Comatose

I've been wondering about this too. When I was coming up with Rainmaker, I was actually thinking it could have been cool for her to have met Regalia in the past, and that the two might be bitter enemies now. I didn't go forward with the idea, because I didn't want to do all of the work it would take to make it plausible, but I'd see them clashing, I think. Also, a battle between them (or between either of them and Lucentia) would be pretty cool! You can absolutely join Corvallis! I agree with some of the others that the power / weakness might need a little tweaking, but I'm still thinking about that. Do you know what role you would like him to join as? I'm not sure if this is necessary, since I don't think his weakness is that easy to set off. You say to trigger his weakness he needs (1) People to know him AND (2) people to hate him. By this logic, all he really needs to do is to avoid everyone who knows him, and never spend enough time around people to let them get to know him. As long as he protects against that part of the weakness, the second part doesn't matter. It would be interesting to have him in a social setting like Corvallis, since he would be vulnerable to having his weakness triggered by the people he works with (Rainmaker and Co. if he is working for the government), so he would have to work hard to please them and keep them happy. As long as he was kept under the radar though, he could be used against Corvallis's enemies quite effectively. In a way, this would make him the perfect tool for someone like Rainmaker (or our other overlords), since his weakness is easy to trigger if you know him, and motivates him to keep the people who know him happy, but his weakness is impossible to trigger by strangers, which makes him a very effective attack dog. One clarification I might add to make the weakness more clear is that what is required is a PERSONAL hate (which is what it sounds to me like you are going for). What I mean by this is that to trigger his weakness, people must hate him as an individual, and that a general hatred against a class (such as epics, men, blondes) would not be sufficient to trigger his weakness. With that slight tweak, I honestly think he is good as is, and doesn't need another power, especially since the upping positive feelings towards himself power is kind of (note to nit-pickers - I said kind of, not exactly) similar to Euphoria, who is a central character in Corvallis. If you want to add this new power, I think Matthew would still be fine in another thread, but I'd worry about the duplication in Corvallis.

I just caught up in the Dalles thread. Great posts guys! I think I'm gonna call it a night, but I'll be back some time tomorrow, hopefully with a post of some kind.

I'm back! Sorry for the absence. I'm going to try to work my way through the back-log, but if you asked me something and would like a more prompt answer, your best bet would be to ask again here, I think. I saw Edge's question about Shiny Sparkle before I left. I think it would be fun if she came to Corvallis, and would be interested to see how a Shiny Sparkle/Princess GOOD plotline might work out. That being said, I'm sure she could make an amusing and interesting addition to Portland or Astoria as well.

Lysander Elariel Generation 2, Turn 2 Roleplay: Action:

Her Royal Highness, Princess Genevieve Ornatia Oprah Delicious awoke from her blissful slumber at precisely 6:02 AM, right on schedule. She yawned cutely, and then stretched as she greeted the new day. She could see from her large bedroom window that Rainmaker was still making a show of her displeasure outside. Going about her day in all that rain would be such a bother. Then again, some of the most romantic kisses happened in the rain, so perhaps this was a chance for Princess Genevieve Ornatia Oprah Delicious to meet her one true love! Smiling at the thought of a romantic encounter in the rain drops, the Princess hummed a little tune, summoning her two pet birds to her side. The birds obediently gripped her blankets in their beaks and pulled them back. Once the Princess was out of bed, the birds set to work making the bed, and in moments the sheets were finely laid out as if they had never been slept in. Stifling another yawn, Princess Genevieve Ornatia Oprah Delicious called the birds over to the bathroom so that they could help her in the shower. "Now little ones, I know the dropply wopplies can frighten you, but you are going to need to be prepared to get a little wet today. Unfortunately, it doesn't look like Queen Rainmaker has any sunshine for us today." The bird chirruped happily, and proceeded to work together to pick up her loofah. The Princess still hadn't decided if Rainmaker was a good queen or the evil step-mother kind, but for the most part it didn't matter. As long as she was the only Princess in town, there wasn't really a thing to worry about. After all, Queens never attracted the attention of handsome young princes, no matter how silky smooth their hair was, or how good they were at controlling the weather. That would be just silly! Once she was done in the shower, Princess Genevieve Ornatia Oprah Delicious opened her walk in closet, which was full of hundreds of different bolts of fabric. After humming and hawing for a while, the Princess chose a bright yellow number that would stand out on the dreary day. A single touch was all it took to transform the cloth into a beautiful dress. "But how am I to keep such a beautiful dress dry in such positvely dreadful weather, hmm?" Her birds shrugged obediently. They knew it was her job to come up with the ideas. In the corner, the Princess spied a bundle of brightly coloured parasols that had been gifts from one of her many admirers. With fair skin like hers, it was easy to burn in Rainmaker's constant sunshine, so it always paid to have a parasol and a willing pair of arms to carry it handy. "Oh, these will do nicely, don't you think?" In moments the Princess had created a stylish rain coat to match her dress. With help from her birds, it took less than a minute to fashion her lovely orange curls into a stylish up-do braided with yellow ribbons. With a quick once-over in the mirror, the Princess Genevieve Ornatia Oprah Delicious grabbed one of the remaining parasols, and headed out her bedroom door. Her butler, who she decided should be called Sebastian today, was waiting patiently, and she dumped the parasol into his waiting hands. Sebatien had a gloomy look on his face, no doubt dreading the prospect of following his mistress around in the rain. I'll fix that! Euphoria wasn't the only Epic good at making people smile. "Sebastien, Sebastien, Why that gloomy face? Don't you know it's easy to smile, When you know your place! Sooo, scrunch your cheeks, And quirk your lips, Because you're right where you're meant to beeeeeeee, And that is holding my umbrella for meeeeeeee!" Despite himself, a slight spring developed in Sebastien's step as he followed Princess Genevieve Ornatia Oprah Delicious to the door. "Now we're talking," the Princess said with the cutest of giggles. "Let's make this city beautiful!" She threw open the double doors to her house, exposing the working crew who were shivering in the rain on the other side. They were a mixed group, including both humans and animals, and all were looking positively gloomy as they tried their best to stay dry. "Now, now, everyone, just because you've gone and upset Queen Rainmaker and Queen Euphoria, doesn't mean we can't be pleasant to one another! Now, come and sing with me! "Come all you workers, Let's all do our part, Helping me to clean things up, Is the place to start! So let's go pick up garbage, And make this city shiiiiiiiiiiiiiine. I wish every city could sparkle just like miiiiiiiiiine!" At first, Sebastien struggled to keep up with his mistress as she pranced through the streets, but as her song continued he quickly fell into a rhythm, keeping her umbrella in place with ease. Her cleaning crew fell into step behind her, marching in time as the began to tidy up the streets. Princess Genevieve Ornatia Oprah Delicious led the charge herself, letting her power flow out as she made everything she touched sparkle. Who said a rainy day couldn't be lovely? Day 2 is Open!!!

Taylor frowned as she surveyed Glamour's conjured map, noting the locations of the public housing, headquarters, and the clinic. Where would Brandon be? As much as she hated waiting, Glamour had a point. Besides, perhaps a night without her would show Brandon what he was missing. She could let him sit, alone and afraid wherever he was, and think about how much he loved her. Then, when she found him the next day, she would have him right where she wanted him. "That... that might be a good idea." The new decision left her with a different problem, however. Like Brandon, Taylor had nowhere to go. She would also have to be careful. There were ways of picking out epics, and if Glamour or anyone else found out that she had not been screened properly, then she would have a lot of explaining to do. "Look, you've already helped me so much that I hate to ask for another favour, but I don't really have a place to stay the night. Even with Calamity and everything, finding my own way around isn't really something I'm used to. You mentioned public housing... would it be safe for me to stay there? I don't want to cause a fuss." Taylor eyed the glowing map thoughtfully. "Also, I need to get myself a copy of that map! Your powers are brilliant! Too bad I can't just take you with me when I go looking for my friend!"

If Female!Nighthound is to Nighthound what Male!Firefight is the Megan, then maybe Female!Nighthound is pretty awesome, AND her powers would be WHIO!Nightound's weakness. Work is getting pretty busy guys, so I might not be around as much the next while. I will definitely be taking about a week hiatus starting on Sunday. I will hopefully have the Day 1 Opener up, and things should be able to proceed in Corvallis without me. If you have any burning questions for me, ask me before the weekend is over!

Looks like he's made some edits to Chapter 1 since it was available last. That, or I'm just not remembering it properly. Prologue definitely seems to imply David is an Epic IMO. The tidbit about the mobiles not needing to recharge was new to me, so I'm curious to see if they have a Mobile-Making epic. I'm so excited to learn more about Knighthawk. I wonder who's bodies David has just bumped into .

Hey, I'm new, so I'm just starting with Chapter 2. I'll try to get your critique up some time this week, but was wondering if I could also get a short summary of the first chapter, just so I know what I missed? Feel free to post it here, or just PM me .

Thanks Rob and rd! Prologue Spoiler: No, not in Illinois . Naiyu has met the emperor several times in passing, usually while she is standing in the background serving other people, but she has never served him tea before. At this point in the story, Naiyu has been a sort of steward for some VERY high ranking individuals, and has served at least one of the princes before, even though she has never served the Emperor directly. I should also note that the duties of her position include a lot more than making tea. I'll go into how she got to this point during the story, but for now I'll say that her current act of service was by referral. So, the emperor knows who she is, more or less, but they haven't really interacted at all. It would be like a celebrity calling on a stylist they heard about from a mutual friend. The celebrity and the stylist would both know each other by name, despite not actually having met. As for the Emperor acknowledging her despite her station, I meant it to show some of his character - on one hand, in this chapter he is talking about the death of his grandson, but on the other, he is kind to servants and makes a point to know their names if possible. It might not be a common thing for a person of his position to do this, but I don't think it is too much of a break in propriety. I'll do some more thinking about class relations in the world, just to be sure though. She'll have people to interact with in Chapter One, don't worry .

It looks like I might not have time for write-ups for the next while (work is getting pretty busy, and I'm trying to fit in time to work on a Novella). Hopefully I've put in enough prose for the next while. Anyways, here are my public actions for the turn! Actions:

Thanks guys! My spouse read an earlier version of the prologue, and saw the ending coming from the beginning, so I'm glad that the edits I've made since then have worked (or maybe he just knows me too well). I should clarify that this book is set in an alternate world, and that although the Leyari are based on several different Asian cultures, they are my own creation. The Empire in the story is very cosmopolitan, and race politics play a key role as the story progresses. I don't mind being nit-picked! In fact, I quite prefer it, so please continue! These comments have been very helpful. She is handing the emperor his cup, but what you say about the tea being hot makes sense, so maybe I'll have her set it down on the table instead. It will be a while until you figure out everything that is going on in that opening scene, but I hope I can provide you guys with some interesting stuff to read in the mean time, so that it doesn't feel like you are just waiting for that one scene. I worried about the Emperor's death scene as well. It felt rushed to me as I wrote it. On the other hand, it is supposed to happen very quickly. Again, I wanted to keep what was going on in Naiyu's head kind of ambiguous, so I can flesh things out later. You'll learn more about Cherry Valley in coming chapters. Basically their whole economy is based on different cherry products, and the name originated with foreigners. I don't want to explain too much here, since I want to make sure I explain it enough in the story, but if you'd like more information behind the name, I'd be happy to oblige. The gist is that the original name of the valley became the name of an entire country, and so the valley was named "Cherry Valley" by outsiders to help differentiate, and over time it has become used by the actual residents as well. As a side note, the Cherry Valley and the Leyari are lifted out of the culture profile I created for the Eternal Conflux RP way back when. There are some big differences between what I wrote then and what I'm writing now, and obviously I've adapted the culture to fit into my own world instead of the world the RP was set in, but most of the core concepts are there. There are also bits and pieces of my character from Eternal Conflux in Naiyu, but on the whole she is very different. If you would like to know more about the previous version of Cherry Valley, feel free to check these out, but be warned that they are set in a very different world this time around. I think the history in the character application (the second link) gives the best picture of life in the valley. If you are worried about spoilers, the Cherry Valley is the setting of the next set of chapters, so you will be getting updated information about it soon. Then again, I know you guys have a lot to read/write, so I don't expect you to read all that background stuff. It's just there in case you are interested. Thanks again for taking the time to read this, and let me know if you have any other comments or questions!

Metronome 6 SoulCaster 7 Bone 3 Sabannah 5 Brighthead 4 Inhuman 13 Deathskull 5 Substance 4

Take your time! I'm still behind in Salem, so it's fine. I'll try to get up the morning post, and start the next day in Corvallis tomorrow. I'm thinking Day 2 will be much more self-directed, so characters can go about their own business, instead of having big central events like we had in Day 1.

Is it bad that when I read Marianas Trench I thought of the band, not the land form? Or does that just out me as Canadian? Anyways, here's my thoughts as I read, kind of a stream of consciousness type of thing. Let me know if anything doesn't make sense. Some of the changes are merely suggestions, which I think might help with flow and to vary your sentence structure, rather than actual right/wrong corrections. I'll post more general thoughts and impressions at the end. Line by Line Read-Through Overall Thoughts: I like what you've set up here, and am very interested to see where the story goes, so the prologue has served at least one purpose. I think you do a good job of showing Renfield's emotions throughout the scene, and establishing a bit about his character. I found his betrayal of Dracula interesting, and am excited to see the ramifications of the betrayal. In sum, I think the concept you used for the prologue is really good, but that your execution needs a little bit of tweaking. In particular, the action sequence where Renfield betrays Dracula and escapes the submarine all need some work. You establish that Dracula can move quickly, and have him do so. Then later, it takes him forever to get to Renfield. There are two possible problems here: either (1) Dracula is moving fast, but it just doesn't seem that way from the way the scene is written, or (2) Dracula is moving slowly for mere plot reasons. If it's the first problem, then the scene just needs to be rewritten with particular attention being payed to pacing. I would take some time to really map out the sequence of events, moment by moment, and then try to describe the important bits as efficiently as possible. If it's the second issue, if it is necessary for the plot for Dracula not to kill Renfield, then you need to find a reason for Dracula not to just kill Renfield then and there before he can do anything about it. My advice would be to include a crucifix or some other way for Renfield to stall Dracula, and get enough time to detonate the bomb and escape. Otherwise, your run into the old villain trope of Dracula talking when he should be acting, and your hero seems more absurdly lucky than skillful or heroic. A lot of the issues I pointed out in the line edit with said-bookisms, varying sentence construction, and pacing are things I also have difficulty with, so if you have time to look at my submission, and see similar problems, please let me know! Sometimes a pair of fresh eyes can do way more for these writing quirks than hours of editing. Anyways, I hope that helps. I'm excited to see the next chapter. Let me know if you have any questions about my critique or line-edit!

All right gang, here is my first submission! I had hoped to have Chapter 1 AND the Prologue done for today, but that didn't happen. So, for now, enjoy the start of my new project, which just over 1000 words. Preparing the Emperor's Tea is intended to be a novella, and I'm shooting for around 25,000 - 40,000 words. It's a prequel to a larger project I'm working on, but I'm hoping for it to stand on its own. I'm going for a twist on a coming of age story, focusing on the life of a servant and her relationships to the 'important' noble folk she serves. The prologue is a flash-forward, in which Naiyu gets the opportunity to serve tea to the Emperor. Chapter One starts with Naiyu as a child. I intend to further the future story line in interludes in between parts, and then finish up in the final part of the book. Things I particularly want help with: Does the prologue grab your attention? What do you notice about Naiyu as a character? Does she interest you? I struggled with managing Naiyu's thoughts, since I wanted to show off bits of her character, but I also wanted to keep the majority of her thoughts hidden, and reveal them later on. A strategy I tried to use is to really focus on sensory intake, and describe Naiyu experiencing the scene, rather than her thoughts about it. Do you think I managed it, or do you have suggestions for what I can do better? Title is subject to change. Let me know if you have better ideas.

That sounds fine to me! In other news, I finished the edits. The post doesn't flow quite as well as it did before, but that's likely just a product of me adding things in here and there, or just me adjusting to the changes. It should be more accurate though, both in Euphoria's knowledge of epics and weaknesses, and in the plausibility of Insight's escape. Let me know if there are still any problems!

Thanks! Feel free to run with things, but what I originally imagined was that Radiance played favorites, so people (including Vanillas) who she liked led comfortable lives, and people who she didn't care about would range form generally oppressed with few freedoms, to down-right awful. The main purpose of her regime was to benefit her, so she forced people to work so that she and the people she favored could benefit from their work, but as long as she got what she wanted, I think she pretty much let people do as they wished. So basically, if you weren't in her favored circle, you'd be forced to work, and might have your movement in and out of the city restricted, but as long as you got your job done, and kept your head down, you could do what you want with your free time. On the other hand, resources were probably limited, so a lot of free time would likely be spent trying to provide for basic necessities. I can world build more if you like, but you are free to as well. This was my general impression of what Vancouver was like. Since I was thinking from Brandon's point of view (and he was one of Radiance's chosen) I didn't really go into depth with what life would be like outside of that circle.

Thanks! I had no delusions of comparing myself to Rothfuss or Brandon, so no problems there. As for Euphoria's knowledge, I'll try to make her more reactive, and be more careful of the terminology I'm using. Edits should be up today or tomorrow, so thanks for the suggestions. Also, just a general thanks to everyone for indulging me. I never want to be someone who needs constant affirmation, and I generally like to be pretty independent, but I really appreciated that some of you took time to share your thoughts with me. Definitely made me feel better . David doesn't have files on every single epic, and we haven't seen Ozzy use his powers the same way Prof did. I think having similar powers, and considering them rare, is fine, as long as they aren't so common place, or used by epics so well known, that David should have known about them. This is actually a pretty big concern of mine, especially given Megan's powers to affect the world with alternate realities. I'm hoping Brandon doesn't do it, and that if he does do it he somehow manages to pull it off, but the potential is definitely there. We could also just have him be around, and then mention he died in the next Panda attack. He's not too integral to the current Dalles plot (as far as I can see) so it shouldn't be hard to side line him, and then let him die off screen, or just keep living. I liked the story. I definitely think it had the story-teller feel you seem to have been going for, and I liked when you had some of the listeners call the story teller out on some of the inconsistencies. Even if it has been done other ways by other people, I really like the idea of Anguish as a whole, and of her floating somewhere in space, spending millenia raging against the enemies of her creators. As someone who has written about plenty of derivative ideas, I'd say don't sweat the similarities. Even if other people have done the ideas before, the writing is still you, and you are still making it your own, and that's something to be proud of.

Hey, sorry my submission is late, I should be done with it soon! I was intending to submit over the weekend, and then got super busy! It'll be in before the day is over!

It's a rather big issue actually, and I'll freely admit it, I just wanted to know what people thought about the rest. Glad you enjoyed it!

Right! I'll add that to my list of edits! Also, thanks for the comments. Like I said, I'm fine with this canon stuff (it's important to me that my post fits), it was just a lot of it, after a lot of no commenting, and I kind of let it get to me. I'll figure out hogwarts houses when I get the chance. Right now I need to go make pizza!!

I would like to start the new day with a Rainmaker / Euphoria post (which I will put together as soon as I figure out the necessary edits for my closing post. Okay, sounds good. So, for final critique, the edits I will be adding to my next post are as follows (please chime in if you have anything to add): 1. Rainmaker's Segment: Hypno gets in a single command "Stop." Perhaps see Insight hesitate for half a second as he fights the command before going fully immaterial. Maybe tighten up the time frame a little bit. 2. Euphoria's Segment: Mention Insight barely escaping from Hypno's grasp, and establish that they have fled the immediate area and are out of earshot. 3. Flashback Sequence - Add in some time for Euphoria to figure out her weakness, establish that she did not know it automatically. I think that's the sum of all the issues with it, but again, please let me know if anyone has something to add, or if I still need to split the post or anything. I guess I got a bit ahead of myself, I was just really excited to get writing I guess. Also, as a side note, if people have time and feel up to it, I would really like some thoughts and some more general feed back on the post if possible (beyond continuity issues). I felt really good writing it, but the spending the rest of the day in silence on here, and then doing all this revision work (which I'm fine with doing!) has killed my confidence a little. I understand that I'm being self-indulgent here, and that there are a lot of other posts and things to talk about, but I would really appreciate it. The thoughts and feed-back doesn't have to be positive either, I'd just like to have more of an idea of what people think of it. I also get that it was pretty long, and understand if some people have not had time to read it all yet. Thanks for this, and for all the help with revisions! I'll try to get those done today or tomorrow, and get a morning post up (including Princess GOOD's debut) tomorrow. On the Batman front, I was thinking his weakness might be bats (since he fears them in the new movies, at least), which would make his costume choice a similar strategy Firefight Spoilers: . Only live bats would work, so he wouldn't have to worry about the iconography of his costume affecting his powers, but who would think to use bats against Batman? Craig has been watching Heroes lately, and I keep thinking of cool ways to adapt the super powers in that show into epics. I especially like Claire's power Minor Heroes Spoilers .

Not time to RP for me either, haha. Have to be at a wedding in an hour and a half. This must have been a busy week for everyone.

But If the command was weakened (1) By Insight being an Epic, and (2) The effect being dampened by Insight's lack of connection to the physical plane, as soon as he was immaterial he could speed up time for himself and get away before the second command was given. I suppose Hypno could have commanded him in the time in between when he dropped the flower and killed Iron Ogress, but if he was speeding up time for himself, it seems doubtful that he would have heard or understood the command at all, since Hypno would have been moving so much slower, relative to Insight. Again, I'm unclear if commands merely need to be heard, if they need to be understood, or what other requirements there are. Again, I'm fine with editing the post to be more accurate, but with Insight's powers, I don't think he would have a hard time escaping. I guess I was wrong about the weakness thing then (I also just found the Conflux scene - it's on page 45-46 in chapter 7 of the hardcover). I think I can edit it to have her figuring out her weakness, and having an "of course" moment without too much trouble. Why not wishing for Nighthound's death?