rdpulfer

- I really like the ominous opening of the story. - The rotting corpse remarks comes off as redundant, since it's mentioned twice that the board is horribly indecisive. - Confused as to who Dane is in this part of the story. - I'm really liking the pacing, along with the question - are Sadie's discoveries in the past, present or future? - Really confused about the ending. I like what you are going for - a twist on the classic robot rebellion motif - but in the end I can't tell what exactly has happened. It might need some additional meat to develop the story a bit more. The switch between perspectives is fast-paced and works really well - I think you've got the basics down. It just needs a little more development.

- Well, first off, I'm intrigued by the title. - I also agree - the intrigue on what the Nest is is well-handled. - The Seyn/sane pun seems a little on the nose. - It's also a little repetitive for Seyn to announce he's going to help with the ship and then for the next line to be him asking to help with the ship. - It feels like a lot of world-building swirling around a newbie on a mission. For some reason, I'm not buying that all of this would be explained to Seyn on his first day no less. - That said, I do like the world and what it's building towards - it just feels like a little much for a first chapter.

- I like the detail about the maids being disgusted, but Alandria's thought about Alluren seem out of place - it might be as simple as moving the sentence down a line and having it stand on its own. - I do like the pacing of this prologue. - Having seen previous drafts of this prologue, I did like when Lyzell's turning was more ambiguous. It seems here he's just possessed, which actually seems less threatening because it's easy to understand. - I also like the pacing and world-building on the second chapter. I'm curious where this is all going.

- It feels a little weird that Lasila rushes to the Senate after this attack . . . just to talk to Melqueth. It just seems really, really out of place. - That said, I do enjoy the legal part because it puts Lasila back in her element. - Overall, I think it's a good chapter that furthers Lasila's legal subplot. But I still feel like the attack feels too much like an afterthought and as a result, way too out of place for the reader.

- Not a big fan of the first line. It feels a bit cliche. Maybe it's just the words "There are moments..." that feels kind of trite and trope-y to me. - I agree the meta elements aren't working, at least in the beginning. Plus, you're assuming the reader likes third person, alternating points of view rather than first person, etc. - I do like the idea of a city called Quarantine, which was governed - at least at one time - by immortal wardens. That definitely works. - What do you mean when you say The First was dressed like a hero? What does a hero look like? Doesn't it depend on the culture? You get to it another paragraph down, but I think it needs to come sooner or else it's lost. - Overall, I think it's a strong backstory. I think you could cut a lot in the beginning - in particular the meta elements - and have a just as strong final product.

- It seems a little weird we don't get her brother's reaction to the revelation from the last chapter (though I do like her thoughts on him leaving.) - I do like to see a return to the legal side of things - even though it's something of a break from the main story - it's cool to see Lasila doing something other than just attending parties and getting information. - I do like the flow of the present tense, in particular with the line "not so ready that Lasila won't go looking for weapons.". - I do like Lissa's interaction with her brother when it finally happens. - Okay, I like the ending of the chapter, but noticing you are not bleeding after a mugging is not a normal reaction . . . especially given all the things Lasilla is knee-deep in. I get she's busy, but she needs a better reason to pass off her lack of physical harm.

- The excerpt is ominous, but a bit confusing. How will this usher in an era of new technology? - I do like the events of the prologue being depicted by two kids depicted. You might want to play this out a bit more. - I'm still confused by who and what is a Dreg six pages in. - Also, how are these characters? They are old enough to work in the alloy mills, but that doesn't exactly narrow it down. And since they are playing pretend, it feels like they should be younger? - Looking back, I guess I was confused about Dregs because the two characters were about to play a game of pretend, and I couldn't tell if they were pretending to be human, pretending to be Dregs. I didn't realize humans were dregs until far later in the submission. - Other than that confusion, I really enjoyed this section and I want to see where things go for the main character.

- In the first page, it feels like there's too much info-dumping and not enough description. I think you want to hook the reader with an image of the world before going into Laurea's thoughts. - I do like the interaction between Janus and Laurea for the most part. - I agree there's better phrasing for "Not that I ever complain about holding hands with a pretty lady". It seems way too informal for someone to say to someone he just meant. - I also like Janus' reaction to her last line. It's a very breezy selection, but I think it works.

- The bit about rallying a field of wild rabbits seems a bit of a throwaway line. It's a good image - I'd like to see more on this, like Ellis and Sofia commenting how that actually went down. - I really like the surreal nature of this dreamworld. - I like the story of Lumitica and Ovalum. The only suggestion I had is maybe some more interaction from the kids - building more suspense that they will in fact fall asleep? - I really want to see more of this story. I hope it helps!

- "She knew all too well 'better' was only the difference between dead and dying." - I love this line. I'd add some quotes to the word, but that's just me. - "...she preferred having" - I know what you meant, but I think this line could be sharper. - Why would she go to Doctor Golan instead of phoning 911 during a medical emergency? At first I thought this was a byproduct of the pills, but in retrospect, the entire sequence is irrational. - The ending is a swerve-ball. You meant to think something is going to happen with this experimental medication, and instead, follows her experiences in the afterlife. I don't think it's a bad twist ending, but I think it needs a little work - you made promises in the beginning in the set-up, and these promises are left completely by the wayside in the end. Maybe if the beginning and ending felt more linked, and the ending felt more foreshadowed. - I also think we need to know what she chooses. I hope this helps.

- It's nice to see Atena immediately facing consequences the moment she returns. - Tiberius is still coming off as a two-dimensional jerk. I'm not sure this is really relevant, but it just feels like it's clear he's the bad guy, or at least one of the main antagonists, and very little is done to make him anything else. - So she comes back from the forest and immediately flees to a monastery? This doesn't make Atena seem very capable when it comes to handling stress. - Her teaching also seemed out of place with the rest of the chapter. I can't remember if we've been introduced to Cronus before or not. If we have, it's just weekly reader syndrome on my part :), but if not, this might be a cliffhanger that needs to be revised if you are depending on the reader flipping the page to find out who Cronus is.

- I really like the opening paragraph, with Atena fleeing the horror of the battlefield. - " She tried to push past the throng of childlike spirits, but one of them lifted a tree root and snagged it around her ankle, sending him plummeting face first into the ground.". Is it supposed to be him or her? I was a bit confused because the dryads laugh at her misfortune, so I couldn't tell who was falling face-first into the ground. - Grammar nitpick - her "inner piece" should be in single quotations - 'inner piece' - when it's already in dialogue. - I like the Atena's training - and her reaction to Siwatu's help. - I would have liked Atena to remain in the forest for a little longer - she's only there for one whole chapter, so it doesn't feel like she's been there too long, at least from my perspective. But then again, I guess this fulfills the old saying - always leave them wanting more.

- I liked the opening. It's suspenseful as both the reader and Alex try to piece together what's going on. - It's conscious, not conscience, in the second paragraph. - I can't help but feel you are telling us a little too much about Marda's when it would be much more effective for the reader to come to this conclusion on her own. - I do like the bit about how Alex's father saved the nurse's life. - Some of the character's dialogue seems to go on a bit too long. It doesn't feel very realistic, and sometimes in crosses into "telling" territory, in particular during Alex and Marda's conversation. - It's a little strange when the POV suddenly shifts to Marda. At first, I thought Alex was overhearing all of this without their knowledge, but that doesn't seem to be the case. - It's an interesting set-up. I definitely want to read more. I like how the world and story slowly pieces itself together.

- Okay, I'm really excited to see this POV switch. It feels stronger, even in the opening paragraphs. - "The letter was more important than any sacrifice the Allurians people had to make." - I think this was meant to emphasize the letter's significance, but it feels like it makes Alandria seem more cold than anything else. - I'd like some more description when Alandria describes the front gates. How does she know they are "holding"? What do they look like, from her perspective? - "I get the sense we're being watched." - feels a little cliche, especially after the really cool detail about the fog not being affected by the wind. - The ending is much, much strong, especially from Alandria's perspective. - I'd like a little more description and tension leading up to Lyzel apparently killing Alandria. It feels like it comes out of nowhere, but building up the dread and tension of what her husband is about to do could really help hook the reader.

- Having not read the previous submissions, I'm a little worried the whimsical nature of the story - with cloud-walking robots - clashes with the dark take on Sira's relationship with her disfigured grandfather. - i like the imagination of the setting, but it definitely clashes with the real world we've been presented with so far. - That said, I do like reading about Ray's defeat. - Re: Sira's relationship with Grandfather - him being sarcastic and mean to her should be the first thing she mentions. The rest makes her feel shallow and unsympathetic. - Not sure what I think about the last chapter from the grandfather's POV. Obviously, he's not as bad as Sira makes him out to be, but I'm not sure I want to see his thoughts at this point - I kinda like him being enigmatic, especially at this point.

- I like the opening paragraph. - i do think you are going too scarce with the description, especially since there's no tags in the dialogue. It feels very bare in the first page, but I do think it makes it feel a bit surreal too at the same time. - It's very weird without any descriptions. I'd like to know what the characters are doing - especially since their body language can give us hints about how they are feeling. - It's an interesting start, but it's very confusing what's happening the whole time. I thought he was in some kind of therapy session, only to find it was literally all in his head. It's all all a little too vague. - I also agree with Mandamon the women at the end was very shallow and annoying. - I think there's still room for improvement though. I really think it's just a matter of figuring out what details resonate and adds them into the story.

- I like the description of how Thalan wakes up - as well as the initial confusion about his - yes his - gender. - I also like his initial meeting with Savae. - I also like the intrigue about the goddess' murder. - Generally, I like this segment. The only problem is . . . not much happens. There's a couple detail on the murder, but that's it. It feels like it needs a little more, but for what it is so far, it is good.

- I think the opening paragraph is much stronger. - Much better description of Alandria. - All and all, the prologue is much improved, and much more involved. - Changing perspectives to Soryn is a bit jarring since it's the first we've seen of this character. It might be better to focus on Alandria because we know more about her perspective. - I think the biggest question with any prologue is . . . do you absolutely need it? Keep in mind you can use flashbacks if needed. But if you feel your plot absolutely can't function without it, then it's best to keep it.

- First off, the first paragraph probably should be broken up. Readers might be intimidated when the first paragraph takes up so much space. - The first two and half pages feels like set-up and infodumping. It would help if we found Lyzell in the thick of the action and let the reader figure out what was going on. - How is Alandria's wife beautiful? This seems like a detail which probably should be dropped, unless its relevant, or described further. - Not really surprised she is killed in the end, but I was surprised by Lyzell's response. - I like the very, very end of the prologue, but I'm not sure if there's enough of substance up until that point. Before that point, there's just a battle and a chase, but nothing the reader is very invested in .

Without giving too much of HEX's plot away, a character dies . . . and the author flat-out tells us about it. We don't really get to see it happen, and I have mixed feelings about the execution. We then have to wait for the plot to flashback a couple hours later and watch the other characters discover the death. This is the part that frustrated me the most, because I felt like the air was let out of the plot a bit, and the intensity was gone for just a chapter or so. I'll have to listen to Goose Girl - I like listening to audio books with full casts. That's how the audio book of "Hyperion" was.

The last thing I listened to was Thomas Olde Heuvelt's Hex. I was mostly reading it for enjoyment, but I did take note on how the author used subtle foreshadows to instill a steadily mounting sense of dread, especially as the timebomb plot kicked in. On the other hand, I also noticed the limitations of in medias res storytelling because it can really kill the suspense except in certain situations (i.e. you know what's coming but you read anyway),

- Aren't all days in a prison typically pretty slow? I understand he's talking about the workout, but it seems a little weird by comparison - Mark's transformation was very well-handled and unexpected. - Ben's mention of his dad is really sporadic . . . it seems to come in very random moments, and it's more confusing rather than intriguing. - Overall, I like the action and the pacing, but the plot set-up seems shallow. I'm still trying to figure out what Ben is doing here, what this prison is like or even what the setting is outside the prison. Still, I'd definitely like to read more.

- I read your initial e-mail. I still thought it could have used some foreshadows, at least in the scenes. - Here's a few comma splices I saw - "We've got her! We've got her , boss!" "Grab him and tie him to the horse." "Lead on , General." - You could use "he thought" or "he wondered". Or you could just have the thoughts without the italics. Or you could just make sure your sounds and thoughts aren't near one. - I hope this helps!

Hey M. Puddles - welcome to Reading Excuses! - It's very well-written, engaging prose, first of all, but I'm still trying to figure out what all is going on. - It's a little weird when the sound effects and thoughts are both represented by italics, and so close together. - I really like the action in the first section, but it comes out of nowhere. Some foreshadow could help increase the tension. - I like how the story continues just with different perspective. - Overall, it's a good selection,. I'd like to read more. You have some minor grammar issues - like comma splice - but otherwise, its pretty interesting.

- One of the Dryads is named Toto? That seems a bit much. - I like her interaction with Scrios - how she tries to pull a fast one over him, and how he calls her on it. - I like the flashback, but it seemed a little out of place since we know Scrios is alive and they are friends, so it didn't really tell us anything we really needed to know as far as I could tell. - Still, I really like this world and I'm eager to see more.