Robinski

My comments on reading the chapter are below, but some observations on the other feedback. Firstly, I'm not sure I agree entirely about the adjective comment - I'm a big adjective guy, I accept you can have too much of a good thing, but it can be a style choice. E.g., '...small brown turds.' I think that sounds much better than 'small turds' because of the cadence you get at the end of the sentence from those three monosyllabic words in sequence. Also, am I the only one who remembers the conversation between Prince and Rose where she took his hands and pointed out the love lines? As I commented then, I think it was unclear whether she was coming on to him, whether she was saying she was the second love of his life, I thought not, which made her behaviour then confusing to me and to him!! I also agree that her (apparent) decision to run off with the journalists into the arms of these dangerously 'insane' locust chaps seems rather bizarre. I just don't see what she has to gain, some old manticore paw that may or may not exists? Maybe if the frustration of her fruitless searching over all those months had been played up (by examining her thoughts), it would feel more logical for her to reach out to that distant hope, no matter what the risk. But even at that, I'm not entirely convinced by Rose's pursuit of the manticore in the first place, although she does set out her reasons again in this chapter. I think that needs reinforcement at other points in the preceding chapters. ------------------ Rose certainly does have a talent for driving people away, but it’s not entirely surprising that Maxi left, she certainly didn’t treat him particularly well in terms of how she spoke to him, at least that’s what I took from some of their interaction. She actually has a very curt manner a lot of the time, and doesn’t really endear herself to people. I think I'm as puzzled as Prince by Rose’s reaction when measuring against her (apparently) coming on to him a bit before, I must have misread that signal too, although I think I expressed some doubts in my comments on that chapter. I am curious about Milton’s philanthropy, maybe it’s just my cynicism, but he seems a bit too avuncular to be true sometimes. Using ‘the madam’ sounds clumsy, I don’t think it matters what name you use, the context of the sentence is probably good enough to convey that it’s a madam that he’s referring to. Also, I don’t quite understand ‘this one’s on me’ – sounds like he’s the lover-boy in the scenario – he isn’t is he?!! If in fact he’s only saying that he’ll pay, that seems redundant, as he’s the one who has called off the transaction and can probably presume he has to pay in that situation. The exchange in which he says he’s been thinking about nothing in particular seems completely redundant. I'm not really convinced by the sudden vault face in their relationship. He leaves her in the desert after a huge bust up. He comes to her in the cabin and tries to demonstrate the strength of his feelings and she reacts violently, they part again. Then it’s all put behind them with a couple of words exchanged. They are surely sweeping their true feelings under the carpet, why, for the sake of cordiality? I found that hard to believe. There’s still a lot of good writing in these chapters, I'm just not entirely convinced by some of the behaviour. I'm not sure if you’ve had a chance to look back at the comments I’ve left on the earlier chapters in the last week or so. Sorry I'm just catching up now, but hopefully there’s something useful in there. I'm still keen to read on, whether weekly or in the Alpha thread.

This is a good chapter for my part, but the river scene bothered me, and I think needs some reworking as I don’t’ think it’s convincing for the reasons below. Some very nice style points, but I think it needs to convey to the reader how hard Rose has been searching in the expanse of time that passes. Apologies if I'm repeating certain points, I always write my comments before reading the others. Reviewing them now sounds like I'm pretty much in agreement with Andyk and Mandamon. ------------------------------ I really like ‘It threads the maze of trees with the certainty of instinct...’ great line. Okay, so this is the first real confirmation that the manticore exists. I'm a bit put off by the reference to the appointed hour – are we to assume that it is sentient? Appointed hour for what? fate? act of God? It’s interesting to see Rose react so something with some feeling, in this case the preacher but more so Maxi’s reaction to him. I think when winter comes, you could do with some reference to them having spent long days hunting the manticore without success. I also think (hobbyhorse time!) that Rose would be pretty emotional in some way or other (frustration, , having spent all this time in the hills and being continually frustrated by her abject failure to even see the manticore. Unless, or course, the manticore quest is a ruse and Rose is using it as an excuse to hide away from society. Anyway, without some reference to how much she has been searching and lack of success, it sounds as if they’ve been sitting around and just decided to go out that day back to Jimmer’s spot. ‘...some secret written in the long and low calligraphy of the mountains whose shapes smoothly folded over one another...’ what a beautiful passage, I just wish you would direct that eloquence on Rose’s thoughts and emotions more often. Be careful about the description of the water and its rate of flow. If it’s chest high I will not take much of a current to knock them off their feet, not much at all. If the water is indeed coursing, as I would picture that, there is no way they could stay on their feet if it’s up to their chest. There again you use the word ‘swiftly’. I’d be thinking about toning that down, it doesn’t sound as exciting, but it’s more realistic. I don’t buy the river scene – the river’s flows seems to change quickly in force and then back again to suit the circumstances of the outcome. If Rose and Maxi can wade across chest high, the horse is going to that much higher up then them, unless it’s a small horse, which I didn’t get from earlier descriptions. Notwithstanding what I’ve said already about the flow, it has to be easier for the horse to get across than it is for the humans. Phew, that’s a pretty emotive end to the chapter, strong stuff. Given what Maxi was doing in the Gogo a-Go-Go, the accusation is very harsh and unfair, but I can see why you would raise this now to create a threat. Milton’s role seems unclear, he appears to be taking some relish in relaying the news, he doesn’t sound concerned. Are we to treat him as an antagonist now? It’s not clear, we must read on!

I'd like to submit the prologue of my Nano project on the 20th if there's a slot - it's stalled a bit and I need some of that RE motivating factor!! It's only 1,400 words.

Hey, I'm certainly a fan of the Alpha readers forum - although I'm almost caught up with the chapter submissions. Also, at the risk of jumping ahead (but I couldn't help noticing the 'insane' quote), as of the end of Chapter 8, I really don't get a sense of Rose being insane at all - maybe that's waiting for me in 9 and 10! But if it's opinions your looking for, I don't mind the episodic nature of weekly submissions.

A few comments below, but really not as many, for some reason I didn’t feel the need to bang on about not hearing Rose’s thoughts. I think it was because there was not a great deal for her to react to in these chapters. Still, it feels like there is progress. She has quickly formed a bond with Maxi, they have established and base and the hunt is on. Harking back to my earlier comments though, I would like to hear her thinking about Prince and their fall out. Does she hanker after his company and wish the exchange had gone differently? Still not sure what’s going on in that big old melon of hers. I wonder if I'm starting to accept that. Because I don’t understand the significance of the search for the manticore (not being privy to her thoughts), I see the various interactions, with Prince, with the journalists, with the authorities, as better opportunities for interesting conflicts, but these are set aside in favour of the manticore hunt, which feels increasingly like a MacGuffin. If that is the case, I hope we see Prince and/or the other characters back soon. Also, it strikes me now that Prince is almost the only person to have shown any significant emotion so far – if my memory serves (which it doesn’t always). ---------------- The hotel clerk can give an answer. His not knowing Prince’s whereabouts is still an answer. (Sorry to be pedantic). ‘Milton winked an eye at her’ – is an example of where you sometimes include wording that is redundant. What else would he wink but an eye? I think cutting out surplus words will help things flow better, although it doesn’t happen all that often. I still find the flow and pace comfortable. ‘...like a residue of time ill-spent.’ – what an excellent phrase. I'm a bit nonplussed by Rose’s sudden offer to Maxi. The reader isn’t party to the thought process that goes into this decision, so it feels very sudden and unconsidered, perhaps rash. Nice line to end the section, but I'm a bit troubled by your treatment of the policemen, if that’s what they were. I realise that you need them to behave that way for the scene, but their actions and reactions just seemed rather stereotyped – here are some creepy guys here to create a conflict. I was thrown to read that, after the time passing at a fairly steady pace for pretty much the whole time, all of a sudden weeks had passed. Fair enough, I suppose, but I struggle to accept that there was no time to teach the boy to read and write over that time, because they were doing nothing but fixing up the house. I think it would be more reasonable for the two to happen in parallel. Also, I find it hard to believe that they wouldn’t spend some time searching for the manticore – how can Rose resist the urge not to in all that time? How are they surviving for weeks in the desert, what are they doing for food and water. I'm not saying we need the mechanics of hunting and gathering etc., but just a mention, especially in relation to water, which even if gathered in the various receptacles in garden, would soon dry up, surely. (Okay, I see now there’s a nearby creek, and I had forgotten Rose had the crossbow.) I love the bit where Maxi says there’s no question for smell, and Rose’s response. I don’t go along with the questionnaire being out of place, I think it’s a nice way to remind us this is not a historical piece, but that it is a setting that is post high technology. I also think there is a nice touch of humour in the questionnaire recurring now and again. A distance of ten / twelve yards is much closer than Jimmer’s first description sounds like, and the manticore’s behaviour is much more timid than I had expected. At that sort of distance, I'm wondering if it wasn’t more likely to attack him rather than flee.

My comments on these chapters are noted below, but I’ve kind of skipped ahead by reading Andy’s comments on Chp.7 and 8, and your response. Can I take it that you think it’s unsophisticated to include your characters’ thoughts? Only if you do it in an unsophisticated way, you can leave hints, or just a couple of reactions here and there, even describe what their features are doing to imply (but not explicitly state) what their thoughts are. It can be in the tone of their voice, a sound made in the throat or a gesture, twitch of the lips. Without a trail of emotional breadcrumbs to follow through the story, it is difficult to invest in the characters and root for them. What do I care if Rose finds the manticore, I don’t know why she’s looking for it or how it will change her life. Contrast this with the fact that I really care how Rose feels about Prince’s anger when she showed something of her feelings towards him. Did he completely miss the point, reacting angrily to her use of palmistry, overlooking the apparent message in what she was saying, or was that a ruse used by him to avoid facing the fact that she likes him? She must have these thoughts surely. She’s a young girl, inexperienced in romantic relationships, and seemed to show some real vulnerability in that exchange, but the emotional fallout is hidden from us. I think we need to see how his rebuffing of Rose sharing her feelings and his consequent departure affect her morale. Also, I have to disagree with Mandamon about the questionnaire. I think it reveals something about Rose’s character, showing an earnest and organised side. It provides what is almost light relief in its different tone (or voice), and yet it shows her planning systematically towards her goal, in the same way as her mapping and sketching. I think it’s entirely consistent and not out of context at all. Suddenly I realise that I'm not sure what age Rose. You mentioned her being disowned at age 16, and I think that stuck in my head, and I suspect I may have been thinking of her as younger than she actually is. What is the age difference between her and Prince? I think it would be worth clarifying her age by mentioning (or just suggesting) in the introduction how long ago she was disowned. -------------------- Chapter 5 It sounds like Rose has two baskets and two sacks, one in each hand. I go back to an earlier comment that I made about the source of Rose’s funds. How much money does she have, where does it come from? Sounds like she bought a lot of stuff, how much cash does she have left? I had difficulty with ‘What seems to be the trouble?’ – It’s a cliché when spoken in response to a police officer’s enquiry. "I'm fine," she said. "You get the permits?" – Sorry, my old hobby-horse, there is no outward trace of emotion in Rose, and we don’t know her thoughts, so it’s as if she has calmly accepted the indignity of the guard’s attentions. We don’t know if she is satisfied at having taken revenge; worried about repercussions or fuming mad, although this last is slightly implied by Prince’s question. ‘It is Is it just me...’ in the last line of the section. Where did Prince get all that money from, he told us that he was financially challenged earlier, did he not? Also, there is no way they could get to the stage of having the horses all saddled and ready to go before Mercedes thinks to question the fact, and I don’t see that Rose would just presume she could take the horses, she doesn’t seem so presumptuous, but then I don’t know that because I know very little about what she thinks and feels. Refer to my earlier comments about the lack of discussion between Rose and Prince about his coming along, and planning of the trip, etc. Also, what will Rose do now that she has used the tranquiliser on Bobby? Also, if the tranquiliser was strong enough to handle a manticore, what effect would it have on a human boy? There was no mention of this. I don’t think ‘surpassed’ is the right word here. Possibly just ‘followed’ – ‘circumnavigated’ is way too grand. What are the ‘shadowlands’ and what is a ‘windgap’. ‘Windgap’ I'm guessing is a narrow cleft in rock, wide enough for them to ride through, which the window would blow through a make a suitably eerie sound, possibly a feature formed by the wind? You’ve got a real thing with ‘one-eyed’ individuals – Prince and his monocle; the stallholder with the eye patch; and now this fellow missing a lens from his glasses. I'm now starting to wonder if there is some kind of conspiracy I should be watching for. There’s a real disconnect when you go from ‘Rose began to talk to them.’ straight to the man’s reply. I think the first part is unnatural and redundant, better just to have Rose say something. The man gives a reply to a specific question, that’s clear from what he says, why can’t we just hear that question? I'm still enjoying the writing, notwithstanding my comments. There is a good example of why right here. Rather than just having Rose ask who saw the manticore, you have the other goatherd interject. I think that’s quite subtle. It implies that, for all their closeness in working together, and spending long tracts of time together, there are certain things that (apparently) one at least, doesn’t share with the other one. The reader can start to imagine what that is. Is he having an affair with Barbara? Anyway, something doesn’t feel right here. The goatherd knew that Barbara had said she had seen the manticore, but not that he knew where the place was, but he lets them talk about going to Barbara, which is miles away, rather than just saying to begin with, ‘I know someone who says they saw the manticore right around here.’ Then, based on the fact that he has not himself seen the tracks before now (because he only says that he knows someone who had seen it,) he is able to take Rose straight to the right place. Also, it seems to me very ungentlemanly of Prince to say he will stay behind and leave Rose alone with some guy they don’t know. It seems to me that he would do it, but better if she asked him. At last, a little bit of insight into Rose’s thoughts a she considers how she might proceed, but WHY IS SHE DOING IT? Prince has just popped the bubble of her enthusiasm by giving his assessment of the tracks as being made by a cougar, but there is no reaction from Rose, no facially expression or reveal of her thoughts. Surely, she would be angry, frustrated, melancholy, disbelieving, upset, but we don’t see any of that, it feels to me like being locked out of a major (possibly the most important) aspect of the story. Arrrggghhh. ‘Rose put that out of her mind...’ Rose puts everything out of her mind! Or that’s what it feels like anyway. I have trouble thinking of Rose as frail given what she’s been through, and her reaction to the policeman’s unwanted attentions. Chapter 6 Ha ha, I like the questionnaire, very good, unexpected and original. I really like the phrase ‘War on Texas’. Did you use it because of the similarly with ‘War on Terror’, or is that just a happy coincidence? (rhetorical question) Another frustrating passage for me here, Rose asks the question of Prince about another War on Texas, but instead of it being the start of an interesting conversation which reveals things about both their characters, and perhaps something about how they look at the other, it immediately fizzles into nothing. The centre of any story is the people in it and their relationships with one other (which will contain the conflicts and their accords). Even if we do know something of the very basic reason for Rose and Prince being together, we don’t know what their feelings are, or how they might have changed since they met. Having read five and a half chapters, I'm now pretty sure that this will continue throughout the story as a picturesque account of the mechanics of Rose’s search for the manticore. It’s not enough for most readers, and therefore not enough for publishers (I would imagine). What do you want in the stories that you read? I'm looking for passion, conflict, fear, doubt, failure, bravery, inner turmoil, guilt, love, sacrifice, etc. I'm not getting these from your story. I'm fine with the pace, I'm enjoying the style, but I want more from the characters, certainly the main ones. Hurray! At long last some emotional ‘delivery’, but because there has been no build-up to this point, no foreshadowing if you will, it feels very sudden. It’s well handled, don’t get me wrong, your description of Rose’s realisation nicely conveys the emotion that you’re revealing, it’s just that we’ve gone from nothing for five chapters, to her suddenly falling for him. I thought that was a really well handled scene. Prince’s rebuttal of Rose’s 'advance' (I'm not quite sure what it was, as she seemed to introduce friendship and refute romance as the basis for it) is rooted in the background to the story, both his (being that of his family) and hers (and her days in prison with his aunt). That is a real conflict but, ultimately, we don’t know what Rose’s reaction to his outburst is. She apologises, but her words could be spoken in anger or in sadness, we don’t know, then she stays awake for a long time, but what is she feeling? Good dream ‘sequence’ and great punchy ending to the chapter – unexpected (for my part at least).

Detailed comments below, but similar overview as before. I'm still enjoying the setting, the style and the characters, but remain frustrated that we don’t know how the characters feel about each other or the events that take place. I agree with Two McMillion about the lack of conflict. I think to some degree it goes back to my point about the invisibility of Rose’s motivation and her thoughts. If we knew how she felt about things, I think we would see some of the conflict that must be going on between her ears, for example doubts about the hillfolk (at least until they make peace with her); possible emotional conflict in terms of whatever feelings she may (or may not) have about Prince; negative thoughts about the locals who tried to stone her or the ranger. ----------------- Chapter 3 Again, I find the use of multiple ‘and’s in a sentence distracting. It seems rather too convenient that someone saw the attack on Rose. I find myself questioning how likely that would be in what, according the impression I’ve taken anyway, is a sparsely populated area with roads and trails being quiet. For me, adding redundant adverbs makes the prose disjointed. It’s obvious that Prince and the black woman are silent (up until Prince speaks) – no need to say so unless to describe that it’s drawn out, which it doesn’t seem to be. The reader has no basis for knowing that the black woman’s name is Mercedes. She needs to be introduced. (As she then is at the end of the passage.) ‘Suspicious of’ isn’t right, if Rose is acting suspiciously, she is the object of the suspicion, not its subject. Prince might say ‘Suspicious in what way?’ It sounds like all the men in the settlement are sharpening axes. I think a couple more activities would sound more realistic. ‘freak show’ seems a bit harsh. I’ve never shot a crossbow, but I’ve shot a (modern) long bow – as a complete novice. For someone who has never fired a bow before (I think that’s what I'm to take from the exchange with Prince), I find it hard to believe she could make a shot like that on the second go – with no instruction – how does she know to hold her breath? Also, I'm not sure why she gets so uptight about having an audience of kids – what’s it to her (or them) if she misses the rock 20 times? Why does Prince stay with Rose in the hillfolk village? I mean I can see the reasons, but this is an example of what I’ve said about earlier chapters, there’s little to no discussion or explanation of personal choices. I would expect there to be some kind of exchange better them. E.g. [Rose] ‘You don’t have to stay, Prince, they seem to have accepted me, I’ll be fine. I'm sure you have other things to do.’ [Prince] ‘No, Rose, it wouldn’t feel right to leave you. My aunt would never forgive me. Anyway, I'm between jobs at the moment.’ Which actually begs another question, what does Prince do, given that he seems to be able to run around after Rose all the time? I realise that he may be sacrificing other things because he actually likes her, and wants to be around her, but we don’t know that. This leads me to also observe that we’re in Chapter 3 and we haven’t had another viewpoint yet, although the chapters are very short. ‘...in her condition’ is redundant as you mention Rose’s injured neck at the start of the sentence. ‘goatmeat’ is two words, surely. Manticore appears as capitalised and as ‘manticore’, there’s a lack of consistency there. Either it’s the Manticore, or a manticore, I think. If Rose has be learning hillfolk recipes, wouldn’t she know what the vegetables were rather than them being unidentified? It’s frustrating when you throw in something like ‘Prince spat on the ground. It was something Rose had never seen him do before.’ Then just breeze on past it without any explanation. Rose should be puzzled, perhaps even challenge him about it, she knows him pretty well by now. ‘Fleeing the evils of civilization. You know, freedom and family and all...’ It sounds like he is quoting these as the evils of civilisation ironically, but I don’t think this makes sense. Freedom and family is exactly what the hillfolk have, surely, so they are not fleeing them at all, are they? I'm not sure it matters where he is being ironic or not, the statement does not seem to make sense, unless I’ve misunderstood the dynamic of the hillfolk settlement and society. Back to my old gripe, I don’t know what Rose feels about anything. How does she feel about Prince, about the hillfolk? There is very little to go on. She a Prince were sitting together at the end of the chapter, ruminating on life and their (her) situation, and ideal opportunity for her to consider how she feels about these things and what’s going on. I strikes me know that what we actually have is a story that has almost no character viewpoint at all, as if the reader is watching events on a CCTV camera. Chapter 4 Ah ha, a different viewpoint, and straight away we are hearing the man’s thoughts in a way that we don’t seem to with Rose. Is this the same old man from the train that Rose met? I'm not sure if it’s safe to assume that. Is that the end of Chapter 4? I'm not saying that I'm a slave to convention and need chapters to be the same length, but at this rate, there will be 100 chapters, unless you plan the story to be pretty short, which is allowed of course!

My comments are noted below, but reading what others have said after having written my piece, I would pick up on Mandamon’s comment about different ‘audiences’. I don’t mind that the action is sparse, because I am enjoying the feel of the story, the evocative descriptions of the surroundings, and some of the narrative is really enjoyable (I liked Rose’s rumination about lizards). For me you can get away with a slower pace, and it’s more suited to (almost mirroring) the wide open scenery of the south-western setting, as long as things still happen and the story moves forward, I'm less concerned about the pace. This said, I agree with Mandamon (I should have a shortcut key for that phrase...) that there are some chances missed. I have no argument with Rose running from the stone-throwing indigenes, but a longer exchange with the ranger with have been interesting in what was a pretty short chapter, then again perhaps he will crop up again and we will already have a good picture of him. You’ll see from my comments that my main gripe remains. We don’t know nearly enough about Rose’s motivations and thoughts. ---------------------- What is a grackle? Ah ha, I like the parting between Prince and Rose, there is some emotion on display and I get a nice sense of what Rose is feeling without an explicit description, which leaves room for me to imagine the detail of her thoughts. I like that, and I think it is one of the major components missing from the first chapter – nicely handled. I like the description of the rain falling, very effective I thought. Are Rose’s socks not included as part of her clothes, have they been ostracised as being unclean? (sorry). I'm not sure ‘contrition’ is the word, to me that means apology or repentance – which I'm not getting a sense of from the ranger in this situation. ‘Hasta nunca’ = good riddance? Several times now, you’ve used a sentence construction with two ‘ands’, which I find a bit odd. Example: ‘When the fire died down, she wrapped the blanket around her and cleared the mattress and lay down.’ Maybe it’s just me, but I find it sounds a little childish compared to the more conventional introduction of commas between items in a list, i.e. ‘When the fire died down, she wrapped the blanket around her, cleared the mattress and lay down.’ Just my opinion. Nice image of her burning the letter from Amparo, and then ‘plans melting into dreams’, I continue to like the imagery that you use, which brought me back to keep reading. I still think a major component missing from the story so far is any sign or thought of why Rose is pursuing the Manticore. The end of the section where she is planning then dreaming might be a good place to introduce this, because it continues to leave me wondering every time she sets out again, why is she doing this, why is it important to her? I'm starting to wonder if I’ve missed something, but even if I have, it could do with being reinforced, drawn out more, I think. The use of the word ‘forth’ seems out of place, as it has an archaic sound, which hasn’t been present in the writing so far. Ouch! I wasn’t expecting her to kill the lizard after her remembering scenes from her childhood, nice touch, revealing something of her character. ‘She'd seen her stepdad [do] it several times.’ Repetition of word ‘meat’ was unnecessary I thought. What does she use to purchase the water and beans? It’s not that I don’t think she has any money, but I don’t imagine she has a lot. Where did she get it from? Did she have it before she went into prison and they gave it back to her? I'm just curious. It’s not necessarily an interesting part of the story – and it is possible to ignore it (e.g. Lord of the Rings – where we can just accept that the four Hobbits have money for rooms and ale). Repetition of ‘once’ distracted me. That was an exciting end to the chapter, well written I thought. Realistic, in that Rose doesn’t turn out to be an expert mountain bike rider, but instead comes a cropper as most people would do in that situation. It did make me think that Rose has paid no great heed to her own safety in what appears to be a rather wild region, even when she was chased away by stone-throwing natives earlier on. I think this is part of the whole issue of her motivation. Is she really that incautious or careless of her own safety? Or is it just because she wants this SO much, but we don’t get a sense of why because she seems so unemotional about it all. It seems to me that her safety is something that she would consider, or weigh up against her motivation for seeking the Manticore. What will she gain from finding it, fame, fortune, contentment? This chapter has some emotion in it, and I found that rewarding, but I think we still need more of Rose’s thought and motivations to keep the reader interested, at a minimum enough for our imaginations to build around, but preferably some examination of her rationale for being here on this quest.

I’ve just re-read my comments below before posting (pasting) them and they sound a bit harsh, but please don’t take them that way!! I like the tone of the writing, and the pace/flow, and some of the imagery and description is good, as are the central idea and setting, but there is one problem in particular that will most likely stop me from reading further. I hope that there are constructive comments here that will help. I would love to read the story in a later draft when complete (perhaps in the alpha thread) with what I think is the central issue addressed. It all comes back to Rose – she is so important to the story, and yet we learn almost nothing about her feelings, and see little sign of her emotions at the things that go on around her. I'm reading Hunger Games at the moment, and I feel that there is a very stark contrast between what Suzanne Collins tells us about what Katniss is feeling and thinking and the absence of that insight in relation to Rose. And now the comments, written as I read... Don’t like the word ‘vocation’ there. I had to get a Google translate on ‘pinche cabrona gabacha’ – and I still don’t entirely get ‘gabacha’, I presume it’s Wiktionary’s 4th option ‘foreigner’. I'm a bit conflicted about using language that most of the audience will have to look up, it certainly adds colour, but it breaks the flow, which otherwise generally good. ‘mustache’ > moustache I do like the flow and the pace of it. Including a high proportion of dialogue means that things really skip along quickly, but there are places where the language is a bit too fast and loose, and it pulls me out of the story. Example, I think almost all word repetition is distracting (in the same sentence or paragraph). The man grabbed her by the arm with a rough jerk. Rose looked down at his delicate brown fingers on her arm, then up into his olive-colored eyes. Then the man released his grip on her and smoothed the lapels of his jacket, then cleared his throat with an awkward smile. I didn’t understand what was meant by foundation dug into the ground, until I reached the description of their being able to see feet. A foundation being in the ground (as they all are!) does not mean that the floor is at that lower level, so I think that could be clearer. I do like the repetition of the phrase ‘that sort of thing’, I think that’s effective, raised a smile with me when I cropped up again. I'm not sure how I feel about Prince. He seems rather foppish and annoying, with several affectations, I mean a monocle, really? Rose has decided he’s alright, but I'm still on the fence. There’s a suspicion on info dumping in his account of his aunt’s background, but I think you get away with it because it fits the context as common ground between the two which they would reasonably discuss. Ouch! When you burn the roof of your mouth that stays with you for some time – in my experience can be the rest of the day, certainly when you eat hot things it will remain irritated and irritable. I like the interplay with the barman, it adds to the solidity of the location, gives a wider view so that it’s not just Rose and Prince facing each other across a table, and brings me closer to liking Prince. I feared more info dump at the foot of Page 3, but it was welcome to know something about why the world was the way it was, so I didn’t resent the delivery of the information. The difficulty I had was that these are staggering events and yet they are blithely rhymed off and almost dismissed, but I'm still reeling trying to imagine those circumstances. I almost want to spend a lot more time hearing about those events, and I'm hoping this story is interesting enough to compete with its recent history. This is good coming from me, but occasionally there’s a bit of dialogue that is over wordy, I think, like... ‘And I read not long ago calling my attention to the face that...’ It’s really rude of Prince not to offer Rose a drink until he has had his for several minutes. This is fine if it’s your intention to convey that he is not the gentlemen that he pretends to be. How long were they in the bar? It seems like it must have been hours if night has fallen. ‘...such as was common in the old days...’ > such as had been common... I think. Sometimes the dialogue is not very believable. ‘Is this Dante’s house?’ Well of course it is. Rose seems incredibly trusting on arriving at the house of a complete stranger. She knows very little about Prince, and nothing about Dante. Again, I don’t speak Spanish, so I have to look up what ‘sin miedo’ means – actually, I think that ‘sin’ means ‘without’? Google translate tells me fearless, which is obviously the wrong sense, but by this time I'm completely out of the story. I think when someone walks into a room, they notice the size of the room, windows, people in the room or empty, before they would notice a couch or a painting over a couch. There’s something off key about the behaviour of the people in this story. Yasmina is in Dante’s house, but Prince walks in (with Rose) and makes himself comfortable without announcing their presence to her? I find it very hard to believe that. Maybe Prince is weird that way, but when Dante arrives home he is very secretive about something in his own home, almost as if he is asking Prince’s permission to go and talk to his ‘girl’? I'm struggling with this. To me, it feels contrived that Yasmina would blow up at Dante for his infidelity at the very moment when Prince and Rose arrive (unannounced) at their home. Are they walking in the pitch black or is there street lighting? There is very little scene-setting so it is difficult to visualise the surroundings, I appreciate that it’s dark, but I think this narrows the scope of the story, which focuses on details and dialogue. I have very little idea what Rose’s motivations are, why is she pursuing the manticore? Not just for something to do, surely? I think reader needs to know more about Rose to invest in her quest and her character. ‘A lean old man with a sunken face stood there with a mop in his hand...’ – stood where? It sounds as if they have gone inside, so I'm a bit dislocated when Prince opens the door to the hotel. No suggestion of a thank you from Rose to Prince, who has just paid for her hotel room. No parting at all. I'm not sure I like Rose very much. ‘She found the room and put the key in the door and opened it and went in and shut the door behind her.’ I think this kind of description is unnecessarily mechanical. It doesn’t add anything to the story. Instead, I’d like to know more about how Rose is feeling. She’s been hauled out of town and brought back again by a man she doesn’t know. paisley > Paisley, it’s a name Again, there is a fair bit of mechanical description of what Rose is doing, but no sense of what she is thinking and feeling, for example as she looks at the pieces of paper that relate to her past and the reason that she has come here. I find it very difficult to feel anything about the character because I don’t know what she is thinking or feeling. I don’t know why she is here, why it’s important to her. ‘...and just lay there, looking at the ceiling.’ But what is she thinking and feeling? I can guess that’s she’s annoyed at being disturbed, but she seems to feel nothing at all about what she has just seen, or anything that has happened to her since arriving in the town. The bit about nuclear war seems rather random and shoe-horned in. How can she visualise nuclear war when she doesn’t know what it is? Having read the intros and the first chapter, my feeling at this point is that there is not enough to encourage me to read further into the story. Rose seems the least interesting of the characters that I have encountered so far, because I know nothing about her motivations. The other characters show emotion, reveal feelings and reactions in a way that gives me something to spark my interest, but Rose does not seem to react to anything, and therefore leaves me cold. It’s a pity, because there is some real flare to your writing, I think you have an interesting turn of phrase, but the story has to be all about your main character. I think the reader needs to get under her skin early on and be a party to what she is thinking and feeling. So far, the reader is either being shut out or nothing is happening between her ears, which can’t be true.

Please excuse late comments, but Nano consumed all my spare time so just catching up now. This is the first piece of yours that I’ve read, so really interested in discovering your style. I like the style, easy to read and a good fit in tone with the desert setting. Feels like period, but then the reference to army vest pulled me in a different direction. Personally, I don’t think it needs the last line, the image of Rose walking away is enough to make me wonder where she’s going and what’s going to happen, I don’t think the reader needs a reminder of what she’s there to do. ‘As she went...’ (what?). ‘As she went on(?), it became clear...’ I'm not sure that the dreamy smile fits the description of the man up to that point. My image of him is one of a patient bystander, maybe a bit remote, possibly avuncular, but the dreamy smile makes him seem a bit lecherous all of a sudden. I think of the two, I prefer the alternate. In that version we delve straight into the characters (mostly hers) and the discussion, and the setting follows, which I think is more interesting as it creates mystery about the setting and the situation before that is revealed. I think it is a quicker way into the story, grabs the attention earlier in that first page. I’ve heard it somewhere that starting with dialogue is usually more effective (presumably for this reason). I had some doubts about some of the punctuation, but all in all and like the style of the writing and I'm keen to read more.

So I'm doing the world’s biggest catch up at the moment – please forgive the late comments. I think it’s all been said already, but I still was interested to read it (I always read and comment before looking at the posts) – hope there is something useful in the following. Not sure ‘griefs’ is a word, just ‘grief’. I'm confused by what happens when the guards open the match and drop things into the cell. Is it Salim’s cell? But he then ignores the objects – it sounds as if it is food that he cannot eat. I presume the shouting and futile pleas are from prisoners in neighbouring cells, and the guards are doing their rounds. It seems strange that he would wait for more debris after the hatch had been closed. At the top of Page 3 the fantasy returns, then threatens return in the same sentence. There are some really nice turns of phrase in this, I really like ‘The smell of cardamom wafted down in slow spirals, somehow overriding the odor of decay...’(not sure it needs the ‘human waste’ bit), and ‘There was only the sun and far away songs of insects.’ very effective. Notwithstanding some line edits, this was an enjoyable read. There were nice stylistic touches, although some phrases here and there didn’t sound quite right, but my main issue is that I felt a bit let down by the ending. This is not to say that every story should have a twist, but somehow I was expecting something more, to be surprised I think. Enduring pain and making sacrifice for love is hardly a novel theme, which makes me wonder where this is part of a larger piece and there is more context / substance to the story.

So I'm doing the world’s biggest catch up at the moment. I hope that these few comments are still useful in some way. Overall, I found this first chapter enjoyable, I think it paints a picture of the society and some of the setting pretty effectively by dropping in details here and there. Are you drawn in by this opening? Does it make you want to read more? I found the style readable and had no great issue with the flow. This said - it’s not exactly my thing. I was trying to decide if Peter’s voice is a bit smug, possibly so. Could I read 300 pages of it? Perhaps not in that intense form, but I appreciate that it’s an introduction (effectively), and that the ‘real’ Peter would maybe be less of a show-off, less superior when faced with problems and try-fail situations. Is Peter's narration believable? Not for a nine year old, as you said yourself. I think he would be better being older. There is a sizeable back catalogue of annoying pre-teens in various areas of literature. I think you would have more scope for development of the story and the character if he is older. What issues distract from the main thrust of the narrative? I'm not sure I got much of a narrative thrust. It’s very much an introduction, and feels self contained to me. We learn something about Peter and his surroundings, a bit about society, but not much else. I hope this is useful - as usual for me, written without reading other peoples' comments, but having now done so, I agree with Mysty's comment about the money. I'm no economist, but rampant inflation seems to be followed by political upheaval and possibly breakdown of society, certainly in some areas. There is no sense of that here, although I appreciate it is only a few pages. The mention of money certainly has an impact, but leaves a lot of questions.

Thanks for posting this. I was interested to read more in this setting after reading ‘No Thing Harder than Bone’ before, my comments as follows. [Page 2, paragraph 5/7] – It’s not clear why Lei has not been apprenticed when she seems to have completed all the training there is on offer. I'm not clear at this point on the use of the word ‘draft’ in relation to the Xe. The word is ‘ahead’ not ‘ahed’. [Page 5, paragraph 6/7] – There seems to be a skip between these paragraphs where Lei is not described as moving, and yet she has fed the animal. It didn’t seem to read quite right to me. [Page 6, paragraph 8] – I think you mean crumbled, not crumpled. I like the style of writing. It’s quite spare, not overly descriptive, but still conveys a decent image, allowing the reader to fill in with their imagination. There’s a need for polish in places, and also some places where a little more exposition would be useful. Also, word choice /grammar in places are an issue. I'm with Mandamon on the link between the old man and Snowcat, that passed me by completely, hence making the fight scene more confusing. I realise that this sits with the other story of your that I have read, ‘No Thing Harder than Bone’, although I'm not entirely sure how or when. ‘Virgin Flight’ almost reads like a prologue, as if there is much more explanation of aspects in the story to come. I'm interested to know about the society that Lei came from, which is intriguing in its apparent separation of male and female roles. I think because of the range of ideas crammed into a pretty short piece, pacing is an issue. It felt rushed to me, as if it wants to be a larger piece to allow more explanation of various aspects. I hope that these comments are helpful. p.s. Sorry so very late, I've been alphareading, then Nano, then Christmas - where does the time go!

Woo hoo!

Hi Mandamon, I have now finished Seeds of Dissolution, but first some excuses (of course!). Firstly, I did not manage to finish before Nanowrimo started, so had to shelf you for November, sorry! Then I wanted to keep going to finish my Nano project - which I hope to post here. Then it was Christmas and there were 3 to 4 weeks when I just couldn't get to it - all this said, once I got started again in early January and romped through the remaining 40% and I will email you the notes that I wrote - I apologise for the length of the document (yes, document), but I hope that the notes are useful. I agree with some of what Akoebel says, particularly in terms of the ending and the epilogue, which I too thought could have been more dramatic, and also about Enos brother being largely forgotten, out of character given how deeply connected they are. I don't think it needs a resolution on Inas, but just a way to reflect that his absense still affects Enos greatly, and that the others (especially Sam, who seemed to have a conneciton with Inas too) have not given up on finding him. I did not have a problem with some artistic licence in terms of the magic / science system or the powers of the nether, it's a fantasy novel, I think as long as something is well done, feels consistent and is dealt with consistently in a story then it will work (e.g. the Tardis). I'll message you or email the file. Very happy to discuss. Overall though, I enjoyed Seeds of Dissolution very much and think that a polish of the text would make it very presentable to an agent in terms of quality compared to other books that I have read. And when do we get the sequel??? : o )

Hey, I know that NaNo is set up in geographic regions, but is there a way on their site forum that we Excusers could keep in touch, or easier just to set up a thread here? How about a thread for general NaNo chat and a Support thread for wailing and gnashing of teeth, and moral support when the going gets tough?

Yeah, I'm in, last year was my first. In the end the word count wasn't a great problem for me, because I am SUPER competitive, with myself as well as others (in some circumstances). I entered a Word War, which is an ongoing thing between Glasgow (that's me) and Chicago. That helped me. The other thing that helped me was to break it down. I'm an engineer, so stats and targets are a big part of what I do. 50,000 words in 30 days is 1,667 words per day. Try and get ahead early so you have a bit of a buffer if you lose a day here and there when life decides to intrude. Other than that, as Gamma Fiend says, just write. Whether you're NaNo or not, it's never going to be a polished article, nobody writes their final draft first. Edit at your leisure, but November is not about leisure, it's about graft, hard graft, oh, and fun, lots of fun!!!!!

I really enjoyed this story, and even though I have some comments that are fairly elemental, I think it’s worth reviewing a putting out there, I think it reads really well. [Page 1] I'm completely on board here, the first sentence pulled me in, the first paragraph sets up the (apparent) situation very succinctly, and the rest of the first page gives me a strong feeling for the setting and end of the second paragraph I have a nice sense of character. I think this is a strong introduction. [Page 2] The use of the word ‘might’ implies to me that he shouts out loud, but I'm not sure if that's case from the context. If he is shouting I think it should be more explicit, if not, I'm not sure ‘might’ is the right word there. [Page 3] I always think that scenes and descriptions of taking a heart out of a body imply that it is an easy thing, like plucking an apple from a tree, whereas I imagine it must require quite a bit of cutting or muscle and blood vessels to free it from the chest cavity. I don’t know about gargoyles of course, but given the description of the tools and Pyrus’ training, I wondered if this passage would be more effective if there were just a handful of words in additional description of how difficult (or not) it is to actually remove the heart. [Page 4] I’ll admit to being shaken at the knowledge that he sacrificed his brother and sister, any sympathy I had for him and his situation has taken a dent and I'm waiting now for an explanation as to why this might have been a morally acceptable thing to do. [Page 5] Will readers from outside the UK know what a bramble is? They find out on this page that they are berries, but they are mentioned earlier. [Page 6] Lovely deft jibe in the exchange over the cat and the question ‘why?’ [Page 7] I suspected that it must be the case that there was a rationalisation behind the sacrifice of Pyrus’ brother, and now I can presume that it was the same for the sister. I'm not keen on the reference to a chest being amputated even as something that is impossible, it feels a bit clumsy. I would rephrase that. [Page 8] I'm not sure you can ‘bring pride upon your people’ pride is between you and them. I think it’s a case of ‘earn (or illicit) your people’s pride’ or ‘bring honour upon your people’. The extended and intermingled metaphors comparing his mother to the cat in various ways, but also referencing the crow are effective, I thought. [Page 10] I like the line about going down (dying) trying to live. [Page 11] He seemed to reach the decision to stop protecting his family quite easily given how long he appears to have been doing it. I appreciated that he was in crisis, but I would have looked for maybe another sentence where he struggles with this. The only impression I have of his family is a cruel mother and a sister who didn’t seem to be much better. Why would he spend so long ensuring their protection? [Page 12] This is a good story, I really enjoyed it. For me it was the best writing of the various pieces of yours that I have read, but one thing stuck out for me at the end, which was ‘Hang on, what about the sister?’ On Page 4, you say what I interpreted as he sacrificed his brother and sister. Now I realise that I must have read that wrong, and that it is part of coming to manhood that he makes a sacrifice along with his brother and sister – but would that not imply that they were all the same age – which presumably isn’t the case? My assumption that the reference on Page 4 was to him sacrificing his sister as well (as some stage) was confirmed, in my mind at least, when he did in fact sacrifice his brother. So now I am left with a major question, what about the sacrifice of the sister? By the end, I'm assuming it didn’t happen in which case I think the reference on Page 4 should be clarified. All in all excellent story, just the sort of thing I would want to read if I was shelling out for an anthology of shorts. If anything, I think it could stand to be longer, because I was really enjoying what felt like a pseudo-Romanic setting, and there were hints at some interesting background in terms of Crastus being a general, for example. I must admit I did think of ‘127 Hours’ when he amputated his arm, just for a few moments, but it did bring me out of the story briefly. I wonder if you could substitute his lower leg for the arm to get away from that. It would make his embarking on the Great Walk all the more poignant. Just a thought.

Intriguing story, very lyrical, I'm not very good with these flights of fancy, I think my brain works in a way that is too literal, so when I run into something requiring more interpretation, and perhaps a leap here and there, I'm never confident that I am making the correct assumptions (if there are any correct assumptions). It seems to me that the lizard men come to stay at the hotel and end up running it – having presumably eaten the owners and the staff, although the last line implies that the hotel itself is no longer recognisable as such. Whatever the case, I enjoyed the read and the style of the piece, I thought it flowed well and didn’t outstay its welcome given that a little offbeat can go a long way sometimes. I agree with Mandamon that the ambiguity is essential in something like this, and that two or three passes for polish will really bring the whole thing up a notch. I'm going back to read ‘Peter Endor’ now, one of the things I need to catch up on.

Hey Mandamon, I don't want you to think I'm having trouble with 'Seeds of Dissolution', quite the opposite, really enjoying it, but the last couple of weeks really dented my progress (one in court, as a good guy!!! and another with my daughter at work) - but I'm about 60% through. I'm also into outlining for NaNo, which doesn't help with the whole alpha reading thing, as I'm not an outliner - so trying a new approach this year. I'm aiming to finish Seeds before November, of course : o )

Hi jp, I feel like a heel, but here goes... [Page 4] Is the car moving when Amy unbuckles her seatbelt? I presume that it is, I dare say we’ll find out, but at this point I don’t know and I think I should, one way or another. [page 5] ‘slewn’ – I think should be ‘strewn’. Overall, I'm kind of underwhelmed. There’s a fair bit of cliché in the situations that we find Jeff in. His wife is dead, he drinks, he rejects friends and colleagues, he drinks some more, he rejects offers of company and friendship, unable or unwilling to allow himself to feel anything other than pain, guilt, etc. I think the redeeming feature is the moment there it seems like a thought of his dog being left alone, abandoned, is what turns him back from attempting to take his life. I found the intercut with the image of the dog scratching at the door effective. I suppose what I'm saying then is that the last couple of scenes are effective, but for me it wasn’t enough to outweigh the well-worn and, to be frank, clichéd events and situations that lead up to the conclusion. This said, I think it would be a good challenge to re-write the piece with the aim of giving the preceding events a spark, making them different and interesting by changing them to replace the clichés with something different, trying to take a leaf from Tarantino or Sorkin (for example) and making the dialog surprising, even shocking, while still following the same general thread. Maybe the apartment is absolutely spotless because Jeff has taken to cleaning and tidying obsessively, which could be highlighted by a huge overreaction to some small sign of dirt. Don’t know – just spit-balling. Thanks for sharing!

Hi, I enjoyed the story, but I have some comments and issues. Also, I agreed with some of the other comments. I think the ending implies that this is the first chapter (or two) in a much larger work - it doesn't feel like a short story to me. I think CJ is spot on, you t reveal the animal sign pets after the quatlmander has appeared, so there is no foreshadowing - in fact it seems like post shadowing (if that's possible). [Page 1] I'm not keen on ‘sun’s watchful orb’, sounds to me like something separate from the sun itself. As journeyman rainmaker I would have thought clear skies was what he usually same, presuming that he is called upon to generate rain where there is none, but perhaps I don’t understand his role yet. ‘...but the sun’s relentless vigilance the only protection for the lone travelertraveller ...’ I don’t understand this phrase. Also, how is the sun’s vigilance (glare) a protection in a desert, or wasteland? I would have thought it was a threat due to exposure. Wearing black in the hot sun is not the best idea if he wants to avoid absorbing more heat, and leather pants – have you every worn then? Super uncomfortable if one it sweating I would think. I see that you explain that, but I'm starting to form the impression that Andrew isn’t very practical. If he is obliged to wear those clothes, he might curse the fact at this point. I'm glad to hear it’s a forced trek. I'm not quite getting the source of the flickering lights if there is bright sunshine. [Page 2] Having ‘Andrew’ in the dialogue tag and the sentence seems clumsy to me. I think you should distinguish between Andrew’s thoughts and the prose with italics or underline (although I don’t really get why some people still us underline on a w/p). ‘...Is that you under that helmet and beard?’ Most people don’t speak that way, this piece of dialogue sounds stilted to me. ‘...and waved him come closer...’ ‘Brent pulled the spear free...’ – I wondered if this was a typo, or if the character had previously been called Brent and you had changed it to Bert and overlooked this one. I would say Brent is a more interesting name, so far the names seem out of place with the setting, and Andrew Sullivan isn’t very exotic, just my opinion though, maybe that will change as I come to understand the setting. I like that we learn the reason for the title early on in the story. It seemed a bit clumsy at first, but knowing the context, I think it’s actually quite lyrical, and almost perhaps portentous. The city guard have weapons I presume. Now I'm intrigued to find out how the people eat their food (presumably not plastic cutlery!! Perhaps wood.) ‘...safe-keep my rod...’ – Sorry, but I sniggered at the unintended innuendo in that line. I see later that this sort of reference recurs. It’s in my head now and it’s going to be a problem for me going forward. I'm a bit confused by the night reference, as I'm presuming it is still broad daylight from the earlier references to the sun overhead. It does not feel as if any significant amount of time had passed. [Page 3] ‘Excuse me, but I couldn’t fail to overhear your exchange with the City Guard...’ – I think you really need to look at the dialogue – real people don’t actually speak this way. I’ve fallen into the trap myself, I think some of the dialogue could do with an overhaul. Why is Andrew surprised at the handshake? ‘We will be circumventing the city...’ – wrong word – circumnavigating I presume. I like the qualifying requirement for becoming a master, it sounds like a very difficult challenge, which it should be. There are some nice ideas in this story. [Page 4] Maybe it’s just my cynicism, but Jeremiah seems very quick to offer food, shelter and money to a complete stranger. I realise that he is a Rainmaker, and maybe it’s just that the full significance and importance of the title hasn’t come across to me. Andrew also seems very accepting of the hospitality and the offer, easily accepting it as without question or suspicion. I admire his trusting nature, but it could be seen as a little naive for someone journeying on his own, far from home without any support. [Page 5] The use of ‘yeah’ is out of keeping with the tone of the dialogue to date, which has been very polite and formal. I like your descriptions. They are straightforward and economical, not overdone, and therefore leave the right amount to the reader’s imagination. Andrew has shrugged twice on this page. I don’t see the point, whose benefit is it for? I'm not sure what it is suppose to convey. ‘By late mid-morning...’ I presume that’s a typo, either it’s late morning or mid morning. When you say ‘write this up as usual’, do you mean put it on her tab? It killed his sense of smell. I don’t understand his surprise – she spoke to him directly several times during the meal. [Page 7] ‘If you are so sure...’ – What? Sounds like an incomplete sentence. [Page 8] Eiji’s character has changed very quickly from her being very timid and shy, to being scornful and disrespecting in under a day. It doesn’t feel right to me. I don’t have a problem with the way she’s acting, but I think her timidity at their first meeting is inconsistent, unless she was dissembling of course, but there’s no sign of that - so far anyway. [Later, when it's revealed that she's a princess, it would put her initial behaviour on meeting Andrew into context if he were to think back to that, and how she was obviously dissembling.] [Page 9] Now she’s taking his arm, but there’s not acknowledgement of the total change in her character. And I can’t see how, if it’s such an amazing thing for him to link arms with a woman that he would not be instantly conscious of it, rather than only realising some time afterwards. I can’t see how he would put an arm around her shoulders when he is so unfamiliar with female contact. He can’t believe that his arm is linked with hers after a few minutes, and yet he has the nerve to put his arm around her shoulder without any remark or inner thoughts about the significance of it. [Page 10] His shrugging makes no sense in the context of this sentence. [Page 12] ‘My past is out to get my balls...’ – I don’t think the phrasing of this is correct, I'm not sure what you’re trying to say. I can’t think of any reason that Andrew would decide to be complicit in stealing the tome. Is it because he has been seduced by Eiji’s familiarity? I just don’t see any rationale for it. I think that any sane person would call for the guards. I'm not convinced by his attitude to the whole exercise. All in all, I enjoyed the story. I presumed, because of the ending that it was a first chapter, before I read your post comment. I think there are some inconsistencies there, and some of the word choice and grammar isn’t correct, and is quite distracting in places. I think it is an issue in some of the phrasing that would need to be fixed in edit. I mentioned the dialogue early, and its being stilted in places. It does improve further in, becoming snappier, almost to the point that it is so cut down in places that I had to think carefully to get what was being said. I think the biggest issue is that Andrew’s actions in stealing the book are not convincing. It feels that the character goes along with it because that’s what the plot requires. Someone mentioned Jeremiah being Eiji's father, but I don't think that's right - I didn't infer that bonds-father meant biological father - does it? I don't mean my comments to be harsh, I think there's a good story here with some polishing and better commentary to convey why Andrew acts the way he does. I also think it needs to decide whether it's a short story or the first two or three chapters of a novel, because the pacing would be different.

Hi Ben, I know there are some issues, but I enjoyed your chapter. I'm probably repeating, sorry, but I do have a different take in places, I think. [Page 1] I'm not sure about ‘aggressively nondescript’, I can see what you’re getting at, but at the end of the day, it sounds like an oxymoron - I don't think it works. I'm not sure about the mix of tenses, there seems to be an inconsistency in the application, unless it’s a more obscure pattern, and I'm not seeing it. [Page 2] So her father’s called Jerome as well, that’s confusing, is it really necessary? Things are disorienting enough so far, duplicating names just adds to that for me. ‘Yanky’? Yankee, surely – although I'm a Brit, but I’ve never seen ‘Yanky’ – unless it’s a corruption for the purposes of the story, in which case I’ll shut up!! [Page 3] I like the ‘Cornland’ exchange. I wasn’t expecting to laugh out loud, since the tone has been rather sombre and serious so far, but this passage is great. Also typo in first line, ‘You’re’. I'm not getting the sudden switches in tense at all, and the italicised section, it’s not like thought, it’s like she’s narrating her own life, sounds strange. Also, his reaction to the joke seems over the top – doubled over laughing, really? I said I laughed out loud, but I managed to stay in my chair. ‘...Chloe knew he'd wake for a dollar...’ – nice phrase, slick and cool. [Page 4] Tense confusion again. [Page 5] ‘...They asked him so hard he pissed blood...’ – nice line! [Page 6] ‘...Carl was only a criminal for couple of days...’ – what on Earth does that have to do with anything? – I’ve got no sympathy for Carl so far – he presumably caused all those savers a whole lot of pain, since by the sound of it a bank post-22 might not be insured? [General] I agree with most of the other comments, but I'm not with Ria on the "unfeeling bureaucracy” line, I think the meaning’s clear enough, and it gives us an insight into Jerome’s personality. Also, I like the line "hair brunette always dyed either blond or red", it has a lyricism to it, which is no bad thing. In fact, I think that might be the issue with the interlude describing Carl’s background. It’s almost like an extended blues lyric dropped into the prose. Like one of those scenes from ‘Holes’ when we’re getting a flashback about Sam (he of onion fame) – it’s like a completely different voice although it’s supposed to be Chloe. You’ve got a nice turn of phrase, I like the general style and the characters are convincing. I don’t like the messing around with tense. To me this is generally pretty strong writing without that, I don’t think it adds anything, in fact for me it’s distracting, going on annoying. I'm keen to read more. I want to know what happened in 22, it sounds intriguing. Vines are hellish, I’ve tried to eradicate an unwanted ivy from my garden, it’s a tough s.o.b.! Like AndyK, as a Brit I missed the inconsistencies in the setting, but it’s not an excuse if you’re going to go there. I hope I'm not supposed to like Carl, because I don’t so far. Gangsters are the pits – there’s no excuse and there’s no such thing as a victimless crime. It ain’t big, and it ain’t clever. Hang ‘em high. Hope we get Chapter 2 soon.

The Dark Crystal Author Quest by Penguin / Henson? Not my scene, but good luck!

I do agree with most of the other comments in relation to Akim. In addition..., [Page 1] ‘...that bastard,’ – does she mean the lieutenant? Is he not in the vehicle? I thought he was. “We're officially in day three of the riots,...’ – this sounds like exposition, they know this, why would he say it out loud? [Page 2] I like the dynamic of the dual attack, but I'm not sure we get a sense of the cyber-threat (if that’s what it is). I'm wondering how that would impact on their physical operations, it would be good to see some sign of the enemy doing damage in that sphere, which then affects the physical world, just a hint (or two) so we know there is another (unseen) threat. The story fairly rattles along at a good pace here, I get a nice sense of the chaos when Kate is out of the vehicle, the impressions of smells, sights and sounds. I'm a bit unclear about the firing into the civilians. Kate is abhorred by it early on, then prays it is not happening, but once she is outside the young solider fires into a crowd and she does not react as strongly as I expected. Also, the phrase ‘civvy killing’ sounds wrong coming from her, it sounds harsh and uncaring when clearly that is not her view, unless she’s trying to disguise her true feelings. You’ve described Abner, but I don’t really have a sense of the others, even though it sounds like the vehicle is full of people. [Page 3] ‘...they're ordering a full push back of everything...’ I'm not clear what this phrase means, but I gather from what happens next that it is a ‘pull’ back that was ordered, but how does that secure the area? [Page 4] Again, I'm really enjoying the pace of the writing and the effectiveness of the descriptions. There are maybe a couple of details here and there that would help to clarify what is going on, and who is doing what to whom. I'm surprised that Kate is not more overtly angered by the use of a nuclear device when her platoon is in range. Could they not have been wiped out, or at least subject to radiation poisoning? And they weren’t warned about the strike. I know she’s upset, but her reaction isn’t at all commanding. She should be checking on her troops rather than curled up crying when they don’t seem to be. [Page 6] I see you pick up her outrage at what happened during the action here, I just thought that she and her troops would have more of a reaction at the time. ‘...three-fourths...’ – three quarters surely ‘I'm almost half tempted...’ one or the other, I think. There are some elements that felt a bit hackneyed, the anger at an uncaring authority, the drinking, the resignation, and Kate does seem a bit naive about the motivations of government, it might have been more effective if there were hints that her discontent has been growing for a while. I do think that more of a sense of what the ‘cyber’ soldiers were doing would be useful, since other than them ‘plugging in’ they don’t really seem to contribute. These things aside, I did like the pace and flow of this prologue. I think Kate could be more commanding, she certainly came off second best in her exchange with Akim, but she has potential to be a good character once we learn more about her motivations and her flaws.