Mental health club!

[Usseewa]

if you are raised your whole damn life being told something is right, or just being told something in general, how the heck do you know if it's actually right? How do you know what's right at all? You wouldn't know it, I don't think. You would believe with all your heart and adamantly that you it couldn't POSSIBLY be the "wrong" side of things. It would be obvious to you that it's the "right" thing.

...But what if it's not?

 

 

uhh anyway that probably sounded weird so uhm yeah sometimes it's just hard ...

 

 

edit: so how do i know what to believe?

Edited April 14 by Usseewa

[Verdance he/him]

11 minutes ago, Usseewa said:

if you are raised your whole damn life being told something is right, or just being told something in general, how the heck do you know if it's actually right? How do you know what's right at all? You wouldn't know it, I don't think. You would believe with all your heart and adamantly that you it couldn't POSSIBLY be the "wrong" side of things. It would be obvious to you that it's the "right" thing.

...But what if it's not?

 

 

uhh anyway that probably sounded weird so uhm yeah sometimes it's just hard ...

Nope uh i get it lol still conflicted on a lot but 100% get it mhm

posting some autobiographical fiction soon that subtly mentions the topic lol

[Usseewa]

2 minutes ago, Verdance said:

Nope uh i get it lol still conflicted on a lot but 100% get it mhm

posting some autobiographical fiction soon that subtly mentions the topic lol

ok,.neat

that's coolm.m...

welckme back..

bye for now......

 

also 207 notifications and growing, i hatemylife.........,

[Shatter He/Him]

On 4/13/2026 at 9:18 PM, Usseewa said:

if you are raised your whole damn life being told something is right, or just being told something in general, how the heck do you know if it's actually right? How do you know what's right at all? You wouldn't know it, I don't think. You would believe with all your heart and adamantly that you it couldn't POSSIBLY be the "wrong" side of things. It would be obvious to you that it's the "right" thing.

...But what if it's not?

 

 

uhh anyway that probably sounded weird so uhm yeah sometimes it's just hard ...

 

 

edit: so how do i know what to believe?

I don't know...

Have you read WaT? It addresses the issue quite well. 

Follow your gut.

[Usseewa]

3 hours ago, Shatter said:

I don't know...

Have you read WaT? It addresses the issue quite well. 

Follow your gut.

oh sorry, I didn't see this

Spoiler

yeah I've read WaT motnhs back. But I forgor what you mean

[Shatter He/Him]

34 minutes ago, Usseewa said:

oh sorry, I didn't see this

  Reveal hidden contents

yeah I've read WaT motnhs back. But I forgor what you mean

i get that lol. Check out Szeth. He has the same sort of problem.

[Usseewa]

1 minute ago, Shatter said:

i get that lol. Check out Szeth. He has the same sort of problem.

OMGGGGGGGGGGG

yesyesyes

i think I might've related to him a lot but i forget

but yeah his whole problem is basically mine and it kinda sucks..

[Verdance he/him]

16 hours ago, Usseewa said:

OMGGGGGGGGGGG

yesyesyes

i think I might've related to him a lot but i forget

but yeah his whole problem is basically mine and it kinda sucks..

what is the new pfp…

Is this canon to Lily lore or smt

[Usseewa]

7 hours ago, Verdance said:

 

Is this canon to Lily lore or smt

wdym ?

 

—

so uhh guys, i kinda just have a desire to find out what's wrong with me or whatever and like when i research random mental disorders or conditions or stuff like that and fine an experience or a term that i relate to, i love it because i feel like it lets me describe what i can't otherwise, or i wasn't even aware was... a problem (or, alternatively, "not a problem" in the sense that... I'm not to blame?)

so anyway... been doing a deep dive the last few hours or so into... something that i won't say right now. but like i always feel like if i claim to be something (like, depressed) or i act a certain way, that I'm either faking it, "not as severe/important/real/etc." as others (like... if I'm depressed but not suicidal or self-harming, for instance. Thus, am I really depressed and do I deserve to... "act depressed"?) Plus I just don't know... Like, I constantly feel like I'm just a "normal" person who's simply obsessing over all this stuff, and that... in some cases, being ungrateful, other times being, like,... idk what the word is. Pretending to be in a bad situation? To yourself, and somewhat to others (but not a lot because you don't think you actually are and people aren't, and don't want to lie. And the moment someone actually expresses genuine worry for you, you kinda panic and stop and say you're fine or something. Maybe I just want attention. After all, why am I even writing this?)

I think part of the reason I try/want to figure out "what's wrong with me" is because I just want *an explanation* to why my life feels wrong. I want some term or word I can tell people that makes them instantly understand how I feel (or don't.. haha). ADHD is a good start, but I don't feel like it quite catches everything. Or maybe I just.. don't know all the obscure little symptoms. Same for depression/anxiety, and I even used to (and maybe still do) basically denied to myself that what I felt was actually depression, since I didn't quite feel like my life was hopeless and that I was on the verge of suicide or something.

And... as I said earlier I think, sometimes I feel like there actually *isn't* much wrong with me and I'm just... doing it for attention or idk. And also, after "reading the symptoms list" (or hearing about it), I relate to some/lots/whatever of them, but then sometimes don't feel like I can claim to feel it anymore, since... that would be lying or something.

Plus, sometimes things get so tangled that I don't know what's my memory/what I feel/think, and what's just something I read online and am saying it now because it sounds like the logical thing a <insert something, like "depressed"> person would say. Like I basically have a blacklist/filter for myself, or at least a list, that sometimes I use words/phrases from but usually avoid so I'm not copying others or lying.

(Some of them I'm fairly sure I *don't* feel, and others I'm... not sure either way because of the aforementioned tangle and stuff)

Stuff like...

"I feel worthless"

"Life is meaningless"

"I wanna die"

"I can't get out of bed some days"

Idk.. there's more but I don't wanna say them all cuz I fear embarrassment/sounding like an idiot (another common thing for me that I fear...)

Basically the list is everything on symptoms lists and any recurring themes/comments in the experiences of those who have/experience that... disorder/thing.

 

Uhhh yeah

[SpartanBrigade He/Him]

4 minutes ago, Usseewa said:

wdym ?

 

—

so uhh guys, i kinda just have a desire to find out what's wrong with me or whatever and like when i research random mental disorders or conditions or stuff like that and fine an experience or a term that i relate to, i love it because i feel like it lets me describe what i can't otherwise, or i wasn't even aware was... a problem (or, alternatively, "not a problem" in the sense that... I'm not to blame?)

so anyway... been doing a deep dive the last few hours or so into... something that i won't say right now. but like i always feel like if i claim to be something (like, depressed) or i act a certain way, that I'm either faking it, "not as severe/important/real/etc." as others (like... if I'm depressed but not suicidal or self-harming, for instance. Thus, am I really depressed and do I deserve to... "act depressed"?) Plus I just don't know... Like, I constantly feel like I'm just a "normal" person who's simply obsessing over all this stuff, and that... in some cases, being ungrateful, other times being, like,... idk what the word is. Pretending to be in a bad situation? To yourself, and somewhat to others (but not a lot because you don't think you actually are and people aren't, and don't want to lie. And the moment someone actually expresses genuine worry for you, you kinda panic and stop and say you're fine or something. Maybe I just want attention. After all, why am I even writing this?)

I think part of the reason I try/want to figure out "what's wrong with me" is because I just want *an explanation* to why my life feels wrong. I want some term or word I can tell people that makes them instantly understand how I feel (or don't.. haha). ADHD is a good start, but I don't feel like it quite catches everything. Or maybe I just.. don't know all the obscure little symptoms. Same for depression/anxiety, and I even used to (and maybe still do) basically denied to myself that what I felt was actually depression, since I didn't quite feel like my life was hopeless and that I was on the verge of suicide or something.

And... as I said earlier I think, sometimes I feel like there actually *isn't* much wrong with me and I'm just... doing it for attention or idk. And also, after "reading the symptoms list" (or hearing about it), I relate to some/lots/whatever of them, but then sometimes don't feel like I can claim to feel it anymore, since... that would be lying or something.

Plus, sometimes things get so tangled that I don't know what's my memory/what I feel/think, and what's just something I read online and am saying it now because it sounds like the logical thing a <insert something, like "depressed"> person would say. Like I basically have a blacklist/filter for myself, or at least a list, that sometimes I use words/phrases from but usually avoid so I'm not copying others or lying.

(Some of them I'm fairly sure I *don't* feel, and others I'm... not sure either way because of the aforementioned tangle and stuff)

Stuff like...

"I feel worthless"

"Life is meaningless"

"I wanna die"

"I can't get out of bed some days"

Idk.. there's more but I don't wanna say them all cuz I fear embarrassment/sounding like an idiot (another common thing for me that I fear...)

Basically the list is everything on symptoms lists and any recurring themes/comments in the experiences of those who have/experience that... disorder/thing.

 

Uhhh yeah

A couple things

I think you can struggle but not necessarily have a disorder 
In the same way you can get sick but it doesn't necessarily mean you have a chronic illness

Secondly, don't let people (including us) tell you what you do or don't feel
Mental health is a field of science/ medicine like any other
Only you know your symptoms
But I will say that goes the either way as well
Only you know what you experience, but I don't know that self diagnosing based off what you read on google is the best thing to do

[Usseewa]

7 minutes ago, SpartanBrigade said:

A couple things

I think you can struggle but not necessarily have a disorder 
In the same way you can get sick but it doesn't necessarily mean you have a chronic illness

Secondly, don't let people (including us) tell you what you do or don't feel
Mental health is a field of science/ medicine like any other
Only you know your symptoms
But I will say that goes the either way as well
Only you know what you experience, but I don't know that self diagnosing based off what you read on google is the best thing to do

ugh i knew it

sigh

[Usseewa]

maybe just ignore everything i said 

[Verdance he/him]

17 minutes ago, Usseewa said:

ugh i knew it

sigh

I can’t get out of bed most days :3

—

so speaking as someone who has never been quite “suicidal”, more “self destructive” (54 days clean) so the fact you haven’t committed suicide yet is a testament to your character

the act (not the thoughts) is kinda selfish cause it leaves other people with this scar on their life so the fact that you haven’t done that shows you care about the people you know

plus it shows a lotta mental strength. That is really hard to endure and i really respect that. 

also just straight up i hide a lot of this stuff from yall cause idk i dont want to be a burden and i have a therapist i talk to and other excuses, so it’s also very brave

—

i think overall this is just a part of people’s lives who spend a lot of time online, tbh. You’re not broken or under a condition, its just the world you live in. Sometimes life is like this. 

You’re absolutely not doing it for attention, you’re doing it because you’re worried about yourself and for some reason you trust us. I don’t judge cause i live very similarly 

you’re not worthless, life isn’t meaningless, god loves you. Someday it will all be okay. 

 

[Usseewa]

1 minute ago, Verdance said:

I can’t get out of bed most days :3

—

so speaking as someone who has never been quite “suicidal”, more “self destructive” (54 days clean) so the fact you haven’t committed suicide yet is a testament to your character

the act (not the thoughts) is kinda selfish cause it leaves other people with this scar on their life so the fact that you haven’t done that shows you care about the people you know

plus it shows a lotta mental strength. That is really hard to endure and i really respect that. 

also just straight up i hide a lot of this stuff from yall cause idk i dont want to be a burden and i have a therapist i talk to and other excuses, so it’s also very brave

—

i think overall this is just a part of people’s lives who spend a lot of time online, tbh. You’re not broken or under a condition, its just the world you live in. Sometimes life is like this. 

You’re absolutely not doing it for attention, you’re doing it because you’re worried about yourself and for some reason you trust us. I don’t judge cause i live very similarly 

you’re not worthless, life isn’t meaningless, god loves you. Someday it will all be okay. 

 

I have to, since I'm not homeschooled and have.. responsibilities and all that. Otherwise I'm not sure what I'd do..

—

whenever someone IRL says how much pain I'd cause them any everyone from saying goodbye to this world, I just.. can't think about it. like if there ever were a reason i wouldn't it might be that. or not idk. but i don't want to ruin everyone else's lives. heh, assuming I matter to them. because I do.

I sometimes hide a lot from people. Sometimes specific people who I know worry about me and would worry more if I told them anything. So then.. I tell people online or tell no one or "make jokes".. and what even is it that I'm hiding?

—

anyway i sometimes feel like crap after saying all this stuff. so idk whatever, I'm fine i think.

oh wait i forgot about <insert IRL thing that I'm not getting into>

but anyway

..

[Verdance he/him]

1 minute ago, Usseewa said:

I have to, since I'm not homeschooled and have.. responsibilities and all that. Otherwise I'm not sure what I'd do..

—

whenever someone IRL says how much pain I'd cause them any everyone from saying goodbye to this world, I just.. can't think about it. like if there ever were a reason i wouldn't it might be that. or not idk. but i don't want to ruin everyone else's lives. heh, assuming I matter to them. because I do.

I sometimes hide a lot from people. Sometimes specific people who I know worry about me and would worry more if I told them anything. So then.. I tell people online or tell no one or "make jokes".. and what even is it that I'm hiding?

—

anyway i sometimes feel like crap after saying all this stuff. so idk whatever, I'm fine i think.

oh wait i forgot about <insert IRL thing that I'm not getting into>

but anyway

..

I mean, you’ve survived this long. Might as well keep doing it and see what happens.

[Usseewa]

Just now, Verdance said:

I mean, you’ve survived this long. Might as well keep doing it and see what happens.

it's easy to survive.

i can keep telling myself i wanna kill myself every day and not know whether or not i mean it, but I'll survive.

it's easy to survive, to get by. doesn't mean it's always easy to live. but it's easy to survive. for me, at least. but yeah. plus, life isn't *always* all that hard.. hehe... and most of the hardship is just self-wrought.

[Verdance he/him]

Just now, Usseewa said:

it's easy to survive.

i can keep telling myself i wanna kill myself every day and not know whether or not i mean it, but I'll survive.

it's easy to survive, to get by. doesn't mean it's always easy to live. but it's easy to survive. for me, at least. but yeah. plus, life isn't *always* all that hard.. hehe... and most of the hardship is just self-wrought.

Worship a fictional character. I dare you. 

Most? All, in my case. Anyways, good luck. 

[Usseewa]

1 minute ago, Verdance said:

Worship a fictional character. I dare you. 

Most? All, in my case. Anyways, good luck. 

what, Sleep? i don't get none o' dat. Also i don't do worship or religion.

hah. thank you. I'll just keep swimming, just keep swimming (towards the abyssal depths, drowning, drowning)

anyway why am i moping 

[Verdance he/him]

1 minute ago, Usseewa said:

what, Sleep? i don't get none o' dat. Also i don't do worship or religion.

hah. thank you. I'll just keep swimming, just keep swimming (towards the abyssal depths, drowning, drowning)

anyway why am i moping 

Was going to say The Survivor

haha sleep token lore lol been a while since i listened to that

too much Good Kid lately

[Usseewa]

Just now, Verdance said:

Was going to say The Survivor

haha sleep token lore lol been a while since i listened to that

too much Good Kid lately

ah yes

sorry for reminding you. i was thinking about TMBTE this morning and how it made me depressed last time i listened to it.

yes good kid rocks (pun half-intended). so does ado. and a good Lo-Fi when Ado makes me..... agitated, and I need to study. (I need to study kinda..)

oh crap, i just wasted my day reading lots of Wikipedia pages for... various things... when i had some great ideas to use this rare free time for.

[Verdance he/him]

1 minute ago, Usseewa said:

ah yes

sorry for reminding you. i was thinking about TMBTE this morning and how it made me depressed last time i listened to it.

yes good kid rocks (pun half-intended). so does ado. and a good Lo-Fi when Ado makes me..... agitated, and I need to study. (I need to study kinda..)

oh crap, i just wasted my day reading lots of Wikipedia pages for... various things... when i had some great ideas to use this rare free time for.

Yeah definitely am going to say ST may be a bad fit for you

what kind of band is Ado? JPop?

…

[Usseewa]

Just now, Verdance said:

Yeah definitely am going to say ST may be a bad fit for you

what kind of band is Ado? JPop?

…

yeah she's jpop but also kinda rock? idk bro...

I also missed the last few days of japanese studying 

anyway i think we are getting off-topic

maybe

idk what rules are

[Akimikoisthecutest]

37 minutes ago, Verdance said:

I can’t get out of bed most days :3

—

so speaking as someone who has never been quite “suicidal”, more “self destructive” (54 days clean) so the fact you haven’t committed suicide yet is a testament to your character

the act (not the thoughts) is kinda selfish cause it leaves other people with this scar on their life so the fact that you haven’t done that shows you care about the people you know

plus it shows a lotta mental strength. That is really hard to endure and i really respect that. 

also just straight up i hide a lot of this stuff from yall cause idk i dont want to be a burden and i have a therapist i talk to and other excuses, so it’s also very brave

—

i think overall this is just a part of people’s lives who spend a lot of time online, tbh. You’re not broken or under a condition, its just the world you live in. Sometimes life is like this. 

You’re absolutely not doing it for attention, you’re doing it because you’re worried about yourself and for some reason you trust us. I don’t judge cause i live very similarly 

you’re not worthless, life isn’t meaningless, god loves you. Someday it will all be okay. 

 

54 is quite a lot....

I'm only 13 days clean

Edited April 17 by Akimikoisthecutest

[Verdance he/him]

Just now, Akimikoisthecutest said:

54 is quite a lot....

I'm only 13 days clean

!!!

are you okay?

[Usseewa]

wait clean of what? sh?

also ditto verde, you good?