And I was dancin' in the rain

I felt alive and I can't complain

But no, take me home

Take me home where I belong

I can't take it anymore

— AURORA, Runaway

I think I feel stuck, held back, trapped, immobile, incapable. Burdened by something unexplainable, perhaps. Myself or something else. I crave freedom, perhaps the only thing I want in life. Yet I don't know if that's too idyllic or perfect or... wonderful... to be attainable, realistic. To exist.

I crave freedom from life as I have known it, from my body. My body with its needs, its shakiness, its need for food and such. My body inhibits me. My voice. Everything.

I don't know how to live, either. Yet I want to figure it out. But can't, or don't.

I want to look up, take of my headphones, see the world. Yet I sit here on this bench without awareness of the nothingness around me. I sit here in the very freedom I crave so dearly, and I... I don't know. I used it some... but. I don't know, I don't... like this line of thinking somehow.

I want an escape. I... I want to live. I so dearly want to live but I don't. I want to exist but I stay hidden. I want to learn. I want to know. I want to feel. Yet I sigh.

Now, I take off my headphones and... and nothing. But that's good. Peace.

Maybe I can't live, maybe I can live, maybe nothing exists.

I don't know what to do with my life. Everything seems so... separated from me. I don't feel a world exists. Yet I want it. I want to be able to feel it, be in it... I don't even know what I'm saying anymore...

I want freedom. I wish life were different.

I wish I could have made my own choices years ago... been alive then. Am I alive now?

I can't even imagine what I want, even though I can achieve some of it... it is within my reach. I am too sad... perhaps. I don't know what... anything is. I don't even want to go back to my room or stay up late for no reason doing nothing, don't want to do nothing, don't want to do anything, don't want to sleep, don't want to think don't want to do anything don't want .. i dont want anything but i must do something even if that is nothing.

I hate this... i hate writing this... i hating all of it. i hate it.

I don't want anything but i dont want this.

I think i feel sick... i think i ...

i want to cry but i cant the tears wont come and when they donthey stop too wuickly. i want to cry for a bit i dont care if ..

just let me cry please just let the tears come as they once mightve

plesse i need it plesee pleasse pllease.

why i am begging this is sfo stupid

but pleas...

instead there is nothing but i still feel it there... out of reach.

mybe its the dehydratoon.. but i just get sadder when i think of drinking..

i get sad when i think of eating.. the sadness makes it worse and i feel sick with each bite.. i feel sick and cant eat and i just want to cry but the tears wont come..

i just want to cry but i cant... please just let me cry..

i want ...

to not feel ... cold..lonely... but sometimes connection makes me sick.. feels wrong..

i dont wanna be sad if i cant cry.. i dont wanna not be sad if ill feel nothing ..

i cant think......

its eaier to dream in bed than to exist