rdpulfer

Thanks @Robinski and @Gustaf Taen I wrote this in 3rd person first and then decided it read better in 1st, but clearly I still have some residual POV shifts to fix. It's clear I have a little more editing to do too. Thanks for the suggestions!

Thanks Mandamon! I appreciate the feedback and I'm glad you liked it. Just one note: like I said, this is a novel premise, so I'm struggling with the vagueness of the ending and the aliens' intentions. Any ideas how to go into more details without info-dumping?

Hey all, Long time, no submit. Tananarive Due suggested turning a novel idea into a short story, so that's what I'm attempted with this military science fiction premise I've been working on. All feedback is welcome!

- I like the epitaphs at the beginning of the chapter. The thing is, they often more interesting than the subsequent chapter. - I do like the underlying tension in this chapter, as L recounts P's actions to the Vicar, and also, as he questions if he's doing the right thing by releasing this information to the Vicar. - It's a good chapter . . . I liked the first version as well . . . and I think this one is even more solid. I just hope this leads to more action and world-building. The pace has been a bit languid up until now.

Thanks. I'm glad to be of help - I think you're really close to getting this story where it needs to be.

- I like the opening description of being inside a robot body. Very cool. - I'm interested to know what "Approval" is. Is it perhaps how the robot is controlled, because they are addicted to approval? Regardless, this idea might have to be developed and described more. - I like that the near-future setting, using existing vehicles - like the Apache helicopter - to root the story in a semi-modern setting. - Overall, It's a really solid effort. I liked the near-future setting, the military action, the bleak ending. One issue: it felt like Deborah's impact on Rowan's life was "told" to the reader rather than shown to us, which negatively impacts the impact of her death later on. I'd rather have a scene with Deborah and Rowan pre-combat rather than more back-and-forth between the higher-ups.

Hey Silk, If there's room, I'd like to submit a short story for next Monday.

- It's been a few weeks since I read the original, but the opening seems a lot clearer to me. - I like the interplay between Leama and Thepaten. - I like that the solution is a little more detailed, a little more solid. - My only criticism is the solutions - as drastic as they are - occur to them a bit too easily. It would be good if they had at least one try/fail cycle before they reached that part. - Otherwise, I really like this story - and the conclusion.

- Maybe this is part of the plot, but usually a sycophant isn't the one wielding the power in the first place. - Flowing skirts don't sound by themselves to be necessarily cumbersome in battle. You might mention if they are thick, or particularly ornate, or something that would interfere with combat. - I do like Landon's observation about the Vicar - and the lack of security. - I'm intrigued by the possibility the enemy had inside help. - Landar's reaction to war monuments being looted seems a bit much. - I liked this chapter. A lot happened, and it was interesting to see the court politics with the Sub-Vicar. Definitely curious how the training goes from here.

- I like the opening, and how it launches you into the story. - I also like Venorient's thoughts while talking to David. Good job keeping his motivation clear. - "Hope? Do you not believe in that?" - this line feels a little out of place, at least in how the sentence is worded. - Rune's entry into the story is a little too abrupt. There's not much description or anything - it's just her arguing with someone with little lead-up. - Tsaph taking down Rune and Venorient is anti-climatic, because it's very short and it's from her POV. Also, she runs her sword through both of them? - I do like the ending, though I agree it returns a little more explanation.

- Good start - I'm really engaged in the plot. There are a few places that seem too "tell-heavy", like when Ed says he associates the walls with the cancers of the crew, which could use a bit more detail. - I like that you also set up how competent Ed is with dialogue. That said, I don't like that the older mechanic goes on to expound about his motivations . . . that he "choose" to be here" . . . that seems a bit too much, and it'd be better for Ed to just come out and say rather than have someone sing praise to it. - Otherwise, I think this is a really great start and I'm really curious to see where this goes.

- I like the opening. Definitely curious where this is going. - I've never broken a rib . . . but wouldn't you know pretty quickly if you had broken a rib or not from the pain? - I've never broken a lock either (I've clearly lived a sheltered life), but maybe you could find some other way for the protagonist to circumvent the security measures? If you do have to pick locks, they do make kits for you to practice on - https://www.amazon.com/Looching-Crystal-Padlock-Professional-Practice/dp/B01KSPBDEI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1501545326&sr=8-1&keywords=Lock+Picking+kit - Very curious to see where the rest of this goes. I like the pacing and the description. The action scenes really work for me. Anxious to read more!

- I like the description, but the pacing seem to be too relaxed in the first couple pages. - I like the easygoing conversation between Jaimar and Petro. - I also like that Petro makes a sucking sound - it's an interesting quirk, and the advice he got from his uncle sets some potential character development. - Some interesting tidbits with the Essence. I liked this character and this story, but I feel the story is moving too slowly and I'm not sure where it's going.

- The notes are interesting, but I can't help but feel it's a little more "tell" than "show", especially where Trebor is concerned. - Why does Trebor call Estira "Father" later? It feels a bit too formal. I like when he calls him without the honorific the first time because it denotes the bond between the two men, and without, it feels a bit more cloistered. - Trebor's explanation for beating his kids falls short. I'm not sure how you could justify it, but I think it needs to be something a bit more heatfelt. - I really, really like everything afterward. This is a good story - the setting and the concept really engaged me. It might need a bit more tweaking, but its a good start.

Welcome to the group, Blaine! - "He was right there" . . . I like the opening, but this feels a bit too conversational. You need to establish the setting a bit more and avoid generalizations. - The dialogue between Ben and his father really throws the reader into the middle of it. I get that Ben is mouthing off out of frustration and anxiety, but it doesn't feel very realistic, since his father really doesn't say anything that sets him off. - i don't think Ben would be so defiant if he was also terrified. We're not really seeing this in his behavior - other than his unwillingness to put his feet on the desk - we're just being told this. - "With body armor improving rapidly, hand to hand combat was becoming a larger part of war." This doesn't quite work for me. If body armor was improving, why would you engage in hand-to-hand combat? What weak point would body armor have that could be exploited via close quarters combat? - Zack does a little too much "mustache-twirling" for me. He comes out of nowhere and is just evil for the sake of evil. Maybe build up whatever he's thinking revenge about prior to his inclusion? - The action is very good. It's what I like best about this story. But I think for a chapter one, it's a bit all over the place. It just throws the reader into the story, and not necessarily the most interest part either. It needs a bit of reworking to get to know this character, his relations, and the world he inhabits - and maybe this needs to happen gradually instead of just in chapter one. Hope this helps!

- It seems a little weird such prejudices against magic exist in this world, given that the (fake) Queensguard openly approached her last chapter. This might require some explanation? - I like the captain's proclamation about alligators, but would alligators really be a problem for a boat that size? - It feels a bit like information overload with news of Sorin's mother and the Queen. This revelation might need to be spaced out a bit. - Overall, I like the rest of the chapter. The description is strong, and the chapter moves a clipped pace.

- Okay, I love the first line. I think what I like more than the profanity, is that is uses all these fantastical term and nouns . . . right before instantly subverting that expectation. - I'm really curious what he has to tell her. The conflict works, and the suspense is really good. - I'm also a bit confused by the ending. I feel like we haven't seen enough of this world between these two characters, so I'm a little confused about the situation. I think it needs to be fleshed out a bit more.

- This is new to me, and I really love the opening. My first thought is "what kind of bones are those", and I like how you weave the answer into the description. - I get the main character is excited about finally becoming an alchemist, but it still feels a little bit more like telling rather than showing. - I like the action . . . the loss of Mother's house . . . but I think this chapter might be a bit too long. It might be better to end this chapter with the explosion, and then follow it up with Sorin reacting to it's loss, and establishing what the loss means to her. That way it doesn't feel like anything is tacked on.

- I was a little confused why Willow was capitalized. - The wagon driver tells stories, but it feels a bit weird we don't get to hear any of them, especially since this could be an excellent opportunity for world-building or foreshadowing. - I agree with kais - the chapter seems to wander a bit. It's well-written -there is strong description, particularly in the beginning, but I don't feel like the character is moving towards anything. It might need a bit of cutting, just down to the essentials.

- Good description. I like that you are really setting up this character's situation and building sympathy for him in the first page. I'm very intrigued. - Interesting detail about the sawdust, and the burning. Again, I'm very interested where this is going. - I'm also interested in this religious you are building, and the idea of elixirs as some kind of "miracles". - "Any medium, no matter how weak, dies mere seconds after consumption," Should it be no matter how STRONG? - Overall, I'm very curious to see where this is going. I like the idea of these experiments being offered as a means of salvation. I definitely want to see where this is heading. - Trebor's crimes are the only thing that hasn't been covered much .He apparently killed his own daughter, but he really don't know the circumstance or if this is a character we should be sympathetic for or not.

- "Once upon a time" obviously evokes a fairy tale. So the reader is either going to expect a traditional fairy tale, or some kind of subversion. I didn't really get a sense of either from the opening paragraph. - "Viking-esque" and the age range of the main character doesn't really work for me either. - "IT'S TRADITIONAL." It feels like this is a response to a joke I didn't catch. - Okay, I see why "tradition" is a complicating factor in this story now, but I still think it needs to be woven into the dialogue a bit more. - It might be good to introduce that ice dragons do exist - and what they are capable of. - Overall, it's a good story. It needs some tightening and expanding here and there, but it's definitely a good start.

- Rilian and Quirk? This is the crossover I've been waiting to see! - I really like the line "This isn't wresting! This is flailing!" - Overall, really good job getting the character voices done - especially Quirk's.

- Saying Lyra's father "relied on orders" doesn't really make him sound that competent, any more then having experience watching people die. I understand Lyra is totally unprepared for this situation, but you might want to find other reasons for it. - "If we put up resistance, maybe they'll get bored and go somewhere else." Okay, this is a really funny line . . . if it's made to be funny. But in the middle of the current situation, it feels very serious, and doesn't quite fit. - I do like the last line of Chapter 3, and in general I like to see how Lyra is reacting to everything. - One general note: the characters - in particular the Xirans - seem way too forthright, telling their names to the people they are invading and even apologizing for their character faults (in the case of Lady Ashaya). I like that you give them personalities, but it seems a bit . . . weird.

- I'm not sure I like the idea of detachment. Personally, it feels kind of boring. After all, if a character doesn't seem to care about what's happening, why would we? Also, the spiritual aspect is a bit troubling. It feels like a stereotype. It feels more realistic if there was something in her past that made her act this way - that even her friend doesn't fully know about. That could be interesting, but requires a lot of character development to explore. - Personally, I wait until all the edits are in before I start. I figure this is best since I'm not sure what ripple effect an edit might have. I just use this opportunity to think about how to fix the problems and what future consequences they might have.

- I like a lot of the description in the first couple of pages. Good job setting up the scenes, even if not much happens. - "Get you blokes anything?" This feels a little out of character given the South American setting. - I like the set-up, and Quirk's character. It's a little slow going, but the dialogue makes it fairly breezy.