Tournament: Cosmere Character Roast Battles

[Ascended Grubberfly He/Him]

Yes yes, I am such a trend setter, you should always do what I do regardless of my reasoning.

[GG0z He/Him]

17 hours ago, Stardust said:

You can always decide later! That's what Grub is doing! 

I'll do the same thing, then

[Ink and Embers Any pronouns]

*looks nervous*

Can I sign up? I'm fine with writing for anyone?

[Stardust She/Her]

Yessss Shameless plug pulling people in

Should I just start pinging people? That might be easier

[AonEne he/him]

I'll sign up as Nomad! 

[Ashspren]

4 hours ago, Ink and Embers said:

*looks nervous*

Can I sign up? I'm fine with writing for anyone?

Yes of course! Just let me know when you pick a character.  
 

Also @Shatter, are you joining as Hoid?

Edited June 24 by Ashspren

[Shatter He/Him]

On 6/23/2026 at 1:12 PM, Ashspren said:

Nope, you can use him as a character if you want! The audience is the judge via google forms. 

I think Hoid should either be banned or made a judge, given that Hoid is like the legal authority on insulting people.

mmmm

Hoid could be the emcee...

I dunno what I'm talking about

Edited June 26 by Shatter

[Frustration]

@Ashspren should we at least start one round?

[Ashspren]

On 6/26/2026 at 11:04 AM, Frustration said:

@Ashspren should we at least start one round?

Sure, we've been rethinking the structure a bit to make sure things don't go stagnant. I'll kick things off later this week and explain new timings/rules. 

@Ascended Grubberfly @GG0z @Ink and Embers please pick your characters by EOD Sunday (July 5). 

[Ink and Embers Any pronouns]

3 hours ago, Ashspren said:

Sure, we've been rethinking the structure a bit to make sure things don't go stagnant. I'll kick things off later this week and explain new timings/rules. 

@Ascended Grubberfly @GG0z @Ink and Embers please pick your characters by EOD Sunday (July 5). 

Uh oh, deadlines *hides*

Could I pick Wax?

[Archer he/him]

2 hours ago, Ink and Embers said:

Could I pick Wax?

I'd like to imagine he's filling in for Wayne, who didn't show up 

[Ink and Embers Any pronouns]

33 minutes ago, Archer said:

I'd like to imagine he's filling in for Wayne, who didn't show up 

Oooooo yes, that would totally happen

[Ascended Grubberfly He/Him]

I’ll take Wayne, but Wax didn’t want to participate so I faked not being able to attend, then showing up right as the event started so there was no time for him to leave.

[Ink and Embers Any pronouns]

37 minutes ago, Ascended Grubberfly said:

I’ll take Wayne, but Wax didn’t want to participate so I faked not being able to attend, then showing up right as the event started so there was no time for him to leave.

That. Is also totally in character. 

[Ascended Grubberfly He/Him]

1 minute ago, Ink and Embers said:

That. Is also totally in character. 

Check your coat pocket. I even gave you a hat! Not my lucky one, as I need that so I don’t get blown up because you’re here!

[Ink and Embers Any pronouns]

4 minutes ago, Ascended Grubberfly said:

Check your coat pocket. I even gave you a hat! Not my lucky one, as I need that so I don’t get blown up because you’re here!

This is ... a stoat. And Steris only let me take a pistol, since there was a chance it would be civilized before you showed up. 

[Frustration]

Guys the roast battle hasn't even started yet

[GG0z He/Him]

8 hours ago, Ashspren said:

Sure, we've been rethinking the structure a bit to make sure things don't go stagnant. I'll kick things off later this week and explain new timings/rules. 

@Ascended Grubberfly @GG0z @Ink and Embers please pick your characters by EOD Sunday (July 5). 

I'll pick... uhhhhhm Nightblood?

[Ashspren]

On 6/22/2026 at 10:43 AM, Ashspren said:

Great, thanks gang! So we currently have:

• @Myst as Frost
• @Stardust as Kaladin
• @Ascended Grubberfly as Wayne
• @Archer as Torol Sadeas
• @Frustration as Szeth
•  @GG0z as Nightblood
•  @AonEne as Nomad
•  @Ink and Embers as Wax

Looking forward to it! Feel free to tag people/reach out to see if anyone else wants to participate. While a full 16 would be great (and very Cosmere relevant), we can also make it work with 8. 

Okay awesome, thanks everyone! Looks like this is our completed roster. Will kick things off in the next couple days-- excited to get started! 

[Ashspren]

Alright everyone, here's how this is going to work... 

1. Competitors: I will release the matchups on Monday by noon EDT, and competitors will have until the following Friday by noon to write and post their roast. (Note: all times are in EDT.)
2. Everyone: I'll post the Google Form for people to vote on winners Friday evenings, and everyone (including the audience!) will have until the following Monday by 9am to submit their vote.
3. The winners of each matchup will move onto the next round. 

Hopefully, having everyone post when they're ready within the week will keep things from stalling too much. (Also, thank you to Archer for helping me out with this!)

To kick things off, we'll release the matchups a little earlier this week. Competitors, you have until Friday 7/10 at 12pm EDT to post your roast! As a reminder, your roast can be as long or as short as you want it to be. Your goal is to verbally eviscerate the character you've been matched up with, acting as the character you have selected. As always, good flow and rhyming are very encouraged. 

Our first round matchups are: 

• Nomad vs. Szeth  ( @AonEne vs. @Frustration )
• Wayne vs. Kaladin  ( @Ascended Grubberfly vs. @Stardust )
• Frost vs. Nightblood  ( @Mystic vs. @GG0z )
• Wax vs. Sadeas  ( @Ink and Embers vs. @Archer )

Happy roasting to everyone, and best of luck!

[Mystic He/Him]

@GG0z

Spoiler

A knock-off 
A Copy  
That’s what you are    
A fancy metal stick not even useful to spar
Shashara wanted a shardblade   
That’s why you were made

And you couldn’t even do that properly   
It’s because of you Vasher had to stop being scholarly 

Shardblades don’t kill their wielders.   
And prized far higher by any arms dealer. 
They’re forms can change and be dismissed   
Yet in a crowd you can’t even coexist
You bleed black smoke.  
Another sign you’re a joke   
A third-rate shardblade   
Controllable as a dropped grenade

It seems you still don’t understand   
So let me give you a hand    
Since you don’t have any yourself   
You’re nothing better than an ornament on a shelf

You’re reliant on others to help you get around  
Something only accomplished through manipulating their mind     
You promise to destroy evil    
Yet you’re still around, bringing all sorts of upheaval

You’re blade may be sharp, and the opposite is your mind    
So you’d better get out of here before you’re put in a bind.   
Mind like a child    
You’re rather quite mild

I can see your distress    
So you’d bet run off, I confess 

Before Vashar has to come get you out of this mess

This was fun

[Ascended Grubberfly He/Him]

1 minute ago, Mystic said:

@GG0z

  Reveal hidden contents

A knock-off 
A Copy  
That’s what you are    
A fancy metal stick not even useful to spar
Shashara wanted a shardblade   
That’s why you were made

And you couldn’t even do that properly   
It’s because of you Vasher had to stop being scholarly 

Shardblades don’t kill their wielders.   
And prized far higher by any arms dealer. 
They’re forms can change and be dismissed   
Yet in a crowd you can’t even coexist
You bleed black smoke.  
Another sign you’re a joke   
A third-rate shardblade   
Controllable as a dropped grenade

It seems you still don’t understand   
So let me give you a hand    
Since you don’t have any yourself   
You’re nothing better than an ornament on a shelf

You’re reliant on others to help you get around  
Something only accomplished through manipulating their mind     
You promise to destroy evil    
Yet you’re still around, bringing all sorts of upheaval

You’re blade may be sharp, and the opposite is your mind    
So you’d better get out of here before you’re put in a bind.   
Mind like a child    
You’re rather quite mild

I can see your distress    
So you’d bet run off, I confess 

Before Vashar has to come get you out of this mess

This was fun

I feel so bad for Nightblood.

[Mystic He/Him]

8 minutes ago, Ascended Grubberfly said:

I feel so bad for Nightblood.

C’mon, I haven’t even gotten to Kaladin or Szeth yet

[Ascended Grubberfly He/Him]

1 minute ago, Mystic said:

C’mon, I haven’t even gotten to Kaladin or Szeth yet

But it’s my boy Nightblood 

Hes so innocent!

[Mystic He/Him]

1 minute ago, Ascended Grubberfly said:

But it’s my boy Nightblood 

Hes so innocent!

…

So, I may be a little biased since I just read through the coppermind and the arcanum about him with the intent of roasting him…. But:

You know how many people he’s killed right? Remember the Battle of Twilight Falls?