Rules for Surviving a Fantasy World

[Faceless Mist-Wraith]

53. In the event that that you realize you are a parent, treat your kid well. This will decrease the likelihood that they will be the direct cause of your death.

54. In the event that you treated your kid decently, but they have a serious attitude & are likely one of the main characters, quietly fake your death and move to another country. If you do not, you will likely die in order for the tragic news of your death to be used to spark some character development in your child. The likelihood of this is doubled for every quest companion with dead/missing parents your child travels with. 

55. In the event that you realize you had a secret child, tell them who you are as soon as possible. Don't put it off until the end of the quest. Doing so almost always guarantees that you will tell them about their parentage on your deathbed, after you either become sick or gravely injured.

56. Avoid prophecies like the plague. They very rarely turn out well.

57. In the event that you failed to comply with Rule 56, don't leap to conclusions about what certain portions of the prophecy mean. This will only ensure that you die because of a misinterpretation, in order to reinforce the importance of Rule 56 to the main character.

58. Don't join a secret society. Just don't.

59. Don't work in a museum as a night guard, no matter how small or insignificant said museum may seem. See rule 11.

60. In the event that you are a police officer, do not inspect any of the following things: Suspicious noises, suspicious lights, suspicious movement in a window, hunched figures, figures who appear to be drunk, figures in general, animal noises, or that one co-worker who's probably a dirty cop.

Edited May 9, 2018 by Faceless Mist-Wraith

[Lord Meeker]

61. Don't worry about being caught by the villain and put into a death trap, they always leave before really seeing if their death machine really works. They have to conquer the world and stuff. You have plenty of time to escape.

62. Never let a villain finish his monologue, he is stalling, and will most likely end in your death because the villain has an escape, you don't.

[Mistspren]

63. If you became a mentor anyway, despite rule 21, just tell the protagonist everything. Leave the “he’s not ready” crem at the door.

[Darkness Ascendant]

64. Don't let the wizard disappear.

Edited April 2, 2018 by Darkness_

[A Budgie]

65. Always be suspicious of anyone who is unhelpful, but tries to pass it off as being funny (misplacing paperwork in funny circumstances, etc).
66. If you find out sensitive or plot-related information (eg the identity of a murderer or spy), write it all down. Multiple times. And send it to multiple trusted people, plus hiding it in several places.
67. Don't try to blackmail someone if you think they're a murderer, spy, or anything similar. They've probably already killed. You will be next.

[Elenion]

68. If you do even end up as a henchman, make sure to plead for mercy in front of as many innocents as possible.
69. If you're a chief and the main character is your son, go into exile. He's going to end up chief one way or another, and you don't want to be in his way.
70. When the sinister figure wants to talk to you mid-fight, don't listen to him. He might drop painful plot spoilers.
71. Never put the villain in jail. That just lets them escape at an inopportune moment.

Edit:
72. If a mysterious and alluring woman comes up to you and makes the first move, chances are she's evil. Heroes don't get the girl at the beginning of the story.
73. Every enemy wanting to "make a deal" is either there to sow discord or kill someone. Villains don't make deals.
74. If you get fired or demoted, you know that somewhere behind it there is a villain. Take the hint.

Edited April 4, 2018 by Elenion

[Aon Ati]

75. Learn sword play. There's a good chance that you will be attacked by some monster and a sword will probably be the only available weapon in many situations.

76. Never accept a drink from another person. If it's someone you don't know, the drink has been poisoned. If it's someone you know, there is a good chance that they either are a traitor, are a bad guy under an illusion of a good guy, or they are unknowingly giving you a poisoned drink. Keep a personal water jug and never have someone else fill it for you.

[Kidpen]

77. If you happen to be in Brandon Sanderson's novels, find Hoid and force him to tell you everything. Then come and tell us.

[Sunbird]

3 hours ago, Aon Ati said:

76. Never accept a drink from another person. If it's someone you don't know, the drink has been poisoned. If it's someone you know, there is a good chance that they either are a traitor, are a bad guy under an illusion of a good guy, or they are unknowingly giving you a poisoned drink. Keep a personal water jug and never have someone else fill it for you.

Taking a page out of Mad-eye Moody's book, I see. "Constant vigilance!!"

[Zennix]

3 hours ago, Sunbird said:

Taking a page out of Mad-eye Moody's book, I see. "Constant vigilance!!"

That won't save you if your death will cause some character development for the protagonists. 

78. If you are the villain and there is a hero coming after you, then you should proscribe the death penalty. Do this and you will always be around to torment them since most heroes won't be able to defeat you without killing you. 

[Darkness Ascendant]

79. Become self-aware and slowly and subtly manipulate the events around you to the point where the author needs you to continue and form the story and your death would make the world fall apart. (So be like Joker or Deadpool).

[Faceless Mist-Wraith]

80. In the event that you failed to comply with Rule 1, and have for some reason have summoned a demon/dark entity, do not under any circumstances make a deal/pact/bet/etc, with said demon or any of its underlings. This very, very rarely goes well, and often results in a gruesome fate for the summoner, (i.e you).

81. In the event that you failed to comply with both Rule 1 and Rule 80, do not set any form of high stakes. Setting a high price or stakes ensures that you will likely come up short or be otherwise unable to honor your side of the bargain, which will likely result in your soul be taken/gruesome fate/death/etc.

82. In the event you managed to not only ignore Rule 1, but also the 2 previous rules, do not try to skip out on your part of the bargain. Read the previous rules for clarification on why this is such a bad idea. Or don't. At this point, considering you've managed to ignore all 3 previous rules, you're kind of getting what's coming to you. 

[Zennix]

83. In the event that you have summoned a demon, evil god/spirit, or some other dark creature, and you have to form a pact with them, please make sure that you read the fine prints of the contract documents carefully before you agree to the terms because these evil guys all seem to have Law degrees. 

[Nathrangking]

84. If you choose to ignore rules 1 and 80-83 then you must under no circumstances attempt to milk the deal for everything that  it is worth. Doing so will lead to the suffering of yourself and all those around you.

85. When heading out on a quest always make sure that your supplies/weapons are sufficient for the task at hand. Winging it rarely goes very well.

[Zennix]

86. In the event that an ancient object of power or weapon resurfaces, don't try to acquire or steal it if you are not the protagonist. You won't succeed and will probably lose your life in the process. Remember that only the hero gets to keep the Macguffins. 

[Aon Ati]

Rule 87. There are several species of animals to avoid in a fantasy world at all cost.

      1. Wolves. These are the absolute worst animals to run into in a fantasy, especially in the woods. They can be cunning and usually travel in packs. Nine times out of ten these creatures are servants of evil. If one comes across a wolf pack the proper response is to run in the opposite direction as fast as possible or if it is just one, kill it without hesitation.

      2. Snakes. These animals are extremely famous for being the bad guy in fantasy. In fact, anything with scales should be under constant watch by you or your group.

      3. Spiders. There are a few cases where spiders have been helpful to the hero, but most of the time, dealings with these creatures ends up with the protagonist tried up in their webs.

[Dunkum]

4 hours ago, Aon Ati said:

Rule 87. There are several species of animals to avoid in a fantasy world at all cost.

      1. Wolves. These are the absolute worst animals to run into in a fantasy, especially in the woods. They can be cunning and usually travel in packs. Nine times out of ten these creatures are servants of evil. If one comes across a wolf pack the proper response is to run in the opposite direction as fast as possible or if it is just one, kill it without hesitation.

      2. Snakes. These animals are extremely famous for being the bad guy in fantasy. In fact, anything with scales should be under constant watch by you or your group.

      3. Spiders. There are a few cases where spiders have been helpful to the hero, but most of the time, dealings with these creatures ends up with the protagonist tried up in their webs.

disagree on Wolves.  In my experience they are 50/50 between good and bad.  snakes and spiders though are bad news about 99% of the time

[Shqueeves]

 88) If you happen to have experience in the military, chances are your child is naturally gifted at it. Train them, then follow rule 54

[Kidpen]

89) If you happen to be awesome, go and eat people's dinner's. Everybody. Especially famous or powerful people. Gods or king's are the best.

[Hemalurgic Headshot]

90. Ignore Rule 89 if you are not Awesome. There is a very high chance of being executed for stealing food, and association with nobility increases overall death chance by 36%.

[Mistspren]

On 4/19/2018 at 4:40 PM, Kidpen said:

89) If you happen to be awesome, go and eat people's dinner's. Everybody. Especially famous or powerful people. Gods or king's are the best.

Bonus points will not be awarded for stealing God King's dinners. Still probably tastes good though.

91) That feeling that you are being watched is probably caused by the fact that you are being watched. Don't ignore it. Don't question all the Biochromatic Breaths you ended up somehow gaining either.

[AonEne]

I wrote a lot of these once. Then I accidentally deleted them all, and forgot what I said. They were really good too. Hate it when that happens.

92. Always take your prized possessions with you. Your place of residence might get destroyed in one of x ways:

   A. You're the main character, and

      1. The baddies got your house

      2. You wrecked your house, or some other good person did by accident

      3. Natural disaster/government got your house before the plot begins so that you can be homeless

   B. You're a bad guy, and your base/lair/office building will get obliterated by the protags.

   C. You're an innocent bystander and your house will get utterly Atied by the climactic fight.

93. If you happen to be in a place where a guide is required, get a guide. If you don't know the area, you'll probably die.

94. See 72, but with men and heroines. Same thing applies.

[Archer]

95. If you're trying to fake a burglary, open the drawers up different amounts. To get into the lower ones, you'd usually have to push in the higher drawers. 

96. Pay attention to the weather! If it's stormy outside, somebody is going to die. Pathetic fallacy may be your only hint that someone is lurking in your house about to kill you and disguise it as a botched burglary. 

97. Pose dramatically whenever you get the chance. People will call you crazy for entering the home where the murderer lurks, but if you pose before bursting in the door then they'll be impressed by your confidence. 

[Faceless Mist-Wraith]

98. Always know how to swim.

99. Don't swim. There is always something in the water. This is doubly true for water that appears too still, has odd ripples, or just happens to ripple ominously.

100. *Rule One: Do not act incautiously when confronting a little bald wrinkly smiling man. This extends to mysterious figures, travelers, and anyone who happens to act incredibly confident when you threaten them. They are probably the chosen one, the main character, a legendary warrior, or some old master who's about to impress their future pupil by dispatching you in a sudden unexpected display of skill.

 *Not to be confused with Rule 1 or the Number One Rule.

[AonEne]

101. Never leave the main party to go on an adventure, explore, or commune with Athena. They'll either get themselves killed or eat Apollo's cows. And then bad things will happen.