rdpulfer

- Mythology nitpit - Venus is the Roman appropriation of Aphrodite, so is it redundant to have two planets named after the Greco-Roman goddess of beauty? - Another Greek name - Apollo? Seems a little out of place, but maybe it will be explained later. - The main character's name is Jason . . . noticing a pattern here. - I am liking the time jump element though. - The two segments feel slightly disconnected. I would have liked to have seen more mention of Rose in the preceding section. Overall though, I thought it was a good story.

- I like the line about remarkable soundproofing. - The scene with the goddess is good, but it seems to drag a bit. Maybe less ritual is needed? - I also really like the latest development with Savae. Looking forward to see what happens next.

- The first line is a little bit redundant and confusing - Moth's reaction to Quirk's collapse is pretty awesome. - And I also like the android interjecting himself whenever he feels Quirk might fall again. - The revelation that Quirk's poisoning is definitely moving the plot along. - The Scarlet O'Hara/Scarlet Johanssen line worked for. - Really looking forward to what happens next - the characters and intrigue are really working.

I briefly considered writing my thoughts for this chapter in entirely "some-what-it's", but I thought that might seem a bit too passive-aggressive (or maybe I'll just wait until I review something of IndustrialDragon, since he pointed it out.) - Isn't unnerving kind of exciting on some level? - Watch out for mixed sensory notes, like "The girl's repeated warm breath left Petro cringing. Does she have to be so loud?" Warm should probably be replaced with something like "heavy" or 'erratic". - The action scenes generally work, and so does the pacing. - Pretty good ending. I'm curious to see what's next.

Thanks kaisa! That really helps!

- I had a little trouble telling if the first line was in the past or the present. I figured it out eventually, but since he was remembering, I was momentarily confused. - Some of the back-and-forth between Sorin and Rahad feels a little too long in places, but mostly just because there is too much description in between them. I'd rather their reply and rebuttal be sharper and more quickly delivered. - Otherwise, I really like the scene - Sorin's suspenseful rescue of Rahad and dissing his offer later. Nice touch.

Thanks Mandamon and IndustrialistDragon. It's a third draft, so it could probably be tightened up in a few places. I'm also going to rework Chuck a bit. I've heard that the ending is servicable - any specific ideas how to improve it?

- I like the description of his contained anxiety - his heart is beating faster, yet he can't seem to care. - "Good for anxiety, not so much for the first time in an alien world". It probably should be on an alien world. Not sure if this is the right phase though - it's not specific enough to the situation. - The description of his muted anxiety is working much better this time around. - I like the world-building in this chapter, and the subtle translation of "disturbance" to "distaste". Curious to see what happens next.

Thanks for the feedback, Ernei.Sounds like I need to tone down that character's stupidity and up his competence.

Hello everyone, This is my latest short story - "The Necro Bug". It's a zombie story without blood, gore, and hardly any zombies. Any and all feedback is welcome!

**sheepishly** might there be any room for me on the 12th?

- Clearly Quirk does more about Moth's parents, so saying "Nothing" after his jab doesn't really feel convincing or fitting. - It's a really small thing, but I really like "Famebook" as a FB substitute. - I really do like Quirk and Moth's back-and-forth. - I am also excited by the group so far - Quirk, Moth and a robot. Really curious to see where this is going.

- I love Sam's response to space ships - and Origon's brief response. - I also like their response to Sam's stories of their world . . . as equally unbelievable as magic is to Sam. - I also like that the magic is treated like anxiety meds for Sam - a temporary solution. - Overall, I like this chapter. I really like how Origon dismisses Sam's stories, and the tension between Origon and Rilan.

- I like the image of Laurea bonding down the gangway from the ship. I've felt that before! - And I really like her pulling rank on the Lictor. It's a good character-building moment. - And I also like her interaction with Celeatian. - A strong chapter. One minor note - I'd rather Laurera outright refuse Celetaian's dinner offer instead of saying she'd think about it. It could add the tension between the characters, but those are just my two cents.

Sorry for the pronoun mix-up - chalk it up to weekly reader syndrome I think it's correct that the tension suffers since the guards themselves aren't threatening - which does make this since these are the much more professional, genuine article. But the threat could take another form, like the possibility they won't help Sorin in some way, or perhaps just send him on his way altogether.

- I liked the visual distinction between the Queenguards and the pretenders. - I also liked that you spell out what Sorin is trying to accomplish here. - I liked the suspense of the chapter. You really do well establishing why Sorin definitely needs help, and what obstacles or standing in her way. - That said, I didn't feel she was in any danger with the Queenguard, even when they were questioning her - it felt like an improvement of her current status. The Queenguard might need to be a little more harsher to build up the tension.

- I like Quirk's response to someone touching his suit - especially in such a routine gesture. - And I also love his rationale about the possibility of having children. - Oooh, I really like the situation Quirk finds himself in, as an extremely well-paid babysitter. - I have no notes, save that I really really want to see what happens next.

- Why is he thinking about "farm" and "fence"? Are these things he's simply seeing during his training? But why he is looking at them instead of his uncle? I didn't really make sense to me. - This is a Weekly Reader Syndrome, but it took me a while to realize Landon was his uncle until you called him "Uncle Landon" - you might want to lead with that instead of using both interchangeably. - Overall, I like the pacing and world-building. I'm curious where this is going.

But who is going want to eat 7000 year old yogurt? That sounds gross.

- This is a great way to start a chapter. - "Not so with a real Queensguard." - I really like the repetition of "This wasn't me." It's very effective at raising the emotional stakes. - And wow, what a way to end a chapter. - This is a really strong entry. A lot happens, but it definitely moves the character a long while twisting the knife a bit. Can't wait to see what happens next.

I get that, but yogurt, as a food, seems a little too . . . Earth-like. I can see them having dairy byproducts like cheese and cream, but yogurt is hard for me to picture. But I know I'm probably nitpicking on this one.

- Interesting break from Sam and Origion's story. - They have yogurt in this world? It just wasn't a food I was expecting to see. - I like Sam searching for Earth, and Cryrisis's responses. I particularly like that eight is apparently a good number of planets. - I also really, really like the last line about Sam being forgetting his home. That particularly ups the stakes in a subtle, emotional way.

- The police woman being surprised by Quirk's retort doesn't work for me. I think she would be more angry than surprised. - That said, I do like Quirk's snark in this situation. - The bit 65 days earlier is a bit confusing. I didn't really see the point to it. Feels a bit incomplete. - The scene with Grimes and Toni was really well-done. - Can't wait to see what happens next.

- Might want to explain how the tram platform reminded Sam of the 19th century. How so? What specifically brought that mind? - I like the world-building, especially how the Imperialium "feels" easy to navigate. - I like where this is going, especially with Origon having to take on Sam as an apprentice. - I really enjoyed the world-building - hope to see what Origon's apartment is like - and how Sam settles into his new digs.

- I really like the beginning with Illuya and Lasila dancing while conversing - the present tense really works here, and the dialogue flows really well. - The acolytes' entrance is a little strange. It makes the transition from Illuya and Lasila's scene together to what follows a little jarring. - Overall, I liked the intrigue. I think it could have been probably split in two chapters - starting from when the acolyte summons Lasila, but for the most part, it works for me.