rdpulfer

Yeah, I think it's extra-painful because I'm also looking also presently sending a finished draft of a previous, unrelated novel to agents. Whenever I look at that novel, and then back at my first draft for "Scholomancer", I constantly wonder "Did Godtown suck this much in the first draft?" But I think I'm also challenging myself to try new things - multiple POV's, third person limited, slightly different sub-genre. Like you said, I'm by no means a master either . . . but I am definitely learning. Thanks for the encouragement!

Thanks Robinski. This is all my first draft, so the grammar is going to be all over the place - along with the voice. Thanks for letting me know the characters aren't working. I'm starting to think Bannister and Renfield's adversarial relationship isn't going to make it to draft 2, but we'll see what feedback it gets as chapters go by. I think I was definitely figuring out things (and characters) myself in these first few chapters, hence some the confusion. I did want to thank everyone for the feedback though. Even if it feels kinda harsh, everything so far are things I haven't considered - which exactly what I want from a writer's group.

- Minor grievance, but the spacing is definitely off. It feels like the section breaks are four spaces, which is a little disorienting in already-double-spaced. - I would like more descriptions of the skeletons in the first passage. If he's digging up graves, what is the state of decay on these skeletons? Are they Ray Harryhausen-style skeletons or shambling corpses? - I also agree having multiple perspectives seems weird, since so much of the action centers around Alduin. - Overall, I'm very interested to see where this is going, especially if Alduin is a major character. I'd really like to see the next chapter!

Thanks Shrike! I honestly didn't know there was this much build-up in my book I really appreciate you recommending ways to fix this problem. Thanks again for the feedback!

This isn't being too harsh at all, Manadmon. I'm still trying to figure out how to build the world while also progress the story. I know things start to get moving in a couple chapters, but the real issue is will they be reading for that long? Thanks for the feedback!

Renfield has betrayed his Master Dracula and left him at the bottom of the ocean. One year later, he's still recovering from the psychological scars, under the care of his psychiatrist Evelyn and the mysterious Bannister. Meanwhile, vampire hunter Stephanie Van Helsing is still on Renfield's trail, until she has a mysterious vision. Confiding in only her partner Jason Harker and her mentor Hank Irving, Stephanie is determined to discover the meaning of these visions. However, Irving plans to use the visions as part of a sinister plan to heal his cancer-ridden wife Rebecca.

Hey Kashmir, If it makes you feel any better, all my submission have been first drafts (as has been readily apparent).

Sorry for the confusion, Robinski. I've been taking one of Dave Wolverton's writing classes, and that was a term that came up. I'm intending Renfield and Stephanie to be the two protagonists, but at the end of each "cycle" (usually two chapters from both protagonists) we see what Irving is doing to get a better idea of what the antagonists are plotting. Thanks for the critique. I'm glad Irving feels like a strong character so far - that must mean I'm doing something right

If no one else wants to go, I'll submit another Scholomancer chapter. (But if there's ever too many, i'm willing to drop out. At this point, I feel like I'm hogging the critique).

- I'm not a doctor, but I think if your bladder is making that sound, there is something very wrong with you. At first I also thought it was the sound his father was making, which was equally strange. Might want to describe the sensation rather than the sound. - Abruptly cutting off Lumi's description as she stands up is a little jarring. I know you should avoid list-like description, but this feels a bit off. - I like the line about "priorities", but I have trouble believing a guy who has to go really bad is going to actively think about spying, and in this passage, it feels like he's snooping around rather than trying to find the bathroom. I think you should pick one and write accordingly. - I like Lumi, but I'm not sure I like the way their first meeting ends. It feels like Kang probably could have excuses himself earlier, and Lumi makes it all the more awkward. It feels a little flat, and it really doesn't payoff as well as I would like. - The chapter definitely picks up when the fighting starts. I think you could trim this chapter down to his interaction with Lumi followed yb the attack. I'm definitely interested to see what happens next.

Thanks for the feedback! Irving is the contagonist perspective, so he's there to show how the villains are complicating the main character's progress, while also keeping his own motivation. I definitely don't want to hide too many things from the reader when it's 3rd person limited. Obviously some things, like the Buyer's identity, will remain hidden, but I might add a couple more details in this thread. I also need to build up my world a bit more to show where everyone stands. Thanks again for the feedback!

Here's a shorter chapter for a change! Looking forward to any comments! Previously, Renfield betrayed his Master and left stranded in a sabotaged submarine at the bottom of the ocean. A year later, Renfield struggles with mental scars left from his service to Dracula, aided by his psychiatrist Evelyn and the mysterious Bannister, who reveals there's now a hundred million dollar bounty on his head. Meanwhile, vampire hunter Stephanie Van Helsing continues the hunt for Dracula, unaware of the events that have transpired. During her hunt, she finds a scroll which causes her to go into a mysterious trance. Waking up at the HQ of the vampire-hunting organization Westerna, Stephanie tells her partner-and-sometimes-lover Jason Harker and her mentor Hank Irving about the visions, and agrees to keep them a secret.

Just posted. At first I thought you meant someone was actually going on a verbal rant against Reading Excuses . . . but this is fun too.

Hey, leave my reading group alone! (This is my first time playing, so hopefully I got it right). 9 17th Shard Discussion 13 General Brandon Discussion 14 Events and Signings 12 Cosmere Theories 16 Mistborn 8 Elantris and Emperor's Soul 9 Warbreaker 10 The Reckoners 13 The Rithmatist 10 Alcatraz 10 Writing Excuses 11 Reading Excuses 11 General Discussion 0 Entertainment Discussion 10 Creator's Corner 10 Role Playing 20 Mistborn: The Inquisition 20 Sanderson Elimination 20 Stormlight Archive 0 Introduce yourself! 0 Tech Support 0 The Coppermind Wiki 0 Interview Database 0 Cosmere Short Stories 0 Other Stories 0 The Wheel of Time 0 TWG Archive 0 AMAs 0 Tech Discussion 0 Reckoners RPG 0 Social Groups, Clans, and Guilds

Thanks Robinski! I think my script-writing habits are still working into my prose writing. I also agree about the hunters - I think I've going to dump a large portion of them in the 2nd draft because, not only are they not interesting, but very few of them (outside of Stephanie) are crucial to the plot. I appreciate all the suggestions.

It's okay, Comatose! The summer is a busy time for all of us! Submit when you can. In the meantime, I was going to submit another Scholomancer chapter on Monday.

Thanks Kammerite! I really like your point on consistency when it comes to first name vs. last names. i was just reading a book over the weekend where i felt that was an issue which took me out of the story.

Thanks Kammerite. That is the idea - since they are vampire hunters, they aren't exactly buddy-buddy with Renfield, so to them, Dracula has dropped over the map. I think I need to clarify this more though.

Thanks Mandamon. I believe there is follow-up in one of the next chapters, but I might add more in this chapter, especially if I completely overhaul the first Stephanie chapter. Larry Corriea's Monster Hunter books are definitely an indirect inspiration. I've had this idea about Renfield for a while now, but it always felt forced until I got into the Monster Hunter International books, so that gave me an idea of how to approach it. Thanks again!

- I really like the hook. It's gritty and very up close. The prose might need a little tightening. The phrase "numerous shallow pools of blood" sounds a little bit clunky. - I think the line is supposed to be "Still want to be a hero? - Should Bloody Spirits be capitalized? This could be world slang, but it looks a little strange Bloody is capitalized . . . unless this is explained later on. - There's a lot of missing words in the first couple pages. You might want look back over it and make sure everything is where it should be. - On page five, you start two paragraphs with "Something..." You might want to check it so it doesn't look redundant to the reader. - You should have a question mark for "Is he actually using a longbow or am I just delirious from the bloodless?" Also, I think you mean blood lose. - In addition to missing words, I'm seeing a lot of missing punctuation, like the example above. You might want to watch out for that too. - How is a voice musical, unless she is singing? I think you mean that its softer than the others, but if that's the case, why wouldn't the main character not immediately know the speaker is female? Overall, I liked this chapter, despite the numerous grammar and punctuation errors (which I'm in no position to criticize, given what Mandamon and Robinski find in my submissions on a weekly basis). Kind of like a Gothic supernatural horror rolled into a fantasy world. I'm definitely curious to know more. You might just need to slow down and make sure you are getting all the words in. Mistakes are unavoidable, but there were parts where the prose felt very rushed.

Hey Robinski - thanks for sharing and putting up with our comments, though I'm really worried when you lead with "Don't be mad now. I'm just the author." - i know I've said this before, but this is a section you should show, not tell. In particular, show Jack's uneasiness about relating Judith's condition and such. I think this is especially important, since we haven't seen much of Jack so far. - I do like how you handle the uneasiness surrounding Blacklake and Jack when he asks if she has inquired about him. This doesn't sound good . . . - GAAH!!!!! I was not expecting that! I do like this twist of events, and I hope you are preparing to write a sequel, which I will definitely have to read as well. I'd like to see more of Judith's reaction in the end, but otherwise, I thought this was a great twist.

Previously, Renfield betrayed his Master Dracula and left him at the bottom of the ocean. One year later, Stephanie Van Helsing and her team of vampire hunters are still looking for clues to Dracula's whereabouts. While searching for Renfield, they find Mr. Hyde, the Invisible Man, and the mysterious Bannister instead. After dispatching the Invisible Man, Stephanie is swallowed by darkness after looking a scroll. Meanwhile, Renfield struggles to adjust to normal life as he meets with his therapist, Dr. Lancaster. A wounded Bannister arrives seeking help, and announces Renfield has a one hundred million dollar bounty on his head.

I know it's early, but I'd like to submit again on Monday. I'll be gone for the next few days, but I'll be back in time to post

- I would have liked to have seen more interaction with Mrs. Walker. She seemed pretty poised in Mr. Blacklake's brief interrogation. - Nice to see the title come to play. - I also liked the line about Sabine saying she has to choose how Rutland loses her. It makes her feel very grounded, but also very desperate. - I also liked the detail that Sabine might have made Judith appear afraid just to mess with Rutland. - It's a little hard to follow some of the action, since so much of it happens within Rutland and Sabine's mind, it's tough to also keep track of what is happening outside of them. - I do like that Rutland witnessing a man give Judith CPR reminds him of his father. - All and all, a very good chapter - I can't wait to see what happens next

Thanks Mandamon! The idea is that Dracula had a falling out with the other monsters at some point, who started to feel more like canon fodder. I might have to make sure this point is driven home in this chapter. Next chapter is a massive world-builder on Westerna, more on that later. I'll also have to make sure I'm building characters with my dialogue instead of just info-dumping. Thanks again!