Let me start again

— Manchester Orchestra, The Way

I can't tell what is wrong. I can't know if anything even is. I can't define it, explain it, name it, know it, feel it, etc...

I guess this is related to one of my recent entries, "My 'Struggle'".

Sigh.

There's nothing obvious, really. Nothing. I can't even tell what I'm feeling, really. I don't feel good right now. I felt good earlier. I felt bad last night. I don't know. I have an idea but Ado I want to ignore it.

Maybe this will be a short and pointless entry... Maybe there really is nothing wrong. But maybe there's also nothing right?

And is that my fault? For staying in my room - though I do go out sometimes? For not talking about anything to some who could do something, not just here? For immersing myself in depressing stuff... for doing things with no valid reason... no seeable cause... Nothing Wrong.

Maybe that should've been the title.

Can I even truly say I feel empty?

I feel sad.

I know perhaps why...- those I try to help.

last night I reflected somewhat on my life and death. it turned out much the same in the end as any useless circular thought spiral of mine... once i had deteriorated and lost all further content to write about.

Since the lives i dream of are unrealistic - even if only for me, for some - ...what do I do? i dont know if i can continue dreaming of other lives. of other's lives, of fictional ones...

of mine... of something... idk..

i feel my mind and thoughts are not my own because i have consumed too much, numbed my brain, filled it with information and experiences that aren't mine... i dont know. i feel sick trying to revisit.

i would rather.. i *do* rather.. occupying myself with others. i prefer... i prefer other people, other lives, even when they.. make me sad. i prefer having things ... i can trust. i can trust them. their lives. sometimes i dont trust others. sometimes i.. sometimes .. whats the word.. i delude myself into being able to believe people. other times i am too suspicious to believe anythinh.g... ive considerd projection, consdierd i am projectong my own self-distrust unto others, perhaps those who sre isimilar to me.. who i hate .

i would rather have my mind not mine. not ofcused on my life but on others' lives. i would rather excape my life and enter another, or even .. be in a space not in any life.

i do not want to think about my life. my life where nothing is wrong..my life i do not understand. my life i cannot think about. my ljfe i cannot 

sighsighsisghsigh storms storm s inhad some more eritten agfter this but it got goned and the sbove stuf autosaved but ... idk idk ikdkdkdkdkdkj......... storms inlll tey writing some of it i rememer and th general idea..... storms i hate i .... idk.... ado inhag losing sjff.. idk idk idk id.....m aooado..

sigh badically i was saying crap about ... being stuck at a crossraod/fork in my life.. made some maybe-good metaphors... bucnh of crsp... stipid crap... stupid stupid storming crap.

about not wanting my lifez watning another, knowing no life will be good thiug, not knowing what i want... idkidkidkd idk anymore..

sigh thats lost.. lost for er. ..

dont dwel ion it . . dont .. it doesnt mstrr..

i realy just... i cant imagine my life. i dont know what jy life is. do i i dont know if i have one. i sont wmoniw what anything is anymore.

i dont have a life.. i ......... i dont know anything anymore i dont know anhthing ggggggggg

i dont even wantit.

i dont want this

its too lonely.. so doggdamn loekg. godmand godmdms storms whatver. so lonely.

i hate it. am i even lobmry? (lonely).

am i nantyhitn?

storm s what even is life?.

i cant even die