Having a Bad Day?: Get 'yer Hugs here!!

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

What about the San Xavier church just outside of Tucson?! And the Desert Museum?! Nothing to do...bah!

 

The San Xavier church is great to visit….once in a while. It's a ways out of the city (and even further from where I live, since my parents' motto may as well be GIVE ME SUBURBS OR GIVE ME DEATH) and once you get out there, there's stuff to do, but it's not a place I'd want to visit every day. 

 

Haven't been to the Desert Museum for the same reason why I've only been to San Xavier a handful of times (distance, not to mention the fact that parking is terrible). There's Tohono Chul Park, which is pretty, but again, not a place I'd want to go every day. And it costs money. 

 

Let's see….the Hotel Congress was fairly interesting, and their restaurant is pretty good, but there's not a ton to do there, either. 

 

Basically, all of the places to see in Tucson are places to see, not things to do, in my opinion. Everything there is to do costs money, and it's a fair hike from my end of town. (Again, thanks, Mom and Dad. Gotta love the 'burbs. ) 

[Kaymyth she/her]

That sucks. If it helps, here's a list of fun things to do, should you ever visit Tucson:

Throw cactuses at people

Go outside and see how long you can last

Coyote hunting

Eat dirt

???????

Nothing

Old people?

Still nothing

Cactus

 

  Phoenix is a bit better for things to do, but it's a good 2-hour drive away from you.  The zoo is good, and the museum of science and technology - I loved going to both of those when I was a kid.  Or if you really feel ambitious, you can go wandering out in the desert and possibly die go search for the Lost Dutchman's gold mine!

 

Just didn't work out. :/ We hiked like half a mile and there was a crack in the ground and that was it. I think we just got lost or picked a bad spot to hike around in.

 

That's too bad; it really is an impressively huge hole in the ground.  I've been there three times, and spotted it from an airplane as well.

[Orlion Blight he/him]

Speaking of things to do that are far away, is Old Tucson Studio still around? Or did it burn down one too many times?

Somethings bugging my best friend today, and there's not really anything I can do because she's barely talking and I don't know what's wrong. I'm pretty sure she needs space, than lots of hugs, I just don't like being powerless.

....and my crush is sick too. Sigh....

It sucks, but remember a lot of times the best you can do is be there. A lot of times, "trying to fix things" is the exact opposite of what people want.

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

Speaking of things to do that are far away, is Old Tucson Studio still around? Or did it burn down one too many times?

 

It's still here. I went there a few years ago for Nightfall. Pretty fun. 

[Zathoth]

That sucks. If it helps, here's a list of fun things to do, should you ever visit Tucson:

Throw cactuses at people

Go outside and see how long you can last

Coyote hunting

Eat dirt

???????

Nothing

Old people?

Still nothing

Cactus

How do you do cactus? Unless this is like my "Some people should get very intimate with a cactus" insult....

 

And now I ruined your subtleness, ops.

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

JPL asked me to call them tomorrow to discuss dates for my trip. 

 

My mom suggested I apologize for acting without talking to them first, which made sense. Of course, she didn't acknowledge that she's the whole reason an apology is even in order. 

 

Also, remember how I mentioned yesterday that she made a standing threat to kick me out if I don't shape up? 

 

I've thought about it all day. 

 

I don't mouth off to her. I don't talk trash about her to my siblings. I follow her rules. I don't pick fights with her. The most disrespectful thing I do is give off a vague sense of not wanting to be around her and refuse to give her a straight answer when she demands I tell her why I don't want to move to Spokane. Oh, and I don't shower her with gratitude for meeting my basic needs, which she brought up as one of my sins against her. 

 

She threatened to kick me out because she feels like I'm being disrespectful. 

 

I can't get over how wrong that is. 

Edited February 16, 2016 by TwiLyghtSansSparkles

[Ookla the Absent]

Sorry, Twi, I'm gonna derail your rants for a bit... truly sorry...

 

 

I hate it when people decide to lie to you "for your own good".

I know that I'm depressed, and that I freak out sometimes but... only when you lie to me?

 

Sorry, context. One of my friend's been pretty upset lately, but always denies it, even though it's obvious, because it was partially my fault and that upsets me. But I only get upset when people hide stuff me, especially when I already know there's something wrong.

So she finally admitted it, accusingly (ok, so it actually was almost entirely my fault) and I sorta broke down, and she used that as evidence that I need to be lied to to be kept safe, or something.

Which is probably partially true, but it's even worse when I'm lied to...

[Stormgate he/him]

I...just...felt sympathy for Twy's mom. She's trying to provide a good environment for her children the only way she's learned how (I reference the books on child manipulation mentioned earlier) and she is failing horribly. Now she's loosing her children, but is so out of touch with what is actually going on that she takes a reasonable response to her abuse as an example of hatred.

I'm not saying that what she's doing is right, but she at least probably has good intentions.

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

Sorry, Twi, I'm gonna derail your rants for a bit... truly sorry...

 

 

I hate it when people decide to lie to you "for your own good".

I know that I'm depressed, and that I freak out sometimes but... only when you lie to me?

 

Sorry, context. One of my friend's been pretty upset lately, but always denies it, even though it's obvious, because it was partially my fault and that upsets me. But I only get upset when people hide stuff me, especially when I already know there's something wrong.

So she finally admitted it, accusingly (ok, so it actually was almost entirely my fault) and I sorta broke down, and she used that as evidence that I need to be lied to to be kept safe, or something.

Which is probably partially true, but it's even worse when I'm lied to...

 

Don't ever think you need to feel sorry for adding your rants here. I might use this thread frequently, but it's by no means the "Listen to Twi Rant About Her Crummy Parents" thread.  

 

As for the rant—I'm sorry. It's really infuriating to be lied to, as if they think you can't handle the truth.

[Mistrunner]

Dear Mom,

Passive-aggressiveness is not an effective form of communication.

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

Dear Mom,

Passive-aggressiveness is not an effective form of communication.

 

Parents everywhere, take note.

 

I...just...felt sympathy for Twy's mom. She's trying to provide a good environment for her children the only way she's learned how (I reference the books on child manipulation mentioned earlier) and she is failing horribly. Now she's loosing her children, but is so out of touch with what is actually going on that she takes a reasonable response to her abuse as an example of hatred.

I'm not saying that what she's doing is right, but she at least probably has good intentions.

 

I know I'm not objective in the slightest here, but….it's hard for me to believe her intentions are pure. Maybe they were at one point; they probably were in the very beginning, at any rate. But now? 

 

The thing is, I've told her what's wrong with me before. When I was a teen, there was a big hairy disaster that I won't share in detail here, though I'm willing to open up in PM, where she and my dad reacted poorly to something I did. About two years ago, I told her that the way she responded hurt me deeply. I did it very gently, saying things like, "I know you didn't mean it this way, but this is how I took it" and "I'm sorry for what I did, but when you responded this way, it hurt." 

 

She exploded. 

 

I'm talking a Toba Event-level explosion. She demanded specifics. I provided them. She denied as much as she could, accused me of fabricating entire conversations, accused me of eavesdropping, and finally said that even though she did nothing wrong, I had to forgive her or else God wouldn't forgive me. She said she wasn't sorry for the way she responded when I was a teen, because she'd do it the same way again. I was in tears by the time she was done, and when I said I felt terrible, she said, "Good." 

 

Maybe her intentions used to be pure. Maybe she thinks she loves me. But I think she's gotten love conflated with control to the point where she can't tell the difference anymore. And when you point it out to her, she gets angry. She doesn't want to give up her control. She loves it. She comes up with new ways to hang onto it. I offered her a chance to repent for the way she treated me, and she spat in my face. 

 

I don't fault you for feeling sorry for her. I don't mind it. But it's not a feeling I share. 

Edited February 16, 2016 by TwiLyghtSansSparkles

[Kaymyth she/her]

Dear Mom,

Passive-aggressiveness is not an effective form of communication.

 

Good gods, if I had a nickel for every time I've thought that at my mom...or most of the other females on that side of the family.  What's funny is that they all recognize it in each other but not in themselves.

 

Me, I recognized the insidious weed of passive-aggression for what it was when I was in my early twenties.  I ripped and tore and burned it out.  It always tries to grow back, but I know to watch for the signs and get out the flamethrower again.  But I live in fear of the day that I lose my self-awareness and it slowly takes me over like some sort of monstrous, creeping, cancer-beast.

 

I...just...felt sympathy for Twy's mom. She's trying to provide a good environment for her children the only way she's learned how (I reference the books on child manipulation mentioned earlier) and she is failing horribly. Now she's loosing her children, but is so out of touch with what is actually going on that she takes a reasonable response to her abuse as an example of hatred.

I'm not saying that what she's doing is right, but she at least probably has good intentions.

 

I get where you're coming from this, I do.  But...no.  There is no excuse for emotionally and psychologically abusing your children.  Yeah, she read it in a book somewhere - but at some point you have to take responsibility for your own actions.  She has not.

 

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but this is a very sensitive subject for me.  You just can't do the things that woman has done and still be allowed to call yourself a parent.

[Mestiv he/him]

I hate it when people decide to lie to you "for your own good".

I know that I'm depressed, and that I freak out sometimes but... only when you lie to me?

 

Sorry, context. One of my friend's been pretty upset lately, but always denies it, even though it's obvious, because it was partially my fault and that upsets me. But I only get upset when people hide stuff me, especially when I already know there's something wrong.

So she finally admitted it, accusingly (ok, so it actually was almost entirely my fault) and I sorta broke down, and she used that as evidence that I need to be lied to to be kept safe, or something.

Which is probably partially true, but it's even worse when I'm lied to...

As for the rant—I'm sorry. It's really infuriating to be lied to, as if they think you can't handle the truth.

 

  I'm gonna risk a bit and stand in defense of lying people in this situation. Why do people usually lie to those they care about? To protect them (and those around them) from pain of some kind. I honestly believe, that most lies in relationships or friendships are said because the lying side believes it'll be better for the other side and it might be brutal, but they're usually right. Gargoyle's friend confirms it, his/her motives was to "keep Gargoyle safe". Many people also don't realize, that they can't handle the truth and "punish" people that are honest with them. The reaction you give to others when they give you an unpleasant truth is the reason why they don't want to give it. 

 

If someone made me dinner that wasn't any good I would tell them that, but only if I knew I wouldn't be punished for being honest. Too many people state that they want people to be honest with them, but when they face the truth they blow up in the faces of those that give it to them. In this case, I might have to face a very bad reaction of someone who made this dinner. So I lie that the dinner was good. Two people are saved from emotional pain at the same time. The person cooking is not hurt and as a result doesn't "hurt" me. And in the end, the fact if the dinner was good or not doesn't change anything, because it is already eaten. If I could count that the reaction would be something like "Oh, ok... Sorry I made you eat that, I'll try harder next time." I wouldn't mind sharing my honest thought about the dinner. However, if I'd have to comfort that person for 15 minutes after I tell them they messed up the dinner, that's just crazy and I'm not fine with that.

 

This is also the reason why I always prefered to have an honest talk with my father than my mother. I've never felt that I'm punished for being honest with him, while it happened sometimes when I confessed something to my mother.

 

So, in contrast to many people, I will say: lie to me, if you believe that it is good for me. I'm not proud of it, but I'm a very good liar, I managed to lie through situations that are hard to believe. That's why I sometimes spot when someone is lying to me. However if I'm aware that it's because someone cares about me, I don't dig in the subject to reveal the ugly truth, I'm not a masochist nor am I on some holy crusade to uncover all lies in the world. I also believe that, if something really matters, that person won't be afraid to tell me the truth as I do my best not to react bad to bad news and not to hurt the messenger.

[little wilson she/her]

So, in contrast to many people, I will say: lie to me, if you believe that it is good for me.

 

I'm not so certain you're much different than others on this thread; you're just able to admit that you want people to lie to you if it's for your own good.

 

I'm positive that many people (myself included) have no problems lying to others in their life if they think that other person can't handle the truth and will punish them in some form for being honest. The difference is that when you're the person lying, it's you deciding that that person can't handle it. You have your reasons and you're convinced that that person will react badly, probably because you have oodles of past experiences that indicate such. I'm equally positive that if that person were to know you were lying to them, they wouldn't be happy about it, because, generally, people don't like having someone tell them that they can't handle the truth. Which is exactly why when someone lies to you, most people react poorly. The sad fact is that when it comes to lying, a lot of people live by an ugly double standard: I will lie if I need to, but I don't want anyone to lie to me.

[Orlion Blight he/him]

One has to show they can handle the truth before people will treat them as such. And even then, sometimes we lie because it doesn't matter. Maybe somebody's face just really annoys you at the moment. So what do you do when someone asks you what's wrong? One normally doesn't say "your face" because it's temporary and not that big a deal. Instead you lie and say, "nothing" or "Donald Trump".

[Ookla the Absent]

I don't know, it's mainly that I can tell when people are lying to me, and the friend was being obvious they weren't having a very good day 'cause of me, so I felt that I wasn't being trusted, and that made it a lot worse and made it harder to handle.

The other thing is that I recently promised them that I'd be more honest and open, 'cause we've had these problems in the past, so it made it worse to think "I've been doing my part to rebuild trust, and you go and break that all down."

It makes trust a lot harder, which is something that comes in short supply around me.

[Pestis the Spider she/her]

One has to show they can handle the truth before people will treat them as such. 

Sorry, what? I'm sorry, but for me this statement is utterly ridiculous. You mean that one has to deserve the truth first? You're joking, right? 

 

I'm seriously surprised that so many people here state that lying to people we care about is excusable is any way. For me any type of lying is a breach of trust. If I find out that someone lied to me "because they care", I'm done. For me it's a deal breaker, as I am no longer able to trust that person in any way (I usually have problems with that, but I can deal with it as long as people around me are honest). The fact that people have tendency to be lying makes me constantly suspicious of everyone and everything. This is ridiculous. If I want to trust someone and want them to trust me, I never lie and I expect total honesty. Of course, you don't have to be brutal. Saying "Your food is terrible" is plainly offensive, but there are many better ways to say the same truth. 

 

Of course, I do lie and use half-truths sometimes. It happens. I think lying is a useful tool for self-protection, survival and manipulation. But I do it only in cases when I don't trust a person and I don't exactly expect any trust in return. If someone I care about told me they lied for my own good... well, let's say I just wouldn't care about them anymore. 

[Orlion Blight he/him]

Sorry, what? I'm sorry, but for me this statement is utterly ridiculous. You mean that one has to deserve the truth first? You're joking, right? 

 

 I mean exactly what I said, that they can handle the truth. Desert has nothing to do with it. In either event, let's look at some scenarios, shall we?

 

Spoilered so the discussion can be ignored. And why not, let's include a trigger warning as well.

A child wakes up early to make his mother a Fruit Loop omelet on Mother's Day. Does the mother tell him his breakfast is garbage? Even if she does not mention the breakfast specifically, she is lying by omission.

 

Someone gets cancer, it's stage four with a 99% mortality rate within three years. The cancer patient is frightened and overwhelmed by this news to the point of dysfunction. Is it wrong for a friend to say, "Don't worry, we'll fight this and beat this?"

 

A trench in WWI is shelled. One of the soldiers is mortally wounded but still conscious. He is chanting about being thirsty and calling for his "mommy." Would the medic be wrong in saying, "Don't worry, she's coming" as he administers the morphine that will make him insensible and pass easier to the other side?

 

In each of these scenarios, I believe a reasonable person will say it is all right to lie. The child, cancer patient, and soldier are in no healthy state to handle the truth (in the last example, it would just be cruel). Later on, the child can be taught how to make an omelet, once the cancer patient has come to some terms with his condition, you can talk about setting his affairs in order... in some cases, the person can never handle the truth, and blindly following an ideology in those (hopefully rare!) situations is cruel.

 

But to bring this back to Gargoyle's situation: If he wants to be someone people tell the truth to about himself, he has to be someone that can handle that. It looks like he is trying to be that sort of person, and it sucks that people are still uncertain about the type of person he wants to be. Of course, if he continues on his path, they will begin to trust him. It's a process, sometimes long and tedious, but people (the worthwhile ones anyway) can see that and adjust their behavior accordingly.

[The Honor Spren she/her]

I . . . Don't know how to feel about this topic of lies. I know that they're wrong and I tend to not like being lied to, but I have to lie in my house pretty regularly for everyone's sanity.

Let me explain, there's actually a good reason for this. My sister has . . . Let's just say she has lots of feeling and a hard time controlling them. It's mostly little things, like say you had an extra cookie and she didn't, do not ever let her know. She. Will. Explode. There are things I don't want to go too deep into, but there are times when she can't do the truth. For the whole family's good.

[Kestrel she/her]

I've been having a bad night with my parents and I just offloaded it all to my friend.

I just feel worse than before now.

[Guest]

I . . . Don't know how to feel about this topic of lies. I know that they're wrong and I tend to not like being lied to, but I have to lie in my house pretty regularly for everyone's sanity.

Let me explain, there's actually a good reason for this. My sister has . . . Let's just say she has lots of feeling and a hard time controlling them. It's mostly little things, like say you had an extra cookie and she didn't, do not ever let her know. She. Will. Explode. There are things I don't want to go too deep into, but there are times when she can't do the truth. For the whole family's good.

 

Then she needs to learn how to... Trying to remove the situations which cause her to explode aren't going to teach how to control her anger. She can't control when she feels anger, but she has to learn what to do with it. It will only happens if she confronts those events and buying peace never works, not on the long run.

 

With a child who is overly emotional and screams for nothing, you give them ways to calm down, to pass it out and more importantly you validate the fact they have the right to feel angry, even if it's just for a cookie, even if you don't get it. The cookie is important, perhaps because she feels it is unfair? Why would she feels it is unfair? Those reactions are roots, reasons, but the important thing is eventually children understand anger and they try to control it.

 

You have to give them the tools for it, if not they will grow up without any coping mechanism and will explode for a yes or a no. 

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

Aaarrrrrghhhhhhh. 

 

Not too long ago, I'd be paralyzed with fear before I had to take any steps toward a major decision. Taking a new job. Asking my boss for time off. Booking plane tickets. Anything. I thought I was past that, but here I am, a pit in my stomach, trying to work up the courage to email one of my contacts at JPL and then go look at plane tickets. It doesn't help that I feel like I've already made a few missteps that didn't make a good impression at all. 

 

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING 

 

IT SHOULD NOT BE A PROBLEM ANYMORE

[ThirdGen]

Aaarrrrrghhhhhhh. 

 

Not too long ago, I'd be paralyzed with fear before I had to take any steps toward a major decision. Taking a new job. Asking my boss for time off. Booking plane tickets. Anything. I thought I was past that, but here I am, a pit in my stomach, trying to work up the courage to email one of my contacts at JPL and then go look at plane tickets. It doesn't help that I feel like I've already made a few missteps that didn't make a good impression at all. 

 

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING 

 

IT SHOULD NOT BE A PROBLEM ANYMORE

 

Instincts take a while to recondition.  You're alright.

[Briar King]

Think my dvr died. Very unhappy atm

[Kaymyth she/her]

Think my dvr died. Very unhappy atm

 

Cable company issued or home-built?