Usseewa

うっせえわ that ado :3

hm tru..

Sigh. I've been listening to the radio at night sometimes to stay up and it's lot of it is religious and/or spiritual. Like, the people are and they talk about it and stuff. I've been like this for a bit.. where i sort of envy religious people. I'm trying to understand it... Sometimes I envy their belief in an afterlife (though also I believe spiritual nonreligious people can believe in one, too?), their hope... their love. By love I mean... sometimes it feels like .. like they have something to look to, to give them hope or make them feel loved or whatever. Hopefully I'm not misunderstanding idk. And last night part of the radio thing was someone basically talking about having a vision-esque of Jesus or smth, and feeling love and hope and all that... and other people too just ... idk. I feel stupid saying all this. Maybe I shouldn't be listening to this so much. There's probably other ways to feel happy tbh.. There are.. I struggle to know what I believe anymore and have a sense of my own self and my mind and ... like i was lying in bed and it was weird thinking of the concept of my self my life my body... idk i mainly exist looking at other people's lives. escapism, perhaps. maybe I haven't found care or love or whatever th heck from peopel ... i mean saying that is stupid cuz i have... but idk. maybe they're up-playing it ... there seemed to be some proseletysing language on the radio... idk. but like some people seem to use their faith to hold on through rough times, so what do i do? my life just feels kinds meaningless. i wish i could believe in an afterlife tbh... or *anything* post-death... cuz maybe it'd give me hope.. of something better.. something that meant life doesnt just end.. i wish i could belive in spiritual stuff like some people I know... to find happiness or moments of joy to help with grief that i dont think ive ever felt.. yet..? my parents used to tell me that even when they died (i had... a fear of them dying ... it made me very sad when i was younger to think theyd be gone some day and id have to live without them and .. and like they were really the only people in my world pretty much.. so like yeh..) theyd still be with me and whatnot.. and stuff with next lives and stuff.. but i dont think ive ever believed in that, so it... idk. Maybe i did initially.. and it did make me happy-sad probably.... but idk. maybe thats why people believe it anyway. ado maybe its that im starting to wonder if im the one who's wrong, since it appears to me that.. pretty much everyone believes in something i dont- religion or spirituality or afterlife in general or the universe stuff, whatever that fits into ("it's a sign from the universe"), or ancestors, or paranormal (kinda spiritual tho?), or.. idk. Basically that's just spiritual and religious. maybe too cuz the radio people keep saying contradicting political views to mine (ill try not to get into that cuz its against rules maybe). So like, ... idk but its also the only thing there. They talk of "me" (my views) as .. "we" talk of their's. Sigh.. Or maybe ive never been around people with mine. i mean.. i mean that differently and not as literally as it may seem. i know (or think?) that spirituality and religion are different and probably some people here have beliefs i dont but.. idk. it doesnt rly matter tbh but idk.... i just grew up with all this.. sll this stuff snd i never told them i didnt believe it until like.. it took a while. st least for some of it ... and like for them its a normal part of life, they believe it they dont seem to question it and then i just silently dont hold that beliefs and.. i feel - felt, i guess - alone? i felt so long i was keeping a secret, had to pretend or smth ... hopefully nothing i say here is hateful.. im not intending to be .. but tbh someone can be so without knowing any better snd then needs to educated.. but like i dont believe in anything. or maybe i do, who knows. maybe i believe in something so innately that it feels "real," which maybe is exactly how others feel? and sometimes.. sometimes i find myself eithrr... like wanting to erite or make up storoes thst have beliefs i dont have .. badicaly like the fantasy genre sort of. in a way. then i start hating on myself and accuse myself of wanting to create a religion.. sigh or maybe i do, but in fiction.. and i cant separate that. i dont know what i want anymore, but i envy certain aspects of religion. Maybe i just want to feel like my life has meaning. matters. that im not so alone. edit: i was also.. basically raised by one to think that religion is bad (pretty much.. at leadt thsts what i got out of it) and now that its changing and im more curious.. more accepting... which is honestly probably a good think cuz like... you know... discrimination and stuff is bad... including for religion... i assume... so now ive also been questioned if im religious and like "its okay though! just not if you're __________, _________, etc. And not of you __________....".. and basically i still see it as not me and not sometihing i can do cuz ... yeah. uhm. ............ i dont think im religious tho.. dont think i could believ e in anything. .. sigh i hate .. things.. myself .. i keep feeling like ehat i think of or want is morally wrong and is horrible .. what i want or consider cuz idk what i want cuz i think everything except how i am now (whatever the heck that is..) is wrong... edit2: idk maybe idk idk idk if idk why did i even erite this.. ado... now i js feel sick

sometimes giod turns to bad or vice versa..

storm it

And I was dancin' in the rain I felt alive and I can't complain But no, take me home Take me home where I belong I can't take it anymore — AURORA, Runaway I think I feel stuck, held back, trapped, immobile, incapable. Burdened by something unexplainable, perhaps. Myself or something else. I crave freedom, perhaps the only thing I want in life. Yet I don't know if that's too idyllic or perfect or... wonderful... to be attainable, realistic. To exist. I crave freedom from life as I have known it, from my body. My body with its needs, its shakiness, its need for food and such. My body inhibits me. My voice. Everything. I don't know how to live, either. Yet I want to figure it out. But can't, or don't. I want to look up, take of my headphones, see the world. Yet I sit here on this bench without awareness of the nothingness around me. I sit here in the very freedom I crave so dearly, and I... I don't know. I used it some... but. I don't know, I don't... like this line of thinking somehow. I want an escape. I... I want to live. I so dearly want to live but I don't. I want to exist but I stay hidden. I want to learn. I want to know. I want to feel. Yet I sigh. Now, I take off my headphones and... and nothing. But that's good. Peace. Maybe I can't live, maybe I can live, maybe nothing exists. I don't know what to do with my life. Everything seems so... separated from me. I don't feel a world exists. Yet I want it. I want to be able to feel it, be in it... I don't even know what I'm saying anymore... I want freedom. I wish life were different. I wish I could have made my own choices years ago... been alive then. Am I alive now? I can't even imagine what I want, even though I can achieve some of it... it is within my reach. I am too sad... perhaps. I don't know what... anything is. I don't even want to go back to my room or stay up late for no reason doing nothing, don't want to do nothing, don't want to do anything, don't want to sleep, don't want to think don't want to do anything don't want .. i dont want anything but i must do something even if that is nothing. I hate this... i hate writing this... i hating all of it. i hate it. I don't want anything but i dont want this. I think i feel sick... i think i ... i want to cry but i cant the tears wont come and when they donthey stop too wuickly. i want to cry for a bit i dont care if .. just let me cry please just let the tears come as they once mightve plesse i need it plesee pleasse pllease. why i am begging this is sfo stupid but pleas... instead there is nothing but i still feel it there... out of reach. mybe its the dehydratoon.. but i just get sadder when i think of drinking.. i get sad when i think of eating.. the sadness makes it worse and i feel sick with each bite.. i feel sick and cant eat and i just want to cry but the tears wont come.. i just want to cry but i cant... please just let me cry.. i want ... to not feel ... cold..lonely... but sometimes connection makes me sick.. feels wrong.. i dont wanna be sad if i cant cry.. i dont wanna not be sad if ill feel nothing .. i cant think...... its eaier to dream in bed than to exist