krystalynn03

I'm as surprised as you are. I attempted to read it--got fed up with swearing and coupled with being boring, I abandoned the book and got my money back. Tried to watch the movie, thinking that a film adaptation would be better, got just as bored and abandoned the movie--on an airplane. That's saying something.

I imagine the Ministry of Silly Walks can support more than one member when need arises!

Just to give a broader perspective, I'm struggling with the same things others are in regards to Sira many pages (a little over halfway) later in the book. She needs to be unlikeable in her immaturity because of plot and conflict and growth and so on, but I wish there were something about her to balance that out. Some way you can keep the immature elements of her personality, but add in something else to give me something to like about her and make her a little more multidimensional.

Overall Impressions Firstly, this is 100x better than having the council of old stuffy adults arguing over what Oz should do and more or less deciding for him. The trials going on in the background add some action imagery to what’s really a dialogue section to establish enough exposition to get Oz moving out of the city and set up the next arc of the book. I still like that Pascal and Oz feel like real friends. I didn’t care much for Channing. I mean, I liked his character and thought he made an interesting addition to the cast, but why was he dating Hayden? That seems forced, like you were using him just to ramp up tension for Oz and company rather than feeling like a natural outgrowth of the plot. Maybe the way Pascal looked at him to start was a false lead and set up my expectations wrong. Also, I’m not understanding Dion at all. Yesterday, he’s breaking Hayden out—or attempting to—and today he’s hitting on Pascal? From the last version of the hospital sequence I thought that Dion and Hayden were a thing. Are they or aren’t they? Adults: All the adults with their last names still blend together for me. I don’t think that’s an edit to fix here—just a jumble of different versions in my head from rewrites and not having a clear picture of who they were when you initially introduced them. Smiles: You refer to smiles too often for me in a short swath of text. “Toothy smile” “Hammy smile” “I know my smile is ridiculous” “His smile softened…” You’re using it as shorthand for emotions. Spice it up and use something else—twirling hair or something. There’s lots of body language for displaying romantic interest or flirting. I especially didn’t like the toothy smile. It made Pascale seem like she needed braces when I was trying to imagine her getting ready to go knock the teeth out of some Rex! Sorry this is so late. I read it on a cell phone while travelling and finally got to reread it thoughtfully yesterday and then today revise my thoughts. Hope it’s useful!

And I just posted my critique on the wrong thread like a dorkfish. I don't know how to delete...

I know what you mean, <R>, and I did think of that, but don't disvalue time, either. Can't ever get that stuff back! On a side note, this is why I agree that the "Old Bloom's Taxonomy" was obviously wrong (I thought so in fifth grade long before they revised it!) Synthesis is obviously harder than evaluation, and anyone who writes or makes art could have told Bloom that the same day he invented the thing. On another side note, what are you submitting this week? Curious Krystals want to know.

Okay, so something's changed in your chapter breaks in the version you sent me and the version you sent to the group. I'm not going to renumber my notes; I'll trust you to match old chapter numbers to your new ones. Also, to anyone looking at my critique other than Coop, these notes are 'alpha style', so no line by lines or anything specific. I only looked at content, not minutiae. Chapter Five Overall, this chapter did pretty well. It has conflict—Sira’s dislike for her living arrangements and attempt to get Mom to change her mind and then her very believable paranoia that someone or something would come after her to get the gold suit back. That flowed well, I thought. Things that didn’t work well for me in a broad sense (not going to nitpick sentences and phrases in such an early draft) were that I felt dislike for Sira with her poor responses to her environment. I understand she doesn’t want to be there, but the colorful language describing how rundown the joint is pushed me away from her. I didn’t feel sorry for her. However, remember that I work in an all poverty city neighborhood, so teenagers not liking stuff hits a button for me since I see so many kids do with far less, suffer more, and complain less than Sira does here. Also, why didn’t Grandpa call her to dinner? That seemed odd. Also felt odd that we never got a visual on him. Chapter Six Oh my goodness! That description of Grandpa’s face made me squeamish! Now I understand why the reader didn't 'see' him sooner! Wow. Where do I start on this chapter? The reveal of the grandfather’s deformity sent my imagination spinning. You made my toes curl. I pity him and want to get away from him at the same time. You know, thought here—this is 100x more interesting than the details of getting through the woods. Why didn’t you open here? Sira’s internal conflict of missing her mother and dealing with her presumably amicable but horrifyingly ugly grandfather is fascinating. Just a thought. It’s not wholly defining Sira as a person as some of the people on the thread were asking, but at the same time, it’s creating tons of suspense. Just thoughts to chew on. Even if you didn’t restructure a scene before the woods-wandering, maybe you could ‘tease’ this through her internal dialogue or something. (I have another idea after chapter 8 about another possible way to strengthen your opening. The way you write the ninja scene like magic realism is far stronger than the format you use in chapter 1. I go into detail on that idea in later comments) Chapter 7 This chapter falls flat compared to the one before. I was listening as far as her first experiments with the triangulator but everything after that was a bunch of detail that I could tell wasn’t really going anywhere and I didn’t retain any of what I read. Her reactions to the door closing felt unreal. She cried too fast and solved the problem too fast. Also, I wondered why she felt so comfortable in her Bungalow when she was still in possession of stolen goods.

Hey @Robinski, Don't apologize for doing less when you've always done so much! Ever since joining this board, I've been amazed how you, @Mandamon, and @rdpulfer make time to critique everyone thoughtfully and fairly, even on weeks when you're not submitting yourselves. The fact that you critique before you write your own stuff is also pretty amazing--putting others first before tending to yourself. You've set a high standard for everyone! We're all here to grow as writers, so don't be disappointed in yourself for wanting just that: write first, critique later. Also, I think it's a good sign that there's so much submitting going on that it's hard to keep up. A growing group producing a lot of text is a good problem to have!

I agree with @Robinski we don't need more rules. It's more about mindset than procedure.

Welcome, @Hobbit!

If you're interested in an alpha reader, I'm willing to look at the whole thing in a go rather than piece by piece.

Hey Coop, as noted a little in my critique, the chapter breaks are probably shorter than a 10 to 12 year old needs. I'd say those breaks would be good for 8 to 10. More importantly, the content needs to be stronger. Your submission is 3200 words, and regardless of how many breaks there, that's how many words it takes you to get from first real point of tension (the strange cloud) to second real point of tension (the inside if the strange room). I suggest tightening the whole thing. Important question: how much of the story have you already written?

Hey AH, This is my first time reading any of your stuff, so my commentary won't be so finely tuned as those familiar with where you're going, but maybe I can confirm some things that did or didn't work. Firstly, changing the names and setting, for me, was a good thing and has had the effect you were looking for. I opened the first prologue and started reading something about Lucifer as the protag and that's where I stopped. Mixing religion with fiction is a questionable imho, so that put on my 'not going to read this radar'. Making them your own fantasy world--that's different. I think you've broadened your audience. Atena does read as a really strong character. When she smiles after 'overestimating' the enemy and then lands in a totally wicked, felt like a movie SFX sequence kind of way, I understood her perfectly. The beginning and the fighting section were weak components for me. The writing itself was often vivid (not always clear as mentioned by @kaisa) but there were seeral places where you did evoke things in my imagination that I enjoyed. On the other hand, 'the city's on fire and it's our home' is a really overused trope in high fantasy, and it left me feeling squeamish about whether I was getting into a good story or a predictable one. The battle scenes are just too long. The individual passes of what's happening aren't complicating the plot, just lengthening it. I'd like to see some of it cut and you get to the characters faster. I'd buy the town burying down bit better if I already knew/liked the characters. I'm going to disagree with @Alfa a little bit. I see what he means, but his knowledge of what it used to be is clearly influencing his read of the work. As someone with no previous bias because I didn't read the last version, I have to say that I think you got Marcus' character across in very few lines of dialogue. The comment about him having too much fun in the middle of a battle and his general entrance made it pretty obvious to me that he was the army's MVP, even without connecting him to the Bible. I also felt intrigued by Cronus and Octavian. I don't know that I would 'get' that Octavian is a god-like figure from what's here, but the fact that he's running the place and Cronus is jealous was enough for me. His soft voice and the weak leaning made for a curious introduction that set him off as different from everyone else there and I was immediately curious to know more about this trio's history. If the prologue is meant to incite curiosity rather than feel like a culmination of something, this works as it is. I think if you shake up the start and give us more character there and get us to the ending faster, it'll make a stronger prologue. Please keep going. Thanks for submitting!

My school teaches students the Seven Habits of Effective Leaders. Practicing Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood could be useful for giving and taking critiques. The habit itself is not wholly geared to writing, but to interpersonal communication. How we talk to others about their experiences and learn to hear what others are saying without using our own experiences and biases to immediately color or drown out what the other person wants to communicate. And no, what we say is not always what we're trying to communicate. Writing is a very personal craft, and when we share out for critique, we're inviting others to join us in something very sensitive. There's an immediate amount of trust being given the moment that send to all button is pressed. Nobody submits to the group thinking they're sharing crap or wanting to offend someone else's sensibilities. We're all here to learn and to get better, and we all hope what we've written gives some measure of pleasure to those we've shared it with and that we're learn something from them in return to improve what we've already done.Remembering that will go a long way toward "Seeking First to Understand" when composing critiques. Here's a link to a longer description of Habit 5: https://www.stephencovey.com/7habits/7habits-habit5.php

I would like to submit next week.

Hey there, Coop! Welcome to the group. Glad you’re submitting this week. Fresh voices are fun to read. Your comments accompanying the submission aren’t very particular, so I’m going to give you some broad feedback and some line by lines. Temper all suggestions/criticism with the knowledge that I don’t know where you’re taking the manuscript, the level of experience, or what draft/version this is. Big Initial Thoughts on First Read Through · I liked the title of the file better than the given title. “Clouds” had me curious on how that was going to play into an either scifi/fantasy MG story, but then “The Sky is Always Blue Above the Clouds” felt long and more like a theme than a title. It gives me too much to feel like a tease and not enough to probe me to ask interesting questions. · My second big thought was why so many chapter breaks for what are scene breaks more than chapter breaks? · My third big thought was that you lost me around page five of description because there was no rising conflict. As Mary put it on the podcast (and I liked) there were a lot of obstacles happening but not a lot of complications. · Last big thought: I really liked the opening. Read Through Number Two & LBL’ using Mary’s ABCD format: · Awesome (A): The introduction of the strangely specific cloud formation was fabulous. In the first page of content, I could tell I was in the hands of a good writer. I liked the odd image; it gave a sense of whimsy and foreboding at the same time. · Confusion (C): Sira? I can’t place the setting yet. She’s got a cell phone, but then a mock fantasy spelling name. Odd juxtaposition. I was expecting magic-realism with the opening, but the name is throwing me. I’d like to know why you chose that one. · “wonderfully-cursed” (C): I thought maybe she really was cursed—this is a fantasy forum after all. This threw me. · Disbelief (D): Sira’s age. Now hold on, before you shut me out: I accept that she’s skipping. You hang a lampshade on that. What I don’t accept is her imagination paly after that. I know you’re a school counselor, but I’m a teacher, and I’ve been working with 11 year olds for six years now, and this is abnormal for a 12 year old. I know kids comes in all different varieties. I’ve seen very sensible children with no care for imagination and I’ve seen ones who organized an entire pretend hospital at recess utilizing half the fifth grade and all of first grade, but I’m just not buying Sira at all. Maybe I don’t struggle with believing that 12 year olds indulge their imagination, but rather, that her chosen fantasies are so simple. If her play were interspersed with memories or thoughts that explained her words then I’d believe it more—like it some kind of strange self-talk to self-soothe some home life realities she can’t change (or practicing for a play she wants to try out for—or something). As it stands, it breaks the fourth wall for me. I’m not hammering on it because it’s bad; I’m hammering because I think there’s more to this sequence and I want you to clear away the debris so that the clearer picture of what you’re trying to evoke comes through. · D: The fear over the squirrel—it’s broad daylight and she seems familiar with this area. She’s been making a lot of noise herself, so I’m surprised she notices it. If it’s not some kind of seed or foreshadowing for later, what’s it doing for the plot? If it’s not doing anything, it’s an obstacle (contrast complication) that you could cut. · A: ‘emerald mat’ Another spot where I enjoyed your imagery · Boring (B): From “Sira placed one foot…through the forest and out of sight” This is the first place where I really felt the narrative to veer into the problem I cited above in overall thoughts. See what other people say, but the tension drops too much in these four or five paragraphs. Why not have her notice faster that something’s off and then not break the chapter? She hasn’t resolved any conflicts. This is four pages in and there’s no obvious conflict, just that the road looks weird, and my patience as a reader (not as writing peer) is waning. · Disbelief (D): I believe she would conclude that something made the path, but again, being led seems to lead to her seeming strangely paranoid. One moment she’s humming and dipping her feet in the pool and playing make believe, and the next, she jumps to a very dark conclusion. I don’t have a problem with this content, only that I don’t feel like it’s grounded in enough context yet. · Awesome: ‘soft blinking of her eyes’ Great phrase. · Confusion: Black-winged demons—like Oz? Again, I want more knowledge of why she jumps to these conclusions—unless her self assessment of cursed brain was more serious than I ended up concluding it meant. · B: I don’t care for “muscles began to relax…fruit snacks’. I don’t dislike the context; I just think it took too many words. I’m sure it’s important she’s from a single parent home, but I want it more concise. It’s slowing the narrative to a halt. · A: “Now you have to go” She’s playing really weird games with herself. I’m starting doubt her mental stability. If this story is using that as a central theme, this is going to be a very interesting adventure into an unexpected venue. · D: On the other hand, if this is meant to be normal behavior…then I don’t believe it. · D: “three of her” Hm. Not really believing that picture. I get what you mean, but it distracted me. · D: Why all the fuss over crossing that log? This is another example of obstacle vs. complication. I’m struggling with it. If it makes you feel better, I call out famous authors for the same thing: CS Lewis and the description of the journeying from the Beavers’ to Aslan’s camp puts me and my students to sleep. Their eyes glaze. I use it to teach them the word suspense. Where is the suspense right now, up or down? Lois Lowry does it, too, when they’re traveling from Copenhagen past the Deer Park and even worse when they’re walking the country path to the uncle’s house and the mom gives her childhood memories. Both of the authors are geniuses, but they both needed someone to say: “Cut the walk-time and get to the plot.” · A: “several puddles of water embedded in the moss” – I can feel the place with my hands. Overall, you’re doing a fabulous job of inciting the sense of touch through your writing, one of the least invoked imaginative senses. Nice. · D: “bobbed and cocked like a chicken” – forgiving the cock pun that goes with the chicken, this is distracting imagery rather than good imagery since it doesn’t feel as close-third-person-ish (imho) · A: There was a room below her. There’s a room under the water—this is good. I like this. Get here faster. I can’t do a word count in .pdf form, but there was probably a 1000 words to get here. Hack them. Slash them. Especially if you want to hold ten year attention spans. Also, I’m not against long sentences. I like them, but if I were to run a Lexile on your writing, it’d probably skew high right now. Probably sixth to seventh grade appropriate. If you want to reach down to average 4th graders, you’ll want to do some consideration of clarity and brevity. · Confusion: Bounced from puddle to puddle—fishbowls. I didn’t get that she was looking at something circular when you called it a room at the end of chapter 2. · Confusion: Most of the description of the room and how Sira’s looking at it. :S · Awesome: I like the idea of what she’s doing a lot. · Bored: The door won’t budge. Another obstacle that I wish were a complication. · Awesome: Discovering the insides of the strange room is fun. Okay, well I’ve skimmed it and read it now. Overall, I like where you’re going. I like the tone. I can feel a kind of Ronia the Robber’s Daughter in the attention to nature detail and love of freedom in the woods. I’m going to hold with my initial impressions above. Hope I didn’t scare you off with too much feedback, but I like to leave a thought and explain my thoughts to make sure you see what I’m getting at and see that I only pause to pick at things I see potential in to grow. Thanks again for submitting, and I hope you sub again soon! Enjoy your hiking trip!

No one deserves to be flamed on this forum for any reason. I'm sorry, Ghando.

Hey there, <R>, You know I've read a 'few' pages of your writing...and I have to say--this submission felt like a different person's writing. I paused and wondered if you'd sent it through an alpha read with someone first, but I don't think you did. The two characters showed a level of complexity that drew me into the story and made me want more. There were a couple of moments of transitory confusion in narration with some unclear imagery or blocking, but overall, it flowed really well. The tension never went high, but I didn't mind it. The characters, Grimes with his stinging memories and unfolding self and Moth with her interesting setup as a convent girl and her moods suggesting a real person struggling behind the garb of religious dedication. They were both interesting. Whatever you're doing, keep doing it. This was great. /k

Hey Spieles, This chapter reads great. I've got nothing to fuss over! I loved the "MY BOT DID NOTHING TO YOU" line. That's great characterization and comic relief. So much of this story is Oz taking himself seriously and those around him too because their world is so serious; moments of comic relief like this come off really well. I agree with Robinski: Dion is way better, too. Instead of feeling like a distraction from the plot, he's adding to it. Nicely done! Hope the next submission carries the story forward. These have been some really strong content improvements and I'm excited to see where it's leading next!

Hey Spieles! I reread the prologue and chapter one as a refresher. I don't know if you changed anything since last time, but whereas the first time I read it, I felt really lost, this time, it made a lot more sense, which tells me that the background knowledge we get as the book gets on in chapters is lacking some here. I know you want to ramp the action and hook the reader in the prologue and chapter 1 (no complaints on prologue as far as confusion goes at all) but there are some moments in chapter one where I still felt confused. I still wanted to know where Oz learned to make the bombs (like is it part of training in an aggressive future society or did he teach himself or...?) I think a phrase would have fixed this for me--no info bomb or intense worldbuilding needed. It could come through as internal dialogue--like this is his first time trying it out and he's worried about it. Another place I felt confused was the blocking as we leave the diner. It reads like he magically aparates out into the street--or maybe the description of the diner already had him in the street and that knowledge was just in his head. Either way, it feels weird. The running-away sequence of blocking still feels weird. It's the only place where I felt bored. I couldn't tell what his intent was--running away, yes, but does he have a specific path in mind he's trying to execute? An entire paragraph of stream of conscience running and description didn't work for me well either time I read it. Now on to the stuff you asked about: Firstly, I don't even miss what's gone. I don't even know what's gone. I didn't understand that part of chapter 2 in the same way I don't quite 'get' the escape sequence in chapter 1. I think this reads fast and good and clear. The whale rat was a great addition; it's one of those minor things that doesn't take up a lot of room and doesn't seem important but it serves a lot of purposes. It slowed down the plot and gave Oz a moment to 'breathe' and so did the reader, which we needed, and it gave me a moment as a reader to see my inferences about the world confirmed through a moment of reflection on a strange animal. I like it. I got that 'in the know' reader feeling that's so satisfying while I read Eleanore's bits--I thought the 'I'm sorry' felt a little clunky, though. I think you make that a little stronger somehow, even if it's just to give Oz a sarcastic response in his head or something to the comment or just change it to something a little less obvious. It just felt like stretching--to me. Whether Oz's level of skill is higher or lower, I'm not sure because of confusion issues with the previous version. This version reads clearer so I like it better. Also, he came off as a little cocky to me before but I can't really file this down to a very specific opinion because it's a memory of a vague impression. All in all, I thought this was very good. It reads like a movie and feels like something that could already be on the shelves. Always a pleasure to read. /k

LOL--I kinda' saw this going here when the first paragraph sounds like: "Read this--and read this--oh, and this is good to read, too!"

Yay! MG/YA fantasy writers FTW! Welcome to the group, Coop! (couldn't resist urge to rhyme) @Robinski I didn't know this guy was passed on, but I do remember reading one book by him back in high school--"Echoes of the Great Song" and thinking it was fabulous. More than that, more than a decade later, I still remember the book and its plot, and I've read a lot of fantasy books in between. Made an impression on me. What other books of his would you suggest I hunt down?

I'd like to submit on the first, please.

Yeah, routine is what makes me most productive when I'm writing. I'm an early morning writer--like to do it while my mind is fresh and undistracted. Traveling and vacation are not conducive to that! Not only are the Pokestops cool--calling your attention to landmarks you might have missed with just your eyes--but I'm enjoying the social phenomenon aspect. I don't know how things are by other cities, but in the region I'm in, people of my generation seemed to just 'disappear' after college. Pokemon Go attracts a certain age demographic in general and has brought those people out to public places to hang out. I've had more social interactions with friendly strangers in the last two weeks than I have in the last year. I have already have plenty of close friends and social circle friends, but adding a third tier--the friendly stranger with obvious common interest--is rounding the social strata of local city life!

Sadly so. Humans acting like lemmings.