Usseewa

My brain is dumb a lot... "I need coffee and sleep" -- Me

for me i didnt even think of myself as LGBTQ+ hehe even that time when I identified as female for a veryveryvery short period of time I hope that's actually a Sign of my trans-ness and not just some random thing every cis person does..

hehe, welcome welcome!

I'm gonna say that I'm very eepy... it only did like 6 or 7 hearts of damage (jumping)

Damn sorry.. My parents always said I could grow out my hair if I wanted too... but, like, one time I think I expressed wanting too but they said nope. Probably my fault... probably was too vague and stupid like always

I can ask, probably. Yeah.. 3 months isn't the worst, but I also just... like after/during the appointment I just started doubting myself again and like "do I actually want or need HRT? Do I want it enough? Wait, am I still trans?" Basically they wanna hear what I want out of it (I basically just said mainly the mental stuff and basically all the physical changes too) and, like, I forget exactly but kinda how I want it to affect my life and also like ig what dysphoria I'm feeling maybe? I forget the exact stuff... I gotta look into this... I mean like journal or write here or whatever about that... Cuz I've... cough.. wanted a different body or at least wondered what it would be like a few times over the years. I've pretty much wanted longer hair deep-down for... damn, like at least 5 years maybe 6 or 7 tho (tehe). Or, I've wanted it as early as like over 5 years ago, and probably before then. I wanted to grow it out.. but was unfortunate enough to not. This one time I told someone, online, that I was a girl. And acted like one. Damn.. Oop But that didn't last very long at all because I just backed out and stuff... I probably thought it wasn't okay for me to be a girl cuz I thought I wasn't, u know? So I'd be lying and deceiving... sigh Then a few times I tried to get people to think I was a girl without saying so.. I think I mentioned that above. I think I even tried feminine/female digital avatars, however briefly. As for IRL... idk, besides wanting diff body parts. I mean, I've never liked my voice or facial hair. I don't think I liked being included in an all-male category/group/etc., if ya know what I mean. Cough usingthebathroom cough Cough locker/changingrooms cough Cough swimming cough Cough neverlikedhaircuts cough Oh yeah. So sometimes when I was getting a haircut it almost hurt each time they cut the hair off, like I could feel it, it felt like a piece of me was being cut off. I mean.. technically it was lol but it was different. Like it gave me shivers/spinetingles sometimes, idk. What else... Never had much of an identity. Could also be from masking but shrug Never fit in with anyone. Never talked to many people, never had many friends, and I don't think I was completely satisfied with the ones I had (cough onlymales cough). I've had a few crushes... but also think I wanted to be friends with other girls. Either mistook it for crushes or idk whatever. Yah. In fact... I wrote in my diary once when I was a dumb child "I want to be friends with [name redacted] :3" except the ":3" was a different face or whatever that was basically the same meaning. What I was actually saying but for some reason--IN MY PRIVATE DIARY--afraid to say was that I had a crush on her... but yeah. Heh. Never had much of a fashion sense / never really wore many clothes I particularly liked, beyond just tolerating them. I had these pants I liked for a bit.. but then didn't like 'em anymore since I also had, like, no other styles. Yeah. Sigh. T-Shirts were really my only way of expressing myself clothing-wise.. Near the time when I started questioning (maybe a month or two before), I started hating my clothes basically and wanting to get new ones.. Not sure I'd've been happy with new ones had I got 'em tho... cough men'sSection cough. I've kinda just avoided thinking about my pronouns/gender/etc. in the past. Like on forms under like gender identity and all that I'd just put male cuz, u know, that's what I thought I was, what else would I be? Sorry if any of this is repeating info I've said before... I just felt like writing this idk why. I remember this girl in my class once had a preferred/chosen name or just a nickname, but idk that memory just stuck with me kinda. I think the nickname/chosen name was pretty different from birth/probably legal name. I remember it even today, but won't say it here obviously. I've... always been interested in sapphic stuff, but was also too afraid to, like, get any books/look for any media/etc. because, u know, I guess... I... yeah. I remember after reading Yumi (or during? Idk. I read it in like two days lol. cough bodyswap cough.) anyway so I remember I read the acknowledgements, which I rarely do, and it said one of his inspirations for the book was Your Name. So I looked that up and watched it. Then looked up more bodyswap movies lol. I don't think I ended watching any more, but I'm not always great with finding movies/TV. That was before I started questioning. Before I joined the Shard, even. So maybe some time in November or December. I... may have headcanoned characters to be lesbian/sapphic before I knew what headcanoning was. hehe. I've only read, like, one book series with a female character similar to me (and I read it in like a week or two or idk. four books, 400-800 pages each. hehe.) Basically she's socially awkward, lonely, and a programmer. I probably wanted yuri before I knew what that was haha. Still haven't read any, don't know if I ever will, but yeah. Wait a sec... Just remembered another thing... I read this book series where one character is a girl who pretends to be a guy. Like Mulan, kinda. I wonder what I thought of that... I actually... uhm... actually nvm I won't mention that hehe. I read His Dark Materials just for Lyra (the female main character). About a month before I started questioning, I read a book and it briefly mentioned something sapphic, and yeah I was like "bro why u only talk abt it for one sentence!!" Cuz I've read barely anything sapphic sigh.. Omg There's this show I watched years ago, and it had this one episode that was related to lesbians, and I kinda liked that episode a lot? Or... something. It was definitely different than the other episodes, for me. Idk if this means anything.. but I've basically done no sports hehe. Uhhh... clothing gave me anxiety. Yep. Especially stuff like not just wearing essentially the same thing every day. I didn't really like "dress clothes" or anything like that, or even just nice clothes in general. Just plain sweatpants, plain hoodie, and a graphic tee. Also belts were... interesting. Can't remember if I liked them or hated them. Also this was, like, around a year ago at minimum, and probably both before and after too. Every time I look back on my texts I just remember being depressed then and not feeling the joy I sometimes expressed. It's just depressing to look back on basically every single text I've sent, going back years, and remembering how I was basically depressed then. Sigh. And so uhm.. you guys know Street Fighter? Eh basically it's this old arcade fighting game but point is you get to choose your character and hehe I was kinda afraid sometimes to choose the female character (there were, like, one or two lol, and a bunch of males. Of course). But, anyway, sometimes I chose the female character and was "uhh, she's more agile. Her abilities are really good." Yeah so basically a recurring theme for me is being too scared to do what I actually want to because of what others would think, and also cuz I somehow thought it wasn't right for me to do. For the texts, it's actually just kinda depressing to look back on them because everything "I" said just seems weird and off, idk how to explain it. Anyway.... there's my life story lol might add more later but this is a good "start" Edit: oh crap those last few sentences ("For the texts,") and onward, including this right now, are/were written after looking through a bunch of my old texts and now I feel weird writing this help Edit2: sigh this'll prolly wear off but now the stuff I wrote earlier in the post I'm feeling disconnected from. From both that and this. I feel weird. I feel bland. I feel maybe like I used to. Those texts were bad. Or I'm just tired. Edit3: ugh, now I'm having the same reaction that I had when reading those old texts to reading this. It just looks so stupid and emotionless and fake-happy, even tho I'm pretty sure it wasn't fake-happy when actually writing it. What did I do to myself..

Yeah.. Idk if I told you but I did my HRT appointment and... failed it. Basically I'm not ready... Not sure enough... Still gotta think about what I want... 6 months of persistent feelings (I have like 2.5 I guess rn...) Yeah... Idk their competence, but it seems relatively decent.. Yeah Sigh Also does it count retrospectively Like thinking back and realizing that I wanted to be a girl years ago?

dividing by zero

Infinity (Minecraft)

Bow and arrow UwU

Yeah this Sooner or later you'll be making (more?) decisions for yourself

Oh sorry I forgot about this. I think it kinda helps because I've been thinking of how I basically wanted to be a girl years ago so yay validation But.. is mental changes really a valid reason? And like I don't even know what I want now. I can't think. I don't even know what I think about my body. It's a thing. Great. Whatever.

Curtsy Tehe

Blindness Hehe

Honor is Dead

Cave-ins

Summer heat (play on words haha)

Yeah ik sometimes this thread gets a bit like that uhh Checkmate

Potgender (srrryyyyyy) Uhhh Idk lol Ooh Self-doubt ig

I DON'T GET IT BUT COOL Agender

Has anyone guessed Vasher yet? I think he doesn't like Hoid... Or maybe I'm thinking of Thaidakar... Oh wait Khriss (or Nazh) don't like Hoid! But aren't highly invested to my knowledge...

Universal translator

Lol that's so interesting Huh

Maybe your struggling to think of yourself that way, but that is likely part of it in and of itself. If you tell yourself "I'm not a "real" girl," then that just feeds the doubts. You can be a girl even if you don't transition, especially when it's not safe to do so or you can't. And if your just not ready, that's okay too. But you shouldn't tell yourself your aren't who you are, unless you actually aren't. Like, why do you say you aren't a "real" girl? Edit: Updated my siggy lol. Just the top line From STRIFE BEFORE WEALTH... | ...ANGST BEFORE BLEAKNESS... | ...WORRY BEFORE DESPERATION to LOVE BEFORE STRIFE... | ...LIGHT BEFORE BLEAKNESS... | ...HELP BEFORE DESPERATION Maybe I need an L synonym for Help or something. Eh it's fine It doesn't rhyme/sound-as-similar to the OG LifeB4Death, but yeah.

Writing in a way the reader can understand hehe (I love poetry, this was mainly for the funs)