rdpulfer

- I don't think I mentioned this before, but I do like the setting and that it deals with both the introduction of a magic system and the exploration of space, so I'm really interested to see where this goes. - I like that Origon's confidence in itself feels like an ominous foreshadow something is going to go wrong. It's kinda like when someone says "Too easy" in a movie, but done with much more elegance. - I would have liked to have seen a little more elaboration when Origon believes "he is the capsule". I can kinda see where you are going, but I think the point needs more illustration. - I really like how Origon deals with people. You definitely see what he means when he says he never learned the "esoteric" elements of communication when he talks to the captain. - Overall, I'm really excited to see where this goes next. The magic system seemed more easy to follow in action and I liked the suspense you built around primarily Origon's overconfidence and personality.

I will say the magic system is a bit confusing, but it's original and interesting, so I'm definitely not going to throw this story down and stomp off in frustration. I'm going to read more, whatever its problems.

- I really have been impressed with the pacing of this story throughout and so far I have not been disappointed. - I like that you put limitations on the Gwydion's horn - that it can't get everyone, and those it does get struggle against it's control. - I like the description of Ermer's massacre of the villagers. It's very horrific, especially when she's not the one under a spell. - I agree with Mandamon . . . this isn't it, is it? It seems like you've set these characters on a collision course. Not only do we have to see more of a clash with Gwydion, but also what became of everyone else, both immediately after the battle's end, and perhaps, further in the future.

Thanks Asmodemon I was just thinking about how annoyed I was with comic relief characters . . . and you just pointed out I have one of my very own. I'm definitely going to downplay Holmwood, and honestly I'm thinking about taking Sean out of the equation altogether. I'm also going to change it so Stephanie trips some sort of security feature Harker installed.

I was wondering if there was a problem when we have 11 chapters to go until the end (including the epilogue) and there seems to be a lack of urgency at this point. i have noted the disappointment with underlined and bold in my notes, so this seems like another chapter that needs to be reworked (or possibly cut altogether). Thanks for the feedback!

Robert Renfield betrayed his Master Dracula and left him at the bottom of the ocean. One year later, the hunters of Westenra continue the search for Dracula, unaware of their development. Their lead agent, Stephanie Van Helsing, is suffering from mysterious visions and soon finds herself on the run after being framed for the death of a colleague. Tracking down Renfield, she is eventually brought before the Council, a group of monsters who opposed Dracula. Alongside the werewolf Bannister, the Bride of Frankenstein Evelyn and the mummy Rewer, Stephanie and Renfield find the Wisdom of Solomon responsible for triggering Stephanie's visions. After finding the scroll, they are attacked by rogue hunters sent by Stephanie's treacherous mentor Irving. Stephanie is forced to kill one of them to protect her allies. When more hunters arrive, Renfield provides a distraction while the others escape, planning to move the Wisdom of Solomon to a secure location. However, Stephanie is betrayed by Rewer - revealed to the be the Buyer - while the hunters catch up with Renfield, who escapes after learning of Rewer's treachery. Meanwhile, the captive Stephanie talks to Irving about the impending Scholomance and is apparently able to fool her captors into thinking she is having a vision. Though Irving discovers her ruse, Stephanie is able to escape, drugging Irving with the sedative meant for her. Meanwhile, Renfield and his allies plan to lure the hunters to the ceremony to stop the Scholomance.

Thanks for the notes, Asmosdemon. - Maybe Stephanie can trip some sort of silent alarm Harker placed at the hanger? - I'm definitely going to make the washouts more straight up mercs and thus a lot more competent, so the danger level is a lot higher. - Yeah, in hindsight, Stephanie being the only one in hindsight able to make that a headshot makes Westenra sound pretty incompetent.

Thanks Asmodemon. I'm thinking Irving will just contact straight-up freelancers rather than washouts. It makes a little more sense then hiring a bunch of crazy guys. Good point on the tailing. A big part of what I need to rework in this sequence is the blocking as well as setting. Fortunately, I think if I fix the setting, the blocking will come a lot easier.

Yeah, like I said in your last response, this whole chapter needs to be reworked for pretty much all the reasons you mentioned. Thanks for summarizing everything I need to change though!

Thanks Asmodemon - I'm definitely going to rework the park scene altogether. I also agree Westenra's lack of a night crew doesn't make much sense. I am going to explain that their approach to fighting monsters is more scientific - like they believe the supernatural can all be explained with super-science. But I'm also going to downplay Stephanie's atheism in the next draft. I'll have to check at the this Irving chapter, make sure his actions make sense and he's not, like you said, covering up mistakes with more mistakes

Thanks Amsodemon - that really helps. I'm definitely going to make sure Stephanie reacts more realistically once in the "enemy" base. I think her character fits in too well in the first draft. I also like the notes on mental illness, which I'm also looking into more - and I made of note of my overuse . . . of . . . ellipses.

As I continue to be my long endeavor to be "that guy", I'd like to post a submission on the first week of the New Year!

Apologies for the confusion - I think I posted this in the wrong chapter heading, intending to put it here. - Angel nerding out again over the ranks - Principalities and Dominions - okay back to the story. - Not sure if I like that addition of the Doubting Thomas. At best, it feels like an over obvious wink to the Bible story, but at worse, it feels like a cliche. I think there needs to be another character, even if he is just a small character. - I liked the scene with the White Face. While I'm a little concerned this could make Hellas too powerful, I'm curious how this plays into the story. - Okay, the addition of Razel makes me even more interested to see Hellas' plan unfold. - I know that the setting is more futuristic than pearly gates, but sometimes I want to see how this plays out. Namely, that there's a media in the Middle Kingdom. It could be Weekly Reader Syndrome, but I was left how media looks in this world. Is there TV? - The hellspawn's appearance seemed a little out of place - like they came out of nowhere during the training exercise, all five hundred o them. It feels really hard to picture. - Overall, I liked this chapter building up Hellas' capability. I'd like to see what happens in the next chapter.

- I was a little surprised to see the mention of Norsemen. It surprised me there were Vikings in this story, but then again, the setting seems very Celtic, so I supposed Norsemen could have easily sailed there at some point. - I like the set-up - how do you fight someone who can control you with music? Really curious where this goes. - I like the contrast between Connor and Donn's approach, as Connor and his allies go to gather information, while Donn and his men stay within the confines of their base and drill, afraid of being made. - You might consider a chapter break when Gwydion finds them to amp up the suspense. - I really liked this submission. Lots of action and suspense, and you get to see the specialties of every member of the party in action.

- First off, I love the title! - How could Trahaeran be the oldest man in the county without anyone knowing his age? Are they just going off his physical appearance, or how long he'd been in the community? - When the main character encounter the dark figure, the language briefly turned to present tense. You may want to italicize these if they are direct thoughts. - I liked that the protagonist gets poison ivy (or something liked it) while sulking around in the plants. It adds a degree of realism to the story. I also liked that he uses dirt to relieve the itching. - The ending definitely feels very ambiguous, as has been pointed out already. I think it might need more of a "stinger" at the end to clarify what happened, even if you intend to revisit it later on. - I really like the cold open of the next story, as the man interacts with the swan. His reactions feel very straight-forward, like you would find in a fairy tale. - The second story felt more straight forward, like a fairy tale, and I felt the themes were much more concrete and evident than the previous story. - So the third tale is a continuation of the first story? This might be confusing to the audience. You might look at Watership Down, where fairy tales are presented throughout the story without interrupting the main narrative. - Overall, I like what's going on here, but I'm still confused. Is the story with Trahaeran intended to be a framing story? If so, I think it needs more natural jumping off-points instead of just cliffhangers every so often.

Thanks Robinksi and Smorgden! I definitely have a lot of grammar errors I need to clean up in this submission. Thanks for pointing them out! I'm also going to research third rail thing Robinski mentioned. I don't believe it plays a large part in the story, but now I'm interested to know if that works or not for future reference!

- Angel nerding out again over the ranks - Principalities and Dominions - okay back to the story. - Not sure if I like that addition of the Doubting Thomas. At best, it feels like an over obvious wink to the Bible story, but at worse, it feels like a cliche. I think there needs to be another character, even if he is just a small character. - I liked the scene with the White Face. While I'm a little concerned this could make Hellas too powerful, I'm curious how this plays into the story. - Okay, the addition of Razel makes me even more interested to see Hellas' plan unfold. - I know that the setting is more futuristic than pearly gates, but sometimes I want to see how this plays out. Namely, that there's a media in the Middle Kingdom. It could be Weekly Reader Syndrome, but I was left how media looks in this world. Is there TV? - The hellspawn's appearance seemed a little out of place - like they came out of nowhere during the training exercise, all five hundred o them. It feels really hard to picture. - Overall, I liked this chapter building up Hellas' capability. I'd like to see what happens in the next chapter.

- I like the teaser passage, but you said "one of the House of Strength", which initially made be confused if you were referring to someone from that House, or if there was more than one house. - A couple pages in, and it's really keeping my interest. I like that it's from the point of view of a fly on the wall, or rather, in the crowd, but what makes it interesting is that Origen isn't insignificant - at least in his own perception. - A little confused by how the Houses work. The opening explains that all the Houses can overcome one another, but Origen is a member of at least two Houses? How does that work? - The description of the Symphonies at work is really engaging. - Not sure if it is intentional, but "I'm a psychiatrist, not a surgeon!" sounds like a reversal on something Bones McCoy would say. - I really like where this is going, especially in the end of the submission. I'm really liking this setting, and I can't wait to see what happens next.

Thanks Mandamon! I already have it down to quit overusing a character's name once they are established. As for one of your other points, I'll make sure it's established Sean is Stephanie's uncle. She never calls him Dad to my knowledge, but that might not be enough.

Robert Renfield betrayed his Master Dracula and left him at the bottom of the ocean. One year later, the hunters of Westenra continue the search for Dracula, unaware of their development. Their lead agent, Stephanie Van Helsing, is suffering from mysterious visions and soon finds herself on the run after being framed for the death of a colleague. Tracking down Renfield, she is eventually brought before the Council, a group of monsters who opposed Dracula. Alongside the werewolf Bannister, the Bride of Frankenstein Evelyn and the mummy Rewer, Stephanie and Renfield find the Wisdom of Solomon responsible for triggering Stephanie's visions. After finding the scroll, they are attacked by rogue hunters sent by Stephanie's treacherous mentor Irving. Stephanie is forced to kill one of them to protect her allies. When more hunters arrive, Renfield provides a distraction while the others escape, planning to move the Wisdom of Solomon to a secure location. However, Stephanie is betrayed by Rewer - revealed to the be the Buyer - while the hunters catch up with

Thanks Eisenheim - those are good notes regardless of where you are coming from. I'll add that to the my list of revisions.

I'd like to submit Monday if there is room. I think I have about another month or so before Scholomancer is wrapped up - thanks for all the help so far! And as Mandamon said, happy festival thing to all!

Yeah, I think I need to have Renfield have a light or something during the scene, to explain how he can see what he's doing when the hunters come in.

- Okay! I've been really excited to see this! - I like the horror of having Kang's father present as one of the beasts. Just one thing - he is the Owl-Neehut, right? You might want to make sure to remind the audience of that every now and then. - I've said this before, but I have mixed feelings on the present tense. I think it works when Kang is in the middle of the action, but it doesn't necessarily work when the action is happening to the other characters. That said, I'm very engaged and in suspense on what's going to happen next. - I really like the struggle between Kang and the phoenix' s consciousness, especially as he burns through, well, just about everyone. This passage was one of the most suspenseful among the book. - The ending hits the right beats plot-wise, but I felt it left a lot out emotionally. He barely mentions his father and I wanted something more between him and Lumi at the very end. - Overall, I thought it was a very solid, suspenseful story. It could probably be at least another 10-20k longer, but you've got the hard part down - keeping the reader interested.

Thanks Robinksi I think next time I'm going to submit my first draft to my proofreading friend just to catch more of the typos before I submit to the the writing group. I definitely need to make the hunters feel more competent/sympathetic in general. Plus Renfield can't just snatch their car two or three times in a story . . . The hunters did have night vision goggles, so that's why there were blinded by the light. I'll also put my explanation on how Stephanie avoided the Scroll this time so the reader knows she is playacting.