rdpulfer

- Can't remember what's new or not, but Oz's inexperience comes out in this chapter, which I really like. - Not sure about the awkward exchange with General Kreiger where she says she should answer her question, but didn't actually ask a question. It feels really odd, and it doesn't feel out of the ordinary for Oz to stay silent in this situation. - Overall, it reads a lot smoother. It's a little weird for me to re-read it so long after reading Chapter One, but I think the details are a lot stronger and smoother for the most part, even if some of the character interaction is a bit weird.

- Ohhh, I really like the part about preventing one's blood in someone else's hands . . . - Maranathe is an intriguing character. I like that we can't be sure if we can trust her or not, and you do a really good job of building up the tension around this, even as Lasila goes through the ceremony. - The conversation with Irahi was good, but I'm not sure it belongs in the same chapter as her interaction as Maranthe, but that may just be me.

- I liked the opening of the chapter, from what I presume is Lucifer's perspective. - I do like the details about the Archangel statues, what each of them did, etc. - Hellas still seems a bit of a cliche - a roguish outside with a scrappy, devil-may-care (literally) attitude and a tragic past. His character just hasn't grabbed me yet. - Although, okay, I did laugh a bit at the Huckleberry line. - I don't think it's enough to show why Hellas is tortured by the past battle. I think you need to show him being tortured by it, instead of telling the audience he doesn't know why he survived and his men didn't. That comes off as a bit trite, especially so early into the narrative. - The name Jessica really stands out amid ancient-world names. Not sure if this is what you intended. - Overall, I really do like the world that you've created it, and while I still have some problems with the characterization, I do want to see more.

- He's only been fighting for a month? I understand war is stressful for any duration, but a month seems like a relatively short period of time. Then again, maybe he was stationed somewhere else away from his family before the fighting began? I can understand him missing his family, but it seems like he's been at this a lot longer than a month. - There's a little too much telling about Kendayk and not enough showing. Think of ways to show how he cares for me, how they look up to him. One detail I do like is that he finds his men treat the injured just fine without him, showing he's not a micromanager. More interactions like, on a more personal level, can really boost the characterization. - I like his conversation with the old woman. This is also a good place to show his kindness. - This is a definite improvement. I did want to ask this question: not knowing anything about the shape of the story to come...do you absolutely need a prologue? It seems like a lot of elements in this story can be filtered into backstory and flashbacks as the story continues, especially with the tragic loss of his family. It's just a thought, but again, I don't know what you are going for. I would, however, like to read more. - Don't be discouraged by all the critiques. I had a ton of notes for my novel "Scholomancer". Like Robinski said, the important thing is to keep going.

- This could be splitting hairs, but I always think of a turbine as part of a machine instead of the complete machine. - I like that water actually has brands and level of filtration. That's a neat world touch, and a perfectly realistic one too. It also serves to show the Professor seems to have some financial wealth. - I also like that Moth doesn't like conning nice people. It reflects a certain degree of moral compass. - I agree the profanity feels a bit out of place. I know it makes her a more rough character, but when it is only used sparingly, it's a bit jarring. - I'm intrigued by Professor Robot. Not sure how much you could do with his mode of conversation, but I'd definitely like to see more. I could see it feeling gimmicky if over done, so I'd really like to see him react with the other two characters.

- I really like all of your observations on Illuya - the way she digs her nails into Lasila's back, the way she snorts at a comment. It's a really observant way to characterize her with the smallest of actions and routine conversation. - "Unlike her companion, she was masked, and unlike the masks Lasilla'd seen this evening . . . " the possessive on Lasilla doesn't seem correct and it looks really awkward. - "Just as well;" I don't think this works, since "Just as well" isn't a complete thought. - Nice to hear more about magic in this world. - Interested to see where this is all going. Keep up the good work!

- Lucifer feels pretty standard, but I do like the idea that he is working for someone or something else, in this case Abaddon. - Their conversation feels a bit trite . . . humans are worthless, join me, so on and so forth. I do like using Constantinople as a setting for this scene though. - I'm not sure I buy that Hellas knew of Lucifer's plans for months. Even if it was his word against Lucifer's, it seems weird Hellas would sit on this information for months knowing a coup was imminent. - I like the battle with Lucifer, but it does feel like an awful lot happens in one prologue. It might be better to save some of this for later unless it's absolutely critical to the plot.

- It feels like there is a lot going on in the first passage, and towards the end, it feels like a lot of summary. I'm not sure if this tactic will grab the reader or not, mostly because it feels very generic at the start. - I love the first line of the second passage. - A lot of the dialogue feels very "maid-and-butler" - it's showing the plot, not the character. - Overall, this feels like a lot of summarizing to me. However, I am interested to know more about the characters and the direction of the story, but I feel we get so little of each in this opening, and telling more than anything else.

- It does feel a little suspicious that Prot's asking so many questions right at the top of the transaction. I think that might tell the antagonists something is up. It might be better if he fit it into his conversation somehow. - I like subtle way the action kicks off with the firefight, with more sound rather than visual cues in the scene. - Still having trouble following Yaltulnath's motivation - it feels too ideological rather than personal. - I generally like the conclusion. I could tell Amra's fertility would probably be the price they paid - it just made sense given that's what they wanted. I like the stinger for future adventures, but I'm not sure I like Prot dumping a request to adopt on Amra - does she even know what's happened to her at this point? It feels like a rushed conclusion for the characters .

Honestly, I'm not sure if this prologue is all that necessary. All of the relevant information - about the world itself - would be better served it was shown instead of told, and there's not a lot of suspense otherwise. We know something bad is going to happen Kendaryk's family from the get-go, so the last image isn't that powerful. It might be better to weave this into a flashback, especially if it explains how Kendaryk reacts to the war going forward after this tragedy.

I'm glad I could help. I'm presently stumbling through a young adult book right now. I hope to post it in a couple months or so, after I figure out the shape of the plot and a couple other things

Sorry I'm late to the party! I hope it's not too late to add some feedback. I don't have too much to add, just my two-cents. - I liked the explanation of Magdi's back-story and connection to Harth. I'd honestly like to see more of their backstory both together and apart, but I understand it's not necessarily crucial to the story. - I believe it was in the previous incarnation (though I could be wrong) but I liked Harth's conversation about Fernald concerning Cresca's passing. - I liked the ending. It was definitely a lot more optimistic and felt just a little more in keeping with the overall story (that said, I did like the previous ending too, so make of that what you will.)

- I like the computer responding to Oz's half-hearted "I feel threatened". - "Parallel your hands" sounds a bit awkward, but that could just be m. - I like the building suspense of Calgary's condition. - Oz's conversation with Dion and Hayden ends pretty abruptly, even with the circumstances. - I like Pascal and Oz's banter. - Overall, I found this chapter pretty engaging. I like the suspense of the story, and I'm really curious where this is all going.

- The first line feels a bit awkward, particularly with "they knew their cordials." - Could be Weekly Reader Syndrome, but I don't remember the POV changing much previously, and it feels a little weird to be focused so exclusively on Lasila, only to go briefly to Savae. - I really like Lasila's opening thoughts about this being a terrible idea, much better than the opening line of the chapter. - I like Lasila's interaction with the courtesans as well as Eshrin, especially when they hear she's alone. - Overall, I liked all the description. I'm glad the story is starting to move faster now.

- If the lion statue is almost featureless, how do they know it is in fact a lion? It might need more description. - I really like your description, in particular how the wizard bobbed along in the crowd like a cork. - The dialogue feels a little too long in certain spaces - mostly from the wizard, but even from the main character. It needs to be broken up more, I think. - It also feels like the attempted robbery comes out of nowhere - it might need to be foreshadowed earlier. - I think you have some description. It just feels like the story and execution need to be ironed out.

- I really like this setting, with the diverse alien races and "songs". - A little confused why the Colonel assumes the main character will be "well-paid" for delivering medical supplies. I get that he's angling for more money, but the assumption feels out-of-place. Are most humanitarian missions ripe with cash? - Would like to see more interaction with the rest of the characters - it feels like the Colonel, as interesting as he is, is still hogging a lot of the interaction. - I like the moral dilemma, but I think more needs to be made of him and Amara's plans to start a family beforehand to help root in the decision. - Overall, this is a very strong section.

- "A mistake made in private is no mistake at all." I really like this line. - Regarding her enchanted gown - I'm picking up after missing a couple chapters, but are these enchantments common? I imagine they are if they are easy to do. I know this is clearly a fantasy setting, but I don't recall seeing much magic in the every day life in the chapters I read, so it might be something to consider spotlighting a little more often. - Love Lasila and Eshrin's interaction, and Lasila's witty responses. - I like the last line especially.

Hey Alias! - The first paragraph seems way too long. You probably want to break it up into smaller paragraphs. - "As if in challenge. Like a foretelling." This seems a bit too unconnected and interrupted the pace, and there's a couple spots the aside from the character's thoughts break the pace. - "It was through the door where Dead was headed". This sounds a bit passive. - Great action scenes. I really like your description and pacing, but I'd make sure you don't have any extra words clogging up the proceedings.

Nice to read this story again. I liked the first incarnation and I'm curious to see what changes you made. - I really like the way Harth smarts off to the gray man in the opening, but I feel like it ceases too quickly. I know he is despondent over more fighting, but the switch seems too quick, and it feels like he agrees a little too quickly. - On page eighteen, I think it should be "Dismissed!" instead of "Dismiss!" Overall, I thought this was a solid story before the revisions, and it feels even more taunt now. I can't wait to see how it ends

Thanks Chaos! Everything is working again!

- You can probably lose the line about Lasila being demure by nature - this is something better shown to the audience via her actions and reasoning for her wardrobe rather directly told to them. - Make sure you bring the backstory of the Sleeping God and his lady through Lasila's eyes - this will make it feel less like an infodump. - I do really like Lasila, and how her personality contrasts her traditional settings. - i think you do a good job of setting up the financial situation - it seems realistic given her station yet gives her enough motivation to get involved. - I'm definitely interested to see what happens next, especially if the pacing improves in future chapters.

- The first line strikes me as a bit too long - you could probably cut it down to the city-spires rising out of the ocean were an impressive sight. Otherwise, it buries the lead. - Atramancer, questor, lictor. There's a lot of terms being floated around, and it feels like only the first is loosely defined. You may want to consider pacing your world-building in this section. - Why does Laurea ask Janus' name again, when he's already given her his first name? - I like Laurea's interaction with Probitus the best so far. - It's an interesting world and I want to see more of it. I do think some terms need to be more easily defined, but I do want to read more of this.

- One thing I like about this universe is the diverse amounts of aliens that populate it. Does Amara's skin darken and hair lighten as a result of her biology, or is this just how it looks in the sunlight? You might want to clarify what race your characters earlier on. - In keeping with the previous remark, I really like the motley crew assembled around the spices. - I like that you have characters who need to distinguish between having a tail and being tailed. - You compare some aliens to gargoyles twice in the section - once in the beginning and once on page 15. It feels a bit redundant. - Overall, I like it. My only complaint is there's a lot of dialogue for not too much action. But the characters work for me. Amara isn't too whiney - she reads as someone with a lot of book smart but not street smart.

- I just remembered there was one submission i didn't get to. Sorry for the delay! - I get why Kang wants to rescue Lumi, but I don't know we have a strong enough reason why Kang is going to risk breaking into prison other than what Lumi told him, especially since it's likely Lumi will be cleared in a couple of days. I think Kang needs enough motivation before he tries sneaking into a prison to see her. - Walking the bear? Corrupted man? It really feels like we should have seen this instead of being told. - Nice escalation in the end . . . I'm really curious to see where this is all going, especially after the perpetrator just up and kills himself.

- I'm a little confused what "age of majority" means. Did you mean maturity? Or am I just missing something here. - I like the interaction as Laslia enters the temple, and how her circumstances complicates her interaction with the priestesses. - Overall, I liked this section and I continue to like the character, but I feel like the chapter may be moving at too languid a pace. It might help if the character gets to the temple sooner, or perhaps, there is just less description overall.