krystalynn03

I was scanning the thread talking about the update, and there were several people there who also agree with the white. I feel the same, too. I'm hoping they tone it down a little. I already keep my screen at the lowest brightness possible, and it still causes strain as is. Everything else looks sleek and great, though! I was scanning the thread talking about the update, and there were several people there who also agree with the white. I feel the same, too. I'm hoping they tone it down a little. I already keep my screen at the lowest brightness possible, and it still causes strain as is. Everything else looks sleek and great, though!

Whoa. ANybody else notice the new website layout? It's blinding white now, but the graphics look good!

Notes I know some people will be happy with the POV and some will wish I'd chosen the other. I did try to work in some of the things preferred in each, but if something's really not working, please let me know. Rdpulfer, I read your comments last night and toned Nate down in a couple spots. I'd like to know if that helped for you. Mandamon, your point about giving the character stronger visuals back in the forge scene was brilliant, but it's not soemthing I'm going to fix till 3rd pass, so I hope you'll bear with me for the naming conventions still being weak for now. Overall, I've always struggled really bad with this sequence because it's where the narrative shifts away from Jennie, but I still think having Roamwald POV is more exciting than having an omniscient narrator for a couple chapters. Please let me know how everything feels in general. I think ti's getting closer to what I wish this section would feel like, but I know it's not there yet and it may still be clunky in some of the content/logic since I've changed some things. For This Update: Do the character interactions make sense? Is there anything illogical or overlooked while I'm shifting focuses around? Does the POV slip anywhere? How does Nate read to you? Am I over/underdoing his character? Can you visualize well what the men are doing at the end of 19? Does it make sense? How's the pacing? What worked for you? What didn't work for you? Thanks!

City-boy strikes again--add that to your signature, <R>, just noticed your 'John Cleese look-alike' added in. Also, when you wield the trombone, I picture Sans from Undertale...

Hey rdpulfer, Forgive me--responding on cell so my formatting might be odd. Those are some really interesting responses, so I'd like to poke you a little for more specifics. You're right about the first chapter being the only other place where we see Roamwald POV so far. Ive since considered everyone's input and made some revisions with plans to submit tomorrow so I definitely want to know if you still see those same problems of Jennie present. Thank you for commenting on Nate. I've been waiting for someone to hit on that because I've always felt a little odd about whether I was overdoing him. I know the tricktalk phrase is odd, but do you remember he had a scene explaining that a couple months ago when we were at the beginning of book. I don't know if weekly reader syndrome is bothering your interpration, or not. It means I need to examine different things...depending on what the source issue is. Thanks as always! You've got me thinking in new ways!

I'd never heard of the snowflake technique. Have you used it before to complete a novel? Maybe you could chronicle some of your experiences with it in the lounge? It sounds like an interesting topic.

Cool beans.

So do you just cast a vote somewhere or do you provide some kind of specific feedback? These are all finished products, right?

The '5 novels' alone would have been a lot of work... Are you going to try to read everything??? Even as excerpts...

Let me modify that with: #trollingRobinski #betterthanSaturdaycartoons

Dang. That's legit! I knew you had a reading-critiquing addiction...but this takes it to a new level, <R>!

Well, it's Saturday and nobody has emerged yet to claim the last slot. I'd like to sub the revised chapter 18, if there's room, but I'd be more than happy to bow out first since I've been lucky enough to sub the last two weeks in a row.

Please take your time and don't pressure yourself. Sounds like you need to recover before making any big decisions. I don't know that I'd agree you need to just 'scrap' this. How far ahead of this part have you written? If you're not far along into a first draft, I'd say (imho) just keep plodding along with the story. Get the whole thing on paper first and then you can go back and re-invent each chapter into a stronger version of itself once you've finished telling the whole story. I don't know your method or anything about your writing style (as far as completion, timing, cycles, routines, etc) go, but I'd hate to see you go back to the beginning because of beta level critiques when you were really writing an alpha level draft... However, if you do have a completed manuscript, then I'd say dive in and start heavily revising this to a form that makes you happier. Just some thoughts. I want to read what comes next and see where you take us!

Can you explain? I've heard them talk about Hugos on WE, but I'm not sure how it works, especially now that you're referencing some sort of voting pack.

Say what, <R>? I know the cookies are bad luck on this forum, but I forgot about that when I used that old idiom...

Hey Kammererite, Good to hear your opinion, too, even though you could see both ways. Do you remember my very first submission? The one I wasn't sure whether it helped or hurt the narrative more? That was from Roamwald (although unnamed) POV, and one of my rationales for wanting to have it was that it set up a precedent for this very moment 2/3 through the book later, so I do have that difficulty still burdening my shoulders. Not to blow spoilers around, but some of the stuff coming up (a couple sequences) takes Jennie out of the plot since I've exhausted her literally and figuratively. There's some stuff that I ant to happen between Roamwald and other characters that Jennie doesn't need to be there for, and any child that has been up this long through the night has to pass out sooner or later. In other drafts of this book, I've had the narrator shift to a kind of omniscient thing, but I've always hated it, which is why on this version I wanted to get Roamwald's POV for 3 or 4 chapters after he becomes a character. One benefit to going the Jennie POV route means that I play by a sort of internal rule I've set more myself for all the books in this series as far as POV is concerned--the most dominant character to the plot takes the POV unless they're absent and I still need to show the reader something in live time. This hasn't been an issue in Roamawld because the title character has been on screen too much until this arc of the book. In later books where Jennie and Roamwald are doing things and I've introduced other characters Jennie or Roamwald always takes the POV unless they're absent and I'm forced to (2nd/4th book) Chadwick or by the six book Felix. I'm blathering. Long story short: you're right and I'm not sure what to do. When I wrote this I thought Jennie's was better, so I was surprised when my alpha (not Robinski) thought the Roamwald bit was better. Seeing how the cookie crumbles has been a really fun exercise here! Thanks so much for weighing in!

@Robinski & Mandamon-- yes, that's exactly what I was saying. I look forward to next sub and hopefully a polished full version some point in the future!

Hey Eagle, I was pretty tired when I decided not to be do LBL’s last night, but I’m refreshed now, and on top of that, the keyboard key has returned to normal function, making it much easier to do side-by-side critiques. Yay! I agree that the opening line is still too long and doesn’t do anything to hook me in, not even visually. However, I do like the last line of the paragraph a lot, especially if it’s really going to be a defining characteristic for Lasila. Maybe you could consider reworking it slightly so that’s the first sentence… “warren of bureaucracy” – This is a fabulous phrase. It says so much with so little. “Probitus Senector was going to teach her everything” – Hm, again, I feel like the most important bit of information was given at the last sentence of the paragraph when it might have lead the paragraph and given it more direction sooner, perhaps. Shell towns…like Hoovervilles. I like it. Adds some real depth to the world without going on and on and on. “The first sight Laurea had of…” – I don’t like this line. It took me backwards when I really want to go forwards and it doesn’t seem to be adding anything to the narrative since you started the whole thing with a description. You could keep the content, perhaps, but maybe draw it in in some other more novel way. “bouncing down the gangplank” – Is she an upbeat, perky person> That’s what this suggests. Also my question mark key isn’t work now…so I’ll > in place of it. (sigh) Unique language is unique language. There’s not enough context to really help me as a reader to do anything other than think, “Oh, look. Fantasy language.” “just so radiant” – This makes me cringe inside. This kind of language is one reason I don’t read romance, but even for romance context, it’s probably over-used. I’d like to see you be a little more creative in painting attractiveness. Lictor, lictor, lictor – Considering the conversation is hinging a lot on this, I’m really feeling the deficit of specific explanation of what a lictor is more and more as it goes on. “beautiful young woman” – Gosh this is forward for strangers. I hope he’s trying to pick her up or it’s just weird or he’s a little chauvinistic… “scared off any number of unwanted suitors” – This feels contrived to me. I hope there’s a twist of some sort involving Janus because I really need some right now to keep this from feeling cliché. Symbols,etc. This still feels maid & butler to me. “a woman as skillfull and intelligent” – Yikes. “mute gesture” – gesture is enough “pause as Remissus” – Wasn’t this third limited in Laurea’s head> Same complaint when the Praefact “noted her haste” Dandy – this word felt really out of place amongst all the latin derivatives… AFAIK, dandies are a very 17th century thing… (etymology dictionary agrees). Granted your fantasy world can have whatever stylings you want, but having recognized the cultural background behind the word, it shoved me out of the narration and drew attention to the fourth wall for me. “first in her class” – I’m getting an unfortunate Zootopia vibe here. “fibula” – Again, I wish the narrator had clued me in to what a thing was before it was important. “you’re a prideful one” – Gosh, that’s called displacing, Probitus. If you want me to see the arrogance of this character quickly, it’s working. I’m rather he turns into a Rex Harrison sort—proud and abrupt at first, but likeable afterwards, rather than being flat. I guess we’ll see! “Fury Priest” – You already gave us this info in the prologue. Why repeat it here Isn’t that what you were setting it up for> “She didn’t see his concern” – 3rd person limited slip

Thanks for another viewpoint!

I agree. Those are totally two different skill sets, and it makes perfect sense to be good at one but not at the other. But that's not what felt off when I was reading Amra's stuff. What seemed off, if I muse on it further, is that she's so smart that she handles the bookkeeping but then suddenly is so daft that she doesn't see/accept that she wastes everyone's time when attempts trade. I would think if she were smart enough to do the bookkeeping efficiently that she would be smart enough to see the debits she creates as a pattern, not just this one isolated incident. When the MC points all the logistics out to her after the fact and she's accepts the corrections so passively that I thought it made her seem less intelligent than before. It's not that people don't forget or overlook things--that happens all the time, but the advancing plot/dialogue made me pause and question what kind of person she is. I'm getting mixed messages from the text. So like I said before, I'm still not really clear what kind of person I think she is yet from a reader's perspective. It's still early enough in the game (chapter 1) that I'm perfectly fine as a reader not having decided. Mandamon has done a good job at introducing the other characters in a way where everyone is distinct and adds something to the plot rather than being the same trope over and over again, so for the moment, I'm trusting the author to take Amra's character somewhere with this as a starting point. Therefore, I keep with the same opinion as I put yesterday in fewer words that I'm not sure that she's been painted 100% clearly yet (some of the logic stuff earlier in the story made it hard to follow some of what happened) and that I'm going to keep reading and see where she's going.

I'd really like to see this pared down to meat and potatoes, then the world-building sprinkled in as you go. Reading it backwards is actually working better for me--hunting out where the story was going and skipping the background stuff that fill the first 2500 words or so... **Changed my mind and did a line by line after all...

Please keep us updated!

I agree with...well, everyone so far. That's why I thought it made for an interesting exercise, because there's really some pros and cons to either version. I wrote Roamwald first and recycle its content to write Jennie, plus content of her own that I revised into the text after changing it to fit her, so I think her version actually has more unique content than his version does. I agree that Roamwald has a lot more to lose here, but Jennie is being more active (vocal, at least) in the scene, so it's an odd situation. I originally thought Jennie was stronger, but was really surprised when my alpha reader (not <R>, another one) told me she preferred the Roamwald version because feeling what he had at stake was more meaningful to her. I'm mulling over the feedback I've gotten so far and considering how to play to the strengths presented and how to preserve some of what's lost in the other POV that I end up going with--if that makes sense at all.

Red wine, eh? Whatever gets the wordcount flowing...LOL

Hey Mandamon, I’m excited to have something of yours to read and comment on. You’re so faithful commenting on most everything submitted, and last time you were submitting, you were so deep into The First Majus in Space that I felt too intimidate and disconnected to jump in at end of novel. All that said, here goes line by lines and first impressions: (Full disclosure: I skip all poetry and chapters intros in italics) Opening paragraph: I like the first line of dialogue, but I might wish (as an outsider to your world) for the physical description of Sureriaj first and then have the narrator name them. I liked the description, just wished I had the reverse order of info presented. “Amra’s eyes…” – I read her dialogue in a different emote in my head before I got to her expression. I heard her sounding a little annoyed, too. “You know they get up my nose.” – The paragraph breaking here felt a bit off. I think this is because you went from focusing on Amra, to the foodstuffs, to the sneeze, but since the sneeze is attached to MC, I felt like it ought to go together. I might break right before “I felt my mouth screw up…” instead. The rest of this paragraph feels like I would understand it better if I had read other books. Oof. Their homeworld sounds like a terrible place to live. Fry your skin but the ground isn’t good for cultivatinganything (I presume.) I can immediately tell what kind of person(alien) Saart is. I like that. Cooking grease = machine lubricant – LOL “Why aren’t I part of it?” – I really like the way you’re introducing characters “I loved my wagon…” – This is another narrative focus shift where I’d feel more comfortable with pronouns if it were aided by a paragraph break, joining it to the MC’s dialogue in the next paragraph. “Reluctantly she nodded.” – Same thing here. I’d like this in a different paragraph because it just makes it easier to follow the narrative flow. “little dance we all adopted” – I like this. Makes me feel what life’s like. Banging the finger – Hm. This seemed an odd distraction. Like, I like how you’re giving lots of business to the characters’ blocking and what-not while they talk, but I don’t feel like this bit added anything, you know? “Who thought this would be a good deal?” – A tad maid and butlerish, but not enough for me to complain loudly “purposefully misinterpreting” – As what? I don’t get the full play out of this here? “who did you say was supplying the deal?” – After this many words of narration I’m feeling a little bothered as a reader that I haven’t really been clued in as well as I want, even if the rest of the team hasn’t been “that ain’t called for” – LOL Overall: Character introduction; each has a different personality from the others and you establish it very quickly The descriptions and stuff on end of 13/14. I couldn’t tell where the narration was going anymore or why I cared, so I checked out of the description paragraphs and skimmed fastforward to the next dialogue scene. I don’t understand what the new cargo is or why it’s getting them so much money or why we had a scene break and where they were going? I didn’t have any problems with believability. I’m not a sci-fi buff, so I won’t be the person calling you out on combobulators and stuff like that. Amra: I don’t think she was whiny, but I’m not really a fan of her either. I like that her relationship feels real enough with the MC. There’s conflict and desire in their lives together, but there’s also a kind of weird thing with her being so booksmart but crappy at selling and calling her out on it so openly. I’m not saying it’s wrong. It just made me question what kind of person she is. She isn’t clear in my mind yet. The big universe stuff seems clear enough; in fact, on the first page or so I felt a little too flooded with jargon, but I got my mind mostly around it as the text continued to flow. Looking forward to your next submission, but I do hope you get a few narrative plot points a little clearer—even if I can’t point exactly to what was a bit muddy for me.