Robinski

Yeah, don't feel bad about asking. It'll take me at least 10 minutes to raise a pitchfork wielding mob... (That's a joke, by the way.)

Hey Mitch. I see you used 'wrought' and 'weave' in the same sentence - you're in - welcome home.

I would like to continue submitting The Mathematical Bridge BUT, I reckon that's 3 for Monday? I'll stand down as Mandamon must be closer to the end of his story than I am.

Silk's the boss, but in my experience submit on Monday, as otherwise it will get 'fouled' up with this week's submissions - if you see what I mean.

Promises to the reader? Here's what I thought, although actually, I'm pretty sure some of these are not promises but my hopes! - The tattooed man is going to be the antagonist (or an antagonist); - There will be some sort of supernatural element to the story - perhaps centered around the circus; - I wonder if we have not seen the last of the doctor, due to the references to his ghost; - Chris gets interesting or Mark comes back in and is more interesting than Chris, leading to romantic tension; Yeah, I think maybe on the first two are promises.

Detailed comments below as I read, but to summarise, I enjoyed this first chapter, it’s well written (I have some comments below) and easy to read. The start was perhaps a bit slow, lacking something remarkable until quite far in (her previous name, unknown to him). Things pick up when the journal comes out, which is good. By the end of the chapter, I'm ready to keep reading, but I would not say that I'm gripped especially. It’s not that I haven’t enjoyed reading it, and Julia has some promise of being an interesting character (Chris is a bit cardboard cut-out, so far, for me) – I'm just not sure what the story is about. Hope that’s useful, I'm certainly still interested to read more! [Comments made before reading the forum, apologies if there is any duplication] It’s an intriguing opening, but I would not say that I'm gripped straight away, which is fine. I don’t feel the need to be riding a rollercoaster from page 1. There are some nice images, but I would say there are quite a lot in the first paragraph and it seems a little unfocused. I think it could be tighter as an opening. I especially like the comparison of the aspects of the old man’s life with a tree – “numerous but irrefutably measurable” – great line. Some of your paragraphs, and indeed sentences, are pretty long. I think it would help the reader to break those up. There are certainly places to do so. Also, I’ve been learning recently about run-on sentences (You know who you are, you pesky critiquers!), of which I see a few. I find your style engaging and largely comfortable to read, but those are aspects that slow me down a bit. I enjoyed “brashness and irreverence with which life insisted on going on.” You mention him taking two mugs down from the cupboard, but shortly after she hands him a teacup – different things. I did enjoy this minor tea ritual, us Brits do love a cuppa after all. Hmm, I think maybe Earl Grey should be capitalised? I don’t know how you feel about split infinitives – I don’t care for them myself! Some people are not bothered by such things, but ever since someone highlighted possibly the most prominent example in modern fiction (To boldly go where no man has gone... before!), I’ve been on a bit of a quest to rid the world of this grammatical scourge. This said, there was a good article in the Times putting forward the opposite view. Sorry for prattling on, what I'm getting to is that “to seriously play the cello” set me off a bit. “They had been married for years” is a bit vague. That could be 5 or 15. It left me wondering. I enjoyed the description of the effect of the circus on her. “Authentic” is a nice way of putting it. In a world of virtual / online entertainment where so little is real, it’s a nice point to make. “The police never made it in time” suggests a number of different instances, as if the moment is being replayed. Probably ‘didn’t make’ is more appropriate? Some of her account around the death of her parents comes across a bit maid-and-butler. She’s repeating things here that he already knows which therefore come across as being said just for the reader’s benefit, i.e. making parts of the conversation sound less genuine. The ‘revelation’ about Molly Hayes is the first eyebrow-raising moment in the story, for me. As I said, I don’t need to be dropped into the middle of a space battler, but the start has been pretty gradual. I'm hoping this is the start of some strangeness, or at least intrigue. “bitter cocktail of emotions” came over a bit melodramatic for me. It seemed a bit at odds with tone, I thought. I also don’t quite get the “metaphysical chess game” reference. Is it relating to the doctor’s attempts to address her psychological issues? If so, I wonder if ‘metaphysical’ is the right word, compared to psychological. “to which he turned” – missing word The description of the tattooed face seems to slip out of her POV into his, because of words like “seemed”, “clearly” and “appeared”. The image is known to her, so her POV would be “was incomplete”, surely. “slam” in relation to the door suggests to me a quite violent action. “illegible handwritten notes” tripped me up. Surely, they are legible to her – I'm assuming she wrote them, since it’s her composition.

Thank you Mr. Wednesday - I very much appreciate you diving in it this point. Very helpful comments. The POV shifting is a mess, totally agree - obviously, it seemed like a good idea at the time, but really... I tend to agree with you on going with Judith. I'm so glad the art critiquing worked for you, I think that makes it a majority in favour, so the doubters will have to like it or... not. warmth - probably, drag - hmm, I'm not sure, I know it could be taken as a hippie sort of comment, but I felt it worked in a completely straight sense, foolish - definitely, what was I thinking torn - will totally fix that Glad the chapter worked for you. I will certainly fix those issues that you've flagged. Many thanks.

I'm impressed that you guys were able to make any sort of sense of my last post. It was a first draft!!!! Someone came into my room and I hit send without proofing and sure enough, it was almost completely illegible!

Lol - at least I'm good for something. It's true, j'aime beacoup les mots bonne.

I now always pre-plan my Nano now. I had 30 pages of notes going into this year, whic I wrote in October. Definitively no need to sacrifices your planning and world building. Therefore, I suppose the corollary of that is that starting presenting at Day 1 would be suicidal for my Nano writing. Waifs and Strays is hearing the end of Part Two, so will probably be 150,000 on first draft. Whether to ends up being 220k or 120k remains to be seen!!! In my experience, stories don't usually get smaller.mas the crisis, well I've been having mini crises all the way through. I'm in an online writing group with three (heat) guys who have been hounding me from the start. We submit 3,000 words a week then sharpe our claws and have at it with the critiquing. It's really helpful, really lays things bare, not easy sometimes, but very rewarding. My piont being that I haven't had a 3/4 crisis because I've known from early on where the major issue are and how I'm going to fix them in the edit. I should say though that, even if there's been no meltdown (this time) there are plenty of doubts. #justgetonwithit

Wow, pretty sure that's the first time someone's invoked Hemmingway on this forum!! I stopped writing Without Honour about 3 weeks after NaNo 2013 because there was a big fat flaw in Chapter 8, I think it was, to do with an action of the main character around which the formation of the central group was based. I felt that I couldn't go on without fixing it, and haven't gone back. That was 2013, but I will return to it. Last year's NaNo novel Waifs & Strays, I am still working away on, 96,000 words and counting, with the indispensable help of my online writing group Start Write Now. You guys rock (they know who they are).

Yeah, that's the general gist - giving a handful of feedbacks before submitting - but what do I know, Silk is the arbiter around here - also inciter of mobs and resident trombonist.

Firstly, remember NaNoWriMo only required 50,000 which is 1,667 per day - that's hard enough without doubling it!! I also love to write epic fantasy. My second NaNo, I wrote 67,000 words of an epic fantasy - which was maybe half and haven't been back to it since. I also posted it here in parallel (I think? I forget now). So, upside - I wrote loads or words. Downside, it didn't get me finished, but it would get you way beyond 1,000. Here's one way to think about it. There are various different styles of critiquing on here, but mostly tending towards MRK's guidance around saying what works and what doesn't but not offering specific suggestions. I'm not very good at adhering to that scheme however. So, I will promise to edit the b'jesus out of your writing from one week to the next so that you don't have to!! (They don't call me Captain Pedant for nothing, I assure you.) I do sympathise with your plight. It took me about 10 years to finish my first novel (of and on, but still). It's 225,000 words and unpublishable because I didn't learn the do's and don'ts from Writing Excuses until much later. Moral of the story? You will never get it right first time - no one does - it's impossible, and why would you want to, there would be nothing to edit and your alpha and beta readers would be terribly bored ;o) Looking forward to reading your stuff now - and offering motivation were possible.

Thank you guys, great comments as ever, it's a real pleasure to read your perspective each week and find what work for you and what didn't. It's always intriguing how things hit and miss. @rdpulfer: - asking the favour was in terms of her employer considering Blacklake for the exhibition at Fitzbillie's Tea Room, - totally guilty on the run-on sentences. Pretty sure I fixed a fistful of them, but I'm sure there are more - sorry! I'll get them all in the end. - and here's one of those quandaries, since Mandamon seems okay with the POV switches - apart from the first one, which is jarring, granted, - breaking up the viewing - check - I will do that, it's too crammed Much appreciated, thank you - incredibly valuable to have your perspective. @Mandamon: - pg.2 - hmm, note what you say about the title 'effect', I'll need to think about that. In the meantime, I am to write a short story starring Lord Foofypants, Earl of Cupcakeland, but his friends call him Bob, - pg.5>8 - droning, hmm, it seemed to work for RDP, another one of those quandaries, - pg.8>10 - "if you like that sort of thing" lol - has Drew hacked your RE log-in? - pg.11 - yeah, that's a continuity error - now fixed, - pg.13 - meaning managed to engage her in discussion about hanging his pictures at the tea room, I totally accept your point about Blacklake perhaps exuding more menace towards Judith, or just greater menace in general - I'm happy to look at that, it seems like the right way to go. Super comments, thank you Bob - sorry, Mandamon.

Delighted to have you join us, Fox and look forward to reading your stuff. Have you every tried NaNoWriMo? I'm not saying it's a cure for the eternal editor curse, but it can be very effective in motivating a person to write consistently.

Here is Chapter 5 of ‘The Mathematical Bridge’. Thank you for sticking with it. The more I go through trying to touch-up each submission before emailing, the more flaws I find. The POV in this chapter is a bit scatter-gun, apologies for that. I didn’t really have much appreciation of POV when I wrote this 3 years ago, certainly not at the level I have now from Writing Excuses and critiquing etc. Hope you can get past that. Blacklake agreed to meet Judith to look at her art and give her a critique. Going to meet her, he was waylaid by an encounter with Tarquin in his mind. The monster-in-chief has promised to visit Blacklake in Cambridge. Blacklake had a minor breakdown of sorts following the encounter. As ever, comments very much welcomed.

Nice way to end the chapter, at the start of a conversion / learning process that seemingly will take the story into a different area. I am enjoying the moving village, it's a simple concept, but different and therefore intriguing and entertaining. The frosty reception was good too. All in all I enjoyed the chapter. Different things were happening but all moving forward in pursuit of the plot as laid out. There's no real sense of threat here, but that's okay, I don't mind that, but as noted earlier, the jeopardy needs dialled up in the story overall, I feel. One thing that occurs to me only now is that we seem to have lost track of Hbelu. Did they leave in the town or had he already moved on? I forget. I think some thought of him to remind the reader where he is would be useful. (* There comments are reproduced from Start Write Now with the permission of Robinski Mouth Shooting-off Inc. Any similarity to constructive criticism is purely coincidental. No authors were harmed in the dispensing of these comments - as far as we can tell, and if they were - what ya gonna do?)

Hurrah! Fresh meat ;o) Silk will adjudicate on the submission requests.

So, sorry I'm a bit late - been jammed this week, but here we go. - Sare's reaction to the pain seems quite cerebral, she's thinking about it, but I don't get a strong sense of it really touching her. You might consider describing her physiological reaction - she's shaking, flinching, something a bit more active. - I'm not sure it's the pain that's dismissive - isn't Sare able almost to dismiss the pain when the sunlight reaches her? - "reached the edge of it and closed her eyes." (Someone else mentioned extra words and another tightness in the style - here's another example of that. - "Adrenaline burst into her bloodstream at the thought of toppling off the side." Nice line, and a good example of what I meant above when I talked about physiological reaction to the pain. - The recollection of her mother's words worked well for me. It give's us the first clue about why Sare is here, putting up with all this pain, and it ramps up the urgency. - "The glowing earth beneath her was shrinking fast." But it's not the earth that shrinking, it's the glow, I think. - There's something a bit off here "she tossed a handful far from herself, then felt the light from its dust". It seems to be implied that the dust belongs to something. - Not keen on the phrasing "felt out to the sun". - At this point in the story, I can see what she's doing, but I'd like to know why. Without meaning, it begins to feel like she's just playing a game. I don't know what the stakes are. Reading on, I see that you refer to it as a game on Page 4, which seemed to me to diminish the stakes. Is it only an amusement, or is she learning through play to prepare her for some task or role later in life? - How does she sense the sun's awareness of 'it', and by it I presumed you meant her tactic, but it wasn't that clear. Slightly later she senses scorn and frustration from the sun. That felt loose to me, tenuous. I couldn't help feeling that her sensing these emotions for more a reaction / impression in her rather than any sign that these emotions were present. - I didn't get a sense that there was an actual storm. It was raining, sure but, to me, that's not necessarily a storm. - I don't really follow how and where she's constructed this fortress of sunlight. I also can't quite get my head around "Without the light, it would dry up instantly" Does this mean the mud? Surely the sunlight would dry it up, and the absence of the sun would enable the mud to remain longer. Then again, if the mud is covering up this fortress of light, that energy is still there under the mud and would dry the mud out from below, wouldn't it? - "returning her reserves back to glowing mud" - I think. So, the mud insulates the hidden light, but the sand doesn't? - Mandamon and I were talking about this the other day. This section "making it all dry" comes after a reference to the dust, but dust is already dry, and the context sounds like maybe it's Sare that becomes all dry? - Where is Sare lying and when did she lie down? I got a bit disoriented at the top of Page 6, and again at the bottom of the same page when the dust is blown away. Is (was) she lying under a blanket of dust? Also, surely the sun can shine wherever it wants, as has been demonstrated so far, why is it limited by the shadow? - It's Page 7 and now there is a mention of trials and rites. This presumably is the reason for what Sare is doing. I think you could do with revealing that much earlier. Also, there's talk of her dying like her mother. As I mentioned earlier, I didn't really get a sense that the stakes were so high until now. - "She needed light" She has light, just not direct sunlight. - "was partly relieved" - "The new year's crops would never have a chance in the wasteland if she did not bring back the sun. It was the only thing keeping any plants alive for thousands of miles" But the plants need the rain too, surely. - Now on Page 8 is the full explanation for what she is doing. As noted earlier, I think it would help the tension to realise that the fate of her people is resting on what she is doing, which isn't clear for most of the story. - It's a very dramatic solution, her jumping off the edge had real impact, but I struggle with the mechanics of it. I've got no problem with her making this sacrifice and it's a surprising turn of events, but how can a little pinch of dust bring light to the land? I don't understand how it's possible, and because that massive effect is not foreshadowed, I'm left feeling a bit like something has be sprung on me. I enjoyed much about the story, but I think it could be strengthened a great deal by giving the reader more earlier on to understand what Sare is trying to achieve. Also, I think the reader needs to know the stakes earlier on, that failure means disaster for people and death for her. Still, I was pulled through the piece by the energy in the writing. I did find some of the description disorienting, and was not always sure what Sare was doing, but that's all fixable, of course. Very interesting, thanks for sharing!

In that case I shall follow, next section of Maths Bridge, on the understanding of dropping out as required.

Clone you, lol. (One day we will look back on that comment and wonder why we were laughing). Looking forward to your return, Stormweasel. Hang in there!

No, not yet read SLA, it's on my shelves in a prominent position and will be up soon. Currently reading The City by Stella Gemmell wife of the late David. Must admit I'm finding it rather dry, not really rooting for any of the protags, like fantasy by numbers. Well written, but lacking passion, I feel. But I'll finish it. Hate putting a book down. Home band, well, I've been in two or three metal bands in my time, playing guitar, but I can turn my hand to bass as it seems we would be somewhere near the lighter end of the musical spectrum. Country rock anyone? Gin Blossoms / Counting Crows are two of my many favourite bands at the moment.

Rofl. You should put it up as a writing prompt when you're on the cruise! Love to hear Howard's reaction to that! Ha ha, the Nolan Boys couldn't write that story. I don't even think The Doctor could write that story!!

Welcome Mr. Wednesday! Your arc sounds a bit like my own, only some (cough) years earlier. I too 'started' as a musician, and have only read Mistborn so far, although I have finished them up to date. How far caught up with Writing Excuses are you? I've just started on Season 8 - I tend to go through spurts, but am determined to get caught up! Looking forward to reading your work, sounds interesting and something different from what I've read on here in the 2 years I've been kicking around.

@Mr. Wednesday: thank you for commenting, very much appreciated, many people won't dive into something mid-way, so I'm much obliged to you. pg.2 - 'background' repetition - got it, pg. - on 'to occupy them' - hmm, I feel it gives the sentence a different sense when omitted, but I might replace it - one for the edit, pg. - your self-awareness point is an excellent comment - on review I do agree, I'll rework, pg.5 - oops, too much of a good thing : o ) pg10. - typo - thank you, pg.11 - iterating, yes, I agree, too modern a word probably, I'm really pleased that there was some stuff in the submission that worked for you. Always interesting what some find effective and others don't, like the candle passage. Super comments, thank so much.