Autism/neurodivergence club

[Verdance he/him]

4 minutes ago, Through The Living Girl said:

BHAHAJWIWWIW

I always overthink everything, because if I don't then I'll miss stuff and risk sounding stupid but also I'll know less than everyone else!!!

Yes I probably should. Idk what you mean (<- this is one of those times I could explain this sentence but I really don't want to. Might not necessarily be unmasking but yeah anyway ask if u need explanation. Oh wait I just did it again facepalm.)

Im not really going to ask you to explain every single detail of your psychology. I do think you should be able to try and have some of these conversations with yourself on a way,

 But uh which part do you not understand?

[Usseewa ✾ She♡Her ✾]

4 minutes ago, Through The Living Grass said:

Im not really going to ask you to explain every single detail of your psychology. I do think you should be able to try and have some of these conversations with yourself on a way,

 But uh which part do you not understand?

Not worth explaining, it's probably inconsequential don't worry.

 

also I probably sound horrible irl and this is kinda embarrassing to say but I've literally started saying "I know/knew" when someone says something that I was thinking or going to say but didn't and sigh I should probably stop not that people have said anything but they're probably being nice or something idk.

Sigh

anyway I gotta stop complaining or whatever I'm doing.

 

edit: ugh I hate unmasking sometimes because I just sound like a real.. something.

4 minutes ago, Through The Living Grass said:

Im not really going to ask you to explain every single detail of your psychology. I do think you should be able to try and have some of these conversations with yourself on a way,

 But uh which part do you not understand?

Also wait wdym have some of these convos w/Lily? Which convos?

Edited March 16 by Through The Living Girl

[Verdance he/him]

3 minutes ago, Through The Living Girl said:

Not worth explaining, it's probably inconsequential don't worry.

 

also I probably sound horrible irl and this is kinda embarrassing to say but I've literally started saying "I know/knew" when someone says something that I was thinking or going to say but didn't and sigh I should probably stop not that people have said anything but they're probably being nice or something idk.

Sigh

anyway I gotta stop complaining or whatever I'm doing.

 

edit: ugh I hate unmasking sometimes because I just sound like a real.. something.

Also wait wdym have some of these convos w/Lily? What convos?

Why are you talking about yourself in the third person. is this some transgender thing i dont understand please forgive me 

Um like, again idk of this is me being masculine and hiding my emotions but usually when i have doubts similar to what you’re describing i just talk them out with myself logically to try and deal with them. Maybe because im more of a logos than pathos kinda guy idk, need to be more ethos anyhow

[Usseewa ✾ She♡Her ✾]

5 minutes ago, Through The Living Grass said:

Why are you talking about yourself in the third person. is this some transgender thing i dont understand please forgive me 

Um like, again idk of this is me being masculine and hiding my emotions but usually when i have doubts similar to what you’re describing i just talk them out with myself logically to try and deal with them. Maybe because im more of a logos than pathos kinda guy idk, need to be more ethos anyhow

Uhh idk I just felt like it because then I get to use my name. I don't think it's a trans thing *shrug*.

 

Tbh I'm pretty sure I "hide" my emotions a lot. Maybe different but like yeah I when angry or upset sometimes I keep it in mostly.

 

Also sorry I'm lost what doubts was I having?

Edited March 16 by Through The Living Girl

[Verdance he/him]

Just now, Through The Living Girl said:

Uhh idk I just felt like it because then I get to use my name. I don't think it's a trans thing *shrug*.

 

Tbh I'm pretty sure I "hide" my emotions a lot. Maybe different bug like yeah I when angry or upset sometimes I keep it in mostly.

 

Also sorry I'm lost what doubts was I having?

oui okay sorry 

Idk my friend you started the conversation 

im trying to write about drowning :3

[Usseewa ✾ She♡Her ✾]

4 minutes ago, Through The Living Grass said:

oui okay sorry 

Idk my friend you started the conversation 

im trying to write about drowning :3

allg

well maybe my meds kicked in idk cuz what we were talking about is but a distant thing

nice can't wait to read

[Usseewa ✾ She♡Her ✾]

i think i have autism and at first i was kinda chill/happy but now i literally feel horrible and also it explains so much but now I just want to go back to masking because now anything i do is obviously autistic/nd and i don't want to be autistic but also ive been subconsciously (but ive also noticed it) unmasking for days or weeks and now I'm more nd in public and can't help it and ugh

and then when i spiral i just can't express it cuz all the reactions are nd and ugh and now i can't express stuff even if i used to because it's too storming autistic and idk if i mentioned but i just wish i wasn't autistic (if i am) or maybe just it was much easier when i was unintentionally/subconsciously masking...

I'm already talking with someone abt it but figured I'd post here too

yeah

also i was considering it for week/days/weeks but only today was like yeah

 

edit: and like there's just so so so much to process and idek what to do and every thought, word, and action of mine are just stupidly autistic or at least I notice it and then I get frustrated that why the storms do I have to be autistic and then I'm like crap no stop getting frustrated in such an autistic way and then GAH [removed by moderator] 

i guess I'm a bit better rn but still bad.

and like with masking idek what's me and what/who I am and like I didn't even have a life. and it just makes so much sense but yeah.

and i guess I've been talking more and not having as much of an expressionless face and tone and now my voice sounds odd to me and kinda energetic and emotion-infused kinda and stuff.. but i probably sound like a fool anyway. but for masking like what do i do

sure, I wanted be happy and not such of a loser but why does that have to mean unmasking.

and does this mean I'm not trans?

i can barely live with myself ugh

not even my own mind

 

no I'm probably not suicidal but it just feels like that.

 

at least it ... like ... explains why I was so like bad and stuff ...

by bad I mean some of my rudeness or perceived rudeness and also just my inability to do stuff like talking and thinking about crap

whatever i doubt that makes sense

 

edit 2: oh yeah and now I'm just thinking i look stupid in the clothes I wear. like who wears basically all pink like who. and i prolly look stupid in a skirt and trans thigh-high socks like ugh.

 

edit3: now I'm basically back to "normal" as in dull but on the negative side and for some reason i feel worthless idk why tho so maybe it's fake. i also just feel verrrryy weird cuz like for some reason it was a veryvery big realization that I probably have autism and like yah

edit whatever: maybe drained, not worthless?

anyway I'll shut up now

 

edit way later: damn I probably sound so stupid... yeah.. oh and I hate like when i freeze up like with choices because like yeah it's rlly hard

Edited March 20 by AonEne
removed description of self-harm

[KnightSkye Reforged They/Them]

On 3/18/2026 at 12:31 PM, Through The Living Girl said:

i think i have autism and at first i was kinda chill/happy but now i literally feel horrible and also it explains so much but now I just want to go back to masking because now anything i do is obviously autistic/nd and i don't want to be autistic but also ive been subconsciously (but ive also noticed it) unmasking for days or weeks and now I'm more nd in public and can't help it and ugh

*hugs*

Ok take a deep breath. 

Yeah realizing you're autistic, especially when you are also ADHD. 

You probably aren't now acting ND. That's not how it works. You are probably now noticing that you are acting ND, and maybe the actions are more noticeably ND, and that's ok. 

And yeah its stressful and weird.  

And its gonna feel like a lot.

And that is ok. 

Lemme know if you need anything or to talk alr? 

[Usseewa ✾ She♡Her ✾]

3 minutes ago, KnightSkye Reforged said:

*hugs*

Ok take a deep breath. 

Yeah realizing you're autistic, especially when you are also ADHD. 

You probably aren't now acting ND. That's not how it works. You are probably now noticing that you are acting ND, and maybe the actions are more noticeably ND, and that's ok. 

And yeah its stressful and weird.  

And its gonna feel like a lot.

And that is ok. 

Lemme know if you need anything or to talk alr? 

Yeah ty

I think you're right about noticing vs starting..

Yeah I will, thanks

[Usseewa ✾ She♡Her ✾]

Uhh so idk if this is an autism/ND thing or not.. (idk even if i have autism btw. haven't talked to anyone much abt it, but i might. anyway..)

 

So it's kinda hard to explain (like most everything sigh...) but like I just.. spiral and my thoughts loop and I can't think clearly or if I do then every with every thought... I'm like "no you idiot why would you think that stop just ignore it no that's obviously not true no your making it up obviously no stop shut up you ack ack ack aghh [redacted] eeeeee"

...yeah...

i don't rlly wanna say the current example (tho don't worry it's not... bad) but like it happens sometimes with trans stuff, or with autism stuff, or anxiety, procrastination, (though for the latter two it's a bit different but not any better...)

idk

but it's making it rlly hard sometimes to know what's real. meaning my feelings and thoughts and beliefs and such. not in a hallucinatory way. but in a "am I fabricating this and just looking at all the tiny little things that mean nothing and am I making myself think I feel this or making myself feel or think it"

and then sometimes it's just a bunch or self-hate/loathing or self-blame or something.

but like how do i do anything and make progress and *know things* if I... don't know what im faking?

Edited April 3 by Usseewa

[Verdance he/him]

Paragraph two defines my existence. Storm puberty.

idk, autism may be the cause of my overthinking and possibly exasperates by intrusive thoughts to a degree, or maybe thats the ADHD, bineurodivergence makes them kind of intertwined, or even that i dont have neurodivergence but that i understand myself through those lenses-

but yeah thats a big struggle with being alive, the good thing is that if there’s a struggle then you know subconsciously the person you want to be and are trying to correct to it and behave that way

sort of like you’re faking being yourself? Maybe? But in a healthy way?

maybe dont think of it as you’re faking somethings, but that your mortal body/mind can’t catch up with the truth of your identity and soul.

[Usseewa ✾ She♡Her ✾]

3 minutes ago, Verdance said:

Paragraph two defines my existence. Storm puberty.

idk, autism may be the cause of my overthinking and possibly exasperates by intrusive thoughts to a degree, or maybe thats the ADHD, bineurodivergence makes them kind of intertwined, or even that i dont have neurodivergence but that i understand myself through those lenses-

but yeah thats a big struggle with being alive, the good thing is that if there’s a struggle then you know subconsciously the person you want to be and are trying to correct to it and behave that way

sort of like you’re faking being yourself? Maybe? But in a healthy way?

maybe dont think of it as you’re faking somethings, but that your mortal body/mind can’t catch up with the truth of your identity and soul.

but i don't know what to do sometimes

 

[Verdance he/him]

Just now, Usseewa said:

but i don't know what to do sometimes

 

Be the best version of yourself! Uphold your identity, your morals, your happiness. Be kind and don’t hurt people (eckspectially uself)!

[Usseewa ✾ She♡Her ✾]

4 minutes ago, Verdance said:

Be the best version of yourself! Uphold your identity, your morals, your happiness. Be kind and don’t hurt people (eckspectially uself)!

BUT ME DONT wanna be WEIRDDDDD

and uhm like

FAKING AND

what's the word for.. for faking when there's people who are actually real and your not and it's bad?

"eckspectially uself"

LALALALALALALALAA CAN'T HEAAARRRR YOUUUUUU  

[Verdance he/him]

1 hour ago, Usseewa said:

BUT ME DONT wanna be WEIRDDDDD

and uhm like

FAKING AND

what's the word for.. for faking when there's people who are actually real and your not and it's bad?

"eckspectially uself"

LALALALALALALALAA CAN'T HEAAARRRR YOUUUUUU  

Everyone is weird. There are normal weird people, who are just being themselves. Then there are weird weird people, who internalize being weird and actively try to seem strange to other people, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but like- dont do it? 

What i mean is, its okay if you’re kinda weird. We all are. Just be yourself, dont force yourself to be something youre not (unless that is personal growth)

[Usseewa ✾ She♡Her ✾]

2 minutes ago, Verdance said:

 

Just be yourself, dont force yourself to be something youre not (unless that is personal growth)

butbutbut how the ado do i *know* what's myself and what im forcing and what i am and what im not

 

like i just

gahhhh

i wanna

just

 

[BlueWildRye he/him]

1 hour ago, Usseewa said:

butbutbut how the ado do i *know* what's myself and what im forcing and what i am and what im not

 

like i just

gahhhh

i wanna

just

 

I hear you! Sometimes I also have trouble knowing what's truly me and what's just part of my outward character. I've been very outgoing, friendly and humorous all this year and I have a lot of friends because of it, but I know that I'm really an introvert who isn't very good with social skills. Therefore I've basically molded my image around being a loveable oddball genius, when I feel like I could just as well have been a silent, potentially off-putting guy.

I used to be the latter a little over a year ago when I first returned to public school after a year of homeschool, and it was reflected in my clothing (always wearing the same outfit and hoodie every day) and my hair (shaggy and falling over my eyes). These days my hair is shorter and everyone can see my eyes along with my fabulous eyebrows. Also, I wear distinct and dare I say stylish outfits every day (oh yeah, and I became a theatre kid).

I can't change that I'm neurodivergent, I can't change that I'm weird, but I can change how I present my weirdness. And, while I haven't really made this known to anyone and haven't even thought about it much myself, it scares me how easily I can change my personality like that. Who am I really? Is it the quiet kid who wants to be left alone? The quirky and amiable guy with lots of friends? I usually believe myself to be the latter, but sometimes I'm not so sure.

I'm sorry I can't help you because this is a bit of an issue for me as well.

[Verdance he/him]

3 hours ago, Usseewa said:

butbutbut how the ado do i *know* what's myself and what im forcing and what i am and what im not

 

like i just

gahhhh

i wanna

just

 

Okay, not sure how to help with that. What you are is a complex topic which I can’t answer without getting theological, which I don’t think you’d care for. So I’ll give you this- you want to do things, and that’s the truest version of you, right? It’s not perfect, it wants to do things that are good and that are bad, and personally i feel that my core identity and desires are very evil much of the time because my outer self is constantly repressing a lot of really really bad inner desires. So at least as I see it, identity is mixed up between this outer self, which and edited video which we show to the world, and the inner self, which is like raw footage. Outer isn’t everything, inner isn’t exactly true. This is sort of how i have learned to think about it to myself, its very scuffed and complicated and im leaving out a lot of theology that i find is really important to that, but whatever. 

Basically, don’t edit out too much of who you are, but constantly try to improve yourself

@Usseewa has u seen this yet sorry

Edited April 4 by Verdance

[Adonalsium Will Return He/him]

Hello! I have ADHD. 

Umm so what do I say to segue from that to describing my experience? Just pretend I said something that perfectly segued

Yeah so for me it’s like, when I have strong emotions they get way out of hand and I have a meltdown. It’s gotten better since I started taking meds for it (which was a few years ago) but before then it was like one meltdown per week, and I forever gained a reputation as the one who reacts when you push his buttons. So that’s fun. I have some really great friends, both ND and non, and that helps a lot.

Umm yeah so anything else not really. So yeah, that’s my post.

[Ink and Embers Any pronouns]

21 hours ago, Adonalsium Will Return said:

Hello! I have ADHD. 

Umm so what do I say to segue from that to describing my experience? Just pretend I said something that perfectly segued

Yeah so for me it’s like, when I have strong emotions they get way out of hand and I have a meltdown. It’s gotten better since I started taking meds for it (which was a few years ago) but before then it was like one meltdown per week, and I forever gained a reputation as the one who reacts when you push his buttons. So that’s fun. I have some really great friends, both ND and non, and that helps a lot.

Umm yeah so anything else not really. So yeah, that’s my post.

Welcome to the club!

Cool that the meds are helping and horray for friends!!!!

(Pretend I said something actually interesting) Uh ... What's your favourite hobby?

Edited April 14 by Ink and Embers
Trying to think of things to say

[Adonalsium Will Return He/him]

*pretends that you said something interesting*

hobby… Reading, chess, sudoku, DnD

[Akimikoisthecutest]

Does anyone else have different personalities that you use with different friend groups, even sometimes with the same friend groups just irl vs online?

[Adonalsium Will Return He/him]

42 minutes ago, Akimikoisthecutest said:

Does anyone else have different personalities that you use with different friend groups, even sometimes with the same friend groups just irl vs online?

Well, I’m way more open with my friends than the other students at my school, but other than that, not really. 

Side note, do you mean like Shallan or more just like acting differently?

[Usseewa ✾ She♡Her ✾]

2 hours ago, Akimikoisthecutest said:

Does anyone else have different personalities that you use with different friend groups, even sometimes with the same friend groups just irl vs online?

i think kinda..

not entirely sure

and lately i think I've been using more of a similar personality with most everyone

 

code-switching might be what it's called. not sure..

maybe masking

[Aeoryi she/her]

48 minutes ago, Usseewa said:

i think kinda..

not entirely sure

and lately i think I've been using more of a similar personality with most everyone

 

code-switching might be what it's called. not sure..

maybe masking

coat switching

It's normal to act differently in different roles... it's psychologically naturally a normal thing.