rdpulfer

- The first line is awkward and probably passive. I'd rephrase it to something other than "got picked up". Also, what picked them up? A shuttle? A taxi? A limo? - Make sure to note the professor is addressing the narrator (Hank) when they first meet. Before, he's just shaking everyone's hands. - Overall, a very good chapter. I liked how you mix pop culture references to speed along the obvious exposition, establishing character and build up the mystery. - At the start, I was worried the characters would all blend together, but you've done a great job differentiating their voice so far. However, if you're going to alternate between characters, this makes this all the more crucial. So far I really like Al and Hank, but the only thing we get about Jake is that he's some sort of Biblical scholar . . . there's not much else about his personality. However, I'm still very interested and very curious to see where this all leads.

Thanks Kammerite! I'm glad you enjoyed the chapters thus far. This was probably the first time I've written an in-depth fight scene. Looking forward to your thoughts on the the other chapters.

Previously, Robert Renfield, one time minion of Dracula has gone rogue, while vampire hunter Stephanie Van Helsing suffers from mysterious visions. Stephanie confides in her partner Jason Harker and mentor Hank Irving, unaware Irving has an ulterior motive. After blacking out from another vision, Stephanie finds her boss Jack Seward dead at her feet, prompting Stephanie to flee Jason and Irving and go on the run. Searching for answers, she instead finds Renfield in an abandoned safe house. (FYI these chapters aren't very long, hence why there are so many.)

- I really like Ambrose's interaction with his sister in the beginning of the chapter. - Thomas calling Eleanor beautiful seems just a bit off. You might want to add a little more detail, perhaps about how she doesn't resemble her brother, or didn't get her brother's looks. - I agree with Mandamon - it'd be nice if we got more information on their relationship, and perhaps more sibling interaction. I also wanted her to say something more when Thomas and Ambrose adjourn to the study. ' - He hasn't seen Ele in years, says he wants her to go and then is surprised when she does just that? It might work better if he said something like "Now's not the best time . . . ", tried to make an excuse and Elle is offended in the resulting exchange. - I really liked the end of the chapter, especially Ambrose's meeting with the girl and his dazed awakening. I'm really curious where things are going from here.

- Maybe you should make a little more of the revelation of the character's ages, particularly that Norlord is 432. But I do like that Theavis is only 16. I wonder if he would be glad or disappointed by this fact. - Okay, does "former human member" mean he used to be part of the Mage Core or that he used to be human? You have so many eccentric characters here it's tough to tell. - It definitely feels like the POV shifts after the focus is on Magnus. - The attack scene is very well-paced and definitely enhances the stakes greatly. - I like the conclusion. My only problem is . . . if Theavis is the POV and unconscious . . . how are we going to know what happened to McTuggard? I suppose my question will be answered next time

- I just noticed everything is written in present tense. I'm not sure if this is what you were going for or not. It definitely has an immediacy to it, but it can also be jarring to the reader. - Are the Neetut werewolves, and if not, what's the difference? Kang has a vision of his father becoming one, which suggests its a possibility, but how does the process occur? Is it a bite or something else? You might want to establish some ground rules to increase the suspense in this chapter. - Watch out for more places to show instead of telling (something I'm presently working on in my own prose). Don't just say they "did battle" with a Neehut - describe what they are actually doing - and same goes for a description. The other soldier held captive shouldn't just be "tall" - describe what other features he has. - Overall, very action-packed and suspenseful chapter. I really want to see what happens next - everything seems very ominous so far for the heroes.

Good point about Andy, Kammerite. I think I need to work on his character a little too, as he plays a role in the rest of the story.

Thanks Robinski. I'm going to work on solidifying Renfield's motivation in the first couple chapters.

Hello Robinski's daughter! Welcome to the madhouse! This is clearly very stream-of-consciousness, which works to its advantage. Still, it does feel a bit meandering, especially when the exposition interrupting the flow. It might be a case of "show, don't tell", as you narrate the main character having to take his brothers trick-or-treating instead of just having him complain about it. What's an annoying little brother voice sound like? Okay, everyone with younger siblings knows (I for one know all too well), but what about the people who don't have younger brothers and sisters? This is a place you should describe what's annoying about their tone. Overall, it's a very strong start, and I'm curious to see where it goes. I am a little worried your character might have a little too strong of personality - he needs to do something which makes the reader care about his character one way or another, so that he's not just a teenager acting out throughout the whole story. I'm hoping that becomes more apparent when he and his brothers go trick-r-treating.

Geez I'm gone for a couple days . . . I'll post a new Scholomancer chapter next week. I had a funeral last week occupying most of my time

Thanks for the feedback. I'm definitely going to make sure Renfield has more to do in the chapters leading up to his confrontation with Stephanie. I also want to make sure Stephanie's manufactured hysteria is believable, for both her and the people buying into it. Thanks for the notes on how to make it work. A word on the currency: I think my point was Renfield spending a whole bunch of money from 50 years ago would attract attention. Do you guys think this is the case - that it might trip some red flags?

- I like the set-up from the beginning. It really grabs you with Esther's reaction to the assassin, and makes the flashback seem natural. - There are times Esther seems a little too confident, bordering on smug. You might be able to dial up the suspense but making her seem more casual and less formal in the scenes with the assassin. - You have too many possessives with the line Esther's sister's face. And also, I didn't even know her sister was there, killing much of the suspense. - Overall, very powerful story with a good set-up and a satisfying closing. There's a few places which could use a bit more suspense, but overall, I really liked it. PS - After reading Mandamon's comments, all I can think about is Firefly. "Curse your surprising yet inevitable betrayal!"

- Honestly, based on the first paragraph alone, it was a little underwhelming. It's not quite the hook needed to grab the reader. Our focus is on the hat. What's interesting about it? The Weather Control is a far better hook. - I'd replace the first paragraph with the third paragraph - or at least large chunks of it. It's a lot more engaging. - The story really picks up when the woman walks by. That's when the reader knows something is up. - Despite the slow start, it's a good story. I really like the bait & switch element of talking about terraforming and weather control all while something sinister unfolds in the foreground. Good job!

Thanks for all the feedback. I definitely agree Stephanie's chapter was far more interesting than Renfield's. The flashback to Sophie is relevant, but I do think I still need to split Stephanie's chapter up since so much happens in that one chapter. I also might kept Stephanie's realization about Irving under wraps a bit longer - so the moments not wasted like Asmodeon said. Also, good point about Jason not trusting Stephanie . . . I definitely need to re-think how he approaches this turn of events. Thanks again for all the feedback so far!

(So I'm trying something a bit different this week - I'm sending two chapters instead of one so you can get a better picture of the narrative. This submission ran a bit long this week - just over 5000 words. If it's too long to read, just let me know) Previously, Robert Renfield has been struggling to reclaim his life after betraying his Master Dracula and leaving him at the bottom of the ocean one year ago. His only allies are his psychiatrist Evelyn and "sponsor" Bannister. Most of his fellow outcasts hate him for his actions under Dracula, leading Renfield to consider fleeing to Mexico altogether. Meanwhile, vampire hunter Stephanie Van Helsing has been contending with bizarre visions while continuing the hunt for Renfield. Confiding only in her mentor Irving and her partner/sometimes-lover Jason Harker, Stephanie must also contend a big shakeup in the vampire hunting organization Westenra, which plans to hire the private military corporation Quaris to oversee the hunt for Dracula. Stephanie later finds her colleague Jack Seward badly wounded in his safe house, muttering incomprehensibly. She tries to help him, but suffers yet another vision

Good catch, Robinski. I'll be care what pop culture references I use.

I hear ya, Majestic Fox! I look forward to see your submission soon! I'm also planning to submit next week as well.

- I actually liked the bit about the tea. He seems to do it automatically rather than out of enjoyment. - This might be a little too nitpicky, but the various Essences seem too much like a fantasy RPG, like Essence of night vision and Essence of memory blanks. A general Essence of Sight or so Essence of Mind might feel a little more appropriate. - As I've noted before, I don't think your language is an issue. I really liked the action and description in this passage. Just be sure to spend more time establishing the setting. I'm having the same trouble with my draft of Scholomancer right now. - So he loses consciousness again? This might be a little redundant compared to the last chapter.

Thanks Mandamon. That's just what I needed. At this point, I'm really thinking about scrapping the first proper chapter. I have a piece I wrote for a writing exercise of Stephanie in the field hunting down a target, and I think I'd re-work that to be the first chapter, and build the relationships therein so they come into play better in this chapter. Thanks for noting what works and what to cut!

- The first sentence reads a bit weird. What is a "jar and wobbling" sound? A jar sounds like an item, and wobbling sounds too visual. - I do like McTuggard's rationale for falling from high places. - I agree the dialogue between Magnus and Theavis seems like an info-dump, with some repetition of facts we already know. - "Shadowwolves" looks weird with the two consecutive "w's". I'd recommend either splitting it up or hyphenating it. - Parts of Chapter Four seem to be a bit of an info-dump as well. - I still like the eccentric cast of characters in this. It seems to be the strongest point. The only problem is so far, this early in, they don't seem to be doing much interesting other than talking and occasionally fighting.

Hey Shrike, it's supposed to be Westenra, but I probably just forgot to actually look up how to spell it. Thanks for that catch! And I definitely don't want Jason coming off as a sociopath. One sociopath per story is quite enough To clarify the chapter's story, I'm trying to depict Stephanie having a vision, but I think I'm running into trouble on how to actually show that from her perspective. Asmodeon - thanks for catching the Elsa contradiction. It also sounds like the issue of Stephanie's child-bearing is too hamfisted - I'll definitely work on that in future drafts. I think the security is present due to the worry of vampires and the like infiltrating the company, not necessarily a direct attack. I will work on improving Sean's characterization. He is not mind-controlled . . . he's just incompetent. Royhu - I think I started using italics to show Stephanie and Renfield's thoughts after this chapter. It's the first time I've used the format, so I'm still trying to figure it out. I'm glad you like the story so far. Thanks for all the corrections!

My apologies in advance for this chapter. You guys said you wanted to know more about Westerna. Well, you're going to get it . . . this chapter is a beast, and not in a good way. It's just under 5,000 words. I'm sorry for the length, but I'm very curious what you think should stay and what you think should go. Robert Renfield has betrayed his Master, Count Dracula, leaving him at the bottom of the ocean. One year later, Stephanie Van Helsing and the vampire hunters of Westerna continue the hunt for Dracula, unaware of what's happened. Stephanie investigates a series strange visions, helped by her partner Jason Harker and mentor Hank Irving. She is unaware Irving is pursuing an ulterior motive of his own involving the vision. Meanwhile, Renfield struggles to adjust to normal life, aided by the Terminal, a community of monsters living beneath the streets of Dallas. But his time as Dracula's aid has not been forgotten or forgiven. Frustrated by his chilly reception in the Terminal, Renfield plans to flee Dallas altogether and start a new life elsewhere

- This might be semantics, but I was a little confused by using "humanoid" and "man" interchangeably. - Is it ever established in dialogue the humanoid's name is Sterling, which also seems like a weird name for a . . . uhhh . . . guy with three arms and a tuff of hair. - This is a super-picky pet peeve of mine, but I hate it when people write "ok" in secondary-world fantasy novels. It should probably be spelled out "okay", if used at all, but again, that's me being super-picky. - "his.......................................... 28 teeth - that's way too many ellipses, even for comic effect. I would say three with spaces in between works just fine. - It's an interesting world. I like the set-up and the characters, but I feel the description is a bit vague in spots. Still. I'd definitely read more.

- You used a lot of "to be" verbs in the opening, in particular was/were. These are okay for expressing thoughts, but you might try beefing up your description to get rid of the overuse. This is actually someone recently pointed out as a weakness in my own prose - "He eyed Watch Sergeant Higgens while trying not to show he was watching." Since watch is already part of the Higgens' title, you might want to try find another word for "watch". - The last time they were woken, they had been near their original target - way too much use of "they" in this sentence, makes it unclear who is whose target. - "some sort of Asian and African descent" - this seems a bit odd wording. I like that you explain the intermixing of races, but you might want to describe the woman in further detail. - I think it's a big learning curve in a small amount of space. The reader is trying to learn about what these lifeforms are doing and what the people on the ship are going through in a small amount of time. But I think it would make an awesome anthology or novel though.

Apologies for my silence. I've just finished working a lot of overtime Can I submit another chapter of Scholomancer next week?