Robinski

Comments. (Page 1) - "to properly do all the paperwork properly" - particularly jarring splitting of the infinitive. - This page reads smoother to me. (Page 2) - placing bets. - Was Mother in the first version? I know she was mentioned, but I just don't remember her. I only remember Aunty. - "Her cheeks turned pink" - She already blushed a couple of lines before, so they're already pink. - "sprung up onto the long table because going around would take too long" - This is very wordy. This just became an action scene and we need a high pace, I think. I guess you need to say something so we know E's not scared of the mouse though. - I feel like the timing's off. The mouse is small and moves really fast, but E's movements will be slower and more cumbersome as a human, so much larger. If the mouse is only at the next table that's what, 2 or 3 metres away? The time it takes for E to take a step between U and the mouse, I figure the mouse can cover at least 1m and then it's right on top of them practically. All the thinking that E does, the careful aiming. I just don't think they've got time. - "Some ran towards the castle" - I forget where they are. Are they in a courtyard outside? WRS. The people randomly running seems a bit odd, as they don't know where the threat is. (Page 3) - Similar issue with U running the other way: why? - "through the gate" - What gate? Where? How do the people know they're running away from the unspecified danger? This is an out gate, but still in the castle complex? I think maybe there is an issue with terminology. Without me going to check it, if there is a big wall around the courtyard and a castle-type building in the middle, I think the whole within the wall would be referred to as a the castle, and the main 'castle-y' building would be the keep or castle keep. I'd need to check that myself. - This bothered me a bit first time. it seems quite an extreme reaction of panic for a broken hover-cart, this mass panic. They all will look very silly if it's a genuine crashed hover-cart. If the reaction is down to fear of the ML9 then the problem is you haven't set up that heinous threat in the early parts to get this extreme reaction, imo. - Things feel like they're round the wrong way. This guy J gives the warning to fall back, but everyone's already panicked and fallen back before hearing the waring. - "as burned and sooty as R’s was" - do you mean J's? - "They jammed our comms once they realized we’d spotted them" - This feels weak to me. They couldn't get a single warning out? If they ML9 were attacking on outpost I understand that they's jam coms as part of their surprise attack, but if the squad happen on the ML9? I think it's the phrasing 'once they realised'. That implies time between the guards knowing what's going on and the ML9 realising. That's time that a warning could be issued. I think you need to remove that gap. (Page 4) - "projected through all the flying [missing word?] and serving bots in the area" - The flying what? Unclear. - Why are there guest down at the gate beside the crash? Where has U gone? She's just disappeared. - Seems to me U mentioning the ML9 is more likely to create the panic she's trying to avoid . - Why is E still trying to convince them? There is no indication that people are not complying. The pacing feels off to me. I'm not interested in all these faceless people they are speaking to. It's like we're only hearing one side of the conversation. They are background. I don't think this crowd thing deserves the attention it's getting. The conflict is the threat of the ML9 arriving, not a bunch of people milling around. A big part of my issue is that you already had a bunch of people flee into the keep, so why are we still dealing with people outside? - So how does the palace relate to the castle? (Page 5) - "instead of heading to safety" - missing word. - "The metal sleeves were heavy, but its internal mechanisms" - Plural / singularity disagreement. - Too many grammar errors. Giving up LBLs at this point. (Page 6) - "I trying to avoid ruling, not become a dictator" - Huh? (Page 7) - Huh? - I'm a bit lost. So, U arranged the mouse bots, which we only every saw one of, so they did not ever feel like any kind of threat. U was ached by E of arranging an attack by the ML9, but she didn't, is that right? But we've heard almost nothing about the ML9, other than being told how terrible they are, but without knowing why. The ML9 are given their motivations to an external source. So, who is motivating them now? Big unknown. Really, I'm not interested in a succession that nobody wants, or threats by a group of robots that has no motivations of its own, sent to attack by someone who's identify we have no idea of. Bottom line, I don't care about any of this (Page 8) - "The three-foot cylinder" - This is in length, right? - Hit what sucker? There is no sucker, there are two suckers. - The countdown to shooting is redundant. They only reasonably would fire when the target is visible, or, if they can see the target, but it is out of range, then might countdown when it is in range. - "A simultaneous volley of purple energy hit the d-bot square in the head" - What bot?! The first we hear about it is when they hit it?! - Sorry, I'm out at this point. For me, there is too much wrong / lacking with this for me to keep reading. I had some investment in the characters before, but when the action starts, it's all over the place. The ML9 are insubstantial, there's not weight to them, not threat, no foreboding. Also, the chain of events... if I don't care what the outcome is, then why am I reading?

If there's a slot left, I would like to submit on Monday.

Hmm... I could not agree less

Doing this on my phone, which I never usually do so hope it work. -Love the chapter title; very portentous. Also, love the epigraph. It's nice to get a personal one. It's really quite heartfelt and emotional. Well done. My only question, who's account is it? I don't know who's voice I'm hearing. -I don't remember who P and Z are. -How do the manacles work? Remote control? -Suddenness of what? We didn't see the other barrier come down. Suddenness of the manacles dropping off? -"...in front of the A." - The other A?, as she is one too. Or, if she's referring to the whole race not just these two then 'an A'? -typo "through as tall as" -sentence ending "hints." seems to have missing word or some other issue. -"trader's tongue" - Wouldn't she know what language they were speaking? I figure the ears still hear the same thing but the N translates in the head? (Although not in this case.) Also, trader's is singular of course. I thought it might be Traders' Tongue, i.e. a language belonging to all traders. Furthermore, I think it would be capitalised as the name of a language, no? -I like the threat coming from the big Ar. -Right, there is some awesome revealing here about the Accretion, but also I feel a lack of clarity. Are we to take the assumption the the Ac is impersonating Ina, and that Ina is still here with the Sa? If that's not the situation I think it should be!!!! That would be awesome and terrifying at the thought of S being with an insane shapeshifter. I'm not clear if that's what's happening, or if that's what In suspects. -Is biased the right word? Biased in favour of En, but against who? -The meshing is quite chilling. Burrowing, yeuch. -"The last person she became..." - I feel like 'had become' would make this statement more clearly in the past, and therefore make it easier to parse the idea. -"the others as the others" - repetition. Surely, you could say 'they put out the maj lights'. -typo: "He parents had mentioned..." -E gave in to the urge, not 'gave into', surely, since giving in is the action. -"given some other sign of her movement" - but the twitch IS the movement, there is no sign, the movement is its own sign. -"absorbing herself" - just 'absorbing her', surely. 'herself' is awkward and unnecessary. -The bit up to followed the melody, I found somewhat rambling, not all the focused. Things sharpen up nicely when you show En replacing the loose parts of the other Ar with her important components. Much clearer and sharper. -The description of En taking over the other is very well down. So cold and logical, very gruesome, but handled with complete calmness and logic that it seems all the more chilling. The dimension this adds to the story is fantastic, pregnant with such interesting possibilities. Really well conceived this idea. -Possibly even better is the aftermath, where you describe the others picking up the spare pieces. Just terrific. -Then you double down in the whole absorbing thing by having En thinking romantic thoughts about S really great idea, however, here comes the but. She imagines how this will change kissing him. Problem is I have almost no investment in their romantic relationship. It hasn't been well presented or built or developed in any of the stories yet, I don't think. So, I have trouble buying into to now. -The ending clanged for me like a tin shoe hitting another metal thing. The Sat's line is very clunky, really shoehorned in with no logic: the author waving a red "Plot Point" flag. Then it happens again when the Ar drops the other big clangy tin shoe about the Eff. After all the good work of the transformation, the last few paragraphs are disappointing. <R>

Hello all, Apologies that this is so shockingly late, but I got tied up editing my last submission, and also in starting another short for the James White Award. Still, late is late, sorry about that. This short story was submitted back in February 2016 ( ). It's revised , I hope, addressing some of the problems before, so I would very much welcome what you'd like to throw at it. It's a bit long, sorry about that, hopefully within tolerance?! Cheers, Robinski

Yeah, I have the same issues, but have learned to 'press on'. As usual, good, hard proofreading pass required Cool. I think early still would be good. Their argument is strong. The closer to the front the better. I think it feels like a novel opening. It's a short? Yeah, there's no weight to the M/N, and they're not foreshadowed. They feel like crowbar adversary because story needs a villain. Yup. Right, see I didn't remember (I think in the dim and distant this was included in a story on here once) what this was. I presume the story is intended for a wider audience, in which case a blink-and-miss-it hint at the meaning would be needed for many readers, I think, even just including the word 'asexual'?

Bah, behind again, apologies. I'm in the didn't-read-this-first-time-around camp, for what that's worth. (Page 1) - Nice first line, nice image, however the following couple of paragraphs leave me... what? Not sure. Unengaged, I think, in the pursuit of the sister, because I don't know enough about E to know if I care whether they catch up to U or not. - Occasional word choice, grammar, etc., but I'm not doing LBLs, I'll try and switch off my grammar-thalamus. - I like the details about the smell. Clever to use smell as a hook for background world-building. You don't see that too often. - <sigh> I'm going to plant a comma tree in my garden I think I could make money selling them online. (Page 2) - "under cover" - one word. (No, Robinski, no! You promised!!). - I'm just confused halfway down Page 2. I don't know why all these girls are blushing, because I know almost nothing about U. I don't know why she's in danger, and needs protection. I don't know who E is. - She turned to E, excused her (from E), then stormed towards E? There's something missing, I think. - I like the conflict between the sisters. I like that U is so mean. E seems a bit wishy-washy, so far. Don't know who to side with as I don't know anything factual about their relationship. (Page 3) - "pointed at the black skull" - THE DARK MARK!! She's a death-eater!!!! - The sparks between the sisters are great and finally I know what the conflict better them is. I wonder if this can't come further up. Do we need to see E searching for U? If we do, can it fit into half a page? - Falling in the prickly bush made me laugh (not out loud though). - This is something I've noticed in your writing before. You use E's A LOT. Numerous times on the same line sometimes. It feels so clunky. - "Chief Security Officer" - I'm not getting any kind of aura of authority from E. Know dealing with family can rob one of one's confidence / authority / etc., but I just don't feel their ability to command a bunch of hard-nosed security agents, let alone killing a couple of assassins. (By the way: hired assassins, is there another kind? I suppose there is. It just always sounds odd to me, like 'hired' is redundant. (Page 4) - "leaned their head on their aunt’s shoulder, like they were still a little kid" - Still on duty! Their offices are in the room, observing this perhaps? Again, not feeling the authority, the ability to deal with responsibility that such a position must entail. - "Only U, her and E’s parent’s" - 'they'? - Hang on 'abdicated'? That means they were the actual ruler one time. But also, it means that U is the ruler now? I've had nothing to tell me this was about guarding the ruler of the world. I thought maybe U was some kind of celebrity maybe, or a key witness or something. From what I've seen of E so far, they absolutely did the right thing in abdicating. - "cold blue eyes stared at E, looking like if they stared hard enough, they could pierce through the lies" - grammar. I don't know all the theory, but there's something way off about this. Let me just think out loud... 'cold blue eyes stared at E, as if Eld could pierce the lies if she stared hard enough'. I think it's because it's written as if they eyes were staring of their own freewill, not their aunt staring. - "did go well" - didn't go well? - How would E be up there with U? As joint rulers? There's so much that's unclear, imo. (Page 5) - a six-foot statue of the goddess" How? What? She's carrying it? Oh no, wait, the platform is laden. - "a perfect target for a sniper" - The threat feels completely insubstantial, vague and therefore totally non-threatening. There's nothing to explain why anyone wants to assassinate the ruler. For all I know, all these people are slave traders and the common man is in pursuit of a righteous revolt. I don't know what or who I'm supposed to care about or why. - FFLH sounds really cool as a name/organisation, but like the threat to the throne, it has no weight, because there's nothing to set it up - "They’d be part of the ceremony" - How? Not explained. Joint rulers? But from what was said before the implication was that E would have been sole ruler, because U only succeeded when E stepped down. If feel like there's an inconsistency here, but I don't know enough to reach out and point at it. - "Two hundred and fifty other guests" - No sense of atmosphere, of what it sounds and looks like to be there at that moment. - "take up my mother’s mantle" - Huh? What position / office does her mother hold? Or... this doesn't mean motherhood, does it? Unclear. (Page 6) - I'm just all-over-the-place confused at the political / religious / succession / business / guild / company (holding) setup is. Dare I say it, not enough exposition. - "I have more scars than I can count" - I really don't believe this. They've been hesitant, nervous and doubting themselves since the start, it seems to me. - "You did choose a dreadful profession" - Who's speaking? - "all your adventures" - Still not buying it. - "martial arts, blasters, travel, and never ending psychical activity" - Nope. This is the person that thought there was a wall behind them and fell into a bush, and they're Chief Security Officer?! A martial arts expert and veteran of a 'hundred' campaigns? Not convincing. (Page 7) - "distribute food to the peasants" - World-buliding problem. I have no idea what kind of society this is. I've just learned they have peasants. There was talk initial of 'old Earth', as I recall, but I've got no notion of how they got here, what kind of society they live in socially, politically or anything. If we're talking about a space-faring society, I'm presuming this is some kind of future world, which at least used to have technology (I don't know, I'm guessing). They have drones, and tech and stuff, but they also have peasants, really? - "ace or aro" - What are these? - "LB anf GF" - Wait... any do these people have surnames and none of the 'on screen' characters do? Strange and disorienting. - "A service bought" - bot, presumably? - "That would’ve hit you if you missed" - Confused. Why is U thanking them? Would it have hit U? Seems in consistent. - "shouting futile please to get her to turn around" - Not sure what question to ask here. Ah, 'pleas', right? (Page 8) - "There was a notorious group of ancient bots..." - What? This seems very random. not foreshadowed, sprung out of the air from nowhere. But it's the name of the story, so we now that it's going to be what the whole book is about. Maybe it's the phrasing, it just seems like a great big klaxon has gone off. Another thing: Robots are tricky things. Are they A.I.s, or just remote control arms and legs? What degree of autonomy do they have? How do they interact with humans? Are they governed by Asimov's Laws of Robotics? I don't feel the robots in this story are well enough defined before now for my credulity to cope with this exposition about an ancient order of robots which seem to have a dichotomy at the heart of their programming. If they can be directed then clearly their programming can be changed, and yet it's practically unchangeable? - "They’re good people" - But are they peasants, who seemed to be dismissed before? Can peasants be good people? (In U's mind, anyway.) - Seems like a double sentence at the foot of the page. (Page 9) - "In the off chance" - On the off chance. - "the wall rapidly rising around the castle" - presuming that the castle already has a wall. - I like the attack. E felt like the character they were supposed to be, almost, for a little while. (Page 10) - "but didn’t quite touch" - Why don't the edges meet: why isn't the dome complete? Seems weird. Huge structure, but they didn't design it to close? Is this because they've left a gap as a 'door' which is protected by the forcefield? I didn't think that was clear, if that's the case. - Why do the people go in one at a time, are they not in a hurry? - "cutting J’s arm off" - See this? I think it's robbing your shock moment of shock value. By splitting the infinitive, you disperse the two parts of the action, and I think it stands to reason that that will sound less immediate, less powerful and shocking than if you keep them together, as in 'cutting off J's arm'. Second, why did the doors shut? They didn't on the first rumble. (Page 11) - "Running wasn’t an option" - I don't think what they describe (getting reinforcements) is running (away), it's a tactical withdrawal. That's different from blind flight. - I like the idea that the tunnels are open when the wall is up. Although, it's a massive hole in security, because how widely known are the tunnels? A peasant revolt would be all over those tunnels, I would think. - "Protocol Empty Rock" - all this active, resourceful, taking command is much more convincing of the character you describe E to be in the early pages, but which they does not demonstrate until the latter pages. They're much more convincing now. (Page 12) - Good last line, promising imminent action. I like that. Overall I'm sorry, Ssmooth, I'm just not quite feeling this one, yet. For me there were two of three things that did not land and my disbelief kind of snapped like one of those old, dried-out elastic bands, you know, with a kind of apologetic flap. The biggest issues for me were (1) character voice versus supposed nature/job--I did not think they hung together; and (2) the world playing a strong part in the narrative, but the world-building being very sparse, hampering buy-in. Don't mistake me, there are some super spurts of action and some real tension. The spite between the sisters is strong and powerful, I like that; the attack in the function room; E shouting into their comm and getting no response: very tense. In fact, the whole second half is much stronger than the set up in the first, and by the end I start to be convinced of E's character, but it's taken too long and I wonder, if I'd bought this story, if I would have got past the first half before putting it down. I would, because I hate putting things down, but still... Anyway, I'm glad to have read, and totally will read more based on where we have got to. <R>

Thanks, Eagle!

Hey, so I'm working on a story that I'm going to submit to the James White Award 2019. The prize is £200 and publication in Interzone!! Open to non-professional writers. Deadline: 28th June. Rules below: http://www.jameswhiteaward.com/rules

Welcome to the forum, KD It's always really exciting to have new members and read their stuff, so looking forward to your first submission!

And it's barely over the +10% that I think we thought didn't even need a request. Fine with it.

Hello, @JWerner, welcome to Reading Excuses Sounds like an interesting selection of material you've got there. Couple of ways to go about it, I would say, for the novel. You could submit a chapter(?) a week to the weekly submissions process (max 5,000-ish words) and at least see how the opening works for others. Then there's the Alpha Readers thread where people exchange reviews of complete works: maybe a bit early for that one. The key though is to see how things work, as you're doing, and give a critique or two. Looking forward to reading your stuff. p.s. - And of course the pinned guidelines info is the best place to check out the mechanics.

Me too

Errr... I'll run it past @Majestic Fox

If the slots are free, there are now rules. The challenge is on you to keep people reading

Well, as it happens I'm meeting up with MajesticFox tomorrow (who is in Glasgow for a seminar/conference thing) for a coffee, so I suppose I could get him to hold the handset

I know you like a good tag I think I have a tear in my eye. Running a business upstairs. I will clarify that. I will do that! `Thank you so much for reading

Good call. In actual fact, this story is fairly strongly based on true events (). The coffee shop I write in most mornings is indeed inundated with sharply dressed salespeople, en masse, up until 0750 or thereby. I have been in the street when I've heard them through an open first floor window all shouting out something at their daily briefing / team building whatever. I guess I could approach one of them. "Excuse me, I'm using you as a template for a coven of vampires in sex and violence-laden short story I'm writing, could you give me a list of your chants, please?"

I would like to submit again on Monday, please. An updated version of a short I've submitted before.

<punches the air> Yeah, I wonder if it sounds worse than it is. I was talking about the story in my non-virtual reality writers group on Tuesday and trying to describe it (in general terms), but couldn't bring myself to use the word 'horror', because it's really not. I wonder if I might make it less specific, like 'Who know's where these pictures will end up.' I'll mull on that. It's supposed to be a team motivation chant, like on hitting a target. A group psychology sort of thing. I'll work on that. Everyone's calling it out. You've shattered the illusion of a lifetime. Not sure what to do about that bit. Yeah, the whole caffeine thing is clearly the biggest hole. I actually know a lot of that so it's just lazy writing. I'm going to turn it around so that the caffeine is something they use to their benefit, which clearly much, much more sense with them hanging around the coffee shop. The actual caffeine thing is only there on the last page in this first draft to leverage the 'F**k decaf' line. What I forgot was (a) don't introduce new stuff at the end; and (b) think first; write second (or possibly third). Rooibos does indeed taste like butt. Thank you so much for reading, and for these excellent comments. Very helpful indeed

Right, I'll look to tweak the phrasing, try and have it pop out a bit more.

Thank you so much for reading, @Lightbearer. I hope it was not too arduous. I'm glad that foreshadowing worked for you. I had two or three different phrasings of that part, but one was outright telling, and another was too obscure. I guess maybe the balance is about right Confusion in the bathroom: got it. I'll take a careful look at that when I do another edit tomorrow. Thanks again!

Hey @shatteredsmooth, thank you so much for reading. Lol , of course! Should have thought of that, however I'm thinking of retconning the caffeine thing to the effect that it's a benefit, which I think makes more sense. Awesome. Heh, yes. I was nervous about potential reactions. And the jury's not all in yet... I figured that was the only way I would get away with it, although it felt a bit heavy handed. As you say, there seems to be some basic human revenge response that always feels 'somewhat off-colour'. It's not really what the story is about, but I think it's interesting that it's in there. Hee-hee. Mission accomplished I'll think seriously about this. As you've gathered by now (I think everyone picked up on it in some form) this very much was a stream-of-consciousness (yikes, I'm not even going to try and analyse that) sort of thing, so certain element popped up with no particular rhyme or reason. At least that permits a thorough review. At that end of the day, it was blackmail. Would she actually have posted the pictures? I guess we'll never know. I could not be more delighted. Again, thank you so much for reading. Ahem, yes - see above. I feel that there's a way to lead into this better, to show her stress in the workplace more, which I think would be a believable trail into this OTT internal outburst (if that's a thing). Wow! Now that is what I call attention to detail. Top marks! "long, dark afternoon coffee of the soul" - This is a reference to a Catholic thing (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dark_Night_of_the_Soul). I'm not Catholic, but Cl almost certainly is. So, it's an offhand kind of antiestablishment thing, sort of. Oopsee, thanks for that one. Great comments. Really, really helpful. Thank you

Excellent! Yeah, been thinking on that during the day. I realise now how it fits. I need to check the medical aspects, I've got a plan on how to turn that around. Sucked in That's great. Very pleased. I will attend to that. Thanks so much for the comments. Much appreciated. Some good fixes there, and some great encouragement

Comments. (Page 1) - "rising up and exploding outward" - suggest for stress and impact. - I'm enjoying the description of their passage through the N. (Page 2) - I don't quite buy the moment of panic when WW is out and S is 'drowning'. I'd like a bit more panic and punch there. (Page 3) - "This one was still made of stone too." - If S has never been here before, how can this bridge 'still' be made of stone? - "the largest portion of which" - I'd say 'proportion' myself, but maybe I'm being over fussy (No such thing!!). - I don't understand S gasping about being protected. We saw in his POV him notice the shield that WW put up. - I like In's interjection. I like seeing some of that old affability. It's been missing, but this is the ideal time for it to reappear, after a 'trauma' like walking through the N. - House of T - AWESOME!! Another new house, and such a cool one. I am so up for this (Page 4) - "There was a pool of hurt still deep in I" - Word order. This is not impactful enough for me. 'Still there was a pool of deep hurt...' or 'a deep pool of hurt'? I don't know, somehow this feels like the weakest combination of these words. I like the image though. And the hand squeeze, very effective. - "oblivious of to what was passing" - definitely 'oblivious to', imo. - What a cool description of he usefulness or not of seeing time. Nicely done. (Page 5) - Why doesn't S tell In now? Not sure I understood the reason for deferring. - Two nice reveals on this page. No assembly, and the Ari thing. I feel like there's a lot happening in this chapter in a quiet but no less satisfying way. It's a bit like the world is changing in front of me. I like that. (Page 6) - "waved him off" - I'd prefer In's question being waved away, rather than him. Neater, I think. - "like it had been pressed into the ground from by a giant hand above" - 'from'? Never heard it used like that. (Page 7) - I like the feeling of the description of this city, but I don't get near enough actual description. I want more imagery. It sounds like an amazing place, but I want to see that in front of my eyes. More specificity. I mean, I like that you've described one building in detail: the old Dan Wells trick/technique of being very specific about one thing? That might work for a smaller set of things, but for a whole city, I feel like I need more. - "itched to comb it back for him" - I really like the subtle hints at their relationship. I'm still not 100% sure what it is other than close and personal, but I enjoy it in this chapter. I don't feel it's always so well presented/recounted. - "The air here was rich and heady" - You mentioned it being cold when they emerged. This feels somewhat contradictory to that. (Page 8) - "He felt himself shutting down, ready to curl into a ball" - Bah, it's not about you, S; at this point, it's about In. - How do you braid the ground? Confused. Don't know what I'm trying to picture. (Page 9) - I do however like the strong otherness of these creatures, and their odd, differently flavoured dialogue, which you do very well to distinguish and add dimension and flavour to different species. - "Another group of the beings were building a new residence, through though it was all open" - Think it needs 'another' to help it flow from the last paragraph. Also, a typo, I think. - "weighing easily ten times as much as any of them" - Any of whom? S, In and WW? Unclear. - Description of the less populous, lumbering things is rather sparse and repetitive (moved and moving, heads and head, front and back and front. This description had none of the sounds and colour of others. Again, I think the descriptions could work a bit harder, and smarter. - Isn't a symbiotic partnership still two creatures? Otherwise, it's not symbiotic, or a partnership. Also, 'multi-jointed' I would think. (Page 10) - Whoa, whoa, whoa. The big stream of new names feels like an avalanche of info-dump. I'm not going to remember any of these, apart from Ar. I can see how WW might do this in direct response to the question, but I don't feel it works for the reader. Maybe S and In could call this out. 'Well, I'm never going to remember all that!' - "mashed an entire box..."- Lol, great description. - "sing the praised praises of their god"- typo. And LOL. Great description of this species. Just that one comment from WW sets the Luf head and shoulders above the other new species. - "Ah, here we are" - comma. (Page 11) - 'building' is repeated very close together. And then there a third instance, and then there's a fourth. Too much, for me. - The ending is a bit muted, I thought, but it's a clear indication of what's to come, so I'm happy enough with that. OVERALL For me, this was the most enjoyable S chapter I can remember in a while. The hints of his condition were still there, but he had curiosity, he asked interesting questions, his desire for knowledge getting the better of his timidity for once (will not only time, but it feels quite rare still). The subtle notes on the S and In relationship were very nicely done, I thought. There was a bit of a deluge of new information, new species. I was okay with it expect I didn't think there was enough description to separate out five new species. The snakes worked well because WW described them actively, the others were described quite passively in narration and I didn't think the description got across entirely how marvellously different they are. Good chapter though. Good length. Maybe a tad longer to make room for more colourful and engaging description, but introducing five(?) new races at the same time and have them all 'pop' is always going to be a big challenge, I think. <R>