Having a Bad Day?: Get 'yer Hugs here!!

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

Ever wonder if she timed the, "screw it, we're moving to Spokane RIGHT NOW!" deal specifically to try and make it more difficult to handle the New Orleans transition? 

 

I'm past wondering and into suspecting. I don't have any definitive proof, and I can't get any, but I strongly suspect that on at least a subconscious level, she doesn't want to make this easy on me. At all. She hasn't offered to help look at apartments, she hasn't offered to help me pack, or to help with the move, she hasn't offered to do anything that would actually help. The closest thing to "helping" she and my dad have done is badger me with questions about whether I've gotten this straightened out or if I've considered that thing that might go wrong. 

 

And I know I shouldn't have expected them to be happy, but….I don't know. I guess I was hoping that they'd at least be excited I finally had a job in a cool city. Not try to bring me down at every turn and force me to do this on my own.

[Voidus]

I'm past wondering and into suspecting. I don't have any definitive proof, and I can't get any, but I strongly suspect that on at least a subconscious level, she doesn't want to make this easy on me. At all. She hasn't offered to help look at apartments, she hasn't offered to help me pack, or to help with the move, she hasn't offered to do anything that would actually help. The closest thing to "helping" she and my dad have done is badger me with questions about whether I've gotten this straightened out or if I've considered that thing that might go wrong. 

 

And I know I shouldn't have expected them to be happy, but….I don't know. I guess I was hoping that they'd at least be excited I finally had a job in a cool city. Not try to bring me down at every turn and force me to do this on my own.

That's just really terrible, if there's one thing I can't stand it's parents who can't support their children. Mrs. Voidus' parents have split up and he's gotten remarried recently, and since then she's heard from him once a year to wish her happy birthday. It makes me really, really mad.   

But if you're not getting the emotional support you need from your parents then you know what to do right?

Go to chicago and kidnap a cute server from a casino.

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

That's just really terrible, if there's one thing I can't stand it's parents who can't support their children. Mrs. Voidus' parents have split up and he's gotten remarried recently, and since then she's heard from him once a year to wish her happy birthday. It makes me really, really mad.   

But if you're not getting the emotional support you need from your parents then you know what to do right?

Go to chicago and kidnap a cute server from a casino.

 

That is awful.  

 

I'm sure there are plenty of cute casino servers in New Orleans.  

[Briar King]

Riverboats...

[Kaymyth she/her]

That is awful.

 

I'm sure there are plenty of cute casino servers in New Orleans.

 

Well, and you have us, of course.

 

(Would you really need to kidnap one?  I mean, come on, you're a librarian.  They should be following you around of their own accord.)

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

Well, and you have us, of course.

 

(Would you really need to kidnap one?  I mean, come on, you're a librarian.  They should be following you around of their own accord.)

 

I do indeed.  

 

() 

[KidWayne he/him]

So, last year right after I took out a loan to refinance existing credit card debt, my wife ran up $45,000 of credit card debt without my knowledge. Thinking we had some financial breathing room, I participated in the accumulation of $10,000 in additional debts. She has had to file for bankruptcy (Chapter 13 - the kind where you can't take out new loans and have to pay everything back with reduced interest rates).
 
You see, she was using retail therapy to cope with some moderate to severe health problems; she has an non-specific autoimmune disorder that is similar in effect to lupus + hypothyroidism. She has been sick off and on about once every six weeks since early 2013. Being sick that often messes with you if unexpected ways; she has seen all but one of her friendships wither away to Facebook acquaintances since no one understands (or flat out doesn't believe) how a person can be sick so often. She also has been struggling with depression since her circumstances are pretty terrible.
 
Well, love makes us do stupid things. I had pity on her and I wanted her to find something that made her happy and/or a new social outlet. So, when she went to a Mary Kay party and asked me if she could start selling it herself, I allowed her to do so. She insisted that she could sell the products and that she could make a decent profit doing so. I knew that allowing this would stress our monthly budget to uncomfortably thin margins, but I was almost desperate to see my wife happy again. She did have some initial success, but she spent her profits on god knows what and used our checking account to purchase new products to sell (using the "beg for forgiveness instead of asking for permission" strategy). Her health deteriorated even further and her sales declined.

 

Now I have to take a second job to make ends meet. I have an interview for a nights & weekends job at a grocery store later this evening. I'm pretty demoralized. Being married to someone that is a constant drain on your financial & emotional resources without being able to give much in return was difficult, but this is making me question whether or not I'm a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. At the same, time it's pretty difficult to justify leaving the mother of your 3 year old twins who can barely take care of herself (much less the twins). It's just such a kick to the groin to have to lose the time that I would normally see my kids to have to work an extra 30 hours a week (70 hours total) just to pay the bills. I'm trying not to be angry, resentful, or bitter but I'm losing the battle today. Somehow, I thought the less desirable aspects of traditional wedding vows (i.e. "for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health") applied to old age and not the prime of your life. *sigh*

[Seonid he/him]

So, last year right after I took out a loan to refinance existing credit card debt, my wife ran up $45,000 of credit card debt without my knowledge. Thinking we had some financial breathing room, I participated in the accumulation of $10,000 in additional debts. She has had to file for bankruptcy (Chapter 13 - the kind where you can't take out new loans and have to pay everything back with reduced interest rates).

 

You see, she was using retail therapy to cope with some moderate to severe health problems; she has an non-specific autoimmune disorder that is similar in effect to lupus + hypothyroidism. She has been sick off and on about once every six weeks since early 2013. Being sick that often messes with you if unexpected ways; she has seen all but one of her friendships wither away to Facebook acquaintances since no one understands (or flat out doesn't believe) how a person can be sick so often. She also has been struggling with depression since her circumstances are pretty terrible.

 

Well, love makes us do stupid things. I had pity on her and I wanted her to find something that made her happy and/or a new social outlet. So, when she went to a Mary Kay party and asked me if she could start selling it herself, I allowed her to do so. She insisted that she could sell the products and that she could make a decent profit doing so. I knew that allowing this would stress our monthly budget to uncomfortably thin margins, but I was almost desperate to see my wife happy again. She did have some initial success, but she spent her profits on god knows what and used our checking account to purchase new products to sell (using the "beg for forgiveness instead of asking for permission" strategy). Her health deteriorated even further and her sales declined.

 

Now I have to take a second job to make ends meet. I have an interview for a nights & weekends job at a grocery store later this evening. I'm pretty demoralized. Being married to someone that is a constant drain on your financial & emotional resources without being able to give much in return was difficult, but this is making me question whether or not I'm a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. At the same, time it's pretty difficult to justify leaving the mother of your 3 year old twins who can barely take care of herself (much less the twins). It's just such a kick to the groin to have to lose the time that I would normally see my kids to have to work an extra 30 hours a week (70 hours total) just to pay the bills. I'm trying not to be angry, resentful, or bitter but I'm losing the battle today. Somehow, I thought the less desirable aspects of traditional wedding vows (i.e. "for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health") applied to old age and not the prime of your life. *sigh*

 

I'm sorry to hear that things aren't going well for you. I hope that you can find ways to make things work again. When my parents were in debt trouble, they used Dave Ramsey's FPU (Financial Peace University) system, and it worked out well for them. My wife and I have followed it since we've gotten married, and it's working so far.

 

Until things get better for you - we're pulling for you!

[Kestrel she/her]

I'm currently in the process of crying myself to sleep for the third time this week, this is fine.

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

I'm currently in the process of crying myself to sleep for the third time this week, this is fine.

1) What happened? and 2) Do you need a pug?

[Kaymyth she/her]

I'm currently in the process of crying myself to sleep for the third time this week, this is fine.

 

*hugs*

[Delightful]

I'm currently in the process of crying myself to sleep for the third time this week, this is fine.

Not. Fine. Does. Not. Compute.

*hug*

What happened?

[Left he/him]

I don't know if this is defined as the start of a bad day or not.....So I had to get up at 4 to go to work this morning, which means I only got 6.5 hours of sleep. There's also about an inch of ice and snow on the roads, but I got here okay. The nice thing is, none of the swimmers seem to be dedicated enough* cough* crazy enough*cough* to drive on the roads. Which means I just get to sit here and read the lifeguard manual and stuff.

[Kestrel she/her]

1) What happened? and 2) Do you need a pug?

  

*hugs*

  

Not. Fine. Does. Not. Compute.

*hug*

What happened?

I don't know.

This week has just been really bad.

[Kaymyth she/her]

Bardic Circle happening at Gaia (my Pagan Unitarian Universalist church) today.

 

Problems, man.  "The Sailor's Wife" (or "River's Song" to my fellow Browncoats out there) has some arpeggiation fingerings that are a bit tricky on flute.  But they're dead easy on Irish whistle!

 

Except that my high 'B' keeps breaking fuzzy.  I can play it perfectly clearly on its own, but slap it into the song and it's a hot mess.

 

I now have to admit that my whistle chops are out of shape.

 

Which means my oboe chops must be even worse.

 

argh music fail flop

[Guest]

So, last year right after I took out a loan to refinance existing credit card debt, my wife ran up $45,000 of credit card debt without my knowledge. Thinking we had some financial breathing room, I participated in the accumulation of $10,000 in additional debts. She has had to file for bankruptcy (Chapter 13 - the kind where you can't take out new loans and have to pay everything back with reduced interest rates).

 

You see, she was using retail therapy to cope with some moderate to severe health problems; she has an non-specific autoimmune disorder that is similar in effect to lupus + hypothyroidism. She has been sick off and on about once every six weeks since early 2013. Being sick that often messes with you if unexpected ways; she has seen all but one of her friendships wither away to Facebook acquaintances since no one understands (or flat out doesn't believe) how a person can be sick so often. She also has been struggling with depression since her circumstances are pretty terrible.

 

Well, love makes us do stupid things. I had pity on her and I wanted her to find something that made her happy and/or a new social outlet. So, when she went to a Mary Kay party and asked me if she could start selling it herself, I allowed her to do so. She insisted that she could sell the products and that she could make a decent profit doing so. I knew that allowing this would stress our monthly budget to uncomfortably thin margins, but I was almost desperate to see my wife happy again. She did have some initial success, but she spent her profits on god knows what and used our checking account to purchase new products to sell (using the "beg for forgiveness instead of asking for permission" strategy). Her health deteriorated even further and her sales declined.

 

Now I have to take a second job to make ends meet. I have an interview for a nights & weekends job at a grocery store later this evening. I'm pretty demoralized. Being married to someone that is a constant drain on your financial & emotional resources without being able to give much in return was difficult, but this is making me question whether or not I'm a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. At the same, time it's pretty difficult to justify leaving the mother of your 3 year old twins who can barely take care of herself (much less the twins). It's just such a kick to the groin to have to lose the time that I would normally see my kids to have to work an extra 30 hours a week (70 hours total) just to pay the bills. I'm trying not to be angry, resentful, or bitter but I'm losing the battle today. Somehow, I thought the less desirable aspects of traditional wedding vows (i.e. "for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health") applied to old age and not the prime of your life. *sigh*

 

Oh gee, this is terrible. 

 

It seems as if your wife has several issues she needs to take care of both medical, behavioral and psychological. First of, the health issue: you say it is a non-specific one akin to hypothyroidism. Alright. So how is her thyroid doing? Has she made blood test for this one recently? Has she had this since her pregnancy because pregnancy has a knack to uncover those latent diseases, especially thyroid related issues. Does she need medication for it? I have issues with my thyroid, in fact I have the Hashimoto disease which is an degenerative auto-immune disease, but it is easily treated with a pill and regular blood tests. As for the lupus part, could it be linked to her food intake? In other words, could she be gluten intolerant? There has to be something she can do to start feeling better. She gets sick a lot, so how are her white globules count doing? Mine was horribly low after my pregnancies...

 

For the reminder of her behavior, as you say it looks like she is coping through false compensation: she is looking for a gratification she cannot find within her regular life so she resolves herself to try out several random things: Mary Kay products, large expenses all seem to me as trials for her to feel better. The downside is they have a cost your family is unable to assume. This behavior has to stop is you are to maintain your head out of the water: stop the crazy expenses. She has to find other ways to be pleased with herself than spending money you don't currently have. The same goes with you: don't get additional debts unless it is absolutely required: for instances, the roof it leaking. You can't have a leaking roof: it has to be fixed.

 

Does your wife has an issue on self-esteem? Is she at home all day being depressed with crazy 3 years old making a ruckus at home? It somehow can have a strain on you, this life and twins... And you say she hasn't felt right since 2013, your kids are 3: is it possible she may be suffering from untreated postpartum depression? No, it doesn't have to happen right after the birth to be postpartum: just dealing with twin babies must have been difficult. This would be a strain on anyone: carrying twins, giving birth to them then taking care of them. It can be hard, especially if her energy level are down on the floor. Could it be she needs to get out of the house more often? It can be hard with 3 years old twins: they bounce around, they cry every 5 minutes, they hit each other all day long, 5 minutes after you clean-up they scattered the little cars all across the living room: not a great incentive to venture outside, but perhaps it would help her.

 

Has she ever thought of trying to be more physically active? Just going outside, taking some air, walking around or taking up jogging... Seriously this could help and it is free.

 

Does she have time to herself, outside the house, without the kids? Could she take a class or something at the community center, the kind which is free? If her friends seem to have left her down, she doesn't have people to talk to... it takes a toll on you as well. Isn't there a family member who could come help her around, even if just once a week, help with the boring severely depressing stuff such as cleaning and laundry? Or take the kids out for a while so she could recharge her batteries? 

 

As for the expenses problems, I'd say you have to cut the van before it gets worst. Get rids of those credit cards, cut them off, all of them, consolidate your debts into one place, if you have a mortgage, put it on it and stretch the payment for as long as possible in order to give you breathing room. You can't possibly keep on going on: at this rhythm you are going to burn yourself as well. You have to think of your health as well. You have needs too.

 

Your wife is lucky to have a husband who is willing to support her, but you both have to find a solution which works for your family, no matter what it is.

 

Good luck with all of it. There is a solution. There always is.

[Kestrel she/her]

I bought two fish friday. Both just died. I'm so sick of this. The only thing that actually lives in my tank are guppies and plecos. I'm doing so much wrong. I should just quit before more things die.

[+Slowswift]

I bought two fish friday. Both just died. I'm so sick of this. The only thing that actually lives in my tank are guppies and plecos. I'm doing so much wrong. I should just quit before more things die.

 

Eek. I'm sorry.

 

The first frog I owned literally just vanished and the second one died. :/ So hey, you're in good company.

[Kestrel she/her]

My tank is a death sentence appearently.

[Delightful]

Is something wrong with the tank itself? That can be fixed?

Edited February 29, 2016 by Delightful

[Kestrel she/her]

Did a water test, water fine. Sighs. I might have shocked them tonight by putting in more water. But almost every new fish I've bought has died, in general.

[Darkness Ascendant he/him]

I bought two fish friday. Both just died. I'm so sick of this. The only thing that actually lives in my tank are guppies and plecos. I'm doing so much wrong. I should just quit before more things die.

Always remember Kaladin

[Seonid he/him]

I told my research professor that I would have a rough draft of my project done for him by tomorrow. But I have an Arabic test the same day. Between trying to do both, I've ended up doing neither. I hate myself right now...

 

In (slightly) good news, I've worldbuilt a good deal of my City of Mortals setting. It's even more frustrating that my creativity peaks right about the time when I'm overwhelmed with other things to do.

[Pestis the Spider she/her]

Well. So I just came back from an appointment with a clinical psychologist. Now I'm officialy weird. She said I'm going to get it in writing.  O.o

 

I seriously don't know what to feel about it. I kind of expected that, to be honest, but it's still shocking. 

[The Honor Spren she/her]

. . . What happened to this thread?

Pestis, I just haven't replied because I don't know what to say beyond a shallow "I'm sorry" or "Its okay. We're always here." Even if I did truly mean it. . . .

Take a virtual hug.