Robinski

Diving straight in - “I had an experience...” “If you want to tell bigger lies, you have to get a bigger rug...” (you would keep a secret) I started out unengaged, but there are some nice ideas and turns of phrase, and by the end of Part One I was interested to see how the piece would develop. Nice line about the typo, certainly makes a critiquer think while reading! “...they tell your wrong.” ??? “I know what you’re thinking” I presume there the narrator is cut off at the end of Part Three, so better to use ellipsis, i.e. “except for this one time when...” I'm enjoying the style of the piece. I think the ‘voice’ of the narration could well be that of the 13 year old as you note, although there is the occasion word which seems older, like “apparently” at the start of Part Two. I enjoyed the ice cream logic, it’s an interesting take on normal, because in reality there must be some children who don’t like ice cream, of course, but not very many. Does that make them abnormal by a statistical definition? You mention the 13 year-old, but then you refer to “crazy man’s journal”. It could be a facet of the story, that the narrator is a man, but with the impression that he is still a child, or it could just be a lapse of precision in the writing – I don’t know yet. “I hesitate to write this...” Don’t think it’s oratory silence, is it, since that would be speaking, wouldn’t it? Is it narrative silence? So, in Part Five we get the big reveal. I can’t say it was surprising, not because I saw it coming, but because I wasn’t looking for it. I think I had accepted the implication that his mother might have killed his father, or that his father had just left and he had gone crazy as a result. I had some issues with the conclusion and the description of the event. I find it hard to accept the level of anger that must surely have driven a child to stab his father 17 times, because the narrator’s demeanour throughout the account doesn’t foreshadow it. Okay, he’s in treatment and therefore doesn’t display the same behaviour as before, but I didn’t get any clues that there was such a level of suppressed (medicated?) anger within him. I won’t quibble about the practicalities of stabbing someone 17 times with a pencil. I doubt that the pencil would stay unbroken for anything like that number of blows, but I'm willing to suspend my disbelief on that. All-in-all, I think it’s an interesting character piece with some good ideas. It reads pretty well and anywhere the language is untidy you can always blame it on the 13/14 year old, I guess! I can’t say it blew my socks off, or was especially surprising or twisty, for the reason I gave above. Another factor in that was probably that I didn’t particularly care about the character. There didn’t seem to be anything at stake, as such. Nothing hanging over him (shock treatment, for example), no jeopardy I guess is what I'm saying, and that resulted in a lack of tension in the story. Not all stories have to have tension, I realise, but it is an element that makes a reader invest in the protagonist, I think. In parting however, good job, for trying something different and interesting. Okay, maybe it didn’t particularly work for me, but I'm sure it will work for others and that you tested yourself and discovered stuff about your writing in any case. Reading the comments now, I’ve something to add. Lerroy makes a good point about the crazy, and truly ‘crazy’ (unwell) people not knowing it. I totally agree with that. I don’t know if it’s a proven medical principle or just an apocryphal idea, but it has a ring of good logic to it. Another thing, I wouldn’t add too much more to it – maybe one entry (or two short ones) about getting better (or improving). That was more smoothly lead into the reveal at the end, which did seem rather sudden. But I wouldn’t go into too much detail with these additions. I thought the length of the piece was right, I wouldn’t have wanted to devote too much longer to reading it, and there would be a higher risk of repetition in making it longer. On the typos thing, that's all very well for the deliberate ones, however I think there may be some that are unintended, and I think that a piece like this always relies on the precision of the language, so if you were going to submit anywhere, a good tidy up would be worthwhile.

Wasn’t Chapter 3 included in the last submission? Oh, wait, it’s the continuation of Chapter 3, I think? I see. Certa’s impression of Eve’s anger is puzzling to me. He thinks she’s clearly angry, and yet you say she isn’t demonstrative (shouting and cursing), but if she’s angry, why doesn’t she wave her hands around and screw up her face in frustration? My point being, when Certa thinks he’s going to wait for her to calm down, it sounds from the description like she’s acting calmly already. I think your description of how the people here behave in the street could be more colourful. I get that it’s different from the empire, where they all walk in regimented rows (I guess?), but your description of how this place differs is just a couple of people were running and a couple were just standing. What I'm thinking is, for Eve, it must be a riot of different facial expressions, people laughing, shouting, waving at each other, cursing a shaking fists – okay, not all at the same time, but you see what I mean? Different clothing, people smirking, grimacing, grumbling, smiling, looking nervous – all sorts, possibly. “...carrying hammers and chisels” Ah, so a Fray is a Brute. If you remember my earlier comment, a section concluded on her being a Fray. And it had no impact (for me), because I didn’t understand the significance. If I’d known that a Fray and a Brute were the same, I would have got more out of that reveal at the end of the earlier section. Also, Eve clearly doesn’t have twice the strength (or size) of a normal person, so I'm intrigued to understand how and Fray and a Brute are the same. “...the way they came had come...” Spotting that Priscus isn’t a Brute is not smart. As far as the reader is concerned, Brute’s are huge, so it’s obvious he’s not a Brute. Oh, wait, is it sarcasm? Didn’t get that at all. So now, we’ve got another special class of person. Priscus is a Fray and an Archaic. Priscus only tried to drop the hammer on Eve, also, nice line about him being ‘pissed’. “...ailments are healed” “too tired and drowning...” The phrasing of the last sentence is a bit awkward. I enjoyed this section, some revealing going on and explanation of things I’ve been questioning, which is good – I like that I didn’t need to go much further to get some answers, like Eve!! Again, the style is very comfortable to read, I think. Nice flow. Some detailed observations, above, but all-in-all I'm happy and looking forward to the next submission. Some of the others have made really good points, certainly more perceptive that my nuts-and-bults stuff, but yes, please do keep writing. You've got a good basis for a story here, with lots going on and some good strong elements.

You're always welcome - I call as I see and sometimes I get it wrong, I'll hold my hand up, as required. I look forward to your response when you get a chance.

That's my understanding, I've written my letter of resignation and planned how to spend my first million, all I need to do now is copy and paste my last completed project, then search and replace the names. I'll recommend you to my agent and publisher. (lmao)

It certainly does to me. I start each project with a sketch of the character, their background and motivations, and also a plot outline of where I think things will go - but they don't always go there in the course of the book. Sometimes characters don't do what you want them to do or in the way you think they'll do it, and it's just plain weird, but fun!

Ah, now then young Lerroy, I’ve been looking forward to getting to your next submission, I’ve sort of left it till last in my catch up, sorry about that, but I remember enjoying the first section, so I'm looking forward to this. Went back to look at my comments on the Prologue, which seem like an age ago! Having read the submission, I can say that I enjoyed it a good deal. You have an easy style that I find comfortable to read. There are numerous distracting grammar ticks, and the capitalising of seemingly random words, but you can easily fix these things. I like the gentle humour in your writing, I think it gives it personality and makes the characters more likeable. I think some writers try too hard to be funny. I did find the stream of names a bit of a chore to keep track of. There seems to be a series of races/nationalities, then a series of classes (cohorts?), then there are the character names themselves. It’s not wrong, I just wonder if one of these categories might be held back a little until we’ve got our feet under the table. Maybe not, it’s just something to consider. Maybe others are fine with it. More importantly, I think, is the use of names which seem designed to be dramatic reveals, but mean nothing to the reader. The end of Chapter 3 is a prime example. I don’t know what a Fray is, so how can I find the end of the chapter dramatic? It’s the same at the end of the Chapter 1 with the Caecus – it robs the chapter end of any drama, I think. All in all, though, I'm keen to get on to the next submission. I'm starting to like the characters and it’s an interesting set up. Personally, I wouldn’t mind a touch more description. I remember the WE crew (think it was Mary) that many writers don’t use other sense to describe scenes, too often only using a visual description. Anyway, I'm not saying write screeds of description, but it’s easy enough to occasionally pick some detail out with an adjective now and again. So, your questions: –Genre: I find it hard to think past pseudo-Roman type of setting because of the arena scenes, the names and the Empire being a thing. –Characters: Mentioned in my detail comments below, but I like them. There are little differences without having great big characters ticks. Maybe they could be described a little more, but you’ll have the opportunity to do that as you go. –Pacing: Good, nice flow to it, stuff is happening, it’s interesting and seems to be moving forward, so far so good. –Magic: Nothing overt, there are clues to Eve’s healing, but I’d need to go back through to make a list of signs, nothing clearly sticks in my mind in this submission. –Whatever: see below!! Rixa Academy – as it’s the name of the establishment. Straightaway, I'm hooked in by the comfortable humour and the down-to-earth concerns of this student. Quite a few ‘x’s in the first paragraph, okay two, but as they are the only names we have so far, 100% of them have ‘x’s in – happy to accept it if it’s a common thing in society though. “...new recruits arrived.” “They stayed secluded were subdued...” – (suggestion: secluded didn’t seem like the right word) “...easily spots spotted Tolero...” – one or two tense slips, was this previously in ‘present tense’ – yikes, surely not! So, is ‘Brute’ a race or type of humanoid, or perhaps another nationality? I'm judging from the capitalisation of course. No doubt, I will discover the answer. You seem to use names repeatedly. I think when you’ve said who’s speaking, like Tolero at the top of Page 2, you don’t need to repeat his name, but can say older students were looking at ‘him’, as we still have Tolero in mind. You did the same with Ferox earlier (...took a moment to focus on him). “...twice the muscle of a normal man.” “And what do you think...” We’ve heard Federation and Republic so far, starting to get a little disoriented, although maybe you explained this in the prologue, I haven’t gone back to read it again. “She looked to be a Refugee from the Federation,” why capitalise refugee? And does that make her like Tolero, as he is also from or of the Federation? Also, we’ve got a farm boy, a federation and a republic – sounds a bit like we’re in George Lucas territory! I wouldn’t capitalise ‘jet’ when describing her eyes. I don’t think you would capitalise the name of the mineral (?) anymore than you would a colour or, say, a fruit (I'm looking at you, Mandamon!!). “...battering ram all his life.” Again, if it’s not a particular (named) instructor – i.e. using it as a title (Instructor Smith), don’t capitalise, I would say. Valeo isn’t really finished speaking when you say ‘he finished.’ Dialogue attributions can be cumbersome and are probably better left out, if possible, to help dialogue sections flow. “...adorned with their cohort’s namesake” Now you’re capitalising adjectives!! (This should be Interesting). You’re out of control with that Shift key!! : o ) “Another Brute comes came from the Leo side” Ha-ha, instant tension because Canis don’t have another Brute! I wasn’t expecting that, but you foreshadowed it well, nicely done. Really intrigued to see how this goes! “The boy that emerges emerged from the crowed crowd is was slightly shorter...” I’ll stop mentioning the tense thing now, you get the point, I'm sure. “...on top of the Brute’s as it crashed towards the ground. The Brute’s sword...” and there’s another instance just after. Possessive needs an apostrophe. There are several titles or types thrown around at the end of the chapter. It’s certainly mysterious as to what the boy who sparred with the Brute is, but I think a difficulty with it is these types (races? nationalities?) are not foreshadowed, so the reader doesn’t know how amazed to be or why. Ah, Eve’s back, that’s good. It’s nice to encounter someone we know something about, and to discover how she’s getting on with the ring! Repetition of “eyes” and “cart” twice in the same sentences. “...the cart’s long handles” Very nice exchange between Vanus and Priscus, nice tone, dialogue that sounds like real people talking, which I think is harder to do than it might seem. I suggest taking the italics off the mocking statement, apart from the ‘I', as that is probably where the stress would come. “That’s what I say.” At this point, we get Sapients, which I'm guessing are another race, class or nationality. I'm now getting a bit confused about how Sapients, Brutes, Caecus’s and Apexes relate to one another, which we haven’t had any indication of so far, unless I’ve forgotten. Sounds like it doesn’t so much look as if there is a walled city in place of the mountain top, but there is one. “...the Republic was open to...” and “care she needed...” I like Priscus thought process, whether she lives or dies he has a dilemma, nicely done. “...a little older than her.” I like her surprise at seeing people’s faces and marvelling at their expressions. I had forgotten that people in the Empire were all covered up. It’s a nice societal distinction. “...the falling edge of being a young man, on his to becoming middle aged.” Very wordy and confusing phrasing. When you give the reason for the table collapsing before you tell us it collapses, I think it robs the scene of surprise and immediacy, makes it more passive. To me, it would be better for the table to collapse and then have the explanation, or even better, table collapses, then there’s the human fallout – shouting and cursing, arguing, whatever, before anyone worries about the state of the wood, just a thought. I like her question. “Where is there to ascend to?” a very sensible and logical inquiry. Right, you’re doing it again, dropping in a name that doesn’t mean anything to the reader. It’s obviously set up to be a dramatic end to the chapter, but we don’t know what a Fray, so the reader is just going “Huh?”.

Someone (Gaiman, OSC, King?) said "Writers write." It's that simple. If you don't write, you're not a writer. It's not rocket science, if it was, there would be math - and less writing. Just keep doing it, one day, 71k will be far behind you. It's not how much you write that matters, of course, but you still have to do the words to practice. Someone else (King?) said that you have to write (and discard?) a million words to reach a level of competancy. Obviously that's going to be different for different people but, clearly, was said (by whoever) to make a point. You DO need to practice. My first novel took me 10 years to finish and another 3 to revise. It's currently 225,000 words and I'll never submit it because I know it's not publishable. I learned that from my first 3 months listening to Writing Excuses. Now my writing log tells me I'm at 943,000 words all-in (roughly - I've been writing a long time, kids). I've learned an absolutel ton(ne), but I know I'll never stop learning, or stop writing. If you're a writer you will always write, regardless of word count, of submision or publication, regardless of whether anyone ever reads it. You will always write.

Ha-ha, since this is my first review of one of your work I’ll say welcome to Reading Excuses! Sorry it’s taken me so long to get to reviewing your submission. I blame Write About Dragons, Start Write Now, NaNoWriMo and Christmas. Anyway... There is an interesting basis for a story here, and I like some of the ideas, the modern setting and the devil aspects. Magic is mentioned but not seen, so we don’t really know what it comprises, making it an intriguing prospect for future submissions. My main difficulty was the style and phrasing, which I found awkward, and I often tripped over the grammar. I think the style prevents any proper pace from developing. I also think the dialogue could be spiced-up, more charged and less serious and considered, it felt a bit laboured in places. I hope these comments don’t come across too negative, I did enjoy a lot about the submission and I’ll certainly be reading the next one. Detailed comments follow. I found the discussion between the two women a bit blatant. It didn’t feel natural to me, like they were both wearing InfoDump t-shirts. Why would Garfield call it “the club just outside the city,” why would he not just use its name? It comes over as maid-and-butler, not something he would say other than to convey the information to the reader. I found the conclusion to the first section a bit stilted. Seemed to me there was a reveal there, but the style was very formal and rather wordy. And why does he need to learn high society etiquette for his work? Sounds like he was just in a standard professional setting, didn’t seem to be high society. Waiting to ambush... who? ‘waiting in ambush’ is the phrasing I’ve seen before. “...in an alleyway...” Sure others have pointed out, sorry or repetition. Why “Yet the other week they had lost a brother.” like it’s contrary to the bit before about them being family? I felt like it would be better as “and the other week...” Also, it struck me unusual that he calls the person approaching a mofo, but uses the formal term Asian rather than, for example, ‘chink’. If you’re going to badmouth someone, go the whole hog! Finding the term ‘Boltz member’ awkward, I would certainly get it if you just said ‘Boltz’. When it comes to the combat, ‘Boltz member’ really slows things down. Another approach would be to give every Boltz a name instead of saying ‘Boltz member’, since clearly anyone not called Gin is a Boltz in this situation. Seventeen men is a mob, how do they stay hidden? The discussion between the Boltz analysing Gin’s behaviour felt a bid weird to me, like they are having a technical discussion rather than giving someone a kicking (or trying to). Would they really go through all that exposition and debate? Why do they always run in one at a time, it makes no sense, a two or three-pronged attack would cause Gin some problems, surely? Also, does the knife point go ‘into’ Sammy’s throat? Is the start of this section – the word “Doctor” – Gin speaking to her, or is she not really a doctor? If it’s Gin speaking, there is a lot of text between the spoken word and her reaction. If it’s her being a pseudo-doctor, it looks like dialogue. “...copies she used as in place of an ‘Open’ sign.” (suggested) A ‘jump scare’ is not a thing, is it? I’ve heard it used in movie reviews, but I’ve never seen it in print. It feels to me like ‘she stifled her totes amaze’. I had to read “trying to re-adorn a stoic façade while working” three times to get a sense of it. “...despite him being covered in blood.” Otherwise, it reads like she is. Why does he start talking like “I shall swiftly wash”? Nobody actually speaks like that, so it’s rather hard to accept. He seemed to speak more casually on the first page, when still in the office. I'm not saying that he shouldn’t be well spoken, I just find the phrasing getting awkward in some spots. I'm finding the tone of the piece a bit difficult. There was a good gangland ambush with some nice action and a decent bit of tension, but I felt that the wordiness of the prose hampered it, held back the flow. Also, my brain thinks it’s in Tarantino territory, but the dialogue could be snappier, I think. Wait a minute, is he an android? I'm steered into thing that from this line “Inspection on the rear of this head is also requested.” Bi-fold > bill-fold? It’s a North American term, so I'm not that familiar with it, but always thought the word was bill-fold. I’ve been wondering about her profession, and the fact that she seems to be a lone woman in a very exposed situation. There’s a suggestion that previous clients have been abusive, up to a point, but it she’s working with low-lives, has she never been attacked and what means of protection does she have? I'm also intrigued by why she cannot work in a hospital. The financial argument is a reasonable one, but not wanting to do the hard work is lame, just lost some sympathy for her. I'm pretty sure you just trashed teachers and part-time nurses. How can you say those are not good jobs? That’s one way to read your phrasing in that sentence. I'm not sure if that’s what you meant, but in Barnesandnoble Land, a bunch of people just put your book down. What do you mean by “I’m not selling myself to you” – I wasn’t clear on the implication of that. To acquire her as a woman would be to imply that he considered her an item, so I don’t think you need to say “woman” and “item”, one of them seems redundant. “...his lack of reaction made her want to use the Taser on him.” Ha-ha, like that line. I'm more interested in Selena as a character than Gin at this point. If the alley is lightless, how can Alex see all this detail that he’s observing? I'm interested in the introduction of the idea of devils, that’s intriguing. The mention of magic is very offhand, but I can live with that. It’s an accepted part of society, that’s fine. The discussion between Alex and Connor is very heavy on the exposition. I think it’s very maid-and-butler. “He had received his orders...” There are a lot of instances where you drop the ‘had’, in the worst cases, like here, the grammar doesn’t make sense without them, or at least takes on a different emphasis altogether.

< stands on the edge of vision with hands in pockets, whistling >

Brandon has definitely used them to what I think is the best effect that I can recall seeing in each of the Mistborn books (original trilogy), where the epis gradually reveal the contents of Alendi's, Kwaan's Sazed's 'journals' and which are very important to the story. There is something of a countdown effect to these, as they reveal key plot points germane to the events in the main narrative. Very well done. I think what you alude to, Storm, is a similar idea (not the same), in that rather than the epis providing background, they provide information on another thread that is running parallel to the main work, probably on a collusion course!! It's kind of plotting by stealth, but I think it's a great idea - so good I wouldn't have posted it here!!!! : o ) (Your idea is safe it me.)

Apologies for the delay in this critique, I blame Write About Dragons; Start Write Now; NaNoWriMo and Christmas. Welcome to Reading Excuses. Generally, I enjoyed the flow and the style, as usual, scope for polishing. I like a reasonable amound of setting, but my first reaction is, be wary of starting with detailed description of objects. I am looking for the character(s) and the story to hook me in, for some action or challenging thought / surprise to engage my in the first couple of lines. To be fair, you have set the scene and character motivation in the first couple of paragraphs, but I'm not feeling the ‘wow’ yet. For example, a page in, we learn that there is something that “must be done.” That’s intriguing, that pulls me forward to find out what it is. We don’t really learn that Juliet is old until the end of page 2, although you do mention her hip up front, it’s not in specific reference to her age. Lot of typos, which are distracting for the reader. I would strongly suggest switching on spell and grammar checker, even if it’s just to do a pass before you submit. I keep them switched on, I have a constant and ongoing battle with Passive Voice that drives me to distraction, but it helps to avoid typos like: Page 1, Line 1 – hasn’t > hadn’t Page 2, Para 2, Line 5 – dark buildings passed as shadows Page 3, Line 1 – hide > hid I like the atmosphere that you’ve created. We certainly know it’s cold and frosty, dark and unwelcoming. I like that, sets a scene for dastardly deeds. There are some punctuation issues (sorry, super quibble, but...). “The chill so intense...” is a continuation of the phrase in the previous sentence, so should be “...noticeable, the chill so intense...” I think. Whoa, where did all these people arrive from? I can see she would have a driver and maybe a guard or two on the coach, but now she has a platoon of guards! It seems very dark, I’d tend to question the wisdom of and/or ability to dock a ship in those conditions. Page 5, Para 4 – “...thin clouds were...” Page 5, Para 5 – “...a strong steady rain started...” That’s a nice touch with the warm rain, prearranged, really draws me into the setting and the world. As a civil engineer, I hope they have a well designed drainage system, as precipitating a big melt with warm rain is going to generate a lot of water on the land. Nice exchange about bossiness running in the blood – amusing. I wonder if the straps securing the woollen bundle wouldn’t have buckles instead of latches, otherwise you have two sets of latches. I'm struggling a bit with the size of this box and the bundle it was in, I pictured them smaller, my impression was reinforced, I think, by the size of the key, which sounded very small. Nice conclusion, a real cliff-hanger, which I know Brandon has some issues with in some situations, but I think this works. There was tension building throughout the chapter, I was definitely waiting for something bad to happen, and sure enough! I suppose I was expecting it, but it still came as something of a surprise because of how suddenly it happened. I'm interested to read more. Juliet is intriguing because it seems that she might be the person who put the cargo on the ship in the first place? I thought it was maybe her daughter, but you indicate that she travelled a road from the start point of the artefacts’ journey. Interesting...

I've actually got an idea for a short story that's been rumbling around in my head for a couple of weeks. Whether or not it falls into 'The Third Way', or is just a mish-mash of hard and soft (let's call that squishy magic), I don't know.

Good!! Although it strikes me that, by using the word 'system' in my call-to-arms, I've rather left myself open to accusations of favouritism (oops).

Well, you know what I think... ; o )

Well said, Sprout. And I'll be the one to stand up for JKR. In the same way that the scope of Channelling is extensively trailed through Egwene and Elayne progressing through their education to becoming Aes Sedai, we learn about the main elements of Rowling's magic through the education of Harry, Ron and Hermione. Also, presented with a situation where there is hard and soft magic, I think we should all strive to defeat those categories and develop a system that either lies between or beyond categorisation - don't push the envelope, rip it open!

Blocking is description of the setting, the immediate surroundings, to give the reader context for where the actions/events happen. I realise I quibbled a little on that but, like Lerroy, I was comfortable with it as I have a reasonable idea of what tundra should look like, and you did describe the vista and the mountain early on.

Cool. I note the reason (in the spoiler) and, for me, he seems to make a real snap judgement on that, but I guess he goes to get his purse in the first instance. The proofread thing is a real easy win : o )

Please don’t take this personally, it’s not aimed at you, but frankly I'm getting weary reading epigraphs at the start of almost every chapter I critique on RE. I just lifted some books off my book-shelf in no particular order and none of them had epigraphs. I suppose I'm setting myself up here, as I’ve never done them before, but one day probably will, still, it seems like every submission has to have them and I really don’t know what they add half the time. Straight away, I am predisposed to like Kyd, I think it’s his simple joy at running through the streets. In Paragraph 2 he says he can never be content, and yet in Para. 3 he thinks he’ll never live like the ‘high-ups’, these thoughts seems somewhat contradictory to me. If he’s that ambitious, why might he not be a high-up one day? I notice a tendency in your writing to repeat words and phrases relatively close together. I find it quite distracting. In Para. 1 there's ‘feeling’, in Para. 2 it’s ‘level of the city’, Para. 3 ‘levels of the city’’ appears again, plus 'levels' shortly after. “The pulsier was chasing him...” - there are various typos, I'm not going to pick them all. I like that he is thieving even when he’s doing something else, but I'm puzzled why it doesn’t matter if he’s caught. I can see that it doesn’t matter to the job his crew are pulling, but wouldn’t he be punished? I expect that it would matter to him. Para. 7 has the word ‘ally’ four times - and it's the wrong word, should be 'alley'. “By Theandolore's”…what? Ha-ha, I like that Kyd’s mark is the man who saves him – nice touch. There’s an awful strong resemblance to Mistborn in the dynamic and the storyline here, and I'm kind of sceptical about Jacks suddenly offering a job to the first waif who picks his pocket. That’s what it seemed like to me anyway. The fewer people who could recognise him... What difference is he interpreting between ‘use’ and ‘utilise’, the same meaning in my book, they are synonyms. “It was cheap...” “...to steal my property,” Is it perceptions that jacks was bending or motivations? Also, narrow lane between buildings is an ‘alley’. An ‘ally’ is a comrade or friend. I'm surprised there are only 4 levels in the city, from the mention levels get in the text I had thought there would be at least 6 or 7, because of the distance implied between them (that was my impression, anyway). “...kept a close eye on the economic situation there...” I think you’ve got a decent idea here, although I would try to address the considerable similarity to Mistborn. I like the tone of it and the atmosphere of the place, although there isn’t a lot of blocking (description of setting), which I think would enhance the atmosphere. Also, there is quite a bit of tidying up could be done in the writing. Polishing the language would go a long way to making it more accessible and flow better. I’d suggest at least running spell and grammar checker over it before submitting, as there are a lot of typos that could be eliminated easily to make a much better first impression. My biggest issue with the story is why on earth Jacks chose to take Kyd under his wing. I would think this is something Kyd would have questioned more, as there seems to be no earthly reason for it. His father being dead seems to point to him being Jacks illegitimate son. If that’s the case it’s a very old and familiar trope, not wrong mind you, just unsurprising. Reading the forumcomments now, as I would have expected, others have picked up on the typos, but seriously, if you’re in the market for criticism – it doesn’t engage the critiquer to submit work that is full of typos, repeated words, etc. that could easily be picked out and eradicated by using spell/grammar checker.

Sorry for much lateness, I blame Write About Dragons; Start Write Now; NaNoWriMo and Christmas. Sold his wife? Wow, that’s a line that certainly grabs the attention. I'm struck by some rather awkward phrasing here and there, like... He knocked in on the door? ...and... “The rest of us are gone for the evening.” – Not the rest of them, as the woman clearly isn’t included? Also, what’s with the spark between her fingers? I have no context for that. Is it magic? What is its purpose? There’s repetition of a whole line. I guess others will have mentioned that, and the frequent use of Gaspard’s name is quite distracting. I was a bit confused by the householder addressing Gaspard as ‘sir’. I presume that the plump man is the owner and must be rich to own servants? I suppose he would be submissive in the face of an attack like this. I'm puzzled as to why Gaspard went to elaborate planning to rescue his wife by planting people in the house when there seems to be no security and he could have just walked in and taken her back? No, wait a minute, he’s blaming his agent?! But it’s his fault!! I'm not convinced by the use of the magic. A bolt of electricity is going to ‘move’ almost instantaneously if there is any kind of science behind it. I feel that the woman would be unable to anticipate it and react to resist it. If his wife is on some river boat how long does it take to get to where it’s going, when did it leave, does he not have a chance to catch it up? It would surely be fairly slow-moving. The thing is I don’t have any context for the society or his standing or profession. Is he a thief, an outlaw? Is slavery accepted by the state or the monarchy? I'm left with a lot of questions that don’t allow me to properly assess the situation, but one thing I have a clear vision of is that Gaspard seems stupid to leave his wife in peril while he faffles around planting agents in someone’s house, seemingly leaving her at risk the whole time. I feel as if I may not be assessing the situation properly, but I don’t know enough about the setting and the preceding events to make a balanced judgement. His reaction however seems crazy and really set me against him. Maybe that was your intention and you started with the antagonist, I must read on to find out more. Okay, having now read the comments on the thread, I see that Gaspard is mean to be unsympathetic (thank goodness for that!), but I still think that his behaviour is illogical and shows particularly poor judgement (almost stupidity). Like Mandamon (who I'm back to agreeing with, phew!, my world view was shaken earlier over on Lemming’s Pentagram thread), I'm keen to read more just to find out what the heck is going on, but I think the reader deserves a bit more to go on in a prologue when trying to entice them into the book. On to Chapter 1!

What is a ‘gun walking’ operation? I get the comparison with gun running, but I don’t know the term. It seems like there’s a disconnect when he arrives at Buckman’s office. When did he start moving? I thought he was sitting at his desk. So, Buckman didn’t check the documents as he said he would before they are emailed out. Significant, or just shoddy? Certainly none of it sounds like good work, are these guys professional? Again, Carnes displays a lack of professionalism, running up the stairs to a meeting, he’s going to be in poor condition when he gets there, he’ll look unprofessional and won’t perform as well as he should. I take it you’re not expecting to publish this mentioning Halliburton and Bildeberg, or maybe you like being tailed everywhere by black SUV’s and have a hankering to spend a long time wearing an orange onesie? Okay, you’ve lost me here. I’ve been an engineering consultant for 27 years; a chartered engineering for 19 and a company director for 7. To me, the behaviour of Carnes is just not credible given the situation that he is in, and the gravity of what this group is doing. And Buckman is grossly unprofessional, I don’t see how he could have reached the position he is in with that level of incompetence, the sheer lack of care and interest in what he’s doing. So, the congressman agrees about the absurdity of the situation, that’s something, I suppose! I did enjoy the retro tone of the piece, placing it in a recent historical period, that was good, I thought. In the end, the farcical (as I saw it) behaviour of Carnes and Buckman turned me off (as noted), I didn’t manage to suspend my disbelief, which I think led to me not really caring. I also thought the punch line was a bit off. If Erin was so timid, would she be wise-cracking to a US Congressman? I'm feeling a bit like a killjoy now, taking the piece too seriously, perhaps. It has a light tone and is very readable, the setting well established by reference to the names and technology of the time (which I know you are good at), but you just plain lost me in the middle. Still, I'm looking forward to your next submission, I continue to enjoy reading your work. Referring to other comments, 1, from Mandamon, for reason noted, it was the believability that lost it for me – that’s the second time today I’ve disagreed with him!! Third time and it’s the end of the world, or the Candyman appears or something like that.

(8) “Hands behind herself” I think the phrase “taking away something” is a bit unclear. I see what you mean, but it’s seems a little awkward. Would “confining something” have the same meaning that you were looking for, or “imprisoning,” “enshrining”? It’s rather convenient that the door is unlocked, my suspension of disbelief is a bit strained there. Also, the room seems rather small for a library, and I don’t see how there can be a huge desk in the middle if the room is only four paces across. I very much like the image of the dark desk sucking up the light in the room. Is ‘scripture’ not specifically religious text? I'm no scholar, just my impression. Woah, so now opening the fan summons Elyse?! I wasn’t expecting that. (9) “His father’s study.” Repetition of “look” in close proximity. I like the moral dilemma you put James in, destroying all of his father’s existing and future work. Those are some high stakes, as it should be, but it’s good that it’s not the fate of the world at stake – that’s too obvious and too commonly used – although I suppose it’s a short, so would probably be over the top anyway in this setting. (10) The names of the neighbouring families are very similar Winchester and Westminster. I like Mr. Winchester’s description of the fan and its workings. There is passion in him, and he speaks in an almost lyrical way. That is fitting as he is an artist. It’s nice to see that in a character that we don’t really know other than from his rather closed and distant outward persona. The revelation that the focus is inside Mr. Winchester ramps up the stakes even further, well done. I'm not entirely convinced by James’s ultimatum. Yes, I accept he feels strongly about Elyse, but he goes from negotiation straight to “I'm going to ruin you” at the drop of a hat. Also, his father is instantly dismissive. Okay, I can accept a defensive reflex, but he is very quick to push his child away after they seemed to share a moment. “Now do you understand why...” Ah-ha!! There’s another prisoner, surprising yet inevitable, nicely done, but wait, there’s more... What are the obvious side effects of using a fan? That doesn’t seem to follow from what I’ve read, I don’t think. “James explained exclaimed incredulously.” This reveal has a great impact and really heaps it on James, it’s a effectively a try-fail, and definitely things getting much worse. A thing that I find jarring here, although it troubled me somewhat earlier on, is his use of the word ‘Mom’ and also ‘Dad’ earlier on. Your setting seems clearly to nod towards Victorian England with the names, but use of ‘Mom’ and ‘Dad’ is not consistent with that or the story’s formal tone – I would urge you to ditch those terms in favour of ‘mother’ and ‘father’. How is it that the ring allows formation or new memories but the fan does not? That seems strange and a bit inconsistent (and convenient). Dah, dah, DAH!! What other foci are there? Very intriguing. (11) “...her lee time.” What is lee? Oh, the end. You’ve lost me there. I don’t get the conclusion. I had thought at the end of (10) that it would turn out that James had a focus and that it would be his that would be broken. That would be a bit rabbit-from-the-hat, but I think I could have accepted it, but I actually don’t know what has happened at the end, which leaves me unsatisfied and frustrated. In summary, I very much enjoyed your story. There are various drafting points that need to be tidied up, I mentioned a few, but not all, but those are easy fixes. The story flows well, is intriguing and mysterious, has good escalation of the stakes and the tension. The reveals near the end of well done, I thought, but the ending is a real issue for me. Maybe I'm too dense, but I don’t understand what has happened and that leaves me frustrated. I don’t think ambiguity works in this case, because there isn’t a clear choice between known alternatives, it’s just unclear. This is a very good story, well written, and with polish, I’d be happy to find it in any anthology or magazine that I was reading, but (for me) the ending needs refinement. Some thoughts on reading the other comments: 1 – I chose to pronounce her name ‘El-ees’, don’t know if that’s what you had in mind. 2 – I must disagree with Mandamon (:-O) I didn’t see the ending as at all definite, I thought it lacked clarity. 3 – I'm going to disagree with Lemming too (:-O) – I think stating that Elyse is the woman in the fan provides a clear moment of realisation in James’s mind – sure, we all know it – but this is James having that jaw-dropping(?) moment. 4 – More disagreement. I think avoiding contractions is appropriate when you are writing in a quite formal style, and have a setting that is rather ‘old world’ – it creates a tone that fits the story. 5 – Again, disagree on the ending – you’ll have to explain it to me, I don’t think it’s clear. To me, everyone is assuming that James’s focus was broken, but it’s not confirmed, and there is no indication on what has happened to (1) his father; (2) his father’s existing work; (3) his mother; (4) I don’t think it’s absolutely clear from the phrasing of her last question that Elyse has been to the meadow before (and therefore remembers it), which I presume is meant to be the case.

Hi, glad to read something else of yours after Human Gods, which sparked an interesting debate, I remember. So, I think there’s a nice flow to the style, I'm comfortable reading it and the opening scene is reasonably interesting. It seems more concentrated on scene-setting than ‘wow’ factor, but I can go with that, as I'm learning about a new world, which will keep me going, up to a point. I wasn’t clear that the explosion above the mountain was a firework until quite some time later. Not sure what I thought it was (literally an explosion?), but some clarity on that would have helped me. There isn’t a great amount of blocking, but I was okay with that, I felt I had a picture of the surroundings, my interpretation anyway. There is some intriguing character information in terms of Jack’s physiological reaction to killing animals which seems to hint at some deeper force at work. Jack’s a pretty boring name, but he seems to have some depth to him as a character, I'm starting to develop an interest in him, but it feels more like a slow burn than an immediate “I'm on board!!” Is that all of Chapter 1? It’s pretty short, but as an introduction it was okay. As I said, I didn’t get a ‘wow’ from what I’ve read so far, I didn’t have a strong image of the setting, but you don’t want to take up initial sections describing the scenery, I'm sure. All-in-all, I would keep reading, but I think I’d be hoping to meet more characters soon and see some wider conflict.

Hi there, I think I must have overlooked this when the email came in - would you mind awfully sending it to me again? I'll PM you my email address? Cheers!

Well, you certainly challenge us with your submissions, Tal. Not SFF, or course, much more general in subject matter, I guess. There were bits of phrasing where I thought that language was off, and I did have some trouble following the characters at a couple of points. So, his sister was Elaine, and Lynn is the friend? So the uncle, Clint, shows the picture to his niece, if I follow correctly. While it’s a thought provoking piece, I found myself wondering what I was supposed to take from it, what the message was. Rape is bad – I knew that already; corruption of minors, bad, check; so I find myself thinking about the title and the use of the word ‘equality’. We learn that Harry was abused by his 8th grade crush and then, later, by his sister. Meantime, the sister is subject to an obscenity from her own uncle. We learn that Clint’s brother (Harry’s father) would not reveal him, and that Harry did not reveal his sister’s abuse (until now). Therefore, I think that is the equality referred to in the title, may be equality of concealment in some way, but I can’t help feeling my assessment is too shallow. Reading your comments now and thinking back to the story, I don’t get any sense of story from the piece. I don’t see a plot, but an account of some traumatic events that happened in the past. I don’t get much sense of setting, which seems unimportant anyway, and it’s very short to have any kind of arc or character development, or to establish any sense of mystery and reveal. All a bit perplexing, I'm afraid, interesting, but I’ve got to say, unrewarding for me personally. I'm glad you posted it up, I like to be challenged, but I think I flunked this time!

Sorry it’s taken me so long to get back onto Reading Excuses, I blame Write About Dragons; Start Write Now; NaNoWriMo and Christmas. Anyway, glad to have finally come to the point of reading you submission. Straight away, I like the format of the story and the idea of having individual vignettes almost. (2) ‘...she was basking her face in the golden light…’ Suggestion: I think you can drop “her face” as the term ‘basking’ conveys the impression. You use the term ‘bulge’ at one point, is that supposed to refer to her bosom? It was unclear to me, but if so, it a particularly unflattering word to use, I think, which is contrary to the sentiment. (4) The phrase ‘making an innocent face’ tripped me up. I suspect there’s a more lyrical way to express the idea. You talk a few times about his face heating up – why not use the word ‘blushing,’ which encapsulates the impression? (5) Don’t like the word ‘bum’ – to me it’s too informal when the tone of the piece is much more formal. I had cause to reference the same part of the anatomy in Waifs & Strays and, from memory, I think I used the word 'posterior', but ‘rear end’ might serve, or even ‘derriere’. Hmm, okay, at the end of Section 5 there are some good clues to what is going on with Elyse. I now suspect that she is two people, or is possessed by a spirit or some such. (6) I think his mother would exclaim ‘in outrage’, rather than ‘outrageously’, which suggests that she is being outrageous. The implication of James’s parents’ discussion is very interesting. Clearly, they’re talking about Elyse, but I like that it's unclear to her and James, it lets the reader know something that they don’t. (7) They would have rested well ‘last night’. How is it that they would be sending Elyse away ‘again’? Always being one for a madcap theory, I have a new suspicion. I wonder if it could be James who is affected by problems with his memory, it would be a nice twist, but I'm not sure the events bear that out. Very interesting! I found your submission very easy to read, I thought that style flowed well and, barring the odd awkward word choice, there was very little that I tripped over when reading. The events also have a very easy flow to them, and I felt the story pulled me through, always leaving a crumb of intrigue to make me reach (and read) forward in search of the answer. Picking up on some of the earlier comments: (a) I like Manga a good deal, but didn’t make any comparison from the fact that James likes the new made, I think that’s a trope that goes way wider that Anime; (b ) I think your prose is excellent considering it’s a second language, very few grammar bombs really, easily scooped up in the edit; ( c) I’ve got no problem with ambiguity of period or other elements of setting when the piece itself has such good internal consistency; (d) I may have repeated some of the other comments, maybe a slightly different perspective, I hope; (e) I also liked that the magic was not central or over-powering, at least at this stage. I think it’s important for magic not to be the be-all-end-all of a story, characters should always be the most important element (in view). I'm very keen to find out what happens next and thankfully, due to my extreme distraction, I don’t have to wait seven days to find out. On to part two!