rdpulfer

Hello, This is my latest short story. It recently got Silver Honorable Mention at the Writers of the Future. I think you guys were helping me proof "Scholomancer" when I wrote it. Anyway,I'd appreciate any critique you can offer.

The FBI is definitely a lot more believable, Kuper, and there's also a lot more information on how the FBI operates readily available. But don't feel too bad - I've seen "Interpol" used in tons of movies and TV shows interchangeably with law enforcement agencies. It's another one of those Hollywood myths

- I really like the concept. - I don't believe Interpol has the ability to make arrests. I think they are more of an inter-agency network that helps law enforcement organizations from different countries collaborate. I'm not sure if the CIA can make arrests either, at least officially. - I like the twist of Nakamoto having a double. - As I said, I really like the premise, but at least in this chapter, it plays such a small role in the story. I would liked to seen more of the bar's supernatural element, even if it just in the background. - That said, I really liked the pacing of the story and the action of the flashbacks.

- I like how you make it a point of showing the Snatcher's strength by comparing it with his Dad struggling to carry her. - I can understand (and even expect) her parents not to believe her, but her father's reaction to the name Roamwald has definitely got me intrigued. - Her father's return is a little anti-climatic. I see that he returns with food with everything, but he just came back from outside - where we know Roamwald is - the suspense really builds and builds during his absence. - Interesting that the Snatcher has a Devil-like quality, at least as the men tell it - kind of reminds me of Old Scratch in American folklore. - The men not believing Jeanne about the Snatcher feels a tad unrealistic. They spent a lot of the conversation telling how big of threat they are . . . and then they don't believe her because she hit her head? Seems unlikely. - I really like this rustic, and I'm definitely curious to see where it goes next.

- This could be Weekly Reader Syndrome, but I didn't know Sara could "will" her armor around her. This may be a hold over from one of my first comments, but I'm curious what the capabilities of the angels are, especially where technology is involved. - "She sang alone" . . . I love this . . . it's very sparse yet very haunting. - When the Fallen star rescues her, I think the scene is more told than shown. I'd like you could have a lot more suspense, especially given the galaxy-sized opposition she's up against. - I also like Lucifer's arrogance. It's one of his most traditional traits, and this Lucifer is definitely very proud. - Sara's Fall from grace was a little confusing, as was Uldomiel's subsequent conflict with her. If Lucifer is gone, are Fallen angels really that much of a threat? - Overall, I really liked this story. It definitely kept my interest.

- The conversation between Moon, Eclispe and Salene feels a little disjointed with him talking to Moon and explaining stuff to Salene at the same time. It makes the infodump stand out a bit. - That said, I really do like the concept of equilibrium. - Still struggling to understand the world, and the relationship between Guardians, Witches, etc. - I do like Moon's denseness, especially with Salene's sarcasm. - Interested to read more!

I'd also like to submit next Monday, if there are spots available. I just got back the result of an entry to a short story competition.

Welcome to the group! - As previously noted, your command is English is excellent. I would recommend moving your description up on the first page. "She was beautiful" doesn't do much to hook the reader, but i think your description certainly well. - Very interested in Veil and Mus, though I'm very curious how a large white mouse has an American accent. - It took me a while to realize Mus was a mouse - if I read that right - and not just someone she was talking to while a mouse was circling her feet. - Overall, I'm very interested in the world you are building. I'd definitely like to read more.

Yay! I'm all caught up! It only took me two weeks . . . - I really like the emphasis on historical accuracy. - I would have liked a little more lead-up to Washington's presence in the room. At first, he is just called "impossible" and a "monstrosity", but some description might clue in the reader before the infodump. - I enjoy any team-up that involves a zombie George Washington. - I would have liked to see more of Royall and Washington's interaction before they got into the thick of things. - Overall, I enjoyed it a lot. I am worried some of the dialogue is too long. Some of this works because that's just how they talked in the time period, but too much might annoy the reader.

- Okay, first off, I like that she has six wings, like the traditional Seraphim. As previously mentioned, I'm an angel nerd, so I'm hooked. - I also like the description of her angelic weaponry - in particular the sword with the power of a dwarf star! - I'm getting a Cthulhu-vibe from the Elder Thing and I'm digging it. - i also love the action. - I would like to know more the technology. After all, if they are angels, while do they need technology, or perhaps more specifically, what do they use it for? - Ugh. I can't wait read the second part!

- This is probably Weekly Reader Syndrome, but was Calgary in the previous submission? Oz mentions meeting him as a kid, and i get that he's his adoptive father, but it's a little weird when he calls him his not-father and we have no idea who he is. - I'm trying to figure out how the Brides figure into this world of the Rex. Again, this could be Weekly Reader Syndrome, but it seems like there is much more that needs to be explained before they are all ushered off to their rooms. - Maybe I'm confused, but it's took me a while to realize Oz knew Eleanor previously. i thought they were just meeting in the first chapter. - I like the world you are building. I think I just need to understand it a bit more.

I wish people would quit writing so much so I could catch up! Anyway, here are my thoughts: - I really like how Granny Jane defuses the tension in the room about charity and favors with desert. - By the time you see a snatcher, it's already too late. I like this. It makes them sound like a force of nature, like a tornado or something. - Eight chapters in, I can't help but feel there's been enough detail on what exactly a snatcher is. It takes people I guess? What does it do with them? Why does the snatcher seem to have human memories? It's a very interesting concept, but I feel like the pace is perhaps moving too languid. - Cool to see the snatcher finally arrive, and I like how we still don't see too much of him to break the mystery. - Very interested to see what this new character is, snatcher or not.

- I had a hard time figuring out the setting at first. The kebab and coffee put it in a more modern setting. But if it's not a real world setting, what is it? - Okay, what does a moonwolf look like? And is this different from how he looks in his human state? It's confusing when Moon is fighting one, especially after just talking about hunting one in the forest. - I do like the moon centric channeling system. - As previously noted, the frustration with the main character's hair is kind of annoying after a while. Unless it's actually a sentient, living being separate of Moon, I would suggest cutting it down. - Okay how is a moonwolf different than a darkwolf, since you mentioned the man Moon fought was probably a moonwolf. - I do like the suspension as Moon realizes something is tracking him. - I love Salene reminding Moon that her mother will kill him if she dies. - I like the honorific exchange between Moon and Eclipse. - I like the humor in the closing dialogue, but I feel like the last line needs more. It feels like an excuse for infodumping more than anything else.

Slowly catching up. I'm reading this from work, which I feel is the equivalent of a crowded New York subway. - I understand it's supposed to be sudden, but the man with the gun comes in way too soon on the first page. Maybe it's because it is told to us instead of shown. - I am very curious about the gunman's exchange with Oz's father, as well as the ominous mention of his mother. That got my attention. - Rex seems a little awkward since it's used in plural throughout the section. Maybe Rexes would be better, even if it's not grammatically appropriate. - Really getting a Shadow Over Innsmouth vibe from the Rex I like it so far. - I think you are skipping over the action beats a bit too much. Don't tell us the diner exploded. Show us it feels and looks. - I like the world you are building. i definitely want to see more of it!

I'm slowly catching up! - I like the line about the regent being a bear. I'd have to seen a lot more details about what happens when one of the guests turns into a bear on a half-moon. - I'm a little worried the humor and wonder of this piece is a bit too understated, especially if you are going for a Monty Python-esque tone. Not much of the first few pages caught my eye until we get to the bit about what rats can carry and what doves can carry. - I've never heard squirrels as being described as admirable, and i love it. - I love the last line. - Overall, I think it's a great piece. I just think the fantasy elements need to be brought up sooner, to keep the reader interested.

- I like the ambiance the main character feels when he "loses" someone. It's an interesting idea since it really does mean they are literally in a better place. - The parenthesis after "We've done this before, we've never lost" feels a bit awkward. - Magdi's crossing hits hard, but feels like it needs more reaction from Harth. - "If you think I'll balk you ARE mistaken." - I did not see that ending coming, but it definitely works, and definitely says what it needs to.

Slowly working my way up through all the submissions I missed last week. - I like the Ursula Le Guin quote at the beginning. - Not sure I like the name Joebob, but it could just be subjective. - I like the action and the description of the first few pages. - I definitely like the world being set up here, and I'm interested to know more about earning a soul and "making a Meal".

- I like the first line a lot. - I am intrigued with the opening, as a dead soldier finding himself tasked with more fighting. - "To keep the hoard at bay." I think you mean hordes, unless they are being attacked by a large stack of money (which really would be pretty awesome.) - I'm really, really liking the set-up. The cryptic fate of the previous commander. The main character's incredible task. The Purgatory setting. - You used hoard again on Page 3. - It might be good to know who they lost, even if it was just a character we saw sparingly. - I really like this set-up. I'll probably get caught up by the end of the week.

That could be the issue. I think the pacing slows down so dramatically compared to previous chapters, it feels a bit noticeable. It's still very breezy though, so it's not a huge issue.

Apologies for the late read but I took last week off - The new names and the dialects definitely give this a more American feel right off the bat, at least to distinguish it from a regular Middle Age European setting. - The pacing works so far. I like the urgency once Bandit is accused of killing Jasmine. - Chapter Five moves a long at a nice pace, but it does feel a little disjointed compared to the intrigue of the past few chapters. - I did like Helene's description of the Snatchers, and that you are sort of mythologizing them before they appear again. - Overall, I really like this story. I like the description and the set-up - I just hope there isn't too much of a wait until something else happens.

I thought Jason Isaacs was on this forum and now I've found you've got my hopes up for nothing?! Now I'm going to go back into my corner and cry over my framed poster of Lucius Malfoy.

Welcome to the group! - I liked that you indirectly describe the character in the first chapter. He's not human. He leaves deep tracks in the snow, so he's probably something big. - Setting kinda confuses me. I'm guessing this is semi-traditional, rural fantasy, but a name like Jenni Fullers sounds surprisingly modern. A farmhouse works okay in both settings. - The setting is better explained in the second chapter, but I'd like to get a sense of the general setting in the first one. - I like Jenni's "conversation" with the cows. - I really like the pacing, as we go from getting the milk straight into Uncle Jon's story. - I'm really curious what a Snatcher is. I'd definitely like to read more.

- I think it might be better to tackle these selections individually - all in separate posts - instead of in one giant section. The Time of Men - Dazbula's personification threw me for a loop until I re-read the passage a couple times. At first I couldn't tell if it was a person or an actual star. - Interesting prologue - I would have liked to have seen more focus on Dazbula, perhaps in some sort of creation myth story. Bedtime Story - There's a lot of telling in this story, especially as dialogue. It looks like the world-building should be separated from the story itself. The Prorochitsa Speaks - I really like using cycles as a measure of time instead of years. It really changes the world as a result. - Great description, especially in this passage. Koroleva’s Order - This scene has a lot of power. I'm not sure if it needs more or not. I kind of feel like I want to see more characterization leading up to the queen's thought about her children. Death of a Brother - Interesting that mama and papa are used as titles of respect. The Mountain School - . . . . but the mama and papa thing can be confusing when denoting real biological relations. Tøra’s Excavation - This is the passage i liked the best so far, just with the mystery of her discovery and the mention of dreams. I'd like to see what happens next here. Jaçe Recruits - This was a fun scene just with all the kids wanting to play in the hole The Bear and the Child - I liked this interplay, even if it was completely different than the last two sections. A Bite in the Deli - Again, I'd really like to see more of the story with the excavation. That's what caught my eye the most.

Thanks guys! Like I said, I wrote this for a local contest/writing prompt. That said, it looks like I need to hammer out what the Rule of Three entails a bit more.

First Paragraph -- Good description, but I can't help but feel it buries the lead somewhere. I think the revelation that no one has been on the other side of the walls, and that Victor might have a way through, stands out as the most intriguing of the passage. Second Paragraph -- Gives a very vivid description of how the room is set up. This is really good for blocking (something I can definitely appreciate the value of). Otherwise, it doesn't do much in terms of moving the story forward. Third Paragraph -- A little confused at the start of the paragraph, which mentioned Anna letting down her ponytail from where Victor had it. Did Victor do her hair? The conversation also felt like it needed to be expanded. It felt like they were trying to jest with one another, while also discuss the nature of intelligence, and it didn't really work for me. I also didn't like Anna saying Victor is smart in his own way. It felt forced. I think if you want this to be a statement that grades don't count for everything, it needs to be said in a different way - possibly not from something close to him.