rdpulfer

- In the gee-wiz exercise, the ones actually written in the main character's mind sound the best. The ones written as a monologue feel a little too stilted, like the main character is speaking in a news interview instead of naturally. - As per usual, Moth's stands out as the best. - I liked the bribery element of the other dialogue. The only thing that seemed a little out of place is that Toni didn't seem quite as intimidating as either his stature or his status would allow.

If you wouldn't mind. I'm trying to get it all polished for submissions. Well, thanks for reading regardless!

@ kaisa - Thanks a lot! I appreciate the typos - that's what I really need to clear up. I'm thinking about adding some more female characters, if I can make it fit into the overall narrative. @ Ernnei - Thanks for your opinion all the same. Was there anything in the main character's personality or actions that made him hard to emphasize with?

Hello all, This is the revised version of "The Big L". I've rewritten it as present tense (by popular demand). Specifically I'd like to know any places you seen past/present tense confusion. This is my first time writing something present tense, much less rewriting something as present tense. Of course, I'd welcome any other comments to strengthen this piece. Thanks, Richard

- I like the subtle ways you characterize Aurem's relationship not just with the Elder but also Telethas, especially how "he talks first. He always talks first." - I also the build of crimes . . . stealing, domestic abuse, endangering the lives of others...all to the cardinal crime . . . magic. It's a nice switch. - What does a "don't listen to him" look . . . look like? - I also like that all the characters are so young . . . but I wonder if this information should have been brought up earlier. - Overall, it's interesting. I want definitely want to read more, but I also want something to pick up to grab my attention too.

- Okay, I'm a movie nerd, so I know who Brian Cox is. Not sure other readers would, especially in the same sentence as Morgan Freeman and Anthony Hopkins (though both Cox and Hopkins have been Hannibal Lecter). - Though I do like the bit about pop culture references. - I did like the ending of the first segment . . . that the whole thing was just a test to begin with. The abrupt shutting down of the android as he pleads for upgrades with money he apparently doesn't have is interesting . . . might be something there. - I like the line "Earth does have the prettiest curves I've ever seen." Its a cool idea - to see the world from a vastly different perspective. - Quirk's sadness comes out of nowhere. I'm guessing it's because of his lack of family ties, but it feels out of place, if only because it's short on any specific loss or regret. - As always, Moth is awesome. - I like her lines about nuns wearing black because it's slimming. - And I really wanted to see what happened next!

- I'm kinda surprised they still hand-deliver messages, especially ones of great strategic importance. - Silvanius strikes me as too one-note from his first line. You know he's a bad guy . . so you don't really care. I think with an anti-villain, you have to create a character the readers care, or at least, are interested in. Silvanius doesn't do that for me. - I like the idea of the remembrancer, but the hostility again seems out of left field and even a bit over-the-top. - Overall, I like the setting, and I want to like the characters, but a lot of the rivalries between the characters seem too one-dimensional at this point.

Can I also throw my hat for next week? I'm rewriting "The Big L" in present tense and I just realized it might be good to get a few eyes on the rewrite.

- Okay, I like the opening line. It sounds a bit too much like a werewolf, but it definitely has my attention. - I really like your opening right in the thick of things, but I'm a little surprised Kazer was unaware all of his men were dead. - Tess going back to her jovial self seems a bit odd, given all the horror around them. - I really liked the action . . . and the reveal . . . and the ending. - That said, I never really felt like I could get into the story. It felt like I turned on a really great horror movie halfway into it. The pacing is excellent, but I could have used a bit more details on the setting and the characters.

- I know comparisons to the old aren't particularly helpful, but I like that we go right to Savae in the second chapter. It seems to be the old narrative waited a while to get their perspective and it didn't work as well. - I really liked Save's interaction with Varael. It just seemed to flow very well and made it really interesting to watch Savae's reactions and reasons. - Wow, was not expected that last line . . . really, really curious to see where this is going.

Welcome to Reading Excuses! - My overall feeling on prologues is they aren't necessary unless they help establish the plot in an interesting way. I'm a bit concerned this might just be tragic backstory, but I'm only going of generalizations and could be completely wrong. - I do like the description of the action, as well as the desperation in Elias. - Overall, I did like the action, but I felt that's all it was. Action. There's wasn't much context to anything this going. I am curious where this is going, but I feel as the introduction to a narrative, there's not much to go on.

- Maybe it's just me, but "sorry group of misfits" sounds a bit cliche, kinda like "rag-tag group of rebels". Again, this could just be me. - I understand PTSD causes you to re-experience, but I don't think it causes you lose consciousness. - The PTSD episode also fills a little too much like telling. I think it might be more realistic if Atena encountered things which triggered brief, intense flashbacks to the sights and sounds of that day. This could also draw out suspense as to what exactly happened.

- I don't know if I've read the first chapter or not, but I like the combination of commercial setting - stores, hotels, etc and fantasy. Curious to see more. That said, I have trouble getting a sense of the setting in the first couple pages. - The exchange between Riley and her mother is good, but it feels like an awful lot to be said in what's still a high-stress situation. - I also really like the line kidnapping fundraiser. - I did kinda want more interaction between Reginald and the king, and some more sense about what he was going to do.

So far you've mentioned that Sira is afraid of how her grandfather looks, but are there other aspects of his character that would annoy and/or frustrate Sira? Maybe he breezes funny because of the accident. Maybe he has to eat special food which smells or tastes funny. Maybe he talks different or has developed quirks and habits that really get under Sira's skin. This could booster your description while also showing that Sira doesn't take her grandfather's obvious suffering into account yet.

No problem - and I totally agree - revisions are annoying.

- The opening line is really, really chilling, but it seems a bit weird we don't actually see Pascal get her tattoos . . . it just says "where it was over". I kinda wanted to see more of that ceremony - it seemed so twisted, it seemed frustrating to cut away. - Channing’s brow hikes. “Oh, good luck.” I nod, even though nothing about this feels lucky. - This doesn't really work, since being "lucky" and wishing someone "good luck" are two ultimately different things. - Brick is awesome. - As I said I think last week, I really like this world, and I think the characters are generally working. It just needs some strengthening here and there.

- "The euphoria of discovery made her blind to fear, and the golden fabric in her arms warmed her." - this sentence feels weird. The two thoughts don't seem connected, and I think the first part is telling a bit too much rather than showing. - I really like the image of her "inchworm crawl". - The exchange with her grandfather seems a bit odd, since she walks to her room without giving her grandfather any chance to answer her before shutting the door. - I really am curious what the deal with the costume is. Good job building that up. - The bit about Sira's mother finding no humor in during her visit to Grandpa's is also weird, because it's not supposed to be funny (at least to Sira). It doesn't quite fit with what's going on and left me a bit confused about the situation.

- I also like the discussion of the goddess' death and the world-building present. - I'm not sure I like her as a lawyer. It doesn't quite fit with this society, and feels a little too ... hammy perhaps given the rest of the book? - Maybe it's because she's part of the merchant class, so it seems odd she'd have much power against Senators and higher classes in this setting. - I do like the pacing of the chapter - it seems to flow from one situation to the next.

- The moment where Pascal learns about Oz and Hayden is will done. - Kinda curious why Channing has to be there when Dion drops the bomb to Pascal. It seems weird that he's just . . . there. - I like the way the stakes are slowly raising . . . the Rex have Eleanor, are trying to make female Rex, and Oz will meet Hayden's father. I'm really curious to see where this goes.

- Lehay's lack of response to Hayden falls a bit flat. I wanted some kind of acknowledgement there. - "That's just awesome coming from someone who's supposed to be Hayden's parent." The last part of this line falls a bit flat, like it isn't specific enough. - Why would Pascal's aunt want Oz to call her "Liz" if she thought he'd just been arrested? It seems a bit odd she'd insist on being so formal to someone who might pose a bad influence to her niece - I do really like this world and the characters within it. I really want to see more of it. .

- The opening part with Savae was interesting in terms of developing the world, but I wasn't as engaged with the character as I am with Lasila. - I liked Lasila's sections a bit more because she seems so grounded, and we have a clear picture of what she wants and why she wants it. I also liked that her questions build up the intrigue without the narrative. - The line about public urination falls a bit flat, especially when the previous line mentions vomiting. - Varael's swearing seems a little out of place, but should be because we've seen only the upper echelons of this world thus far. - Overall, a good section. Some of it was more exciting that others, but I'm curious to see where this goes.

Welcome aboard! - i really liked the opening paragraph. The cloud's clown shape is pretty specific, but I'm having a bit of trouble picturing it. You might need to explain how it resembles that so perfectly just a little middle. - I get that Sira is just pretending, but the lack of quotation marks did kind of throw me. - The last line of the chapter feels a bit underwhelming. I feel like it might work at the end of a section, but not a chapter, and it definitely not the first chapter. It needs to be more attention-grabbing. - The line about her single mother seems out of place in the second chapter. I'd like to know more about her mother, but this feels more of an excuse why she has an interactive imagination. - I like the character's imagination, but the paces feels a bit too slow. I think you need to get to the crux of the story very soon, and four chapters probably won't work for most middle schoolers.

- I really liked the opening pages for Grimes, especially the line "Home is where he buried his wife." It really makes you sympathize with the character. - The cop with a toothpick in his mouth also seems like a cliche (I suppose it would be too on the nose if he had a lollipop). You might want to also mention it on the passage on cliches of the policemen. - I really liked the how passage with Grimes, especially having read the previous passage on Moth. There was a lot of suspense on Moth's plans in that section, while still caring for what Grimes was going through. - The conversation with the donna seems a little too quick and breezy for my tastes. - Moth, as always, is awesome . . . but now I really want to know what the spoiler is!

- "And that little enchantment to her dress was just what she needed." This felt a little out of place. It made me a little confused with regards to the rest of the passage. (Could be Weekly Reader Syndrome.) - The birth of the goddess is really intriguing. I like the effect the god's speaking has on the people in the room. - Very curious where this is going, especially with the identity of the brother god. I really want to see more now!

- I really still like the back-talking from Brick. - The painting you've described at the beginning of the page break seems way too complex to be a painting - there's too much implied motion. - "Calgary from my trading post." seems a bit awkward. - I like the action between Calgary, Oz and Hayden - and the reveal at the end. - it's been a while since I've read a recent chapter, but I am really excited about the direction of this story.