Usseewa

oh nice idk I'm just uhh stuff? not sure on anything yet .. idk

uhh whaaaat, me? noooo... also i love your member title lol

sigh i feel like messed up with that post how am i supposed to know what i like or want? i try to rely on what i remember feeling in the past because to me that's more reliable/"untainted" i don't think i hate being trans, but idk

Not sure if this means anything, but I've (somewhat secretly) always wanted to be a "cute anime"... person. At the time my mind was cute anime guy, but yk. Honestly the image I had in my head was probably more androgynous or something, idk. Then this one time I got a pfp but didn't really like it probably because it was too masculine tbh. Anyway uhhh (Also I don't mean "cute anime" in an unrealistic sense, not really. Lile I've met some people I'd... like to look more like, if that makes sense.) (Okay maybe slightly unrealistic but tbh I don't know what people can look like irl cuz I avoid looking at people sometimes to avoid seeming weird or something.) 1. I can have trouble identifying what characteristics are what, and sometimes I'm like "what does gender even meeeaaannnnnn!!" Also, "interests" can be hard to define for me. Like, how do I know what I actually enjoy and heat I'm doing cuz I'm "supposed to" to "fit in" or whatever. It seems like you're trying to stress this point, but I'm really sorry I kinda don't get it. The label and identify thing. 2. It seems like lots of people (*cough* gdb *cough* reddit *cough*) say stuff like "cis people don't question their gender" or something. It just doesn't seem like that could be right tho, like is it really that simple? I'd think cis people question their gender, at least for a bit. For me, I tend to think about stuff for longer sometimes though. 2.5. For me it's hard to define why exactly I want to be a girl, and so then if I even do. Like when I "imagine myself as a girl," what will change (socially)? Will I be more socially-comfortable or outgoing or whatever? I want to be. I want to be friendly (or, more friendly?) and comfortable and idk. Also, I... don't really have many cis "role models" or examples in my life. So.. how do I know what it's like to be a woman and what about it I want? Also, a bit separate perhaps, but I struggle to think of how something made me feel in the past. Like when I remember some of the times people called me a male or whatever pre-transition, how do I remember how that made me feel? Because what I "should" have felt was uncomfortable or something, right? But how do I remember if I did or not? 3. I don't think I hate being trans, except perhaps in the sense of "I'll never truly be a cis woman." I do, however think I was in the past and maybe still am frustrated that I.. can't really change my body. But, not perhaps in a straightforward dysphoric way, at least not in mindset. Like, as I said I always wanted to look/be cute, but only had some rare moments when I looked in the mirror and my hair looked just right and the clothing looked nice and... cough probably no facialhair cough. Speaking of facial hair, my face always felt, like, "dirty" or something when I needed to shave. Idk. I have this one photo of me from idk a year or two ago where I actually kinda like how I look. Then there's this other one that makes me want to puke, and did at the time as well. Also... I've never really tried to be stereotypically masculine, though that's not necessarily "a sign," right? I did actually, a few times, but looking back they might've just been performative or something, trying to reinforce "I'm male... hehe" or whatever. Other than that, I mean I was never into, like, weightlifting or anything like that (to build muscles). I might've felt like I should/had to though? I need to think on that more. Though for some reason I always, uhm, wanted to be... thin/skinny/slim/not bulky, though not necessarily overly so. Just not big and muscular, or whatever. Idk. I do remember.. when I made my intro post here on the Shard, someone I think "misgendered" me (at the time, I... was identifying as male anyway, and that person used he/him pronouns for me), and to be fair I didn't even have any pronouns displayed (cuz I didn't want to). But I just didn't like it. I didn't point it out or anything, probably cuz it was unnecessary, but I just tried to laugh it off to myself kinda. Yeah. Idk I just feel like I'm trying to prove I'm trans, to myself. This is the kinda stuff the HRT ppl wanna hear, I think. And myself. I also fear the echo chamber... Okay so I remember something. Back when I was younger, and even recently too, I'm fairly sure I wanted to be placed with girls in, like groups/teams/projects etc., like at school and other places. I also had or thought I had crushes on people at different times, and when I had a crush I obviously wanted to be grouped with that person, but yeah. Is it, uhm, weird that I've always been interested in... the female body? Like idk, how it's different from the male one, you know. Growing up I was kinda too scared to ask some of these questions though, so yeah. Anywho... idk how far we can stray into that territory... I guess I felt like I should know this stuff (and maybe ppl should anyway idk) but yeah idk. Also I kinda uhh always worried/thought something was wrong with me mentally but never brought it up to anyone. 4. Yep.. It's just hard to not worry, idk. (sorry, this kinda ended up being a long post somehow) (thanks)

Okay guys so do you mind sharing like what experience(s) or thoughts or something helped you realize (confidently) that you are trans? Like what helped with the doubts? Even if you still have them, how did you move past them enough to like idk. (sorry for potentially weird/confusing wording.) I 100% have had this experience, unfortunately. I'm not sure if they, like, actually believe I'm trans despite all the supportive comments that were maybe just false platitudes (is that the right term?) They haven't used any pronouns or name to my face or around me, though one time they slipped up but corrected it to say like "your" instead of "his" or something (it's been a bit so I forget the exact words). They also... deadname me "behind my back" (other people have told me that this person deadnames me when talking to them about me). They could just be trying to be careful or whatever like you said, but I highly doubt it. And why avoid pronouns and names entirely to me? Maybe they're uncomfortable? But they don't have... a great... history or whatever. Honestly I kinda feel similarly to you with like one or two decently close people, including the one I mentioned above. I would try bringing it up and asking them to use your new name, and saying how it really doesn't make you feel good to you. If they're uncomfortable from your name or something, it's my opinion that they kinda need to get over it/deal with it because your uncomfortable too and like you matter, you know? Like remind them or something. Sometimes it can help to hear it from the person (in this case, you). Like, I'll reluctantly admit that I sort of had(/have?) this experience also but from the other side. I don't know what it is but it just felt... sort of like a bystander effect I guess. Idk. Like maybe they're waiting for the other person to use your name or something, which will never happen because they're too waiting. Maybe this is wrong idk. Also it doesn't excuse it imo. Just saying idk. I'm not rlly proud of it either. Changing schools sounds good, I'm happy (as long as I read this right, and you're happy about changing schools?)

Sorry I can't say more right now, but also if it makes you feel bad about yourself or panic or something to think of how you shouldn't be online as much, then... you could also... not worry about it. Though it honestly depends if you legitimately need less online time. Also, you are your own person, you know? For the streak, I literally thought of Duolingo as I was writing it haha. EDIT: I personally think it's fine to read his blogs and stuff, and even hang out on these forums, as long as it isn't interfering with school or, like, relationships (friends, family, etc.) That's my opinion.

Updated now. If you meant the MFD stats, that is.

Okie cool Ig I'll just not think abt it too much shrug

Okay, so this is a continuation of a series from a bit ago. To be honest, I think I've written stories (like "Day" parts 1 and 2) that have a character named Lily that *likely* aren't the same Lily as this and previous stories. But yeah, look for Lily characters that seem to match. I think the first one from this series is Solitude from 2026/01/15. The next few days probably have the next parts, and then I may have written more after that too. All in all, you really don't need to read those for this story to make sense, but you can if you want to understand Lily better, perhaps. Anyway, enjoy. Escape Lily needed an escape. She had been studying non-stop all week. Or... she had been trying. It had been so hard lately for Lily to focus—on anything. She would sit at her desk for hours, making no progress on her work but refusing to allow herself a break until she got something done. Sometimes she just crawled into bed, choking on sobs and wanting to... well... do something, not... whatever this was. Lily wasn't even doing any of the things that usually distracted her from studying—her internet... acquaintances, writing, watching anime... And the reason was that each time she tried, she felt an overwhelming sense of guilt—she didn't deserve to do anything other than study. She needed to study; finals were next week and it was already Friday. Lily wanted to bang her head against her desk, but it was too cramped and her laptop sat there. The thing was, Lily had no one to complain—vent—to. She couldn't waste precious studying time whining about all her problems to people online, and she didn't really... have any friends at her university. She just wanted to scream, but what would the others in her dorm think? The others... Lily often forgot there were others, so near. Lily slumped in her crappy college-issue spinny chair, causing it to creak. She needed... something. Something different. She stood up, closing her laptop, and lay on her carpeted dorm room floor, gazing at the ceiling, letting her thoughts sort themselves out. Lily found that when she was... frustrated like she had been, a change helped her be able to think again. Usually that meant switching locations—anything to get away from that increasingly-depressing desk. Now that she could think again, Lily realized what she needed: fresh air. She had barely left her dorm in the past week... or even few weeks... except when necessary. She had walked quickly between classes, not stopping to savor and take in the nature. So, Lily sat up—getting momentarily dizzy—and looked around for her shoes. The dirty purple sneakers were near her bed, and she grabbed them and put them on. Lily's fingers trembled with anticipation as she tied her shoelaces, causing her to fumble them and take a few tries. She already had a hoodie on—though she wasn't sure if she'd even need it. It had looked sunny enough last time she'd glanced through the dorm curtains. Lily opened her dorm door and awkwardly walked down the hall, passing the other rooms, toward the stairs. Once she reached them, she realized just how weak and tired she was from barely sleeping in... well, weeks, but that week had been particularly rough. Lily slowly descended the stairs, then exited her dorm building. Lily was immediately greeted by a sweet breeze that blew her messy hair into her eyes, but she didn't mind. Not one bit. She was, however, surprised to discover that it was dark outside. Had that much time passed? Another day, wasted? She tried to push away those thoughts as she walked around the campus, headed nowhere in particular. She walked slowly, trying to make the most out of each moment, each breath, each gust of warm late-spring breeze. She soon found herself wandering toward the town her university was in. More room to walk, that way. Besides, she had never got the chance to explore these streets. Lily wandered the cracked-pavement roads, momentarily forgetting her burden. She found a random gas station, and was going to go in and get something—just for fun, as a little treat for herself—but sighed as she realized she hadn't thought to bring her wallet—practically empty though it was. Instead, she found a park and sat down on a bench. Lily sat there for... for... a while. She mostly allowed her mind to drift, pondering the nature of abstract art or the ultimate misery of life. After some time, Lily jolted from her mind as someone spoke. "Hey, uh, mind if I sit down?" P.S. yippee for my first longer story in a bit! P.P.S. any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental and uhh all characters are products of the author's imagination? Hehe? - Lily

Ah okay, thanks.

Okay well I don't really want to look at that, but would just like to know if - in general - Ch. 7+ are, like, depressing or something. Idk if that's easy to answer without giving spoilers. If not, that's fine, just lmk.

mowwewweowowouwu

So... what about password managers? Nice bloggy. I was thinking about "de-googling" but never really did any steps to so it. Also I think open-source isn't always more trustworthy, cuz if it's not big and no one looks at it, yk? Huh, I never heard of SIM fraud, interesting.

OwO

Yis I did know! It's alright, you shouldn't beat yourself up for "failing" or "giving in" Something that kinda helps me is logging out when I'm done (by "done" I mean going off the Shard, even if I end up returning later in the day.) That way I don't see my notifs and stuff right away. Though I found I just browsed as a guest or logged in anyway... but another thing you can do is.. do you have a quick, possibly impulsive, muscle-memory type of way you access the Shard? For me on my phone it has a "convenient" shortcut button in browser (it put it there automatically) then i found myself just pressing even if i didn't rlly wanna go to shard. for computer, it's mainly new tab and type a letter or two and hit enter or something cuz it autocompletes. So.. I basically mitigated those by deleting shortcuts and trying to get rid of suggestions. The thing is, once I found joy outside the Shard (namely going on walks, learning Japanese, watching anime, etc.), then I found it easier to "resist the temptation" of "just a quick peek" at the Shard. Idk yeah. Obviously, I still ended up coming back after a few days (but then leaving again), and coming back now, but yeah those days in between were pretty nice, even today where I spent like 3-4 hours or even more maybe playing this one videogame! It's not necessarily... something I'm proud of... but I did end up going on some walks today and stuff. Anyway, if you want to spend less time on the Shard, you should find things you enjoy either IRL or even online too (though maybe not just other forms of social media/forums). Also, if you don't like how much time you spend online, you don't necessarily have to completely stop (though in my opinion it's kinda easier). Also, if you end up taking a break and want to do it for longer but find yourself wanting to go on the Shard or something, you can either gamify it into a "streak" (though tbh it might make you feel bad if you break it), or tell yourself "one more day off the Shard won't be too hard!" Anyway, hopefully I didn't sound weird or anything but that's just some advice. Feel free to follow or not follow any of it however you want etc. etc.

UwU meow~ I've been practicing my meows for no particular reason

.. please explain the context? who's the speaker? you? me? just a meme? who's mentally ill haha? failing site = shard? was it a meme about being "popular"?

For some reason I'm already growing sick, so sayonara for now

Huh I was thinkin' more cuz I just needa spend less time online but don't necessarily want to not be online at all, you know? now I'm confused but no matter lol if you were confused about my taking a break or whatever, basically by break I didn't mean like months of a year or whatever, just a few days/weeks or something. I ended up loggin on for a few minutes or so a few days back, and logged in again today. So, idk what I'll do going forward but I probably won't be as online as I have been in the past. But we'll see, idk. Mental health priorities

Yeah, I've noticed you aren't chronically online lol. Or at least actually spend time offline haha. Maybe I'll try something similar. I just might not be able to engage as much, idk. Anyway, gtg for a bit again. Cya guys Might be back later today tho (just waiting to see if Factor comments)

Hi! Why so sad? I'll admit I could/should probably find a balance in between the two (chronically online vs "off the grid") I haven't "read" my notifs yet, so it's alright. Waiting till I have more time/in the mood. Hey, I'm somewhat confused too lol.