rdpulfer

Previously, Robert Renfield betrayed his master Dracula and trapped him at the bottom of the ocean. Unaware of these events, Stephanie Van Helsing and her team of vampire hunters raided the Troll Market searching for Renfield and his Master. His team pursues Mr. Hyde and the mysterious Bannister, while Stephanie successfully defeats the Invisible Man, only to be swallowed by darkness after discovering an artifact.

Thanks for letting us read this and taking our comments! And also thanks for welcoming me to the community when I first got here. I wish you the best of luck with the editing process - let us know if you need anything. Now to see how this ends! - I know I've said this before, but I really like how you've navigated POV shifts in the last few chapters. It's clear whose doing what and it adds a new perspective to the events. - Really good job raising the stakes after Aricaba-Ata is depowered and the Dyad capture Kisa and just about every other remaining ally. - I really like the reaction of all the characters to the tree's destruction. It's very somber. It's already a strong moment, but you could build on it a little more, add more description. - The slaves turning on their masters is very effective, but the arrival of the natives feels a bit more anticlimactic. I realize it's the always-late cavalry, but it might be good to introduce them sooner, maybe before the Dyads are overthrown, so you can make the most of their fall. - I like the last paragraph of the epilogue, but I think the epilogue in general needs to be a bit longer, with more payoffs for the reader. It's good that they are free, but show how different their lives are now that they are free. Overall, I think it's a great book with a unique setting and great characters. I'll definitely read it again when it's published.

I might be a glutton for punishment, but I'd like to post the next chapter of Scholomancer if it's okay.

Thanks Robiniski . . . I was thinking this chapter might need an overhaul, and your comments have all but confirmed that's the case. I'm thirty-some chapters into the book right now, and half of the characters introduced here are superfluous at best. Thanks to your comments, I now know what to expand upon (the Troll Market) and what to completely avoid (the CSI-NCIS-Spy tone). I also appreciate your tracked changes too!

- The opening section seems a little jumbled for Blacklake. First he smiles and then he almost cries? I know he's thinking about Judith and Tarquin respectively, but it feels a little out of character, at least with both extremes so close together. You might consider either eliminating one - or instead of having Blacklake cry, just have the thought of Tarquin dim his move. - I like Blacklake's rational, if not downright cold estimation of Sabine. - I also like the comparison between Blacklake and Tarquin, and how Blacklake's stocism is ultimately a facade compared to Tarquin. Good contrasting! - First Blacklake seems intent on engaging Tarquin head-on, and now he seems to be lying to Tarquin to protect Judith. I'm not sure this works, since the best way to protect Judith at this point would see to be fighting Tarquin. - Overall, a very exciting chapter, especially once the stakes are raised!

Thanks Mandamon. I should mention this is from my first draft, which I'm still working on, so I expect it's going to be rough throughout. I'm conscious of the League of Extraordinary Gentleman comparisons . . . especially with the Invisible Man and Mr. Hyde in this chapter. Hopefully, I can build enough of a payoff with them. I also liked your comments on Holmwood. I want to keep the readers' thoughts on him ambiguous, so I'll definitely make sure I don't overdo it, even if the characters themselves don't much care for him.

- Good job bringing Bel's time with the worm master to the head of the story. - I like the tension after Aricaba-Ata's attack. It really raises the stakes as the sisters' positions seems even more endangered, especially considering how injured Hbelu is. - I like the idea that Mulberries give charisma. That's a cool twist. - And again, a good job building suspense on the properties of the seeds. - All and all, this was a really great start to the chapter. The only thing I would suggest is more sensory description, particularly in the action scenes. Don't just tell what happens - describe how it feels, smells and tastes, especially in scenes involving the Fruit.

Previously, Rob Renfield, servant of Dracula, betrayed his Master at the bottom of the ocean inside an experimental submarine. Sabotaging the sub, Renfield is able to trap his Master inside as it sinks down into the Marianas Trench, while Renfield apparently escapes with the aid of the mysterious Fish Man.

I'm really looking forward to seeing how The Mathematical Bridge ends! Looking forward to it, Robinski! I'd also like to submit on Monday to post the first chapter of Scholomancer, if space permits.

This all makes sense. I'd just advise making sure this is all clear to the reader on Page 1 (and it is possibly it is and I just missed something) I do appreciate how ambiguous the Emperor is - plotting his grandson's death while thanking a woman for tea. It's a good start, but with a novel like this, I think class relations are a very central theme.

- I think the first sentence could be a stronger hook. The idea of serving tea to the Emperor is interesting, but it pales in comparison to putting potentially poisonous cherry into tea. It might be better to try to work this into the hook. - I actually live near a Cherry Valley . . . but I'm guessing this one isn't in Illinois. - I'm a little confused by the last page. First of all, Naiyu said it's not every day one serves tea to the Emperor, but both the Emperor and his sons know her by name and even go so far as to complement her. Would such high-ranking individuals acknowledge the tea server in this situation? The other problem is this seems to imply she does this regularly enough, but the opening says it's not every day one serves tea to the Emperor. - It's an interesting enough opening. I think there is enough of Naiyu's actions and thoughts to kick off the novella. I think if you wanted to show more of her character, you could give her someone to talk to display her personality and quirks.

That's actually what I'm thinking. I might change the submarine depth to be such that Renfield and the Fish Man can get out without, well, instant death for a normal human and then reveal that the submarine is plummeting down into the Marinas Trench in the end of the chapter.

Thanks for all the comments so far. I knew I had a lot of work to do on this opening. Without giving too much away, Renfield is very, very, very, very, very important to the story, and we'll be seeing a lot of him - and the consequences of the action - as the story continues. I think I went a little too much into Tom Clancy territory with the submarine. I actually did all kinds of research on DARPA websites about submarine drones, and I think I went a little overboard (no pun intended). In terms of Renfield's survival of the depth, I've read about people free diving down to extreme depths, but I know I think they had a lot more time and preparation to achieve that. So I guess need to find out how Renfield could survive rapid ascension like that - or maybe just simplify the whole thing and have the submarine above the Marinas Trench (no Comotose, not the band) instead of so far below. Thanks for so much feedback on this so far. I am really thankful for the edits from Robinksi, Comotose and Mandamon. And with regards to the "patchwork bitch", I think Robinski is on to something . . . Hopefully I'll get to post the first chapter next week.

It does feel a little like Hbelu isn't the focus in that part of the chapter. I think you could offset it a bit by showing more of their take on Hbelu's words, and his actions through the lenses of their perception, if it makes sense.

I'm sorry I haven't been critiquing as much these days. I'm adjusting to a new schedule while also trying to find time to write. Anyway, this is my new project Scholomancer. As I said in the e-mail, it's very rough - I'm still writing the first draft. I appreciate any and all feedback.

- I love the exchange with Marut and Bel in the beginning, and Kisare's suble response. Very good overview of everything that has happened between them. - Good reveal on Samsu, but I'd like to see a little more description and how this girl looks and how she acts which make the sisters believe she has been conditioned. - Ishu says "Go and party", but I feel like "party" might be too modern a verb in this context. Celebrate might be better. - I also like the interplay between the sisters when they try to "plan" their next move. I also like the emotional resonance of the scene's end, especially when Kisare realizes how little she was able to protect her sister. - I really like the line "You are all slaves of the Dyad". - Good ending, but I'm not sure I like how the focus shifts from the sisters to Hbelu. Also, keep an eye on pronouns. Since your focus seems to be on both sisters, it's easily to get confused on which sister you are talking about.

Is there room for me to submit next week? I've started a new project (which is one of the reasons I've been critiquing less) and I wouldn't mind getting some feedback on the prologue.

- Not sure if "forceful" is the right word to describe Beli. She's always been the more extroverted of the sisters. Perhaps "direct" might be a better word for her attitude in that scene. - I do like that Beli is acting more like a noble, and I'm curious if that leads to conflict down the road. - I like Kisare's reaction to the young man offering her a Cherry, and how it plays into both her insecurity and her musing about what if things had been different. - I would have liked to have actually seen more of Kisare's conversation Ligish. We don't get to see her enter into pleasant conversation with people enough - it would be nice to actually see this dialogue. - It's good to finally see what happened to Hbelu. That's a good way to raise the stakes. As always, I can't wait to see what happens next.

- I'd really like to see more of Blacklake's conversation with Jack, especially since we haven't seen as much of that character as Judith and the other supporting characters. - I do like that he decides not to read Jack's mind in order to gain his trust. The fact that he's holding back his abilities is a really cool character moment. - I'm not sure I like that Tarquin's exclusive conversation with Blacklake takes center stage so fast. Personally, I would have liked to have seen more of a mixture of dialogue between Jack, Judith, Blacklake and Tarquin with telepathy only used sparingly. I do like Tarquin's insights on Sabine though. I would definitely keep that. - Overall, this was a good start, but I would have liked to have seen more interaction between the characters.

First off, I'm sorry I missed your last submission. I've been busy adjusting to new hours, taking a writing class and writing something new, and it's only left a little time for reading submissions (which is definitely reflected in my critiques.) So without further ado . . . - The opening is a little bit confusing since Tarquin's victim is a man and Blacklake is occasionally referred to as the man. Maybe it might be a good idea to give the victim a name, to make it more personal? . - You mentioned Tarquin had experience with some of the western hemisphere's greatest thinkers . . . like who? It also might help give context when Tarquin psycho-analyzes Blacklake. - There is too much tell and not enough show in this chapter. I know a lot of it is a flashback, but you might try picking a few good images of Blacklake's time with Tarquin to nail the scene down. - I like that Tarquin notes that Sabine wants Blacklake to come with her on his own free will, but she was the one who pushed him away with her actions in their previous "relationship". - I liked the closing scene with Judith and Blacklake as well. I'm anxious to see what happens next.

- In the opening line, it should be, "They did not see THAT the four nations became fat and corrupt again . . . " - I really like Kisare's reaction to the Cherry Festival. I think at this point we're really engaged with Kisare's character and purpose, so we want to see more of the Cherry Festival in order to see her succeed. - The Dyads are awesome. Their twisted morality makes the scene all the more tense when the crap finally hits the fan, as you never know quite what they are going to do next. - Overall, I thought this was a good chapter. I liked that so far, it all seems to come down to a presentation of gifts, and given the unpredictability of the Dyads, I'm not sure who is going to come out on top.

- I like the description of Amilau eating and drinking. - I noticed you used grunted at least twice in the first page - first by Kisare, then by Gemeti. You may want to replace the second with "groaned" or "sighed". - I love . . . absolutely love . . . Beli spinning the tale of her past with Iizi. And I also like that the noble buys it because, as she points out, the best lies have a little bit of truth to them. Great job! . - As I said before, I like that we're seeing both sisters' perspective now. However, I'm a little concerned that not much happens in Kisare's story, while Beli's is so intense. Hopefully the upcoming Cherry Festival will change that, but I just wanted to mention a concern about pacing.

- "foul temper" make be an understatement for what Blakelake is feeling right now, considering what these creatures represent. - I like that Sabine is cordial to Blakelake, even suggesting she "can find another companion" if necessary. It really makes these creatures seem a bit more three-dimensional. It also makes it all the more creepy wondering what Blakelake is walking into. - I liked Blacklake's conversation with Watt, and the idea of an unpractical engineer. - Overall, I thought it was a good chapter which raises some questions about both Blacklake and Sabine. I'm really curious to know what comes next!

- I like that Kisare has to be told to keep her head up as a noble. That's one of things I like so much about this work - the consistency of characterization between the characters. - I also liked her reaction to the slaves as well, and having to stay in character while being served by the slaves. - Ooooh . . . I really like reveal about Amilanu's "slaves". That was a nice touch. - I liked the POV switches are coming faster and faster. At first the chapters would alternate between the sister, now we're getting each of their respective in a chapter . . . this is a good way to amp up the tension. - I really liked the explosive fight between Beli and llzi. -Overall, this was an awesome chapter. One thing though . . . I'm really starting to wonder what became of Hbelu, especially after llzi's cryptic response. The suspense has been building since it's been so long since we've seen this character. Not sure if this is good or bad, but I'm very interested to see what comes next.

- Maybe I missed something (blame it on Weekly Reader Syndrome) but how does Kisare know Beli hasn't been captured yet? Shouldn't she be worried for her sister after being forced to split up? - I liked the details about the Lychee, but I'd like to hear the ways Beli had in mind to use the Lychee, even if it was just a joke or off-hand comment. - Again, I'd avoid using words like "teleporation" and "phasing" because they are too familiar to science fiction and fantasy fans. You might also think, in addition to giving a different name to concepts like "teleportation" and "phasing", how are they different in your book? What makes your use of these elements different than other stories? - I really liked the short confrontation with Ilzi. - Overall, this chapter subverted my expectations. When I saw Kisare and Gemeti make it to the Dyad's, I was concerned they would immediately meet up with Beli. I'm glad that didn't happen and the sisters are still separated.