rdpulfer

- The opening goes into the murders too quickly - it doesn't give much time for the reader to get their bearings or describe the scenes. - I like the note about paint, since gloves are a luxury. - "...never had a chance." feels a bit like a crime scene cliche, at least to me. - Overall, I do like the setting and the set-up - I think it just needs to be re-arranged a bit to show a little more substance in between the spaces.

- I liked Moth's interactions with Grimes, and especially how it shows how she plays people. - What's a "talking contest" look like? You might want to expand upon this. - Not sure if I buy Moth being angry at Grimes for not learning her name after she used a throwaway line she herself admits usually works. Maybe she's angry Grimes didn't pry more? - Very interested to see where this is going next. I like this character and world a lot.

- Really looking forward to reading this from Origon's perspective. I really like the character so I'm curious how he'll react to Sam. - I know Sam is in shock, but I'd like to see him interject more into the conversation , if only to see Origon react. - "I'm a psychologist," Rilian said. Origon grunted. He had just said that." - I love that note from Origon. - I really like the first part of this section. It's really cool to see the world-building from someone who is used to that world, rather than someone like Sam, who is learning about it the first time. Plus I'm curious to see the Song's effect on Sam going forward. - I was hoping the Song would have a more profound effect on Sam's personality, even if it was temporary. It seems like it just pushes the anxiety into the back of his mind which was . . . kind of anticlimatic to me. But maybe that's just me. - Overall, I really like this pairing of characters and definitely want to see more.

- Moth is awesome. - I love the line, "There has to be an easier way to be a gangster." - I like the last exchange, but I was a little confused when she said "It might help if you let Him..." since she also said "It's an it", referring to the android. It's a great dialogue, it just needs a little clarifying. - Overall, I really like these characters, and I'm excited to see where this is going.

Okay, Morgan Freeman and Anthony Hopkins I can certainly see, for movies like "The Shawshank Redemption" and "Silence of the Lambs", which has made an unmistakable impact on the cultural landscape. But Brian Cox? I'm not so sure (even if he was the original Hannibal Lecter). It's tough to see a Bourne sequel in the same vein as the previous films, much less "Captain Blood" and "Mutiny on the Bounty".

- Would people still be discussing actors like Morgan Freeman and Brian Cox in 2099? I like that they call it out, but it feels a bit jarring and nonsensical at first. - I really like Quirk's interaction with the donna. - It's nice to see these characters and settings again. I'm really curious where this is going. - Overall, it's a good first start. I'm just waiting to see what's going to kick off this whole story.

- I like the new starts of the chapter. It feels a little more vague about what the main character will find in the story. - It may be weekly reader syndrome, but I felt the description of the Kirian was a little more solid this time around. - I also liked that he grieves for Aunt Martha in the end. The previous version, I think, seemed to make her fate sort of undetermined. - Looking forward to reading more!

- I love the first line of this chapter. - And on a very giddy, basic level, I like the line "You can play with my dreams later!" It's very whimsical, but at the same time, very mundane. Good job! - I really, really like this chapter. There's a lot of emotion behind it but also a lot of development. I especially like how the framing of the first and final line of the chapter. Overall, great work!

- Would someone with agoraphobia feel light and feel when he realized he was outside? I would think that would cause instant panic. - Having read the previous story, it's cool to see Origon again, especially intersecting with someone from our world. - I like Origon and Sam's interaction, and the way Sam challenges him from time to time. - There's a lot of world-building, but I like this setting and this character, so I'm definitely interested in seeing where this goes.

- I think you do a good job centering on Charlotte's situation - her family history, her fight with cancer, her outlook. - I remember reading this before, and I think have the same hang-up on why she tries to run to Dr. Golan instead of dialing 911. She seems almost compelled to do so, and it still doesn't make sense why she did this of all things. - I like the ending, but I still think it needs a little more build-up. Why does she choose to accept her death over the alternative? It doesn't feel like this is particularly earned - Charlotte doesn't really grow over the story - throughout the whole story she seems resigned to her fate, so her actions don't really surprise us in the end.

- I'm not sure I like the epigraph, because it starts out on Charleston. I think this might hang a lampshade on the magical elements a little too strongly for my taste. It might be better to start without the epigraph altogether. - I like the interactions between Sam and his aunt (or great-aunt) Martha. Both characters seem really well-developed. - Okay, I'm hooked. I definitely want to see more, and I'm really liking Sam's personal struggles against whatever is causing this.

Chapter 8 - The interaction between Savae and Kathalania is much improved - it feels more petty and passive-aggressive then outright abusive. Chapter 9 - I also like the rising stakes for Lasila as she believes her brother is never coming back. One possible issue - this may be Weekly Reader Syndrome - but I couldn't remember if this was addressed in earlier chapter, or if it was shuffled to the side too much. Her relationship with her brother might need to be a bigger deal. As it stands, I remember a couple fleeting scenes with him but not enough to hint at the emotional stakes. - That said, I do like their interaction throughout this scene. - And I particularly like the last line of the chapter.

- It's a little weird she'd be called a whore for wearing chainmail. I think that's where the metaphor starts to fall apart. - Is it because she's wearing the mark of her oppressors? That may need to be explained more. - Okay, her mother's words make sense later on, but the issue is they are confusing from the beginning. She's seen as a collaborator, so maybe something more along those lines? - That said, I do like how she deals with the boy. - The first person POV shift feels really jarring in the end. I liked it when it felt a little more focused on Lyan's perspective, rather than having another character tell me what Lyan was like.

- I like how the opening goes right from the excerpt in the book to their conversation. Nicely done! - I really like the interplay between Silla and Lothurn, as I have said before. I particularly like the tension in their interaction. It feels realistic without beating you over the head with it. - "The world isn't worse enough." This line seems a little too vague. I think it could be a bit more concrete. - I like the ending. Definitely want to see where this goes from here.

- I like Lothurn's observation about the youth of the Frigid. It's just seemed like an interesting aside for a character to make. - "And yet, the townsfolk were eager to shift from misery to gratitude. They showered him with money and supplies while tending to their wounded and terrified, as if unsure of their priorities. They were locked between celebration and recovery." I really like this passage. I'm curious if this is how people normally react in this world. I'm a not a big fan of him just slipping away though. It feels a bit cliche, and perhaps even unnecessary. - I like Lothurn and Silla's dialogue during their first meeting. - The next chapter is good too, but the last line is a little too maid-and-butler-ish. Instead of saying they will go tell someone, it's probably better to actually show them telling someone their findings with the toxic slime.

- "She hopes that they do not understand that they are not." A bit confusing. Took me a couple of times to get it. - I do like the discussion of the language and the complexity of masculine and feminine usage. Takes me back to Portuguese class in college - Had a little trouble with the setting. This is some sort of prison - at least the main character thinks so - but they serve tea? Again, I had reread it a couple times for details I might have missed. - It's an interesting start. I certainly want to know more!

- The phrase "seductively familiar" isn't ringing true. Till's thoughts seems too scrambled, and while it's an interesting idea, it doesn't seem cohesive enough in the first paragraph. Why does what's left of the dress shop seem both seductive and yet familiar? - The rest of it reads really good. I like the flow of the description, and the characterization of Till and Surr as they are described and interact. - Definitely curious what the Word entails. - "They had never spoken. He supposed that wouldn’t change because there are some things that just don’t." Feels a little bit redundant. It could have just as simply been 'They have never spoken'. Also feels a bit disappointed since the previous sentences implies they had some shared history. - So far I'm liking this story. It has a nice noir vibe to it, with kind of a Clive Barker feel maybe? But that could be just me. - "Because they were none of them those things in truth." I would cut this line, because the detail about even his tattoo twitching is enough. - I like this story a lot. The tone is really, really good. I'm curious what's involved in the auditing, who all of Till's colleagues are, everything about it is really, really intriguing. There's some formatting that needs to be done and probably some prose that needs reworked, but overall, it's a very enjoyable start. Good work!

Congratulations. I'm sorry to hear about all the scary stuff, but I'm glad things are going well now!

- I like the description of Ellis using his gauntlets. - Cornias' entry feels very . . . random. Like he's just there and gone. - I feel like we should actually hear Sofia talk about twins being opposites rather than Ellis tell us about her saying that. It feels a little bit like cheating. - A lot of the dialogue feels very expository, especially during the conversation with Rima. - Ellis' lack of concern with the nurse's revelation is also out of place. - Overall, it's certainly a fun world, but it's one where I'm still getting my bearing.

- I like how her assistant has already scurried off, and Savae remarks the girl has potential because of this. It's just a really nice transition/observation. - You had me at "commissioning a human". - I agree with Vreech - "Its her husband, and she's buying for her husband came off as a little clunky redundant. - I actually liked this chapter a lot. I liked the interplay between Savae and Kathalana. I didn't really have many notes beyond some grammatical errors. \

- I do like the tension between Makyn and Lillian in the beginning. It makes me very curious how they will interact in the future. - A "flying autowagon" sounds a little too much like a flying car. I'd find a better term. - The dialogue between Stephain and Lillian isn't working for me for some reason. I know they are supposed to be from another race, but all their conversations about ideology and the nature of the humanity feel a little too lofty and on-the-nose. - I am liking this story more and more with every chapter, especially with the introduction and interaction between Stephain and Lillian. I'm curious where this goes.

Maid-and-butler dialogue is where you have two characters infodump via dialogue. It gets it's name from when old plays would use the maid and butler conversing to fill the audience on what had been happening. If it's overused, it can feel too stale and stilted.

- The beginning is a little maid-and-butler-y, at least in my opinion. - The quip about Fyor's meditation doesn't really go anywhere. - Okay, I do like the revelation that the admiral is Seyn's mother and the resulting banter. - After the admiral blows the building, there is very little view of the aftermath. We only see the admiral barking orders. It's a bit confusing, like she's reacting to something we should have seen. - It seems a little redundant that yet another person recognizes Seyn during the mission. - Overall, I like the banter and the action, but I think it still feels generally a little too much, too soon - like the reader hasn't gotten their bearings enough to buy these characters, their quirks and their banter.

Adrchel's harassment works, but it feels a little incredoulous that Eshrin wouldn't have a bigger reaction to him as the scene drags on. I think that's why it feels a bit muted to me.

Chapter 5 - Chapter 5 works well for me. I like the legal aspect of it already so I really didn't have any qualms with it. I did feel the pacing was a bit better. Chapter 7 - The first paragraph has a couple errors. It reads better as "The senator is looking out the window" and "But it is a constant with him". Otherwise, it's a bit confusing. - Adrichel really comes off as a jerk in this section - which I know was your intention with the harassment - but he might be a little too much of a jerk. - I would have liked to have seen Eshrin's response to his comment about being just as petty as he is. The scene feels a little too mute, too one-sided with a response - even an internal one.