Robinski

stickier than a...

...or did it?

Reading the critiques from others now, it sounds like there is perhaps some more interesting stuff to come, so I’ve gone back to Page 6 to pick up again. Page 7 – I liked the ‘onto her / into her’ line – clever. The latter ‘could be’ deadly I would have thought. Page 7 – If Candace has any self respect she gets up and leaves after the line ‘Your just being here is exactly what I needed today.’ This guy is the corniest thing since the Jolly Green Giant. Page 8 – For me “So,” she breathed, “I guess I’m not sure what you’re after. I’m just on a break, trying to enjoy my coffee.” is the most convincing line of dialogue so far. It’s simple, direct and honest. The guy’s dialogue sounds comical. Page 9 – ‘...intimidating beauty.’ I don’t believe anybody would think of them self in those terms. Page 11 – ‘...dusky-hued woman of mystery…’ – ugh, even Pepe Le Pew has better lines than this guy. Page 15 – I'm not sure how to say this in a kind way, so I’ll go for no holds barred. I think Seth’s dialogue is ludicrous. It’s terribly corny and that makes it unconvincing, but Candace’s reaction to it is the clincher. No woman is going to hear those cheesy lines and take them seriously – she should be rolling on the floor laughing. There’s no sense of irony in the delivery. Page 17 – For me there’s a disconnect here. We’re seventeen pages in and I have no respect for Candace at all. She’s flighty; lacking commitment to her career; no strength of character and very little self-respect in letting herself be taken in by such a shallow approach. Worst of all, she’s a criminal, a thief who could be steeling my money – why should I feel any sympathy towards her? Then, in the space of a page, Candace has shown sensitivity and understanding to two strangers, in a way that feels real and convincing. Page 19 – ‘...gas guzzling monster of steel and chrome...’ I don’t think you need to overdo the description, it delays the point of the car’s impact, and we already know it’s a Cadillac. I'm glad I came back and read on. As usual, Mandamon was there several days before me on the comparison with Harlequin, or Mills & Boon as we have (had?) in the UK. I felt a palpable sense of relief after Seth left and Candace began to interact with other people. Those interactions felt so much more real. For my ten cents, I think you need to re-write Seth completely. Candace seems to be intelligent and streetwise, do you really think it’s credible that she would wall for someone like that? He really does only exist in catalogues. I think if you look at convincing relationships in fiction, most of the male halves are brooding, flawed, possibly repressed. You might say that’s become the stereotype, but I think it’s that way because it works, whereas the perfect all-American hero is boring. Of course, the ultimate test would be to try out that dialogue on real women – I dare you. Now that Seth’s out the way (hopefully), I find myself looking forward to seeing where this goes (hopefully far away from Seth) in Chapter 2.

Welcome to Reading Excuses. I’d like to apologise in advance for my critique. I'm a nice guy, really I am. Please have a salt shaker handy and apply pinches liberally, to taste. [Ed: Also, look out for the sequel.] --------------------------------------------------------- Page 1 – Who or what is Eddie Bauer? Page 1 – I don’t know what ‘futzed’ means. I can get it from the context, but I wouldn’t say it’s a commonly used word – made me stop and go back. Page 2 – ‘...she shook her head, and freed herself from the trap that her mind had laid for her.’ Very elaborate phrase. Ok, I'm terrible for this myself (ask Andyk and Mandamon!), but I'm gradually learning that simple is usually more effective. Page 2 – Why are the customers anxious? Page 2 – How do you ‘brace’ a pleasantry? Page 2 – Must say she has done a terrible job of avoiding his attention, given that she’s a career criminal, by looking at him the whole time from when he came in the door. Perhaps it’s because she’s unable to resist his magnetism. So far, I'm getting a Mills & Boon vibe – which is not my thing. I'm hoping for some conflict or action soon. I can’t say that it’s grabbed my attention. Page 2 – The words ‘dreamy’ and ‘swarthy doom’ (really?) have pretty much switched me off. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be laughing at this point, but I am. Page 3 – LOL, I do like the ‘log cabins’ line – in a good way. Page 3 – Why is she disgusted when she admitted the inevitability of the attraction on Page 1? Self loathing, I suppose. Page 3 – ‘...he was standing close enough to hear her heart thumping wildly in her ears.’ That would be some trick hearing! Page 6 – I'm having trouble believing that a hardened career criminal – wanted by the law – would go into a coffee shop before her last job, for me it stretched credibility to its limit – if she wasn’t wanted, maybe – but not if there are mug-shots of her in the local police station, surely. Page 6 – ‘Looking (into?) them was akin to peering into a cave, and wondering at the treasures that were almost certainly hidden in its mysterious chasms. Thankfully, he raised his coffee and took a sip; breaking his hold on her before she stepped in, and was lost forever. He winced. Even that simple expression was adorable, and she fought down the freakish urge to jump in his lap.’ This is the point at which I stopped reading. What audience are you aiming at here? I get no sense of anything fantastical, supernatural or SF. Which is fine of course, but if that’s the case, then I'm not your audience, sorry. If this is an urban fantasy / SF, then I think you need to signpost that on Page 1 or 2. It’s not that I haven’t read other stuff (Jeffery Archer, Stieg Larsson, Alistair MacLean, Irving Welsh, etc.), but it just doesn’t interest me that much. I did find the (part) chapter well written in terms of your style, although, for me, there was too much of Candace’s thoughts, which slowed things down, and there was maybe a bit too much description of each and every action, which I think can be a bit wearing after a while. Also, putting aside my genre prejudices, I think in any genre the hardened criminal falling head-over-heels in lust and spending page after page drooling after a stereotypical magazine hunk is a miscalculation. Best of luck with your project – I'm sure you’ll get useful crits from others on the forum. Sorry to not be of more help.

Thank you, Silk.

I've missed the boat this week, I'm editing my chapter and it's still not done, not fair to post it on a Wednesday - could I have a slot Monday coming if they aren't 4/5 by Sunday?

Overall, I enjoyed the story (or this part of the whole), but there were some things that frustrated me – which I’ve tried to capture in my detailed comments on your submissions to date. I think others have mentioned scene setting being a bit sparse – I can agree with that, although I did have a rather fuzzy picture in my head throughout. The biggest thing in this part for me was trying to bridge the continuity gap from the previous part, where I felt like I’d missed some good stuff, but I was sometimes struggling to bridge the gap. And I don’t really understand why the Sapphires didn’t stand together – also, what about the plot to kill their chief, and where did Emily go? [Okay, I've read the thread and your liner notes now, and I get what's happened, up to a point. Taking that into account, seems to me Gomer isn't nearly powerful enough, and just disappears from the scene. I'm with Andy on cutting down, but might go further in going back through all four parts and trimming where things don't both world/character build and push the story forward.] I think there’s potential here, I like to read smart and sassy, which is a style I'm comfortable with, but I think there are things that need tightening up. --------------------------------------------------------- Page 1 – Jester speaking to Gomer sounded very maid-and-butler to my ear, also, we haven’t met Gomer before, so not sure exactly what it is, other than some kind of robot/computer? Page 2 – Impossible to defeat? Really? Surely not. And, I'm not sure if we’ve really got a sense that the Sapphires are all that powerful. I can’t think of when we’ve had that shown to us, but we’ve been told – which is the wrong way round, of course. Page 3 – I might have said this before, but there’s a real danger in characters referring to their own humour (or that of other characters), because unless the humour is funny, it will sound completely hollow. Page 3 – I don’t get the reference to John Connor jokes – I know who John Connor is ‘natch, but the reference I don’t get. Page 4 – The posturing at the end of this section sounds like it’s happening in slow motion. I don’t get a sense of tension in this face-off, due to all the joking possibly, and because I don’t really know how dangerous the Sapphire’s are, I don’t get much sense of threat from the Jester, therefore I'm not feeling concern for the Magenta’s safety. Page 5 – Who’s Abri, and where did she come from? Page 5 – ‘The man in motley (???) stood...’ Page 7 – Sounds like something exciting happened with the nanny bots and Isaac et al, but we didn’t get to see it. Page 7 – I see now that Abri is an android, but still don’t know where she came from. I feel like we are missing a section of the story. Everything seems to have skipped on to get to this point from where we were in 003. It’s not that I can’t cope with it, but it feels like going out of the room when a movie’s playing and coming back ten minutes later. You can guess how the characters have got to where they are now, but it feels like you’ve missed an exciting bit and are back at the talking and standing around. Page 8 – I like how you link back to the previous dialogue through Kara hearing the com feed to bring the two strands together. I found that effective. Page 8 – Out of nowhere, Abri seems to have acquired consciousness – to me it felt dropped in out of the blue. This seems to have come from Vabli’s incantation. Did the story foreshadow witchcraft/magic? I don’t remember if it was, but it might be my inability to retain facts. Page 10 – ‘science wizard’ – excellent!! – Although it did bring to mind the ‘science oven’ from American Hustle. Page 12 – Vibali says the same thing three times here. I get that she’s trying to motivate Kara to get moving, but it jarred a bit for me, because the phrases don’t seem to be delivered in that way. Page 13 – Hang on, I'm pretty sure that Emily has the grandfather’s revolver, how did Kara get it? Page 13 – I'm not sure I understand why Kara is struck immobile so suddenly. And why the reference to Emily – where and when did they encounter Emily – where is Emily? Page 14 – There are occasional grammar points throughout, which I don’t normally mention, but this paragraph stopped me. It should sound slick and action-packed, but I found it awkward and baggy. Please excuse the edit, it’s easier to show what I blathering about. He fired one pistol at a time until until emptythe bullets ran out, then fired shot the other, while slamming the first gun down on to auto-load from his belt, reloading it, before and then bringing shooting it up to bear again. He fired one pistol until empty then shot the other, slamming the first down to auto-load from his belt before shooting it again. Page 15 – Grenade launcher made me smile! Not quite sure how it worked though, and why blades get through the Jester shield but he can stop bullets – is it a speed thing? Possible, but how does dust/powder get through? I spent some moment distracted by trying to figure the logic of the force-field. Page 17 – Repetition of ‘...over her shoulder...’ Page 18 – For me, the new section/page each time the point of view changes (seems like) started feeling disjointed in 002 – why not just use a blank space between viewpoints? Page 20 – ‘This is not how I pictured this going.’ – great line I thought. Page 21 – ‘If a stray bullet hit Maria, it was all over.’ Is she so easy to kill? Page 22/23 – It think there’s more excitement, immediacy and surprise in this combat than there was in the confrontation with the Jester, probably because of the banter and posturing, which disappears when the fighting starts. Kara’s loss of a hand works well, the failed attempts waiting for green, using her stump and forgetting to close her eyes. It’s straightforward stuff, but it’s quick and dynamic. ‘Kara grabbed Vibali’s ankle just above the ankle...’ distracted me though. Page 24/25 – And the description of the transfer and then the white room is effective, I think. Kara’s reaction is convincing as the way Vibali reacts to her when now on familiar territory.

I'm sorry to say that I struggled with the story. I felt there were several things that were never explained, not least the Dirge itself, and it left me feeling frustrated. I think the flashback structure would have worked fine if I had been feeling closure with the resolution of my questions, but I didn’t feel as if the story answered any (many) of them. It troubled me enough that I went back and read it again, because I was concerned that it was me. I like the structure, I like the style and there are well sketched characters, but I'm still troubled. I think the best way I can describe it is that you make promises to the reader (in WE parlance) and I'm not sure you keep some of them. Where does the sound come from? How does it kill people? Can only some people hear it? Without explanations of these things, I find it hard to believe in what’s happened in the course of the story. I’ve still got a nagging suspicion that it’s me who is being dense – or maybe it’s the... --------------------------------------------------------- Page 1 – Would the teeth of claustrophobia not settle into him, or around his (something) neck / mind? Page 1 – I wasn’t sure why or how the underground came to be swollen – or what that image is aimed at conveying if it’s not literal. Page 2 – After the first section, I'm certainly full of questions, but I think some of them are me not grasping certain points. The static and the dirge are the same thing, I think? I don’t quite get what the term ‘street’ encompasses – does that mean the literal fabric of the street? The next sentence suggests not, in which case ‘the street’ and ‘the people’ could be seen as the same thing, in which case drawing a distinction between them seems to be problematic. Page 2 – Where did everyone clear out to? I was assuming this was a world-wide apocalypse. Page 3 – I guess ‘folded posture’ meant arms, but the image I had was one of Robin bent double in the doorway. Page 3 - “What about Sun?” she asked. “She’s not responding to treatment. You haven’t told Jean—” There’s quite a bit of information in this sentence and, taken together, it left me floundering a bit. We don’t know Sun or Jean, or the nature of their relationship, and we don’t know what kind of treatment is involved or who is giving the treatment, or why it would fall to Marco to tell Jean. Seems to me that the sentence requires the reader to make a character judgement about Marco going out when he has failed to do this thing, but the reader doesn’t know enough to make the judgement. I accept we learn more in the next sentence. He seems to be a practitioner of some sort, in which case I'm feeling negative towards him on the basis that he seems to be shirking his responsibilities. Page 3 – I'm not sure shiny skin is a good thing, perhaps the shine from her eyes, but you’ve already talked about them. Page 3 – I'm finding myself stopping quite often and fussing over interpretation of some of the phrasing. Another one the snagged me was the use of junkie and compound in the same sentence. When you refer to Robin leading compound life, I presume that means life in an underground compound, and yet reading the word ‘junkie’ made my mind go to chemical compound. Page 4 – Within the space of a page, we have a vow, an oath and Marco as a ‘lifegiver’. I'm happy to assume that he is a medic of some sort, but if he hasn’t taken the Hippocratic Oath (I'm presuming), I guess he isn’t a doctor, which makes me wonder what his vow is – or is it the next statement, that he won’t let a sound prevent him doing his job? I don’t think it’s clear what his job is, or how the sound will prevent him from doing it. The term ‘lifegiver’ is a rather presumptuous synonym for doctor, so I'm guessing it must mean something else – intriguing. Page 7 – Is Choi’s Christian name Sejin? Page 8 – I'm a bit confused. I thought the Dirge caused the destruction – the end of the world – either directly or indirectly, but I'm thinking not now, as the suggestion seems to be its being used as a distress call? I'm struggling with the terms of reference of the story, which is making me frustrated. Page 9 – I still don’t really get what a lifegiver is, as it’s clearly different from a medic. And how is it that Page 10 – LOL, loved the comment about redecorating. Page 11 – So when you say ‘remixes’, is that meant to imply that the ‘PA’ is taking what was a weaponised sound transmission and using it as a distress call as Marco seems to think? Page 13 – ‘smell her smile’ – really? I don’t get it. Maybe I'm trying to read too literally, but that phrase seems perverse for the sake of it. Page 16 – You mention the sound drives people insane, but I thought it killed people, or is that just me reading too literally again? I'm still not clear on whether the dirge has laid the world to waste or whether it was the war, and what connects the dirge to the war.

LOL

Same here, if there's a free place I'd love to submit, but will happily sit out.

I should say straight off that I'm a transport planner, rather than a drainage specialist - so this is somewhat secondhand knowledge/experience. I see what you're getting at, but most water supply systems are driven by gravity, for example with a reserver or water tower being above the catchment that it serves. That said, even if pumps are involved, they would be designed so that the system did not fail catastrophically in the case of a power outage. It's possible that big tower blocks would be supplied by pumping fresh water up to large tanks on the roof (see Towering Inferno!) and letting gravity feed the individuals apartments on demand, that way pumping could be done when electricity is cheap (at night) - as with pump storage hydro-electric schemes. Same for foul sewerage - that stuff generally all goes down slope under gravity - only using pumping from isolated low spots caused by topography or other constraints, or once away from residential areas to transmit sewage to another part of the system where it can fall to an outfall or treatment works. That's my experience in the UK anyway. I guess there are parts of the world that are very flat where the issues are different. Hope this helps!

I really enjoyed this. It’s a pleasure to read something simple (in the best way) with what seemed to me to be a heartfelt message. I had some misgivings early on (see below), but that didn’t hamper my enjoyment. If anything, perhaps the ending lacked a little punch – the idea was good, but I thought his/her (still not entirely sure) asking for classifieds was a bit tame. I see now there is discussion on the title. I think ‘fairies are dicks’ is a great line in the story, I wouldn’t waste it in the title, it adds real punch as an unexpected line. My first thought for the title was ‘Quarters’ – Hawkedup won’t like it as it’s another mention, but that’s another issue. All in all thought, I had fun with this, thank you, looking forward to reading more of your stuff. --------------------------------------------------------- Page 1 – Continuity, Paragraph 3 you mention feeding in the last quarter, then in Paragraph 4 the fairy is placed down next to ‘my quarters’. Page 2 – ‘Caribou-hunting, I guess’ – I don’t understand this line. Page 5 – Gah, I think maybe, as an engineer, I'm going to struggle with this story. ‘...there's always a reason a thing that's basically random shakes out the way it does...’ – I can’t agree, the Oxford Dictionary definition of ‘random’ is ‘Made, done, or happening without method or conscious decision.’ Page 5 – You mention it’s a guy who’s playing pinball, I presume it’s someone else’s ‘panties’ that he’s fishing for then. (I see now I wasn’t alone in this.) Page 6 – I'm a sometime gamer (Diablo, Runes of Magic, Mabinogi, etc. etc.) and I had to Google ‘...grinding for drops...’ Be aware that a lot of your audience won’t know what that means, and it may well stop them in their tracks. Page 6 – I didn’t know what a ‘ren faire’ was – had to Google that. Page 6 – Okay, I'm confused, is the protagonist a female? The line ‘...you'd be doing nothing all day but wearing a corset and looking pretty...’ makes my think so – but the line near the top of Page 4 indicates that he’s a man. Page 9 – ‘There's a _word_ for people who tell immigrants to go back where they came from.’ Fantastic line.

Yeah, I'm hearing you guys. Celantorn = Celaborn, ouch, yes I missed that one. Back to the drawing board.

There’s a lot going on in this chapter, which held my interest, and I enjoyed the sections with Emily, and the one with Kara. The problem I have is that Team Magenta does not convince me, I don’t feel that their mission parameters are fell defined, and they seem to act in an inconsistent way, or at least in a way that doesn’t seem rational to me (maybe it’s me). Since they are at the core of the action (it seems), I think that weakens the story. The other difficulty I had was the telling – there was quite a bit of telling us how chaotic it was, but I didn’t get any real sense of that - it seems a very passive apocalypse. There were a couple of passing descriptions about the signs of a POD crushing someone, and a women being crushed by a skiff, but no sense of the madness that would surround the end of a world (or rather a civilisation). I still think there’s a lot of potential in DMM, but I think it needs another pass. Keen to read more, especially the clash between the Sapphires and Team Magenta - with Emily thrown in there two, which you’ve built up to rather well, I think. --------------------------------------------------------- Page 1 – I really like the idea of holographic cats and holographic food for them, it’s the ultimate Tamagotchi!! Page 3 – I like the slapstick humour in the Magenta’s ‘materialising’ in the basement room, made me smile, but I think chaos is too strong a word to use. Page 4 – The humour about the hair feels more forced. Is Suave a real thing? If so, beware of cultural or commercial references that a significant part of your readership probably wouldn’t get. If it’s a made up in-setting reference, beware in case it takes people out of the story because it distracts them (or maybe it was just me!). Page 5 – ‘...guilty conscience...’ Just guilt, I think. Page 5 – I know it’s probably difficult, given the importance of the dialogue, but it strikes me that they aren’t making much of an effort to be stealthy/quiet, or at least you don’t describe events in those terms. Page 5 – ‘...came to a market.’ sounded a bit plodding to me and took the pace out of the scene, I think their appearance could be more dynamic. Page 5 – ‘...red “V” shaped splat...’ – excellent! Page 6 – It took me a moment to put ‘police ordnance drone’ and ‘pod’ together – perhaps capitalise? Ah, I see that you do use CAPS later on. Page 6 – I don’t get a sense of panic from the description of the market. I think some more brief sensory information would help. Page 7 – For a team on an important extraction mission, they spend an awful long time standing around quipping with each other – especially here. I realise that is the tone of the story, but as per my previous comment, it does take away from the sense of panic / chaos and the urgency that I think should still be there. I'm no expert on comedy (but I know what I like...), but I think an important part of making it work would be to ensure that the jokes don’t detract from the action. Page 8 – The line ‘It wasn't authentic, of course.’ seems just to repeat what we already know, since we’ve just learned that Grandfather Howill built the gun, therefore seems redundant. Page 9 – My sense of excitement rose when we rejoined Emily, who has a gun on Ricard, but then we spend a couple of pages hearing about the history of the gun, which I thought took all the tension out of the situation. Page 12 – I like the whole passage with Emily, I think it’s well handled, has a nice pace and tone. If I had to put my finger on something lacking there I’d say that Ricard’s character isn’t really brought out, so it feels as if Emily is the only one contributing to the situation. Page 12 – ‘Another scenario they hadn't prepared for...’ I didn’t really understand this statement. Page 12 – How do they know it isn’t the machine uprising? I didn’t see where this statement came from. Page 13 – Why does he owe her? I didn’t see that, surely he has repaid any debt by playing his part to date, which by the sound of it she could not have done without him. Page 14 – I think I understand that they would wait 39 minutes before going after Kara so that they can jump away immediately, but won’t it take them most of that to get up to the 87th floor given that the lifts are out? Just me not understanding something probably, but I struggled to make sense of that decision. Page 15 – Just saying that horror and confusion engulfed them is, for me, telling not showing, as I said before, I think we need some sensory input to let us see and hear the madness, telling us it’s mad is ineffective. Page 15 – As a Civil Engineer, I see no reason for water mains bursting spontaneously. It doesn’t happen in our world, how are their water mains different in such as way as this would occur? I realised the percentage of Civil Engineers in your readership maybe small, but framing events in a reality that we understand will make them more plausible, causing the fantastical stuff to have more impact. Page 18 – I don’t understand why they would attempt to save anyone who isn’t within the remit of their mission – they discuss it as if it’s a serious option, but that seems inconsistent with their mission brief. You mentioned Team Magenta going into action, but I get no sense of them having any clear goal other than to waste time until they can go after Kara, but the is hardly going into action. I think there’s a lack of clarity in terms of what they are trying to do.

There's a thread for it, you seen that? Should tell you what you need to know. If you have a complete work, put it up, rule of thumb would be quid pro quo. I'm just starting on Akoebel's 'Shrouds', but I'd be happy to take a look - although I've got a lot on my plate these days, so it might be April!!

Thanks both. Fair point about time take to get to the action/interaction and sapping the urgency from the 'escape' - easily fixed. Andy on Saffen's part, yes, I agree. At the risk of angering JP, I might draw out (pun-tastic!! sorry) the scene where she has the drop on them. I have used a bow a couple of times, but not an 'authentic' weapon, modern version. I'll take your points on that and see what I can do, but give a man some artistic license would ya! ; o ) JP on the bastard sword, there was some explanation of that earlier, and there were previous scenes which were meant to convey her concealing her practice with a sword - then again, you haven't seen her use it yet. Names too Elvish? Yes, probably, both of them. I'll take the note and fix in post. Thanks again!

Another enjoyable chapter, interesting things happening, if not any real ‘action’ as such – a bit of a pursuit, I suppose, but it was more character-driven, albeit that there wasn’t a great deal of character development. But don’t take that as negative criticism. Your characters are so well developed, and interact so well, that it’s a pleasure following them through another 15 pages. Something that’s beginning to stick in my mind is that the voices in Varus’ head seem to have been sidelined somewhat. We’ve had one of two instances of them rising to challenge his self control but, after the run ins with the priest, when it appeared as if that was building, but it now seems to have faded back. Not a major issue, and maybe it’s a matter of timing, and you are lulling us before it flares again. Another related thing is that I'm not sure I really understand what is going on in Varus’ head, and a more directed example might have helped. There’s reference to lots of voices and a single voice, and I can’t remember how the voices are associated with the torc and/or the encounter with the druid. I dare say if I was reading straight through that would be less of an issue, but my memory is bad enough that a chapter a week tends to erode my recollection of certain details, so perhaps not an issue if one (me!) was reading normally. As ever, looking forward to the next chapter – which will be a pleasure in any case I'm sure, but for preference, I’m hoping for some action to change up the pace from the last 2 or 3 chapters. ------------------------------------------- Going to your questions, for me you have the balance right with Varus and Cadmia, but I think you might be right about Murena hurtling down the slope very quickly. That said – I don’t have any problem with that at all. The man has lost a child, been embarrassed in his own home by a rival and then abandoned by his wife in the same night, before being further embarrassed where he works in front of the other senators, thus losing considerable respect. It’s a miracle Murena hasn’t thrown himself into the Tiber. For me, all you might add is [a] one or two short asides to him falling even lower before his apparent resurgence – i.e. maybe hitting the bottle, or a reference or two to him struggling more with his mental state, rather than being either passive or active, but without conflict. Good point from Hawkedup, who I think is right about the soldier opening up thing. To me the unnatural part of it might be a general opening up his emotions to a grunt. I agree with the others that it’s good to have Sophia back, but I have some doubts over how she’ll fit into the house. I'm expecting conflict between her a Cadmia, but the dynamic in the house was nicely pitched before, so I have a slight concern that her presence might unbalance it. ------------------------------------------- Page 1 – I like the first paragraph, which sets the sombre mood in the villa. The only thing that made me pause was my impression that one of Varus’ main duties is to guard Cadmia, but it sounds as if Varus is just hanging around the house for days on end – I guess maybe Cadmia just doesn’t go out much? (I'm obsessing on this now – move on Robin!!) Page 1 – ‘Yet the more time he (Murena, presumably) spent in his silent vigil, the more he (Varus?) came to dread it.’ Page 2 – 'I'm going to find guards.' He wasn't sure why he said it. Some lingering need for an officer's blessing on his work, perhaps. 'Then go,' she snapped. 'Try to be useful.' – For me, this is ‘Fire in the Blood’ at its best, in the crackling dialogue between this pair – excellent! Varus considering Cadmia as analogous to an officer is a superb touch. Page 8 – Something in Varus’ response to Sophia’s ‘offer’ sounded off to me, he seems to react against the idea of bedding her only because of her physical condition (bad enough – if perhaps realistic for him), but what age is she? I realise that Roman values in this area would be quite different from the 21st Century Western World but, as an urchin, I would tend to think of her as a child. I know you use the word ‘teenager’ (jarred a little), but that could of course be 13 to 19 – quite a range. Page 9 – For me, the image of Sepunia springing from an alcove was rather comical. Page 9 – The turd line is good, but ‘peeled off the street made me laugh out loud. Page 10 – I think of Sepunia as a women rather than a lady, and how is it she is lacking sense? Page 14 – Sorry, hate hate hate the word ‘sweetling’, in my head it sounds like sweetmeat, or some cloying epithet that a lecherous old man might use to his prey.

Hey guys, Here is Chapter 6 of Without Honour - I've run through this with a quick edit to try and pick up on some of the excellent comments that you have given me so far, but it is by no means 'fixed' so I'm sure you'll find something to comment on. Observations greatly appreciated. Thank you! Best, R

Excellent, thanks Silk!

I know what you're thinkin'. You're thinkin' did I okay five submissions or only four? Now to tell you the truth, I've forgotten myself in all this excitement. But bein' this is the best, most excellent online writing group in the world, and it'll blow your head clean off with the excellent and helpful comments and crtiques, you've got to ask yourself a question. Do you have a slot for Robinski on Monday? Well, do ya? (okay, took that too far, sorry)

I really enjoyed this chapter. I feel that the Silluka chapters are much tighter and raise fewer question (and potential inconsistencies) than the Ichu chapters. There is excellent interplay between Silluka and all the inhabitants of the research centre that we have seen so far, not just conflicts, as with Hufi, but challenges, friendship, discomfort, growing respect. There is a lot going on here that I am very keen to see develop. I really like the sense of the mundane in Silluka’s chores and her interaction with Hufi and Papaki, and the way you contrast it with the intellectual pursuits that she has with Quilqi. I think this and the mystery of the scroll, is what makes Silluka’s sections so strong. I think there is clear potential in Ichu’s sections. There is a significant conflict in the food shortage, but I don’t feel the balance is right in terms of how that part is going, no doubt because of my confusion, as per my questions on Chapter 4. I note that you talk about being unsure how to bring the strands together, but that is the joy of writing is it not? The fact that they are both limited in their abilities is an excellent device and might well in itself bring them together, but with the fascinating contract that she has never been able to realise a chayu, whereas he is losing the ability. I think it’s great stuff and I am keen to read more, and to see the characters develop and the conflicts expand as the wider world/society comes into view, as I presume it will/must. Looking a JP's comment about motivations, I have no trouble accepting that Hufi is cruel, he obviously has a chip on his shoulder about Silluka being brought into the centre, I expect that we will learn what his problem is in due course. At the risk of spoilering my own enjoyment of the story, I begin to wonder if perhaps he has or had a child that was deformed in some way, and who died, was killed or killed themself, which would make his extreme bitterness entirely understandable, without justifying it. As to Quilqi, again, I don't mind having these early chapters to conjecture over what her true motives are. It seems as if she is using Silluka as a lab rat, but clearly that situation is going to develop. She appears to treat the girl with a scientific detachment, but perhaps there is an emotional position underlying that, or perhaps there will come a point when something challenges Quilqi's ethical position. Enquiring minds must know, keep writing please!! -------------------------------- Page 4 – Bit of maid-and-butler dialogue here, I felt, from Quilqi in saying ‘It was given us by Awilu Wanuy and Awila Kawsay’ etc. Page 4 – Notwithstanding the above, which is just a line or two, I really enjoyed the exchange between Silluka and Quilqi. It is an intriguing problem and one clearly fascinates both of them (Silluka growing into it more now). This seems to be leading to them seeing past their differences. Also, the reason for Quilqi choosing Silluka stats to become clear. Page 5 – Slate door design problem, which I mentioned earlier. Page 6 – I felt that ‘Having to translate it from dry text always left blank areas where the translator had to guess’ was Silluka’s thought, but could it be? How much translation has she done before? Page 7 – Sorry, engineering brain ticking over. If the closets are twice the height of a person, does that mean the corridors and rooms are too? That would be logical, as it would be awkward and rather pointless to limit ceiling heights within the rest of the building to achieve massive closet heights. Is there a second storey? If there is, potentially the closets would breach the second (first) floor level, creating dead space. In short, if the closets, corridors and rooms are not all the same height, there is going to be a lot of wasted space somewhere. Unless there are ceiling voids for heating, air conditioning, fire fighting plant, etc. but, despite the name of the building being ‘research centre’ which sounds modern, I don’t sense that is what we are dealing with. Page 8 – Repetition of the phrase ‘The ladder was none too stable.’ from Page 7. Page 8 – ‘I own owe Hufi back for...’ ? On one level, I like the relative brevity of the chapters, on the other hand they leave my wanting more to read, so that would seem to be working fine!

Thanks Hawkedup, much appreciated - I take your point about the submissions - just remember you said that if we get to Christmas and you're reading the blinking thing! (Allowing for gaps to give others a chance). All good points, thank you. Take your point about the lead in at the start, and also the senses, good one, I needed someone to tell me that. On the names, I'm certainly aiming for some consistency in the place names, the target being Scandanavian / North European. To use the example, I thought Peers-havan, or possibly Pers-havan, subject to dialect, seemed relatively straightforward. Easy for me to say, I suppose. I've certainly come across names in fiction that I've struggled with myself. My trick is to read over a name quickly the first time I see it, possibly pick it up wrong, then proceed under my misapprehension for the rest of the book. The alternative, I suppose, is to stop and take care to get it right first time, but that then stops the flow. Good point - I'll mull on that. As far as character names, there is a mix of methods. I have tried to use Scandanavian roots for the Svar names, but then tweak some of them. Others, I have just made up, you're right. The Brekians all have at least one 'k' in theirs, and there are other (later) that are tweaked from real names (Leonard > Lionard), in a GRRM sort of way. Take your point about 'Command it,' - it's gone, and glad I got a smile out of you on Page 14! Yes, maid-and-butler is a heinous crime - I've pulled others up for it here - at the risk of going all classical, hoist by my own petard (ouch). I'll add that to my "deadly sins" list.

Apologies that I'm only commenting on this and previous chapters now, still working on my NaNo catch up, and almost there! I enjoyed the chapter, I do like your writing style, it’s pleasing to read, but I felt that the chapter left me with a lot more questions than I had before, as per the comments below. Like others, I did enjoy Liku’s storytelling in particular. -------------------------------- Page 1 – I know you like your epigraphs, having read Seeds of Dissolution, and I appreciate that here, they are painting a picture of the pantheon and beliefs that lie at the heart of the story, and the original of the chayus themselves, no doubt, but I‘m finding them a bit flowery Page 1 – ‘While walking, he kept warm,’ seems the wrong way round – ‘Walking kept him warm...’? Page 1 – Several loaves of bread sounded to me like a huge amount. Page 3 – I found the sentence “I haven’t had to perform Wind From Behind to keep up with my crowd, but I can’t complain.” a little hard to follow. I presume Puka means being able to deal requests and orders from the crowd in his inn. Also, Wind from Behind made me smirk, sorry, double entendre. Page 4 – ‘lake Yuraq’ – Lake Yurak, thought the first one was a typo. Page 4 – Why must they all agree to challenge the council? Page 5 – ‘Chirisuyu library’ – By my reckoning, when something is named it gets a capital letter, as in ‘Chirisuyu Library’. Page 5 – The way that the farmers discuss summoning a god felt a bit too matter-of-fact to me. Considering how long it has been since it has been done, it would seem to be something that would almost have passed into myth, and yet... Page 6 – ‘no inhabitant of Chirisuyu would be surprised to see a god or goddess striding into town’ – I found that hard to believe. Page 6 - ...and I'm still reaching here. If ‘...Chayus existed to call the eight gods...’, and people in the Capitol are completely obsessed with chayus to the extent that no-one reads books anymore, would they have been able to disassociate the chayus from their original purpose, when what they are using chayus for is to draw power from the gods? You tell is at the end of the first paragraph that belief in such (i.e. the particular summoning) chayus has dwindled. I guess I can accept that, but perhaps better if the distinction between the attitude to chayus here and in the Capitol was stressed earlier. Page 6 – The reaction of the young farmhand seems to contradict the statement about no-one in Chirisuyu being surprised to see a god, is that because he lives out on a farm? Also, I think I'm becoming a bit disoriented, Chirisuyu is the furthest city from the Capitol (I think), but Liku has taken the scroll from the research library in the Capitol? Does this mean he sits on the council that rules all the Huaca? If that’s the case, does that mean he run’s Chirisuyu, and is their representative to the council? I'm unclear about where Liku sits in the scheme of things. Page 8 – The description of the historical summoning was very good, but I expected to see the god, as described in the earlier passages referring to ‘striding into town’. If that was apocryphal, then what these significant chayus do is produce a larger effect than the common ones, but they are no more the summoning of an actual god than the smaller ‘everyday’ ones are, surely? Page 9 – The line ‘Tomorrow would be a long day.’ seems to imply that they are going to go ahead, since it’s associated with the description of the chayu, but there doesn’t appear to have been any debate. Surely, Liku will need to canvas a lot more people and they would need to learn the chayu first before performing it for real.

You need to be signed up to Reading Excuses, in which case pieces for a given week are emailed on a Monday. Message Silk for more info or check out the pinned welcome thread : o )

Good chapter. I enjoyed learning more about the chayus from someone who can cast them, as opposed to Silluka in the first chapters who can’t, but the chapter was more than that, of course. I enjoyed the introduction to Ichu, who clearly has a past, but to whom we are introduced in a gentle way. I found the description of Ichu’s travails very effective, and I am looking forward to seeing more of the world through his eyes. In fact, I was a bit disappointed that the chapter was so short, it hardly seemed to get going when it was over, and I was a bit surprised that we did not see the rest of Ichu’s trip into town, and some of his interactions there – hopefully that is to come. Looking at the other comments, yes, I agree!! Andy hit it on the head, and happy to big him up for it. It feels like a half a chapter Detailed points below – I didn’t flag all the typos, there were a couple more. -------------------------------- Page 1 (Phrase repetition) ‘...the dirt off his fingers, wincing as the cold bit into the joints of his fingers...’ Ichu considers his age, but I'm not entirely clear what that is. If Silluka’s thoughts in earlier chapters revealed at what age people stop, then I'm afraid I’ve forgotten, but judging by the pain in his fingers (arthritis?), he may be 50-ish? Page 4 Thirty-three?? Ouch, those chayus take their toll!! Page 5 (typo, presumably) ‘...stacked higher than his heads.’ What’s a suyu? I presume it’s a community of some sort, as the term seems to relate to Chirisuyu, but I'm not sure what scale we are talking about. I will learn this when Ichu gets there, I suppose.