rdpulfer

Yeah, I got thought when I reached the end of the submission. Darn Weekly Reader Syndrome!

- Love the opening line. - I also couldn't help but think of Idris Elba. - I like the revelation that these are no ordinary jackals, to up the threat level. - I felt the ending seemed a little abrupt. I wanted to see more of both characters, not just Alissa. - Overall, I liked the mythic feel of this story, as well as the fast-paced action. I just needed a little more meat in the ending - perhaps some more interaction between the lovers.

- I like the opening exchange between the main character and Joanna, particularly for the latter's bluntness. - The character beats and voice really work well, especially during their brief tour. - I also like the Sleeping Beauty reference. - Why is the main character not terrified when he is with Joanna, but he's terrified with Trahaeran as they enter fairy land? - I'm really interested to see where this is going, especially at the end of the chapter.

- Okay, I haven't read chapter one yet, so maybe this is explained, but if Giselle knew her sister wasn't well, why didn't she follow her or at least wake up her mother? - Again, new reader syndrome, but if Leni is in the business of faking illnesses, it probably needs to brought up sooner . . . unless you already thought of that in the first chapter I have yet to read. - I'm a little confused by the mention of angels. It sounds like angels are a little more commonplace in this world, at least that their existence isn't called into question. Yet Giselle still doesn't believe one took Leni? - Nitpicking grammar note, but when Gissle mumbles to Mr. and Mrs. Harrison, "fine" should be capitalized. - I am looking the introduction of angels into this world, especially as beings that only make contact with a select few. - I like this chapter. I'm definitely curious what happens next and can't wait to see where Gisselle's search takes her.

- I like the introduction of Mrs. Caughthron, but in a rural setting like this, it might be good to introduce her prior, even just in passing conversation. (Disregard if you have already done so and this is just Weekly Reader Syndrome.) - I also like the introduction of Joanna, and how she is excited to be moving, even if it's just doing chores. - Lots of weirdness about the man in the basements, the shoes, and Joanna's origins. I like it - I like what Joanna says about not paying any mind to disputes between adults since it's just "dramatics". - I figured Joanna was a fairy, but I really like her matter-of-fact tone. I also like that "old business is always bad". - Really excited by the introduction of new characters - both Joanna and Mrs. Caughton. I think that might be just what this story needs, since it's so far just been the main character, and his father and Trahaeran, aside from the characters in his tales. Looking forward to where this goes.

- I do like that Hellas has Rakha because it gives him someone to talk to, and we can tell a lot about a setting by how Rakha related to it. - As someone who also writes about golems, I've never pictured them defecating, but apparently they do, according to Hellas. - Jane's introduction is a little strange because it happens at the tail-end of his conversation with Eirael, so it's a little confusing. I had to back-track to see who he was talking to. - There's an angel named Peter? Shouldn't he be guarding the gates or something? I think some readers might question a St. Peter connection. - Eirahel is cool, but there's maybe too much emphasis on her and Hellas. I was curious what the rest of the prisoners were doing during the fight . . . they also get lost in the shuffle it seems. - Overall, still really interested where this goes.

Well, thanks for the feedback regardless, Robinski! I appreciate it. I'll probably leave the visions alone for the most part then.

- I was immersed in the prose quite a lot. It definitely kept me interested. - The lack of setting was a drawback. Okay, the subject has a sword. And he's fighting someone else with a sword. I understand the narrative was purposely vague at points, but building up the setting could work to further immerse your reader. - I also never felt like the outcome was in question. There felt like there was only one-two paragraphs of solid action.And then he won. As a result, it felt anti-climatic. - Just a thought, but it might have proved more suspenseful if the subject lost the combat. This might be another writing exercise for you - write the same scene from the perspective of the loser. What was he thinking and how was his thoughts different?

Thanks Robinski! The boot is very appreciated, and I do think the next time I submit a novel (well, after I finish another novel) I'll submit a second draft instead of an error-ridden first draft. Much of your comments are in keeping with the major re-writes I'm going to be doing over the next few months. One though I did have was replacing Stephanie's visions with memory-like dreams of her and Serena, foreshadowing her eventual return and upping the threat level. I haven't decided to completely go down this route, but I was wondering what you thought of this - unless the visions were already effective.

- It's a little weird that Alfred's in a trance in the beginning. It's also a bit odd he doesn't notice the man in front of him with two guards. - I'm also not a big fan of all caps and multiple exclamation points. - It's weird that the harbor master goes from screaming at Alfred to politely asking him to leave. - I do like the tension of the face off between Alfred and the guards,. - The POV shift, as others have noticed, is really confusing, Also, I think if you are gong to get into the mind of the harbor master, you need to signify it in some other way and really explore what makes this guy tick in more than a paragraph.

- I like the suspense building in the page, as the heifer senses something in wrong and the main character yells for his dad. - I liked the meeting with the woman in the barn, but her words seem a bit too long-winded at times to feel really ominous. You might punch up the impact but cutting out some excess words. - Faeries. Cool. That's where I thought this was going. - Why does he not tell Trahaern about his meeting with the woman? It seems like it's just going to cause problems later. - So it was the result of a spell? This might need to be explained a little more. - Overall, I'm really interested in where this is going. It might just be weekly reader syndrome, but I can't remember if this is the only installment that didn't have a fairy tale included. Not sure if that's the case or not.

- I still feel like Hellas is making a big mistake at the start of this chapter, even if the armor is thoroughly examined and cleaned. - I noticed the mention of Set. Isn't that an Egyptian deity? I'm curious if we're seeing other religions and pantheons displayed here. - I do like the idea of recruiting prisoners who "make the hellspawn nervous". Curious what is so special about them. - The bit about someone being washed into the ocean in several pieces after visiting the Keeper being conclusive seems a little bit flat. it might just need to be reworded. - I like the bit about the riddle. It reminds me of the sphinx. - I also liked the fight between his imposter friends. - Overall, I liked this chapter. The pace picked up once he spoke to the Keeper. Can't wait to read more.

Thanks smgorden, I'm glad you liked it so much. I'm definitely going to be doing a lot of revising and rewriting over the next few months, but I'm glad some of it worked for you. Blocking is definitely on the top of my list, along with smoothing over some of the more tropey elements. Good luck on your finishing your own book!

Thanks for the continued feedback, Mandamon and Asmodemon . . . believe me, I have a lot of notes to go through on the next few drafts, so I'll be reworking this novel for a while. I'm definitely going to work on toning down the characters/relationships a bit so Jason seems like less a tool while Stephanie and Renfield advance only as far as slightly-less-than-uneasy allies. Here's some questions i still have for those that have read the whole thing: Should I keep Irving as a POV character? I've heard he needs to be more consistent, but fixing that, is he still a worthwhile POV? Should I keep Sean in the book at all? As it stands, he's simply a means of Stephanie gaining control of the company through blackmail, but right now he's way too incompetent and potentially dead weight narrative-wise. Would the story be stronger without him?

Robert Renfield betrayed his Master Dracula and left him at the bottom of the ocean. One year later, the hunters of Westenra continue the search for Dracula, unaware of their development. Their lead agent, Stephanie Van Helsing, is suffering from mysterious visions and soon finds herself on the run after being framed for the death of a colleague. Tracking down Renfield, she is eventually brought before the Council, a group of monsters who opposed Dracula. Alongside the werewolf Bannister, the Bride of Frankenstein Evelyn and the mummy Rewer, Stephanie and Renfield find the Wisdom of Solomon responsible for triggering Stephanie's visions. After finding the scroll, they are attacked by rogue hunters sent by Stephanie's treacherous mentor Irving. Stephanie is forced to kill one of them to protect her allies. When more hunters arrive, Renfield provides a distraction while the others escape, planning to move the Wisdom of Solomon to a secure location. However, Stephanie is betrayed by Rewer - revealed to the be the Buyer - while the hunters catch up with Renfield, who escapes after learning of Rewer's treachery. Meanwhile, the captive Stephanie talks to Irving about the impending Scholomance and is apparently able to fool her captors into thinking she is having a vision. Though Irving discovers her ruse, Stephanie is able to escape, drugging Irving with the sedative meant for her. Meanwhile, Renfield and his allies plan to lure the hunters to the ceremony to stop the Scholomance. The plan works, as Stephanie, Renfield and the hunters all converge as Rewer summons an army of golems to come his aid. Renfield self-detonates C4 near a golem to set out an explosion to stop Rewer, but not before he is caught in the blast range...

Next week I'd like to post my last bit of "Scholomancer". Thanks for all the help so far - I'm actually starting to make changes from the beginning now!

Thanks for all the feedback, Mandamon, Robinski and king007. - I'm actually working on boosting the setting in the current draft right now. I've made a note to clarify the setting in the climax so you know where everyone else is. - I'm also going to up the threat level and describe what exactly is needed for the ceremony and how it's going to happen. I think I might have Stephanie interrogate one of the goons in the woods or something to get more information on the subject. - And lastly, on the subject of the writing, I think I wrote this novel way too fast. I gave myself a deadline, which was good, but I don't think I took enough time to get everything down right. I think next time I'll give myself more time and also do a surface edit before I start asking for revisions.

- I like the first exchange with the main character and Trahaern No matter what he says, he can't win. - Okay, at first Trahaern is convinced the main character is stealing . . . and then he's settling down for a polite conversation? - That said, I do like what Tahaern says about stories, especially the untold parts. - I like the faerie story's abrupt ending - at least where the main character is concerned - and how Trahearn and main character discuss what an ending should and shouldn't be. Very meta - A little confused about it raining after the sky opened. - I'm hoping this isn't everything, because I am interested where this story is going!

Very, very cool! This is definitely a story I would read. I like the overall description of Alfred's fatigue through his weariness and inability to move in general. I also liked the bit about the Phoenix, but I do feel it's kind of an info-dump. You might look for ways to spread the nature of the leaf - and the Phoenix - throughout the passage leading up to it.

Thanks smgorden - I made a note to explain how the golems work in the rewrite. I think I also need to emphasize that Rewer is a necromancer (for some reason I avoided this word in the first draft) and that he has control over all things dead. I also appreciate the critique, king007. I think I need to clean up the language in more than a few places in the novel. Thanks for jumping in. I'll be sure to give you some feedback. Don't be afraid to post any short stories or chapters in this forum if you want additional feedback - we're not (too) scary!

Thanks smgorden. The concept I had was that Rewer, as a necromancer (which I don't think I ever really spelled out in that exact term) could control the oil running through the fields since oil is basically made largely of dead organisms. I'm not sure if this is clear or really tracks, but I'm glad that the golems are definitely working. Since they are powered by oil, they are definitely flammable, which is why they explode so much.

- I really like Origon's attitude. He may not be very likeable, but he's consistent and it's also funny to see what he says next. I like that he says he's not leaving the captain anything to complain to. - I also like that he's more interested in taking a nap than learning anyone's name - even that of the captain. - I do like the bit about Origon believing his father that every star was an ancestor after seeing the diversity of his surronding. - I'd like some more description of the ball. It seems a bit vague in the beginning. - I do like how you've incorporated the magic system to be defined, to a certain extent, from person to person. - It seems there are more description of Origon's physical features - his pointed teeth, crest and feathers. It may be weekly reader syndrome, but I can't remember if that description was as consistent in previous sections or not. - As always, I'm really excited where this is going. I like this setting as well as this character.

Robert Renfield betrayed his Master Dracula and left him at the bottom of the ocean. One year later, the hunters of Westenra continue the search for Dracula, unaware of their development. Their lead agent, Stephanie Van Helsing, is suffering from mysterious visions and soon finds herself on the run after being framed for the death of a colleague. Tracking down Renfield, she is eventually brought before the Council, a group of monsters who opposed Dracula. Alongside the werewolf Bannister, the Bride of Frankenstein Evelyn and the mummy Rewer, Stephanie and Renfield find the Wisdom of Solomon responsible for triggering Stephanie's visions. After finding the scroll, they are attacked by rogue hunters sent by Stephanie's treacherous mentor Irving. Stephanie is forced to kill one of them to protect her allies. When more hunters arrive, Renfield provides a distraction while the others escape, planning to move the Wisdom of Solomon to a secure location. However, Stephanie is betrayed by Rewer - revealed to the be the Buyer - while the hunters catch up with Renfield, who escapes after learning of Rewer's treachery. Meanwhile, the captive Stephanie talks to Irving about the impending Scholomance and is apparently able to fool her captors into thinking she is having a vision. Though Irving discovers her ruse, Stephanie is able to escape, drugging Irving with the sedative meant for her. Meanwhile, Renfield and his allies plan to lure the hunters to the ceremony to stop the Scholomance. (Apologies for the length, but this is the climax of the book, with the next week the aftermath and conclusion.)

I'd like to submit another Scholomancer on Monday. By my count, I have 2-3 submissions left on the book.

- Really not a fan of the "Only a dream" opening. - I also don't like the haunted by a lost loved one. It feels very trite and overused. You might look at real-world cases of PTSD to come up with something more interesting and original. - Like the detail that Temujin was the last to die. It really twists the knife in Hellas. - And the reaction of Temujin's father makes it even worse. - I like the introduction of the Trinity as well. - It's a little awkward that the POV shifts to the Trinity after Hellas leaves. Seems inconsistent with the rest of the chapters. It might be better if we saw the Trinity's POV beforehand. - While I'm interested about Lucifer's intentions for giving him this gift, it's hard to see Hellas taking such a gift under any condition, especially with what just happened. - The plot is moving though and I'm curious what Elohim has in mind. Curious what happens next.