krystalynn03

Hey Mandamon, I’m excited to have something of yours to read and comment on. You’re so faithful commenting on most everything submitted, and last time you were submitting, you were so deep into The First Majus in Space that I felt too intimidate and disconnected to jump in at end of novel. All that said, here goes line by lines and first impressions: (Full disclosure: I skip all poetry and chapters intros in italics) Opening paragraph: I like the first line of dialogue, but I might wish (as an outsider to your world) for the physical description of Sureriaj first and then have the narrator name them. I liked the description, just wished I had the reverse order of info presented. “Amra’s eyes…” – I read her dialogue in a different emote in my head before I got to her expression. I heard her sounding a little annoyed, too. “You know they get up my nose.” – The paragraph breaking here felt a bit off. I think this is because you went from focusing on Amra, to the foodstuffs, to the sneeze, but since the sneeze is attached to MC, I felt like it ought to go together. I might break right before “I felt my mouth screw up…” instead. The rest of this paragraph feels like I would understand it better if I had read other books. Oof. Their homeworld sounds like a terrible place to live. Fry your skin but the ground isn’t good for cultivatinganything (I presume.) I can immediately tell what kind of person(alien) Saart is. I like that. Cooking grease = machine lubricant – LOL “Why aren’t I part of it?” – I really like the way you’re introducing characters “I loved my wagon…” – This is another narrative focus shift where I’d feel more comfortable with pronouns if it were aided by a paragraph break, joining it to the MC’s dialogue in the next paragraph. “Reluctantly she nodded.” – Same thing here. I’d like this in a different paragraph because it just makes it easier to follow the narrative flow. “little dance we all adopted” – I like this. Makes me feel what life’s like. Banging the finger – Hm. This seemed an odd distraction. Like, I like how you’re giving lots of business to the characters’ blocking and what-not while they talk, but I don’t feel like this bit added anything, you know? “Who thought this would be a good deal?” – A tad maid and butlerish, but not enough for me to complain loudly “purposefully misinterpreting” – As what? I don’t get the full play out of this here? “who did you say was supplying the deal?” – After this many words of narration I’m feeling a little bothered as a reader that I haven’t really been clued in as well as I want, even if the rest of the team hasn’t been “that ain’t called for” – LOL Overall: Character introduction; each has a different personality from the others and you establish it very quickly The descriptions and stuff on end of 13/14. I couldn’t tell where the narration was going anymore or why I cared, so I checked out of the description paragraphs and skimmed fastforward to the next dialogue scene. I don’t understand what the new cargo is or why it’s getting them so much money or why we had a scene break and where they were going? I didn’t have any problems with believability. I’m not a sci-fi buff, so I won’t be the person calling you out on combobulators and stuff like that. Amra: I don’t think she was whiny, but I’m not really a fan of her either. I like that her relationship feels real enough with the MC. There’s conflict and desire in their lives together, but there’s also a kind of weird thing with her being so booksmart but crappy at selling and calling her out on it so openly. I’m not saying it’s wrong. It just made me question what kind of person she is. She isn’t clear in my mind yet. The big universe stuff seems clear enough; in fact, on the first page or so I felt a little too flooded with jargon, but I got my mind mostly around it as the text continued to flow. Looking forward to your next submission, but I do hope you get a few narrative plot points a little clearer—even if I can’t point exactly to what was a bit muddy for me.

So I sat down to put in revisions this morning...and spilled a nice cup of fresh espresso all over my keyboard. Now the enter key thinks it's the backslash and all other kind of mess. I may run late on submitting or have to bow out till next week.

Hey Kammererite! Line by Line First Impressions & Notes I wish this were back to back with your last submission because I can’t tell if I’m disoriented in the opening because of the narrative here or if I’m just suffering from weekly reader syndrome. “blood-memories” – I don’t know what this is, but I like the phrase. There’s just enough context in the conversation to help me infer what it means, and that’s enjoyable. Good job. “addicted” – I thought this felt a little odd in the last submission because it felt so modern, but I feel more accepting of it here. I think if I’d had more of a modern techno-fantasy feel out of the first sub (a setting problem) I would have accepted it easier then. “bark” – Why a bark? Is she an animal? Are there dogs around so that it might not be noticed by guards? Seems I’m missing something. “Thanks, Kang. I knew I could count on you.” – This whole conversation feels rushed, which is good because he should be in a rush, but it’s content and delivery feels a little cliché. Maybe rethink some of the phrases and make them a little more original. I did like the bit referencing the dad. It was so small that it felt like you’d used these characters in other stories or that you’d really put some thought into them. I really like him not realizing fully that he got shot in his fake leg. That was a nice way to end the scene on tense, but closing, note. I like hexahuts—I can picture it without explanation—but the repetition of hex in hextant stole some of the initial charm. Kang and Rakella’s following conversation runs almost too fast. While I appreciate not going to visit the redsmith if it wasn’t doing anything other than progress the plot, I do feel like the dialogue is jerking the narrative around a bit. “How did you get that wound?” – Some of the plot feels a bit contrived here. The dialogue feels a bit used. In my head, I feel like I’m watching an episode of a tv show rather than reading a fantasy short story. And now they’re arresting Kang? The guards/police in this city are starting to look like idiots. Overall Impressions I like the pacing. You have characters, who while not painted in detail, are defined enough for me to keep them clear in short story format. Some places are muddy where things are pushed too quickly or rely too heavily on tropes. I have no idea why Lumi's being framed because I couldn't make up or down of her description. Overall, though, I like that the whole thing has a clear sense of direction, and the grammar wasn’t as bad as last week’s… Keep going to the finish, but some turns of your story may call for a little more creativity in revision to make the plot a little fresher and less tv episode-like.

Hey Neon! Line by Line First Impressions & Notes Rags for curls? I don’t really picture this. Is this how she ties up her hair when she sleeps or something? “inky plumage” – I’m not sure if she’s got real plumes on those vestigial wings you mentioned or if you’re just speaking of her hair in metaphor Halfway down the second page and my attention is wandering. I’m getting so much tell and so little show and so much repetition of the money, money, money. You’ve already made your point in the narration last week that they’re barely holding things together. No need to keep beating it into the narration at this volume. Why is she walking back? Walking back where? That phrase makes it sound like she’s returning somewhere when the rest of the narration implies she’s moving forward. Floating carriage? I can accept htem, sure, but I would like more detail. Attention wandering and skimming through the first half of page three “golden wings” – So Lasila’s wings are gold, not black Oh, that was the acolyte. Maybe take out the ‘to Lasila’ earlier and then the pronoun would be clearer “blonde haired and winged” – This seems to suggest that not all the inhabitants of this town are? Hm. “a relief on her back to sit” – But Lasila is young? Do her wings make walking harder on her back muscles…? Skimming the first 3 paragraphs of page 4 because it’s all description and there’s no tension or suspense being built While I’m curious at the conversation between Maranthe and Lasila, the dialogue holding to such an elevated tone puts me out of the story. I now you’re going for a tone as an author because they’re in a temple and what not, but every line I read of it reminds me I’m reading a text rather than listening to two people talk. Overall Impressions: The continued descriptions of setting that aren’t impacting the plot is continuing to drag the narrative to a crawl. Those words might sound harsh if you haven’t gone through a lot of critiques, but you should know. Also, you don’t need to add anymore description to the goddess’ body. You evoked the moment just fine. I was hoping that there would be some surprise to draw me in to a real plot when she passed out and the priestess took her to another room for a private recovery and conversation, so the exaggerated apologies fell flat for me. I really wanted my curiosity piqued in some way, and it wasn’t. I see from your comments you’re 1/3 or so from your goal for the manuscript. Keep going and finish telling the story to yourself (as Stephen King says of any first draft), but I still suggest you take a heavy hand to revisions in the area of show vs. tell after you finish the novel. Thanks for submitting, and I hope to see you submit again soon, regardless of the severity of my critiques thus far.

Better!

I think I'd like to submit Monday, if it doesn't fill up. I'll be the first to bow out if others want in, though, since I already submitted this week.

November, <R>, really? :rolleyes: You can do better than that. You get a free pass while jet-lagging, but after that...get that pen to paper!

And, uh, when are YOU submitting, <R>?

“one of the great canals that spiraled upward through the city. It was still in use, by the sound, but the constant roar she remembered from her childhood” – Canals don’t roar, by definition, in canals the water is essentially static and the vessels require an independent source of propulsion. If water is flowing, these are aqueducts. Even then, they are not well designed. Roaring water implies large amounts of energy, which results in big problems for the designers, water with big energy imposes massive loads on structures carrying it. Bad design. Trust <R> on this. He knows all the things! :D :D

Hi there Eagle! Line by lines first: “,always at an intersection” – this modifying phrase has an unclear antecedent. I’m not sure if you mean the graffiti at intersections or at that holds up the scrap paper always at intersections “yes, there, a rainbow fish” … “throwing his shadow” – The deep third threw me for a moment, but once I accepted that as a trope you threw in an omniscient phrase (must be omniscient because he’s not looking behind him or concentrating on his shadow now) I like both phrases okay, but I prefer the imagery to the thoughts in narration. Coupled together they feel a bit odd, though. “Fury Priest” – I’m really glad for this phrase because I was just hoping for some kind of surprise. So far nothing in the narration has hooked me yet. “A multitude of …ceiling” – Consider cutting this summary sentence? I was reading it and it gave me no visual information, and I was relieved to see you give actual specific pictures right after it. Do you really need both? (Not sure…) “not to play/look too closely” – Repetition typo “of course” – should have a semicolon or period after it Overall, this setting paragraph felt a little bulky. Consider tightening some of the the wordier sentences and cutting vague descriptions to keep the juicier bits “I wish to curse someone” – Drawing me in a little, about at the same interest level as I was when you mentioned ‘Fury Priest’ “How much discomfort” – liked this “Tripping on the ground” – This is a fun defiance of my expectations. All this worry over being seen or caught and the guy just wants the other guy annoyed? Amusing. Why the line break? The POV, time, and setting didn’t change. And another at the end? Overall Impressions: I’m always suspicious of prologues, even in published books picked up off a shelf at the store. If a prologue’s job is draw in my curiosity and set up some important info as background knowledge for later in the book, then this particular prologue has succeeded a little more than halfway. I’m assuming this Burrus guy will show up later, and you did accomplish some world-building, but nothing in here hooked my curiosity too hard. Even the one surprise—that the curse was something trivial—wasn’t really enough for me to know I would want to read the rest of the book. The hook needs to be really strong because I’m presuming the masked character/this particular summoner aren’t going to be seen soon or again at all, since this is a prologue, and I am therefore not evaluating the characters as people to get attached to and root for. The prose is overall pretty strong with only a few minor punctuation errors, but some of the places written specifically for description drag a little with extra info. If this part of an unfinished manuscript, I wouldn’t worry about any of that until the whole story’s down on paper, though. To answer your question, nothing was confusing, just a bit unpolished in places. Thanks for submitting and I hope you submit again soon!

Hey Spieles, Glad you’re back with us this week. Hope you’re feeling less overwhelmed by…stuff! “magnetars” – The curse of submitting every other week—I’m trying to remember what magnetars were…vehicles of some sort? “all-directions waterfall” – This is an example of when your imagery tickles my imagination in just the right way! “It’s feels just like” – typo there “use a seatbelt to haul myself up” – Great image. “at full speed ahead” – So was the golf cart driven remotely? I can’t tell if there’s someone with Oz or not? “rubber lion” – Pascal. Didn’t you mention you cut a bit about her from some earlier chapters? If so, I’m ready to say now at this point that I wished you had given us a little bit more about her so that I feel a connection too as a reader at this moment. “closet” –closest typo Food, housing, Calgary, etc – I feel like I’m missing something. Was it Pascal sending the pings or not? If she’s not connected to Penton, then how’d she do it, if she did it, and if she didn’t do it, who did? Johnny—Is he dead? I’m not sure from the dialogue. “pents” – I like this pejorative “peak” – You meant peek. (I typo that all the time) “extra Number Nine” – Oh gee. O__o I won’t ask. …and now I know Oh gee, so that’s what Hayden was on? I wondered at the “D” for drugs rating earlier… Nice cliff hanger ending. I figure he should have checked those pings!!! Overall, great update. The beginning was a little rocky, but that might be because of the break between updates reading in this format. The stuff going on the city has a good pace and I have good questions rolling around in my head. As usual, your imagery is great, and this time none of it felt a little too much. Looking forward to next submission!

Hi there Neongray, welcome back to the board! “knew the goddess was dead” – Nice first line. It opens the story with a question in my mind. “should go” – I like the deep 3rd, but here since it’s the first chapter, I felt a little left hanging not to know where she should go—probably the funeral, but the next sentence didn’t confirm, so I still feel a little lost here Description of brother is good, although the sentence is a little unwieldy in its phrasing “listened to dictates…lowlanders?” – Another couple sentences with good info, but again, a little unwieldy. I understand what they mean just fine, but they’re so long I can tell you’re trying info-dump the reader really fast with setting rather than feeling like a natural progression “Just as well…infrastructure” – At this point, this has turned into full expo-bomb, and I’m starting to worry if plot will happen… “arcanists…lowlands to fight and die” –And I’m officially scanning more than reading now because you’re not giving me anything about the character to hang onto or care about after two hefty paragraphs “mother directly and mother indirectly” – A little character development…but not generating sympathy because it’s so embedded in exposition “wondered if she should miss her more. Or at all.” –Now I’m growing more interesting in Lasila as a character. “oil was plentiful” – Hm, why? Who’s producing it if the population has taken such a hit? “Varinen” – Father or brother? “half a taenosil” – I’m not against fantasy vegetables, but I wish you’d given me a mental image to go with it “Varinen back” – So it is the brother. Wish I’d known the first time. Book on Swordfighting – If Lasila takes up sword fighting soon, I’m okay with this. If not, I feel like this paragraph is wasting my time, and furthermore, makes me wonder how Lasila has luxury time to sit and read when she has to be bothering with hauling water. That kind of chore suggests a hard life where everything is manual. “taenosil meat” – Oh darn. It was an animal? Again, wish you had told me that up front… Physical descriptions: These aren’t bad world and character building details comparing her with her brother, but it would still be better if it were spread out along plot rather than stopping the story for it. Lasila worried about her brother marrying: Seems the opposite ought to be true. A wife would mean more expenses in the house, more mouths to feed, and when she gets pregnant, even more mouths to feed. The brother should be the better bread winner here, therefore, it seems if this is a patriarchy as you suggest, that Lasila would feel the pressure more than Varinen… “landing anyone” – This sounds really modern compared to the rest of the prose And now I see the sister is worried about herself more than him, complain retracted “It’s not like I’m abandoning you” – I’m wishing I had some suggestion of her age at this point Overall thoughts: You’re exposition heavy through-out. Things picked up when the brother came home and they started interacting. I like that you’re able to communicate a social class level well, but I feel like Lasila is still a seed of a character, not fully developed yet, like some of her actions and dialogue are wavering and not quite agreeing with each other. Some of Varinen’s lines dragged as he expounded on the same idea over the course of several sentences. Tighten up the whole thing and it’ll run better. Also, I suggest introduce some deeper tension earlier in the chapter, something to give me real cause to wade through the world building for. Thanks for submitting!

I would also like to submit Monday if possible

The trombone qualifies you for the job.

I like symbols, too. They stick out so much!

I haven't gone through the whole submission yet, but the head-hopping was seriously jarring, so I'd like to weigh in as agreeing that that element needs addressing.

Hey <R>, I think you should organize a fantasy series Hurt'n'Heal on this board...

I think everybody's overwhelmed with end-of-spring stuff. The board's been quieter the last two weeks all round. Stay strong, writers! Summer (ie. lots more writing time) is nearly here!

Hey <R>, Sci-Fi collection? Is this Gfil? He read SF, too???? O___O

You know, GD is the most offensive odnthe bunch for me... but if it's cleaner I'll read and comment

I would like to read and critique, but the language is too pervasive for my tolerance. Thanks for the warning up front about it.

I think if you give some more visual up front maybe it would help me see it as the cheaper alternative to wine, but I still think that the word mead alone is going to make the event seem less elegant, simply because of its use in vernacular and culture. The descriptions you did provide were clear enough, so I think you could add in a little more to make it easier to see. I didn't get anything to tell me that it's in an extreme cold environment. If there was some mention in there, I guess it's not enough because I didn't catch it. One other nitpick, a pet peeve, I really hate it when I get character eye color in a first chapter unless it's very significant, and 99% of the time it's not. It makes me think amateur writer because it smacks of school, rather than modern literature. Just my two cents. Thanks for sharing!

Hey Kammererite, First of all your *G label was a good one. It had me pondering until I read your explanation. You didn't put any specific requests for feedback and judging by the level of polish on this piece, I've decided to give you alpha reader style feedback and not focus in on anything specific. Things I Liked You began with ice sculptures; that was a cool first image Paragraphs are short and action (though there's not enough of it) flows; your prose doesn't drag Dialogue sounds like folks talking for the most part, not bulky or like a narrator mouthpiece Things That Need Work Conflict & Character: There are too many characters too fast, and I think this is happening because this feels discovery written, like you're pulling in people and characters to see if they turn into something later; I like to think of this as sewing seeds--sometimes they sprout sometimes they don't and if you don't like it...weed it out later That said I was halfway through the sub scratching my head and wondering what was going to happen There are too many introductions and the characters are wasting too many words on it Setting: the ice sculptures made me think we were at an expensive party...but then we're ordering mead...? I can't get a feel for where we are In sum, keep working on wherever this going, but if this is just a cut of a first draft, you've got a lot of deep revising to do. Thanks for subbing!

"Waifs and Strays" by Robinski Alpha read by krystalynn03 Waifs and Strays is an epic length novel penned by Robinski. The only bits of his writing I'd read before came from "Hold the Bridge," so I knew a little bit about his voice and his preferred style of fantasy before beginning, although it was still a rough draft. Some places of W&S read more polished than others, but overall, has a good story in it. First, let me say that I've never done an alpha review before, so having Robinski kindly alpha reading "Roamwald" at the same time helped me learn to be a better alpha reader as I went. Robinski demonstrates an ability in W&S that I envy. He constructs a plot thick with many different characters following their own plots at the same time weaving them all back together. I like to read that kind of pacing in books, but I find it very, very difficult to pull off as an author. W&S does a good job at making a lot of intricate pieces are fall into place for the whole. The setting of Lufmatho has believable politics, religion, and a decent, if not completely fleshed out, magic system, that ties back to both of the former. The protagonists of W&S evade the cliche of characters all having to come from a particular age group to be interesting. My favorite protag was Benam, an aging 'has been' hero who is haunted by his reputation on one hand while seeming to under perform his potential as a dock supervisor on the other. The arrival of the enemy jolts him from a boring middle life into one of meaning again, although not without personal cost. Covelle, I think, is supposed to be the character that the majority of readers take to. He's an aristocrat gone rogue, but he never read quite right for me. He tries to change as a character and grow up as the novel progresses, but I think this is something that needs to be refined in revisions for him to have any texture. There are two female protagonists, but most of what I think about them might be too spoiler-y, so I'll not say anything here. There are parts of the book that need cutting and restructuring to change the pacing, but that's a normal fix. Who was who said that any first draft of a novel is really the author telling himself the story? I attribute most of the pacing problems currently in W&S to that and hope to see a tighter version in the future. The story, long as it is, is still pretty solid. While W&S sometimes had me question the characters, I never once questioned the overall plot logic. Robinski runs a very tight ship on the front. (See what I did there, R?) There are several setting changes that stick out in my mind as vivid and well done: the rocky haven, the bilge of a ship, the river outside the mansion at twilight, the overgrown country cottage garden... W&S did yank on my emotional chains a few times, giving me surprises, anger, and regret, which are all good in turn. Again, I can't really expound on that for sake of spoilers. Robinski has far more knowledge about how the military and ships work, and every time he brought those elements into the story, the setting became very real. W&S is a strong first run of a solid fantasy plot. I would like to see it's pacing restructured through cutting and revision, some of the main characters brought into more vivid focus, and a few of the more 'stock fantasy' settings or situations revised to be 'one off' to keep things a little fresher for readers who've read too many fantasy books in their life. I hope you keep revising W&S and share with me and/or beta thread in the future soon, Robinski! I'm still attached to Benam!

Congrats on finding the word!