Usseewa

well i have it automatically make the color scheme based on my input of colors plus generate all the dozens of util classes also i have a builtin cas minimizer that i made

okay but what if I'm actually not trying that hard to get HRT? uhh I'll respond maybe to this later

i have a... library, of sorts, that makes my site structure/template for me. (not AI lol)

not impossible, that's how it usually is :3 BLASHPHEMY!!!

what worked that can't be exceptionless, tho?

uwu that's neat

is that about me :3? sorry i feel you.. sometimes it's hard to find the "perfect advice".. add me on disco my user is

what? did i say something? *metaphorically bites nails*

what's... eragon.. *heaves*

read my edit/addition... lol...

i don't know who i want to be at this point. i. fact i don't think i ever did, because i always made myself think i wanted to be someone i actually really did not... and am only finally realizing that, kinda? maybe i don't even know if that's true or if I'm just saying it like an cuz it makes sense like the piece of organic predictive text i am. how do i know who i want to be? oh... sorry i didn't realize. i just thought it looked cool. sorry i don't feel like responding to everything again it's a little tiring or something maybe, just rn it is. i don't know what the heck my problem is ughhhhh i hate this all if i just accept that I'm a girl without holding myself back with these stupid meaningless doubts, then ... I just hope I'm not wrong. then what do i do? get hrt? everyone says you don't need hrt to be trans, you don't need it to transition, so should I *not* get it? should i just wait longer? ugh stupid lily dumb brain now I'm just going back to what I've done my whole life and relying on others to tell me what to do. so but if i decide to get hrt (to try again, more like), then will it even matter.. will it even change anything... and plus I'd need to talk to them which ugh i need to like explain my dysphoria or whatever to them and why i want it and I'm really scared that... what if i don't actually want hrt and the only reason I've been pursuing it is because i feel like i should/have to? i don't want that to be true but what if it is? why can't i come up with a real reason besides "uhhh idk, breasts?" (i actually usually say the mental changes... then breasts but it feels weird to say it cuz then they'll think I'm weird.) i don't storming know what i want or maybe i do but don't realize what the heck is wrong with me sorry for not responding to everything and ending up posting a bit long anyway.. sigh

reluctant persitanexne? u saw i read it was that comment made before also you don't need to be awkward about wanting me to read your stories. you can yell it at my face and I'd just stand there expressionless and unmoving. when people yell at me i usually just do that.

... what the ado ... love the style sorry i haven't read the carnival one yet and sorrry i resd thjs so.late

thanks you, means a lot as long as it's true also i never edit.. so uhm.. I feel like the no editing (it's cuz I'm lazy but) i feel like it makes everything disorganized and crap also I was talking about like the Samantha and the other Lily story

sorry i still don't understand.. i also had a fairly large bowl of ice cream plus other sugar but I'm more tired... didn't sleep the best the last two nights and had a miserable time at hell i mean school just the heat

well at the very least it's cute, which is what I've been and what i was aiming for. imo. *eats a spoon of salt just so it—* ————— the problem is how do i know if it's actually affirming? cuz if im not a girl then it's not affirming. if i am, then great and i can continue. but if I'm not I'm just continuing the delulu..

i don't get it please explain my brain is wiped clean and burned fried up and roasted

but i feel like I'm just telling myself I'm a supposed to be a girl and listening to that but obviously i still doubt myself and idk. my brain is too confused to know what i think at the moment... but i feel like I've doubted a lot...? but.. for me I just basically saw the word "trans" and was like "ooh! new thing to obsess over!" at least whateevr that's how i see it maybe kinda..? i wish I'd discovered it through something like that. i mean.... I won't get into details but...uhhh.. yeh nvmmmmmm i barely even know how or why i discovered anything me trans i wish a lot i could go back and see exactly what i was thinking at certain moments. but uh.. depression? does that count as being intoxicated? WHY IS EVERYTHING SO DAMN HARDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD like ugh I can't stormin understand ANYTHING like 6 months ...? cough hrt cough btw to answer your question from your last post i forgot to... i probably wanted hrt cuz i thought i should i say "probably" because i don't actually know why i wanted it, or maybe i do and don't want to admit it to myself. if faking being trans means i probably am trans... then what about... being worried I'm faking it..? idk sis... ughh now i just feel stupid again do all these stupid "sign" and thoughts or experiences in my dumb past even mean anything or am i just manipulating or altering then to fit the narrative? this is part of what's holding me back with the hrt doctor people.. because i don't wanna sound like a stormin idiot.. well.. i guess i was female-presenting without realizing it a lot. i mean i kinda did realize but not in a "oh that means I'm trans" way..? idk idk i feel like i just keep inventing parts of my past as "evidence" and crap.

Knowledge Armed with knowledge, I am. Protected from lies, she is. Able to know, The truth from the nonsense. Able to tell, When to believe. Or maybe she can't, And I believe nothing. - She

Authentic Self Who am... I? What is "me," "myself"? This entity? What do "I" want? What... "makes me happy"? When I can't define... Anything, anymore. How can I know when I'm happy, When I'm living true? - Lilith (Lily)

how do i know I'm not just internalizing (or whatever the word is) being trans and like making myself believe it..? idk what to say/do/think because like again today i literally literally felt like a girl and i was like sitting at my school and looking blankly ahead sort of but imagining myself in that moment and seeing myself as a girl but also just looking forward out of my eyes, i felt like i was.. looking from the perspective of a girl? idk if that makes sense. plus i was wearing a pretty cute outfit :3 but still even with thar I'm not entirely sure and now i don't know if i should just forget/move past these doubts at this point? I've had this many times before.. like when I gotta start an essay sometimes i stall and complain to myself or others and in my head i make it this impossible making me wanna curl up and cry/die thing.. and then eventually I begin to see that i can actually do it.. and then after that it takes a little bit to.. transition from the state of mind and, like, accept that i can stop crying about it and just do it. but in that transition phase i *want* to keep "crying" about it, and it takes a little effort to make the switch but then it's uphill from there. sometimes i wish i knew words/terms for everything so people (including myself) would more easily know what I'm going through or whatever. like...... but.. how do i know i wasn't just influenced by the internet to be trans? (not blaming anyone here, just myself. Plus Reddit... i browse reddit.... anyway shut up lily.) so uhh.. yeah how do i know. because sure, "cis people wouldn't spend months being trans or obsessing over it or whatever the heck it is that I'm doing" but what if I'm somehow the exception? what if my adhd/anxiety/depression/something else makes the situation different for me? I've obsessed over things before that i obviously don't have, but those were less believable and less logical that being trans. Even if some of my early thoughts were literally "i can't believe i actually might be trans, i never really thought that was possible for me"... idk.. also being trans isn't a "negative" or "bad" thing, per se, unlike some other things I obsessed over. Being trans (or LGBTQ+) is actually, imo, a "good" thing. Like.. I think I secretly wanted to be so for a while, even if I didn't know it? Lots of people around me are, and they're all just.. so cool. So.. maybe I just wanted to be cool? "I wish I was special..." (song reference). And does that mean I'm not trans? Also, going back to the "good" thing, since I see being trans as "good," I could've just allowed myself to more seriously consider/obsess over, and actually delude myself into thinking I'm trans...? ...why do i keep writing such long messages lately? yeah idk what else to say for now.. but the overall point is how can i just say I'm trans and be confident in it.. when LITERALLY the thing that sparked it all was: and if I'm being honest, i think i even skimmed it cuz i was too scared to read it fully or something for some reason. i guess it feels like my experience/process wasn't authentic or natural, since like I was aware.. it's like like there was a lead-up... was there? I think I started trying to present more feminine online in the months leading up to it (when I *was* online, that is..) I've always... for some reason been interested in how girls.. type, online. And how it was different from how... males type. I wanted to type like a girl for some reason... but like for some reason I associate(d) stuff like UwU, OwO, :3, and other "cutesy" emoticon-type-stuff with femininity, and so I used them tehe.. I allowed myself to use them. At least a little. I've probably said this several times now... but once I was in a chat with some people and someone asked "wait, <my username>, are you a woman?" And I... kinda wanted to say yes, but of course my dumb brain just said "I've neither confirmed nor denied blah blah" etc... same happened a while before that. I was chatting with this person and said I was a girl, and even like tried it for a few minutes or something, like I typed like I was and "tried to sell it," but then like they asked "really?" or something and then I... yeah.. stopped. I just wish I had said "yes" (for both) and been a woman online, then had that as pretty strong "proof" to myself and others (including just how it felt) whenever I realized/questioned if I was trans. is it weird that I'm pretty sure I've gotten gender envy when I've seen people using female characters in video games? I just wish I'd *allowed* myself the so many things I denied myself... sooner..

i think kinda.. not entirely sure and lately i think I've been using more of a similar personality with most everyone code-switching might be what it's called. not sure.. maybe masking

..did i ruin the challenge lol opefull ynot anyway bye fr now..

what did you... think of.. the other mfd's...

i mean.. i use it all the time like i showed when i use APIs like.. await promise.then((r) => { ... })) or something if i recall.. Ah I'd forgotten holy quadruple quote :3 coolios on another note.. do you know ternary if statements and null-coalescing operators? they're soooooo fun and i never knew about them till php, but now know that basically every language has them (or ataleast ternary-if) even python, tho it's styled differently: regular: a ? b : c where a is condition, b will be returned if a is true, otherwise c for python: b if a else c anyway yeahhhhhhhh also null is just a ?? b basically it returns b if a is null(ish)/undefined, otherwise a. useful for default values or whatever sometimes to protect from errors