rdpulfer

Well, I for one would like to keep reading more! It's up to you, but I think with feedback it's more quality than quantity. If you want to put it on the Alpha Readers' thread, that's fine too, but I look forward to reading this story week in and week out - I like Blacklake's connection with Judith, but I'm still not sure if he would be happy with the meeting with Sabine so fresh in his mind. Still, it's a refreshing change of pace for the characters, even if it is a brief one. - I really like the analogy of the thought coming to him like a fish brushing against his leg - it's a very vivid and unique image. - On page 16, it probably should be "They only make for more washing." - I like the scenes intercut of both Judith and Blacklake making art. It shows the differences in both their styles and their attitudes. - I wouldn't mention that omit that Judith was unconscious when she fell on the pavement. I would just say she fell on the pavement and blacked out, that way it could build suspense about what actually happened to her. - I really liked the ending message from Sabine. It definitely raises the stakes. - Overall, it's a good chapter and definitely a good halfway point. I definitely want to see what happens next, no matter where you put the rest of the manuscript.

- I like the detail about Kisare trying not to hunch, and to get rid of her slave posture. - I noticed you used "tired-looking" to describe the inkeeper and "bored-looking" to describe the guard. This seems like a "show, don't tell" case - how did the innkeeper look tired? Did he have circles under his eyes? How did the guard look bored? Was he barely paying attention? - Did Kisare use any Fruit to escape the guard station? Since the guards were so close to her, it seemed like she had to do something other than run to escape. - Kisare's self-disgust with her own attitudes is a nice touch also. - As always, I like the contrast to the sisters, and the differences in their approach towards navigating the city. - I also liked Beli's reaction to the opulence of the noble's lifestyle. - Good job setting up heightened senses with Gemeti in the previous section. It's an effective foreshadow, just like the section title. - Overall, it's a very good chapter and I really can't wait to see what happens next for either of the sisters.

- I had to admit, changing the POV is a dirty trick (in a good way . . . mostly). It raises the suspense. The reader will want to see what happens with Blacklake, and this tactic delays those answers. The main challenge will be making sure the reader can still get engaged with this chapter without feeling it's just a distraction. - Actually, I really don't have many comments for this section. I thought it was really, really well-done. It showed an interesting side to Tarquine. He kinda feels like the Doctor gone bad. I really liked his interactions with his victim. The only critique I'd offer is to make sure the beginning is tight and devoid of any ancillary detail so the reader doesn't feel cheated turning away from the suspense of the previous scene.

I thought it was only appropriate to critique Mr. Wednesday on a Wednesday. - Four years is a significant time jump between chapters. You could make Chapter One your prologue, but I kinda agree with Mandamon that it might be better just to include them in the story gradually. Maybe your prologue (if you don't already have one that I missed is a view of the sixteen year old Molly, and Chapter One starts one massive time jump later. - I really like your prose, as has been pointed out already. I like that how the mother's voice "sags" under a Boston accent and Bourbon. Good imagery. - Be sure to split your paragraphs up. Page Four is one long paragraph while spills on from the next page. This will also keep the reader more engaged. - The quick POV change to Jeffrey seemed a lot out of place, You might consider just putting it inside it's own section just so the reader isn't confused. - I liked the last line about Julia feeling responsibility for Jeffrey even if she has failed in her responsibilities to everyone else. - Overall, it's a good chapter, and really does an effective job laying out the misery of the main character's existence. I just hope we see some sort of incident soon which kicks the story off.

- Good job building the suspense in the first couple paragraphs. It makes us wonder what Rendevere and Lyliane's mission is. - Some of Rend's dialogue seems a bit overly complicated. I'm not sure if this is an intentional part of the character or not, but it doesn't have the same familiarity as the dialogue in the previous chapter. For example, "“I certainly possess a weakness for the cause of lesser odds when choosing sides for a quest.” could be boiled down to "I certainly having a weakness for the losing side." - I liked the entire scene with Kaeve. - Would the thug be confused by a look of determination by a woman he's attacking? I think something more along the lines of a look of confidence, or even a look of boredom might be better. -Overall, this was a good chapter, and so far I'm really liking where this is going.

- Welcome to the group Valthyr! - If the prologue has nothing to do with The Drop directly, I wouldn't include it. This is the first thing your readers are going to see, and if it doesn't really hook them, they might not read any further. I would strongly consider either finding a way to include that information somewhere else in the narrative or dropping altogether. - I noticed you used numbers in the prose, such as "the 4th platoon". I think this is fine as long as its consistent. - I really like the battle setting in the later section. - You seem to switch from Captain Vaughn to Colonel Colter rather abruptly on the seventh page. Even though it's on a page break, I would still include a section mark ( * * *) just so the reader isn't confused. This will also help if the page break between sections isn't there in future drafts. - Overall, I really liked the later section. The action was fast-paced and kept moving. You also set up a lot of interesting characters, technology and intrigue in the second section. i honestly would have never known you weren't a native speaker unless you had told me. This is excellent work!

- The first sentence is somewhat in present tense. You can fix it by making it "Kisare watched . . . " - Again, to us, concepts like teleportation and invisibility are commonplace thanks to various comic books and TV shows. I don't know they would be as known in this culture. You might want to use different words, even if she is just stating she was invisible, instead of having invisibility. It's a more simple term. - The same thing with mentioning telepathy. Persuasion works well though. Maybe show the guards nodding or losing focus as she talks. - I like the revelation that Fruit can allow people to sense others, and how the guards use it to spot Kisare. It levels the playing field considerably. - I like the contrast between how Kisare avoiding notice - using the Fruit - while Beli just tries to blend in the best she can with her attitude. - And I love how Beli is able to apparently convince the guard she is both a Noble and the victim of an attack. Very well done!

Thanks guys! I'm going to give it a verbal read-through tomorrow, and I've already incorporated most of your suggestions by now. I probably won't submit anything for at least another week or two, so I have plenty of time to work on it. I'd definitely be willing to submit any feedback I get from agents in a "Rejection Junction" thread (it sounds like something out of Schoolhouse Rock . . . and not a place I want to visit) throughout the process. Thanks for all the feedback!

Thanks for the feedback Mr. Wednesday. The very next chapter reveals some details about the war and where the gods are. I'll definitely try reading this aloud - that might be just what this needs. I'll also let you know any feedback I get from an agent . . . I've got a couple lined up and I'm planning to send this out while I'm working on something knew. PS - I also like your user name. I was obviously inspired by American Gods, but I have to say the short story "Murder Mysteries" was really what got me thinking about this story.

Thanks Mandamon! I made your specific edits. I'll give it another once-over to make sure I'm not excessively name-dropping. I appreciate all the feedback!

- This is a great opening. It's very simple yet very engaging, giving the reader time to adjust to this world at a relaxing pace. - Maybe a little more description on the Aerlands before you get too far into the story. What does the typical Aerland look like? This is especially easy since one of your characters is a scholar? - When Pen says "She'll show, someday, like that Aerland", it seems a little out of place. Is he reassuring himself? It seems like something his friend Dev would say. Since I was still learning who was who, it confused me a bit. - I cracked up when said says, "Shame on that. Your deafness, not your name." - Dev constantly calling Pen "goodman" seems like it could be an unnecessary quirk on his part. If "goodman" is a common term in this world, it might be good to have someone else say it . . . just having Dev say it over and over again may become grating. - I was wondering what these characters look like, especially the sisters. While a full description isn't necessary, a detail here and there about their hair or shape of their face and general body type might be helpful. - Overall, I really loved this story and cannot wait to read more. I think Pen feels like a very sympathetic character I can relate to . . . a lot . . . and I really want to see where his adventure goes from this chapter!

- There's a couple sentences you could cut the prose down to get an equal or greater effect. For example "He had promised himself that, but it amounted to a promise to her" could just be cut to "He had promised himself that." - I like that he's kind of "flying blind" in this section, not using his abilities to pick out Judith. It adds suspense while also building Blacklake's characterization. - Bringing up Anna's death again really makes me wonder if there isn't more going on than Blacklake realizes. - Sabine's appearance is awesome, especially since it is preceded by simple one-line statements. Great work! - I'm really intrigued where this is going now that Sabine is here and quite literally inside his head. I can't wait to read more.

- Oooooh. I really like the opening question. Why did this thing not attack? What were its intentions? - Good job really internalizing Willow's inner conflict throughout the scene. - I like the religious framework in the village.I just hope we see how it fits into the world as a whole. On that note, "sin" and "Scripture" have a lot of Judeo-Christian resonance. I'm guessing that's what you are going for since giants appear in the story of David as well as in some apocryphal sources. I'd be cautious if this is intended to be an original religion though, since you might confuse the audience using familiar concepts. - All and all, I think you have the beginnings of a really good story here. Willow seems like a very human character. Her actions make sense, even if we know it will cause conflicts later down the line. I really want to see more of her search for her identity and the source of her abilities.

Thanks supersoup. My beta readers didn't like the edited opening I did, which cut out this opening in half. I'll definitely look into pruning the second and third paragraphs, and also maybe cutting some of Charon's scenes (although Charon does play a small-to-medium sized role in the rest of the book). I'm glad you liked it - especially as a fan of mythology (who would be the target audience). Thanks for the feedback!

- Kisa learning to "listen" and being a "forceful" presence do not seem to fit together. I like the observation Beli is making, but I think "forceful" is the wrong word. - I liked how Beli notices Khanni's false smile. It really amps up the tension. - Is teleportation the right word for what the berries do? I know it's technically what the berries do, but in-world, it doesn't seem like the right word. How would two escaped slaves know what a teleporting it? Maybe an explanation using the language of the world would be better. -Overall, I thought it was a really intense section. I can't wait to see what happens next!

This is the novel I've been working on for about two years. I'm on my fifth draft. Here's the thing: I recently read a book about landing an agent, which stressed the importance of the opening. So I freaked out and cut the opening in half. None of my beta readers liked it. This is the original opening, and I was hoping to find some ways to make it better. Thanks in advance!

Is there any more room on the 4th, Silk? I have a first chapter I'd like to get some feedback on before I send it out to some agents.

- I agree with supersoup - I also had a hard time connecting with the characters. It could also be because so much of the story is in the past that it seems distant for Julia. This might make it difficult for the readers to engage with. - Your descriptions are really vivid and effective. Still, I would watch out for unnecessary words. Some of the sentence feel a little bit long or overly complex. - I like the way you compared the direction of the Doctor's life, as seen at the funeral, to tree branches. - I liked the interplay between Julia and Christopher, but I did feel Julia telling story felt a little like an info-dump. Just a suggestion, but maybe a flashback would make the events seem more personal and imminent to the user?

Welcome Heige! Great reading list - I'm a fan of most of those, especially Jim Butcher and Neil Gaiman I really need to read John Green . . . I watch Mental Floss every week and I have "The Fault in Our Stars" sitting on my iPad somewhere. I'm also in customer service too, though it's the much less technical side, but regardless . . . I do feel your pain. I spent all of yesterday repeatedly explaining why spam wasn't allowed on our website Welcome to the site! I can't wait to read some of your work!

- What exactly is "the favour of her employer"? Is she going to be expected to pick up more hours or something . . . more awkward? You might want to clarify it. - I know I say this every time, but what out for run-on sentences. I know this is supposed to be more a period piece, but the prose still feels a might much sometimes. I think just having the spelling and the tone of a period novel is enough. - The POV switches a lot between Blacklake and Judith. I understand why you did this . . . given what Blacklake has just been though - but it might be better to pick one or the other. I think Judith's is the stronger POV because we haven't seen much from her perspective, and it builds suspense how Blacklate will react after his breakdown. - The section when Judith hands Blacklake her portfolio. I love watching Blacklate's reaction to each paragraph, but you might think about breaking it up a bit. - Overall, I liked this chapter, since it mostly was Blacklake interacting with Judith. I can't wait to read the next one! -

- I'm really curious how one is "made" into a Noble, and I like Kisare's misgivings about the whole thing. - I like seeing them train to use the Fruits more. Since this is from Kisare's POV, we probably should see this process up close. How does it feel to balance at the top of a wagon writing her name into air currents? - I liked that you contrasted how the sisters arranged their hair . . . Beli tying her hair back and Kisare letting her's fall where it would . . . that's a very subtle characterization on your part. Good job? - I thought it was interesting that Nobles dyed their hair too, and had little more magic hair coloring than the slaves. It really shows how artificial their rule is. - I'm interested to see how Lila's daughter fits into all of this. - I'm also really curious how the abolitionist angle pays off, especially in regards to Gemeti's character. - All and all, a good build-up chapter. I just hope they get the Capital soon - the suspense is killing me!

Ooops, sorry. I meant run-on sentences

- Just a minor note, but the spacing is off in the document. There's four spaces between each paragraph where there should only be two. - Be on the lookout for unnecessary or vague words in your description. For example, instead of saying "a ray of sunshine struck where she stood", say something like "a ray of sunshine struck her" or instead of "She finally reached the edge of it", maybe "She finally reached the edge". - Watch out for look-out sentences too, like "Sare continued the process again and again, but when the sun finally came, several minutes later, it enveloped the entire area, drying up all of the mud covering her reserves back into glowing dust." - I am really interested in what your main character is doing, playing a high-stakes game with the sun itself. It's a very cool premise, and I can't wait to see where it leads. - When Sare leaps out into nothing, the aside seems a little unnecessary. Just continue the paragraph as you normally would. - I don't like changing the POV at the end of the story. It seems a little too random. You could have a section with Torin at the beginning, interacting with Sare, and then book-end the story with his reaction at the end. -All and all, I think it's a very original story. I think you just need to make sure your prose is tighter and more direct, that way it works with Sare's mission. Best of luck with this story!

- I really like the dean's thoughts, and that they seem so random and stream-of-conscious. I especially like many of them aren't even about Blacklake to begin with. - i do see what you mean by the lack of clarity. I think the parts about Blacklake's path through the campus can be a bit too specific. I think the reader is most interested in his thought, not necessarily his external direction. - Would "stalker" be a term at this time? It seems a little too modern for Blacklake. - I really like the line "It had turned him from one kind of monster to another, but one of his choosing." - The switch to Judith's POV might seem a little odd to the reader, who has only been in Blacklake's POV from this point out. You might need to bring in her POV earlier in the narrative, or show Blacklake observing her, if it's possible. - I like the conversation with Tarquine and how Blacklate fears for Judith. Good job raising the stakes.

- I like that you open on Beli's thought - gleeful that she has shocked Gemeti. It's a very good character moment, and I hope it informs their interaction from here on out. - I also like that you reinforce Beli's impulsiveness a paragraph later - seeing Gemeti as an ally even though they just meant. Again, it's a good character building moment, and helps establish her motivation going forward. - Really curious what the process of making them "nobles" entails, especially when Gemeti says "transform". - I also liked that you mention what Beli guesses is Gemeti's age range, so there's no misunderstanding part of this is just a disguise. However, you might want to add to this. What is the lifespan in this world? How old is "old"? - Good world-building in the dialogue as Kisa and Gemeti talk about trade. I also like the quote about Kisa measuring fertilizer. - I really like the tension between Kisa and Gemeti in general, and how compares to Beli's trusting nature. - Love the ending of this chapter. It really leaves me wondering just how Gemeti is.