Robinski

...................a pig indeed! I am outraged, sir, outraged by the insinuation that I would anything other than the very soul of brevity, succinctness and concision in my writing and crtiquing!! ;op

Good comments, thank you. I guess it's almost inevitable that there would be questions or uncertainties in something so short, but I'm inclined to take up the challenge and try to fix those issues that you flag. Funny thing, I wrote the piece some months ago, and on reviewing before posting, I won back another 8 words, which I then 'blew' on giving the captain (Powell, which I tried to convey from her tone - yes, her!) another 4 whole words of dialogue! I really enjoyed the discipline of the thing. It's like a word game or a code, almost - but that's just my competitive streak reappearing. Thanks again.

I'm still working my way through the WE back catalogue. I need to get back on it, as I haven't listed to one for about 4 or 5 months, bit have currently reached Season 7. I think there are valuables lessons to be learned from Episode 4, entitled "Brevity" - which I would subtitle, the art of leaving words out. Brandon tells a good story about Niven and Pournelle having "Mote In God's Eye" accepted by a publisher(?) but being told it was too long and to cut it by 10%. They literally went through the book and cut out 10% of the words, page by page. I absolutely love that, and can testify that it is possible for almost any draft of a story. So, the writing prompt, from Howard, was as follows: Give us a group of people on a long trip in space with a problem, which they solve. Do it in 150 words. I don't see the point in emailing this around, it's 150 words for goodness sake!! So here is my final draft. It took me 3 days to write, man, that brevity takes a long time to get 'right'. Anyway, would love to get your comments. Without further ado... "Brevity" by Robinski In years of planning and modelling, they hadn't considered this. Auto-docs monitored health, coordinating diet and exercise, recommending leisure based on psychometrics. Four crew awake for four weeks annually, rotating with another forty-four in stasis. Research confirmed that stasis suspended ageing. The scientists had green-flagged the mission. Progress had been optimal. Ten years gone, sixty-four remaining, yesterday, Miller had lifted the first corpse from its capsule. Of four opened, only Dreyfus had been alive. Of the next twelve, only Mai Jong-Won lived. Five anxious faces stared at Miller. ‘Remaining life signs are A1.’ ‘So were the others,’ Powell snapped. ‘What’s the arithmetic?’ ‘At the same attrition there would be nine left. With stasis, we’d age thirty-two years, without it, sixty-four. Powell shook her head, ‘Too old, or dead.’ ‘There is an answer.’ They all looked at Dreyfus, slow panic becoming desperate hope. ‘Reproduction – we need to breed a new crew.’ The frustrating thing is that this gives rise to lots of interesting ideas, I think, so I might have to write it out into a short story - oh, the irony. Anyway, comments greatly appreciated.

I'd like to submit on Monday. It's a bit of a stand-alone curio, but I haven't submitted anything for feels like ages. It won't trouble the workload, it's only 150 words, the reason for which will be revealed... tomorrow! (Unless I can't submit, in which case it won't.)

Hmm, did I disagree? I'm going to have to go back to the Start Write Now group and check what I said... <ctrl-Tab>

I enjoyed the tension of this episode, the action and the confrontation. The reveal of the machine is interesting. I guess they moved the guy that Mort and her crew were looking for, as Contempt knew that they were coming. He seemed a bit too easy to deal with somehow, like he forgot about Eddrin, which felt like a rookie mistake. Also, their escape from the prison was awful easy, they didn’t even see a guard or another hand – awful convenient. Where were they all? Mort’s encounter with The Thinker was a bit curious, intriguing. He seemed very reasonable and her reaction was interesting, like it was outwith her control. The drugs seemed to have a strong effect, but short-lived, as if she wasn’t disoriented very long. Maybe she only got a slight nick. I enjoyed the flight from the prison, thought it was well described, although rather easy, as noted. Looking forward to the next submission, detailed comments follow. I forget who Sari is, but not an issue I'm sure if I was reading right through between submissions. "...jacket pocket, then moved to..." - continuation of sentence. It sounds awkward when you're talking about the Hands and you use phrases like "had a hand in" and "knew first hand", I think there are probably alternative phrases, as I think it would help flow and style to avoid that clash. Also, "...knew first hand of the horrors he was capable of." - awkward phrasing. I would drop the first 'of'. Strictly accurate grammar would, I think, be "...knew firsthand the horrors of which he was capable." Also, you refer to the horrors as disasters, which they certainly are for the victim, but they are 'only' experiencing them i.e. passively, whereas the Hand is inflicting them. I think a more usual phrasing would be from the active (Hand's) perspective, i.e. using the word 'atrocity' instead of 'disaster'. I you think about references to Nazis or modern genocides, 'atrocity' is often the word used. (Sorry, super long paragraph for a quibble, I apologise). I'm surprised that neither Eddrin nor Percy objects / questions going on, given that they were almost discovered. I was half-expecting an argument there. The phrase "Percy and Eddrin close behind" seems to crop up quite often, to the point that it might be worth changing it up, by way of illustration "The other two at her heals" - or something like that. Good tension and urgency in the description of the noise and then shadows coming up the stairs. "Barowsky" jarred with me - very eastern European sounding name for a fantasy setting. Also, having a conversation all in one paragraph is unconventional and difficult to follow, should more properly be separate paragraphs. Not “Him and Percy...” Percy and he, he and Percy? “The three of them” is more streamlined if you just say “They jumped back.” Extra words just end up getting culled in the edit. “A worm is merely a worm at the end of the day,” doesn’t sound right. This form of expression is usually qualified in some way, I would say, like “A worm with teeth is still a worm at the end of the day.” “ground” twice in one sentence. Mort’s internal monologue is rather pointless sometimes. She think to herself to get out, run, then she runs – seems unnecessary to me. I would finish on “She was alive” – the next line is a beginning, which seems off to me.

I can tell you need your sleep from you telling Stormweasel to "keep righting" - lol - go to bed!!

On some of the other comments, I agree with Mandamon on sticking in the one POV in Dinner Theatre. The rat's POV also seemed a little odd, but how else do you do that? Imagining film footage of the scene, you probably wouldn't be seeing through the rat's eyes, but watching it scuttling around from another perspective, i.e. the narrative rather than a character, or maybe from Chatter's perspective, but just without any cues that show it's a person watching until that pebble is launched. There's a really good episode of Writing Excuses on POV, it's an early one S2 or 3 maybe, where Brandon gives the Writing Prompt, which is to write four short scenes in the same particular setting (I used a town square)each one from a different person's POV. The point was to illustrate that different characters will notice different things in a setting. In my town square, a hawker would see how many potential customers there were around the square; a nobleman might notice the condition of the place and whether there were any comfortable lodgings to be had - I honestly can't remember what my characters were, maybe I'll post it up here. Point being, it was a good podcast on POV and a good exercise. As for plotting - I think the snowflake method or a version of it, is probably what most writers would do naturally. "I'm going to write a fantasy story where a kid finds a ring and it rocks the world and threatens humanity" then break it down from there. If you don't have that first very high level idea, then you don't know where you're going. I wonder if your creation of numerous strong characters is working against your plotting and outlining, and that concentrating on one or two who would drive the plot and letting the others be secondary would make any difference? For my current project, Waifs & Strays, I deliberately created four strong characters at the start with the intention that they would be the core of the story. What has occurred is that two have formed the active core and the other two have been somewhat marginalised. That said, at 90,000 words, the second two are, I think, about to come to the fore, or certainly much more to the foreground. Also, I had a 10 page outline and I've diverged from it several times, so it's really only a tool, not a straightjacket. I'm sure you'll get there. I am really keen to read an extended narrative with your characters.

To summarise before going into more detailed comments, I really enjoyed all of these pieces. I’ll repeat, I think you have pleasing and comfortable style that is very readable, and a real knack for establishing characters effectively and economically. This is only your second submission that I’ve read and I’ve been engaged by both. Because of the nature of them, they have been a bit fragmented, episodic, and I would really enjoy reading several submissions of yours with a progressing narrative and plot. Potted impressions of each piece: Dulcet’s Hammer – lovely establishing portrait of the character, I want to learn more about her. Dragon Hawk – great sense of wonder when the ship appears, nice detail on Johnny. Dinner Theatre – excellent arc with nice twists that almost could stand on its own as a short story. Rathstone is a good villain, put me in mind of Frank Underwood, but probably ‘cause I just finished House of Cards S2. Piglio, Chatter and the Mountain – good teaser trailer of a scene, strong characters, nice dynamic and an excellent hint at a depth of plot (the sigil and the duty) that demands for the reader to read on – if there was more. Dulcet’s Hammer “graced with the... ability”? I like the description of Dulcet, it strong and positive, not flowery and clever in its detail – like the bead of sweat running down her neck. The word legend bothered me a little, it jarred for me, like going a bit too far. The second paragraph is very poetic, but I thought it diminished the effect of the first, I thought you had clinched a very strong impression with that firsts paragraph and I felt that second was unnecessary – gilding the lily. The makes an interesting comparison with your first submission, which I’ve just read. In my opinion (please disregard at will, as this going beyond critique), this would be a better opening for your story. There a very effective description of a strong character and we learn about the setting, i.e. where we are and a hint at the socio-political situation. Personally, I think Dulcet is your most interesting character. Fleet-footed thieves(?) and inscrutable assassins are ten-a-penny in modern fantasy. “Something had happened Illia two years ago which had left everyone nervous” (about what?) “...and the moon waned,” (I guess?) I gather her father beats her or something on those lines? This just makes her all the more interesting as a character. “unconsciously picking” sounded contradictory to me, maybe “unconsciously taking”? If she picked it, that would be a conscious act, would it not? (Am I being excessively pedantic? I think I am!) Dragon Hawk Does Tebo know he has a small intestine? Again, for me, Johnny is so stark against names like Tebo and Murdoc, etc. “...lumbering ox” – unless you have created a different creature for your story I found Murdoc’s accent being so thick a little distracting. It’s like no one else (across the two submissions) has an accent (which they presumably actually do, although more subtle, then suddenly there’s Murdoc. Very effective description of Tebo going up the stairs and the stairs – I was there. And, LOL, “good” books – ouch, that’s cutting! Enjoyed the reveal of the Dragon Hawk – nicely done, building the excitement. Johnny is a very interesting character. Hardly the only (apparently) ‘simple’ character in fiction or even fantasy, but it’s not all that common a trope and marks your story out from a lot of others. A very good section, I though, it left me wanting to read more. Between this submission and your last one, I feel a bit unsettled – like these are scattered fragments of a novel that I definitely want to read. I guess maybe this reflects your earlier comments about being happier writing characters and less directed on plotting and arcs. If you could conquer that, I think you would have a really good story here – centred on character, which I think is the only kind of story worth reading. Dinner Theatre Intriguing start and hints at what might be going on. Good sense of character straight away. I'm picturing an ornate dining room, but that’s my imagining, I don’t really have any blocking to go by. I believe you only need to capitalise duke or lady, when used in junction with the name, i.e. a particular duke or lady. So “Well, if something happened to you, duke, where would we go...” Please forgive my presumption in commenting on grammar, I know it’s frowned upon by the Critiquers’ Guild, but it’s something I'm really quite passionate about. Nice analogy to the seals and your quick sketch of the assembled nobles was perfectly adequate for me to form an impression. Ah ha, and now the suspected slaughter begins, casually alluded to by Rathstone (good name) with his comment that someone was going away. Regur demise is a gleeful mockery of gallows humour, and I think it’s always important to have a counterpoint – total slaughter would be less interesting, so the Defence Minister’s resistance is rousing, giving a little doomed hope before it is snatched away in a truly gruesome way. Rathstone is gloriously cold-blooded and effective. I did think that naming Othram so late was a touch disorienting, as you had established him in my mind as the Defence Minister. I felt a real pang when he fell after such spirited defence even in the face of his certain doom. “night’s work” Oh, so scheming that he only hired the second best mercenaries, I thought that was a clever touch. Ha-ha, and then construct the alibi, it’s fantasy PR, spin of the highest and darkest order – nice idea. The duke’s name changes from Rathstone to Rathbone. Given the choice, I’d stick with Rathstone, as Rathbone could lead to a connection with Basil Rathbone, who played Sherlock Holmes in a long series of movies in the forties with Nigel Bruce as the hapless Waton. He was the Holmes that I was brought up on (re-runs!) and, despite the wartime propaganda speeches at the end of the some films, he was a noble Holmes, full of guile, but not afraid of resort to fisticuffs or a service revolver. I thought that Calvius’ murder of Menistus was obvious, but still a worthwhile note. I though it added a dimension to the staging affair, but more importantly, allowed Calvius to observe that Menistus’ death would most likely only serve to make him more famous. What a clever and melancholy note, that even in his moment of victory, Calvius knows that he is almost certainly sealing his rival’s fame and consigning himself to spending posterity in the man’s literary shadow. It’s not exactly how you’ve left that encounter, but it’s how I choose to interpret it. Unsure how I feel about the ‘stream of consciousness’ representing the final killings. I enjoyed this section of the story a good deal. I presume it’s part of the wider Piglio, Chatter and the Mountain So, there are actually four chapters? Captain Pedant reporting for duty – no apostrophe when “its” is possessive, the apostrophe is used for the contraction of “it is” – sorry. That’s the best insult I think I’ve ever heard – “Your grandmother was a lucky shot” – LMAO. I like Tyn as a contraction of his full nickname, and I like the establishment of the characters. Most have a snapshot description that gives the reader a working image straight away. I think it’s more proof, if it was needed, of your ability to sketch good, distinct characters. I think that’s a real strength. I like the set-up too. It’s got familiar elements, the new boy in town; a loaner; a quiet one; a picked-on one; token female (oops!); a training trope, but for me you’ve put them together in an interesting and pleasing way. It’s not Harry Potter or Katniss Everdeen, receiving their training from an educational establishment, I like it. There’s a lot of talk about “knuckle bumps”, for one thing that’s a modern thing that brings me out of the story, and it comes up a lot. I’ve assumed that we’re still in the same fantasy setting though, so maybe I'm wrong. Also, there must be another word for “knuckle bump”, it’s a rather unwieldy expression, maybe the youngsters on here will know – I'm just not street enough to advise on that. “smouldering” “set off at a jog” Nooooooooo! What happens next? I really enjoyed this, you established some good characters with a nice dynamic between them, and a mystery in the sigil in Tyn’s pocket. I love the phrase “unyielding face of his duty” that’s an absolute cocker – well done.

There is no substitute for experience... and good posture. Also, I'm only f**king 48, why would I be run down? Cheeky young pup! ;o) And another thing, youth isn't a barrier to being a good writer, as there are countless examples to prove, just keep writing!

No worries, it took me 4 months to comment on your story!!! Good luck with the move - no one properly understands chaos until they have moved home.

Ah ha! We have a winner, I'm "only" 48, that mileage thing is so true, or so my physio said yesterday... Anyway, more power to your writing elbow, just don't strain it.

You're more than welcome, it was a pleasure read. I'm half way through your later submission, not got to Dinner Theatre yet, probably this evening. I used to think I was the old man of the forum, but maybe not... ; o )

Ha-ha, yes, math has a lot to answer for. I'll watch the video, sounds intriguing. Here's my parting shot on the matter. Infinity is infinite, it's self-defining. I think that any qualification made to a definition of infinity renders that which is being described as a lesser part of the (always larger) infinity. Totally going to watch that video tomorrow.

I enjoyed this, there’s a confidence in the writing style that I think is effective, I felt it flowed really well. The characters are all quite distinctive, and considering the reader is introduced to, I don’t know how many in 2,600 words, that’s good going. Introducing so many characters so quickly at the start of a novel seems a bit risky, because there is such a lot of information, and little in the way of drama, almost like it’s a list of information. The prologue is dramatic certainly, but I don’t really have any sense after this submission of what the story is about, or what the setting is. Not a huge issue, as it’s a short section, but I would be wanting that information soon. Looking at the other comments, I’ll agree with Lerroy and Mandamon that the Prologue is probably the weakest part. There’s some lovely poetic description there, and I think it serves the function of a prologue in that it gives is some information that you can’t given in the context of the start of the story, but there’s not much in that prologue, barely a hint. I did give Lerroy some comments on description*. They came from my perspective as a reformed detailer, but I would say that there is a some middle ground between just saying ‘woods’ and giving just a little more than that to set the scene. Blocking is something I have become much more conscious of in my own writing. I think of it is the ‘just enough’ description to allow the reader to put themselves in the scene. So, they’re in the woods, and everyone can picture that, but you might have some picturing deciduous woodland and others with an image of a pine forest, and it’s unlikely that anyone will imagine the weather unless you tell them about it. Is it hot or cold, raining or dry? These things probably don’t matter to the story, but help to create mood and might give a pantser somewhere to go with a scene if it needed a push. (* - Hey Lerroy, I think maybe you meant ‘enthusiastic critic’ rather than the phrase you used. There are people on here who have read my writing, remember!! : o ) I'm not meaning to contradict what Lerroy and I discussed, just saying that some description in necessary for creative purposes, but being economical is important. Characters will (should!!) always be more interesting than the weather or the grain of the wooded table. Sorry, I'm prattling on, but you asked about characters too. I used to pants everything, now I right a quarter page character sketch and a 2 (ish) page plot outline covering the first half of the story. I often don’t stick to either. I don’t think you need to feel constrained by these things, quite the opposite. Think of character sketches as a trellis to support the character’s growth, but not to define it, as it’s a natural thing and could branch off the fixed path of its own accord at some point. Without the trellis though, it’s much harder for the character to grow. Looking forward to reading the next submission, which I will do now! Detailed comments below. Dramatic opening paragraph, the comparison to a lute bothered me a little, it’s not the most impressive of instruments. I think if a mast is missing, you’re not thinking about a dangerous crossing, but of whether you’re going to make it at all. I appreciate is depends on the type of vessel, but all masts have a job to do, and if one is missing, then you’ve got major problems. I had to Google ‘scrimshaw’. I’ve heard the word, but couldn’t remember what it meant. I’ll bet a fair proportion of readers wouldn’t. The opening sequence is very dramatic, and there is tension in it, despite the fact that there are no characters yet, but I think there is merit in keeping the vocabulary in the realms of the familiar, to avoid tripping people up. Again, never heard the word ‘direful’ – I can guess the meaning, but why not just say ‘dire’ and then everyone will get the sense of the sentence? I know I’ve quibbled about a couple of words, but I'm enjoying your writing style. To me, the grammar is good and pretty tight (not always that case on here!), and it makes the whole thing flow, but there is also a nice turn of phrase that (to me) keeps the reader engaged. “...position the a final barrel...” Interestingly, I’ve just commented on this with Sprouts story, but the mixing of Caucasian names with fictitious ones is rather odd to me. Johnny is such as all-American apple pie name, it sounds odd next to Garlem and Tebo. I like the gentle humour in the narrative – the women apparently offended by the fish – nice. It’s also refreshing to see ‘snagged’ as an alternative to ‘grabbed’, which appears a lot around here. “...snagged some cheese one of the crates...” ‘back pack’ one word, I think. Hmm, The Needle is certainly a cold-blooded character. “...grateful sisters.” - LOL Whoa, Illian? – going to have to stop you there, that’s straight out of Wheel of Time. I must presume you haven’t read those books. There’s a real flood of names at the start of Magda’s section, but they are all in context, so I can accept them, although it’s verging on info dump, and I don’t expect to remember many of them if they come up again. What you’ve done intertwining the various opening scenes with the journey of Magda is interesting. I think it works. “Now she opened her stride and ran in a way that showed why she was often called Magda the Fleet, or Magda Deerfoot” – this is a bit on the nose for me, you don’t need to spell everything out for the reader, trust them to work things out, especially something obvious like this. “The three of them were the only ones from that night not living with someone in town.” I presume you mean the night when the ranger died, the only ones from the thirteen. I'm thinking they are orphans then, if they’re placed with families in town. There’s a bit of a syntax meltdown in the section where she’s thinking about Paulus – presume others have raised that. It strikes me now that “Mr. Gray” is an odd name when no one else in the story (so far) is named in that form. It acts like an illuminated sign over his head.

I'm afraid when it comes down to it, I just like discussing these things, but I'm not willing to put in the hard yards actually reading expert opinion - too much like university, which I left behind a long time ago. I can't accept positive and negative infinity. To me, that's just picking an arbitrary point and saying you can go an infinite distance in either direction (or an infinite number of directions) and each of those directions is a different entity. I can't see that, it must all be part of the same infinity. Regardless of where you are in the universe, there are an infinite number of directions in which you could travel, because you would be limiting them to two dimension, I think. I can accept that there are an infinite number of measurements or gradations between '0' and '1' (or any other pair of numbers), but when you go beyond '1', you're still in the same infinity as you were in between '0' and '1'. The number '1' is a man-made construct that we use to help us understand the universe, but the universe does not understand '1', it just keeps on going right through '1' on it's way to infinity - but never gets there, of course. The problem with this discussion I think is that, ultimately, it ends up as a discussion about the nature of God - or perhaps it's the same as a discussion about the nature of God, after all, I believe the bible (or is it the Qua-ran) says "God is infinite" - maybe that's a misprint, maybe it should read "God is infinity." Btw, I'm not at all religious.

I like the poise with which you responded to my criticism - it certainly befits a self-styled nobleman! Also, I agree with and respect your stance on how to respond to a critique. I'm looking forward to reading your next submission.

But, the Oxford Dictionary defines 'infinite' as limitless or endless. In you argument, it seems to me that '0' and '1' are limits. So another interpretation would be that, because there are more numbers beyond your first infinity (I'm looking at you here, Lightyear!!), surely it cannot be considered infinite. The true infinity is one without limits, by definition. I submit that, whatever it is that exists between '1' and '0', it is not infinity, and neither is anything else that has a limit place on it. Another part of the definition is 'impossible to measure', however any school kid with a ruler could measure the so called infinity between '0' and '1', at least in two dimensions. So, semantically speaking, my old world view remains intact. Here's a counter-crazy theory. Maybe what exists between each whole number is, in fact, a parallel universe. This would be infinite in theory, but distinct in actuality. In other words, a fart on this multiple infinity theory! (And that's a paraphrase of Arthur Miller, who was married to Marilyn Monroe and therefore cannot be wrong).

On the names thing, I don't think it's too late to change them, from a reader's viewpoint, as we've only just encountered then this week, although if you've written a lot more material using those names, I wouldn't object to you keeping them through the first draft of your story. It then becomes that much harder to change them of course! Tricky one. I mentioned my first novel in another post and how it will never be submitted because of the many things wrong with it, which I learned through WE. One of the things, and this is REALLY spectacular, is that I somehow ended up with a protagonist called Dargol (terrible name to start with) and his relationship character being called Dazkin - really, I'm not kidding - how dumb is that? Anyway, I guess my point is that names can be powerful allies, but can also be an Achilles heel... (hmm, good name that). Having drawn you attention to it - don't feel obligated to change Mort if you don't want to - or just tweak it slightly - Marta, Mowt, Mol, Mot - there are always options. I'm not smart enough to argue with you on the infinities thing, I'll just keep quiet and nurture my skepticism. On Percy, the humour was maybe a bit slapstick in places. I think your idea can work (for me) and it's just in the handling. Like maybe his drunkenness (or inebriation) is not a focus of overt humour, but he's trying to hide it and Mort sees small signs (e.g. breath is always a tell-tale of excess) then calls him on it and they get into an argument over it. Harsh words are spoken and there's tension within the team even before the job starts. Looking forward to this week's. I'll get to it, by I owe Stormweasel a look at his last two first. : o )

I enjoyed the tone and thought the characters had distinct personalities, but I did have some issues with certain behaviour and set up. I liked that there was some humour through it. Percy’s line “Wrong turn?” and the response made me smile. The Hands feel suitably threatening and imposing, that’s good. I will say that some of the names have thrown me a little. Mad Thinker is a Marvel Villain in Fantastic Four and Mort is a Terry Pratchett character in his fourth novel, “Mort”. I doubt there would be any legal issue with using Mort, as it’s a contraction of Mortimer, so I doubt it could by copyrighted (Warning: I am not an expert, a lawyer, or a copyrighter!). Similarly, I'm not sure one could copyright “Thinker” as a title, but what do I know. So, right from the off we’re into some heavy stuff. I'm contrasting this with the less impactful opening chapter, which did not grab my attention. I'm not saying “Grab people’s attention with stomach-churning violence”, just that it’s worth considering carefully the first impression that your story makes. WE often talk about discarding the first scene, or even chapter in the edit, when you realise where the significant opening is and where the promises to the reader are. Overall, I'm still enjoying the story. It feels like it is properly started know. Good pace of events, tension and threat. Final comment in summary, the gang carrying out a job, and the Hands, Mort’s observation of the execution – these elements do feel rather Mistborn-y (referring to the separate thread on the subject. Detail comments follow. You use the word “mask” twice in the same sentence. Can you have multiple infinities? Interesting question! ‘Hand of the Thinker’, for me, brought to mind ‘Hand of the King’, pretty much straight away. “cut over” seemed awkward to me – I thought “cut off” or “drowned out”. (suggest) “...balcony she had been waiting on” (tense confusion) “Who knows what’s in this puddle.” Hmm, I doubt very much that Percy is the best thief in town when he is so inept – very unprofessional. Either that or there aren’t many thieves this side of the mountains. I think it casts a big question mark over his credibility, but also over Mort’s judgement. Seems a very strange place to find a toad, from the description I kind of doubt there any ponds or gardens nearby. (awkward phrasing ) “Light lit the walls of the tunnel up ahead, reflecting on the walls...” No way would you keep a glass flask rolled up in blanket with a bunch of metals things. That’s going to be broken as it’s carried, or roll away when you unroll the blanket. “She figured her chances... was were about as likely as...” – also, phrasing of chances being likely sounds odd to me. “...up to next to the bend...” Why must there be noise beyond the door? Don’t see that that follows automatically. I gather this is the main entrance to the prison, seems very inaccessible. I'm guessing that it’s not all that large a prison, as it seems that there is not much capacity to get larger numbers of people in or out together. I'm thinking of evacuating or guards gaining access. Seems to me the alarm bells (in Mort’s head) should be ringing pretty hard right now, or she’s really not experienced at this sort of thing or, even if she is not, Percy, as an expert thief should have grave misgivings and be protesting, I think. “...Sari and he had discovered...” “intel” is a modern word – way out of context. Ah, Percy shows some chops as a thief by noticing the hidden door, that’s better. It’s not that I have a problem with a thief being a drunkard, but to be considered a decent thief, I would think his being drink on arrival at the job would be unusual and therefore Mort would have been angrier and maybe remarked on how unusual it was, how he’d let her down, put the success of the job at risk, etc. I like the drool image, a nice economic description that immediately paints a picture of the guard’s condition. I wonder if Mort should be more worried. This is the worst-guarded prison I can recall reading about. Doesn’t it scream “Trap!”? The baguette is slightly farcical, or rather, tends to reinforce Percy’s farcical behaviour up to now. Is he intended to be the fool of the piece, because he’s coming across that way? Not saying it’s wrong, just that I think it tends to conflict with his profession as an expert thief. Can eyes sputter? Not sure they can. Also, repetition of “eyes”. Repetition of “back” in the same sentence. Hang on, is Percy’s first noise supposed to be him trying to attract Mort’s attention? If he’s heard guards coming surely there is no way he’s going to delay bringing it to her attention. They are in mortal danger. “...forced it over his face.” If the guards are coming for them, I'm struggling with the time frame. From the time that Percy made the first noise, or even from the time that Mort became aware of the guards coming, it must have taken at least maybe 3 minutes for her to think it out, the others to get in the crates, Mort to knock out the guard. The corridor did not strike me as that long and the guards presumably know where they are going. Strikes me they should have arrived before now. “tip-off” strikes me as a modern word as well. I know the WE guys have discussed this and I think Brandon’s view is that it isn’t a problem, he uses modern words because they are part of the lens that a modern readership considers the telling of the story. That is his opinion, mine is different. Using such modern terms draws me out of the story. Maybe I'm a fuddy-duddy, but I think preserving the tone of the piece by using language that is consistent with the setting is important. Then again, he’s sold a ‘billion’ books and I’ve sold ‘0’, but I’ve read a good few... The mixture of ‘western’ names and fictional names is a little distracting sometimes – personal impression. Again, Percy provides a comical, almost farcical touch, but it does create sudden and effective tension. Repetition of “room” in the same sentence, then another “room” soon after, also, it’s not a pool of darkness, surely, but completely dark?

What? Well his/her profile is gender non-specific.

Hmm, interesting... I like that you want to make Eve emotionally stunted, which is course fits entirely from her upbringing as a Sapient. So far, I'd say that needs some refinement. If it was me, I think I'd use words like 'stoney-faced', 'expressionless', 'numb', 'blank', etc. in describing her reaction to things around her. I'm not sure how much you acutally describe her reactions though, which makes that difficult. In the awkward scene where Certa thinks she's angry, and waits till she's not angry, but isn't sure, I would consider simplifying it. It's okay for him not to know how she feels at all, that's really what you're looking for, I think. I would err on the side of caution. I doubt very much that anyone here would avoid reading your work if it had a 'L' on it. Also, on the name confusion thing, I would take my comments with a pinch of salt. I critique by writing what I feel as I read. The reader being a bit confused at the start of a story by the names doesn't mean you need to explain everything clearly from the off, which is going to slow you down severly. I think you could add just a little more context to some of the names and it would be fine, without going into info dump territory, which would be dangerous ground.

You might want to check the Rules post, but I recall it being done once in the past. I think if everyone was resubmitting from one week to the next it would be banned, but I, personally, wouldn't mind reading a revision. Even if Silk SLAMS this suggestion with her/his mighty Hammer of Moderation, I'd be willing to read it again if you mail me direct. Also, be VERY wary about using the word 'perfect' around here... ; o )

I've got a real tendency to quibble about minor things that a person would fix in the edit, but it comes from being an engineer and wanting to be precise about everything, as if I'm the sole arbiter of grammar, ha!! The 'x' thing was nothing, really, it was just the first comment - don't even think about it again. I'm real pleased you changed your mind on present tense, although I've used it myself in a short story I hope to submit in the next couple of months, which is part past, part present - but for a whole nevel, I would struggle, personally. On the table thing, I didn't get that it was a demonstration of unusual strength, of course, because of the reference to the weak wood, but it kind of implies that the table was ready to collapse. I'm sure there's another way to demosntrate her strength, but I'm not sure if you really need it where. In my view, the hammer thing works well.