krystalynn03

I'm trying to rework some serious structural problems in the middle arc and am nowhere near submission ready, but maybe someday. I'd like to see what everyone's pitches look like, though. Good luck!

Hey Mandamon, Happy Summer Solstice (a day late)! LBL’s and First Impressions: · Skipping made-up quote because I do it to everyone, even Tolkien · “delicate…nature” – Enjoying the MC’s narrative voice · “I wasn’t worth that much.” – Enjoying the narrator’s voice again. You’re doinga good job (and in general) of tempering world-building with entertainment · “Are you sweating?” – Kind of wish I had the narrative in front describing where and why she was asking this rather than finding out after the dialogue. · “I forgot to … Kamuli opened…” Who’s speaking here? I assume MC, but the paragraph breaking doesn’t suggest it. I suggest tagging that second sentence into the same paragraph that Kamuli’s dialogue is in below. · “octopus mated with a circus tent” – fun image · “I could feel a trickle of sweat…” Maybe cut the ‘I could feel’ since we’re in Prot’s head well enough that that much is assumed. · “inkling of what the hexagon might be” – Suspense rising. I’m hooked right now. · “I saw what was coming” – The what here made me thing it was a physical what, not an action, and so I had to reread. · Maji Info: Well done here. It feels organic and real and doesn’t go on too long. · “All of them are like this?” – If this is protag, move this to the former paragraph to suggest as much. Otherwise, put a dialogue tag or I can’t be sure who’s talking. · At this point I’m really wondering how the Surieraj think this is going to get past customs if Prot doesn’t know how. That might be a good question or a bad question, depending on if you wanted your reader to wonder that at this point. · “anti-seiuzing capsules” – Oh snap. Now I’m really worried for the group. · “Won’t we, Prot?” – This seems kind of unusually informal to call first names in a business setting. Did I miss a detail? · Nope. It answered itself a page later. Concern withdrawn. · “you don’t know everything, missy” – I like that they don’t get along. Adds texture to the world that even minor characters seem to have a life outside the plot · The descriptions of Prot blacking out are a little unclear Awesome: You paint the world and characters in a fun way that keeps the plot flowing and I can believe in it. Boring: I wasn’t. Confusing: The bit at the end where he blacks out Don’t believe: None of the character intereactions jumped out this time…although Prot and Amra’s relationship is starting to feel a little one note. She just said last time she could accept his lifestyle for now, but he’s dangling that same carrot as before in front of her. Just a thought. I don't remember the crew's descriptions...but I don't know if that's writing based or WRS...so I can't answer that question...

Go for it!

Hey Kammererite, Glad you had time to submit this week! LBL’s (minus grammar) and First Impressions: · Sweating—At first I thought he was getting sick…but he’s suffering from withdrawals, isn’t he? · Why does the coppery scent mak him gag? · “Ella can you stay here” – I need to know who’s talking. I assume Kang, but you changed paragraph… · “Vindicator” – I’m still not really clear on Kang’s background as a character. For the most part that’s cool because of the pacing of the story and it doesn’t bother me, but here I wish I’d gotten a little more info. · “Good day, Sor Kangalak” – I didn’t really follow the logic that he was accusing/suspecting her until the conversation was almost over. · Bartender: Does it have to be a bartender? I like that the MC is staving off addiction problems with alcohol—that feels very real and interesting, but the bartender paid off for knowledge bit deflates the interest for me because it’s just so overdone. · Attack sequence: I like the imagery you give us, but I found myself skimming this bit because at this point in the story I want to feel like the stakes are higher. The action moved well though. · Ending: This is a good high end point, but I still wanted a little more. Overall: This reads at a similar pace to the last two vials, but there weren’t any parts where I felt quite so confused as I did when reading previous segments. Although I’m happy to let some tropes of the genre slip by and not fuss over them being more heavily constructed than they are, I’m starting to wish I had more personal investment in Kang. I believe him as a character (not much in vial 1, but in 2 and 3 yes), but even though the stakes are rising in the basic plot, I wish things were rising for him on a more personal level, something coming to a head, you know? Like his addiction or legitimate threat to Lumi, or fall out or surprise of some sort? Thanks for submitting and I look forward to the next one! (And good luck with your move!)

Oh good news. Looking forward to it. But I see you went from City-Boy to "That Darn City Boy" ...lol what mischief have you been up to...never mind. Don't tell us!

I'm always in favor of finishing a thing first. You never know what content you'll put in toward the end that might cause even more revisions later. Otherwise, you might repeat the revision cycle more than you would have had to. Maybe. Just thoughts.

I'm looking forward to the next installment!

Hey Mandamon! Glad you could submit again this week. LBL’s & First Impressions: · “generally isolationist” – You did a good job already with making this clear about their culture. Probably don’t need to remind the reader here. · “very large amount of money” – I wanted parallelism here. “a very large amount of money in a very short amount of time” · “skeletons of shelving” – nice metaphor · “eyah” “yer” – This isn’t kind of accent I associate with musical. · “faces as ugly to my species” – seems like you’re missing the other half of that comparison? · ‘that fuzzy” – Enjoying the race tensions you’re setting up. · Considering the amount of time the MC spends reacting to that whistle, I had to wonder why Bhon did it for a lot of sentences until I got my answer. Felt a little disjointed there. · I like the detail about merchant circles. Made me feel like the MC’s really a trader. · “wasn’t no longer” –double negative typo · “Fuzz” “StepUp” – Like the invented drug names · “cousins of some sort” – I kind of want some comment here about whether offworlders can identify familial likeness. Off topic, but just a thought. · “yer ken” – ken…that’s a very Scottish word to know. I’m starting to be bothered that these aliens are pulling off an increasingly Scottish style accent unless it’s that way because they primarily talk to Scots. Otherwise, if this is supposed to represent the accent of their alien language influencing English, then I’m moving this into the not believable category. · Surreptitiously—secretly? Stealthily? How is he sneakily wiping his palm? I mean, he can, but it pushed me out of the narrative. · “It cut down on the bickering” – Nice comic relief after the suspense · “Tell me you didn’t lie!” -- And the tension is back up! · “The Sureriaj were family oriented, each family doubling as a government” – That first half of the sentence is really hitting the reader over the head with that info. I suggest you cut straight to the government bit. · “without selling the spices” – Oh, I hope this comes to a head between Amra and Prot later… · “war over trading” – I’m not sure how important this was to your universe, but I wished it was something other than trading to make it feel like there are other people in the universe beyond traders right now. · “I shouldn’t push you” – Gosh, that was a fast turnaround. · “It felt good to be home” – A little disappointed everything went so smoothly. I thought when he got the receipt that he couldn’t read that it might be leading to unforeseen trouble. No complaint on the writing—just different from where my hopes as a reader were going as I went. Overall, this installment was much easier to follow than the first. (This seems to be a trend among everyone’s submissions.) I liked that your story still has good pacing, even if the last segment (no blow up over the lie and no foul-up in the portal fell a little flat for me. I think you’re balancing world-building well, although the paragraph where you described the waiting line with all the races did leave me feeling a little blank since I couldn’t picture the aliens well beyond their noted sizes.

I know it's tempting to write off comments like this when you know something was in text, but sometimes it's good to question why the information was missed. Sometimes it's WRS (weekly reader syndrome) but sometimes it might be that important information wasn't hit in a way that really got it across to the reader. However, it could be that the reader just flat-out missed it. Do what you want, but I'd ask the critique giver for further information to make sure there isn't a narrative issue to investigate. IMHO.

I was scanning the thread talking about the update, and there were several people there who also agree with the white. I feel the same, too. I'm hoping they tone it down a little. I already keep my screen at the lowest brightness possible, and it still causes strain as is. Everything else looks sleek and great, though! I was scanning the thread talking about the update, and there were several people there who also agree with the white. I feel the same, too. I'm hoping they tone it down a little. I already keep my screen at the lowest brightness possible, and it still causes strain as is. Everything else looks sleek and great, though!

Whoa. ANybody else notice the new website layout? It's blinding white now, but the graphics look good!

City-boy strikes again--add that to your signature, <R>, just noticed your 'John Cleese look-alike' added in. Also, when you wield the trombone, I picture Sans from Undertale...

I'd never heard of the snowflake technique. Have you used it before to complete a novel? Maybe you could chronicle some of your experiences with it in the lounge? It sounds like an interesting topic.

Cool beans.

So do you just cast a vote somewhere or do you provide some kind of specific feedback? These are all finished products, right?

The '5 novels' alone would have been a lot of work... Are you going to try to read everything??? Even as excerpts...

Let me modify that with: #trollingRobinski #betterthanSaturdaycartoons

Dang. That's legit! I knew you had a reading-critiquing addiction...but this takes it to a new level, <R>!

Well, it's Saturday and nobody has emerged yet to claim the last slot. I'd like to sub the revised chapter 18, if there's room, but I'd be more than happy to bow out first since I've been lucky enough to sub the last two weeks in a row.

Please take your time and don't pressure yourself. Sounds like you need to recover before making any big decisions. I don't know that I'd agree you need to just 'scrap' this. How far ahead of this part have you written? If you're not far along into a first draft, I'd say (imho) just keep plodding along with the story. Get the whole thing on paper first and then you can go back and re-invent each chapter into a stronger version of itself once you've finished telling the whole story. I don't know your method or anything about your writing style (as far as completion, timing, cycles, routines, etc) go, but I'd hate to see you go back to the beginning because of beta level critiques when you were really writing an alpha level draft... However, if you do have a completed manuscript, then I'd say dive in and start heavily revising this to a form that makes you happier. Just some thoughts. I want to read what comes next and see where you take us!

Can you explain? I've heard them talk about Hugos on WE, but I'm not sure how it works, especially now that you're referencing some sort of voting pack.

@Robinski & Mandamon-- yes, that's exactly what I was saying. I look forward to next sub and hopefully a polished full version some point in the future!

Hey Eagle, I was pretty tired when I decided not to be do LBL’s last night, but I’m refreshed now, and on top of that, the keyboard key has returned to normal function, making it much easier to do side-by-side critiques. Yay! I agree that the opening line is still too long and doesn’t do anything to hook me in, not even visually. However, I do like the last line of the paragraph a lot, especially if it’s really going to be a defining characteristic for Lasila. Maybe you could consider reworking it slightly so that’s the first sentence… “warren of bureaucracy” – This is a fabulous phrase. It says so much with so little. “Probitus Senector was going to teach her everything” – Hm, again, I feel like the most important bit of information was given at the last sentence of the paragraph when it might have lead the paragraph and given it more direction sooner, perhaps. Shell towns…like Hoovervilles. I like it. Adds some real depth to the world without going on and on and on. “The first sight Laurea had of…” – I don’t like this line. It took me backwards when I really want to go forwards and it doesn’t seem to be adding anything to the narrative since you started the whole thing with a description. You could keep the content, perhaps, but maybe draw it in in some other more novel way. “bouncing down the gangplank” – Is she an upbeat, perky person> That’s what this suggests. Also my question mark key isn’t work now…so I’ll > in place of it. (sigh) Unique language is unique language. There’s not enough context to really help me as a reader to do anything other than think, “Oh, look. Fantasy language.” “just so radiant” – This makes me cringe inside. This kind of language is one reason I don’t read romance, but even for romance context, it’s probably over-used. I’d like to see you be a little more creative in painting attractiveness. Lictor, lictor, lictor – Considering the conversation is hinging a lot on this, I’m really feeling the deficit of specific explanation of what a lictor is more and more as it goes on. “beautiful young woman” – Gosh this is forward for strangers. I hope he’s trying to pick her up or it’s just weird or he’s a little chauvinistic… “scared off any number of unwanted suitors” – This feels contrived to me. I hope there’s a twist of some sort involving Janus because I really need some right now to keep this from feeling cliché. Symbols,etc. This still feels maid & butler to me. “a woman as skillfull and intelligent” – Yikes. “mute gesture” – gesture is enough “pause as Remissus” – Wasn’t this third limited in Laurea’s head> Same complaint when the Praefact “noted her haste” Dandy – this word felt really out of place amongst all the latin derivatives… AFAIK, dandies are a very 17th century thing… (etymology dictionary agrees). Granted your fantasy world can have whatever stylings you want, but having recognized the cultural background behind the word, it shoved me out of the narration and drew attention to the fourth wall for me. “first in her class” – I’m getting an unfortunate Zootopia vibe here. “fibula” – Again, I wish the narrator had clued me in to what a thing was before it was important. “you’re a prideful one” – Gosh, that’s called displacing, Probitus. If you want me to see the arrogance of this character quickly, it’s working. I’m rather he turns into a Rex Harrison sort—proud and abrupt at first, but likeable afterwards, rather than being flat. I guess we’ll see! “Fury Priest” – You already gave us this info in the prologue. Why repeat it here Isn’t that what you were setting it up for> “She didn’t see his concern” – 3rd person limited slip

I agree. Those are totally two different skill sets, and it makes perfect sense to be good at one but not at the other. But that's not what felt off when I was reading Amra's stuff. What seemed off, if I muse on it further, is that she's so smart that she handles the bookkeeping but then suddenly is so daft that she doesn't see/accept that she wastes everyone's time when attempts trade. I would think if she were smart enough to do the bookkeeping efficiently that she would be smart enough to see the debits she creates as a pattern, not just this one isolated incident. When the MC points all the logistics out to her after the fact and she's accepts the corrections so passively that I thought it made her seem less intelligent than before. It's not that people don't forget or overlook things--that happens all the time, but the advancing plot/dialogue made me pause and question what kind of person she is. I'm getting mixed messages from the text. So like I said before, I'm still not really clear what kind of person I think she is yet from a reader's perspective. It's still early enough in the game (chapter 1) that I'm perfectly fine as a reader not having decided. Mandamon has done a good job at introducing the other characters in a way where everyone is distinct and adds something to the plot rather than being the same trope over and over again, so for the moment, I'm trusting the author to take Amra's character somewhere with this as a starting point. Therefore, I keep with the same opinion as I put yesterday in fewer words that I'm not sure that she's been painted 100% clearly yet (some of the logic stuff earlier in the story made it hard to follow some of what happened) and that I'm going to keep reading and see where she's going.

I'd really like to see this pared down to meat and potatoes, then the world-building sprinkled in as you go. Reading it backwards is actually working better for me--hunting out where the story was going and skipping the background stuff that fill the first 2500 words or so... **Changed my mind and did a line by line after all...