rdpulfer

Thanks for the feedback. It sounds like Iriving's relationship with his wife and Sean's characterization in general are both things I need to rework in later drafts - I think both have been mentioned beforehand. Thanks again!

Robert Renfield betrayed his Master Dracula and left him at the bottom of the ocean. One year later, the hunters of Westenra continue the search for Dracula, unaware of their development. Their lead agent, Stephanie Van Helsing, is suffering from mysterious visions and soon finds herself on the run after being framed for the death of a colleague. Tracking down Renfield, she is eventually brought before the Council, a group of monsters who opposed Dracula. Alongside the werewolf Bannister, the Bride of Frankenstein Evelyn and the mummy Rewer, Stephanie and Renfield find the Wisdom of Solomon responsible for triggering Stephanie's visions. After finding the scroll, they are attacked by rogue hunters sent by Stephanie's treacherous mentor Irving. Stephanie is forced to kill one of them to protect her allies. During the battle, Renfield suffers a mental breakdown and brutally kills a hunter who was planning to rape Stephanie

Yay, new blood! I'd also like to submit on Monday, as per usual.

Thanks rohyu - on re-reading the passage, I did think it was odd the predator attacked so close to her allies. I'll have to re-arrange it to make more sense. It also goes hand-in-hand with putting the monsters in more jeopardy during the firefight, since the rogue hunters were pretty easily dispatched. Thanks for the feedback!

- Daryl's disabilities might need to brought up more. I get that the main character needs to protect him, and I liked that you bring up that, from the MC's perspective, he might be coddled by his mother, but I think there should be some physical description on why he can't run. - It feels a little bit contrived that a falling gun is caught in such a way that it goes off and shoot his mother. - Overall, the prologue feels heavy-handed. I can see that such an event would be traumatizing to anyone, but it feels like the the act of defending his family has made this main character homicidal with the line "The trigger was easier to pull than I hoped" repeated over and over again. - I like the main character's voice in the first chapter. His actions seem realistic as a man who has just killed someone and he's trying to clean up the body. - Calling the address Blackstar Lane seems a little obvious. - Overall, I'm interested where this is going, especially when Lucifer turns up. I'd make sure you research psychopath, sociopath behavior and what external events can cause that behavior in people. - I don't normally read slasher fiction (with the exception of John Wayne Cleaver), but I know a lot of people who do. I like a good story though, and this seems to be a strong start.

Thanks Mandamon. I really appreciate all the suggestions. I'm glad the middle section seemed to work aside from a few word choice problems and logistics. As for everything else, it looks like I need to do a little more editing. Also, I think I decided Stephanie was the Solomonari (a term often used in conjunction with the Scholomance) . . . without explaining actually what a Solomonari is. Thanks again!

Robert Renfield betrayed his Master Dracula and left him at the bottom of the ocean. One year later, the hunters of Westenra continue the search for Dracula, unaware of their development. Their lead agent, Stephanie Van Helsing, is suffering from mysterious visions and soon finds herself on the run after being framed for the death of a colleague. Tracking down Renfield, she is eventually brought before the Council, a group of monsters who opposed Dracula. Alongside the werewolf Bannister, the Bride of Frankenstein Evelyn and the mummy Rewer, Stephanie and Renfield find the Wisdom of Solomon responsible for triggering Stephanie's visions. After finding the scroll, they are attacked by rogue hunters sent by Stephanie's treacherous mentor Irving. Stephanie is forced to kill one of them to protect her allies. (The middle chapter has the harshest content of the book. Most of the elements probably won't make it to the 2nd draft, but I'm curious what you think of the conclusion.)

I love the John Wayne Cleaver books - I'd definitely be willing to take a look!

Just wanted to let you know I'm submitting again next week.

Doh! I fell victim to Brandon's magazine vs. clip confusion! Thanks for the feedback, rohyu and Shrike. We'll see more of Stephanie's reaction to her shooting a hunter in the next chapter, so we'll see what happens there. I really need to revise the setting here . . . it was really vague, and I think the action gets swallowed by the vagueness, but I have it in my notes to make sure the blocking works better once the setting is more concrete.

- Like Mandamon, the pacing is a little slow, and I think you could either cut the first section, or use it to establish more characterization. - The bit with Diana is a little strange. It feels somehow out of place. It could be a little too matter-of-fact because you tell the reader it's a dream instead of letting the reader discover it. - I would have liked just a little bit more biographical information about the main character. I'm assuming he reconnected with Diana and had a son? It would be just be nice to show how a little more of his life as an adult. - Overall, I really liked this piece. It's very touching and compelling. Like Mandamon, I think it just needs a little more polishing and it will be a great read.

Thanks Mandamon. I agree with you on Irving using criminals. I think they will be more straight-up mercenaries or members of a rival group in the next draft, but I figured I'd see how this plays out for the writing group going forward. I definitely need to describe more of the setting. That's something I often forget to do, and I think it definitely resulted in a lot of the confusion here.

Robert Renfield betrayed his Master Dracula and left him at the bottom of the ocean. One year later, the hunters of Westenra continue the search for Dracula, unaware of their development. Their lead agent, Stephanie Van Helsing, is suffering from mysterious visions and soon finds herself on the run after being framed for the death of a colleague. Tracking down Renfield, she is eventually brought before the Council, a group of monsters who opposed Dracula. Alongside the werewolf Bannister, the Bride of Frankenstein Evelyn and the mummy Rewer, Stephanie and Renfield find the Wisdom of Solomon responsible for triggering Stephanie's visions.

Yeah, it was Bannister who came back to life, but I think I might cut that out. It's confusing and not at all relevant to the plot.

Thanks rohyu! I'm glad you are doing better. This critique really, really helps! One question: when did you get the impression Renfield came back from the dead? He's just a normal human being (well, physically at least), so I want to make sure I didn't confuse anyone with his capabilities. Everything else seems spot on with what I need to clarify. I especially liked that you suggested switching the order of the truce and the confirmation of Stephanie's visions. Thanks a lot!

Yay! I'm not alone! In that case, I'd also like to submit.

It's also good you didn't come back with conflicting thoughts on the flammability of logs, or I'd been really confused! I'll find another way for Stephanie to win here, and I think I'll have them barely escape with the Scroll - that way they don't have time to debate what to do with it. I also liked what Shrike said about using Renfield's thoughts about loneliness for building some momentum for the character. Not sure what they will lead to, but I'll definitely take a look. Apologies about the missing words - I usually give them a much more thorough proof-reading, but today I did it while being distracted by a hyper golden retriever and a clingy cat.

Previously Robert Renfield betrayed his master Dracula and trapped him at the bottom of the ocean. Unaware of his betrayal, the organization Westenra continued the hunt for Dracula. Their top agent, Stephanie Van Helsing, has been suffering from mysterious visions and framed for murder. On the run, she confronts Renfield, and is brought before the Council - an organization of the monsters who now oppose Dracula. Allying herself with the Council and Renfield, Stephanie seeks to prevent the Scholomance, a ritual which first gave Dracula his powers and could be used to endow another individual with similar abilities. At a small park, Stephanie and Renfield find the scroll containing the Wisdom of Solomon, only to be attacked by the Chosen - the brides of Dracula.

I'll submit another Scholomancer installment next week. I hope a couple other members submit as well . . . it's quiet . . . too quiet . . .

Thanks shrike76. This really helps. I've already make notes that I need to be a little more strategies in the way I split up the chapter so it doesn't feel redundant or boring. I also think I need to introduce Stephanie's memories of the park much earlier to build up her connection with it. And lastly, you're right - this feels very safe, which is a step down from when Dracula appeared in the first chapter. I'll have to find a way to raise the stakes in the rewrites

Thanks for the feedback Mandamon. It looks like I have a lot more sentence work on this chapter to add more clarification. I think the next chapter might have more details on what the Chosen are doing, but yeah, the idea is that Stephanie's memory lead her to the dragon. I need to specify that too. And I also need to completely overhaul Jason's character to make him more sympathetic and less incompetent.

- I like that you remind us who Varik is and build some tension around his role - good job calling back to that! - I also like Kang's disorientation after everything he just witnessed with his father. - The conversation seems a little awkward after their escape . . . . there is some info-dumping, but they also being chased? The presentation of the information clashes with the tension in the passage. - I like the end of the passage. I'm really, really excited to see what happens next, just as I was next week. Nice twist!

Okay, it's been re-sent now . . . with the attachment.

Robert Renfield betrayed his Master Dracula and left him rotting at the bottom of the ocean. Unaware of this development, the hunters of Westenra continue the hunt for Dracula. Westenra's top agent, Stephanie Van Helsing, suffers from mysterious visions and is framed for the death of a colleague. On the run, she confronts Renfield, and both are brought before the Council, an organization of monsters hiding beneath Dallas that opposed Dracula. The Council - consisting of Evelyn, the bride of Frankenstein, the werewolf Bannister and the mummy Rewer - decide to help Van Helsing in exchange for a ceasefire. Meanwhile, after talking to Renfield, the scientifically-minded Stephanie ponders if the events could in fact be supernatural in nature.

Yay! I'm seriously in suspense on what happens next in the Essence of Fire!