rdpulfer

I'd like to submit Monday if there is room. I think I have about another month or so before Scholomancer is wrapped up - thanks for all the help so far! And as Mandamon said, happy festival thing to all!

Yeah, I think I need to have Renfield have a light or something during the scene, to explain how he can see what he's doing when the hunters come in.

- Okay! I've been really excited to see this! - I like the horror of having Kang's father present as one of the beasts. Just one thing - he is the Owl-Neehut, right? You might want to make sure to remind the audience of that every now and then. - I've said this before, but I have mixed feelings on the present tense. I think it works when Kang is in the middle of the action, but it doesn't necessarily work when the action is happening to the other characters. That said, I'm very engaged and in suspense on what's going to happen next. - I really like the struggle between Kang and the phoenix' s consciousness, especially as he burns through, well, just about everyone. This passage was one of the most suspenseful among the book. - The ending hits the right beats plot-wise, but I felt it left a lot out emotionally. He barely mentions his father and I wanted something more between him and Lumi at the very end. - Overall, I thought it was a very solid, suspenseful story. It could probably be at least another 10-20k longer, but you've got the hard part down - keeping the reader interested.

Thanks Robinksi I think next time I'm going to submit my first draft to my proofreading friend just to catch more of the typos before I submit to the the writing group. I definitely need to make the hunters feel more competent/sympathetic in general. Plus Renfield can't just snatch their car two or three times in a story . . . The hunters did have night vision goggles, so that's why there were blinded by the light. I'll also put my explanation on how Stephanie avoided the Scroll this time so the reader knows she is playacting.

- What do bowled strings sound like and how are they eerie? I think it needs to be more specific to be more effective. - Haven't heard the name Gwydion since I read the Pyradain Chronicles by Lloyd Alexander. I'm interested to know if there are any similarities. - I like the whole scene with Gerri. It's very ominous since Gerri isn't responding to them. - I also like the concept of Gwydion being so powerful that he can raise a whole army - or even take a kingdom - with his song. - Yeah, "what swings between her (Emer) legs" sounds very . . . odd, especially in the context of the rest of the sentence. - Overall, I'm interesting to see where it goes from here, especially with such a rag-tag group of characters.

Thanks Mandamon! My feeling is that Irving will keep calling Rewer "The Buyer" because it reflects the formality of their relationship . . . he really doesn't want to be on a first name basis with this guy. But your point about Rebecca is right on the money - this is his most powerful motivation, so I think it needs to be the most consistent. A knife in the feet would definitely hurt . . . I think it was supposed to be in her shoe, or concealed along her leg. I also have it in the notes to explain why Irving knows so much and Westenra knows so little. Thanks again for the feedback!

The issue you might run into, chronology-wise, is that Lucifer's fall in mentioned way back in the Book of Isaiah, which was written between 740 and 680 BC, vastly predating Dante and Milton. One possible solution is that this realm exists in a separate dimension, perhaps where time moves non-linearly to the mortal coil. It might complicate your world a bit, but it would let you set the Fall of the Angel during any historical period you'd like.

Robert Renfield betrayed his Master Dracula and left him at the bottom of the ocean. One year later, the hunters of Westenra continue the search for Dracula, unaware of their development. Their lead agent, Stephanie Van Helsing, is suffering from mysterious visions and soon finds herself on the run after being framed for the death of a colleague. Tracking down Renfield, she is eventually brought before the Council, a group of monsters who opposed Dracula. Alongside the werewolf Bannister, the Bride of Frankenstein Evelyn and the mummy Rewer, Stephanie and Renfield find the Wisdom of Solomon responsible for triggering Stephanie's visions. After finding the scroll, they are attacked by rogue hunters sent by Stephanie's treacherous mentor Irving. Stephanie is forced to kill one of them to protect her allies. When more hunters arrive, Renfield provides a distraction while the others escape, planning to move the Wisdom of Solomon to a secure location. However, Stephanie is betrayed by Rewer - revealed to the be the Buyer - while the hunters catch up with Renfield.

- The opening scene is confusing. Since the main character is falling, it seems like he's falling from grace, but apparently he's just returning from a mission of some kind? It feels more disjointed, and the connection between the plunge and the character's return doesn't quite work for me. - I really like the setting. If this is supposed to be Heaven, it's certainly unlike any kind of Heaven we've seen before. - Yay! Uriel! Okay, truth be told, I'm an angel nerd, and I get excited when anyone uses non-traditional angels apart from Michael, Gabriel and Raphael. - Hellas seems like a bit of a blank slate in the first chapter. Aside from the drugs and alcohol charges, we don't see much from him but resignation. I feel like if he is acting out more, he should be acting out to the other characters. - I like that he calls out Wrathfire as a stupid name for magic. - I do like the interplay between Hellas and Scrios. This does show a lot more of the characters' personalities. - I'm interested to see where this goes, but I am worried Hellas is falling into the trope of that hard-drinking hero whose lost someone dear to him. Still waiting to see how this plays out though.

Hey AuthorityHellas! Sorry for the delay in commenting on your work. Welcome to the group! Thanks for jumping right in! I am religious (Presbyterian in fact) but I'm not easily offended. It shouldn't be a problem when reading this word. I've also struggled with religious vs. anti-religious in Scholomancer as well. - It took me a while to get the setting down in the first page, as least we jumped from the Void to Earth so quickly. - Lucifer seems way too easily caught off-guard on the third page. His jaw falling open seems almost comical . . . which makes me feel like he's not that competent. Maybe he needs another gesture - like his eyes narrowing instead. - At first I thought Hellas' body bursting into smoke was what happened when an angel died . . . I didn't know it was an escape mechanism. It confused until I read a few lines further. - The scene shift into Catherine's office was also jarring. At first I wasn't sure it was heaven - I thought it might be earth, since Catherine mentioned running some sort of battle simulation. Also, the tone shift is frustrating, since Hellas goes from being in mortal danger to reluctantly agreeing to talk to Michael. - I do like when the action picks up . . . as well as where the last paragraph leaves things for Hellas. - I was also confused by the opening battle sequence, since I would have figured Lucifer's fall - mentioned only briefly in a few passages of the Bible - still would have predated World War I.

Sorry for the delay! - The opening of the chapter feels a little too expository. It seems like you could make it cover more ground through dialogue, and that way establish that the Detective remembers the MC through dialogue rather than telling. - Do make-up have fumes powerful enough to disorient someone like this? - I feel like Lucifer needs to sweeten the pot. At this point, he's not making a deal with the MC. He's just involving him in a mutual interest. Plus, from what Lucifer says, the MC will be destined to join him in hell, so maybe if he helps Lucifer, that won't happen (or so the devil says.) - I like the MC and Daryl's conversation while playing Streets of Rage. - Now I'm really curious how the MC's turn as a "hero" affects the story.

- I liked the playful tone of the first paragraph, and really, the whole first scene. - It's been a while since I read the prologue, but I don't recall there being this much magic in the world. It might be good to add some hints of magic in the prologue, but this could be Weekly Reader Syndrome talking. - I really like Kimerak and how ominous the spirit's words are. I think it's a really effective tone shift, especially when you don't know where hr spirit friends went. I'd definitely like to read more!

Thanks Comatose. I'll try to cut out the metaphors down to the most powerful to maximize the impact - that's good note. I'll also make sure the texts are more to the point and not too much like dialogue. And I agree the Buyer . . . after the reveal . . . comes across too much like a Bond villain. I need to add more of the character's motivations and reasons for their actions. Thanks again for the critique!

I'm going to continue to be "that guy" next week with another submission, but before then, I have some catching up to do!

Thanks for all the feedback! I appreciate you jumping in here, AuthorityHellas16! I started a section on style notes just from your comments alone, and I really appreciate it (even if it means giving Robinksi more credit I think setting is one of my biggest problems when writing the first draft - I'd get so involved in the action and dialogue that I'd neglect to mention time of day and that sort of thing. It's probably the first thing I'm going to start working on in the rewrites. Thanks for all the help - I'm also glad the reveal of the Buyer was effective. I was worried it would be too obvious.

Yeah, I'm definitely going to punch up the confrontation and stakes in the rewrites. On further re-reads, it does seem the confrontation with Sophie and her vampires was underwhelming.

Thanks Robinksi! I think I need to work on my scene breaks a little more.

Thanks Robinksi. I'm glad you liked Irving and Evelyn - those were two characters I was worried about during the writing. I know Jason needs re-working - he came off, as you said, as a wet blanket, and I definitely need to make him more likeable in the next drafts.

Thanks Robinski and rohyu I'm definitely going to make sure Jason gets reworked into a more sympathetic. And as for Sean, I'm really thinking of losing him altogether. He still has a role to play in the end, but if that doesn't pay off, I'm probably going to remove him from the story completely.

Thanks rohyu! I think I'll remove the helicopter altogether. It didn't really give much pay-off, and like you mentioned, it made it seem unlikely they'd escape at all. Who did you think the Buyer was, if you don't mind me asking. I'm glad you were surprised by the identity.

(Can't believe I forgot the forum post today!) Robert Renfield betrayed his Master Dracula and left him at the bottom of the ocean. One year later, the hunters of Westenra continue the search for Dracula, unaware of their development. Their lead agent, Stephanie Van Helsing, is suffering from mysterious visions and soon finds herself on the run after being framed for the death of a colleague. Tracking down Renfield, she is eventually brought before the Council, a group of monsters who opposed Dracula. Alongside the werewolf Bannister, the Bride of Frankenstein Evelyn and the mummy Rewer, Stephanie and Renfield find the Wisdom of Solomon responsible for triggering Stephanie's visions. After finding the scroll, they are attacked by rogue hunters sent by Stephanie's treacherous mentor Irving. Stephanie is forced to kill one of them to protect her allies. When more hunters arrive, Renfield provides a distraction while the others escape, planning to move the Wisdom of Solomon to a secure location. (Apologies for the length of this submission. There's only two chapters, but quite a lot happens)

Hey, I like being that guy . . . I think . . . But as was said, if it's a problem, Silk will let you know. Getting feedback for a novel is a lengthy process anyway. I just try to keep the length of my submissions reasonable (this week not withstanding) and make a note of what strikes a cord - good or bad - with the readers.

I would like to submit next week if I'm back in time from a funeral. Also, with that in mind, sorry for my lack of comments on any of the new submissions - I will get caught up next week!

Thanks for the notes, Kammerite. I need to clarify my characters a bit . . . and refresh some gun points it looks like . . . and I definitely need to figure out the setting a bit more.

Thanks for pointing out that Evelyn flipped her position really easily. I hadn't noticed that.