 2 felt all right, and I'll try to work on the clarity in revision. We're finishing up interludes and moving into part 3 today, which I'm hoping has a bit of a cleaner plot. But I guess the point of getting critiqued is to figure out and see! Thanks! (Also, looks like the comments for last week's sub got copy pasted into the email. Whoops.)

I'll have a slot for tomorrow please @Silk!

Hi everyone, Thanks for the feedback last week! Like I mentioned I'm planning to rewrite a lot of part 2, which I hope will help with the clarity near the end. For today, we have the end of part 2. No funny April Fool's Day shenanigans, unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately). Mostly I'm curious if the sacrifice here comes across well or if it feels contrived. Thanks as always!

I'll have a slot for tomorrow please @Silk!

Hi everyone, Thanks for the feedback last week, and I'm glad to hear that the submission read well! At this point we're getting into the climax of part 2, so I'm curious to see how it comes across. Thanks as always!

@Silk I'll have a slot for tomorrow please!

Hi everyone, Thanks for all the feedback on the last submission! I think I'll keep most of the broad strokes events the same, but adjust the buildup and work on streamlining the pre-battle dialogue scenes. I have a feeling that this one is going to also come across as a bit slow with dialogue that isn't immediately plot-relevant, so please do feel free to skim these sections once you get a gist of what they're talking about (especially since I'm over word count). I debated going in and making some more edits since I already suspect this will be an issue but honestly the amount of overhaul I'm planning for part 2 makes me think that it would be more helpful to get all the feedback first and then rewrite part 2 on a structural level. Thanks as always!

Hi @Silk can I have a slot for today please?

Hi everyone, We're jumping back into Everlasting Sunset with a submission that has a bit more action than the preceding ones. It's clear that I need to tighten up the overall narrative arc for part 2 but my current plan is to slot this in without too many big changes unless people feel that this needs big changes beyond changing the leadup to this moment. Thanks!

Hi @Silk I'd like a slot for tomorrow please!

Thanks @Silk @Mandamon for the feedback! As an update, I'd like to continue submitting this story but I had some chronic health issues flare up so we'll see how long it is until I'm in a place to keep submitting. Thanks as always for your all your comments so far!

Hi everyone, This submission focuses once more on A connecting with her soldiers while they infodump, which I'll probably change in revisions due to the consensus being that those scenes don't work for the story that well. If it feels the same way here feel free to skim since I'll need to revamp a lot of these kinds of scenes anyways. Thanks as always!

M is the bureaucrat who was getting on A's case in part 1, and then told A late in part one that they used to be a soldier and was secretly on A's side. It's been a while since we've seen them but they'll be important later. Thanks as always for the feedback!

I'll have a slot for tomorrow please @Silk!

Hi everyone, Again, I'm more interested in general comments from a quick read here since I think a lot of the individual scenes in part 2 are going to be overhauled regardless. Particularly, I want to focus more on the dynamic between A and Am which we get a bit of here in revisions, so it would be helpful to know how that comes across. Thanks!

I'll have a slot for tomorrow please @Silk!

Thanks for your comments @Mandamon! Since I've gotten multiple comments about this, I think for context I'll lay out my thoughts behind A's relation to gender (maybe this is worthwhile context for @Silk's future critiques as well). My grand idea (which even while writing draft 1 I was worried about being too hard to tackle) is for A in part 1 to not really understand her relation to gender, and see the minister/soldier divide as one of societal roles and power. Then starting in part 2, she comes to grapple with more of what that identity means. The idea is that the text mimics this--that the role of gender as identity groups that we recognize isn't apparent at the start but becomes clearer as the characters break from the system and gain a clearer understanding of self. The reason I'm interested in doing it this way is to shift the focus away from just being "X group that we immediately recognize from the real world is oppressed in this fantasy world" and more towards the process of self-discovery and straining against expectations. Of course, this isn't to deny that all of this needs more setup, and I'll try to find ways for A's introspection in part 1 to lead her here even if she doesn't understand gender as a concept at the start.

Happy New Year, everyone! Thanks a lot for the comments last time. I think I'm going to do pretty heavy revisions for the start of part 2, focusing on 1. A's struggle to understand own relationship with gender and 2. Her connection with Am and how she projects her own rigid understanding of gender onto him in an attempt to save him from the dysphoria she suffered from, similar to how she was trying to save P in part 1. So how does that tie into this submission? With the initial setup for part 2 needing a lot of work, I think it's inevitable that the rest of the part isn't going to feel as cohesive as it could be. Which means at this point I'm more interested in hearing what people think about the broad plot threads and what can potentially be done to tie everything together. Thanks!

A bit last-minute but I'd like a slot for this week please! @Silk

Excited to dig into the rest of this! Overall: The general flow of the conflict into climax into resolution went about as expected and I think works pretty well. My main constructive comments are as follows: -For the opening setting up G’s fun villain personality quite well, we don’t get to see too much of it in this second half. The focus on M’s connections with her friends teaming up to take him down didn’t hold my interest as much as G and M interacting directly. -M’s romance with T is a key part of not only the buildup, but the resolution. I think the arc of it needs to be clearer from the start if it’s going to be this important—maybe it’s just because there were a lot of names at once that I couldn’t keep track of, but I didn’t get a feel at all for this being an important emotional arc of the story near the start. -Related to this, for the setup of M’s emotional arc revolving around her guilt, I felt like we didn’t get a lot of motion there in this second half. I think there are connections that could be drawn with her being able to fight G nonlethally and relying on connections with T and friends to manage the guilt, but I think the story needs to do more work to tie all these pieces together. As I go: Pg 1. I’m guessing this follows precedent from your other work but I’m surprised that M doesn’t use typical swears Pg 3. I like the idea of M grappling with her guilt while in a life or death situation that’s further triggering it, but the end of the scene emotional turn doesn’t feel fully set up to me. I’d like to see more of this emotion throughout. Pg 5. I like the sense of direction here though it’s a bit hard for me to track who everyone is and what they’re doing—though that may just be me not being familiar with them from your previous work and taking a week break halfway through. Pg 7-8. Again I think party of my hangup here is not being familiar with Th, but the romance scene here feels like an interruption to the plot rather than something that aids it. The beginning of the story set up the external conflict with G being the worst and in the internal conflict with M’s guilt and the story doesn’t really tie this to either. Pg 10-11. I’m having a hard time following the action sequence—which tends to happen when I read sci-fi so that itself isn’t necessarily an issue—which makes me aware of how we’re not getting a lot of movement in the emotional plot right now. Pg 12. I think I’m missing how G got free after M and the others restrained him Pg 15. Now that G is fully restrained I need a new plot thread to hold my attention, and I’m not quite finding one in this conversation Pg 18. My first thought for Isle of Skye was the board game lol—comes from being an American who’s never visited Europe I guess haha Pg 19. The scenes after G’s defeated don’t carry a ton of weight for me since that’s where my investment was. I think there’s room to make the resolution quicker and more pointed.