Robinski

Lerroy, I'm glad you called me on my assessment of the bar scene, it sent me back to look at it again. I remain of the view that the scene can work, but I still have a problem with Will's aggressive dislike of the waitress. Whether it's conscious or not, thinking of someone as a 'beast', I think, goes beyond derogatory, and that's compounded by the thought that she can't speak properly either. I think these traits diminish the scene. Instead of coming away focused on Sam's mental state, our attention (I think) is concentrated at least as much on the waitress and Will's response to her, which shouldn't be the case. I don't see why she needs to speak in a strange way as well as being obese. I still believe the scene would be more effective if the waitress was grumpy and plain or just unattractive. Taking all this though, the thing that delivers the punch and led me to use the word 'misogynist' is Sam's attitude. The waitress may be ugly and fat, but his reaction seems out of character. I don't seen anything in the rest of the story that leads to his use of the word 'beast' describe her, which I think clearly goes beyond descriptive into hateful.The fact that the waitress is the only female character in the story compounds my feeling on this. I must stress that I did enjoy the story, and I would happily read an updated version - but that one (albeit small) aspect, I feel, detracts from the whole because of what I saw as an inconsistency in Sam's character.

I enjoyed this first section well enough, but there are issues that I had problems with. I liked the dynamic of refugees fleeing from war, I’m less widely read in contemporary fantasy than many on here I suspect, but to me it’s a less commonly used situation. I found the dialogue in need of polishing. There’s some maid-and-butler stuff and I think it would benefit from at least one more pass. Reading it out loud will give you a sense of how convincing/realistic (or not) it is – and there are other ways to deal with exposition. I like Perrin’s moments of reminiscence, and his nightmarish memories of what has happened. They add tension to the situation and add to his character. I don’t find the military situation convincing. If there are thousands of Axians rampaging across the country, and people in Haywood know about it, why is the whole country not at war? The earls should all be standing together, as surely it must be obvious that the Axians don’t plan to stop with Gree – there’s nothing to suggest they would. I don't think there is nearly enough panic in Haywood. I'm interested to know more about the setting and the world. I thought there might have been more on that. Where do the Axians come from, across a border or across the sea? Is there a monarch who sits over the earls? I think there are various aspects that need tightening up for consistency. I don’t think the presence of firearms was dealt with as it changes the dynamic from the first impression that most readers would form --------------------------------------------------------- Looking at the posts now, I would agree with a lot of the other comments - apologies where I'm duplicating. Mandamon mentions Perrin too (see my comment below). I take your point in response, but you have to consider what your end game is. No publisher is going to put out a book with Perrin as the protagonist, you might as well call him Frodo ;o) I'm slowly learning myself that a (proper) writer can’t afford to be precious about things like names – or anything else for that matter – kill your darlings! --------------------------------------------------------- (detailed comments) Page 1 – I can’t see you getting away with calling your protagonist ‘Perrin’ – most people will struggle not to see a big blacksmith with a large hammer and golden eyes. Page 2 - “We should stop soon, Lord Perrin. It’ll be dark soon. We’re all tired.” – Repetition of ‘soon’. He raised his hand and waved Jaora, riding on his right with one of the few horses left. She sided closer to him. “Jaora, tell the people to set up camp tonight. - Repetition of ‘Jaora’, he doesn’t need to use her name as they know each other (presumably). Page 3 – Jacob’s smile was genuine. – Why wouldn’t it be? I think the tag’s unnecessary. Also, repetition of the word ‘road’. Page 4 – Maid-and-butler dialogue. Jacob wouldn’t say ‘letter that arrived this morning’ to Perrin, who knows that already. Again, does Jacob not know where the Eastern Road is? Sounds like Perrin only says that to tell the reader. Page 5 – I don’t like ‘haggardly’. I think you’re a bit heavy on the adjectives in places. Also, four uses of ‘Perrin’ in the one paragraph doesn’t read well. I found ‘simple tunic and trousers’ jarring. The first thing you mention when Perrin finds Jacob is what he’s wearing. I think his location is the more relevant thing, then what he’s doing. What he’s wearing seem irrelevant to the situation. Page 6 – A general would not tell and scout that he’s going to talk to the earl. Also, I found the name ‘Lonely Haybale’ rather comical, also calling it Inn and Tavern is clumsy, why not just ‘Inn’? More difficult though is the dialogue. It’s very maid-and-butler. You don’t need to tell the reader that it’s strange for an earl to meet another in an inn, and you certainly don’t need to compound that by having Perrin think it strange, and then Jacob agreeing with him! It’s like saying the same thing 4 times. I’m presuming that Bale doesn’t live in Haywood, or he would meet the other earls in his grand house. If that’s the case, then why is it unusual to meet at an in? Page 7 – I'm not sure about losing being the story of Perrin’s life if he’s an earl from a privileged family. Page 8 – I'm not sure how big Bale is, but Haywood sounds too small to support the amount of land needed to feed an earldom. The picture I'm taking from the description is that Haywood is just a crossroads. I accept that the majority of the population would be on the farms that surround the ‘town’ (it sounds more like a village to me), but I would expect there to be a lot of services in the town. I find the use of kilometres a bit odd. I associate SI units with technology, science, the modern world, etc., so it feels out of place here. Page 9 – Ah, that’s thrown me completely. I had a sense of the setting as ‘pre-technology’, but now there are pistols. It leads back to my problem with Haywood and how small it is if this level of technology exists. This said, there’s no mention of what type of pistol it is. Are we talking flintlock? Colt 45? Glock? Page 10 – Perrin is talking about wintering here, but they are going to the Triplets are they not? And aren’t the Axians relatively close behind them? My impression is that if they stay in Haywood the Axians will be on top of them in days. I find Perrin’s thought process confusing – maybe it’s me, but I think there’s a lack of consistency or clarity in the movement of the various forces and the timeline. Page 12 – I did not get any sense that Jacob was with Perrin, then he is mentioned as a casual aside, but not given any role in the conversation until his speech, when Perrin has discussed everything with him up to now. I find it hard to believe that the earl and the general would go with a small group and leave bulk of their people under someone else’s command, not good tactics, like Star Trek, all the senior officers going on the landing party? Tactical madness!

I like the sisters’ interaction, but I find it a bit inconsistent. I might have to read Chapter 1 again, but I felt Kisa’s perception of her sister’s characters and Belili’s internal P.O.V. were too far apart. Rather than being flighty and annoying – as portrayed in Chapter 1, I thought Belili came across as resourceful and decisive in this chapter. I'm not convinced that Kisa’s view of her sister could be that different from apparent reality. As noted below, and I'm probably stating the obvious, but I think that the chapter would benefit greatly from a revision, looking at dialogue in particular and a certain amount of telling-not-showing (see I'm not alone there). I found the nature magic practiced by the indigene effective, his easy confidence with it and obvious power, and the amazed reaction of sisters. I might have been more effective if we had seen a bit more magic practiced in the plantation, and perhaps been able to compare with the master having to work harder to achieve less. That’s a minor quibble. I'm enjoying the magic and I think a bit of tidying up (e.g. terminology) would make it interesting and effective. I understand the difficulty in dealing with the nomenclature. What if all fruit was magical, and there was no ‘normal’ fruit. Therefore, whenever fruit makes an appearance it is automatically magical. I haven’t thought that through in any depth, I’ll be honest, maybe it’s too much for the reader to swallow (sorry!!!). The others make some good points, no point in me duplicating overly. I will say I expected them to be on the plantation longer, agree with the Tia comments and expected the security to be way stronger. Still looking forward to reading more. --------------------------------------------------------- (Original comments) Page 1 – If it’s so obvious to Belili that it’s Tia who has discovered them, surely it’s obvious to Kisa, so why the need to speak it out load? Page 2 – I thought “Please! I’ll do anything.” was a bit melodramatic, but Belili swallowing the Fruit was surprising, but inevitable, I suppose, nicely in character for her. Page 3 – Interesting to discover it’s not the whole Fruit that’s magical, but just the juice. So presumably, one could keep a flask or vial of juice for convenience, although perhaps it has to come from the original Fruit without prior processing, interesting. I'm finding the dialogue a bit awkward in places, as noted before, and “Let us leave.” and “We must doubly do so.” Kisa is very well spoken for a slave. The absence of contractions makes her sound educated, which seems doubtful given what we’ve heard so far about the society. Page 4 – The guards are still at their posts, and yet shortly after they are going in opposite directions. Also, I was surprised how apparently easily bribed the guards seem to be to go against the orders of an apparently harsh and powerful master, maybe there is more to that than I'm seeing, as is hinted at in the amount of influence Tia seems to have. Are the guards standing close to them? They must be if they could look at them. Also, I didn’t have a good sense that they were leaving the plantation at this point – and then suddenly they seem to be up in the mountains with no impression of effort to get there – I felt disoriented at this point, or are they already in the mountains? And what rendezvous is Belili thinking about? Are we to presume that she was going that evening to make a trade? I don’t think it’s clear that’s what her intention was before she discovered the two, or maybe it wasn’t and it’s that thread that’s unclear to me. Is the wager referring to Belili taking the Apple? To me that would be a gamble. Page 5 – I see you refer to their education here, but I still feel the dialogue is too formal. I don’t think people would speak that way in practice, especially not in urgent and/or stressful situations, like being on the run. Page 6 – I not sure I agree with the logic that the master would search the plantation first, not that he wouldn’t search it, but if he has any number of men, would he not do both at the same time? If the guards saw them, and were bribed by Tia, would they not go to Tia’s aid, rousing her to tell her tale and set the pursuit? Page 7 – I feel there’s some telling going on, some stating the obvious, in places. ‘Kisa silently shook her head, holding a finger up for silence.’ for example. Shaking the head is implicitly silent, and putting a finger to the lips (clearer than saying ‘holding up a finger’, I think) is obviously a call for silence, no need to state it. Page 8 – I'm getting that sense of maid-and-butler dialogue from the conversation between the sisters after the hunter has killed the deer. Also, if he’s any kind of descent hunter, presumably he can hear them. I don’t get much sense that they are whispering. Page 9 – I think Kisa not having seen this before would be better in thought, why would she say it, her sister would know. Also, not sure it’s a contradiction, that would be a statement of the opposite, would it not? Page 10 – I like the man’s change in tone, showing an interest in their situation then telling them to go away. Page 13 - Belili noted the use of "our" instead of "your." – Show don’t tell, let the reader notice that. I suppose the down side is that some readers won’t pick it up, and that’s what leads us amateurs to telling not showing sometimes, but as someone on here reminded me, trust your readers, they’re smarter than you think!!

I enjoyed this chapter. I think it’s a very promising opening, not full of flash-bang stuff, but quietly promising interesting events to follow, potentially of great scope. We learn a fair bit about the character of the sisters, I suspect none of the other characters are of any great import in the long term, I sense that we are going out into the wider world, and it does feel like there is a wider world out there. We don’t need to know much about it at this stage, but there are enough hints that we can anticipate its discovery. I had a few grammar issues here and there, but I won’t bore you with them. I felt that Belili was rather annoying in places, her view on the world often very childish, overly so sometimes. I'm hoping at this point that we’re not in for a road trip where we spend a lot of time in Bel’s company. On in all though, despite some quibbles as noted, I enjoyed this. Kisare shows good promise as a protagonist, she seems level-headed, and believably human in her reactions, no heroics or melodramatics, a practical person in a difficult place who sees an opportunity and appears to have the courage to take a chance at something (a lot) better. Looking forward to reading more. --------------------------------------------------------- Andy has nailed some comments that I was waffling around, particularly the capital letters thing, although I do thing that you could hear the difference between ‘Apple’ and ‘apple’ in conversation, but it wouldn’t be subtle, be a bit like a bad double-entendre, or trying to make your deaf maiden aunt understand what you were trying to say. ‘Apple. No, not apple, A-pple! I wasn’t so bothered about Kisare changing her mind, although there would be no harm in dropping one line in showing her own surprise that she was going to do it, or something like that. I note what Asmodemon says about the ‘blond’ point, but I think I read that slaves had their hair bleached regularly. I took it that a slave could have dark hair, or non-blond anyway, but they wouldn’t know? This said, I'm not sure how quickly hair grows back in at the roots in terms of natural colour starting to show. Perhaps that aspect just needs tidied/firmed up a bit. --------------------------------------------------------- (Original comments) Page 1 – Why the capital in apple? And a capital ‘F’ in fruit, perhaps these words have greater significance than their standard meanings. (Sure enough, they do, but it seems odd at first, the reader not knowing the distinction between ‘Apple’ and ‘apple’. (There’s a joke in there about comparing oranges with Oranges, I think, or is that just British humour?)) After Page 1, I am intrigued. I have a sense of four characters and enough that is mysterious to want to read on and discover what is happening. I also have a sense of surroundings, and an evocative night time scene. So far, so good! Page 3 – ‘...shading into shadow.’ felt awkward to me. Page 6 – Not all the keen on the Fruits of the Sky and Bird of Night, I can see what you’re getting at, but I felt that it was stretching the mythology a bit far, lacking in elegance. My thoughts at this point are tending towards ‘surely they guard these magical trees if their Fruit is so powerful and valuable, surely two slaves won’t be able to sneak up and start digging away at the roots. Page 7 – Here you say the buried thing was wooden, but on Page 1 you say it’s metallic. Page 8 – You go to address the concern about guards, but I'm not entirely convinced, why would Aricaba-Ata and his guards be so trustful of his slaves? That doesn’t seem to be the attitude they give out. There are four uses of the word ‘guard’ or derivatives in Paragraph 3. Bel is becoming a bit annoying, she takes the flighty thing a bit far, as is she is not all there between the ears – which is perhaps the case. Page 9 – Sorry, but I'm having a moment here. I’ve just finished reading Akoebel’s ‘Shrouds’, so the mention of the vengeance god is a little bit like déjà vu! I was thinking about 5 minutes’ digging before the described another few minutes, so say 10 in all at the digging. There’s another 10 at least of them arguing. It seems a long time even between light patrols, and the tree that they digging around sounds like a prominent one if no other Fruit tree can produce while another is fruiting. It seems a little too convenient to the needs of the story that they are not trouble by the guards. Page 11 – I think there’s a danger that the ‘blondes’ thing could get comical at times. ‘Runaway blonds’ took me out of the story a bit, imagining a scene from ‘Some Like It Hot.’ Page 12 – I'm a bit sceptical about these people not knowing the soil conditions are as important, if not more so, than pruning, it seems inconsistent when we already know that they plants noble (and other) corpses as fertilizer. Page 13 – The seeds in the box has a feel of ‘Jack and the Beanstalk’ about it, but more complex and involved, tied to a magic system that is intriguing and seems to have a logical set-up, so I'm happy to go along with it so far. Page 14 – The turnaround at the end of the chapter is nice, surprising yet inevitable, that Kisare is the one deciding that they should leave because of the contents of the box. I like the fact that the box is not full of some obviously and immediately powerful thing, rather it is the promise, the hint of a possibility of power and wealth.

bites, LOL!

Well, I have finished Shrouds, and I will email you my copious notes (apologies!). Here, I'd like to comment on some of the exchanges and feedback on the forum, which I can read now that I'm finished. 1) - I have a problem seeing Arlon as likeable. I agree that he is set up that way to begin with, but when he starts killing gods, and the way he kills the solitary goddess, that was nasty. This said, I agree that cutting off his hands would have been out of character for the people making that decision, i.e. Neda, Mahau and Mandos. I also agree with Mandamon that actually cutting the leg off would have been extreme, and in any case led you to a cool alternative. 2) - I agree with Mandamon's point about more detail on the types of shroud. This is hinted at, of course, but not really explained properly. 3) - Same with the equation that leads to the raising of gods and greater gods. Another way to go would be that it just happens, that there is not some defined number, but I realise that would give you issue, as there would be no way for the characters to predict the danger and what to do about it. I did feel however that I couldn't really work out how the number were stacking up. 4) - Beware about breaking promises to the reader. I take your point about the murderer not really mattering, but it is a big part of what goes on early in the book. More of a revelation would have been good, I think, and I think you have to be cautious of setting up a situation that you are not all that committed (by the sound of it) to resolving. All in all, I've really enjoyed reading Shrouds. I think the four central characters are strong and distinct from one another, and play of one another well. I had some issues on the way through, and these are set out in some detail (sorry!) in the notes that I've emailed to you. I wish you all the best with Shrouds, and look forward to seeing something new from you in the future.

Hi Mark, welcome to Reading Excuses. From what you say, I think you are as well qualified to critique as anyone else on here, i.e. you are a reader, a writer and you've willing to put your own work out there, and to contribute to the forum. As well as weekly submissions, there is also an Alpha Readers thread here, so if you want to put your first novel up, I'm sure you're more than welcome to. I for one would be happy to read it. I'm a bit like you in some respects, I started writing my first novel about 25 years ago (not like you if you're at school!!), it took 10 years to finish the first draft and I re-wrote it 5 years ago because I knew the first draft was not good enough. I went from 127k to 225k words and it's still not good enough, because I know a lot more now. But that's okay, because it's important to me personally, I like it, and it's all about learning. Someone said (repeated by Writing Excuses) that you have to write a million words before you get to know what you're doing. So, the important thing it to keep writing, which you are doing, by the sound of it. I should say that I don't work here, I'm just a keen contributor with the big mouth (keyboard). Submissions have been a bit light in the last couple of weeks, so I bet if you posted a request on the Submissions thread, Silk (our kind and generous moderator) would let you submit without having critiqued yet.

For me, the last thing you need is more baggage - I don't think hobbies are the way to make Will more interesting - I think it should come through his thoughts on events around him and him reacting to those events. As for the epigraphs, I didn't get the sense that they were written by the Councilman, and I found them a bit flowery for my taste. I think you coudl make it clearer where those notes come from, and maybe review them for focus - often, less is more.

It’s an interesting concept for a story, what I saw as being the perspective of a solider fighting for the established (oppressive) order against the revolution, and developing principles that oppose his role in society. The difficulty I had was feeling that this wasn’t explored in enough depth, I didn’t really feel invested in the character of Will, the cause of the Lineants or the nature of Human society, which was painted as very ‘black-and-white’ Humans evil, Lineants downtrodden. This notwithstanding, I found the ending effective, well done, but it could have had a much greater impact if I had been invested in the character and the theme of recovery and rejuvenation, which I think could have been stressed more as a central theme. There’s an interesting idea here, but I think the realisation of it would be improved by concentrating more on what I thought were the main themes, and less on the procedure and practicalities of being a soldier. --------------------------------------------------------- Page 2 – So far, I’m okay with your writing style, you’ve got some bold images going on, but I feel that I'm not really invested in the character, I don’t know enough about Will, what he’s doing, what kind of person he is, so I don’t really care what happens to him (so far). Page 4 – As I read on, I'm starting to find the style rather wordy. There are more direct ways to express a lot of what’s going on, I think. It is a short piece and I think it would be better served by being shorter. Page 5 – The dialogue about unassigned time sounds ‘maid-and-butler’ – not something someone would say when all three of them already know it. Page 5 – As it happens, the story I'm working on now uses time checks as headings. I'm not sure I see the point of including the seconds as ‘00’ in all of them. Events don’t all happen at the start of a minute, of course. Unless you’re going to have something at a particular number of seconds, I think it’s just distracting. Page 6 – I struggle with your description of the waitress. You’re describing someone who is over-weight, well into obese by the sound of it, but you do so in offensive terms, which is unnecessary. I think the narrative should be dispassionate. If those thoughts are supposed to come from Will, then he’s a misogynist. The mechanism itself, of making the waitress very ugly and having Sam think she’s attractive because he’s drunk is crude and, I think, pointless. All that’s necessary for the mechanism, if you want to keep it, is that she’s ugly, or even plain, she does not have to be repulsive. Page 9 – There is quite a bit of description of procedures and processes which is rather dry. Page 14 – I like the section when Will wakes up to see all new faces around him. I thought you foreshadowed that well earlier on, so the line made a real impact when it landed. Page 16 – When we get to the section where Will faces the prospect of killing fellow Lineants, I struggled. I think it was because I had no real sense that Will was not human. He thinks, talks and behaves like a human – which I'm sure an effective ‘copy’ would do, but I think this lack of distinction makes it harder to accept Will’s dilemma.

It's cool, I really want to keep going - things are ramping up now that Mahua and Neda are onto Arden's plan, so I feel like I'm on the ramp up into the conclusion. Anyway, I have a real schedule. Need to get back onto last year's Nano and finish it so that I can write the sequal for this year's Nano - it would be so much easier if I didn't have a real job!!

Hey Akoebel, Just in case you think I've forgotten about it - I just passed Page 300 of Shrouds - on the home stretch. I get a bit read most days and expect to be finished before the end of June (I'm on holiday for 2 weeks in there, which will give me the time I need).

Another two good chapters, if anything, slightly short perhaps. I'm sure that you’re going to continue with these themes, but I felt that there was more to say in places, and that Varus came to his conclusions quite suddenly (detailed comments below). Keep it coming, please! ------------------------------------------- Chapter 10 Page 1 – Scorching first paragraph, what an opening punch – brilliant. - Repetition of the word ‘child’ – substitute ‘son’ for one? - ‘not seeming to dare’ is awkward, why not just ‘clearly not daring’ Page 2 – Somehow, I don’t have a strong image of the events in Gaul – specifically the moment of ‘possession’ by the power or perhaps ‘investiture’ (with the power) is the word. It’s maybe just the episodic nature of reading the story, but I find now that I don’t have a defining image in my mind of that moment. Page 3 – Sometimes Varus’ reactions seem rather simple, he’s such a hard-bitten soldier, mistrustful and isolated, he seems to shed his suspicion very quickly, it’s really quite innocent. Page 5 – There’s something more of the innocence I was referring to in Varus’ sudden-seeming conclusion that Rome is not so bad after all, after one isolated incident. I realise that this is actually the culmination (presumably) of that thread, but it felt a bit constructed to be, like I could see the joins. Chapter 11 Page 5 – For me, ‘He blocked the blow easily.’ i.e. avoiding the split infinitive. I’m sure it’s not heresy, but it’s something I always notice. Page 8 – I'm not keen on ‘the nothing’, I found it awkward to read.

I really enjoyed this chapter, it’s exactly what I was hoping for. I think the timing of delivering the punch was good, leading us into the chapter with a convincing meeting, an emotional outburst, things that work well on their own (I think) and deflect the reader’s attention from the possibility of ambush and conflict until Varus has the thought. I agree that the multiple viewpoints work well, adding a sense of urgency and confusion to the situation. Mandamon also makes a good point about Livia’s death – not something I considered on reading, I think because I was caught up in the fight and its aftermath. And dropped in among the wreckage of the encounter is a genuinely touching and surprising moment, when Cadmia thanks Varus – I’m very keen to see how events play out, especially the possibility of a change in the relationship between Cadmia and Varus – actually challenging her world view – which is very interesting. ------------------------------------------- Page 1 – I like that you lead with dialogue, bringing us straight into events without preamble. Page 4 – I think the sentence ‘This was what Varus knew, the place where he lived to the utmost.’ would have more impact if it ended on ‘lived’. Page 4 – The paragraph ‘Not me you fools...’ bothered me. Why would he pause in a protection spell to urge someone not to attack him – counterintuitive to the max. Page 5 – ...and there it is, the punch-line that I’ve been hoping for, and it’s a doozy. Surprising yet inevitable, and very satisfying – as I start to think about it though, I realise that I'm a bit confused. Does this relate to the torc? It surely doesn’t relate to the curse from the priest, does it? Page 6 – How is his being covered in blood ever a good sign? His awareness of it means he’s still alive, of course, but that’s a rather abstract conclusion. Taken at face value, I thought it implied a certainly bloodthirstiness on Varus’ part which doesn’t seem a part of his character. Page 6 – Among all the powerful images and passages, ‘the ruin of her dress’ is an incredibly powerful phrase. Page 6 – It seemed to me that the end of the chapter came rather abruptly. I felt as if Murena was halfway through what he was saying, and that another page or two of fallout might deliver a punchier conclusion.

I did enjoy this chapter. It’s good to have ‘FitB’ back, and to see some development in the relationship between Cadmia and Varus, the story is always interesting when they sharing page time. I was also pleased about the level of conflict in the chapter, namely Cadmia vs Friends; Cadmia vs Varus, Cadmia, vs Hostus; Varus vs Hostus; Varus vs Haemus. I had no problem with all that in the one chapter, they were at the arena, after all. I felt that we learned more about Cadmia’s life, and about the setting, but it was by no means expositional (in a bad way), because of the conflicts, and there was some progress (not a huge amount certainly) in the plot, but perhaps most importantly a (potentially) significant development in the central relationship between Varus and Cadmia. I came to the end of the chapter feeling that things were poised, and yet I'm not feeling a great deal of tension. I'm hoping that the balloon goes up at the start of the next chapter. As Mandamon said, I think things need to kick-off now into the second part and some major try-fail, with clear definition of what is at stake, personally and globally. More please! ------------------------------------------- Referring to the comments now, not being as complex as Mandamon (but being at least as unnecessary, if not more so!!), I had no problem with the passage of events, but then I am quite easily lead, and therefore perhaps not the most exacting audience. Also, like Mandamon, I think we are due some payoff soon, although the set up has been enjoyable, as there has almost always been something intriguing happening, and reading about the development of interesting characters (within reason!) is never a chore. I share Asmodemon’s concerns about the curse, although my perspective is that it came from the shamanic(?) magic of the Goths, and is therefore distinct from the powers of the ‘Roman’ gods. Or is it...? Not that you are necessarily, but it would be stretching the readers’ suspension of disbelief to ask them to accept that the gods of each society are real in this setting. I’ve managed to convince myself that it’s more likely that there is one set of gods, and that they manifest differently to different peoples. Whatever that case, coming by to Asmodemon’s first point, I felt it was clear enough that Varus got into trouble when he encountered the priest in the street (twice) in previous chapters and ended up being accosted by passersby, but I agree that the effects of the curse have not been overt, nor have they been particularly dire. Perhaps that is coming, but I think the curse could have been better defined initially, and I am also confused about the role of the torc. Perhaps it was me not paying close enough attention (usually the answer), but I feel unclear on whether the shaman cursed Varus when they were fighting , or whether it was his acquisition of the torc that has lead to the curse falling on him. If not, then what is the deal with the torc? ------------------------------------------- Page 2 – The comment ‘And now we suffer the sight of him’ seems harsh for Cadmia. We know she’s got a real attitude, but her father is a soldier after all. I guess she’s showing off for her friends, but I half expected her thoughts to reveal some doubt that she had gone too far. Page 5 – Other than what I felt was an off note in Cadmia’s comment about the tramp, I enjoyed her encounter with Hostus. For a moment, she seems to be holding her own then gets a real comeuppance when he shows the extent of his power – nicely done. I felt that Ludmilla is a bit of a caricature, but Nestia seems intriguing, her behaviour and personality apparently confounding stereotypical expectations engendered by her appearance. Page 5 – You say ‘only half liked’, seeming to suggest she should like it more, but I thought the context implied that it should be surprising that she half liked it at all (i.e. drop the ‘only’?). Then, in the next sentence, we see her eagerness, which I think supports my notion, but the eagerness itself feels contradictory to me because of her attitude to Varus and his nature. Then again, again, does her seeming eagerness to be near these violent men arise from her recent experiences with the god(s?), in which case is she being inconsistent in her attitude towards Varus? I suspect she is in denial, not allowing herself to see his strengths and virtues because she sees him as a usurper of her position. I guess that would bring us back to a position of internal consistency in terms of Cadmia’s behaviour. Am I over-thinking this?, probably, but I still think, drop the ‘only’. Page 6 – ‘gravitas’ – a human trait, which doesn’t rule out applying it to an inanimate object, of course, but this application, I felt, was a bit confused by linking it to the weight of the sword, a short step from there to ‘gravity’. Page 7 – I'm trying to decide if Haemus gives in to Cadmia’s will too easily. I suppose one of the gladiators would see a chance to take advantage (not in that way, of course, but in giving help to a better), it just felt rather too convenient – as if it happened because the story needed it to. I can put that thought behind me though because the exchange with Ludmilla is somewhat unexpected, and then Varus arrives, and I'm all anticipation as to how he will react. Page 8 – I thought Haemus responded a bit too quickly to Varus challenge, as if too eager, not playing it cool enough. As I read on, I see your rationale – the turf thing – but doesn’t Varus have higher status than a gladiator? I'm not saying that would change their reaction, but it might mean that reaction was a transgression, contrary to the expected convention. I don’t like ‘root for less’, feels like a double negative or contradiction in terms, what about ‘She couldn’t decide who least deserved her support.’? I can’t picture how Varus slaps the flat against both of Haemus’ arms, I pictured it as first one then the other, but that would take too long. What happens to the mighty blow, does it land on the floor? I felt that I should know where all that energy ended up. Page 10 – This may be overly pernickety on my part, but I felt that Hostus gave in a little too quickly. The beats of that scene seem standard. i.e. force is applied and is met with indignation/resistance; more force is applied and subject pleads a greater threat hangs over him; questioner persists and subject caves in and tells all. I realise it’s not quite as straightforward as that, and the demonstration of the effect of what’s ‘inside’ Varus (the curse) is nice to see, as that part almost seems forgotten for significant periods and somehow undefined (no doubt purposely). Reading it again, it might be parts of the dialogue that are giving me this impression, not sure you need ‘What do you want to know?’ for example. I like the open reference to a curse, and hope that Cadmia has picked that up, she’s too sharp to let it go passed her without consideration and perhaps comment – I can only wait until the next instalment to find out.

I think this is very accomplished writing, and deserves to be read by a wider audience. My detailed comments are noted below. I have some questions, observations and suggestions, but pretty much all detailed, I found no fault in the plotting, characters or events. I think it could do with a polishing edit, there were some style points that nagged a little as I read – a few split infinitives, word repetition, one or two lapses in dialogue consistency (I thought). But these are largely quibbles. The central idea of pitting a dryad against a siren is a clever one, and I think you’ve carried it off very well, with a cunning conceit to get the dryad onto the water, after which I though events followed logically. My biggest quibble was probably that I never felt that Linaeve or Isidor was in any real danger, nor even Alarin when he disappeared into the hold and was ‘got’ by the husks. What would a solution to that be? Killing Alarin? He’s necessary to the blowing up of the ship, and to the impact of the necessary conclusion when Linaeve and Isidor go over the side so, on balance, I think you have it right - thank you for not copping out! Reviewing others’ comments, I can’t agree with Kuiper. It’s a short piece and I think the pacing is right. For me, snatching the reader away from the ‘romantic’ moments is the right thing to do. Neither you nor the characters have time to dwell on that stuff, and if Linaeve and Isidor get a chance to bond on any level beyond immediate (physical) attraction it causes problems for the final event in the story, in my view. Very well done – now, don’t just sit there, get it polished and submitted! --------------------------------------------------------- Page 1 - The name ‘Linaeve’ did make me think of Nynaeve, sorry! - She would have to taste it ‘in her mouth’ – unnecessary, I think. - Not sure that a stingray can jump. - Repetition of ‘surface’. After the first page, I have been drawn in and I'm keen to read on. There’s an innocent and playful tone that I am enjoying, and that is what holds my attention, although there is still some subtle tension (not knowing who the call has come from) and there has been an attack and death, albeit only a fish. I think this is a good first page. Page 2 - The power of words really is fantastic (no news there). Despite what is a rather harsh and bilogially functional description of Linaeve adjusting to being out of the water, your use of the word ‘sleek’ engenders an image of a body designed to move effortlessly through the water. - I'm not sure it’s the song that is inexperienced – sorry, the smallest details stick in my head. Page 3 - Don’t like ‘tingly’ sounds like a child’s word – why not ‘tingling’? - ‘...the one thing about aspect of her glamour...’ ?? - ‘That’s That was something she had really hated when she was had struggled with her glamour as a youngling...’ ?? Page 4 - I don’t know what Aria’s ‘herald’ is. Page 5 - It’s a very evocative description of Linaeve approaching the ship and her singing with the other entity. I was a bit confused who the warning notes were coming from. Page 7 - I thought ‘Faster she swam’ sounded a bit archaic, like an account from a legend or fairytale, not really in keeping the style of the piece. - Very effective description of her flight to the ship, the persistence of the shark and her real fear as she calls for her matron – well done, I thought. - I'm not keen on the use of ‘floorboards’, I would have thought they were just boards, because it’s not really a floor in the domestic sense. Page 8 - I'm a bit unclear here, the ship has a song? I thought that it someone/thing in or around the ship singing, and I didn’t really pick up on Linaeve realising the difference – maybe I picked it up wrong initially. Page 9 - I would have thought the big wave would have had a more noticeable effect on Linaeve, possibly throwing her across the deck. It sounds like a big shift, but she doesn’t even seem to notice it. - Her reaction to the young sailor is very sudden and gushing – you explain what this is, but the apparent strength of her reaction took me by surprise somewhat. - I thought the description of his clothing went a bit far, detracting from the immediacy of that section. Also, I have never seen the word ‘skit’ in print, not sure what it means, although I can guess from the context. Page 10 - I'm not sure about ‘aft side of the deck’. The aft is the rear of the ship of course, so not sure if you need ‘side of the deck’. - ‘Confidence rose inside of her.’ Page 11 - Nicely handled encounter, really tense, surprising yet inevitable after the foreshadowing with the ‘wooden’ figure Page 16 - The aft 'window' if it’s glass? Page 17 - Nicely handled reveal, I said dryad in my head a couple of lines before Isidor did – surprising yet inevitable; in fact, more like inevitable yet surprising. Page 20 - The fight was nicely described, not all action, but cut-and-thrust interspersed with tactical manoeuvring and changes in tack. Somehow, though I didn’t feel as great a sense of threat as I would have liked. I didn’t feel that Page 21 - I felt that Linaeve sticking her tongue out was a bit incongruous given her state of mind. Page 22 - As I said above, the reveal of the dryad worked well, but I felt that Linaeve’s ‘discovery’ of fire as an option was too obvious, rather telegraphed by having her react so obviously to the torch immediately before the suggestion. You had already foreshadowed this by describing Isidor’s use of the torch to keep the husks at bay, I don’t think you need any more than that, you can go straight to the suggestion of fire as the ultimate sanction against the dryad. - This sentence - “You are going to destroy the ship?” Linaeve asked. The bosun nodded. “Yes, I will help him escape from here.” – bothered me a bit. I thought Alarin’s intention was obvious, especially since she has just asked him to do it, but she comes across rather slow. Her second line sounds awkward. “I will help him escape,” would be sufficient, I think. Page 24 - ‘crumpled’ I think, rather than ‘crumbled’ (ouch!) - I'm not keen on ‘fiddled with something’ – sounds a bit like he’s tying his shoelace. Set me to thinking of alternatives, not immediately obvious; ‘grappled with an unseen object’, ‘distracted by something unseen’, ‘wrestling as if trying to loosen something’ – not sure. Page 25 - There’s something very poignant about song as a weapon – Linaeve’s attempt to fight back Page 28 - Took her down sounds like a modern expression. It makes that piece of dialogue sound Hollywood-ised, when Linaeve has been speaking very properly up to that point. Page 29 - Repetition of the word ‘fire’ three times in two sentences. - It feels like there is a lurch in time between ‘Oil and powder – amazing’ and ‘The ship was gone when the sun set. I think you need a marker to convey that, otherwise it’s jarring. - Repetition of ‘Alarain’ close together. Page 30 - How can a bosun not have an eye for the stars? I don’t buy that. - The only reasonable ending – thank you for not copping out!!

I struggled a bit with this piece, and reading the others’ comments now, I see that I wasn’t alone. Here are my comments, similar to others in places, but maybe there is something distinct in there. The first paragraph didn’t grab my attention, and I felt that the first page read like a military report, perhaps intentionally, because of the east-west, north-south and the description of logistics. I didn’t find that approach particularly interesting. It’s fair enough if you want to establish that a posting to the northern front is lacking in risks and challenges, but there is a danger that the reader finds it as uninteresting as the general. Things pretty much continue in that style. I can understand you not using names (although you do use Johnson, of course), presumably so as not to draw distinction between the sides or create allegiance in the reader’s mind, but I think the outcome is that the reader has to work harder to keep track of what is going on. Another danger is that you succeed in making both sides anonymous and, because of the blankness of the wider context, the reader stops caring about the outcome, which is what I found. I realise that it’s a short piece, and I thought that you were trying to demonstrate the futility of the situation, which is what I took from it, but my overall impression was of a very wordy piece, lacking colour or much drama. Like JP, I struggled to finish because of these issues.

Hurray!

Health warning: I only read the other comments after I've written mine, so apologies for duplication, but I figure the prescriptive might be a bit different anyway. -------------------- Notwithstanding the detailed comments below, which I hope don't come across too harsh, I like the underlying basis of your story. I like some of your ideas, and I think the characters have promise. I think, however that there are some style issues, a bit too wordy in places and some grammar and occasional word choice, but these are all fixable, of course. The main problem for me is that I think there is way too much explanation of the theory. I wonder if you are a RPGer by any chance? I think for most people, certainly for me, stories about about people, not about technicalities and systems, but these are the things that dominate in this chapter. That stuff doesn't matter in the end, it's not why people act the way they do, it's not what drives individuals. For me, emotion is the driver of any story, it's behind everything, but that didn't come across for me. ------------------------------ I like the chapter title. I think there's a danger that 'prophecy' on its own would come across stereotyped, but I think you've dodged that. I have a problem with the hair colour thing. What do you do about colours in between? There are so many shades that it could be almost impossible to establish succession. I would think they would go to war regularly over shades of brown and blond. Also, I'm not sure you can just dismiss red hair so easily. Consider Earth's history. It's been hard enough to deal with hereditary succession in Europe without this added complication. I know very little about genetics, but might not a blonde queen have a black or brown haired baby even aftercare generations of blonde? Is that maybe not likely to some degree? What happens then (and if)? Writing style could be more direct and effective. Here's an example using the first paragraph. Just my opinion, I suppose, but I think it flows better. Please forgive the illustrative edit. [EDIT] "Righor Steel, Journeyer and DragonBound, walked through the city that was now called Airendale. He held his head low, trying to avoid eye contact – his brown wig made it much more important that he do so. In the world of Cryos, monarchy and rule was based on hair color: blond, his true color, was the highest; brown was lower; and black was the lowest. Red hair was so uncommon anywhere but in the Shattered Isles, where things were different, that nobody could guess a redhead's position." On content, I found the first paragraph too much of an info dump, telling not showing. If it's the opening of your book I think you need to make a bigger impact from the off. Reading on, I think your first two paragraphs are out of place. Starting with para 3 would have the reader asking questions instead of reading answers. I'm afraid you've lost me. Shane pulling off Righor's wig brings to mind a rather comical image, then Shane's diatribe sounds like a science lecture. Why would he speak this way in the street, offer all this information to a stranger? To me he sounds like a pompous idiot. The magic / binding system sounds hugely complicated. I think you are going to lose a lot of readers early on by dumping all this info here. To me it would better to deal with characters, let us learn who they are before they start throwing all the technical stuff around. You can have the same events happen without explaining everything to the n-th degree. I think you need to get the reader to buy in to the story first. There's a stray first person sentence starting 'I glanced...' I like the action at the foot of the page. I think you would be more successful in getting readers' attention if this happened much earlier on the page. Page 2 I had a reaction against the cloak colours. Why does everything have to have a major significance? Hair colour, now cloak colour. It strikes me as very artificial. I place the blame for this, to a degree, at the door of Mr. Sanderson. His magic systems are heavily prescriptive and defined by rigidly drawn rules. This, to large extent I think, derives from his maxim (is it one of Sanderson's Laws?) that a magic system must be well defined if you are going to use it to solve problems. All very well, but I think this approach can lead to unrealistic / overly artificial settings and situations. This is my first reaction to how you present hair and cloak colour. For me it's too black-and-white. Life isn't like that, and I found this prevented me from buying into the story and was a barrier to accepting the characters. It's a real danger that they are defined only by their hair and cloaks. I thought Shane gave in too easily for a man that upset. Awk's comment about 'assume' passed me by. I don't know how they divide it. Is it something to do with 'chull'? If jokes don't work the leave the reader confused. Page 3 Righor seems to have become a teenager. I 'completely' hate riddles. I have 'literally' ever heard. The last line is two lines with alternate words, I think? If I'm right, then I think that's rather clever. I'm told I've got a knack for puzzles, but I think the majority of readers would either not try to work it out, or might take longer. If I'm not right, then it's definitely clever!! : o ) An example of show-don't-tell. "Of course, days for me are so confusing..." his grin faded, and he got some sort of far-off look in his eyes." I would say you can end this sentence on '...grin faded.' Your reader will be capable of working out that something internal has given Awk pause. Use of the word 'spoilers' took me out of test story. To me, that is a modern word. Unless Awk is supposed to be a time traveller, then I don't think that's appropriate. I didn't like the verbal byplay about dishes insults. For me it wasn't funny, because it's out of context for the story and doesn't add anything. It didn't help that I'm not sure it makes sense. Awk doesn't say 'insults dishes', but then seems to change his story half way through. In the last paragraph of Page 3, do you mean consciousness rather than conscience? Page 4 The line on which you end the section feels awkward, dragons are rare but not. It's an odd line in itself and leaves the section hanging. The centre of a continent seems an odd notion for measuring distance. Would you say 'it felt strange how close to the centre of America they had got'? Maybe it's just me - I thought it would be more relevant to referee a place, like a city. His sword could just be metal. If everything about a character is special / the best ever, he becomes a super hero and therefore more powerful then everyone else, which is boring. Similarly does not equal 'the same', you don't need to repeat it. With the long explanation about the sword you lose the sense of urgency of the fight.

LMAO

....to that particular story, and in the best way possible!!

LOL, maybe I should have read that back!!! But I suppose we're all complicated creatures in the end.

I'm not sure about Protagonist working as an adept hunter, but I like the version you describe where Cole is the ultimate architect of his own downfall when he demands the casket to be opened. It wouldn't need to contain all of Rolondo's remains, just his head, thereby addressing the weight issue. Like Mandamon, The Wasting Room itself seems very complicated, and doesn't actually seem necessary to the story. I'm sure it deserves to be the title of the story, which it would do if the decisive scene took place there - The Auction Room would almost be a more deserving title. Some of the stuff about how aether magic fitsd into society is probably too involved to fit into a piece of this size, as Mandamon suggests. To me that would point you towards lengthening the piece. I think there are enough ideas to warrant that, and it would allow you to take the Eril / Protag relationship further.

I think I may be going the long we around to say things that Andy and Mandamon have said too, but hey ho, here are my comments before reading the forum, which I think give you my answers to your questions. Despite the diatribe below (apologies), and my fairly extensive and detailed comments on earlier sections (more apologies), I have enjoyed The Wasting Room. True, I have been unconvinced with the mechanics of the action in several places, and I think there are various things that need rethinking, but those things are fixable, should you agree with the comments! There are also some (recurring) language issues, again eminently fixable. I like the feel of the world, and that you did not name the protagonist. I like the idea of aether, although felt it was a bit underused. I get that it is scarce, and so was troubled how easily Protagonist found a plentiful supply suitable for his purpose (too easy), with no explanation. For me, Protagonist gained Cole’s confidence too easily. I think it would play better Cole was harder to catch, perhaps even attempted a half-hearted double cross. Eril’s character was good though, she certainly came across as having a mind of her own and brooking no nonsense, not just a token female, although it’s a pity she didn’t have more to do. In summary then, for me, it needs several more passes, but I think the story deserves to have that attention to make it better. I think it could bear expansion too, which I think would come naturally if you end up exploring any of my suggestions. Thanks for sharing and good luck with it! -------------------------------------------------------------- Page 1 - There are places you could consider more immediate language to inject more urgency into the tone (if that's what you want). For example, instead of ' I grab aholdhold of the rope and scramble back onto the roof.' > 'I grab the rope and scramble back to the roof.' Page 1 - Repetition of 'guest hall' close together, and rear x2 in the same sentence. Also, 'vehicles and luggage' doesn't sound right to me, as one of them is loaded on and off, whereas the other is the origin or destination involved in the loading. Page 1 - ' parallel wheel runs running along them' - ouch : ) - I would describe the wheel runs as tracks or ruts, also wheel tracks would be parallel by definition, so probably don't need to say it, readers will form that image for themselves. Page 1 - I'm struggling with the layout. The description of the different pathways sounds as if he can see long distances into the estate, but I'm imagining him in a quadrangle, without any long views, because he is able to look at doors at ground level, so they must be opposite or at worst perpendicular to his vantage point. Also, I'm not sure how he can see such details of these different paths in the dark, as I can't imagine they would be as well lit as public paths today given level of technology, cost of lighting to a private purse, etc. But my biggest concern is the layout of these paths, as noted. Page 2 - There's a lot of description him sneaking about, but as I've said, I can't get away from picturing a courtyard in which guards are stationed, so I'm struggling to suspend disbelief that he can just 'sneak' up to and under a carriage in this way. Sorry to repeat, but I don't think the distances and lines of sight work. Page 3 - Calling everything an 'item' sounded clumsy to my ear. Dinner items are food, aren't they? And auction items could be described as auction pieces or lots, more precise term for something to be auctioned. Page 3 - I struggle a bit with the image of the carriage going into the building, horses and all. That means devoting a sizeable area of a valuable building to horses just so a carriage can be offloaded under cover. I think that you would struggle to find an example of such a design in the floor plans of a building of the era that I am picturing. You might say that it's because of the value of the cargo. I would ask how often are auctions held here, is the waste of space really justified? Also, consider the smell. There's a good chance that the horses will do some unloading of their own while in there, and that could pervade the house, disturbing the guests. Furthermore, see my point below, if the cargo is valuable enough to devote space to inside loading, why are there no guards in the room? Page 4 - Repetition of the word 'continue'. I've always felt word repetition sounds disjointed. There's always an alternative word(s) that will serve the purpose (e.g. 'go on' in this case maybe). There are, however, ways to make the repetition work by drawing attention to it, for example ' Her bored companion offers her no invitation to continue, but continue she does'. Page 4 – If the cargo is so valuable, why would they leave it unguarded? Page 4 – Hmm, now here’s a problem with first person, present tense. I don’t see a basis for the narrator withholding knowledge of what he’s putting in the casket. It’s obviously meant to be a surprise for the reader later, but there’s no way he describes it to himself in various details (size, weight, etc.) rather than just thinking of it as what it is – that feels like cheating. Page 5 – Again you use the word estate to describe the building. I commented on this before, I think, the estate is everything within the grounds. Page 5 – ‘damning testament to my shenanigans’ – that’s a great phrase. Page 7 – He left the rope hanging?! I guess he might not have had a choice depending on how he tied it, but that seems very risky. If he commands air, could he not float it back up to the roof then float it down again if he needed it? He doesn’t seem to use his special abilities much. They are almost superfluous to the story, so far. Page 7 – Also, my problem with the layout of the estate has resurfaced again. He seems to spend very little time under the carriage before it stops again. If they are going to use a carriage, and it’s going to do something else, it could well be travelling miles away, but it only seems to make very short journey so, conveniently for the story, he is back at the Guest Hall very quickly. I think you need to think about the scale of the estate and the distances involved, map it out and think about travel times, etc. You don’t need to quote these in the story of course, perish the thought, but I think it needs to be thought through so that the timing and distances are plausible. Page 8 – I think you deal with the revelation of Rolondo’s head in a rather matter-of-fact way, I think it should be more dramatic. When it appears, you don’t reveal it right away, but describe it as ‘something’, but everyone in the room can see what it is, and Protagonist knows what it is, so the reader is in the only one who does not – that makes no sense to me. I think the crowd should be in uproar right away, but you insert a paragraph of slow, calm consideration when we should be getting an immediate reaction from the crowd – fear, revulsion, shock, horror – I'm not feeling any of those, partly because I don’t think the reveal is surprising, given what you described when Protagonist encountered Rolondo’s body. Page 8 – All this said, I like the set up of your plot, tricking Cole into playing the role of Rolondo, to first be revealed as an imposter, presumably with worse to come, is a nice idea, and we learn here that Protagonist’s goals are (presumably) more noble than we might have thought, bringing Cole to justice and all. I think Protagonist crouching down in front of Rolondo’s body with a knife makes the reveal too obvious. For me, you would rework that to try and disguise it. Page 9 – There’s a lot to like about how you handle Protagonist’s flight. I like very much that it takes a ‘huge’ (my word) amount of aether to achieve a very short flight, and it’s over very quickly. The problem arises from my earlier comment about his finding the aether. I think that’s a real problem. I can’t believe that there are four air adepts in rooms next to each, and they keep their aether supply where anyone could take it, it’s just not plausible. If air adepts are so common on the Bastielle Estate, then the duke/lord, who presumably supplies their aether, would have employed the ability of flight to his benefit, surely. I think you need to revise how Protagonist comes by the aether in the first place. Page 10 – No, sorry, I can’t accept ‘oof’. It’s not a cartoon speech bubble situation. That was a comedy moment. Page 11 – ‘And the people along this street have already begun the day by emptying their chamberpotschamber pots into the street.’ – Let the reader make the connection, it has more impact. Page 11 – ‘If the smell of piss was enough to bother me, I'd have quit this line of work long ago.’ – Great line. Page 13 – It’s not self-immolation unless he sets himself on fire, which I presume is not the case, just plane immolation. Page 14 – Sorry, but ‘smooth criminal’ takes me straight to the Michael Jackson song. Page 15 – I like the last scene, although I think it needs polishing. I like that Protagonist encounters an unexpected conflict at the end, but it resolves well. I think it could have a bit more punch, like she has the spear (or a knife) at his throat, and we’re not sure if she’s going to kill him kind of tension. In the end though, it’s nice that you finish with a moment of human contact, and the implication that there is, or could be, more between them. You leave the reader feeling optimistic (I think), and somewhat uplifted (for me anyway), and also with a punch-line which lingers, which I think is the right way to go – and it’s a nice line.

Ok, I see that I'm going to echo what Andy and Mandamon have said, but I'm going to take WAY more words to do it (how like me, eh? Cackle). One or two minor points on Chapter 5, but I enjoyed it overall. I like Protagonist’s conversation with the body of Rolondo, nice idea, maybe some polish on the actual dialogue. Similarly, I liked the byplay between Proto and Cole. I think my biggest concern is that the chapters are rather slight. There isn’t a great deal of substance or depth to them, Proto goes from A to B to C rather matter-of-factly, without much conflict. I'm sure you’ve got that covered, but I hope we’re building to a nice meaty try-fail before too long. Chapter 6 got me thinking about the mechanics of things, detailed comments below. I like the chain of events fine, but there were some unconvincing elements for me (see below). I still like the way the story is going. Protagonist has a certain brash confidence about him which I like, but as I say, I'm looking forward to him encountering a reverse in fortune to see how he deals with it. Cole seems a bit too compliant. Maybe he’s just playing along and plans a double cross? I will need to keep reading to find out! --------------------------------------------------------- Page 2 – One criminal killing another one sounds like justice to me. Page 3 – ‘crime things’ sounds like something a child would say. Is Proto being ironic? I didn’t get that sense from the way he spoke. Page 3 – I'm not convinced that Cole at least would permit their noses to touch, that’s a very personal gesture. I don’t think it’s consistent with their behaviour to date, Cole’s not certainly. I don’t really see that it’s necessary anyway, as nothing is made of it. Page 5 – ‘Bastielle Estate, the twilight has faded...’ – it being a name, needs caps. Page 5 – ‘...I saw you turn the lock myself.’ – He turns the key, not the look, presumably. Page 5 – Considering he is faced with Lord Rolondo, the guard speaks very disrespectfully. I presume he hasn’t greeted other guests like that, so his behaviour seems out of place. Page 6 – I'm not keen on ‘guest hall’ – perhaps Reception Hall or Banqueting Hall. (Ah, there it is.) Page 6 – Again, the attendant speaks to Cole/Rolondo with a complete lack of respect and familiarity that can’t be consistent with their relative station in life, surely. Page 7 – ‘As I was explaining to this poor girl, I'm afraid the lord has imbibed a portion of wine perhaps too generous for his own good.’ This is too complicated and flowery for my liking (and I like me some flowery dialogue, from time to time). Page 8 – I think economy would make your dialogue more convincing, for example ‘I believe that we should be able to make ourself [sic] back to the party without any trouble once the lord has had the chance to recover his senses. ‘ VERSUS ‘I'm sure we can find our way back when his lordship feels recovered.’ Page 8 – There are several repetitions of ‘guest hall’ towards the end of the page which sound cluttered, I think you could just say ‘hall’ by that point, as the reader knows what you’re referring to. Page 8 – Not ‘peak’, but ‘peek’. Page 8 – I'm a bit disoriented by Proto noting the risk of being seen – so this must be a different location from the one he just roped up? Page 9 – I think ‘occupy me’ or ‘distract me’ would be better than ‘keep me company’, which sounds like something a child would need. Page 9 – I'm not convinced with the guards’ dialogue, I think they are too well spoken and it’s rather maid-and-butler. A good tip is to say it out loud or even read it back and forth with a willing friend. I think you would quickly get a sense that it sounds rather am-dram – stilted even. Another trick is to listen to the work of some renowned dialogue specialists, like Tarantino, Joss Whedon or Aaron Sorkin, snappy, entertaining stuff. It’s not the content, I think your right to convey these things, good small talk for guards – it’s the way it comes across. Page 10 – I had a P.O.V. moment here – can Proto see the guards (the hand on the shoulder)? They would need to be across the way surely, but if he can see them there’s a risk he would be visible. Page 10 – The phrases ‘put a rag in it’ and ‘put a sock in it’, I think, are too similar. I think a simple ‘stuff it’ or ‘screw you’ would be less polite and more convincing. Page 10 – But he’s not invisible really. I found myself doubting that the previous guards would have any better night vision than the new ones if they had a lantern sitting next to them – I'm not sure, maybe I'm over thinking that. Page 11 – The description of the jump is quite long, certainly for the run up, which I though detracted from the immediacy of it. I think you could consider shortening that a bit. He runs up, plants his foot and pushes off – that’s really all that’s involved. Page 11 – I take it the roof he lands on is flat – not impossible of course, but I tend to think of that as a modern abomination. Flat roofs can be fiendishly awkward to get cross-falls correct (workmanship-wise) for drainage, which is why most historical architecture features pitches roofs (unless you’re in a hot, dry climate). A flat roof is going to have water spending longer on it, so needs to be waterproof. This, for me, begs a question about technology level, which I'm not 100% on. Page 11 – Another thought, if Proto can manipulate air, is it beyond him to trick with the density (for resistance) or temperature (for uplift) to assist his jump? Page 12 – He tightens his grip on the air twice close together. Also, I don’t think a fully grown man concentrating his entire mass in his heels would take so many attempt to go through a pair of shutters, unless there is a fairly chunky bar behind them, which doesn’t seem likely on every window in the place. Page 12 – How can he reach the loose roof tiles when he’s in the room? It seems to me that, for the rope to be long enough for him to swing against the shutter he would be out of reach of the roof. Tiles take me back to my earlier comment. This does not sound like a flat roof, so scratch what I said before, but my new comment is, how did he slide on the roof if it was pitched, and tiled? Page 12 – I think your dialogue for the guards here is much better, snappier, less wordy and therefore more convincing. Love the word ‘noggin’! Bit hobbity, possibly, but good. Page 12 – I'm thinking now that his manipulation of air is more a manipulation of sound – this goes back to my earlier comment about him affecting density and temperature. Page 13 – I think ‘are afforded the luxury of having a room of their own’. Page 13 – Nice line about lock-picking, I like what you did there, easy if you can suppress the sound, I suppose. Page 13 – ‘moons’ seems an unsophisticated word in this setting, do they not have months? Page 13 – It seemed way too easy for him to find one phial in each of the first four rooms. Things never work out so conveniently in the real world. This then comes back to Suspension of Disbelief, which I’ve just listened to the podcast on as it happens (Season 6, Ep.14) – (Ha ha, that’s convenient – Ed.). Are there so many air adepts? It’s like Bastielle has a whole army of them. Why does he not encounter some other kind of adepts (which I think you said exist)? I think it would be more convincing for him to find just one phial – still a small chance though in the first room he goes into – maybe he searches four rooms before he finds one phial – just something to consider.

Kitchen maid of Orleans - nice one!