krystalynn03

Hey there Kuiper, I have not read the first chapter, but the info gave in the beginning was plenty to make everything that followed easy to comprehend. First italicized Scene: I don’t know how I feel about this as an opening, even after having read the whole thing at one go this morning. (This is read-through 2 for comment purpose). I didn’t like having one named and one unnamed character then and now on read two, knowing where the story is going, I’m not sure that it was necessary. It does ramp the tension a little as I was supposing that the line about stress killing her or not was foreshadowing, but knowing that the premise is a bar for the afterlife and life to meet, I don’t think you need such a structured hook. This isn’t the first chapter; it’s the second. Chances are your reader has already decided whether your writing is their kind of thing or not. ‘gaudy and sterile’ was a really weird juxtaposition for me. If you accompanied it with some specific details to explain what you meant maybe it would work better. Otherwise, those two things don’t mesh well together as stand alone adjectives. ‘The fact she was a customer now…’ This made it sound like she had worked at this particular bar. Probably should tweak the wording to make it clearer. ‘fell out of her seat’ – Firstly, I think this is not as good a description as most of your other imagery is. I won’t call it cliché, but it’s certainly stock. Also, in retrospect of the double twists at the end, I’m not sure how it can make sense seeing as how she seems to be purposefully staking the place out for this guy. ‘Chinese-American’ bartender: I have two problems with this bit. First, you just introduced a Japanese named character that I haven’t quite got a handle on as a character yet and then you throw in a background character and describe them with Chinese. After seeing the rest of plot, it’s obvious that the bartender’s nationality has no bearing on the plot at all, so I’m not sure why you used that detail to characterize her. In the moment, it made me think I had misread something. Furthermore, referring to the bartender this way makes it doubly confusing when the narrator magically knows the bartender’s name later in the narrative. ‘Hay-ou’ This bothered me a bit. Hey you isn’t idiomatic or figurative speech, so why doesn’t Nakamoto understand it when he speaks with relatively advanced language structures later. It’s inconsistent with language development stages. If Samantha used something more colloquial or figurative, I’d believe this interaction was real, but here, it feels like good writing trying to fake knowledge of language acquisition. The topic of women is weird in this entire situation. I understand that as a mob boss he’s totally acting alpha male to max, but it was still weird that none of it flustered Samantha at all. I wish ‘He rubbed his fingers together’ came before ‘Why do you think we always pay in cash?’ I would enjoy the dialogue there better if I could picture his hands at work while he’s talking, rather than adding it afterwards. ‘I know I should take responsibility…’ Samantha’s dialogue here seems to betray her here. She speaks like a sophisticated thinker, but then things like sexual equality don’t bother her, and furthermore, if she’s Interpol playing at being someone not educated enough to do more than make money as a bartender, shouldn’t she play her role a little more authentically? I’m not sure entirely sure, but I think it’s worth questioning and considering. ‘Especially not with you…’ Sleaze level to the max here. I mean that as a compliment to the writing. The flashback jolted me out of the narrative a bit. Maybe because I didn’t want to leave the conversation? Question: If she’s with Interpol afterall…why didn’t she get a heads up that something was going down tonight? Is that normal undercover protocol? (I really have no clue) I like that her ability to note details a normal bartender wouldn’t foreshadows what she really is, but why is she dropping the tray of drinks? This feels weird just like her ‘almost falling out her chair’ at the beginning of the narrative. Odd reactions for someone who’s supposed to play their part and keep their cool under dangerous circumstances. If she were dropping the tree to cause a distraction or something then maybe? I don’t know. I’m struggling with her characterization. ‘his right hand was near his chest’ I had to stop and reread this phrase several times and I think you mean the holster thing that sometimes loops around shoulder/armpit region? ‘bleeping Yakuza’ I like that this misleads Nakamoto/reader to think she died, although I wish I know at what moment a bullet hit her. I can chalk that up to shock I guess. ‘Eileen walked up’--- This is the bit that was weird. Narrator didn’t know the character name before, but now they do, and then you bother to get the name in dialogue. Odd. (maybe just a rough draft oversight?) Why the paragraph change between “Ah well…” and “It may be my deceased…” It’s the same character acting and talking with no interlude to anyone else’s actions or reactions. ‘Forbidden fruit…’ She’s throwing insinuating language at him but then evil eyeing him when he acts on it? Again, Samantha’s dialogue and actions don’t always seem to match. The second flashback was easier to accept once the pattern had been established. Sorry, but the name Kiyoshi makes me think of the Kiyoshi warriors in Avatar the Last Airbender… The Kojiri comedic break was good and needed. ‘I know contempt’ Another bit of dialogue that doesn’t seem to agree with something established earlier. Nakamoto said that he thought she would be drawn to him, drawn to a man of power, but now he’s saying he knew all along that she held him in contempt. Well, which was it? The use of Japanese here with no translation really made me feel cheated out of something important. I know ‘Omae wa’ is You…but the rest? Okay, so she’s showing off she knew Japanese after all, but I still felt cheated out of content in the moment. Creeped? You mean crept? I’d take ‘creeped’ as in creeped out where the long e is preserved but not here. It looks wrong. Love the switcheroo with Nakamoto and Kiyoshi. Great twist. So Kiyoshi/Nakamoto was playing her, suggested by the sinister smile, but I feel a little cheated by skipping to no resolution on how that conversation ended or what Samantha thought was going on with that man in the interim after he found out she was Interpol. The final twist of her not being dead was also great for me; however, the ending image lost some bang with the use of the verb fading. With the quick pace of all the reveals at the ending, the slow verb made the impact lose something for me. Overall, I enjoyed the chapter, but want to see some character motives and sentences tightened up. Thanks for sharing.

What's the cookie joke about?

Hey there Valthyr welcome to (back?) the group! Your opening line is short, and the simplicity of it seems to be meant to be the hook for the reader, but you know, I think I might like it better if you gave me that description of her hair as the first line and then the man’s reaction. It would bring me into the world with an engaging image, and it would be charming if the man messed up buttering his croissant or spread too much or some other action that showed the magnitude of his distraction. I don’t know if this threw anybody else, but the description of her skin as white followed by other people seeming ‘less’ rubbed me a little odd. I know you’re not making a racist comment or anything of the like, but it almost sounds like that when you use the word ‘white’ in English in the context of comparing the quality of human beings. I know you’re working in L2, but it would be a huge oversight for nobody to steer you toward grammar rules on dialogue for the English language. Most of your dialogue tags are punctuated incorrectly. I could write out a grammar lesson here, but you could google one a whole lot faster. If you plan to continue writing in English, this is a must. The way the man (sometimes gentleman?) talks to the Stranger makes it seem like he knows him. Does he? And if he does know him, then why is he the Stranger? If this is third person omniscient then this could be glossed over for a time as using the names chosen by the narrator’s voice, but the way the characters are interacting leaves me scratching my head in a disoriented, not intrigued, kind of confusion. I really like that the crow is the odd thing out. It’s the first element in the narrative that hooks me enough to read on and find out. Mountain: We’re in a city, and all of a sudden there’s a mountain. This was confusing. I need you to segue this better or the mountain just appears out of nowhere! In that first paragraph it seems that you’re going into third person limited narrative in Kaya’s head, but then you seem to pull out to omniscient to describe the mountain…confusing. I do like the imagery in the street, even if the narrative voice is vacillating. Distractedly stared at the lights – Hm, are you hinting Kaya has an alcohol problem or is this just a throwaway description of the town? Hm. “Bastard!” – Since we’ve not had any other mention of people around, it seems with no dialogue tags at all that this must be Kaya talking, and it’s disorienting to find it wasn’t her in the next paragraph when I thought she was reacting the register not having a cashier! Why does Kaya relax at the sound of domestic violence? If I had some insight into what she feared it might have been, that reaction would make more sense. Something snapped…and then Kaya shakes her head and loses herself in the sound of her own boots? I’m not seeing the cause effect here. Why does she look up at the strengthening scent of blood? How far up is she looking? She was looking at a second floor a paragraph ago. Is she still looking that high? When did she look down? Veil’s first bit of dialogue should really include that he’s the crow in the same sentence. I saw it coming because I can sweep my eyes across that many words that fast, but the wording should still be clearer since you’re introducing a character. I do like the idea of the crow as an important character, though, especially after the mention of in the first scene. He wasn’t always around. –Is this referring to the crow or the mouse? If Mus’ accent is American…what is everybody else speaking? “I don’t think this one’s for us” – This is great dialogue. I really want to know what kind of dead body is for them. ‘lithe frame’ –If the narrative is 3rd limited, this should be taken out because girls don’t stand around and think about themselves as lithe. If you go with omniscient you could leave it there, but it’s still kind of annoying phrase when you’ve already shown yourself able to give more poignant descriptions. Mus’ conversation about the wine: Good! That bit about staring at the alcohol was a little character building after all “Look at the license, love” – Please be careful not to overdo ‘love’… So far Veil’s winning the best character for me—he’s giving up the best dialogue but I do appreciate that I can feel he’s a very different personality from Kaya or Mus Kaya spinning: Is she drunk or does she have some kind of sixth sense…? You didn’t put any specific questions in your commentary or critique requests, but you did mention being concerned about writing from a female POV. I did not know whether I was reading a man writing a woman or a woman writing a woman until I went back to your email and checked to see what feedback you wanted and saw your name tagged to email, indicating that you’re male. So I would so far so good on that front.

Hey Spieles, Last week was terribly busy for me, but I did read your submission. I’m reading it again now for the second time, and I’m going to make comments as I go and reflect on the sub as a whole. I’m not going to read what other people wrote, because I’ve found it useful even when people mention the same things because if something gets noticed or bothers more than one person that has helped me know which parts really needed more attention. I like the description of Eleanor, although after two weeks, I don’t remember exactly why she’s significant compared to the other brides, were I a reader with the whole book in front of me, this wouldn’t happen, so no worries or changes needed there I shouldn’t think. I do hope I find out why she’s breathing so hard. I like the shorn napes, although the image of the fleur de lis threw me the first time. I thought to myself that design seemed to complicated to put on for each single kill they make, unless they’re not killing as many I would think. Maybe if you mentioned that size of the fleurs I’d picture it better? ‘to be a private airport’ --- missing the word ‘a’ Why is it rude to be at the door yanking the handle? He’s a gentleman—maybe he was opening the door for them? ‘since St. Louis’ and ‘stay on their Greens’ I don’t remember from three weeks ago if this was explained in the first submission… ‘overly crowded home’ etc. I know you gave us the image of the digital sign, but I don’t really have anything specific to visualize about the place. Is there any imagery here you could insert to give me a feeling, a tone, for what life feels like in this place? You’ve been awfully vivid about characters, but places seem not to get as much attention. I’m not advising you slow down the plot for this, but I wish I had a little something for my imagination to nibble on here. A single phrase or sentence would do, I think. ‘not-father’ Ouch. Awe to glare: Wonder what happened between them? (good reader question) Now I remember Eleanor…kinda. She’s famous for running/starting the Brides or something. ‘spell it out’—Really hostile here or rather…teen scorn ‘Oz’ I know the name was here in the first sub, but I am hoping that there’s a good reason why his name is Oz when it keeps triggering yellow brick roads or HBO series from childhood when he promises. “We’ll make room.” Shouldn’t that be a comma there since you’re using promise as a dialogue tag verb? ‘side step’ Merriam Webster thinks this can be a single word. ‘if I want out’ would be clearer if I knew he meant out of the market room…almost seemed like out of the conversation or out of the town completely ‘trading post etc’ I think I would have liked this kind of info before the dialogue exchange, especially since you draw a contrast with the inside of the six-wheeler ‘high powered visitors’ How would Johnny know? As far as I can tell he didn’t come from inside the post where Oz just left. ‘the kitchen’ Why is it ‘the’ and not his mom’s kitchen? Does everyone share just one? ‘hand mill’ Shouldn’t it be: ‘I hear the grind of hand mills’ or ‘I hear the grind of a hand mill’? Cricket bars: This is a fabulous detail. If I wondered about the quality of life of these people before, this tells me all in two words. This almost makes me think of the shrimp/krill factories in ‘The House of the Scorpion’ by Nancy Farmer, and in a post-apocalyptic YA sense, that’s a compliment. I really, really liked her books. ‘guests’ Again…how does she know? (Forgive if this was made clear in the sub several weeks ago) ‘solar panel eyes’ I don’t care for this description. It’s stretching the metaphor farther than I’d say it should go. I’ve got a sense of the techy-ness of the society without this here. ‘From when I shot him.’ I’m cool with fragments sometimes as it adds to the chain of thought voice of the present tense, but right here it just feels like a mess-up rather than an intention break in thought and addition. ‘a long rectangle’ …of what? Are cricket bars crunchy such that she can snap it? I was picturing something kinda’ gooey until now. There’s no description of how the food feels in Oz’s mouth, so this threw my visuals here as I have to rewrite what I thought cricket bars look like—that is, if I’m reading this right. I picked on a lot of wording details and so on, but the characterization is just right. I can really feel the dynamic of Oz’s relationship with Mona and Johnny through the brief conversation. I like it. ‘Otherwise he’s one of those people you can’t get to shut up’ …Why? Because he’s chatty? Because he’s constantly barking orders? Or what? “Even better, sleep deprived, you risked your next.” –It’s acceptable for the narrator to move an adverbial phrase like that in front of the subject phrase, but people don’t speak like that too often. I’m not saying you just have to change it, but it sounds a little odd for dialogue level language. Maybe you could move it to the end or have him repeat it in disgusted surprise: “Sleep deprived? You risked your neck sleep deprived(?)(.) Even better.” (Forgive me if this oversteps creative bounds…just tossing around idea—you could leave it as is and I wouldn’t fuss about it if I weren’t in editor mode—I’d be reading it too quickly to notice at all) [Calgary’s inspection of wound] I like Calgary a lot better than Oz does. Yup, Oz feels like a real teen. The hair bit: I’m getting a weird read here. I can’t wholly tell if this is more banter-like, like the better part of their relationship is showing through or if this just a continuation of how they grate on each other’s nerves. I’d like it to be playful, so that it gives their relationship more dimension, which would make Oz more likeable than just a surly teen who can’t see when someone wants to protect him. Also, I’d appreciate you replacing the use of Jesus’ name as a swear word and find something else. ‘Still others have major science components’ Again, the wording here feels more like a narrator talking. ‘tentatively back’ read weird for me. Prefer: ‘returns tentatively’ ‘Onto the slimy bathroom floor’ This is another fragment that slows down the narrative without adding the rhythm of thought, imho Food from a canteen…? Ah, Oz for Oscar. The test is a great way to sneak in some expo without doing maid and butler Also, I appreciate the immediate test results and pack instructions—it’s keeping the pace moving What was his purpose in going to the shed? there’s something angelic about her small nose and the soft pout of her lips –I like most of the writing you’ve done, but this just made me cringe. I wouldn’t like the wording anywhere you put, but if you put it after he crouches down next to her, it might be a little less odd than noticing those details on a stranger who’s randomly setting fire in part of your home area… Oz seems easily impressed by girls…willing to overlook getting heady from not even O2 just so the girl can keep being pretty and making a pretty thing happen. I’ll feel better about this if it turns out to be a weakness later. ‘A smile slashes her mouth.’ This does work for me. Maybe, just maybe a smile could slash her face, but smile slashing her mouth just doesn’t translate to any real kind of picture that makes sense. Mona at the end: are the barrels empty? That bothered me while trying visualize it—also, is it normal for her to be up this late? Overall, this is a good progression. There’s some bits that feel mandatory to the hero’s journey—the bit with Calgary—but you keep things rolling quickly enough and the characters varied enough that it feels like it’s going at a good, organic pace. I’m hoping that Oz doesn’t turn out to do some annoying shallow teen things: overly criticize Calgary/fall for every girl he lays eyes on, etc. I’m trusting you as a narrator not to do that to me as a reader, but so far, I’d still keep diving into the story.

Hey Robinski...can you take off you chapter 12 comments... Those are actually chapter 13 now

Hey guys! How's the pacing within the 3 chapters? Originally, I had chapter 10 and 11 as just one big chapter 10, and I broke it in two. I've slimmed the section down by 700 words, but I still want to know if there are parts that dragged or ideas repeated within this section. How's the pacing feel in conjunction with the chapters before? This is my last 'set up' sequence before I start firing off all the guns I've shown the reader, but I still want to know how it feels in the broad scheme of things. I tried to do a better job introducing minor characters by putting them in a broad sweep rather than introducing them one by one like I did with the relatives. Does this work better for you? Anybody ever kept sheep? I'm going to need realism/consistency checks. Do the characters' reactions to Jennie's explanation feel organic and varied? Can you tell what Will is thinking? Anything that did work/didn't work for you? Thanks!

I haven't read the book, but I wouldn't be surprised if I liked the movie better, too. There's a level of visual charm achieved by the actor choices and some of the purposefully cheesy 80's effects that wouldn't exist on paper, regardless of Goldman's abilities as a writer.

I think (?) I count five for this week, but if somebody bows out last minute because of circumstances, I'd like to submit.

Hi rdpulfer! Having too much to keep up on seems like a good problem for the board to have! Lots of creative juices flowing this April, I guess. Thanks for letting me know which parts worked and what didn't. I've asked about pacing every week, but I guess what I meant wasn't the pacing of each chapter, but the pacing of getting to chapter eight, which is exactly what you gave me feedback on. Thanks.

I wish I could go back in time and erase everyone's memories and get a read of impressions without C1 in place. I think I'd be getting different kinds of problems on the radars...but thanks so much again. You've really helped a lot!

Hey Shadowfax, After reading your responses to us, I think I have a suggestion. I'm probably stepping over all kinds of bounds but it popped into my head, so I'm going to type it up here as I think it would give you some wiggle room in these chapters (for adding stuff) and help with overall tension and set up the story to be about Roamwald (which I DO love this as a book title). If there are bounds set out in the rules, I don’t recall them, and either way, I’m not offended by things that start snuffling up against the creative realm. If I were writing this book for the first time and it was truly soft mush in my head, I’d feel threatened by it, but the entire world and the story itself are so concrete in my mind to me, that creative suggestions are non-threatening when I’m in the nth draft of a text. (Good to know you like the title…it hasn’t always been that, but I haven’t thought of something better) To make some room in word count for added tension and secription in these chapters, you could cut a lot of the story Jane tells Jennie (bear with me here!). You could spend time showing us Jane's emotions and Jennie's reactions and prodding for information. This is what I currently intend… Where do readers get the whole story from them? Well, if you're cutting chapter 1, you could give us a short prologue Gosh, you lost me at prologue. Prologue’s are such a touchy topic, you know? To me, it smacks heavily of genre fantasy, and while I think structurally you’re on to something, the idea of a prologue makes me squeamish. set years and years before, of an event in Jennie's family's past... with people being Snatched... O.O! It's probably too scary for MG reading, but this thought did pop into my mind. I love prologues because they tell us "hey this has a huge impact on the plot, so bear with this book's first chapters while we work up to it". It would also make the scene with Jennie and Roamwald way more suspenseful. Here’s my other problem with doing this as a prologue—in the book, I’m giving the reader hint after hint of what a Snatcher is/does, right? First, there’s Leon warning about it pulling up trees. Then, there’s Mama telling Jennie that the Snatchers are why they hid in the valley, and they’re so dangerous, you can’t kill them with a gun; you got to have a cannon to do the trick. Then, we have Helene insinuating a mix truth and lies about Snatchers (they are huge, they do rattle the ground, but no they’re hairy monster man-eaters), and then Jane’s true story that Snatchers can suddenly show up from nowhere and there’s nothing you can do about it. Do you see how each repetition builds on the last? If I put a Snatcher scene at the beginning, then it’s like the opposite effect of what I’ve done with Roamwald’s current inner monologue I intend to cut from C1. Rather than diffuse the tension because we secretly know beyond the 4th wall that he’s not harmful, it cuts the tension because it slices out all the mystery. Each of the iterations of the Snatcher info reveal with a nightmarish opening would be boring to the reader because they’ve already seen worse on page one of the text, see what I mean? I don’t mean to shoot your idea down—the fact that I caught your interest enough to get you to engage your imagination is a really good thing. I’m just thinking through the repercussions. I don't see this actually happening, and like I said I probably overstepped some bounds even posting this, but it was a thought and I wrote it down. Again, you didn’t step over any bounds as far as I’m concerned, and I’m grateful you took the risk and time to post it anyway. I am eagerly waiting the next submissions. Usually I won't read past chapter 2 or 3 in a book unless I plan on finishing it; I'm super picky about what I spend my time reading. You've gotten me to chapter 9, so I'm in it for the long haul if you're okay with putting up with my picky-pants comments xD I’m with you, Shadowfax. Our school librarian used to call me the book snob because she’d hand me ‘good books’ and I’d hand them back to her and say they were boring or bad because blah, blah, blah. Just because something gets a sticker and a title doesn’t mean it’s good… I’m completely okay with your ‘picky-pants’ comments and I want your picky-pants because you’re noticing things that I’ve become blind to with too many reads and rereads and rewrites! Hope I didn’t overstep any bounds myself by shutting down the idea, but I wanted to respond anyway. Maybe my response is overlooking something? And I always open to discussing something out, whether I like or dislike an idea. Still truly appreciative that you shared.

Robinski, I like your overreaction. Having it be a wedding really was 'low hanging fruit', and I'm going to change that. I As for the German speaking, I knew I would get some questions. I think I mentioned way back on like my initial submission that there was a part of the book I was anxious about getting past, and this was it. I was anxious that people would see the trope/archetype and think it's just a BFG story and think they know how it'll end, and I was anxious that people would throw rocks at me for having him speak German. There are both in-story reasons for it and out-of-story reasons for it, but I don't want to say anything more about it until Roamwald gets the chance to speak for himself on the matter. Hopefully, the rest of the narrative (if the reader has signed on through this point) is enough to keep them going 2 1/2 more chapters to get those answers (and subsequently more questions) as we go. In any case, seeing really different reactions to the same material gives me really good insight, like triangulating something, you know? You need more than one point of reference.

Hey Mandamon! Overall, I thought this was a good reveal. Some detail missing on the snatcher, but aside from that good. I did sort of have the same reaction as Robinksi to the hands appearing on their own. Yeah, I got do a better job on that description. As to the questions about family, I though the tension was good, and didn't see a need for anything added in the kitchen. I'm with spieles that one brother's prosperity over the other seems very suspicions. I’m going to try to clear that up by adding a few more phrases in the argument about the horse. pg 7: So if her grandmother was Jennie's age, and they all lost their family, how old were the survivors? Was this mountain town started by teenagers? I had a longer explanation here once upon a time. Her grandmother was a little girl and came to the valley as little girl, taken in by the family of the man she would ended up marrying years later (the Teals). There were plenty of both adults and children in the original group, though anyone who was an adult would long since be dead of old age or other causes. Chapter 8: took me a moment to figure out that they were back at the woods. Was this just a one day trip? Seems like a lot of effort for it. Well, they left for Jane’s in morning to be there by lunch, so after lunch, they’d be back home before supper. Doesn’t help that you felt confused though. I’ll try to work out a better transition there. I thought these were good chapters, starting to get into the meat of the story. I feel like I'm missing something in the description of Roamwald. Jennie just says that he's big, and described hands larger than her. If he's in proportion, that would put his hands about 5 ft long, that would put him somewhere over 50 feet tall. I'm not sure this size person could even hide in a tall forest. This is where my description of old growth forest setting is going to have to get a looooooooot better. Not all forests are created equal and I have done a terrible (really nonexistent job) of painting the kind of forest we’re in. I’m going to have fix that and ask you to bear with me till I do…which I’d better do sooner rather than later. When she's lifted to a walking height, she would be 30-40 feet in the air, but I didn't get any description of the high altitude. Hm. Let me consider how I can fix this. The place where that happens another commenter thought that that sequence dragged, so I need to find a balance between getting a few more details in and not slowing down the pace. Granted, there’s some other changes I’m going to make to the tone of the chapter that might buy me some leeway, but we’ll see. My next submission in a couple weeks (???) might be of an overhaul of chapter 9 since I’ve got so much good feedback to shore up here. Not sure how often that happens on the thread? Subs of reworked submissions? Most of the text was focused on his hands and face, but Jennie would have to have noticed the rest of him, including the clothes he was wearing. We only get a description of blue sleeves. And where do they manufacture clothes so big? Thank you for asking that. That’s the good kind of question (intended curiosity), rather than the bad kind (unintended confusion). I’ll let Roamwald answer for himself later on. Thank you for your insights! I look forward to improving the product!

I calling Switzerland on this one. :D

Hey Robinski! Chapter 7 in this chapter was not hearing the end of Leon’s (Theo’s) thought about the exchange of the horse for the medicine. There was real good tension there but I feel I'm left hanging on that particular line. I think I’ve got an idea how to fix that by combining a response with something that clarifies some family history! Nice exchange between Jane and Jennie, culminating with the gift of the locket. I foresee fireworks when Charlotte lays eyes on that!! Maybe you won’t go there. Huh. I hadn’t thought of that. In a previous iteration of this story, the locket was a bigger deal, and Helene threw a fit about it, but not in this version. Although, if I could make it more useful in a way that doesn’t slow overarching plot, I would. The wholesale snatching of the family at the wedding a bit melodramatic to me, I can see the logic in that they were all together, but it feels just like a tad like this happened for story reasons of dispatching many relatives at the one time, a bit too convenient. Well, it doesn’t matter if it’s relatives getting Snatched or not. A bunch of Humans is a draw regardless of the occasion. If the wedding bit feels like melodrama, I can take it or leave it, it doesn’t affect the plot at all. They could be at trade days, a barn raising, a corn husking, quilting bee, whatever—as long as they’re out on the plains and not within the border guard of the Commonwealth, a highly fluctuating line of defense in that decade before War for Recognition came to an actual close… Chapter 8 Good chapter, but there were some details that bothered me […] were talking about shadows of trees, so I presumed it was daylight. I will work on the light/dialogue. I mentioned cliché in, which was maybe harsh, but the Snatcher (presumably) rescuing Jennie puts me firmly in the territory that I mentioned earlier on in terms of story ark. It’s really well written with engaging characters, but my concern is that this is a pretty well-worn archetype, so my expectations are almost preset by the classic stories that have gone before. That said, even if I was put off (which I'm not), I would keep reading for the writing and the characters alone. I knew from your alpha comments at the end of 5 that you were not going to be wholly pleased by 6-9. Given that, I hope you stick it out long enough to let Roamwald speak long enough for himself that he becomes the character I want him to be to you than rather than just an archetype (which he is until he can a chance to really talk). I was hoping to diffuse some of the archetype of the entire situation with the inclusion of C1, but C1 has taken such a toll on the suspense in so many places that I’m probably going to have to cut it and hope that readers bear with the entire story long enough to get past this bit. Chapter 9 Always a difficult thing to do, introducing the ‘big reveal’, especially of such a big character! I see what you did there. I thought it worked pretty well, there were some nice details associated with his size and the mechanics of Jennie being up in the air. One or two notes to note, from me, the first image of the big hands coming out of the forest felt off to me. I pictured that looked something like a bad practical effects movie, big polystyrene hands on rollers that were green-screened out, or something like that. It didn’t feel dynamic, but rather ponderous. You know, I sensed a problem with that bit too, but I haven’t figured out how to fix it. I hope by distilling all the comments on that part (which I already felt pretty weak) I can make a breakthrough to doing it better somehow. At the end, Jennie seems more confident is his company, and yet she still stutters her name and he goes off with the wrong impression – that didn’t sit all that well for me. It seemed like she suddenly backslid into nervousness for the purposes of some misconception that will be plot-significant down the line. Naw. Her mispronunciation is not a plot point. I’m not pulling that one over on anybody, but I’m not changing her reaction, either. The reasons go beyond this book for that choice. Good chapter, but not my favourite. Yeah, I knew you were not going to be greatly pleased. Even so, you gave me great feedback and lots of really useful in-line stuff, too, which I can now slowly start addressing without anti-nausea meds in my system (but not before I work on Waifs & Strays!)

Hey Shadowfax, Welcome back, and glad your move went well! “Shut pan already.” – this seems oddly out of place. We haven’t seen it used before Actually, Uncle Leon said it in the update you were gone for, showing where Jennie picked it up. If it still bothers you, I can think about it, but I do kind of want it to stick out, in a good way, not a bad way, because it is very rude and contemporary to the era I’m evoking… “I haven’t the foggiest.” … I'm probably being picky lol But, it stuck at me, so I commented. I don’t think you’re being picky at all. The same thought flitted through my mind when I put it in, but I let it through, and now that it dinged someone else’s radar, I know I need to take it right back out! As a side note, it feels like the dialect has all but disappeared as soon as they set down to have dinner with their more affluent family members. I can’t tell if they’re trying to fit in better, trying to impress, or what, but now everyone is speaking the same and so it’s harder to tell there’s a socio-economic difference between these family units. You’re right, right, and right. I know the dialectal speech bothers some people, and I’d like to say, oh, I just changed it back to normal, but no, I did this by accident. I’ve always thought that the Teals spoke a little better because Great-Grandpa Teal was affluent back in the Commonwealth and the Fullers never were, so there’s a level of education passed down in the Teal house that’s not present in the Fullers’, but I’m just not pegging it well because I do the same thing in real life. If I speak with my Yankee mother or with my Rebel father, my friends can all life and tell me who I’ve been speaking to on the phone with lately. I’ve got to fix the dialogue here, and I’m not quite sure how. Thanks for noticing. You’re right that I’ve got it wrong. I’m having a very difficult time all of a sudden picturing Jane as an old, frail woman. Jennie is only 10, but was old enough to retain memories of burying her grandfather in 1874. She should have been 5 or 6 for that, 4 if you really sell her memory-making capabilities (and they would need to be REALLY sold). He was 38 when he died, which means early 30s when Jennie was born. Jane’s older brother was only 8 years older than Alfred, so at earliest Jane was born in 1829 and it’s probably now around 1880 which makes her ~51 (younger if there’s larger than a one year gap between her and her brother). For me, 51 is hardly a frail old woman, so if she is really this young, perhaps we can have some context for why she’s so old and frail looking? Alack! Alack! My hatred of math is discovered! I may make her great-granny Jane then…though I wouldn’t want to introduce anymore characters (meaning grandparents) and just have to ask the reader to accept without lengthy explanation that Jane somehow survived her own children…not sure… Actually, if Jane outsurvived Hanna/Theo's own parents and partly raised them herself, it might explain why Theo isn't better behaved, not having a male figure around to put a higher expectation on him. Hm. Not sure. Need to mull over. Either that, or Jane needs to act younger. A hard life does age people faster...plenty photo evidence of that, but what I've got in text isn't working... “a tulip tree” – I had to actually look this up. Woo, I learned something new literally tried to picture a tree with tulips hanging off it xD That might be too much work to ask of child reader…maybe I should pick a different tree? I am curious how Jennie knows where the traps are supposed to be. Has her father taken her with him before? Somehow, I don’t see that happening, as he and Leon seem to try to keep her safe at home. He does take her with him. That’s how she knows how he had them set up and that her attempts to set that first one back up are wrong. I don’t think Will ever tells Jennie no. She asks her mom and she asks Leon, but I don’t think she asks her father… “Jennie Elisabeth Fullers, Born: 1873” – Nope. Alack! Alack! My hatred of math is further uncovered. Joking aside, I’ll fix the math. I’ve read this stuff dozens of times and never made a connection there to realize what I did. Thanks. I’ll fix that. ““Ach, bitte, please” – uh, the Snatchers speak German? I’m not sure if this confuses me, or makes me want to know why they speak German and how they learned English. I’ll let Roamwald explain for himself in a few chapters... ““You could call me Roamwald if you liked.”” – This disappointed me actually. For the last 8 chapters I’ve gone on the notion that Roamwald was the world and this was Jennie’s story about living in this world. Now we have a story named for a character we know nothing about but myths and legends and a main character with an as-yet tenuous connection to the name of the book. I’m not saying it’s bad, just that when I read this line I felt something akin to disappointment, in that now my brain is like, “I’ve just spent 8 chapters with Jennie and it’s not even her book. Why do I care about Jennie?” Questions like this are ok, so don’t take me wrong. Hm. Well, it is her book… This is a curious reaction and I’m not entirely sure what to do with it other than connect it back to my concerns about overall pacing. It is Jennie’s book and Jennie’s story. She has a lot left to do in this book, and the entire book is just an opening for what’s going on in the rest of the world, which she wouldn’t know anything about if she hadn’t fallen onto an iced over river in this book and met Roamwald. (This statement is not technically true but explaining it would make spoilers for events 3 books later). I hope you’ll hang with the characters long enough to see that Jennie’s role is not less important because of Roamwald. All my books are heavy on relationships, which I hope is evident already with the attention I’ve put into the family dynamics and malfunctions, and the stress that this is going to create and where it goes will hopefully compensate your disappointment as it turns into something else. Maybe Roamwald's not a good title. It certainly isn't set in stone. I didn’t comment last week cause I was on the road and settling in, but I actually missed Leon in these past few chapters. For me, he’s the only adult with any lick of sense in him. I have a hard time picturing him as a bad guy- more he’s the family member that everyone else paints as a bad guy and they’re all hell-bent on making me think their way. I love this reaction. I’m glad somebody’s on Leon’s side. When I get opposing opinions of the same character both with good textual evidence, I know I’ve got the character written the way I want them! Helene… I don’t believe in spanking children, but man I want to put that brat over my knee xD Ha! There are a lot of family dynamics going on and it gets a little overwhelming, but as a reader I accept them because I assume these characters will all have roles to play. So, I hope this is the case. Yes, every character I’ve brought out and every set piece has a purpose later, even some things I don’t think (???) anyone has caught because nobody has commented on them (which is good…I want them to be there and not be obvious until the book is nearly over) The descriptions are good and strong, as in previous chapters, in regards to character interaction, etc. The setting is still very “fill-in-the-blanks” in some places. It reads as if you’re more comfortable describing the outdoors than anything indoors, so when we go through a door, we lose some of that descriptive flavor. This is a brain-flipping response. I hadn’t realized I was doing this, but you’re totally right. I think I know why I’m doing it (the outdoors is more important to the plot), but I don’t want to leave the reader feeling like they’re looking at characters against a blank backdrop every time they’re indoors. I’ll fix this! Based on the first chapter, I had already assumed Jennie would be rescued (once we saw her on the ice floe) and returned home by the Snatcher; none of this was shocking, a twist, or really changed anything I already had in my mind about the story. It would have more impact if either the first chapter was removed, or if it had a decidedly more sinister ambience. This is the clincher for me. When C1 just bothered people connecting to Jennie in C2, it was a bother, not a plot problem. Having it demolish all tension in C9, however, makes it a dire plot problem. Consider C1 cut. Chapter 1 for me was wistful, not frightening, and therefore the impact of seeing Jennie rescued by the Snatcher was non-existent. There was amazing tension when she was trapped on sinking ice, I truly felt scared for her, but as soon as the loud steps and strange sounds came, the tension was gone and even Jennie’s fear couldn’t replace it for me, since, as a reader having read chapter one, I knew she was fine. I’m killing C1 dead. I’m still in the keep reading boat and I can’t wait till your next submission. There are enough story questions for me to keep reading at this point and most of my read-through comments are just things that popped out at me and stuck with me Thank you for so many insights and useful critique!

Hey Spieles, I am also enjoying this. My large comment is that this doesn't read as adult historical fantasy to me - but rather, clearly in the category of wonderfully dark middle grade. As Kammerite said, it's reminding me of BFG. With the nasty extended family, I'm getting clear Roald Dahl vibes. I’m glad you say that. That’s exactly what I want you to say. I’m shooting for a young audience, though I never let the words MG out of my mouth when I first submitted C1-3 because I wanted to see if the nature of the story conveyed and it didn’t fall into that category for people just because I said it was. I’m writing the book I wanted to read when I was ten. The first book I ever bought for myself (and I can say this now that the Snatcher ‘reveal’ has happened) was Gulliver’s Travels (kids version), and I remember begging my mom for 4 bucks so I could buy it from the school book fair. I read it so many times but was always disappointed that Gulliver didn’t do more stuff while he was in Lilliput. I want to read chapter 10 before I really have a reaction to 9. My one thought is that after Roamwald's anxiety in chapter 1 - there should be more tension about the fact that Jennie can't tell anyone. And then he can promise not to hurt anyone, etc. I’m going to rework some of 9 with the helpful feedback I’ve gotten this week, but I really think Chapter 10 is a mess. It’s 3 scenes strung together and I really need more alpha style edit than anything. As for Roamwald telling Jennie not to tell anyone—that’s a big no-no in my book. I’m working with a lot of archetypes and tropes in this kind of storyline and having him tell her not to tell anyone takes things into cliché zone (or more kindly ‘low hanging fruit’ zone) for me (imho). I can’t break away from the basic structure of the trope because the story is meant for a younger audience and it’s meant to be a simple story (though in many ways it’s really not). I am, however, going to give him some better dialogue that will hang a lampshade on that very idea, though, so that it both addresses your concern/expectation (as an insightful adult reader) but still keeps me from breaking a rule I’ve set for the character.You can definitely get away with that. The current exchange does characterize the mother, of course - so it depends on what you're planning on doing with her character later on. Though I could see the mother not saying anything because she's too strung out on her own issues. Oh good, I didn’t really want to give her much dialogue because she’s not central to the plot, more of an explanation with Theo’s characters as to how Helene’s turned out to be such a bratI think the tension might diffuse a little too early in the scene. I think you could make Roamwald uglier and scarier - and it would be GREAT. Right now he just seems glum and lonely whereas I think he'd be more flustered and wondering how the bejeezus he got himself in this situation. The walk home seem to drag the most for me. This is a fantastic insight that I hadn’t thought of. First off, your reaction and that of several others has sealed the deal for me as far as keeping or cutting C1 goes. With C1 in there, it not only affects the reading of C2 (which bothered me but put no nails in the coffin), but the way it affects things here is much more important. I can make Roamwald scarier, but not uglier. I’m not getting his reactions rights—someone else used the idea of flustered, and I’m going to rework that in better. I can’t make Roamwald a flat out monster because he’s not, and I’ve already written four other books and the entire rest of his species as being giants, not monsters... There's a repeating motif about actions vs. nature... My concerns though are this: cutting out c1 so there’s no previous insight into Roamwald’s thoughts, if I cut too much here, it will make his motives harder to guess (not necessarily a bad thing) and it might throw readers for a loop later…not sure. In any case, you’re right, I kill the tension in this sequence way too soon, and I’m going to fix that ASAP. It will kept the tension on the rise if I keep the reader's understanding closer to Jennie's. I'm curious about why her Uncle Theo's prosperity is so much greater than her father's - her uncle doesn't seem like the most industrious fellow. Is the land simply better? Here’s the inside story on this: Jane’s husband’s father was really the leader in putting together this expedition to escape east into the mountains. They were well-to-do before they got there, hence the house full of nicer things, and they had a lot of social pull with the rest of the townsfolk since forever. Theo has just inherited all these nice things, while Hanna went off and married Will, the son of a man that Hanna’s father didn’t care for (the father resembled Leon more than he resembled Will). She might not have gotten much of a dowry as a result, hence the difference. If it's worth the page space, I could put in a throwaway phrase to suggest this, maybe when they're bringing up old family spats, like the horse--especially since other readers mentioned they felt shortchanged that I didn't let the argument go on quite long enough. And Jennie is so curious, she'd just pry it out of her. This is a brilliant insight. I’ll work on that.I hope that helps! In so many ways!

Kammererite, … omission of Granny… That’s an interesting problem. I’ve gotten the opposite reaction with some other names, like Theo, where the reader thought I was beating them over the head with the relationship title if I used it too often. I’m not sure what to do. :S Graves: Why are there graves here and not on the planes. Shouldn't they have the year snatches on them. And if they left immediately why would there people be buried by the house, and not with the village folk. (Grandpa Teal i understand.) The markers are a mix of people actually buried there (people who died in the valley) and markers to remember the people who were caught. I could amend (LOST) to the year they got Snatched, but I think that’s complicating a small detail. The LOST is to say that they don’t know when the person died. I’m not sure what you mean by the last bit about being buried by the house not with the village folk? The only grave markers for people who were Snatched are all relatives of Jane’s, and it wasn’t uncommon for family’s to have personal graveyards. If you drive around central Texas, you can still see personal graveyards way out in flat pastures, though there are plenty of town graveyards, too, dating both before and/or after those. It just depends. Not sure I’m addressing your confusion, though. Boot falling off. This seams unlikely to me in this kind of time period. Where are her snow shoes? Snowshoes is a good point. I’m not sure about how to use/write them, though. I’ve always lived somewhere where if we get ½ inch of snow entire cities shut down… I struggle with the snow realism—I really do. I'm definitely getting a BFG flash back here. So far i am enjoying the story. I am still not sure what the plot/major conflict will be. I imagine it will have to do with an unlike friendship between Jennie and Roamwald but i am getting the feeling that it might be kicking of to late. i guess ill see in the next submission. In almost every submission, I’ve mentioned my concerns about pacing, and I guess that’s what I really mean by pacing here—I ask the reader to take several turns. The book starts off seeming suspenseful (once I take C1 back out) and with a realistic historical backdrop where the monster in the woods seems to be the problem, then we find out that the monster is not really a monster, and then… well, it seems like the major conflict would be Jennie’s friendship with the ‘monster’ figure according to expectations of this trope of a story…but…well, I’ll not say more for now because I want to see how it reads without preloading expectations. Thanks, Kammererite!

Please forgive me for not replying sooner--I'm still recovering from a stomach bug and meds that do a pretty good job making me drowsy. I hope to get back to work really soon!

I wanted so badly to reply to these tonight bx you guys gave me such useful, insightful feedback, but I went to an aerial yoga class that literally made me sick. I'm still a little nauseated and my cell is all I can handle look at if I don't scroll around. Thanks so much for so many thoufhts to chew on and I'll comment back soon!

Clay pot: that makes sense I suppose but I also thought of it as a poverty marker possibly rather than just a tech marker... If the hair becomes important then it's good that it distracted me because I'll remember it. Either way, I'm in for the ride!

Chapter 1 Thoughts: I like the narrative voice, like I mentioned last night (Ae and Iu were up for me and I needed to go bed!). The protagonist has a kind of attitude that's fun to read without it going over the top, playing off the ego with cynicism keeps him likeable. I like that kebab guy a lot, though I'm maybe wishing for some kind of set piece in here giving me an idea of the level of technology (doesn't need to be specific at all) just so that I'm not picturing it too much one way or the other and later feeling surprised if I didn't guess right. I wouldn't want any lengthy descriptions or anything like that at all. The pacing feels good for YA. On page 2-3 you use the word sarcastic/sarcasm seven times in eight paragraphs. That needs some tightening. I also like the idea that his ability to perform either healing/destructive magic is ariable with the strength of the moon that night. It's a fun idea, and I look forward to seeing what problems/advantages it gives the protag. I don't really understand his strange rituals for when he does/doesn't speak with hood being on/off. When I first read that bit about it being impolite to talk with the hood on toward the beginning, I was half-expecting him to not be human and require some sort of covering when he talks or something? It was just disorienting. The occasional mentions of the hair seem like you're targeting a lighter note with them, but they distract me, too, a little when I read. Chapter 2 Did you mean to repeat predator on page 9? The wording seems awkward. I hear a skid, and a howl. Comma splice--take it out. I’ll track down that moonwolf later, Didn't he just think it was darkwolf a minute ago? “It’s dangerous to go alone.” I say. “I’m not leaving you alone down here. You’re coming with me up the Spire.” It's dangerous to go alone...Take this! (Sorry couldn't help it) But more seriously, it doesn't make sense to Moons that she could get there so fast, but I'm still thinking it doesn't make sense that she went out there and wondering why he doesn't press that out of her before making her climb tower with him. Did I miss a detail? “We aren’t sure what the name means. Every Guardian knows about him. All we know is hat he is not to be trusted. Ever. How close is this man? Shouldn't Moons be whispering? I like the chemistry between the two, both through narration and dialogue. Hope that was useful and hope you submit more soon!

Hey Aero, Thanks for sharing! I read through this once, and I want to say off the top that I like your narrator. He's got some annoying quirks, like his ego, but they're annoying in a good way. I like it. I look forward to commenting more thoroughly tomorrow when it's not so late for me here!

Hey Spieles, This was pretty darn good. Except for a couple things, it felt really smooth to read and immersed me fairly quickly. I liked the present tense for YA, and the nature of the world and the immediacy of danger all the time with so much warring and bad atmosphere really feels amped up with present tense in use. Your use of imagery is generally pretty good, and there were only a couple places where it shoved me out of the story rather than draw me in. "It's not a battle cry... " etc. This dialogue felt unprompted and tossed me a bit when I saw it. “It’s not your fault you smell like sewage or that you look like a ghoul with that jellyfish on your face." This part jolted me from the narrative since it's a mixed metaphor and the last paragraph had already been referencing sea life Since you asked about pacing and action, you held me in the ride mostly, but I did drift into scanning around the bottom of page 4 and the bottom of page 8. I noticed that on purpose since I knew that was a concern you voiced. I'm not sure how I feel about the reveal of his ability to breathe exactly as it happens in text now. I'm sure you have your reasons, but the pacing felt a little bit odd right there, and I can't quite put my finger on in why it felt a little off to me. I like the idea of the Brides, although for some reason I'm having imagery from BioShock (a game I've never played) surface in my mind to supply me with pictures while I read some of this--probably the water-dystopia-strange gender role assignments common themes. I'm not suggesting anything, jsut mentioning that it called it to mind while reading the text. I would definitely read more of this book, but I think the heightened level of imagery might getting taxing as far as pacing goes over time if it keeps up like this, but we'll see!

The premise of this lovely. The idea of people trying to cope with all the idiosyncrasies that would come with living in a world full of fantastic creatures is treasure trove of generally unexploited material. I really like the interpreter for the siren and the whole debacle of getting a service that would offend a vampire with silver. That was brilliant. The unicorn on the road being a problem for folks threw me a bit, so I must have missed detail or lack some kind of background knowledge to catch that joke. The bit about the elves and their long histories causing insanely cumbersome titles was also a brilliant stroke. As far as dialogue tags go, I think I would have felt more comfortable without them if there were a little something more at the very beginning just to suggest the two character's relationship better--something to ground me in the identity's faster than figuring it out as I go. Reading the whole thing in dialogue made me feel like I was listening to Monty Python Flying Circus skit with the man looking for cheese but the clerk saying they haven't gotten for various reasons as the customer names a hundred of them and then ends with a bang. literally when Cleese pops the clerk with a gun. That how I felt your F-bomb falls at the end, but the punchline felt more abrupt than funny because every challenge in the narrative has changed rather than being a constant. I think others on the forum have already suggested some ideas about that, so I'm sure you'll take that up a notch and it'll end great. Thanks for sharing!