rdpulfer

I thought Jason Isaacs was on this forum and now I've found you've got my hopes up for nothing?! Now I'm going to go back into my corner and cry over my framed poster of Lucius Malfoy.

- I think it might be better to tackle these selections individually - all in separate posts - instead of in one giant section. The Time of Men - Dazbula's personification threw me for a loop until I re-read the passage a couple times. At first I couldn't tell if it was a person or an actual star. - Interesting prologue - I would have liked to have seen more focus on Dazbula, perhaps in some sort of creation myth story. Bedtime Story - There's a lot of telling in this story, especially as dialogue. It looks like the world-building should be separated from the story itself. The Prorochitsa Speaks - I really like using cycles as a measure of time instead of years. It really changes the world as a result. - Great description, especially in this passage. Koroleva’s Order - This scene has a lot of power. I'm not sure if it needs more or not. I kind of feel like I want to see more characterization leading up to the queen's thought about her children. Death of a Brother - Interesting that mama and papa are used as titles of respect. The Mountain School - . . . . but the mama and papa thing can be confusing when denoting real biological relations. Tøra’s Excavation - This is the passage i liked the best so far, just with the mystery of her discovery and the mention of dreams. I'd like to see what happens next here. Jaçe Recruits - This was a fun scene just with all the kids wanting to play in the hole The Bear and the Child - I liked this interplay, even if it was completely different than the last two sections. A Bite in the Deli - Again, I'd really like to see more of the story with the excavation. That's what caught my eye the most.

Thanks guys! Like I said, I wrote this for a local contest/writing prompt. That said, it looks like I need to hammer out what the Rule of Three entails a bit more.

First Paragraph -- Good description, but I can't help but feel it buries the lead somewhere. I think the revelation that no one has been on the other side of the walls, and that Victor might have a way through, stands out as the most intriguing of the passage. Second Paragraph -- Gives a very vivid description of how the room is set up. This is really good for blocking (something I can definitely appreciate the value of). Otherwise, it doesn't do much in terms of moving the story forward. Third Paragraph -- A little confused at the start of the paragraph, which mentioned Anna letting down her ponytail from where Victor had it. Did Victor do her hair? The conversation also felt like it needed to be expanded. It felt like they were trying to jest with one another, while also discuss the nature of intelligence, and it didn't really work for me. I also didn't like Anna saying Victor is smart in his own way. It felt forced. I think if you want this to be a statement that grades don't count for everything, it needs to be said in a different way - possibly not from something close to him.

Thanks for the comments so far. This was a for a contest where I had to use certain words (most of the "i" words, like "inspiration", "innocence", "indulgence", etc.) I'll probably have to remove some of them. I definitely think the story needs some more conflict . . . just the Master answering the Apprentice's question doesn't necessarily make it a story. And it looks like I'll have to elaborate what the Rule of Three is. You are correct that it has to do with Celebrity Deaths, Eisenheim. Maybe I'll have the Apprentice initially mishandling the Rule, so you get to see how deaths are regularly handled, and then have the Master explain it to him. Thanks for the information on forest fires, kaisa!

Hey everyone, This is a short piece I did for a contest put on by my local writing organization. Since I didn't win, I've decided to try retooling it into a flash fiction submission. I'd love to know what's working and what might need more detail.

Sorry for the late notice, but would it be possible for me to submit tomorrow? I have a flash fiction I submitted to a contest a few weeks ago, and I just heard the results yesterday.

- I agree with Mandamon. It seems out some people react to her with suspicion and hostility, especially if she's grown up there her whole life. - I really like the tension of the beginning, especially as Willow stares at the footprint. - Again, the mistrust everyone feels for the title character is a little out of the blue. Clearly there's a reason for it, but it feels more out of place rather than suspicious.

I actually paid for single occupancy However, I know a lot of people who had roommates and I honestly didn't hear of many issues - everyone I talked to got along with their roommates. They give people a chance to interact with potential roommates via e-mail and Google group and ensure there are no issues. If you can afford single occupancy, I'd actually recommend it - not because of roommates - but because sometimes I was wiped out after a long excursion or a breakout group. It was really helpful to just be able to go back to your room and crash if needed.

I definitely agree with everything Mandamon said. The cruise is an excellent opportunity - and an awesome time. I was a little uneasy because I was going alone, but I met a lot of great folks (including Mandamon and his wife). The instructors are all great too, and you get to spend a lot of time with both the instructors and the WX crew. Even now, almost six months later, I still find myself remembering something or someone from the cruise. It's a very inspiring and awesome time and I definitely recommend it to anyone who has the means to go - and if you don't, be sure to check the scholarships. Mandamon is being too modest - he and his wife played a big role in doubling the scholarships offered this time around!

- I like the Baxter at least realizes he's a jerk, and he's not the kind of character who carries on without some recognition of his actions . . . even if it too late. - I also Kim and Baxter's heart to heart after it's happened. - Generally, your characters are really strong - Kim and Samantha are definitely standing out. Still trying to figure out what I think about Baxter. - A little confused where Kim's fiancee is in the picture? Maybe I missed something, but he never seems to factor in anything (or maybe this is forthcoming. - Overall, this submission was a little light on the magic (save for the cat) but otherwise, I like it. Can't wait to see what Baxter gets into next.

- I'm kinda confused if Kim is aware she's been possessed or not. Regardless, she seems a little too matter-of-fact with regards to everything that's happened. - Question: is Baxter purposely referring to his child as "the kid". It does make him feel detached, especially in his role as a father. It's a very neutral, affection-less term, unlike "kiddo", "pumpkin" or even "runt". I just wanted to make sure this was your attention - if it is, it's a subtle way of making Baxter more of a jerk. - Kim's boyfriend's Mercedes is a little redundant - I like Baxter's exchange with a cat, but I don't feel we know enough of the world Baxter lives in for this to feel really commonplace. - I like the fall-out between Baxter and Kim. It is really sad, and it sets up the novel very well. Overall, I am anxious to see more, just like last week.

I would say that, had i not read the previous book, I'd had been somewhat bored. Maybe not enough to stop reading altogether, but the pace is definitely something of a letdown.

- First off, I like the second person, especially in the middle of a battle scene. - "The enemy rearguard stands firm as twenty war sleighs, pulled by massive wolfish dogs descends upon them." You'll want to correct this typo - otherwise the reader will be confused by the POV. - Nice to see Kang again. - Not much happens in the second scene, but I am interested, though it's mostly to see what happens with Kang and company more than any major plot developments

- As someone who deals with a lot of customer service, I also appreciated the one-sided conversation (it felt frustratingly familiar). - I was thrown by the word "helpmeet" at first until I saw apprentice. I was wondering if this was done to make the speaker feel more foreign? - The escalation on the last page seems a little out of place. Clearly they are having a disagreement, but I didn't feel the need for him to call him a villain. - I like the Fey twist, but I think there needs to be some hints at his identity throughout the piece. I'm guessing that's why he couldn't actually enter the forge - because of all the iron? Things like that - and his face changing - might need to be a little more prominent.

I think I might have been through Defiance a time or two. I'm originally from Lima, Ohio. Researching a place is definitely a lot easier when you can visit it!

- I agree with some of the previous posters - Kim and Baxter's dialogue is filled with so much vitriol that it fills like their relationship is anything but amicable. It doesn't help that Baxter is being so vague about what he's going to show her. - Okay, I definitely wasn't expecting Kim to get possessed. I think it took a bit too long to get to this point though, if this is the focus of the section. - I'm with Baxter - the constant pop culture references are really annoying. And normally I'm the guy who likes pop culture references. - I'm a little confused. Does Baxter know the thing in Kim's body? It kinda reminds me of Deadman from DC Comics. Regardless, I can't tell if he knows the spirit or not throughout the passage.The spirit is so familiar with Baxter, it tough to tell if this is someone Baxter knows in the context of his weirdness, which hasn't been well-established at this point. I didn't really get that this was someone he knows that he doesn't in fact know yet until the very end. - I am really interested in this character, however, and I'm very curious to see where this goes.

Well, I'm glad it helped. I was excited to see Fort Wayne. I live in northern Illinois, previously from Ohio, so I've driven through Fort Wayne a couple of times. It's beautiful country.

- Didn't get to this one last week, so I figured I'd read this first before jumping into the middle of this week's current section. - Some of the language seems out of place, in particular "douchbag overactive imagination" doesn't really together. - .The passage doesn't seem to move that much. You seem to spend just a bit too much inside Baxter's head. - Baxter's extrasensory powers are kind of glossed over. I like that they are treated so matter-of-factly, but it might be better if the reader had more of a chance to see Baxter using them.

- I love first paragraph, and especially the simplicity of the names . . . Garbage-Man and Short-Man. It makes me very interested to know who these two are connected and what's going on. - POV switch is a bit jarring, but still pretty interesting given what you've revealed about the their organ-harvesting intentions. - A little confused about the blocking. I thought the main character was sitting in a car. Then it seems he's not, and somewhere where Marie could pace towards him? - I really like the NEU, and the various data you chose to show. I also like that it's politely whispering to the protagonist. - I liked that you reintroduce Marie after their intense night together, hitting home the character's loss of memory. - The second switch back to third person seems a little less effective, since it's basically an info-dump. - I really like the action in the final section. I'd definitely read a whole novel like this!

I think it's a case where you need to describe more. You have to make the story feel more vivid to the reader. What kind of rock lines the cave? How does it feel? How does it smell? You want to get as specific as possible without interfering with the pacing.

- I think the first paragraph needs to put us in the setting a bit more. What does this cave look like? Why is it so terrifying? - The main character's thoughts feel a little much like an info-dump when it comes to this place being forbidden and everything. - Honestly, I feel like there might be too much of the main character's direct thoughts, when you could just as easily - and more effectively - show the action. - I like the lead-in, but everything feels very vague, or even generic. What's the name of the town? Does the cave have a name? What are his friends' names? Making it more specific can make it feel more engaging to the reader.

I disagree it feels like it's off-genre. If the romance is crucial to the plot, I think some closure is necessary to wrapping it up. And it doesn't need to be an epilogue - it can be a final interaction between the characters, immediately after the conclusion of the action, just to tie the story up.

Thanks for sending in the revised version! I can't remember what is new and improved, so i might note the same things. But here it goes: - I still think of Idris Elba when I read "Idris". - Like the relationship between Idris and Alissa in this draft. - I think more needs to be made of the jackals being demon-touched. It's a great moment that ups the stakes. - I still feel like there needs to be something more between Idris and Alissa at the very end, some sort of payoff between the two characters.

Hi! Welcome to Reading Excuses! - I feel like the first line needs a little word. Maybe show he's emotionless rather than tell us he's emotionless. That said, I like the imagery that follows. - The paragraphs, as others have noticed, are really long. - I like the interplay between Dirk and Andri. - I like the idea of a BrightLord actually being kind of annoying due to the nature of his power source. - Overall, in spit of the grimness of the tale, I wouldn't mind seeing more of this worlds and characters.