Mental Health Awareness Month 2021

[Tesh]

Happy May, everyone!

This last year has been... Crazy, to say the least. And yet here we are, going for another round of this!

For those of you who aren't aware, May is mental health awareness month. 

This is my fourth year doing this, and over the past four years I have come a long way in terms on my own mental health. My depression has lessened significantly, with occasional days of it coming back in full force, my anxiety has worsened significantly especially as this school year is drawing to a close. My derealization has remained very consistent for the last four years, and I also am now fairly certain that I am on the autism spectrum. The knowledge of ASD that I've gained over the last few months has explained so much about me, that, well,  being me is a much better thing to be than it has in times past.

Beyond just my own personal experience with this, mental illness has greatly impacted every member of my family in various ways, and because of this I feel very passionately about this subject, and want to, in this small way, show support to people who have been affected by this.

Alright, enough about me.

To show support and awareness this month, I'd encourage everyone to turn their profile pictures green! The past few years it has always been amazing poking around the forums and seeing how many people are green.

Also, please feel free to share your own experience with mental illness, or share your support for others in this thread. Have discussions, and know that you are not alone. Don't feel obligated to participate in this way if you don't want to or if it makes you uncomfortable. This is just an opportunity for people to share, and to have their voices be heard.

And thanks to @Knight of Iron for reading over this for me before I posted it.

If anyone wants a specific Cosmere symbol or something for their profile picture, just let me know and I can make a green one. There is also a green 17th Shard symbol floating around somewhere from previous years.

Edited May 2, 2021 by Tesh

[Zephrun’s Imperium]

Oh, boy. I thought about posting here last year, but despite my frequent panic attacks and feelings of worthlessness, I didn't feel like I had any authority to. I didn't have any diagnosed mental illnesses; if I posted, I would be undermining the experiences of other people with real issues.

Now that I've been diagnosed with OCD, plentiful sensory issues, and might be getting a bipolar diagnosis soon... I feel a lot different about that.

I've been through a lot this year. Switching medicines, self-harm, binge eating, intense feelings of hopelessness and suicidal thoughts, losing all motivation to eat, move, draw, or keep living. Over the last few weeks, I've missed more days of school due to mental health than all the days I'd taken off for it before combined. And quite honestly... I'm... not getting much better. I'm rarely happy. I have a hard time staying focused and I'm exhausted all the time. I don't like myself and my anxiety keeps my from doing LOTS of activities. My body temperature is unable to stay constant; one moment I'm sweating, the next my teeth are chattering with cold. I feel weak all the time, I shake a lot, sometimes I can't hold a pencil. My mood is erratic, any happiness can darken and die within moment.

And yet... I'm still here. And if you're reading this, you're still here too. On January 9th of this year, I was feeling particularly depressed and I wrote something like this for myself. I really hope it means something to the rest of you struggling. I love all of you guys. 

Quote

So, you’re depressed. Hugs, honey. All the hugs in the world. I’m so sorry you’ve been brought back to this state again. I know how much it hurts. In fact, as I type this, I’m in that state myself. I have not eaten in six hours because they’ve been installing a fridge upstairs and I’ve been too anxious to go up there. I have food on the way - ingredients for the creamy chicken noodle soup that I love to make - but when I went upstairs to request it, my baby sister's crying sent me downstairs and sobbing. I took a shower a bit ago because I was feeling cold. The shower hasn’t been draining well lately so I waited until the last moment to turn the water on and get in. When I did get in and shut the door behind me, the initially cold water just broke me down hard. But when it finally warmed, it felt like a warm hug and I really needed that feeling to remind me that I am not alone. I suspect if you're reading this, you need it too, so allow me to try my best to say what needs to be heard. 

If I had anything to say to you right now, darling, it would be this: it will get better. I know that can be hard to hear (I'm not a cynic, oh today's just not my day. I've tried to spin it bout a thousand different ways, but from every angle, oh, the outlook is the same, I swear that I'm not a cynic, my glass just has no water in it today) but the truth is… you’ve been through this a hundred times and you’re still here, fighting.

A quote from my dear Raskolnikov (Crime and Punishment) that I find appropriate: "Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on this earth."

Sometimes your brokenness doesn’t feel beautiful... but it should make you remember how strong you are. You are a hero and you can’t give up, dearest. You’re too important, too loved, and have too weighty a purpose. Your suffering is not for nothing. There are plenty of people around you who go through similar things and because of your experiences, you can help them and empathize with them on another level. It's dark for you and since you know that darkness, you know just how to light it. It's really no wonder that the people who hurt most are the people whose help is so meaningful.

If I may recount another quote I stumbled upon one day: "If you have been brutally broken but still have the courage to be gentle to other living beings, then you're a badass with a heart of an angel."

If you can feel love for someone in your darkest moments, then I really hope you can manage to feel some love for yourself. You deserve it. Truly. All that you’ve done might not seem like it’s enough and the road ahead might seem pretty long and hard, but you’ve come so far already and you should be proud of that. And if you truly can’t find any love for yourself… then I promise you, there are countless people who love you more than you can know. I’ll refrain from listing some myself—I'm sure you could do that on your own—but please, go seek out some love from them, cuddle in some blankets, rub your feet, write a list of things you love about yourself, watch a show and, most importantly, remember: I love you.

Let me just reiterate how much I love each of you. I hate to see y'all hurting ever and you mean the world to me. Please, please, please, feel free to DM me if you need it. A lot of people can vouch for me being a fabulous person to chat with and rant to.  *long sigh* It's May, it's spring (at least for those of us in the northern hemisphere) it's almost the end of the school year. We can make it. After all; We're still here. 

- Star 

PS, I have some great depression-fighting songs: 
Head Above Water
King 
You Are Loved
I Know What You’re Made Of
Flares

Edited May 1, 2021 by Shard of Thought

[Vapor]

I've been sitting on this thread for a while figuring out what to say. 

But I still don't know what to say.

I've had depression and anxiety for a while now, and whenever things seem to look up they just sink down again. I'm not sure if I have some inspirational story or something to share, but I guess I'm just thanking people for talking to me and always being there.

idk

Edited May 2, 2021 by Vapor

[Frustration]

I'm on year two now.

No my pfp has not changed

yes it is the same one I had from last year.

[AonEne]

Hi again, folks!

So yeah, I've been diagnosed with depression and social anxiety for a while now, plus ADHD. This last year I've also finally gotten diagnosed with OCD, which I've been pretty certain about for a few years now, so that's fun. Great to be able to say "yeah, all this stupid crap is definitively from OCD" but a bit sucky to also be, y'know, dealing with the crap.

Life is hard. You're going to break sometimes, and you'll think you can't make it. Maybe that others don't want you to; maybe that you don't deserve to.

You're storming wrong, kiddo. You deserve happiness.

You deserve not to hurt.

You will make it if you hold fast to life and keep going. That holding on doesn't have to be with a smile. You can take breaks along the way. There are other people here to help you; we are here, no matter what you think you deserve, and we're not scudding leaving.

Sometimes you won't want to continue living. That's understandable. But you should do it anyway, because things will change. They will get better. And then worse again...and then better again. The sadness won't vanish. The emptiness won't disappear. The terror and pain and confusion aren't gonna stop.

But neither will the joy. Neither will the love. Pain will come, and people will follow to make it better. You can find things to do. You can find things to love.

Don't leave us all without finishing the cosmere, friend. I'd miss you so very much.

~

On a slightly different note, if anyone on the forums deliberately attacks you or makes you want to live less, let me or another mod know immediately. We will put a stop to it.

More thoughts to come later, maybe.

[Honorless]

Sup, my fellow depression and anxiety crew! The anxiety part is new, btw, well not actually new but recently discovered and it sure does explain quite a few things. Had two anxiety attacks, haven't had any since, so I think I'm doing better. The Corona crisis certainly isn't helping. I was supposed to be in college for my Masters now but things got delayed because of the crisis and because my own physical & mental health took a toll. A lot of personal issues also cropped up. C'est la vie, I guess. The physical health issues I had were some heart & respiratory problems (thankfully none of the very bad options turned out to be true, but what a scary time they had picked to happen! This was back in the summer of last year... Wow, it's already been a year since this pandemic started) But hey I'm physically in working order again. Well, except my ear canals are blocked again and the ENT said some ppl just have that issue more often than others and I'll just need regular visits. Fun. Also dealing with wisdom teeth, apparently gonna take months (maxillofacial surgery, esp for top right one) Fun. (Also, where is the wisdom in wisdom teeth and what am I supposed to do with them? Put them on a necklace? Huh, now there's an idea) Ugh, but they're just annoying things. Oh, I'm finally starting to exercise again, already feel better on that front actually. There, that's the most positive note I could end on but I didn't have a lot to work with, hopefully everything works out. Thanks for the venting & sharing space, and hope everyone else here manages to make things work too.

[Rebecca]

Thanks so much for doing this again Tesh, I think it’s awesome for everyone to be able to share their stories here. If anyone is interested, here are the green 17th Shard symbols.

Spoiler

I did not make these, I just have them saved on my device from previous years.

[Jaywalk]

Hoo, boy, here we go.

To say that the last year has changed me profoundly would be an understatement. This year brought some of my darkest moments, but also some of my brightest.

I’ve yet to be officially diagnosed with anxiety, but I don’t think you need a diagnosis to know that something is very, very wrong. Like with a physical ailment, you see the signs, deal with the pain, all before you see the diagnosis. I had my first major anxiety attack in November of 2019, and both before and after, I’ve had this weight on my mind. It never leaves, and at this point, I don’t expect it to. I almost can’t imagine my life without anxiety.

A year ago, I was stuck in my house, seeing pretty much nobody but my family save for over video call. I felt so alone at so many points. That didn’t change when I was able to see people again either. I can feel alone in a group of people, even if they are my best friends. My anxiety whispers that there is nothing but loneliness. The first day of school came, finally back in person, and I slipped into the background, thinking that nobody noticed me.

This fall, I’m headed off to college. My anxiety is almost overwhelming when I think too much about it. But I’ve learned to find strength from others. Serving others has a power in it—when we turn our hearts outward, looking for the people who need help, we receive help in return. I have incredible people in my life, from my parents to my girlfriend to all of my best friends—they bless my life every day. I recently started therapy, and that has allowed me to find strength in myself as well.

My message to you all: There is hope. Even in your darkest moments. Without the darkness, there could not be light. Find strength, wherever that may come from. There is no one size fits all treatment, but there is power in enduring. Enduring is a battle that lasts forever, but it’s a battle worth fighting. Never forget that.

Fight that battle, and come out the other side stronger than before.

[+JesterLavorre]

It’s so great of you to do this, Tesh. I don’t have an diagnosed mental illnesses myself, but I have close family who do, and it’s always great to see it recognized.

You are all amazing people, and I wish all the strength in the world to you.

I don’t know some of you enough to give the sort of specific support I would like to, but I’ll do my best with those I do.

@Shard of Thought, I hate seeing you hurting, too. That letter to yourself is maybe one of the most sad, but also wholesome and uplifting things, I’ve ever read. And it’s because you’re so genuine and real. And because I care about you. We’re a fantasy community here, and we read a lot of sad things that happen in fiction. Characters who go through horrible things. But you may be living through that in real life, and I hate that that has to happen to anyone. But I know that, just like the characters we all love, you will persevere and come out better for it, and that’s because of the kind of person you are. You’re fierce in all the best ways, and both you and your friends are lucky for it. You won’t let this get the better of you, and neither will we.

@Tesh, you are a genuinely amazing person. I am constantly happily surprised every time I learn something new about you. I’m not generally into musicals, but your unbridled love of them makes me happy every time I see you talk about it. And the same goes for all your other passions. I’m so glad you’re coming to learn more about yourself. It’s always great when we can discover something new about who we are, or have what we’ve always know validated, and I hope it helps you deal with all the challenges you will have to face. Now and in the future.

@Vapor, you don’t have to say anything, if you can’t put it into words. I understand that. But I do want to say that you are a sweet, kind, and strong friend. I say that as, I hope, a friend of yours, and also I’m sure for all of the other people who care so much for you. We are lucky to have met you. I want to give you a hug so much, if only to show you how much you really do matter. Every interaction with you, I have come out happier for it. 

 

[Eluvianii]

Well, another year. I don't really have much to say this time but I want to stress this point as much as I can, particularly for new people. We are here for you. This is one of the most welcoming communities you'll ever find and if you're dealing with something, anything that you need to get out of your chest, you can talk to any of us. Mental health is not an easy subject and it's still common to disregard it as unimportant. Feels weird to say it in the middle of 2021 but a lot of people still see things like depression and axiety as normal, and that if you have them, you just have to grit your teeth and keep quiet. I have a friend who's life would be a lot easier if his family took his mental health a little more seriously.

Know that you don't have to grit your teeth, that's what this thread is for. We don't only talk about books and share memes. If you want to share experiences you're in good company. If you're scared of telling your family, I know the fear, but that step can make all the difference. And if you only need an ear to listen, because I know simply talking can help sometimes, well, you have all of us. Pick the friendliest looking person, I'm sure they won't mind.

[Draginon]

I went through some pretty bad depression over the past year. I can normally handle it during a normal year because I can distract myself with something fun and enjoyable to do or look forward to. Well with travel being so restrictive over the past year I got days where I was just going through the motions and not enjoying myself at all. I’m not even the kind of person who can handle doing only going to work and going to the house to sleep so it took it’s toll on me and I got into burnout city. It got so bad I actually hit a mental wall and just couldn’t continue doing any work the day it happened.

Then the time came for contract renewal and as soon as my mother made sure I clicked yes for returning something broke in me and I ended up sending a big text to our supervisor about how I was feeling because I needed to get it off my chest because I just couldn’t hold it in any longer. The first thing she did was contact my mother, we work together so it’s not exactly a privacy issue, and we talked things through though I don’t think she took my depression concerns seriously since I told her that when I broke I just felt like things would be better if I just didn’t wake up and while she appeared sad in the moment she didn’t say anything to dissuade the problem just brush it under the rug like it’s an ignorable problem instead of something that needs to be fixed with therapy.

——————

I saw this on the news this morning and last night and it’s relevant to the topic.

The police in a town nearby had shot a man who was coming at them with a knife, as in full on attack them, and standard protocol is to shoot someone who is being dangerous. People are having a problem with this because the man apparently had a mental disorder and thus ‘couldn’t possibly pose a threat’. So why is it considered okay to attack someone with intent to kill as long as they’re mental but if you’re of sound mind suddenly it’s not? I just don’t understand the logic that mental handicaps prevent you from being a threat to anyone even when you’re brandishing a knife and running towards someone to shank them.

[Orlion Blight]

@Draginon To your last point, it's an oversimplifcation/simplification of a legitimate concern. Basically, you might have, for example, a neurodivergent individual have an interaction with some cops who does not understand what compliance the cops are demanding, which (because the cops don't recognize what is going on and aren't trained in how to handle it) can turn into someone getting hurt.

In the specific example, though, that is not what is happening.

On the main portion of your post: hopefully this year will be better for you. It sounds like being able to have periodic change of scenery/habits helps you deal with the burdens of your normal life. Hopefully your mother will be supportive (at the very least in her way), she sounds like my father who simply does not have the capacity to think about what mental health is let alone address the mental health concerns of others. 

[Tesh]

8 hours ago, Draginon said:

I saw this on the news this morning and last night and it’s relevant to the topic.

The police in a town nearby had shot a man who was coming at them with a knife, as in full on attack them, and standard protocol is to shoot someone who is being dangerous. People are having a problem with this because the man apparently had a mental disorder and thus ‘couldn’t possibly pose a threat’. So why is it considered okay to attack someone with intent to kill as long as they’re mental but if you’re of sound mind suddenly it’s not? I just don’t understand the logic that mental handicaps prevent you from being a threat to anyone even when you’re brandishing a knife and running towards someone to shank them.

I actually have quite a bit to say on this issue, from both the law enforcement perspective and from someone who knows quite a bit about mental illness, but I don't want to discuss it here for risk of the discussion becoming too political. If you would like to talk about this, though, feel free to PM me. It's both a very important issue and an interesting one.

[Draginon]

@Orlionra If it was a case of someone who had a mental disorder that made it hard for them to take care of themselves or to understand others my opinion would be different.

That’s kind of the problem with stories like these, the news only says the guy was ‘mentally handicapped’ which could mean anything. They also didn’t give much detail but from what I can tell they were responding to a call in the area and he came at them so quickly with a knife they didn’t have time to assess the situation outside of a ‘self defense or get attacked’ scenario. The family tried to make it out as it being obvious he was disabled during the attack but when it’s that quick you don’t have time to tell by looking at someone if they have a mental disorder or not. All they could assess was a man was brandishing a knife and running at them leaving no time to think about his mental capacity. In this story all he could’ve had was a learning disability like ADD or ADHD instead of one of those judgement based ones that I don’t know the names of, but with the news simplifying it we can’t tell if it was justified self defense on the officers side or just an unfortunate accident that could’ve been avoided.

Yes, getting a change of scenery does help, though if it turns out to be something that I just don’t like it doesn’t really help. My mother is a strange duck when it comes to mental health. She knows about the struggles of them to the point that she signed up for some autism newsletter but for more problematic ones like depression she doesn’t seem to take them seriously. I’m one of those who is more understanding to serious ones but the social related ones I have more a problem being patient with since it gets to where I don’t want to be around them after a few minutes.

[Draginon]

1 hour ago, Tesh said:

I actually have quite a bit to say on this issue, from both the law enforcement perspective and from someone who knows quite a bit about mental illness, but I don't want to discuss it here for risk of the discussion becoming too political. If you would like to talk about this, though, feel free to PM me. It's both a very important issue and an interesting one.

If you want to PM me go ahead.

[FriarFritz]

19 hours ago, Draginon said:

If you want to PM me go ahead.

I would be interested in that PM too

[Emi]

hmm... so I guess I didn’t know what to say earlier, but I am here now. As a lot of you may know I have a lot of problems with like self esteem and generally a lot of other problems related to that and to the fact that I can’t control myself and focus on important stuff. I’m getting better now though mostly thanks to the amazing @Vapor. You are the best and for sure not useless, I feel so happy whenever I can talk to you  

[Vapor]

no u

[TheOnlyEdgedancer]

I am going to change it..

I know that Autism isn’t that much related to Mental Health, but did anyone watch the Color The Spectrum live stream with Mark Rober and Jimmy Kimmel?

I think that this month has a great significance to people. Even some of the characters from Brandon’s books have mental health. I am glad that it is recognized, because some people have it harder then the rest. Wether it be depression or anxiety, we should all be aware of it. Happy Mental Health Awareness month!

Edited May 12, 2021 by TheOnlyEdgedancersss

[Maddie The Survivor]

Well, my profile picture is green! 
 

@TheOnlyEdgedancersss Yes, I did watch part of it. I never finished it. 
 

I agree, I think most people over look this month and think nothing of it. For those people who fight depression or other mental illnesses, I look up to you. While, I have never had depression before, I have had anxiety. Like I said all of you guys who have mental illnesses you are true troopers, nothing less, but much more! Just remember that there is always someone who loves you and wants you to succeed!

[Argus the Awful]

I'm glad that all of you took the time to appreciate these problems. A huge problem of society is that we kind of send stuff like this to the back of our priorities, all it takes is a little help and telling people that they are not alone. I do not have a diagnosed mental illness but I do recognize that some people have to fight against their mental illness every day. To those of you who experience this, I give the utmost respect. Happy Mental Health Awareness Month!

[Tesh]

9 hours ago, TheOnlyEdgedancersss said:

I know that Autism isn’t that much related to Mental Health, but did anyone watch the Color The Spectrum live stream with Mark Rober and Jimmy Kimmel?

I personally did not. There are... Quite a few issues with it, actually. One is that none of the people who helped out with it were on the spectrum themselves (or at least that information wasn't available to the general public before that time). Another is that this organization that they were raising money for has, in the past, partnered with this organization called Autism Speaks. There are a lot of issues with Autism Speaks. For one, they've been working to find a cure for autism. And all you need to do to see how they see autism is watch their commercials. There's this terrible one called "I Am Autism." It's just... Awful. I haven't done a ton of research into this, and can't remember many details off the top of my head, but there is a lot of information available.

I do believe that Mark Rober was coming from a good place. But I think he ended up going about things in the wrong way.

Also, I would say that autism is directly related to mental health. It's not a mental illness, but it does affect people's mental health directly. It has a lot of effects on people's ability to interact with others, and people with it are often prone to things like anxiety, depression, and OCD. Not to mention other things like sensory issues. If you'd like more information on this, I'd be happy to share some lectures I have found to be very informative.

Sorry if that was rude in any way, or anything like that. This is just a subject that is very important to me due to the fact that it's very likely I'm on the spectrum myself (to be clear, I have not received a diagnosis, but have done a lot of personal research), and because it's so widely misunderstood. 

10 hours ago, TheOnlyEdgedancersss said:

I think that this month has a great significance to people. Even some of the characters from Brandon’s books have mental health. I am glad that it is recognized, because some people have it harder then the rest. Wether it be depression or anxiety, we should all be aware of it. Happy Mental Health Awareness month!

Well, everyone has mental health.

It is really really cool how Brandon weaves mental illness into his characters. He's remarkably good at it. RoW had some of the best depictions of mental illness I have seen. 

[Draginon]

I have a tenuous relationship where autism is concerned. My mother 100% thinks I’m part of it but when I’ve looked it up myself nothing about it clicked to me, you know like when someone who is undiagnosed reads the symptoms of any mental disorder and everything makes sense for their life? I didn’t have that moment at all, I had the exact opposite reaction to that moment.

You also know how people like seeing themselves represented in media? While I like Steris and Renarin I just can’t relate to them at all since I didn’t have any of their social struggles but I’m an introvert so I don’t like being around people when I want alone time.

I also don’t have any of the sensory overload things that is associated with it either. If I don’t like something it tends to be because of the flavor over texture, though if I’m not expecting a certain texture it might go on the list of foods I’d rather not eat again like the Asian Pear having a sandy, gritty texture mixed in. As for sound it’s only extremely loud and sudden ones you have to cover your ears for, like a cannon shot, that I’ll cover my ears on.

As for any other stuff I’m not really a collector of one particular kind of item, I’m not extremely good at math (I know stereotype but best example) or any other symptom I’m forgetting.

The way my mother keeps introducing me to people that I have this gets to the point that it’s derogatory and hurtful every time she says it. It hurts even more since she didn’t do this to me as a kid or a teen, only when I became an adult.

I do have a theory on why she thinks I have it. She is odd herself to the point it’s not a normal brand of quirkiness. I think she might have it and she tends to get it in her head if she can do something or have something then everyone else has to as well. One example is when I had plantar warts and she assumed I had plantar fasciitis only because she had it around that time before I had to correct her.

Evidence I think goes towards her having it is she’s not good at keeping her friends around and somehow pushes everyone away. Things have to be done a certain way or it’s not right (I’ve had it where I had a box flush with the wall but apparently it wasn’t flush enough for her and when she moved it it was less flush than when I had it). She refuses to let anyone drive her around. She will cover her ears when someone is speaking at a normal tone sometimes. She is obsessed with collecting anything Cheshire Cat related. She assumes I enjoy all her interests (she loves anything to do with WWII which I hate but she thinks I like it just because I enjoy history). She doesn’t get certain social cues (headphones meaning leave me alone) or situational faux pas (touching a puzzle piece when someone is putting a puzzle together and is doing it a certain way) nor does she understand hypothetical scenarios (she takes it as literal) which fits a bit with a symptom I’ve read.

I don’t want this to be taken as discrimination or mean, just to show how it feels when someone thinks you have a disorder or disease you certainly don’t have.

[Flying]

(Okay so I tried to write this last week but then kind of panicked and just stopped writing it. But now I'm going to finish it because I'm feeling brave)

I'm having a hard time putting all my thoughts into words right now, but I'll try my best.

So, I've always been that person that people know but don't really know. Everyone knows I exist, but people don't really know me personally. I'm just kind of... there. Like a random person in the background of a movie. I've realized that this mostly has to do with me being on the autism spectrum, and also because talking to people makes me anxious. I never really put in the effort to interact with people because it's so much easier being an outside observer. There were a few years in my life where I really did try (and actually succeeded) to make friends, but for some reason it made me panic even more. There's something about getting to know people that kind of awakens this part of me that makes me aware of all the things that make me different. People at school have also made fun of me for things like being autistic or depressed, so there's past conversations like that haunting me. I've kind of come to the conclusion that I'm much happier being alone because I don't get as stressed out.

The reason I explained all of that is this: I lurk on these forums a lot. I lurk on Discord too. I'm fascinated by the way people act, but it takes so much effort and mental preparation for me to actually join the conversation. But because I observe everything silently, I know a lot about the people here. I have like this weird part of my brain that's just random things that I remember about people, and most of the time they probably don't even know I was paying attention. But I care about you guys. A lot, actually. 

I know I don't put in enough effort to interact with people, but I've observed so many people struggling with so many different things. There's people here who don't believe anyone cares, and every time I see one of those messages pop up it just makes me feel this intense sadness. I know what that feeling's like. I've felt it before, and I have vivid memories of the times when those feelings of hopelessness were the strongest. I've sat here for over twenty minutes trying to come up with something poetic and beautiful and inspirational, but the only thing I can think of right now is a stupid quote from a story that's still unfinished on my computer. I wanted to write something else as encouragement, but it's 2:00 AM and I can't really find anything else to say. So, umm, I guess you can read this random thing I wrote a year ago.

Spoiler

The war within one’s mind is often more difficult than the wars between men. The soldier never freezes on the battlefield simply because of the enemy around him; nor does he freeze because of the mere clashing of swords. He freezes because his own thoughts have betrayed him. Fighting to control what goes on in your head is going to be a difficult battle, Vashkril. Perhaps it will be the most difficult one of all.

And to tell you the truth, life is nothing more than a sequence of battles in one prolonged war. There are victories, and there are losses. There are days when you stand undefeated after a hard-won fight. And then there are days when your thoughts weigh down on you, seeming like they will finally overwhelm your best defenses. But on the rare days when you see your despair and hopelessness holding the white flag of surrender, you will realize that there’s still enough hope. There’s always a reason to keep fighting.

To conclude this (overly long) post, I'm just going to end by reiterating that I care about all of you. Even if I don't know you personally, you're all Sanderfans. You're already amazing people by my standards 

[Tesh]

13 hours ago, Flying said:

(Okay so I tried to write this last week but then kind of panicked and just stopped writing it. But now I'm going to finish it because I'm feeling brave)

I'm having a hard time putting all my thoughts into words right now, but I'll try my best.

So, I've always been that person that people know but don't really know. Everyone knows I exist, but people don't really know me personally. I'm just kind of... there. Like a random person in the background of a movie. I've realized that this mostly has to do with me being on the autism spectrum, and also because talking to people makes me anxious. I never really put in the effort to interact with people because it's so much easier being an outside observer. There were a few years in my life where I really did try (and actually succeeded) to make friends, but for some reason it made me panic even more. There's something about getting to know people that kind of awakens this part of me that makes me aware of all the things that make me different. People at school have also made fun of me for things like being autistic or depressed, so there's past conversations like that haunting me. I've kind of come to the conclusion that I'm much happier being alone because I don't get as stressed out.

The reason I explained all of that is this: I lurk on these forums a lot. I lurk on Discord too. I'm fascinated by the way people act, but it takes so much effort and mental preparation for me to actually join the conversation. But because I observe everything silently, I know a lot about the people here. I have like this weird part of my brain that's just random things that I remember about people, and most of the time they probably don't even know I was paying attention. But I care about you guys. A lot, actually. 

I know I don't put in enough effort to interact with people, but I've observed so many people struggling with so many different things. There's people here who don't believe anyone cares, and every time I see one of those messages pop up it just makes me feel this intense sadness. I know what that feeling's like. I've felt it before, and I have vivid memories of the times when those feelings of hopelessness were the strongest. I've sat here for over twenty minutes trying to come up with something poetic and beautiful and inspirational, but the only thing I can think of right now is a stupid quote from a story that's still unfinished on my computer. I wanted to write something else as encouragement, but it's 2:00 AM and I can't really find anything else to say. So, umm, I guess you can read this random thing I wrote a year ago.

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The war within one’s mind is often more difficult than the wars between men. The soldier never freezes on the battlefield simply because of the enemy around him; nor does he freeze because of the mere clashing of swords. He freezes because his own thoughts have betrayed him. Fighting to control what goes on in your head is going to be a difficult battle, Vashkril. Perhaps it will be the most difficult one of all.

And to tell you the truth, life is nothing more than a sequence of battles in one prolonged war. There are victories, and there are losses. There are days when you stand undefeated after a hard-won fight. And then there are days when your thoughts weigh down on you, seeming like they will finally overwhelm your best defenses. But on the rare days when you see your despair and hopelessness holding the white flag of surrender, you will realize that there’s still enough hope. There’s always a reason to keep fighting.

To conclude this (overly long) post, I'm just going to end by reiterating that I care about all of you. Even if I don't know you personally, you're all Sanderfans. You're already amazing people by my standards 

Ohmystorms you put it into words.

Also that is an amazing quote.

That whole post was very well written.

Also I just realized that I kind of do the same thing you do when it comes to lurking. But I do it more IRL then on here. I do it enough where it gets to the point that it feels like I am part of the conversation even if I haven't added a single word to it. 

And I now have to idea how to conclude this response... Um...

Yeah, I can't think of anything. 

[Solid conclusion that wraps everything up nicely]