Robinski

Funny, I always think of tea as coming from India, or Ceylon (ha, age giveaway!). Yeah, okay, I take your point - I felt it was a description of the language, possibly because that was the topic of the narrative at that point - anyway, it's a detail. And I'm Scottish, by the way... ...and British.

We, this is certainly a week for interesting submissions (apart from mine of course, bog standard fantasy slush). Flash fiction is something I know very little about but, as usual, that don’t mean I ain’t formed an opinion! It feels churlish to say it, but the English could do with some polishing, particularly given that you refer to the Queen’s English, some of the language is quite distracting – the tenses in particular. On that subject, you refer to British – which, as a language, doesn’t exist. I see that Wiki cites the term British English as distinct from American English, seeming to use the term to apply to English that is spoken outwith Great Britain – for example in the Commonwealth or in the European Union. The subject of you story, which I take to be communication, is an interesting one. I also liked the travelogue feel and the reference to German place names – Berlin is somewhere that I am interested to visit in the future. I guess my difficulty comes down to the fact that I'm not sure what to take from the story. I didn’t really learn anything of great significance about the character so, other than being invited to think a little about communication and navigation, I'm not sure what I got from it. This may be down to me, however, as I have read almost no flash fiction, but I would still expect some conflict, an arc of some sort, and some kind of character development (albeit very limited!). I guess the narrator did gain some insight into helping someone on the street, even thought he was lost himself, and from that, he found his own way - perhaps I took more from this that I realised initially. Oh, and I refuse to accept the existance of "fused words" - 'alot' is not a word, neither is 'nevermind' - where would we be if everyone went around inventing their own words? We'd be deep in the finglesnort, that's where.

I'm impressed with the scope of your ambition. This is not a mode of story that I can recall seeing on RE before, very enjoyable therefore to encounter it and to read it. It also presents a challenge in critiquing, because I'm not sure that I understand it, or that I'm meant to, per se. In other words, the problem is with me, not the story. Anyway, here goes... Mark I -- The dates are intriguing, they make me wonder if they are references to actual events, or a fictional trail with no wider significance. I presume the latter, because there are no overt flags to actual events, and the benchmarks in powered flight, jet flight, etc. are earlier. Also, what is 'hypnic'? Mark VI -- seems to be referred to as Mark III in the text. Is that a typo or a deliberate mis-reference? Mark X -- chasse = chassis? Also, in Mark I the narrator says he is flight, and then here, he is not flight. This seems to suggest learning on the part of the narrator. Mark 0 -- the line about the caves being unconcerned bothered me a bit. It's very interesting and engaging writing. The end is particularly thought-provoking but, ultimately, I don't really understand what's happening. The story certain made me think, and its novelty was enjoyable, but I'm not sure how entertained or satisfied I was. I suspect I will continue to think about this for sometime afterwards, which I think is perhaps more to the point. Thank you for sharing - it's good to get more of your work, it has been a while ;-)

A shorter submission this week, since the end of Chapter 3 offers a good break point. The potential down side of that is a dearth of action (welcome to another Robinski submission!). What you get here is a challenge for me, exposition dealt with largely through dialogue or personal monologue. You’re comments will be greatly appreciated. Covelle and Dyllis escaped from The Crowded Inn as the Duke’s Guard arrived, taking Benam into custody. Dyllis is a fugitive, so hopefully it doesn’t need stating that she goes with Covelle since he aided her in escaping her pursuers. He had led her through dark backstreets to a cottage in a quiet area of town on the hill above the port. Comments gratefully received. Thanks for reading. Cheers, Robinski

I think there is some good stuff in this first submission but, as others have said, I think it is weighed down by some problems and a great deal of (seemingly unnecessary) detail, such that the reader has to work pretty hard to get to what’s important. JP captured a lot of my specific feelings about the piece, and also the encouragement that I too would want to emphasise – keep writing, revising, submitting – take the comments that you agree with, but also keep what you believe is right. I had a lot of detailed comments (I hear you all groaning!), but I’ve binned those in favour of a few quick bullets, but before that, a comment on the science bit and consistency. Interesting opening to Chp.1, but watch the sound references. If you’re going to use “refracted” then saying “rang off” is jarring, when “reflected” would be the equivalent scientific term. Similarly, I think you need to stick to the scientific language if you’re using it, so the ringing (sound waves) would refract “around” a boundary, rather than “off” it. And I would say the sound was “transmitted through” the cardboard cut-out”. I was confused over who was taking the photograph (page 2) Good teenage dialogue, don’t care if it’s stereotyped (page 3) Like the Church de Soleil line – very good (page 4) Style very elaborate In Late, Out Early – irrelevant dialogue ending phone conversation (page 10) Everyone’s turned up to 11, when drama/excitement comes up there’s nowhere left to go Time stamp is distracting and seems irrelevant – why not just have years? It’s great to have new blood (muah ha-ha), delighted you’ve joined and look forward to reading more of your stuff.

This is certainly a well written story. Some of the language is maybe just beyond the line of flowery for me but, overall, I thought it flowed very well – notwithstanding some grammar points, and what looked like partial edits – all easily scooped up in editing, of course. It’s very much in a fairytale style, and well done at that. I thought Arri’s slaying of the dragon felt unsatisfying, perhaps because it was too easy – I appreciate it’s a short, but there was no try-fail and the girl didn’t really have to struggle with anything. I guess the carefully laid plan is a valid fairytale trope, so it’s not a major issue for me. I think the main thing for me was that I really didn’t care for Arri as a character, or all that much about what happened to her. I'm not sure anyone in the story was especially likeable, and the matriarch didn’t do anything to make her especially unlikeable. A well written, interesting story, with some very clever touches, but I never really felt enthralled by it. --------------------------------------------------------- Page 1 – A linen ‘blanket’ sounds more like a sheet, but what do I know. Page 2 – I think her hair would either by “woven into the band” or “used in the creation of the band.” Page 4 – She refers to “the spine” – is that the spine of the female? I don’t think it’s clear. Also, I think just “the greater her rage will be.” Page 4 – "bathed in shadows", sounded off to me. Perhaps "swathed in shadows"? Also, unsure about the application of “resonance” in the last paragraph. Page 13 – I'm not convinced by the matriarch just standing there and allowing Arri to stab her in the eye. Page 15 – LOL, Theo finishing his novel is a bit meta, but it’s fun, I did laugh.

If there's a slot on Monday, I'd like to submit more of Waifs and Strays, I think I'm still in credit!

@CommandanteLemming: Welcome to Reading Excuses and thank you kindly for your comments. I note what you say on style - it's something I would expect to pick up in the edit, but I will keep your observations in mind when that time comes, and going forward from here. Regardless of the whys and wherefores, if there's any confusion on the dialogue, I need to address it. It's Benam who shouts "Stay there..." through the door, but I've tweaked it very slightly to make that clearer. I have also added an attribution to the soldiers who capture Benam in the lane, thank you. My intention with the door latch/knob is that Dyllis melts it shut/locked. They are in the lane and can't bar the door into the building/kitchen, because the bar is on the inside, so she melts the outside latch so that Benam can't get out, or is at least delayed. He then breaks the door open, which Covelle and Dyllis from the roof opposite, above the lane. I agree it's not entirely clear, I'll fix this. I'm pleased that you like a lot of the description. I think "splinter" is onomatopoeic - glad it worked for you.

@Asmodemon: Thank you reading further, I know you've got issues with the story, so I appreciate you persevering. I note what you say about the content. I'm trying to build character and show things in the world, but I accept I haven't necessarily nailed all of that yet. The men in the alley (there were three, one downed by Covelle), came at the back door (barred by Covelle when he a Dyllis came back into the kitchen) tried to break it in, 'forcing' C&D back into the common room. I think the missing link is the reason for the kingsmen's leaving as the crowd then the Duke's Guard arrive. I'll look at that again. I will also look at Dyllis's passivity. I think there's a case to say that she's a bit overwhelmed by being caught, then escaping, unfamiliar town, etc. The scene between Covelle and Dyllis continues to the end of this chapter, and is my opportunity to address your points on her. I had a scene that flagged the position of casting in society, but I cut it because it was another POV. I'll try and work that information back in somewhere, which should not be too difficult, I think. I note what you say about the kingsmen, I've had various comments about skipping the scene where Benam fights them, so I'm pretty much certain I will put it in. Thank you again for reading.

@Andy: Thank you, sir, very helpful comments. I see that you're right on the Nertin / Benam scene - there should be more conflict. I wanted Nertin to be reasonable, but there should be more conflict, because Benam has a temper, and should be feeling / showing more desperation/frustration at his situation. The remainder of the chapter is between Covelle and Dyllis - it's written, but I will revise before Monday submission (slots permitting), since I can see that I have to nail that, and you have helpfully underlined that for me. Also, pleased that you find it readable, but obvs need to get the content right too. Many thanks. @JP: I like your suggestion of Covelle being intollerant of Dyllis's unfamiliarity. I don't want to stir up a big conflict between them because of his motivation toward her, but I think I can flirt with it and add, something to that passage. Thank you.

I'm possibly the worst qualified person to help you - I'd need to do the research myself before I could offer anything but the most basic response. Sorry, and good luck with your idea.

...and anyway, I think your title is more dynamic and interesting, and inviting - but then I would say that.

No, never heard of the fella.

Ah, the return of Varus, sort of. I'm glad to hear that Fire in the Blood is finished – I would be glad to read it sometime, as I was definitely interested in the characters and keen to see how it turned out – although I say that hesitantly given my current reading slate!! Anyway, this was a good introduction I thought, plenty going on and some gritty dialogue to chew over. The flogging of the rebellious hero against the mast is not a new trope, certainly, but I thought it came over pretty well. I liked that Varus seemed to decide to give in rather than being broken. I lost my way a bit in the conversation when Murena, Julius and the General were talking over him. It seemed to me that Murena was trying to manoeuvre the general into letting him go, or maybe I'm imposing that interpretation because of my knowledge of what comes after, but I did feel that the ebb and flow of the dialogue could be tightened up for clarity of purpose. Looking at my comment below on the last paragraph again, I think I'm feeling that those two punch lines are a bit cheesy / clichéd. I can hear Sly Stallone and JCVD grunting them at the end of Act 1 of a Michael Bay movie. All in all, good stuff, good conflicts and promising characters. I'm looking forward to the next instalment. --------------------------------------------------------- Page 3 – Did Romans wear chain mail? Page 11 – Something in the last paragraph felt awkward to me. ‘Just need less enemies’ kind of felt like the punch line, but then the subject changes to Varus’ feud with Julius. I think my feeling was discomfort at two short unrelated lines so closer together, somehow a bit jarring. Also, I realise Varus is a legionary and not necessarily schooled in grammar, and that’s the reason he says ‘less’ enemies instead of ‘fewer’.

Thank you, JP, I hear you on the guiding thing - I will look at softening that - I didn't intend for Dyllis's sight to be impaired, and I guess her night vision should not be so much worse than Covelle's. Is unfamiliarity with the streets and his urgency to escape enough to justify it? Possibly not. In these moments of little happening I'm always trying to build character and towards the plot, but I accept that it's often not obvious how, and that perhaps some more overt signs are needed. I like to reveal slowly, try to build a sense that there are undercurrents, but if that doesn't work for the reader and the hints are too vague then I need to fix it. On the plus side, I hope, the next submission (which is the rest of this chapter), involves people talking about what happened : o) Thanks again for reading.

Huzzah! Have another on me (I'll email you a fiver). Joking aside, really impressed, can't imagine how much work went into it - and really looking forward to reading it.

I really enjoyed this chapter. There was plenty of activity and action in the second half, and it fairly clipped along at a good pace. I felt that there were some issues, noted below, but nothing show-stopping. I don’t think Spire was up to the quality /depth of many of the other characters in set-up or dialogue. I mention some confusion in telling the sisters apart, but Necenna came across really well. I was sorry for the outcome of the chapter, as I feel that XXXXXX (spoiler alert!) is a good character, full of flaws and a great source of conflict, but I understand why it had to happen. I'm hoping that there are more submissions in the pipeline as I am keen to see where this goes. --------------------------------------------------------- Comments on comments: I agree with Andy on the reveal. I couldn’t put my finger on it and so said nothing, but Andy has nailed that point. On your question – I don’t think it’s too late at all, the story to this point is packed full of great characters and vivid description, I think it easily carries the reader through to this point. On the length thing, I think you can easily cut out another 500 words without changing anything of the sense of the chapter. Some of the phrasing is a little wordy. Since you sent a Word file (you mad fool!! ;-), I had a go and saved 120 words in the first four pages. I’ll email it to you to illustrate what I mean, but it’s pretty straightforward stuff, I think, example below, which saves 4 words in a 15 word sentence. I hope you don't think it's presumptuous, just tell me to can it if I've crossed the line. Pulling out the cork of Uncorking the already-opened bottle, her eyes watered immediately at the intense aroma. --------------------------------------------------------- Page 4 – So, Necenna is sister to Lemila and Fyla? There are a lot of female characters, in particular I don’t have a great sense of a difference between Necenna and Lemila, so far. Also, you say there are two bottles of clannich, then refer to Mochlaggan (great name). This threw me – are these the same thing?* And a pint flask is a big bulky thing. I know I'm judging by current standards, but a standard whiskey bottle is 700ml – a pint is 568ml – I accept that your world may be different – but by my standards, and I suspect those of most readers who know something about whisky or drinking spirits, or even just volumes, she couldn’t get a pint out of a half-finished standard bottle of whisky. This means that, either the bottle of whiskey is over a litre – which would be huge, or she takes less. If she took less, she could have it in a smaller flask, which would be much more portable. If this stuff is so valuable, taking such a large amount to Stenne seems unnecessary. And the absence of a pint of whisky will be massively noticeable, because she’s finished the bottle and started on the next one. The short version of the above is that I wasn’t convinced by the treatment of her taking the whisky. Page 5 – So, Muse = Lemila and Cenna = Necenna. I know you’ve heard this before in relation to Kinetic vs. Calum, but I'm struggling to keep the characters straight with only one name. Them having two is really confusing. I really like the talk about gears as a personal thing, a part of Lemila’s anatomy. This scene between the sisters is really enjoyable – I like the way Necenna calls her ‘bitch’ and yet helps Lemila – showing that siblings are often operating on the basis of mixed emotions. I don’t have any myself, but it’s still familiar as my wife has a sister – very authentic. Also, the shear techi-ness of scene and its juxtaposition of gears and human physicality are very effective. There’s even a hint of the risqué in reference to the movement of the skirt (probably my warped mind, forget I said that). The reference to the shark attack is maid-and-butler – I don’t see that Lemila would say that since they both know about it. Page 8 – I'm not quite sure where Lemila is – is she locked in the dressing room? Page 10 – *So they call whisky clannich, but you describe it as whisky for the reader, so that the reader knows what clannich is? Seems a bit awkward in the reading, somewhat confusing, I think. Page 11 – Stenne refers to the difference in height between the sisters in terms of hands. Do you mean this to be the thickness of the hand? Not sure if you’re aware, but there is an actual application of the ‘hand’ as a measurement of height with respect to horses, but that is the ‘span’ of the hand from heel to thumb, taken as 4”, apparently. I think the result would be most people picturing a difference in height of “a few hands” being one or two feet, which doesn’t seem right if they are sisters. Page 13 – Humour is a difficult thing to get right. For me, the “main-mainten- upkeep” gag is as old as the hills, and comes over as cliché, but others might laugh out loud. Also, you say “a bottle of cheap clannich” – what happened to the rest of the Machlaggan? And I like the way you put across her trying another pocket as she bumped into him. Page 15 – I thought that line “You ruined my debut, and now you ruin my revenge,” sounded a bit comically villainous – I imagined moustache twirling. Page 15 – I don’t understand the line “Muse,” Necenna groaned. “Not. Helping.” Muse seems to be used by different people to refer to different things – if it was explained in the first chapter, I’ve forgotten the correct used by now – I thought it was a person at first. Page 16 – Ah, ‘muse’ is used as a curse, as in taking the deity’s name in vain. I'm not convinced about it because the word ‘muse’ is not particularly harsh, unlike many other curses, and the name of the son of God, which is quite a harsh-sounding word.

No overlaps with previous material this week, I promise. Previously on ‘Waifs and Strays’: In a chance encounter at another tavern, Benam aroused Covelle’s suspicions. Covelle followed Benam to the Crowded Inn, gripped by a need to learn if Benam was onto him. Before Covelle had a chance to discover what’s what, a group of menacing riders pursuing a young woman, who turned out to be a caster, invaded the inn. Reasoning failed and the riders attacked. Covelle, who has long been fascinated by tales and rumours of casters, attempted to escape with Dyllis in tow, but was turned back. As always, your comments will be greatly appreciated. Cheers, Robinski

For my part, I think it's certainly an improvement. I'm sure they could be at it all day trawling through the morale implications, and it's going to be a theme that runs through the story, no doubt, but I think it's a descent start at setting out Paul's position early on.

No takers so far? I will submit another portion of Waifs and Strays then, unless there is a flood of last minute entries, seeing as how I'm a glutton for punishment ;-)

@CommandanteLemming: Thank you for your comments, much appreciated and very helpful. I'm glad the action worked for you, I'm happy to accept the swashbuckler tag. I’ll go back through blocking when I edit. As to the dialogue, I thought with Covelle and Dyllis being alone in the kitchen, it was traceable, but I’ll review. Similarly, I'm sure I’ll tidy up the pace when I'm editing. To some extent I was going for a breathless feel, but that’s not the same as the writing coming over rushed, so I will look at that. Thanks again, and welcome to Reading Excuses. If you want to read from the start, I'm happy to email you the first two submission if you PM me your email.

@JP: Sorry this didn’t work for you. I wasn’t conscious of bashing it out, but I would normally have at least one pass before submitting, which I didn’t get here. That said, I stand by it, no doubt it will change in the edit (has already), but it’s not that far off what I was going for. As to Covelle’s response, I reckon a good wordsmith knows when to be erudite and when to be simple and direct. Dyllis shoots some flames at the man’s face, she doesn’t set him on fire. Also, I'm pretty sure I’ve done nothing to imply that she’s a good caster. In the ex-prologue she manages a light which quickly goes out when she gets stressed. It’s difficult to do anything justice in terms of character development in 2,000 words, and why would you want to, this is long view stuff. Suffice to say there is more to it. Glad that the one Benam line worked for you, I’ll try to spruce up the chum for my next submission. @Asmodemon: Glad to hear that you found something engaging here, and that you’re interested in the development. Very interested in your perception of Covelle, in my estimate, a successful criminal needs to act at the right time – by his assessment, but act nonetheless. I take you point about him speaking, but at that point he is trapped. On conflict, I note what you say in relation to coincidence and relationship to the characters. If a different set of people had been in the inn when Dyllis burst in, no doubt I’d be writing about them. On Covelle’s line, you may well be right, I'm going to consider that. I’ll look at the continuity again, I’ve made a couple of tweaks, but I’ve got to say I thought it was clear. Benam leaves the Crowded Inn and goes for a walk where he meets the young guy and goes in to a different tavern for a drink. He previously arranged to return to the Crowded Inn to get a haircut, so he goes back there. I can’t name Ahma at first because it’s Covelle’s pov and he doesn’t know her name, although I’ve changed things somewhat so that I can mention her name earlier. @Andy: Thank you for your comments, always welcome and useful. Covelle’s comment is not coming through well for a lot of people, so I'm almost resolved to change that. I can’t say too much about the helpless girl comment. I know what you mean about the action, but stuff happens to people all the time whether they like it or not, it becomes relevant pretty quickly when you’re in the middle of it :-)

(Initial post scriptum - apologies for the long post. I hope it helps. Sorry to hear you're taking a pause, consider the Alpha Readers, more on which below - and hope to read something new from you soon.) I found these chapters pretty effective. Michael felt a bit clichéd in places, I thought, but there was an enjoyable Hollywood kind of quality to him, which I think fits the tone of the story. I like that Candace's progress with the sword is slow, but noticeable, although that might give issues later, I suppose, if you really need her to perform. I think my main difficulty was with her fear of flying, which I can't remember being foreshadowed. I thought it felt a bit convenient as a story mechanism. I suspect she might be placed in some situation later on where she has to fly or fail, fair enough, but I hope it's dealt with from a different angle, 'cause protagonist overcomes deep-rooted fear to save the day is a bit par for the course, it would be nice to see something different, but I'm getting ahead of myself. Comments on the comments: I would endorse Andy's comment about some of the reactions seeming a bit inconsistent. I would not have mentioned that 'out loud' in my own comments, but now that he says it, I can see that it's been at the back of my mind. As to Paul, I don't have that issue with him, but maybe I'm not reading as deep as others. I'm sure he's got hidden steel, but his style is to try and be chummy with everyone. Mandamon's comment reminds me that I thought the reference to pashmina a bit strange. I knew what one was, but my image if a middle aged ladies from the burbs having coffee on a Wednesday afternoon. You've got my comments on Michael above - I was less troubled by him than some others, perhaps because of the tone that I get from the piece. Your corporate America angle is interesting. I really don't think I would have got that, not so far anyway. If you want people to have the in mind, you might need to drop in some more direct hints in that direction. It's an interesting metaphor, one which could be handled in different ways (from all out parody to subtle metaphor). I suppose I'm saying that you might want to steer a little closer to the former, to make it clearer. On the recognition of the voices in the coffee shop - (1) I have a bad memory for detail; (2) I don't remember the reference to the voices, although I see you said you went back and added it (in the re-write?); (3) I have a really bad memory for detail, so you I hope it's fairly blatant in the coffee shop scene, for numpties like me! And finally, thanks for sharing. And please do share the whole piece. Search for the Alpha Readers thread on this forum, which contains Mandamon's instruction for submission to the group. In short, there's a Dropbox. Timescales for completing an Alpha Read are longer of course - well mine are - like try next year (after Write About Dragons; NaNoWriMo and Christmas - and finishing Memory of Light and Shadows Beneath)!!! --------------------------------------------------------- Detailed comments: Page 5 – “...suppressed...” – Didn’t sound right to me – “contained”? Page 6 – Not sure about Michael’s lock bouncing “mirthlessly” Page 12 – Do we know about Candace’s crushing fear of flight? I don’t remember that. Not a big deal, but I found myself wondering if this was foreshadowing a characteristic that would later help with a plot point. Page 16 - "...dirt and small rocks kicked up in her face..." - Great image, the juxtaposition of the great and graceful wings with their effect (in this case), dusty and gritty. Also, the scratched and worn condition of Candace's blade is fascinating - makes me wonder who the previous owner was and how it came to be that way. But, I'm struggling with her flipping the blade up and catching it. That's like a Errol Fynn move. Okay, she's agile and adroit, but I don't buy her being able to do that. Page 18 - The phrase "irritated love" tripped me up. I spent several minutes mulling over that. Page 19 - Not sure that a process can persist, it's not sentient. Michael persisted, certainly, but I would have thought the process continued, or something like that. Just my opinion. Also, repetition of "with a".

Once again great comments on Submission 2 across both Write About Dragons and Reading Excuses – super helpful. I feel like you guys are really testing me (yes you, Manaheim) which is excellent, thank you. At the risk of pushing my luck, I have again overlapped my submissions, as there was concern over Covelle’s pov in Submission 2, and lack of clarity over the time-line, so I’ve started with the re-write of that part. This continues into the Covelle pov scene, which was going to continue. The story so far: Ahma, Benam and Covelle live in the port town of Lufmatho, leading generally separate lives. Ahma looks after her mother and works towards her goal of buying a horse and seeing the country. Benam exists by working at the harbour and living on former glory. He bemoans his worsening health and is a solitary man. Covelle is a career criminal with an eye for opportunity and bettering his lot at the expense of others. Benam drinks at the inn where Ahma works, and has a soft spot for her. Ahma has little patience for men at all. Covelle (incognito) has encountered Benam recently but, by chance, their paths cross again, raising Covelle’s suspicions. He follows Benam to the inn where Ahma works. A young girl fleeing pursuers bursts in on Covelle gauging the risk from Benam. All comments greatly appreciated.

I enjoyed this story. Like some of the others I'm not a big fan of Arthurian legend, but I like the way you took a fresh perspective. I don't think you're going to get all that deep into the machinations or motivations in a short piece like this, so I took it that way, trying not to over-examine (it's a Robinski first!). I thought the character emotions were convicing, maybe minor tweaks to certain reactions, but all in all very entertaining. I'd be perfectly happy if I came across it in a short story collection.