krystalynn03

People do stupid stuff all the time... Get a population large enough of people doing a thing and something will go wrong somewhere...

Don't hate the playa...hate the game. No, don't hate the game, <R>, this is a fabulous social phenomenon! I haven't seen this many people in their 20s-30s all in one place since college.

Sometimes looking up the etymology and synonyms of a term can shake a new idea loose!

I'm excited to see the revisions!

First: Congrats, kaisa! Second: I'd like to take a look. I don't mind spoilers. And third is a confession: I have read no submissions nor written a jot since Pokemon Go came out. Yes, #millenialproblems. In other news, I was also on vacation in a very scenic area on the west coast, which also contributes to no computer for a week hence no writing. Gonna' try to play a little catch-up now!

Interesting point. I'd never thought of that.

How did this go, kaisa?

Agreed! In a hundred years from now, no one will be reading HP anymore...but I'm afraid Millenials' childhood perspectives of great literature were ruined by the HP craze... Anyway, now that I'm done carping on JKR... Herzlichen willkomen, Alfa! Ich hoeffe dass, wir deine Geschichte bald lesen koennen! Die Leute hier haben unterschiediche Meinungen aber sie sind alle sehr freundlich.

What is carping?

Hi there Mandamon! Looking forward to seeing how the plot pans out! LBL’s & First Impressions: · “Amra’s eyes blazed, but she nodded.” – I still haven’t connected to Amra as a character…hopefully your revisions end up making her more likeable. I know you wanted to contrast her character with some of the crew, but I think she trumps most of the crew in importance because of her effect on Prot… I know you’re already working on/thinking about this. Here I wish she gave him something—anything other than ‘don’t you get hurt.’ She feels more like a nagging mother than his lover. It’s not the line that’s a problem…just her character never feeling like someone I wanted to root for. · “welder, or at least its ancestor was” – LOL J · “Wima coughed. Red ran down her chin” -- !!! · “Burping cough” – This threw me off. I’m still not sure what happened—is that a distraction noise made by Saart or just the weird noise of his gun? · “Thanks to Amra” – I’m not sure what she did, either, but I am glad she did something. · Not sure the info on Sureriaj families is necessary here since you already did your work of defining their culture so well earlier. · “Any Methiemum…social prejudice from the Sureriaj” – I don’t think you need this explanation, either. I’ve got WRS from getting bits of the story over the course of a month, but I can think of plenty of reasons I wouldn’t want to live on their planet…even after 3 or 4 weeks displaced from reading about it. A: The pacing is always good. As you can see from LBL’s after the action scene got going I stopped looking at details at all and just wanted to read. You got me out of critique mode and into just-wanna-read mode. That’s good! J You also did a good job of making every seed you’d sewn through the story fall into place. B: This didn’t feel like a submission that went over wordcount limit, so no complaint here! C: Some of the wording and blocking left me confused. Pointed it out in the LBL’s. D: This is the weakest area for me. I still don’t really believe Amra and Prot’s relationship. I do like that Amra came to help, but then when it was only to get herself shot (regardless of ‘saving’ everyone else), it took some of the steam out. It’s just like the first part when she went out selling. Every time she takes agency, it just fizzles or causes more problems for Prot. The ending was satisfying and felt good, even with some of the bumpier spots along the way that I know you’re still working out. I’m not sure why you titled it Escapade of Silence, so I don’t have much of an opinion on that. It seems a neutral title to me—nothing in it inherently would draw me to pick up or pass by the title if I was looking only at words on a bookshelf. Overall, this is a good story, and I’m curious to see what the revised version ends up looking like. The world felt strong and believable as always in a comfortable, familiar kind of way. I think the crew’s characterization was stronger when they were first introduced and they became a little less dinstinctive as the story went. I’ve finished the whole thing now and I can’t tell you who is who. I can remember their names: Kamuli, Bhon, Saart, but I can’t remember what they looked like or which had which personality. I mention that only because it might inform you a little when you’re deciding finer details of descriptions and so on. Thanks so much for sharing and I hope some of this was helpful or informative.

I see. Reckon that depends on what they're writing...should get some interesting responses.

Hey Spieles, Looking forward to another installment! LBL’s & First Impressions: · “I feel threatened.” “Insufficient.” – LOL · Mural: I like this idea, but something about the delivery felt a little bulky. I do wonder what it says about the company itself (or her mother) that they indulge and decorate with such disgusting (pardon) art. It doesn’t exactly fit with the lake scenes and calm abstracts that hospitals usually decorate with. I’m not citing this as a problem, but rather as a point of interest. · Hm, not sure why Brick changed its mind so quickly? · The flirting: the guy got a lot more description than the girl…not a problem, I just noticed that the attention seemed focused on him when I would think Oz’s attention would be better split while he’s trying to measure the whole situation. Maybe I missed something? · “It doesn’t beep and open.” – Oh snap. · Seer? Or sear like a burn? · Dion…and she knows him. Now I know why you biased the description toward him earlier. · “I’ll see you around.” – Oof. Cold. · Fara – This threw me. I thought it was another character. I might remember this is Pascal’s first name or something if I didn’t have WRS… · “Calgary is fine. A bullet is nothing for him.” – And I have a sudden premonition that Calgary is going to get converted into a Rex at some point in this book. Overall: As usual, you achieved the writer's main goal in fiction: you entertained me! I'm cool with Oz and Pascal's interactions, but I felt like all that work to get to Hayden only to get a pretty short interaction felt a little off. I liked the truncated reactions they had, though--that kind of weird relationship thing where you're not sure how to get along with someone when the setting is different from when you met. I read your thoughts at the top and do think that sounds feasible--make the adults more conservative in their risk taking and Hayden more aggressive. It suits her personality. For that matter, she might not even be actively pushing Oz to go himself but pushing him to do what he thinks he should do, putting the agency even more back in his hands and judging from his mess with the bombs at the beginning of the book, it's perfectly in his character to cook up and try to pull of something risky. I'm just waiting to see this whole thing in print. ****************** And I just read your comments on the planned changes. Overall, I like. Also, I see that my Calgary premonition was right!

Hey Carcinios, I wonder if no one's responded yet to this because it's such a big question. I don't know that I'd like to write in a shared universe. Part of writing fantasy is the worldbuilding, and that's part of the fun. I think that if you had to clear your ideas with a group consensus or worry about remaining consistent with what other people wanted to do with the rules of the world that it might get annoying and slow creativity rather than foster it. On the other hand, if you brainstormed up something really cool with someone and got a lot of synergy going, I could see how it could still lead to fun projects.

Amen to that. Also, welcome, Ghando!

Hey, welcome to the board, I enjoyed your submission. I didn't do LBL's--seems you've got plenty to pick through already. I enjoyed that the story felt very whole, very complete, like it had a really natural progression to it. There was enough world-building that I felt like I was in a fantasy setting, but nothing that hit a cliche button or a TL;DR button. Good job! I liked that I could feel Chisa's character well adn that you let minor characters stay minor (siblings). I liked the imagery for the wizard, though I do think he needs a little work, some tweaking somehow as others have mentioned. There were a few things that pushed me out of the story because they didn't feel credible: Chisa's age: she felt more like 14 year old or so--also it'd be more believable that she's running the place by herself if she were older than 12; on the other hand, if running the shop were a little more challenging for her, it might add a little more oomph to her choice to pursue wizardry. I like the light-hearted, quick pace of the story as is, but if Chisa were having more of a struggle with acting as an adult so young, it might make the wizarding feel more integral to the story progression The bandits did feel convenient--I like rdpulfer's mention that some foreshadowing would make it feel a little more natural. Thanks for submitting!

This from the man who stuck his MC's inside the bilge of a ship for kicks and kicks and giggles...

Hey Mandamon, I started to do LBL's, but I didn't want to slow down and fool with them...which is a good and bad thing! Mostly there's some missing words and some strange comma usage spread throughout that you can catch later when you're odne with content level stuff. A: Infertility drugs! It makes complete sense with everything you've told us about the Sureri so it's like an inevitable surprise. Very good. B: Stuff dragged around page 9-10. Also Amra and Prot's convo about settling down when they've hashed out the same thing various times before. Descriptions of traveling around town...repetitions of setting of cargo area C: The reveal of the cargo--something in the steps of the reveal made me have to reread to figure out what was going on. Also, the flow of the conversation among the crew to decide what to do didn't really work for me...I didn't feel invested. It seems too displaced from any real threat to the main characters. D: I didn't really have any disbelief moments. Thanks for submitting!

I didn't read it that way...but when I tried to remember his name, that was the first thing that came to mind. Not trying to irk <R>...nor do I think he needs to change the name...but that's what I keep seeing in my head when I try to remember the tertiary character.

Hey <R>, I emailed the LBL's and specific comments to you. A: The ending is much improved. I especially appreciate the torn scrap of cloth, proving it wasn't just a blackout. I also like that you developed Magdi and the Traveller more. As people and yourself have already noted, it's not fully polished yet, but I like the direction you're going. The battle scenes are also easier to follow. I feel much more invested in all the characters in this version. Good job! B: As always, Fermerald and Dummkopf, er, Dumkald. I don't want to repetitively fuss when you haven't had time to revise, so I won't fuss, but any paragraph I see starting with those two means you're just taking care of narrative necessities and I tend to scan. C: Blocking and scene shifting and some dialogue tags. D: WInner, winner, chicken dinner--no complaints here again! I know you're taking a break from HTB for a while, but thanks so much for sharing...if it improved this much in just one more round, I'm excited to see version 3.0 (when you're ready to do it)!

Hey there Spieles, Good to have you back! LBL’s & First Impressions · Not sure if the ‘for’ in place of because really fits the narrative voice up until now. It changes the tone—maybe look at that later when you’re in more fine tuning stages of pass throughs. · “As a child, I knew you as Oz.” – Comma makes it sound like she’s referring to herself, not Oz. Maybe even move the phrase to the end to sound more like conversation and make the meaning clear. · Names: Siefried Aerworks (Air-works—the mask guy with ‘air’) and then Krieger (the warrior) defense of course. Most people might not be bothered by how obvious the name connections are here, but it pushed me out of the story to have two people so conveniently named to grow up to match their surnames in a row. · I like Krieger and Midge fussing at each other—although it might be slightly maid and butlery to have them hashing out something that obvious to each of them. Maybe you could pull in Oz to the dialogue and get him talking—make it less butlery and give Oz a little more activity at the same time. Just a thought. · I like Ziegfried nerding out. · “Did you forget who you’re talking to” –typo · Teacup rolling in its saucer – This image isn’t make sense. Teacups aren’t round enough to roll. Not sure what you want me to picture. · Crazy knows crazy—ain’t that the truth? · Something you need to know – Oh dear. This is going to bite him in the butt, isn’t it? Overall: You pulled me into the story as hard as usual, and you’ll notice that I stopped LBLing in the last 1000 words or so because I was sucked into the dialogue of planning and so on, which is good. I didn’t want to slow down to comment. Your pacing is still really good. I like that you move through the scenes in a way that’s always pushing the plot forward. You took Oz through some big steps here from not trusting his mom a chapter or so ago and now he’s going to try to save her. I felt like Pascal’s mom is a little convenient, much like all the other characters’ parents. I won’t fuss; I’d hardly put down the book over that, and if suspending my belief there means the overall story is tight and keeps the pages turning I’ll overlook it. The tone of your voice is different from earlier chapters, but I think you mentioned that there were some revisions going on, so I assume this is less polished that some of those first chapters. I kinda’ like it though. I’d like to see the final version (imho) somewhere between this current voice and the voice of the first chapters. Some of that techno-imagery is good and gives the whole thing a unique feel, but if the entire book is too loaded down with them, it might over season the meat, you know what I mean? Something to chew on in later revisions. Thanks for submitting and I look forward to the next installment!

Play your second trombone, <R>! If not, shoot it my way and I'll be happy to alpha read for you this week.

For sake of balance in feedback when you get to revising, I have to mention I disagree with this. There are a couple sentences here and there that are a bit winding with unclear antecedents and such, but typically, your sentences are structurally sound. Making every last one perfect is very late revision work; letting a few slide by until you're 100% sure you're satisfied with your content is fine. Otherwise, you could spend hours laboring over edit level work only to cut them in a huge swath due to a revision choice. My two cents.

Hey Robinski, This is much improved in many aspects over HTB 1.0 (or is this 3.0--I saw you mention going forward with a 4th revision?). I made LBL comments way earlier in the week, but I've been on the road and hauling in and cleaning crappie with my dad, so I got a bit distracted from the writing world this week (and last). Awesome: I still feel really engaged by the opening. The eternal, sunless light makes the world feel tangible and yet surreal at the same time. You do a really great job evoking the feeling of the afterlife in very few words. "Welcome to hell, Harth." -- I don't remember this line from before; it does deliver a nice punch. The conversation of explanation is much tighter and easier to follow; also, Harth's motives seem clearer. Not 100% better, but still improved. The step-by-step revelation that his army consists of the villager who died in the war is a nice punch Magdi's dialogue is much improved Bored: The walk to the citadel has some moments that are repetitive--the internal monologue cycling on itself a bit The description of the inside of the citadel-- I fussed about this the first time and I stick to my guns on this one. I feel like it's a let down that nothing feels surreal inside the castle after I feel so transported by the unnatural landscape. I still want some kind of surprise or creative image here or half the description. The battle: I don't feel like you're upping the stakes here enough yet in this version--yet. While reading, I realized, I wanted to know where Magdi was in the fray. I think if you pulled her in here, like Harth worrying about where she is in the battle or if she can carry herself through it before getting wounded, maybe due to distraction, would bring me back into the narrative Confused: I still don't know why you need 3 named deputies when none of them do anything integral Why is the horde described early on as monsters and then they're just largish, angry people? Still struggling to reconcile those two different details in the narrative Don't Believe: Didn't hit this button this time! Overall, hang in there! You're headed in the right direction. This version isn't perfect yet, but you've made really big strides in the right direction with the narrative. I just think there are a few things that need streamlining still, but I'm waiting to see part 2. Wish you were still planning to submit, but I certainly respect taking your time to get the product you want before presenting it. Also, thanks for always being a constructive voice for everyone's submissions. You set a good example.

Has anyone ever done Camp NaNoWriMo?

Those little guys sneak by everybody! As far as Pascal goes, I'm willing to wait and see how it all reads once you've got the whole thing worked through again. Hopefully, I can take a look at the whole at that point, if you want. As far as catching up...please don't. LOL. I'm scrapping the last two submissions. There were some problems on a structural level and I'm reworking 17-19 from scratch.