rdpulfer

- "I'll remember to say hellos when you remember goodbyes" - I like what this line is trying to accomplish, but it feels a bit awkward. - It would have been good to know what Whispers were when Lillium first mentioned them instead of on the second page later. - That said, I like the idea of Whispers quite a lot. - The ending is too abrupt. I like the conversation is supposed to end abruptly, but it would be good to see the character's response as well.

- I like the opening and establishing the characters, but one character asking another "what do you want out of life" seems potentially a little too . . . maid-and-butlerish? Like it seems like a cheap way to introduce a character's motivations, especially so early on. - The concept of the gates needs a little bit of work. It feels like the invasion happens way too soon - before the reader has got their bearing. - I do like the overall plot - and especially how they are taken prisoner by a kid. - Again, I like the idea of a reluctant magic enforcer and the characters. It feels like you are just rushing too quickly to get to the plot, and you might need a chapter or two to get readers familiar with just the basic before launching headlong into the plot.

- "waist-high blackberries" sounds like they are actually standing in literal berries. Maybe describe the plants themselves? - I like the interaction surrounding Magda and Sorin and the girl. - And I also like the gut punch of the ending. It makes me really interesting to see what happens with these characters going into the climax - and what was become of them.

- The first line could be a bit tighter, maybe "Morning brought sun, but not heat." - I like that Sorin is struggling to throw off alchemy, even by just noticing what the fungi. It's a really subtle take on temptation. - I also really like the stinger at the end.

- The sense of urgency is really working in the opening scene, and I love the interplay between Eight and Quirk. - Is it possible for someone to be greedy with an oxygen unit? I'm not sure I could see the receptionist calling her on it. She might say something more formal, like "Only one per person!" - The last paragraph of the first chapter seems a bit confusion. What is Quirk fearing the ground won't do when he trails off? - I like the last interplay between Quirk and Moth - and the Star Trek reference to boot. I'd definitely like to see these characters in another adventure!

- Callan's fight with Batra and his crew is a little too short. I think it needs to be closer, more intense. - I love Quirk and Eight's exchange, but I think it could still use some dialogue tags. Usually you can tell one from another, but they both have an understated sarcasm that makes it hard to distinguish without tags. - I like when Quirk and Eight finally catch up to Callan, and the stakes are raised. - It's a good section, but I think it could use a little trimming. I expect Quirk and Callan to start their tussle a little sooner.

- Good to see Callan is frustrated - it means he's not completely in control either. - The details about Qurik's previous marriage do seem to come a little out of nowhere. - I like the character interaction - particularly between Eight and Quirk in the end of the middle chapter - but I'm hoping we see some action soon too as this keeps building. - Looks like I got my wish in the very next chapter. Curious to see where this is going next.

- Sam doesn't seem any worse for the wear here, which is a little odd. I would think this experience would shake him up a bit more. - Okay, so I see later he is shaken up, but I still think he needs to be shown a little more obviously affected. The world-building is nice, but the effect of this experience on Sam is what I was most interested in. - I like Origon's crack about finding dirt outside for Mhalro to look out. - I like Sam playing around with the Symphony. I'm curious if this is the right way to deal with his anxiety or not but I'm interested nevertheless. - And lastly I really like the suspense and intrigue build-up with Rilan!

- I like the opening epigraph . . . does a good job building some ominous foreshadow. - There's not too much character in the first couple pages, and that's a bit worrisome since the opening promises a heavy character arch in the beginning. - The dialogue feels a little maid-and-butler-ish in spots. Plus I'd like to get to know more of the character of Laux, and it feels absent at this point. - Interesting start. The dialogue is a little rough, and I feel the description outweighs the character, but I am curious where this all goes and what this "corruption" entails.

- I'm glad someone finally called out the Sherlock Holmes quote as cliche. - I'm not sure I buy Moth's reaction to Quirk blowing up at her. - I also love the line "I'm a lawyer. I can get a cat anywhere." - Nice two chapters, but the last segment with Callan could have ended a bit more stronger or ominous. Saying he needs to take control didn't really tell me much.

- I really like seeing Origon wincing . . . it gives us a sense he's not completely fearless :0 - Interesting development about the Drain . . . - Again, I like how Origon and Rilan interact - and how he refrains from pushing her. - I also like how Sam seems to be developing, no longer panicking, but instead, feeling anger . . . although the panic does come back at the very end.

- "There they were" seems a bit cliche. - Like Callan wasn't dedicated to bringing this kingdom down before? - I do like the intrigue with Quirk and crew. - I like the employee/consultant line. -

- It seems like Rilian thinks Tad may be lying really too quickly. It's a revelation that probably should be further down. - That said, I do like the interrogation scene. - I also like Sam's small panic attack. - I like the last line, but I think it may need a little more work. Sam is fitting into an alien culture, which seems contradictory to his previously agoraphobic life. You might want to hang a lampshade of this

- From the set-up, I expected Laurea to get a meaningless tasks, but instead she gets . . . an actual case? I was also surprised she considered it "amusing", when she seemed so dedicated to prove herself beforehand. Maybe this is an effort to make her seem overconfident. - I do like the bickering in the case itself - it does show why Laurea was what was obviously a reoccurring problem - and I like how she deals with the case. - And I liked the ending of the scene - although it seemed a tad predictable that it wouldn't be that easy to get what she wanted.

- Nice description of the the Council, but the pacing feels a bit slow. - I like Tad's introduction. I also really like that, in this sea of alien characters, there's just a character named "Tad" standing out like a sore thumb. - I like that Sam's anxiety is weighing down his interaction with his new colleagues. I really like that Sam is worried about standing out and screwing up in this alien culture. It adds a nice element of humanity to the character. - Nice ending with the Aridori. Really curious how this connects to Sam's situation.

- It might be good to go into some detail about how Callan had "fun" dressing the female android. It doesn't require too much description, but right now it seems kind of vague. - I like the twist at the end of the first chapter. - Accusing Quirk of not being the hero of the story seems a little too on the nose. - The procedural bit of what follows is interesting enough, if a little exposition heavy. Looking forward to seeing where this going though now that the plot is kicking into high gear.

- Combat is a good start. I like the action, but like the other commeters, I feel like it's incomplete. I would love to see it expanded though. - Would you call a bully "poop face" when you are being attacked? Seems like that would make things worse. The ending works better than the last time I read it, but it's still not quite there yet. There's a little irony at work, but I feel like it would be expanded more. - "Who Wants to Be Super?" is interesting. As a comic nerd, I like what the villain does in the end - but I'd like to see it played out a bit more. Also, it needs to end in something other than a monologue from the bad guy - even if he does "win".

- I like the interaction between Callan and Mills. It kinds the readers on the toe. - "15% awe, 85% what-the- fu**-have- I-got- myself-into" I like this, though I wouldn't mind a little more description of the expression. - I do agree, the travel chapters are a little bit of a drag. I like the interaction between Moth and Quirk, but they can't all be just them interacting to another. - The urgency is interesting at the end of the chapter, but I think it's a little bit of a cheat when we see Quirk's reaction but not what he's reacting too.

- I like that the question of Kathalana are brought up. It adds tension to the proceedings. - Very interested by the implications of "Frictions within the organizations". - The transition to "Thalan" seems a bit awkward, at least at the end of the chapter. - Overall, I'm curious to see how their senate-luring goes.

- I like the phase "well-earned body heat". The description really works in the opening. - I also like the familiarity between Sorin and Magda. how they react to one another, etc. - Yep, there's the awkward boobage. "Breasts make you uncomfortable" seems a bit awkward though, given the intimacy of the situation. - Ooooh, I really like the ominous ending. This story is really starting to work for me now, with the character interaction firing on all cylinders. I can't wait to read more.

- Minor Note: Might consider a better title than "Council Decisions" for the title. - "You bring conspiracies theories first . . . " This sounds a little redundant to the first time the Freshta accused him of making up conspiracy theories. - I do like the council deliberations. They give Origon something to actively fight against, and besides, I like to see Origon upset - I also like the interplay between Enos and Rilan as well. Very curious where this is going.

- I'm really like the concept of the Nether and how it makes the Imperium easy to traverse. - "It's supposed to be smaller, inside buildings" sounds either really vague or a lot like the TARDIS. - A lot of good world-building, but I am a bit worried about the lack of plot movement so far. I do like that we at least get a sense of Sam's desperation to return home.

- I really like the details on the Amazon and the sense that the jungle, instead of being threatened by all this technology, is merely biding it's time. - Would have liked to have seen Moth actually go through with the boarding interview - what was said, etc. - As always, the banter between Moth and Quirk is spot-on. - Didn't actually know there was a spelling bee movie entitled "Spellbound". You learn something knew every day. - Overall, it's good - there's just a lot of traveling, as IndustrialDragon says. It feels like a bit much, but I like the characters, so I don't mind.

- I like the action scenes in the first sequence. - I like the theme of the second piece, but I agree with Mandmon - killing a teenager for pocket change seems like overkill. Plus it would attract way too much heat, even if the mugger got away scott-free.

- I like the whole scene with the gold coins and bad omens. Way to set the stage! - And I also like how the theme of gold vs. silver plays out at the end of the next section. - It seems like the POV briefly shifts to Destiny at one point, with the words "Burn the witch. Destroy the city. Burn the witch." - Overall, I liked it, though I enjoyed Rachel/Rune interacting with the townsfolk most. Once she started engaging Destiny, it gradually turned into a pretty standard fight after that - though I did like Rune's last line in the story.