Usseewa
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Everything posted by Usseewa
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i think i have autism and at first i was kinda chill/happy but now i literally feel horrible and also it explains so much but now I just want to go back to masking because now anything i do is obviously autistic/nd and i don't want to be autistic but also ive been subconsciously (but ive also noticed it) unmasking for days or weeks and now I'm more nd in public and can't help it and ugh and then when i spiral i just can't express it cuz all the reactions are nd and ugh and now i can't express stuff even if i used to because it's too storming autistic and idk if i mentioned but i just wish i wasn't autistic (if i am) or maybe just it was much easier when i was unintentionally/subconsciously masking... I'm already talking with someone abt it but figured I'd post here too yeah also i was considering it for week/days/weeks but only today was like yeah edit: and like there's just so so so much to process and idek what to do and every thought, word, and action of mine are just stupidly autistic or at least I notice it and then I get frustrated that why the storms do I have to be autistic and then I'm like crap no stop getting frustrated in such an autistic way and then GAH [removed by moderator] i guess I'm a bit better rn but still bad. and like with masking idek what's me and what/who I am and like I didn't even have a life. and it just makes so much sense but yeah. and i guess I've been talking more and not having as much of an expressionless face and tone and now my voice sounds odd to me and kinda energetic and emotion-infused kinda and stuff.. but i probably sound like a fool anyway. but for masking like what do i do sure, I wanted be happy and not such of a loser but why does that have to mean unmasking. and does this mean I'm not trans? i can barely live with myself ugh not even my own mind no I'm probably not suicidal but it just feels like that. at least it ... like ... explains why I was so like bad and stuff ... by bad I mean some of my rudeness or perceived rudeness and also just my inability to do stuff like talking and thinking about crap whatever i doubt that makes sense edit 2: oh yeah and now I'm just thinking i look stupid in the clothes I wear. like who wears basically all pink like who. and i prolly look stupid in a skirt and trans thigh-high socks like ugh. edit3: now I'm basically back to "normal" as in dull but on the negative side and for some reason i feel worthless idk why tho so maybe it's fake. i also just feel verrrryy weird cuz like for some reason it was a veryvery big realization that I probably have autism and like yah edit whatever: maybe drained, not worthless? anyway I'll shut up now edit way later: damn I probably sound so stupid... yeah.. oh and I hate like when i freeze up like with choices because like yeah it's rlly hard
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idk nvm
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but i just want to like stop killing myself and pretend it never happened and move past it and ignore it and wait for it to get better and also idek what counts as bad hehe but like like likekekejje ur right i gotta get not stuck and stop having fun writing about people dying/bleeding/etc. because it's obviously not great for me hehe.. dammit this homrwork is killing me hehah not rlly it's finee fine
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also now i hate myself for ruining myself because i dont want help because i dont need it because if i did then i actually am ruined i love anya dont watch it or anythig if liablel to be depressed is my motto ... 3 days ago..? also help sorry but im fragile when it comes to tv/movies they always make me depressed uwu
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oh also (tw/cw mention of blood and gore)
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what's it like having a childhood i dont remmember mine much didnt do much, idk a;so cwhos yay i love goodkid ty
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What's Friday? or just arbitrary deadline? idk, some other mental block that you'll hafta ruminate on if you want
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i mean u can get an electric razer and then that just takes like a few minutes in the morning or night or whenever, it's pretty easy and worth it i didnt shave for a few days and i hated looking and thinking of myself it sucked if u wann shave, shave. yah i do therapy but we dont talk bout big stuff oft'
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...u can shave, yk? srry bout the acne and blood tho also childhoods don't exist yes ik she does. she also needs some serious help :3 unlike me thankfully
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what part wasn't a joke the 20/30 or whatver percent okay? i didn't think it was tbh the poems have some ... themes the blood one? supposed to be an underlying theme of dysphoria. or not-so-underlying idk. mixed with some ... other stuff also lol im doing math homework rn but im addicted to the shard and hate myself for it
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hehehe i'm the crazy kind of "okay" heheheheheh well do smth goodfor urself maybe dont read my writing idk why i wrote it anyway
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look at this lame writing idek if it should be canon or not no idea if it's at all where i want the character to go if ya know
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oh oops my phone wason the shard but bye frfr now sayonaraaaaaaa HIYA HIYA HIYTAAAALLLLAA yes too sorry I just gotta do some dumb homework sigh
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oh yes hehffffffffffffff idk what to do so byebyebyebyebyebyebyebyebyebybeybyebeybeeybeeyeye
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wait did u get it? like hrt ??????? not just appt???????????????????????????????????? also idek if im depressed or not but im probbaly not okay but who is
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hmmm sometimes i do to tess, sometimes i do to but alas we are stuck in these fleshy bags of blood and brains
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just gotta wait it out... maybe it's when I'm irritable. Then people get on my bloody nerves so much. Other times I want to talk to people so much
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sometimes people disgust me sometimes I just want them to shut up sometimes I don't feel like explaining everything to them sometimes I just wish... idk. also who asked me what うっせぇわ means? Was it Verde? It means Usseewa in Japanese, the title of a fire Ado song, and basically it's a rude version of "shut up!" or smth nah I'm not in danger dw I'm just making it all up it's justinmyhead I'm just trying to get attention I'm fabricating depression again pick your poison
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TW SH
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oh yeah people are idiots and know nothing but also if ur insane maybe you'll think that too sometimes i just go into bouts of "everyone's an idiot i hate everyone everyone makes me wanna puke why does everyone suck" hehe yaeh
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TW idk sh or smth
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no.. i just hid in my seat they used my correct name later tho... sigh that's the first time one of them has done it .. I'm basically in fear a lot for when someone deadnames/misgenders me or brings attention to my gender or anything (aside from Lily + she/her) like when ppl are talking fast and not thinking or if they're particularly insane and loose-lipped that day hehehe
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hehe sounds nice uwu
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just advocate for urself trust me if u don't, they'll keep assuming ur fine with it and if they don't let u get longer hair after u've said u want it, ... get long hair anyway. Also, u can, like, have the hair person trim it a little and make it so it will look nicer growing out — also guys one of my... instructors... deadnamed me (I assume it was a slip-up) and I hated it like it kinda ruined the already-lame class the class was horrible and barf-worthy already nothing against the instructor or the content tho
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i wonder what it's like to be insane... hmmm... hehe Idk if that counts but ur not supposed to talk politics. Trust me...
