krystalynn03

Notes Sorry for the delay. I had to get a wireless keyboard since I drizzled espresso all over my laptop keyboard like a boss. This submission is totally UNPOLISHED. (I have not/will not fix typos, etc until I get the content confirmed--please forgive the working mess) I mentioned last week in conversation on the thread about the difficulty I find having a scene with multiple people all tugging hard at the plot? This is that. I tried writing it from two different POV's, and so I'm throwing it to you guys to see which more people like. I'm leaning a certain way myself, but I thought it would be a fun shake-up in the kind of review/commentary we typically do on the board to submit it like this and see what different people think. One's about 1k long and the other is about 1100, so they should be pretty quick to read and compare. For This Update: Which version works better for you and why? Do the character interactions make sense? Is there anything illogical or overlooked while I'm shifting focuses around? What worked for you? What didn't work for you? Thanks!

So I sat down to put in revisions this morning...and spilled a nice cup of fresh espresso all over my keyboard. Now the enter key thinks it's the backslash and all other kind of mess. I may run late on submitting or have to bow out till next week.

Hey Kammererite! Line by Line First Impressions & Notes I wish this were back to back with your last submission because I can’t tell if I’m disoriented in the opening because of the narrative here or if I’m just suffering from weekly reader syndrome. “blood-memories” – I don’t know what this is, but I like the phrase. There’s just enough context in the conversation to help me infer what it means, and that’s enjoyable. Good job. “addicted” – I thought this felt a little odd in the last submission because it felt so modern, but I feel more accepting of it here. I think if I’d had more of a modern techno-fantasy feel out of the first sub (a setting problem) I would have accepted it easier then. “bark” – Why a bark? Is she an animal? Are there dogs around so that it might not be noticed by guards? Seems I’m missing something. “Thanks, Kang. I knew I could count on you.” – This whole conversation feels rushed, which is good because he should be in a rush, but it’s content and delivery feels a little cliché. Maybe rethink some of the phrases and make them a little more original. I did like the bit referencing the dad. It was so small that it felt like you’d used these characters in other stories or that you’d really put some thought into them. I really like him not realizing fully that he got shot in his fake leg. That was a nice way to end the scene on tense, but closing, note. I like hexahuts—I can picture it without explanation—but the repetition of hex in hextant stole some of the initial charm. Kang and Rakella’s following conversation runs almost too fast. While I appreciate not going to visit the redsmith if it wasn’t doing anything other than progress the plot, I do feel like the dialogue is jerking the narrative around a bit. “How did you get that wound?” – Some of the plot feels a bit contrived here. The dialogue feels a bit used. In my head, I feel like I’m watching an episode of a tv show rather than reading a fantasy short story. And now they’re arresting Kang? The guards/police in this city are starting to look like idiots. Overall Impressions I like the pacing. You have characters, who while not painted in detail, are defined enough for me to keep them clear in short story format. Some places are muddy where things are pushed too quickly or rely too heavily on tropes. I have no idea why Lumi's being framed because I couldn't make up or down of her description. Overall, though, I like that the whole thing has a clear sense of direction, and the grammar wasn’t as bad as last week’s… Keep going to the finish, but some turns of your story may call for a little more creativity in revision to make the plot a little fresher and less tv episode-like.

Hey Neon! Line by Line First Impressions & Notes Rags for curls? I don’t really picture this. Is this how she ties up her hair when she sleeps or something? “inky plumage” – I’m not sure if she’s got real plumes on those vestigial wings you mentioned or if you’re just speaking of her hair in metaphor Halfway down the second page and my attention is wandering. I’m getting so much tell and so little show and so much repetition of the money, money, money. You’ve already made your point in the narration last week that they’re barely holding things together. No need to keep beating it into the narration at this volume. Why is she walking back? Walking back where? That phrase makes it sound like she’s returning somewhere when the rest of the narration implies she’s moving forward. Floating carriage? I can accept htem, sure, but I would like more detail. Attention wandering and skimming through the first half of page three “golden wings” – So Lasila’s wings are gold, not black Oh, that was the acolyte. Maybe take out the ‘to Lasila’ earlier and then the pronoun would be clearer “blonde haired and winged” – This seems to suggest that not all the inhabitants of this town are? Hm. “a relief on her back to sit” – But Lasila is young? Do her wings make walking harder on her back muscles…? Skimming the first 3 paragraphs of page 4 because it’s all description and there’s no tension or suspense being built While I’m curious at the conversation between Maranthe and Lasila, the dialogue holding to such an elevated tone puts me out of the story. I now you’re going for a tone as an author because they’re in a temple and what not, but every line I read of it reminds me I’m reading a text rather than listening to two people talk. Overall Impressions: The continued descriptions of setting that aren’t impacting the plot is continuing to drag the narrative to a crawl. Those words might sound harsh if you haven’t gone through a lot of critiques, but you should know. Also, you don’t need to add anymore description to the goddess’ body. You evoked the moment just fine. I was hoping that there would be some surprise to draw me in to a real plot when she passed out and the priestess took her to another room for a private recovery and conversation, so the exaggerated apologies fell flat for me. I really wanted my curiosity piqued in some way, and it wasn’t. I see from your comments you’re 1/3 or so from your goal for the manuscript. Keep going and finish telling the story to yourself (as Stephen King says of any first draft), but I still suggest you take a heavy hand to revisions in the area of show vs. tell after you finish the novel. Thanks for submitting, and I hope to see you submit again soon, regardless of the severity of my critiques thus far.

Better!

I think I'd like to submit Monday, if it doesn't fill up. I'll be the first to bow out if others want in, though, since I already submitted this week.

November, <R>, really? :rolleyes: You can do better than that. You get a free pass while jet-lagging, but after that...get that pen to paper!

Thanks for the uplifting words, <R>! I would like to try submitting this after I've beaten it into the best form it can be with all the critiques and thoughts I've used from so many excellent minds around the board. Also, your line by lines are spot on and make me wonder why I didn't notice those issues before. Thanks, <R>!

And, uh, when are YOU submitting, <R>?

“one of the great canals that spiraled upward through the city. It was still in use, by the sound, but the constant roar she remembered from her childhood” – Canals don’t roar, by definition, in canals the water is essentially static and the vessels require an independent source of propulsion. If water is flowing, these are aqueducts. Even then, they are not well designed. Roaring water implies large amounts of energy, which results in big problems for the designers, water with big energy imposes massive loads on structures carrying it. Bad design. Trust <R> on this. He knows all the things! :D :D

Hi there Eagle! Line by lines first: “,always at an intersection” – this modifying phrase has an unclear antecedent. I’m not sure if you mean the graffiti at intersections or at that holds up the scrap paper always at intersections “yes, there, a rainbow fish” … “throwing his shadow” – The deep third threw me for a moment, but once I accepted that as a trope you threw in an omniscient phrase (must be omniscient because he’s not looking behind him or concentrating on his shadow now) I like both phrases okay, but I prefer the imagery to the thoughts in narration. Coupled together they feel a bit odd, though. “Fury Priest” – I’m really glad for this phrase because I was just hoping for some kind of surprise. So far nothing in the narration has hooked me yet. “A multitude of …ceiling” – Consider cutting this summary sentence? I was reading it and it gave me no visual information, and I was relieved to see you give actual specific pictures right after it. Do you really need both? (Not sure…) “not to play/look too closely” – Repetition typo “of course” – should have a semicolon or period after it Overall, this setting paragraph felt a little bulky. Consider tightening some of the the wordier sentences and cutting vague descriptions to keep the juicier bits “I wish to curse someone” – Drawing me in a little, about at the same interest level as I was when you mentioned ‘Fury Priest’ “How much discomfort” – liked this “Tripping on the ground” – This is a fun defiance of my expectations. All this worry over being seen or caught and the guy just wants the other guy annoyed? Amusing. Why the line break? The POV, time, and setting didn’t change. And another at the end? Overall Impressions: I’m always suspicious of prologues, even in published books picked up off a shelf at the store. If a prologue’s job is draw in my curiosity and set up some important info as background knowledge for later in the book, then this particular prologue has succeeded a little more than halfway. I’m assuming this Burrus guy will show up later, and you did accomplish some world-building, but nothing in here hooked my curiosity too hard. Even the one surprise—that the curse was something trivial—wasn’t really enough for me to know I would want to read the rest of the book. The hook needs to be really strong because I’m presuming the masked character/this particular summoner aren’t going to be seen soon or again at all, since this is a prologue, and I am therefore not evaluating the characters as people to get attached to and root for. The prose is overall pretty strong with only a few minor punctuation errors, but some of the places written specifically for description drag a little with extra info. If this part of an unfinished manuscript, I wouldn’t worry about any of that until the whole story’s down on paper, though. To answer your question, nothing was confusing, just a bit unpolished in places. Thanks for submitting and I hope you submit again soon!

Yes, there were labeled maps and diagrams. It was LEGIT. No, we weren't so big on suing back in the 90s...

Good morning, Mandamon! Thanks, as always, for taking time to read, and especially for thoughtful criticism. Don't apologize for your engineer's brain. I like it when I have to ask my self a new question that I haven't considered before. While Roamwald's skin should be thicker than a smaller mammal's, for the purpose of the story it can't be so thick that a bullet can't penetrate deep enough to bleed. For his ear, the bullet grazed the fleshy, highly vascular ear lobe. I got cut as a kid by a hairdresser, barely snipped at the side, and let me tell you, it bled and bled and bled, but it didn't hurt very bad. There's just a lot of blood pumping through that part of the ear. Obviously, it wasn't pain free, but it didn't make a ten year old cry. On the subject of Roamwald's risk, he's not in danger at all. He knows he's not. Notice that he hasn't made any move to escape, and he didn't freak out when he got shot the first time. He stayed put because he knows they can't kill or seriously injure him with those guns. I'd think the bullet lodged in his wrist is the equivalent of a bleeding bee sting. It's annoying. It's painful. It needs to be dug out, but it's not going to kill you and he knows it. Even a group of people firing on him with those rifles couldn't mortally injure him, hence the cannon, so no contradiction there. Does that clear things up? I think you got hung up on the skin idea, and if you had the whole novel at once, you wouldn't have confused cannons killing vs. this gun just wounding/annoying a Westermann. However, if you think it's a problem in the text itself, I could probably clear up the degree Roamwald's wounds are affecting him...but the next chapter already does that...so I'm not sure if that' just weekly reader syndrome. Anyway, I'll keep your feedback in mind. I appreciate your insights. Thanks.

Hey there EagleotFP! First of all, let me say I'm sorry I haven't read your submission yet. I've had to organize and put on a graduation and an end of year party and summer school program over the last three days and haven't had any free time without being exhausted since the weekend. I hope to get to everybody else's stuff today or tomorrow. I'm trying to pinpoint exactly what you mean by 'resolve too quickly' using the explanations that follow that sentence. I definitely agree that I need to do something to shore up the father's reaction and not giving him more attention somehow is an oversight of doing this from Jennie's POV. I tried to show his reaction when he lost track of the fight for a moment and freaked out noticing Roamwald. I suppose in stead of rushing to the scene I could have him show up, freak out at Roamwald, then freak out at Leon only after Leon starts trying to shoot again... That would slow the scene down some and give a little more process time. Hm. I'll think about that. Thanks for prompting me to consider some different options. As far as Roamwald's wounds go, he's still feeling them, but since Jennie is further from him she's not catching the details as much. Again, though, this could be author oversight and maybe I need to throw in a phrase closer toward the end of the chapter showing it better. I'm leaning toward the latter, and will look for a spot to kick that up a notch. Thanks for giving me some good insights, especially since you're just jumping in here!

Hi Kammererite! Thanks for reading. You're right that bifurcation is extremely rare, but trust me when I say I have a really good reason for using it. I don't want to say anything and telegraph too much about the last arc of the book too soon, though. If things don't make sense by the time we get to the last few chapters, then I'll search for some less odd description. Rather, I'm hoping the fact that this is odd will draw readers' attentions and help them remember this detail later... Also, all three people who've had time to comment so far felt there was something missing in Will's response to the situation so I will definitely try to beef that up. In other versions of this chapter (completely different writes of it, some from Roamwald's POV) I think I've made it more obvious how last minute he's arriving, but this is obviously a weak spot still and I need to get a better reaction out of him. Thanks! I'm happy to have an area to make stronger. I've always worried that this chapter and the next have been a bit "muddy." There's so many characters with differing views and reactions that I always feel like I'm overlooking somebody in lieu of focusing on someone else. Does anyone else ever have that problem when writing scenes of groups of 3+ characters? Thanks!

For This Update: Always the pacing--what parts moved well for you, what dragged, how does it feel in the overall? Did the character interactions work for you? Was the scenery imagery clear enough? What worked for you? What didn't work for you? I'm uncomfortable with some of Leon's stuff. Please let me know if anything stood out in a bad way in that part. Thanks as always!

Hey Spieles, Glad you’re back with us this week. Hope you’re feeling less overwhelmed by…stuff! “magnetars” – The curse of submitting every other week—I’m trying to remember what magnetars were…vehicles of some sort? “all-directions waterfall” – This is an example of when your imagery tickles my imagination in just the right way! “It’s feels just like” – typo there “use a seatbelt to haul myself up” – Great image. “at full speed ahead” – So was the golf cart driven remotely? I can’t tell if there’s someone with Oz or not? “rubber lion” – Pascal. Didn’t you mention you cut a bit about her from some earlier chapters? If so, I’m ready to say now at this point that I wished you had given us a little bit more about her so that I feel a connection too as a reader at this moment. “closet” –closest typo Food, housing, Calgary, etc – I feel like I’m missing something. Was it Pascal sending the pings or not? If she’s not connected to Penton, then how’d she do it, if she did it, and if she didn’t do it, who did? Johnny—Is he dead? I’m not sure from the dialogue. “pents” – I like this pejorative “peak” – You meant peek. (I typo that all the time) “extra Number Nine” – Oh gee. O__o I won’t ask. …and now I know Oh gee, so that’s what Hayden was on? I wondered at the “D” for drugs rating earlier… Nice cliff hanger ending. I figure he should have checked those pings!!! Overall, great update. The beginning was a little rocky, but that might be because of the break between updates reading in this format. The stuff going on the city has a good pace and I have good questions rolling around in my head. As usual, your imagery is great, and this time none of it felt a little too much. Looking forward to next submission!

Are you planning to submit this anywhere? I really did enjoy it as a stand alone piece and would like to see it published somewhere!

Hi there Neongray, welcome back to the board! “knew the goddess was dead” – Nice first line. It opens the story with a question in my mind. “should go” – I like the deep 3rd, but here since it’s the first chapter, I felt a little left hanging not to know where she should go—probably the funeral, but the next sentence didn’t confirm, so I still feel a little lost here Description of brother is good, although the sentence is a little unwieldy in its phrasing “listened to dictates…lowlanders?” – Another couple sentences with good info, but again, a little unwieldy. I understand what they mean just fine, but they’re so long I can tell you’re trying info-dump the reader really fast with setting rather than feeling like a natural progression “Just as well…infrastructure” – At this point, this has turned into full expo-bomb, and I’m starting to worry if plot will happen… “arcanists…lowlands to fight and die” –And I’m officially scanning more than reading now because you’re not giving me anything about the character to hang onto or care about after two hefty paragraphs “mother directly and mother indirectly” – A little character development…but not generating sympathy because it’s so embedded in exposition “wondered if she should miss her more. Or at all.” –Now I’m growing more interesting in Lasila as a character. “oil was plentiful” – Hm, why? Who’s producing it if the population has taken such a hit? “Varinen” – Father or brother? “half a taenosil” – I’m not against fantasy vegetables, but I wish you’d given me a mental image to go with it “Varinen back” – So it is the brother. Wish I’d known the first time. Book on Swordfighting – If Lasila takes up sword fighting soon, I’m okay with this. If not, I feel like this paragraph is wasting my time, and furthermore, makes me wonder how Lasila has luxury time to sit and read when she has to be bothering with hauling water. That kind of chore suggests a hard life where everything is manual. “taenosil meat” – Oh darn. It was an animal? Again, wish you had told me that up front… Physical descriptions: These aren’t bad world and character building details comparing her with her brother, but it would still be better if it were spread out along plot rather than stopping the story for it. Lasila worried about her brother marrying: Seems the opposite ought to be true. A wife would mean more expenses in the house, more mouths to feed, and when she gets pregnant, even more mouths to feed. The brother should be the better bread winner here, therefore, it seems if this is a patriarchy as you suggest, that Lasila would feel the pressure more than Varinen… “landing anyone” – This sounds really modern compared to the rest of the prose And now I see the sister is worried about herself more than him, complain retracted “It’s not like I’m abandoning you” – I’m wishing I had some suggestion of her age at this point Overall thoughts: You’re exposition heavy through-out. Things picked up when the brother came home and they started interacting. I like that you’re able to communicate a social class level well, but I feel like Lasila is still a seed of a character, not fully developed yet, like some of her actions and dialogue are wavering and not quite agreeing with each other. Some of Varinen’s lines dragged as he expounded on the same idea over the course of several sentences. Tighten up the whole thing and it’ll run better. Also, I suggest introduce some deeper tension earlier in the chapter, something to give me real cause to wade through the world building for. Thanks for submitting!

I would also like to submit Monday if possible

The trombone qualifies you for the job.

I like symbols, too. They stick out so much!

I haven't gone through the whole submission yet, but the head-hopping was seriously jarring, so I'd like to weigh in as agreeing that that element needs addressing.

Thanks, Kammererite! I want it to feel as real as it can!

Hey <R>, I think you should organize a fantasy series Hurt'n'Heal on this board...