Usseewa

That was ur 8,000th post Also dw it's fine

Okay so here's the blog: https://www.17thshard.com/blogs/blog/213-microfiction-daily/ Some of the stories connect to one another or are sequels.. but you don't really needa worry about that much, especially for stuff from like february and this month. Though... I do have a big plot thing that some people know about.. hehe... so if you are more Invested in the lore and everything then I can give you more of a "reading order" lol, but you can just read some of the most recent ones. Though if you want to read everything, start from the beginning. Anyway enough blabbering. Oh yeah and my most recent one has at least two that are part twos from a few days before. Hehe Sorry if I made it like the Cosmere reading order lol

Yah lol I can't rlly write longer stuff but i started a fanfic that's kinda cringey a few months back (actually, two, but eh) yeah.. i don't really know what else to say about depression lol. also if you wanna look at my writing I can share the shard blog but whenver i share I feel like yk i'm just trying to get ppl to read it.. actually you would've seen it anyway whenever I post next yo what the veil, I think my youtube just updated

Unfortunately I do know what it's like... sigh It got better in the past few months (after I realized I was trans and started transitioning) but before that, for basically my whole life haha, I've known what many many of those things are like. Yay for shared depressionstuff! As for the nightmares one... it looks kinda long and I don't rlly have time to read it rn (since I'm "doing HW" rn)

Hehe Lots of my stuff is depressing I made some ... questionable things too. Ah, cool. Shallan's my favorite character hehe. You should post your writing here if you're comfortable with that.

Hehe yeah You a writer? I am too, but mostly short stuff and poetry. Unfortunately I don't get the reference... sigh... Sleep? Eh whatever. Eat? Eh whatever. Drink? Eh I guess, since it's easier.

Hehe Idk if this even counts as multitasking, but yeah.. More like: *does HW for a minute* *checks shard* *goes back to HW for 5 seconds* *checks shard* *gets notification* *responds* etc. Hehe what's sleep

You can always do both :3 That's what I'm doing now lol

Hehe so true... (no social life) Everyone was so surprised I got hundreds of posts in a few weeks or smth and I was like "wait, everyone else isn't on the Shard 23/7?" (I need to get some sleep, an hour should do)

I meant like while lurking (without an account) if you saw any of my posts or smth Through The Lurking Girl haha

Hehe I'm a lurker.. Ooh, have you seen me?

Indeed I see u lurkin'

Hey, nice pfp!

Languid on the couch CW/TW maybe? Could be (mis?)construed as suicide or SH or something, idk. As for just depression, I've almost always felt like my depression was different than other people's, but yah idk. I've pretty much been depressed nonstop for years (probably true), so yeah... Yeah true. And then sometimes I actually do hurt but just keep it held inside and suffer on the inside but who cares. Yeah... I've had a few things, but they seemed minor to me, even though they really weren't. Or, they seemed distant? Right now I'm kinda grieving myself because of the life I didn't have and all those years wasted. Like I'm thinking I could've at least tried to get some happiness from presenting as female online. Also... I don't know if I've said this here but a few years back or so I thought I was gonna die. The specifics maybe aren't relevant, but basically when people were excited for stuff or talking about things in the future, I thought to myself "yeah... I won't be around then" and never really told anyone that actually. It kinda went away after maybe a few weeks idk, but yeah it kinda sucked. Also speaking of excitement... I'm not often excited for things, and sometimes that makes me guilty especially when it's something like spending time with someone. Edit: I also kinda... just do what I'm told. Like don't make many choices for myself or have much of an opinion, I guess. At least in the past.

I don't think I knew about Celeste until a year or so ago.. and even then I never played many videgames oh crap I just remembered I actually made another platformer with a female player. Though for that one I had a very good excuse, cuz I was just following a tutorial and used the same sprite. Doesn't mean it wasn't nice, it was, I think. Also I'm still not even entirely sure if/how/whatever I do dissociation

how do you mean? I'm just feeling like depressed but weird -- also i just realized that I actually made a game where the player is basically female hehe. It's pixels tho so harder to tell but yah... hehe. This was a while ago I also played a ... pirated maybe ... version of Celeste for like a few minutes prolly.

same lol.... then sometimes the shard just makes me sick so i go down rabbit holes on the internet but like .. yeah. Makes me feel Breathless and Hollow. Haha.. I've also always been a bland loser.. I remember a while ago i kinda had like the mindset that i was basically a robot (tho not literally?) but like robotic and emotionless and monotone and yeah... I mean i kinda was.. but i still felt emotions like strong anger or upsetness/frustration, but sometimes things just don't faze me. In fact in the past year or few I've "taught myself" to just ignore and be numb to most insults and whatnot.. like I just ignore it or don't react. Some may say it's a good thing. I'm now thinking maybe not-so-much. I don't even think I've really felt grief. When my family was grieving, I was kinda forcing myself to cry I think and I just didn't feel that sad by it. Maybe like "oh," like a little shock or like something mildly surprising was said to me instead of something that should be very sad. Yeah... Anyway I'll stop there since I gotta do other stuff

do you still/ever feel disassociated or something? cuz i might be rn

ah

and what point was that? edit: anyone else felt in the past like no matter what they do it won't make them happy? Like "in the past" including before realizing you're trans. For example, watching TV or reading or writing or going outside or spending time with family/friends or drawing etc. It just wasn't usually happy-ifying. I guess sometimes it was, for time. But yeah

Gemmel?

According to the wiki, her homeworld is Sel. https://coppermind.net/wiki/Riina

Obligatory Hoid!

oh also about a year ago I was questioning if I was gay. hehe. edit a few hours later: oh and I've always had crem handwriting and envied all the handwriting of girls I knew. I've always thought crop-tops are super cute. I think leading up to my egg cracking or whatever it's called is that I started... like admiring female fashion? I forget exactly.. but I think like when I was watching a movie or something. Or maybe it was recognizing handsome men or cute guys.. hmm... Or both? Oh also whenever sexuality/attraction came up I was just like (similarly to what I did for gender identity) uhh, yeah I'm attracted to women I think, yeah. Basically "yeah, of course I'm cishet wdym what else would I be? Hehe.." Wait do I neglect my body's health? (Food, sleep, water, etc.) Oopsies. Oh also, kinda like what I mentioned before. when people made general comments like "guys are so dumb" or "guys are always such brodudesportsjocks" and I... felt insulted each time. Idk exactly what that means, but yeah. I always felt that those statements were including me somehow, even when the people saying them obviously weren't meaning me. Or maybe I just don't like people making overgeneralized and kinda stereotypical. Like.. sure there are lots of annoying and cremmy guys... but like idk, and clearly not every guy is "bad." I've never wanted to be seen as an overly masculine/sportsbro person. I've never quite been like the guys I was around/knew/etc. ... I guess maybe I felt lonely.. like not just general loneliness (though that too) but... like I remember in one of my classes or something, it was fairly small and stuff but there was like one girl there and a bunch of guys. The guys weren't particularly cremmy, pretty average, but yeah.. Also my memory may be off on this one, but yeah. Yeah. That's it for now, probably. edit: looking back on some stuff and realized that like a day or two before I started questioning, I read one of Eddie's stories with a character named Lilly hehe @Aeoryi on phone rn so hard to quote but treat this as if I'm quoting your post abt being enby so... I'm not sure if this counts since I didn't state or think it... but I may or may not have also been enby online. Again, not sure of it counts tho. Because I basically avoided saying my pronouns online (and, again, I've said this before but resaying it with new info). I corrected some people who defaulted/assumed he/him, basically saying like don't assume pronouns etc. I think. And yeah so I basically didn't set my pronouns. At the time the reason was.. because I'm internet-paranoid and I guess considered pronouns to be personal info, which maybe they are but yeah. So idk, maybe I *was* just being paranoid/safe (however you want to look at it). oh also some more to add to my trans infodump stuff: I keep remembering parts of shows/books/movies that had trans-esque/whatever elements. So... Ready Player One. If you don't know abt it, there's a book (actually, two) and a movie for the first book. It's sci-fi, dystopian, set a few decades or something in the future, but the point is that there's this... basically global VR MMORPG that nearly everyone on the planet plays, to escape the gross/polluted/ruined Earth. And... one element is that you have your own avatar, yk? So... I think in the beginning it says basically you can be a different sex there (also different age, different etc.) Or, you can have people see/treat you differently, because it's also, like, VR so yeah. (Spoiler for the movie/book if anyone cares) So yeah that was kinda interesting. Also in a book this female IRL plays an MMORPG with a male character because I think she was being harassed or something so yeah. Idk if I'm just grasping at straws or whatever but yeah. Those were interesting books. Reread them a few times hehe. omg wait a sec so I read this book about 6 months ago (HAHA) with a sapphic couple and I can't remember exactly what my thoughts were but like when the two girls first met or were hanging out or something... but I think I basically wanted that, aka wanted to be a girl and have a girlfriend. And at the time maybe my thought wasn't exactly that, maybe more like I just want a girlfriend, because you know I didn't know I was trans, but yeah. It's hard sometimes unless it was memorable to remember exactly what I thought or felt at a point. I guess I liked the idea of being able to be whoever you want (a girl) online... since I couldn't be (to my knowledge) irl. That doesn't really mean I had a female online persona at all, but I think the idea of it was something I wanted but didn't do because that would be deceiving and weird (in my mind). Also some of this could be wrong (my thoughts) and also it's not like I knew I was trans or had a clear and accepted/acknowledged idea that I wanted to be a girl. It was more subconscious and like idk. Not all subconscious actually, but yeah. Oh wait I just remembered I read another sapphic book/series before... Oh wait omg I think I remember a book/character I headcanon'd to be either lesbian or bi. can't remember if i did or not but i think i did. I think... since I didn't really overtly have a feminine persona, at least not a hugely significant one, books may have been an "outlet" or whatever for me. Because... I basically read all books for the female POV, including the Cosmere. Maybe to "get in the mind" of a girl/woman.. aka be her hehe.. idk but yeah. I also, like, never wrote anything, like short stories or poetry or whatever. I wrote a few poems, but I don't think ever a short story. In the months leading up to egg crack, I had a few ideas and, like, wanted to write them but then got stuck deciding what pronouns/gender to make the characters, because I wanted to make them female but thought I shouldn't for some reason. I actually wrote an unfinished Cosmere fanfic, kinda. But the main character was male cuz you know.. Actually I also started a cringey Shallan fanfic. Then sometimes I wanted to make a female character and then forced myself to make them male instead. Actually this one time I was gonna make an enby character... but didn't. Yeah.. I think one thing that was holding me back was character's genders cough d&d cough. Tho I only ever made male characters sigh. Because I didn't think I was.. allowed to make female ones. Oh and uhm I know guys can wear bracelets too but... I've worn bracelets for like many years. I may have stopped in-between, but started again like a year or two ago and have worn a bracelet nearly every day since... Probably the first "good" humanoid I've drawn was female.. And this I had a reasonable excuse so it was fine. But that was fun to draw. So... for D&D (specifically the Player's Handbook) there's this illustration of a female character that is very memorable (there are certain images, moments, thoughts, words/speech, lines, etc. that stick with me and I remember them often). I probably wanted to be her but also always made sure to not linger on the page and always flip quickly past it.. lol.. also, in one section about basically making ur character's personality and whatnot, it basically says that you can choose your character's sex, gender, and sexual orientation and everything and for some reason I always remembered that. Anyway yeah not sure why I'm posting all this here but shrug also what's going on i feel different and i don't like it i feel sick and disconnected and weird

Nightblood