Mental health club!

[Verdance he/him]

11 minutes ago, Through The Living Skies said:

You should still put together or look at putting together a safety plan for the peace of mind

You don't want it. It sucks. Also I can't get SSRIs for it even if it were an actual issue due to them having complications with my current meds

One day it'll come for you. As Zahel told Kaladin: "Come back when you hate the fight."

  Reveal hidden contents

Self harm can get addictive fast, or so I've been told. Even if you start out for (relatively) stupid reasons it can spiral out of control 

I'm not well versed in either self harm or suicidal stuff and I want to state that now because although I've had about one close call I really am somewhat new to this

I try not to dwell on depressing thoughts for too long. Better for the sanctity of soul. 

For me I love working around children. No matter how terrible I am feeling, being around children and making a difference in their life makes me feel slightly better, and it gives me a decent reason to live: to provide. Talk more about what makes you happy. Do more of what makes you happy.

OMG yes how long is it been since I worked in the church nursery

SSRIs?
 

tw:sh

Spoiler

Yeah tbf i still want to see myself bleed, the ache kind of felt good and it didnt really hurt hurt

really scares me when i think like that, its so bad somedays. 

——

@Through The Living Girl

Lily, you’re going to be okay. I know you feel the desire to be depressed, it feels so genuine and deserved. As Vessel said, “basking in the solace of regret”. But in the end, you can’t stay depressed forever. Let it clear your mind, then make yourself determined. If you feel guilt and anxiety, motivate yourself to fix your situation. I believe in you! You are so brave with your transition, you can be brave here too. You might not think it, but you do deserve to be happy. If you’re interested, I’d love to share some bible verses with you that I have been coming back to recently, or if you’re not that’s fine. It’s okay to hurt. 

But seriously. You’re going to be okay. Someday you’re going to look back on where you came from and it will be amazing, like looking down from a mountain. 

Edited March 14 by Through The Living Grass

[Aeoryi she/her]

4 minutes ago, Through The Living Girl said:

i dont want to put together a plan or wtvr maybe because then it'd be real

ok, and? So what if it's real? Those who love you will be happy that you've done it. For me it was as simple as promising to call someone before I did anything and that's worked somewhat... It's a bittersweet kind of thing. 

But better to get something in place now while you're still thinking this way then later when you will be unable to do this sort of advance planning.

[Usseewa]

5 minutes ago, Through The Living Grass said:

OMG yes how long is it been since I worked in the church nursery

SSRIs?
 

tw:sh

  Reveal hidden contents

Yeah tbf i still want to see myself bleed, the ache kind of felt good and it didnt really hurt hurt

really scares me when i think like that, its so bad somedays. 

——

@Through The Living Girl

Lily, you’re going to be okay. I know you feel the desire to be depressed, it feels so genuine and deserved. As Vessel said, “basking in the solace of regret”. But in the end, you can’t stay depressed forever. Let it clear your mind, then make yourself determined. If you feel guilt and anxiety, motivate yourself to fix your situation. I believe in you! You are so brave with your transition, you can be brave here too. You might not think it, but you do deserve to be happy. If you’re interested, I’d love to share some bible verses with you that I have been coming back to recently, or if you’re not that’s fine. It’s okay to hurt. 

But seriously. You’re going to be okay. Someday you’re going to look back on where you came from and it will be amazing, like looking down from a mountain. 

thank you very much. these words are.. sorry I can't word but know that they meant a lot to me, like a lot. hopefully the motivation I just felt will last. thank you

edit:if u dont mind...im gonna save them to look back on

Edited March 14 by Through The Living Girl

[Aeoryi she/her]

2 minutes ago, Through The Living Grass said:

OMG yes how long is it been since I worked in the church nursery

SSRIs?

I dedicate my life to volunteering because it makes a difference. 

SSRIs inhibit serotonin-targeting enzymes, thereby increasing the presence of the neurotransmitter serotonin in the synaptic cleft. Commonly used to treat depression (antidepressants)

4 minutes ago, Through The Living Grass said:

Spoiler

Yeah tbf i still want to see myself bleed, the ache kind of felt good and it didnt really hurt hurt

really scares me when i think like that, its so bad somedays. 

(Sh)

(Sh)

Spoiler

I've considered it quite a few times... I have some scissors that I treasure that I've used before ... but the thing is whenever I consider it I always "see the future" in a sense (get a vivid imagery of what that'd look like) and recoil. Then I bully myself for not being able to even do that. 

I don't think I'm at risk of self harm at all because I'm really afraid of pain and the prospect of intervention. But it does kind of perpetuate worse thoughtlines

 

[Verdance he/him]

7 minutes ago, Through The Living Girl said:

thank you very much. these words are.. sorry I can't word but know that they meant a lot to me, like a lot. hopefully the motivation I just felt will last. thank you

edit:if u dont mind...im gonna save them to look back on

Go for it. I’m honored, honestly. 

Quote

I've considered it quite a few times... I have some scissors that I treasure that I've used before ... but the thing is whenever I consider it I always "see the future" in a sense (get a vivid imagery of what that'd look like) and recoil. Then I bully myself for not being able to even do that. 

I don't think I'm at risk of self harm at all because I'm really afraid of pain and the prospect of intervention. But it does kind of perpetuate worse thoughtlines

SH

Spoiler

Yeah uh. I give myself excuses not to, right now the main one is “its summer and I can’t hide the scars”

also the amount of veins on my arm that i might accidentally cut open. 

but like seriously. Not worth it. I dont wanna die, the rational part of me no longer wants to feel pain, idk if you care at all what i say but trust me its not worth it.

SH

Edited March 14 by Through The Living Grass

[Usseewa]

well bye guys ima head to bed at a nice time and get some rest

thanks for the support/help

i'm glad i decided to post that here

[Aeoryi she/her]

2 minutes ago, Through The Living Girl said:

well bye guys ima head to bed at a nice time and get some rest

thanks for the support/help

i'm glad i decided to post that here

I'm sorry if I wasn't much of a help I struggle a lot with compassion burnout sometimes 

12 minutes ago, Through The Living Grass said:

Go for it. I’m honored, honestly. 

  Hide contents

Yeah uh. I give myself excuses not to, right now the main one is “its summer and I can’t hide the scars”

also the amount of veins on my arm that i might accidentally cut open. 

but like seriously. Not worth it. I dont wanna die, the rational part of me no longer wants to feel pain, idk if you care at all what i say but trust me its not worth it.

SH

SH + suicide

Spoiler

This part has a second spoiler because it specifically mentions veins and arteries you should avoid damaging:

Spoiler

I am going to tell you this because I believe you should know it, not because I condone it: Your brachial artery connects (basically) directly off of the heart's aorta and runs along the arms. It's what you use to measure your pulse in your wrist. Do not cut that, because if you do, you'll basically always need to go to the ER and then that's a really big ordeal. Same with the iliac artery and veins which are in your thighs- avoid damaging them because if you do, it'll be a trip to the ER

It's good if you give yourself excuses because then you aren't doing it. I do find it interesting that hurting for you is more appealing to leaving it behind. I don't really want to die, I just don't want to exist. And that's different than wanting to die, in my opinion.

Like, I would prefer to just fade away. Or liquidate and go down the drain. Or evaporate. 

 

[Verdance he/him]

9 minutes ago, Through The Living Skies said:

I'm sorry if I wasn't much of a help I struggle a lot with compassion burnout sometimes 

SH + suicide

  Hide contents

This part has a second spoiler because it specifically mentions veins and arteries you should avoid damaging:

  Hide contents

I am going to tell you this because I believe you should know it, not because I condone it: Your brachial artery connects (basically) directly off of the heart's aorta and runs along the arms. It's what you use to measure your pulse in your wrist. Do not cut that, because if you do, you'll basically always need to go to the ER and then that's a really big ordeal. Same with the iliac artery and veins which are in your thighs- avoid damaging them because if you do, it'll be a trip to the ER

It's good if you give yourself excuses because then you aren't doing it. I do find it interesting that hurting for you is more appealing to leaving it behind. I don't really want to die, I just don't want to exist. And that's different than wanting to die, in my opinion.

Like, I would prefer to just fade away. Or liquidate and go down the drain. Or evaporate. 

 

Spoiler

Already been in an ambulance, spent a night with a fat white lady staring at me through the window while i wore paper clothes, just generally dont want to hurt myself anymore. Sometimes i want to punish myself for things, sometimes it’s filling a void that i usually fill with like, youtube shorts which sickens me. Generally, i dont want to be happy, but i want to want to be happy. 

Hm, yes, I actually agree. Hell is horrifying, but heaven sounds really uncomfortable. Its all gold and shiny and you sing all the time and i cant imagine getting quiet time. Im so freaking introverted. 

 

[Aeoryi she/her]

4 minutes ago, Through The Living Grass said:

  Hide contents

 

 

Already been in an ambulance, spent a night with a fat white lady staring at me through the window while i wore paper clothes, just generally dont want to hurt myself anymore. Sometimes i want to punish myself for things, sometimes it’s filling a void that i usually fill with like, youtube shorts which sickens me. Generally, i dont want to be happy, but i want to want to be happy. 

Hm, yes, I actually agree. Hell is horrifying, but heaven sounds really uncomfortable. Its all gold and shiny and you sing all the time and i cant imagine getting quiet time. Im so freaking introverted. 

Spoiler

Yikes I didn't realize...

I don't expect there to be anything after... only peace, and nothing can hurt me again

(Tw: suicide)

[Verdance he/him]

6 minutes ago, Through The Living Skies said:

  Hide contents

Yikes I didn't realize...

I don't expect there to be anything after... only peace, and nothing can hurt me again

(Tw: suicide)

Idk my friend, if im wrong it wont hurt me. Just want to make some art for myself, enjoy life, do the most good i can.

[Aeoryi she/her]

3 minutes ago, Through The Living Ghost said:

Hugggsss*

tw sh

  Hide contents

Plssss use clean blades or sharp objects pls

 

But like Aeo said pls don’t do it but if u do yk

sorry you had to walk in on this ik it's very sad

 

6 minutes ago, Through The Living Grass said:

Idk my friend, if im wrong it wont hurt me. Just want to make some art for myself, enjoy life, do the most good i can.

Spoiler

But what good is life if eventually all we do will be erased? What good is anything if ultimately it is futile? 

 

[Honors Spectral Image She/her]

2 minutes ago, Through The Living Skies said:

sorry you had to walk in on this ik it's very sad

 

  Reveal hidden contents

But what good is life if eventually all we do will be erased? What good is anything if ultimately it is futile? 

 

Ur good ninety percent of my friends are suicidal and then other ten percent are suicidal and have a history with sh

[Aeoryi she/her]

1 minute ago, Through The Living Ghost said:

Ur good ninety percent of my friends are suicidal and then other ten percent are suicidal and have a history with sh

I have a lot of friends who joke about sh it irks me

[Honors Spectral Image She/her]

7 minutes ago, Through The Living Skies said:

I have a lot of friends who joke about sh it irks me

That pisses me off, u can only joke abt that stuff if it’s actually something u struggle with and even then u shouldnt

[Kansas Stormcursed he/him]

2 hours ago, Through The Living Skies said:

tw depressing stuff

  Reveal hidden contents

the thing is that you can start to have thoughts that you genuinely consider because you start to feel like you don't deserve your own mercy

More on this later

*Hugs*

1 hour ago, Through The Living Grass said:

In my case, I am jealous of people with depression, because i am so freaking autistic (this is not a joke).

I want to feel more sad, i want to feel pain, i want to wake up from this rotting mildly amused complacency, so i have real anxiety and artificial depression. But it’s not healthy. 

  Hide contents

This did lead me to hurt myself a few weeks ago and i totally regret it, it was stupid and pointless and didnt fix my problems.

TW self harm

i find that this fake depression goes away when i get outside. I really really really enjoy getting out into nature, especially with music, as you already know. So we need to find what lets you be genuinely happy.

*Hugs*

1 hour ago, Through The Living Skies said:

You should still put together or look at putting together a safety plan for the peace of mind

You don't want it. It sucks. Also I can't get SSRIs for it even if it were an actual issue due to them having complications with my current meds

One day it'll come for you. As Zahel told Kaladin: "Come back when you hate the fight."

  Hide contents

Self harm can get addictive fast, or so I've been told. Even if you start out for (relatively) stupid reasons it can spiral out of control 

I'm not well versed in either self harm or suicidal stuff and I want to state that now because although I've had about one close call I really am somewhat new to this

I try not to dwell on depressing thoughts for too long. Better for the sanctity of soul. 

For me I love working around children. No matter how terrible I am feeling, being around children and making a difference in their life makes me feel slightly better, and it gives me a decent reason to live: to provide. Talk more about what makes you happy. Do more of what makes you happy.

Spoiler

Self-harm can get addictive really fast and really deep, and (getting into my own opinion, I don't necessarily know if this is fact but I would say it's a fair classification) it need not be just limited to physical harm. There are other ways to scar yourself, ones we think are easier to hide, but waging psychological war on yourself is still self-harm.

1 hour ago, Through The Living Grass said:

OMG yes how long is it been since I worked in the church nursery

SSRIs?
 

tw:sh

  Hide contents

Yeah tbf i still want to see myself bleed, the ache kind of felt good and it didnt really hurt hurt

really scares me when i think like that, its so bad somedays. 

——

@Through The Living Girl

Lily, you’re going to be okay. I know you feel the desire to be depressed, it feels so genuine and deserved. As Vessel said, “basking in the solace of regret”. But in the end, you can’t stay depressed forever. Let it clear your mind, then make yourself determined. If you feel guilt and anxiety, motivate yourself to fix your situation. I believe in you! You are so brave with your transition, you can be brave here too. You might not think it, but you do deserve to be happy. If you’re interested, I’d love to share some bible verses with you that I have been coming back to recently, or if you’re not that’s fine. It’s okay to hurt. 

But seriously. You’re going to be okay. Someday you’re going to look back on where you came from and it will be amazing, like looking down from a mountain. 

*Hugs*

1 hour ago, Through The Living Skies said:

I dedicate my life to volunteering because it makes a difference. 

SSRIs inhibit serotonin-targeting enzymes, thereby increasing the presence of the neurotransmitter serotonin in the synaptic cleft. Commonly used to treat depression (antidepressants)

(Sh)

  Hide contents

I've considered it quite a few times... I have some scissors that I treasure that I've used before ... but the thing is whenever I consider it I always "see the future" in a sense (get a vivid imagery of what that'd look like) and recoil. Then I bully myself for not being able to even do that. 

I don't think I'm at risk of self harm at all because I'm really afraid of pain and the prospect of intervention. But it does kind of perpetuate worse thoughtlines

 

*Hugs*

1 hour ago, Through The Living Grass said:

Go for it. I’m honored, honestly. 

  Hide contents

Yeah uh. I give myself excuses not to, right now the main one is “its summer and I can’t hide the scars”

also the amount of veins on my arm that i might accidentally cut open. 

but like seriously. Not worth it. I dont wanna die, the rational part of me no longer wants to feel pain, idk if you care at all what i say but trust me its not worth it.

SH

Excuses are good, they're what keep you from doing it

1 hour ago, Through The Living Skies said:

I'm sorry if I wasn't much of a help I struggle a lot with compassion burnout sometimes 

SH + suicide

  Hide contents

This part has a second spoiler because it specifically mentions veins and arteries you should avoid damaging:

  Hide contents

I am going to tell you this because I believe you should know it, not because I condone it: Your brachial artery connects (basically) directly off of the heart's aorta and runs along the arms. It's what you use to measure your pulse in your wrist. Do not cut that, because if you do, you'll basically always need to go to the ER and then that's a really big ordeal. Same with the iliac artery and veins which are in your thighs- avoid damaging them because if you do, it'll be a trip to the ER

It's good if you give yourself excuses because then you aren't doing it. I do find it interesting that hurting for you is more appealing to leaving it behind. I don't really want to die, I just don't want to exist. And that's different than wanting to die, in my opinion.

Like, I would prefer to just fade away. Or liquidate and go down the drain. Or evaporate. 

 

35 minutes ago, Through The Living Ghost said:

Hugggsss*

tw sh

  Hide contents

Plsssss plssss don’t do it idk if there’s anything I can do to help but if you do do it Plssss make sure whatever you use is clean

 

But like Aeo said pls don’t do it but if u do yk

Hey guys, so a quick note on this:

Spoiler

So this, helpful as it may be, is generally also a bit of a psychological shooting-yourself-in-the-foot thing. I understand trying to keep them safe, but the best way to do that is to try to keep them from harming themselves at all. Fear of full, major harm is a key inhibitor of self-harm that I've seen, and telling them how to do it "safer" can actually give them more likelihood to do it, since they no longer have that major fear barrier.

Now, that said, I'm not a psych expert, and would like @#1 Taln Fan's opinion and input on this, but this is just how it seems to me based on the people I interact with over the years.

 

[Verdance he/him]

8 hours ago, Kansas Stormcursed said:

*Hugs*

*Hugs*

  Hide contents

Self-harm can get addictive really fast and really deep, and (getting into my own opinion, I don't necessarily know if this is fact but I would say it's a fair classification) it need not be just limited to physical harm. There are other ways to scar yourself, ones we think are easier to hide, but waging psychological war on yourself is still self-harm.

*Hugs*

*Hugs*

Excuses are good, they're what keep you from doing it

Hey guys, so a quick note on this:

  Hide contents

So this, helpful as it may be, is generally also a bit of a psychological shooting-yourself-in-the-foot thing. I understand trying to keep them safe, but the best way to do that is to try to keep them from harming themselves at all. Fear of full, major harm is a key inhibitor of self-harm that I've seen, and telling them how to do it "safer" can actually give them more likelihood to do it, since they no longer have that major fear barrier.

Now, that said, I'm not a psych expert, and would like @#1 Taln Fan's opinion and input on this, but this is just how it seems to me based on the people I interact with over the years.

 

Thank you. And yes, “please be safe about your self harm” is honestly something I don’t want to hear. It comes from caring, but please don’t 

 

9 hours ago, Through The Living Skies said:

sorry you had to walk in on this ik it's very sad

 

  Hide contents

But what good is life if eventually all we do will be erased? What good is anything if ultimately it is futile? 

 

this is a really great question. Do you want me to answer philosophically or religiously?

[#1 Taln Fan he/him]

@Kansas Stormcursed
(And all)
SH

Spoiler

There isn't really any conclusive research showing that giving safety advice makes it worse/makes people SH more often. I think it should be conditional. The focus should be on stopping completely, but if someone does SH, they should do so in a way that minimizes risk of infection/other problems. But it's going to be somewhat dangerous no matter what, not to mention the psychological harm. (If I get the chance, I'll ask my professor (who's a therapist as well) and she if she has a more concrete answer for you)
I can not stress enough that as much as SH may seem to briefly help in the moment. It's proven to make the problems worse in the long run, and just increase your emotional distress over time. You're just pushing it off and making it even bigger when you inevitably have to face those feelings/problems. Also there's numerous international and national SH/suicide/crisis hotlines that exist and are one google search away. Use them please.

 

[Kansas Stormcursed he/him]

28 minutes ago, #1 Taln Fan said:

@Kansas Stormcursed
(And all)
SH

  Reveal hidden contents

There isn't really any conclusive research showing that giving safety advice makes it worse/makes people SH more often. I think it should be conditional. The focus should be on stopping completely, but if someone does SH, they should do so in a way that minimizes risk of infection/other problems. But it's going to be somewhat dangerous no matter what, not to mention the psychological harm. (If I get the chance, I'll ask my professor (who's a therapist as well) and she if she has a more concrete answer for you)
I can not stress enough that as much as SH may seem to briefly help in the moment. It's proven to make the problems worse in the long run, and just increase your emotional distress over time. You're just pushing it off and making it even bigger when you inevitably have to face those feelings/problems. Also there's numerous international and national SH/suicide/crisis hotlines that exist and are one google search away. Use them please.

 

Danke sehr

[Honors Spectral Image She/her]

1 hour ago, Through The Living Grass said:

Thank you. And yes, “please be safe about your self harm” is honestly something I don’t want to hear. It comes from caring, but please don’t 

Ok I’m rly sorry it’s something I’d heard other people say and just yah I’m rly sorry

[Usseewa]

14 hours ago, Through The Living Skies said:

I'm sorry if I wasn't much of a help I struggle a lot with compassion burnout sometimes 

It's alright, I get it.

Also sometimes it can be hard when your also depressed... full-on Shalladin iykyk

 

also @Through The Living Grass and others uhm how do I be happy? Well, I can be neutral and positive and happy but there can still be lurking intrusive thoughts and stuff and then I feel like I'm putting on an act at times. I have had genuine happiness/comfort, I think, a week or two ago before I made myself depressed.

So, today I'm trying to follow Verde's words (my nickname for you lol) and realize that I don't actually want to make myself depressed because it's bad and won't be good overall, and that I CAN make myself better and have motivation and stuff. But what do I do to make myself happy, like activity-wise? Especially when I can't do much in a specific scenario, don't have much available? I guess maybe try not to dwell on stuff but that doesn't work (ironic processing theory [which I just and briefly learned about], basically The Game but with intrusive thoughts). So uhm yeah. Like I feel better I think overall from everything we talked about last night but still feel fragile I guess? Also I'm struggling with the "deserving happiness" not because I don't think I deserve happiness but because I don't know what I think (if I think I do or think I don't). Maybe it's just that deserving isn't a problem for me, or it's a large one and hard to stuff. Idk I'm just confusing myself. But why would I want to be depressed anyway?

[Honors Spectral Image She/her]

4 minutes ago, Through The Living Girl said:

It's alright, I get it.

Also sometimes it can be hard when your also depressed... full-on Shalladin iykyk

 

also @Through The Living Grass and others uhm how do I be happy? Well, I can be neutral and positive and happy but there can still be lurking intrusive thoughts and stuff and then I feel like I'm putting on an act at times. I have had genuine happiness/comfort, I think, a week or two ago before I made myself depressed.

So, today I'm trying to follow Verde's words (my nickname for you lol) and realize that I don't actually want to make myself depressed because it's bad and won't be good overall, and that I CAN make myself better and have motivation and stuff. But what do I do to make myself happy, like activity-wise? Especially when I can't do much in a specific scenario, don't have much available? I guess maybe try not to dwell on stuff but that doesn't work (ironic processing theory [which I just and briefly learned about], basically The Game but with intrusive thoughts). So uhm yeah. Like I feel better I think overall from everything we talked about last night but still feel fragile I guess? Also I'm struggling with the "deserving happiness" not because I don't think I deserve happiness but because I don't know what I think (if I think I do or think I don't). Maybe it's just that deserving isn't a problem for me, or it's a large one and hard to stuff. Idk I'm just confusing myself. But why would I want to be depressed anyway?

Hmm ok ok I’ve said this before but there is GENUINE scientific evidence that going outside helps negate depression and what not, other than that just do what makes u happy and if u don’t know just try stuff make some crafts decorate ur room and that stuff.

now if ur asking how to convince urself that u deserve to be happy im not sure it’s still something I’m figuring out

[Usseewa]

3 minutes ago, Through The Living Ghost said:

Hmm ok ok I’ve said this before but there is GENUINE scientific evidence that going outside helps negate depression and what not, other than that just do what makes u happy and if u don’t know just try stuff make some crafts decorate ur room and that stuff.

now if ur asking how to convince urself that u deserve to be happy im not sure it’s still something I’m figuring out

I know; everyone says going outside is good. Sometimes—mainly recently—I've actually enjoyed it and wanted to (which was rare for me in the past). But also sometimes thinking about that makes me depressed because then I'm alone with my thoughts and yeah..

I will say that what has genuinely helped I think (last night and today. and thanks Verde) is to think that I CAN do "this." I CAN stop being depressed, and it actually IS the better choice. Also, this works when the thing making me feel horrible is because I'm doing something wrong (like procrastinating) and then I think that I can/will get it done. Also.. when I start mentally beating myself up, I've become aware of it (in the past few weeks) and now I just calm down and stop that spiral and tell myself that "it's fine, it's okay, I'm not a bad person for this." And that helps put me back in a good space, at least for that moment.

But I still feel like I'm teetering or fragile or not-quite-completely-better and I guess that makes sense, as little is overnight (in this case, literally) and i probably gotta "heal" or whatever (which means I was broken I guess...) and stuff. So I guess what I want to know is am I doing the right thing right now, or if that's something only I can answer then how do I know if/when I am? What does it look like, how do I know if I'm on the right path? Also should I talk to anyone irl? I rlly don't want to but I have plenty in the past but I don't want to because then it means I've just been lying again about feeling better or I've undone the progress we made idk.

Uhh

Anyway I'ma go be happy or try

[Honors Spectral Image She/her]

1 minute ago, Through The Living Girl said:

I know; everyone says going outside is good. Sometimes—mainly recently—I've actually enjoyed it and wanted to (which was rare for me in the past). But also sometimes thinking about that makes me depressed because then I'm alone with my thoughts and yeah..

I will say that what has genuinely helped I think (last night and today. and thanks Verde) is to think that I CAN do "this." I CAN stop being depressed, and it actually IS the better choice. Also, this works when the thing making me feel horrible is because I'm doing something wrong (like procrastinating) and then I think that I can/will get it done. Also.. when I start mentally beating myself up, I've become aware of it (in the past few weeks) and now I just calm down and stop that spiral and tell myself that "it's fine, it's okay, I'm not a bad person for this." And that helps put me back in a good space, at least for that moment.

But I still feel like I'm teetering or fragile or not-quite-completely-better and I guess that makes sense, as little is overnight (in this case, literally) and i probably gotta "heal" or whatever (which means I was broken I guess...) and stuff. So I guess what I want to know is am I doing the right thing right now, or if that's something only I can answer then how do I know if/when I am? What does it look like, how do I know if I'm on the right path? Also should I talk to anyone irl? I rlly don't want to but I have plenty in the past but I don't want to because then it means I've just been lying again about feeling better or I've undone the progress we made idk.

Uhh

Anyway I'ma go be happy or try

Mmm yah, I suggest seeing if there’s a person u know irl like ur best friend or smthin that u can talk to abt this, for me it’s @Kansas Stormcursed but just like they will know u better than we do and will be able to help

u more

[Verdance he/him]

24 minutes ago, Through The Living Girl said:

It's alright, I get it.

Also sometimes it can be hard when your also depressed... full-on Shalladin iykyk

 

also @Through The Living Grass and others uhm how do I be happy? Well, I can be neutral and positive and happy but there can still be lurking intrusive thoughts and stuff and then I feel like I'm putting on an act at times. I have had genuine happiness/comfort, I think, a week or two ago before I made myself depressed.

So, today I'm trying to follow Verde's words (my nickname for you lol) and realize that I don't actually want to make myself depressed because it's bad and won't be good overall, and that I CAN make myself better and have motivation and stuff. But what do I do to make myself happy, like activity-wise? Especially when I can't do much in a specific scenario, don't have much available? I guess maybe try not to dwell on stuff but that doesn't work (ironic processing theory [which I just and briefly learned about], basically The Game but with intrusive thoughts). So uhm yeah. Like I feel better I think overall from everything we talked about last night but still feel fragile I guess? Also I'm struggling with the "deserving happiness" not because I don't think I deserve happiness but because I don't know what I think (if I think I do or think I don't). Maybe it's just that deserving isn't a problem for me, or it's a large one and hard to stuff. Idk I'm just confusing myself. But why would I want to be depressed anyway?

That’s a difficult question. Learning a skill is a good thing, spending time outside, physical labor, all have a bit of fulfillment in them. 
Really it’s up to you, there are some questions you’re going yo have to answer for yourself. I could get theological but that’s a rabbit hole tbh

 

[#1 Taln Fan he/him]

49 minutes ago, Through The Living Girl said:

But what do I do to make myself happy, like activity-wise?

As others have said, going outside is great for both physical and mental. Spend as much time off screens as possible, time with IRL friends whenever you can. Engaging in creative activities (especially if non-digital) is also very good for you. Doing a daily "3 good things" at the end of each day is also shown to help increase positive emotions. (Writing down 3 things throughout your day that made you happy, or smile, or were even mildly enjoyable, no matter how small). Gratitude journaling is also great. 

Specific activities are up to you, but in general, outdoor and creative activities are best, and things with friends are good.
Also, there may be certain momentary situations when dwelling on emotions/problems isn't the best, but generally you do want to think on them and process them at least some. Like for as short as 5 seconds, maybe longer, but keep it to a finite amount of time. Then go do something that aligns with your goals of who you want to be in the long term. (Though ruminating for a long while without doing anything isn't good)

35 minutes ago, Through The Living Girl said:

Also should I talk to anyone irl? I rlly don't want to but I have plenty in the past but I don't want to because then it means I've just been lying again about feeling better or I've undone the progress we made idk.

Yes, please do. Saying that you're fine while not being fine is a practically universal experience, so most people can relate. If my friends opened up about mental struggles that they'd be hiding, I'd in no way judge them for hiding it, I'd just want to help them. If your friends are actual friends, they'll feel the same.