Robinski

I don't think it's fair to ask you guys to read what could turn out to be 30 chapters one week apart, when I'm possibly taking slots away from other people. For a given novel, you would probably read at a different, more natural, pace. So, I reckon that after eight chapters the biggest issues will be out there (I think they are already), so I'll finish the novel with the excellent comments I've had to date (thanks again!), then put 'Without Honour' in the Alpha Reader arena, where anyone interested can read it at that more natural pace.

I enjoyed this story. It made me ask questions about the wider world, some of which were answered (or hinted at), but left me with a desire to know more, which must be a good thing. I thought you handled the magic well, giving enough description to make it believable, but not too much, which would have derailed the story and dispelled the sense of mystery and, well, magic! I liked the moral dilemma angle at the start and, as noted, found that the first paragraph in particular really grabbed my attention, I found it very powerful. The ending too was very effective but, for me, something happened in the middle that caused the power and tension to slip away. I'm not sure I can quite put my finger on it. I think it was perhaps that things seemed a bit too comfortable in the hut. It’s only a short scene, and has its place of course, but it seemed to kill the momentum. The later scenes have their own power for different reasons to the opening ones. I like the exchange with Veha, I think because from what we see of the republic, while there are signs that their methods are cruel and that the people are now down-trodden, it is not presented as a crackpot dictatorship, and it’s possible to believe that Veha thinks he is acting from good motives. All in all well written, although the tone and the language / dialogue are a little staid and formal in places, but I did enjoy it and would like to read more of your writing. -------------------------------- Reading the other comments, I would differ with one or two. I didn’t think the ending was bleak, because I took it that Jorani had passed on the magical song to the smuggler’s daughter, with the implication that this would convert her into a warrior against the republic. I agree with JP, the first thing that I got from the title was ‘The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford’, not least because of the subject matter. Then I segued on to those long rambling Fall Out Boy song titles. Since I'm a big FOB fan, I liked the title, I have no problem with someone trying to take a poke at convention in that way. -------------------------------- Page 1 – Wow, what a first paragraph, superb, has me gripped instantly, laden with action, but gives the reader an outline of the situation, through some assumption certainly, but without any exposition. Page 1 – I'm not sure about Jorani’s tongue ‘stumbling’, to me implies the presence of legs. Page 1 – The comment about her not caring jarred a little for me, because it seemed from her emotional reaction to the act of destruction that she cares a great deal. I suppose then that it is that she has no care about herself being lauded, but I'm not sure that’s immediately clear. ‘...and raises rises into a crouch.’ Page 2 – ‘Her shoulders shake but she does not think of them.’ Think of what, her shoulders? Why would she? Page 10 – I think she would 'atone' for Veha’s sins rather than 'amending' them. Page 10 – ‘...he shows it not.’ This is a very archaic phrase, it sounded out of place to me. Page 10 – The last scene and the line ‘No more sorcerers.’ are very powerful. Page 11 – I can see what you’re going for in the last line, but I think it would actually have more impact if Jorani finished the word ‘nothing’. Then, you are ending on the word ‘nothing’, which to me is more powerful, and less gimmicky, and it would just hang there, leaving more for the reader to think about than an unfinished thought.

Thank you Jaga, great comments from a different perspective, very helpful. I will certainly take those into account. I'm glad you find the magic effective. I take your point about the silent heartbeats. I will be going back to look at the consistency of the magic throughout, as I feel it's a bit vague, definitely not in the Sanderson vein or being very specific about how the system works, complete with rules and regulations. I'm not saying that I'm going to impose that degree of order, but I'd like to have a set of parameters behind the system, while still presenting it in a more 'organic' way. Also, I'm now accustomed to the fact that I have become Public POV Criminal No.1, and that I have a considerable debt to society to repay. It may take several years, but I'll do the time!

Hey, no problem, happy to take comments regardless of the when and the where - thank you. I'm half way through your story - comments today or tomorrow : o )

Thanks guys, I'll swing the axe in the edit. In view of the comments received on 1 to 5, I'm doing an interim edit on 6, 7 and 8. It won't be all that you want it to be I'm afraid, in terms of the big ticket items, but I'm just trying to make it a bit more bareable - then I'll leave you alone, I promise. The next chapter sees a meeting of ways of some of your 'favourite' characters, and there are really only two viewpoints, sort of... and it's got lots of Saffen, which I hope is a good thing.

Thank you, JP, astute comments as usual, you've got to the heart of a couple of ongoing issues there, deeper than many. Believe in your reader is an excellent maxim, and I can see that I'm not doing that for some threads whereas as am for others. I will write those words in blood on window above my laptop, not my blood of course... I take your point about technological inconsistency, but this always troubles me a bit. Why does it have to be consistent with the train of tech development on earth? There could be a couple of pieces missing somewhere that would change the pattern of certain technologies emerging at certain times, or in certain areas. Fair point about the laces, I'll fix that. Thank you again.

There was a fair bit that I enjoyed in this submission, but I had some issues with these chapters / sections too. Maybe it’s just me (I shall read the other comments after posting), but I found it difficult to follow what was going on in the Emily and Jester sections. I'm sorry, but Jester especially felt to me like an explosion in a MacGuffin* factory. There are so many strands, the interrelationship of the Sapphires, their background and origins, what is possible, what is happening in the world, the aurora, the green scrolls, the Howill sisters, the Professor, the Void, and I don’t feel that any of it is really explained, just referenced, linked to other things that haven’t been explained before moving on. I think it is all confusing and I'm not sure I care about any of it, hence = MacGuffins3. (* Tell me I don’t need to reference that – if anyone doesn’t know go stand in the corner and Wiki it.) I think there is a highly entertaining story going on, but I think the Jester, and to a lesser extent Emily, sections need some polishing / explanation. After that, coming to the Jamie section was a relief, and I enjoyed the simple interplay between those characters, and the instant sense of tension / conflict because of knowing what Team Magenta are going into. Although, we haven’t really seen a demonstration of the Sapphires’ powers, just their nature – but I'm presuming they are bad-chull and there are major fisticuffs coming up – bring it on! --------------------------------------------------------- Page 1 – Whoa, whoa, whoa – that’s a doozie to start with – ‘when crime still existed...’ You’ve put that in as a throwaway line, but that is a hugely significant thing, and I don’t see how it is possible. The human condition is such that there will always be rules, and where there are rules and society, there will be people who are going to break them, so how can you say that there is no more crime? I find that very hard to believe. Page 2 – I struggled with the order of events here. Ricard is standing right next to Emily, but she goes through all these various tangential thought processes before she even acknowledges him, and then talks to him. That seemed to me a very dysfunctional way to respond to a person’s presence. Also, if he is shy / timid, I find it hard to accept that he would stand so close to her. The whole point of their little group was because they had to think that the impossible was possible. Page 3 – By this point I'm struggling to keep up, there seem to be a lot of references dropped in that aren’t explained, but are skipped over without any real consideration before we are onto the next new reference or idea. For example; - There is no crime – massive social implications, - Daydreaming, this doesn’t seem relevant to anything, and tends to make Emily look a bit dumb, - Dr. Shayne – enough to start me thinking about him before we skip on without knowing his role, - Emily’s sister and social classes – no explanation of another significant issue for story’s setting, - We’ve gone from daydreaming to the love of her life – the jump seems very sudden and rather trivial because of the brevity with which it is treated, - Now she’s leaving a place that has changed her life, but we don’t really know how or why Page 4-6 – I appreciate that she needs to move fast, but we don’t really know why. It feels like an absence of foreshadowing, so when the reason appears on Page 6 it doesn’t have the impact that I think it should. Nothing in the story so far has hinted at what the role of machines in society is so, for me, the revelation felt empty, and we skip away from it without any exploration, which seemed dismissive. Page 7 – Busted! If there’s no crime, why isn’t Emily’s revolver legal? Also, it’s the revolver that’s illegal not the case, surely. Notwithstanding my concerns up to this point, there is a good conflict at the end when Ricard seems to double cross Emily and she gets the drop on him, I liked the way you did that. The ending of the section stands out for me because it is pretty well foreshadowed and creates an effective conflict, whereas some of the other stuff felt like telling-not-showing. Page 8 – The tone here confuses me, the first paragraph reads like broad comedy, like some dialogue from ‘Death’ in early Terry Pratchett (Mort, etc.) or lines from ‘Death’ in Bill & Ted. I'm presuming that’s not the tone you were going for, was it? I’m losing all sense of The Historian being and powerful and terrifying presence. Page 8 – I think there is a risk in cracking jokes in fiction, in that people’s funny bones tend to be in very difference places, and the danger is that a significant proportion of the audience might not be amused. In this vein, I think there are many ways to ‘fool’ without being one and the punch line made me grimace. Page 8 – Something threw me about the tea drinking. Does The Historian know it’s spiked? He seems to by the fact that he’s cringing, and he’s drinking it like whiskey. To me, cringing implies that he doesn’t enjoy it, so why is he drinking it? I'm not sure what we’re supposed to take from this passage, or what it tells us about The Historian. Page 9 – I'm not sure that anyone is arguing against living brains atrophying – just look at Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s, etc. Page 9 – if the Sapphires in question are lying about extra-terrestrials, why would they be insane? Would they not be considered insane by Jester’s definition only if they believed that extra-terrestrials existed and therefore thought they were telling the truth? Page 10 – I found Jester’s ruminations on extra-terrestrials confusing. On the previous page, he considers his disbelief that any Sapphire has possessed an ETI, because he’s never been to a non-human world, but he goes on to accept that such worlds exist, and that it is possible to reach them from the void. He seems to contradict himself. Page 11 – Who are the Saints? A couple of words would probably be enough to give the reader some kind of understanding. Page 12 – What are the green scrolls? This may have been mentioned earlier, but I’ll be honest, I’ve forgotten. Page 12 – What is the significance of the Howill sisters? Without knowing that I'm not sure how to make sense of the Jester’s comment that they exist despite him, but then later he thinks about his reliance on Kara. Page 13 – I thought the Jester had come through the aurora, but he must have already been here, and this is a different aurora? His plans all seem to depend on the Sixth Sapphire trying and failing to possess Kara, but then completely dismisses the idea of a Sixth Sapphire. Page 14 – If the insult is obvious, why does the Historian have to try to discern it? And if the Sapphire has no choice in his host, why is the statement an insult to the Historian? Alternatively, if the Historian is sensitive about his previous host being a sewer worker, does that not mean he understands the insult, and therefore doesn’t need to discern it? Page 17 – Why is a poodled pink skirt exceptional? Page 18 – I like the humour when it’s knowing, but less so when it is overt and sounds rather forced. So, for my taste, ‘...my mother-in-law's aunt, etc.’ wasn’t funny, whereas ‘...it wasn't a conspiracy if everyone didn't lean in and whisper loudly.’ made me laugh out loud. Page 18 – I don’t know who the Merk is, and I don’t understand how or why he has his hands full with Kara, so those statements knock me out of the story wondering about something that isn’t given a context. Page 18 – The end of this section is certainly impactful, although not difficult to see coming given that the Queen wants to have a secret pow-wow before the Professor arrives. What I don’t think the reader would understand is why they want to kill the professor. Page 22 – Hmm, we’ve had a reference to machines taking over, and now we’ve got a reference to Skynet – that’s somewhat straight out of Terminator, am I missing something? Page 22 – Jamie makes a serious point. Does Vibali’s downing of shots combined with her wearing of the hijab mean that she is a lapsed Muslim, or that Islam has changed fundamentally? Or is her hijab just a fashion decision? Page 23 – I like the ending of the chapter, because it’s not all that often that the reader gets to be ahead of the protagonist. I'm looking forward to the trajectory of the brown stuff intersecting the speeding impellor in the next chapter.

Another good chapter, it held my interest even though events themselves did not move forward a great deal, (which was fine). I felt as if Cadmia might have been a bit more awed at being in the ‘presence’ of Janus, she’s certainly got some nerve, that’s what makes her such a good character. I liked the way that she took charge with Nurya and, in a much more subtle way, with her father. I appreciate that Murena is ‘under the cosh’ so to speak, but he does seem to have become rather toothless very quickly for a man who has lead a campaign to Gaul. Perhaps I'm overreacting. I’ll be interested to see how he takes this most recent set back. I had no problem with the absence of Varus in this chapter. For me, Cadmia is probably the more interesting character at this point (at least until his ‘powers’ manifest). The contrast between them is significant and effective. I also like that fact that there is no suggestion of romantic tension between them, which could be a factor with male and female characters playing off one another as they do. It would be some people’s first thought, and could be a major distraction, but it just doesn’t come into my thinking at all, which is good. When I make this comment, it’s from the perspective of being force-fed Clichéd Standard Hollywood Blockbuster Plot A1, unlikely mismatched couple thrown together by circumstances fall for each other against all odds in between things exploding. (Please note that I am not averse to the odd bit of hypocrisy from time to time, watch that space...) Looking forward to the next chapter. ------------------------------------------- Page 1 – Sepunia talking that way seems very forward for a slave. I realise that she has a higher status in that household, but still, it jarred a bit with me. Page 1 – The phrase ‘...she had never been very soothing.’ didn’t sound right to me, I think it comes over in a passive sense, i.e. her presence isn’t soothing, rather than an active sense, i.e. she isn’t very good a soothing people. I'm sure there’s a better way than this clumsy effort to explain what I mean! Page 2 – The phrase ‘It was annoying that elegance and practicality didn’t go hand in hand’ bothered me for three reasons, (1) her reaction seems overly dramatic. I suppose it is in character for Cadmia, but really, dear, just put your hair up. (2) Because I disagree – viz Audrey Hepburn, the very definition of elegance, almost always appearing with her hair up, Grace Kelly too, although to a lesser extent (on the hair up). And (3) historically, would most Roman women not have worn their hair up as a matter of course? Perhaps not in the house, I suppose. I'm certainly no expert, but that’s just what I picture. Okay, enough obsessing over this detail! Page 6 – I found the description of what was happening with the chain a bit difficult to picture. Page 6 – I think I have probably just forgotten this from a previous chapter, but who are the Cadmiae? Page 8 – I was a bit confused by the pact thing. I wasn’t sure if Janus gained any actual power from the exchanged, our just the benefit of his status being reinforced by the sacrifice, and with that in mind, what is his price for the second pact / piece of information, or was that included as a freebie, which somehow seems uncharacteristically generous. Page 9 – There goes Sepunia again, indignation at her master, really? Page 9 – I couldn’t help thinking that Murena was a bit naive thinking that the triumph would breeze through when Dama is clearly set against him after their initial exchanges and Dama’s angry reaction, then taking his sister out of the house. I would have thought that his opposition was to be expected. Page 9/10 – Couple of typos in Murena’s last speech, also, I wanted to hear more from him about the impact of the vote. He certainly seems knocked sideways, and I thought he was opening up to Cadmia, but then it’s the end of the chapter.

Sorry for delay, attached is Chapter 5. I have edited this a bit, but I'll apologise now that there are certain things that you've called me on already that are still there. I know I need to reorder things to make them snappier, and the Vekalik section needs work. There are some other things you've kind commented on already which I'll get in the edit. Thanks for bearing with me, as I've promised before, I'll only post another three chapters. I've put the maps in again for those who might not have seen them in the first post, although there are only a couple of references to places in this chapter, I think. Thanks for your patience, and your comments. Best, R

Wow, looking forward to reading them trying to extract Kara! I think you're right to show them going through a standard extraction before a more meaningful and significant one, and I expect it will be more effective to see Kara in subjugation and understand what Magenta are up against before they go in. I think our first encounter with Magenta, as it is the opening of the story, could be a bit more exciting. I guess what I was trying to get at before was that I didn't get a sense that they were in any great peril.

(So, comments on Jester now, sorry for the disconnect, I thought I was finished!) It's right at the end of the first Jaime section "Where are you? Jaime wondered, staring down the alleyway, seeing all dimensions at once." Having now read the remainder, I must say i enjoyed the Jester section more then Jaime. For me it came across with a superhero/villain kind of feel, not least perhaps because of the names (the Jester made me think of the Comedian in Watchmen for some reason). Vastly more powerful beings than those round them keeping out of sight as momentous events move towards an earthshattering conclusion. The Jester's plotting sets up an interesting conflict that I look forward to developing, and I tihnk this is at the heart of why I found this section more interesting. Hopefully Team Magenta will be developed with some interesting traits and conflicts too. I look forward to reading more!

(Edit: He, he - these are just my comments on Jamie, more to come!!) In general, I enjoyed this, and would like to read more. For me it has quite light hearted tone, almost cartoonish. The Sapphires sound a bit like comic book villains, laughing maniacally as they reek destruction, and killing children first, which seems to have no logic other than to make them seem unspeakably evil. I feel that the fight should have more of an impact. I found the description of it rather bland. The group take down shamblers one after another in an endless stream – it sounds like a slaughter – but there’s no tension. I found the movie references a bit strange. You might get away with one, but there are at least two or three, which as they cropped up again, threw me out of the story, it was a bit too ‘meta’ for me, as was the reference to science fiction. Having reader the others’ comments now, I see I wasn’t the only one. I had no problem following the time line before they could jump back, but I think it would be better to reveal the reason why they can’t jump back (weakness?), earlier, to indicate what’s at stake. Detailed comments below. --------------------------------------------------------- Page 5 ‘...but we've heard of the Sapphires tearing up entire dimensions for less’ sounds like maid-and-butler dialogue that the reader is only hearing so that they get the information. If they have all heard of this then there is no need for Vibali to say it. I don’t see a reason given for why Jamie is frustrated, as there’s no suggestion that they encounter any guards or any people at all until they get to the common room. I don’t see how either of them knows how many people there are until they reach the room. Page 6 I'm not sure the sticky on the door makes sense. It may make the hinge unbreakable, but a battering ram would still be capable of breaking the door apart, surely. At the foot of the page, why is it unsafe for them to transfer back? To me the lack of any explanation undermines the notion. Page 7 There seems to be a missing word. ‘...the lesser monsters from (?????) would be showing up soon.’ If the lesser monsters always turn up, why would Viabli say that is was almost anti-climactic, given that she must know the monsters are coming. Page 9 Every time a shambler is shot you use the term ‘take down’, it gets repetitive very quickly, and as a description of a beat being eliminated, isn’t very graphic or exciting. I'm not quite sure what to feel when the reference to host bodies come in at the foot of the page, as I didn’t find it all that clear as to what was going on. Are you saying that the shamblers’ bodies belonged to humans? Here now, at the foot of the page, is a reference to the reason why they can’t jump back until 43 minutes have passed, but I think it would have more impact if we understood this up front. Page 10 How can Jamie see all dimensions at once? Surely, in some of them, there would be people in the alley. Would they look like shadows if they are not in his current dimension? One way or another, would that not be a huge distraction?

Hi Neongrey with an 'e'!

I'll sit out this Monday, it's cool - maybe I could submit next?

Whoa, sorry Mandamon, was thrown by the talk about car crashes and totally overlooked your comments!! Thanks for those. Points taken about pacing and confusion on road, also about 'the general'. Perils of not polishing before posting here but, after swithering about whether to go down this excellent and constructive road that is Reading Excuses without doing my usual of finishing, re-reading, editing, editing, editing then considering showing a piece to another human being (takes about 2 years), I am just so into Without Honour that I've probably been a but over-eager, so thank you for persevering. A 'surprising, yet inevitable', hurray! Feels like I've won an award. I'm glad that worked for you. LOL, yes I'll fix that, bit fast and loose there, sorry. On the POV's yes, I'm clearly going to have to address that. It's all very well to think that, if you were reading it as a single piece, it would (hopefully) be easier to follow than in the episodic form in RE, conversely, you guys are writers, and if I'm losing you in one way or another, there will be a lot more readers who would have jacked it in before now. That and the level of 'action' will be the biggest fix in Edit #1, but hopefully you can bear with me for another four chapters and the promised 'climax' of what I think of as the unofficial Part 1. Fewer viewpoints (from recollection). I'm interested in the notion of 'something happening'. Clearly things are happening, but it comes back to the fact of passivity, which Hawkedup mentioned too, and my troublesome habit of describing some action in 'flashback' - what is that about? I pledge to tackle that issue as I go forward into Chapter 18, but as promised before, I won't subject you to any more than Chapter 8. Many thanks again for the comments.

Yikes! Trust you're okay, and that your concentration is the only thing that was thrown. I have tried to do something different with the style of the writing in the Chapter 8 'set piece' (hope I'm not building it up too much) - all of my WH posts are first draft no tidying, straight out of NaNo, which is why I'm so pleased with the comments, but apologies to all if the lack of polish is making you all work harder! Didn't realise you were in Englandshire too, Mandamon. It's been a bit blowy and wet up here in Glasgow, but feel for you folks in the south. Deeply ironic that there will probably be droughts in the summer. Someone needs to do some long-term planning, someone other than the Env. Agency! As a civil engineer I'm frustrated on your behalf.

If there's a slot for me on Monday, I'll put another chapter up, but happy to sit out as it looks like there's a bit more activity this week :-)

Thank you guys. Good comments as ever. Hawkedup, I can totally recognise your comments in my writing, and particularly in this chapter. It's something I'm prone to and I'm not sure why, but must work on. I can almost convince myself it's because I like the contrast in tone, and think it increases the impact of the action, but if it doesn't work for the reader then it's broken. I'll look at that in the edit. Andy, I sense your frustration! It's all very well me trying to be mysterious, but not at the expense of holding the reader's interest. At the point I'm at now (Chp. 17), I'm feeling the nagging pull of going back and editing because I know the balance of plot signposts is wrong, and you've confirmed it. The 'general' thing is untidy, accepted. It's really just a label that Marnar uses, but the more it's used without relief, the more it sticks when it shouldn't. As thing go forward, that label drops away. I think I'll water it way down. Finally, bringing parts of both of your comments together, Marnar's viewpoint on the escape is told in the next chapter, in what is I suppose a kind of flashback, thus taking a fair bit of the immediacy out of it, I suppose. I was trying to place it as a puzzle in Chapter 4' with the answer in Chp.5, but for the reasons discussed, I think it may be a fail. Once again, I really appreciate you guys' comments. I've got a lot to think about come editing time. I think maybe I'll put a few more chapters up and then go 'lick my wounds' and finish the first draft. There's what I think of as the best set piece in the first part in Chapter 8, so if you guys are willing to stick it out till then, I won't burden you any further! (PS - Andy, we getting any more Fire in the Blood? I'm missing it these past couple of weeks : o )

Phew, thank you for those no-holds-barred comments, very valuable. I plead guilty on the numbers in the field, those are no the first set, but I bow to superior knowledge. I didn't research in great detail, dangers of utting up a first draft. I'm thinking of tech level a bit further on from 1000AD, maybe 1200s, but I take all your points and will fix those number in the edit. On Saffen, I hope it's clear that there are other things wrong with the relationship, and it's not about him going to far, although she uses that as a lever in the argument. On the honour thing, sorry, guilty again. I will tone that down. It's very much not a comment on my perception of the reader, but a sometime lack of confidence in my ability to be subtle.

Hi All, Here is Chapter 4 - for those reading up to this point, I promised some action, I hope there is enough here. I like to think that this moves things on a bit anyway, makes it clearer what is going on in terms of part of the pitcure anyway. I know there is still a bit of Passive Voice going on here, I haven't gone through an edited for earlier comments, so you're still getting what is the raw first draft of the story - apologies for that!! All comments very gratefully received and appreciated. Cheers, Robinski

Detailed comments below, but in general I toiled a bit with this chapter. It is a very standard situation. Mysterious men come into a bar, act mysteriously. Soldiers raid the place and they disappear. Also, considering that Tarrito killed a man in a public place for even the merest chance that the trail he had left might be followed to the plotters, now he’s trusting a man who has done absolutely nothing to deserve it, almost on a whim. I don’t think that’s consistent behaviour. To try and summarise, I just felt that this chapter lacked the spark of the first two chapters, the tension when Tarrito killed his contact in such a dangerous way, and then (to a lesser extent) the mystery of Liaf searching in the dark then pursuing the unknown interloper. Also, having now read Mandamon's comments, I agree about the coins flying through the air, although I suppose if they were obvioulsy gold that might raise suspicision. Lastly, I got no sense that it was Galen who stole the book. How were we supposed to spot that? If there was a clue, I don't think it was clear enough. Page 1 Why would Tarrito lean on his daggers in such a blatant way? Surely, he would realise how much attention that would draw. The phrase ‘reverse rain’ is rather un-poetic (anti-poetic?). Page 2 ‘said the nervous joke’ sounds awkward. To me you tell or deliver a joke, or possibly speak it. Page 3 If I were Tarrito I really don’t think I would put my trust in a man who is at first blasé then uncertain about joining in, he sounds like the sort who would bolt at the first sign of trouble. Then Tarrito says that he doesn’t know if he can trust Heston, after saying all that he wants is someone he can trust. Something seems out of step in this conversation. Page 8 It seems to me that they have already failed to avoid raising suspicion, Tarrito by leaning on his daggers and sitting in the darkest corner of the inn, and Galen by making an entrance that attracted everyone’s attention, dressing in black and standing with the door opening before joining the other mysterious stranger in the darkest corner of the bar. Page 9 ‘lost it’ – Lost what? I don’t think a modern expression fits in fantasy narrative, not this one anyway, it’s too imprecise. What has he lost, his temper, his patience? Page 10 Westrich is referred to as commander, then seems to be referred to as sergeant. Also, his question is rather comical Page 11 ‘Sneering’ sounds rather pantomime villain. I'm not convinced by Heston toying with the coins in his pocket, knowing how dangerous they are surely it’s the last thing he would do. It felt a bit contrived to me.

I enjoyed these first chapters, I think there’s an interesting story here, and you reveal just enough about the special powers that are prevalent to make me want to read on, and I will do, but I had a significant issue with the dialogue which in several places, for me, sounds very unnatural. There are long tracts of conversation that, in the ‘real world’ of human interaction would be much shorter and less wordy, probably with some of the ideas remaining in the mind of the speakers. I appreciate that this might make the conversation longer, but I think that is the reality of conveying that amount of information verbally. Detailed comments below, written as I read. Apologies for the grammar points, but there were a couple that broke the flow as I was reading. ---------------------------------------------------------- Chapter 1 - Page 1 I like the first paragraph, it captured my attention, nice flow to it, and first page flows from that, extending the idea, so far so good. ‘A lowly...’ fooled me, I thought there was a word missing. I don’t mind the name, but its first appearance tripped me up at first for that reason. Page 2 ‘...making it a trivial matter for me...’ I think. I'm having a bit of trouble with the ‘tail’ being unnoticeable after his mark has cut down an alley. Is he not the only other person there, and would that not make him noticeable purely because of his presence, regardless of how anonymous he looks? Page 4 There reference to burning aether sounds rather like burning metals in Mistborn, and why would you burn aether when it is air, would that not break it down, leaving nothing to manipulate? There’s a fair bit of word repetition in the last few lines, which is quite distracting, several ‘do’s and ‘don’ts’ and then two instances of ‘aether’ used close together. Page 5 I don’t find the conversation between the two criminals very convincing. They converse in very melodramatic language. It’s like listening to a stage play, so when words like ‘ugly mug’ (Page 6) come along, they sound out of place. Also, the supplier (or the thief) of the aether sounds incredibly naive. Not impossible of course, but I think it makes the encounter less convincing. It wouldn’t take much addition for the buyer to reveal to the thief that some ‘heavies’ that the thief had hired to watch his back during the exchange had been done away with, so he needn’t expect them to burst in a save him, for example. Page 7 Vanity and pride sound similar, so I presume you mean Baritone has pride in his abilities, rather than being vain about his hair. Cleverer rather than ‘more clever’, I think. Chapter 2 - Page 9/10 The discussion between Eril and the protagonist is very ‘maid-and-butler’, i.e. it feels like the discussion is only taking place so the reader can hear these facts. It sounds like they’re reading from a guide book or historical text, a rather blatant info dump, to my ear anyway. The above point dominates this conversation, but once past it, I rather like the interplay between them. ‘Like I said, I came here because I need information. Knowing everything is your job.’ is nice line. Another dialogue problem, linked to previous comments. Eril’s speech about Rolondo took 75 seconds to read. People just don’t speak like that. It’s like a lecture. Their closeness and the tactile nature of the encounter make it feel quite sensuous, but the dialog is completely out of step with that. In summary, there are things that I enjoyed here, but I feel that the dialog needs a bit of an overhaul. I'm keen to read more though, to see how things develop. I like the anonymity of the main character, which is intriguing, and Eril has a sassy tone about her which I also like.

I know this is rather last minute, but I see no-one's up. I wouldn't mind submitting Chapter 4 of Without Honour tomorrow - unless there's an even more last minute rush.

I enjoyed this chapter, things are coming together nicely and it drew me in more than the first, which I though could have provided a bit more detail on the background and location. That almost doesn’t matter anymore, as the details of the Research Centre and the people in it have fully occupied my attention now. At the back of my mind however, I'm not sure where I am. I don’t think it would take a lot to drop in a sentence here and there that provided a bit more flesh to the surroundings. ----------------------------------- Page 1 The comment about crumpling cooking spices seemed self evident if the room smelled spicy. Further to my comment on Chapter 1, I'm struggling with the situation that absolutely no-one under the age of XX reads anything. It might be because explanation about the Chayus is a bit lacking, so I don’t see how they can substitute for reading in some situations. How does one transmit scientific or religious ideas if nobody reads? Page 3 ‘Unfurled’ made me think of a flag – perhaps ‘unrolled’? In Chapter 1, at first I thought Huaca was the city, then I thought country, however you then spoken about Silluka not becoming a citizen of the Huaca, although she was talked about as being an inhabitant of the Huaca. At the end of Chapter 1, however, you talked about Chayus being held by the Huaca, but I'm not sure how a country can hold Chayus. Here you talk about the Huaca being consolidated from separate Suyus. This puts a dent in my understanding of Huaca, but also I don’t know what a Suyu is. Maybe Silluka doesn’t know either, in which case fair enough, but if she does, I think the reader should get at least a hint. A clear definition of Huaca early on would help too. Page 6 I see now that the scroll is rather huge, not unlike a flag. Maybe ‘unfurled’ was a fair word, but I didn’t get an impression of the scroll’s considerable size before. This is good stuff here. I'm very interested to learn about the practice of the magic. Following a novice through the stages of learning magic is a well worn fantasy trope, but so far, I think you’re handling it well (with the proviso of the comments that I make above). I think part of the reason that I'm going with the story despite the familiar path is that Silluka is a likeable character. She’s in a bad place, been dealt bad cards, etc., but she doesn’t act downtrodden, despite her disadvantage(s) and she has ceased the opportunity, which I think shows resilience. I found myself flipping back to get a reminder of what the Ampuka was, but that’s probably only because it was a few days between reading Ch.1 and Ch.2. Page 7 I'm having a bit of a problem with the slate doors. Slate is much heavier than wood, so the hinges required to make a slate door operate would be massive, and the support needed from the wall would be substantial. Not to mention the work required to produce a piece of slate to form the door. I think slate doors would be far more expensive that wooden ones, so their presence in the servants’ quarters seems incongruous. Arrgghh! I was engrossed in Sullika’s attempts to decode the scroll and now she’s been called away by Hufi. The task that Sullika has been set obviously has drawn me in completely. Hufi’s use of the contraction ‘ain’t’ seems completely out of place when he has used the phrase ‘I had a long think about your situation...’ not to mention other words that point to a more sophisticated vocabulary.

Some good comments by the others, I'm with AndyK on the setting descriptions (lack of). I did not think of HP at all. -------------------------------- I enjoyed prayer(?) or poem at the start, thought provoking. It struck me that it might have resonated more for me if the two parts of the last line were transposed. I didn't understand the phrase 'as if it failed that privilege' in the context of the sentence it's used in. I'm curious as to why no one who can still bodycast would act to progress society, that seems a very extreme side effect of this form of magic, almost as if people are so addicted to its practice that the normal spread of behaviour in a normal society is suppressed. I don't see why Silluka has never tried to complete certain Chayus without leaving a gap, why wouldn't she complete one to understand the limits of her ability? I suppose perhaps it could be that she's afraid to know the answer, but you don't play that up in that moment when she has the thought. I now see that this is brought out once she has failed, but I think it might add more tension to the test if we knew the reason beforehand. Interesting chapter, well written and easy to read, although there were a few minor grammar issues that I was tempted to mention, but restrained myself as they would be easily polished out in an edit.