Robinski

As usual, Mandamon has seen deeper than me and makes a good point about the issues at hand. Now that he says it, I can agree that I would be more invested (I am now, but would be more so) if I knew more about the stakes (lol, mega-pun!!).

Interesting chapter, I enjoyed it. I enjoyed most of the interplay between the characters, and I think you could punch it up even more by reading it out loud and cutting it down where you can. I think people generally minimise the number of words they use and complexity of phrasing, certainly in 'casual' conversation (as opposed to presentation, say). Details below, but my main issues were wordiness and some telling. Good job - on to Chapter 3, which I will get back to you on much quicker (I trust). ------------------------- I'm not keen on sunlight 'gliding'. Light travels at a squllion miles and hour, whereas gliding sounds rather too relaxed (i.e. slow). "The sunlight enriched the highlights of her caramel-colored skin as it lit up her pale brown skin." This lady has a lot of skin. Also, you're really hammering the sunlight angle. It seemed a bit much. Is it all so you can make a point that he doesn't burn to a crisp - is he a vampire? "plush leather sofa" - although I do like the idea that his chull is so big he needs an extra-large sofa. "raging douchebag" - rofl I'm struggling a bit with the punctuation. For one thing, a dialogue tag is generally part of the same sentence. When Renfield says 'I don't know' it seemed to me he was shouting rather than saying. 'what that Ma…' - I guess he was going to say Master - but he wouldn't say 'that' Master' - presumably 'the Master'? A lot of the tags are 'Renfield' and 'Evelyn'. When it's just the two of them, I would go sparingly with the names and use maybe 75% 'he' and 'she', which is quicker for the reader to scan over. When it comes to said bookisms, I recall Brandon saying that 'he said' is pretty much invisible to the reader, so it makes the story skip along faster. 'the vet' - lol There's a nice spark to the exchange with Bannister, especially him and Evelyn, but there are also some tell-y bits of exposition that I felt were rather blatant. I think taking a pass at this scene and cutting out the unnecessary words, of which there are several, and punching up the dialogue (by reading it out loud), would help this scene zip. Same with the starting scene actually, I think reading it out loud would help you cut down the wordiness and zip of the dialogue. Not getting charged - lol, nice humour. There's no realistic chance of Bannister bleeding out, from the description, so I would rephrase that. Presumably, Renfield is an expert on people bleeding out, so he would know this, for example. "Renfield wished there was a realistic chance that Bannister could have bled out." or something like that. Another example of wordiness and unnecessary words in dialogue. I don't see a reason for Evelyn to say Bannister when he's the only one in the room. I accept that someone might use a name for emphasis, but it didn't seem necessary here. 'lowering the bottle from his mouth' - And I would be cautious about the whisky drinking thing. It's a bit of cliche, and in reality, people don't do that, so it affects the tone of the story. If you're going for big, brash action romp, with Hugh Jackman playing Bannister (for example) then it probably works, but if it's more thoughtful, edgy mystery drama with say Christian Bale doing method Bannister, then maybe not. (apologies for odd example). Something that I'm guilty of too is indirectness of phasing. I reckon this is a good example. "Renfield realized Bannister was looking right at him. He sheepishly opened the door and walked in..." compare with "Bannister looked right at him and Renfield opened the door, walking in sheepishly" - Renfield realising takes away the directness and adds words, for my 5c anyway. One hundred mil!!!! Wow! It's an eye-catching punchline, but I do wonder what their economy must be like.

To all who have critiqued at any stage, and especially to those who stuck with it to the end, I am humbled by your dedication and very grateful for your indispensable comments. It's a huge understatement to say that they have been useful - they will make the story so much better than I could on my own. Thank you. Rutland Blacklake will return! <roll credits>

Mandamon, excellent comments, I would expect no less, thank you for sticking with it and challenging me. I can feel the story getting better with each week of critique. As with all the other submission, I totally agree that the whole thing can be tightened up and clarified. There are numerous instances where events need to be supported by better description, but also less telling. It's a work in progress but it's so reassuring to be pointed in directions that feel right and ripe for revision. Three of the six stories are completed. I posted on this somewhere, ah, found it! 1 - To Sail Beyond Sleep (24,600 word novella) - complete first draft 2 - The Tontine Inn by the Shore (17,370 word novelette) - complete second draft 3 - (Cornwall story - 1,170 word outline - so far!) 4 - The Mathematical Bridge (63,858 61,000 word novel) - complete first draft 5 - (Venice story - 967 word idea) 6 - (Norfolk story - who knows!) I think I might switch the last two - Venice feels like a good place to finish the saga. Mandamon, I am especially indebted to you for critiquing two of my stories in parallel. Call on me any time for your alpha/ beta/ proof reading needs!

Thank you RDP, much appreciated. Love your reaction to the twist - lol. Show don't tell is always something that I need to hear - guilty a charged. Overall, I'm encouraged and certainly be writing the sequel sometime. There are six stories planned, which might become a different form in the end (novel / trilogy). I'm certainly conscious that this one could be tightened up. At 61,000 words it's probably too long rather than too short - I already cut 2,000 words just in editing for submission each week. Your comments have been absolutely invaluable and I've really appreciated how positive and encouraging you've remained through the whole process - thank you so much. (p.s. - I need to apologise for not critiquing Scholomancer Chp2 last week - I'm actually a third into it, but just couldn't find the time - that's next on my list )

Thank you Fox, some great comments there, I love that you called me on the pacing thing. Like all the best comments, I can see it as soon as you say it, but something must have blind to it before. It's been a theme all through the critiquing and even going in, I knew I was guilty of dwelling on character thoughts too long. I like to think that I'm moving away from that issue in my current writing, but have more work to do. I'm sure I could spare a few words for more description in places, glad it works for you where it appears. Intriguing that you changed your mind in relation to the Tarquin 'delving' Excellent point on the potential to discover something in Tarquin's thoughts, I wonder if that would be a distraction or not - I'll think on that. Probably do need more certainty on Tarquin's situation when Blacklake leaves. Very interested that you like the feel of the 'magic', as one of two have had problems with the lack of specifics. I'm glad to hear a counter opinion, as I am not keen on heavily proscribed magic systems - we're not role playing or gaming here. I know they have their place, and I will try writing one some time, but I like the feeling of mystery and hopefully to surprise the reader sometimes. This said, I do agree that I need some better definition of the particular effects at some points in this story, i.e. what's actually happening. Excellent comments, thank you again Fox. (p.s. How's you story coming? Hoping for more chapters.)

Here is the last part of The Mathematical Bridge, the epilogue. Don’t be mad now, I'm just the author. Comments gratefully accepted. Cheers, Robinski

Hi Bryan, welcome to Reading Excuses. I look forward to reading some of your work. We're kind of middling on the business range at the moment, there are usually two of three submissions of a Monday, so definitely room for more contributors, and we'll be very pleased to review your stuff and give you encouraging comments. I'm just the welcoming committee (this time). Silk, is the boss. Best plan initially is to give the guidelines a read, if you haven't already. Mandamon has just finished submitting a novel over about 20 weeks or more, and I'm in a similar position - will be submitting a prologue on Monday, so I'm sure you'll find that there's scope to submit. Like you I stumbled on here through Sanderson and the WE podcast, do you partake of that? Anyway, good to meet you!

Yes on the Clement thing. I'm still harbouring the idea that the six 'different stories' will be part of the same novel, which would remove that particular issue of course. I guess I could go heavier on the telling in relation to Clement. I mention Daphne Preston earlier in this story, who was also a victim from The Tontine Inn by the Shore. Spot on in relation to the bridge as well - thanks.

@RDPulfer: Thank you for those comments. It's pleasing to hear your positives, and you've called me on clarity, as Mandamon did, and you are right of course. I can feel it myself when I'm reading those bits, and it will be my primary challenge when I come to the edit. Interesting point on Mrs. Walker. At 62,000 words, this is not a long story. I don't see me adding another side character, but there may be scope for her to have a couple more lines, provided that they are serving a purpose, of course. Thank you so much for your comments. Very helpful and encouraging.

@Mandamon: pg.1: It's a half-formed thought on my part, I need to clarify or drop. He's choosing which way to turn in his search. It's not that important, I suspect I'll delete rather than expand. pg.5: This is a reference back to The Tontine Inn. Clement was the innkeeper who died in the river, drowned by Sabine (plot-spoiler!!). pg.6: Yeah, there are two bridges. He is standing on the bridge on Silver Street - a proper road bridge on a reasonably main street. Sabine and Judith are standing on the Mathematical Bridge, which is a wooden footbridge. I've attached the cover that I made up for Nanowrimo. If you look past the pretension, and the Mathematical Bridge, you can see the Silver Street bridge in the background. pg.6: noted pg.8: noted. I don't want to go all technical about synapses and hippocampus, frontal lobe, etc. but I'll try and be clearer in these areas. Still, what I'm going for (clumsily, no doubt) is an impressionistic stream-of-consciousness approach. pg.12: I will do my best to address this, but I'm not going to define rules. Blacklake doesn't understand it himself, it's all trial and error, but still, I accept that clarity is important. pg.13: Lack of Sabine dialogue is a good point, that is certainly lacking, I will need to address that. pg.14: Excellent point. I will figure out how to do that, although I don't think it's unreasonable that his first thought is for Judith. No doubt it's something he would return to in personal moments, but I agree it should appear for the reader somewhere. pg.16: Close your eyes - that's basically what Blacklake has to work with - that and mental impressions. I'm probably just struggling to described it, but I'll work on it. pg.16: Agree - like you, I'm not happy with the last line here. It has more work to do and it's not putting its back into it. Overall: I do agree with your comments about the 'magic' system. It needs better foreshadowing / setting up at the start, and some semblance of structure. I accept it's an excellent example of how to break Sanderson's First Law!! I will not go as far as (implicit) rules, but accept I need to work on that. Many thanks for your comments, Mandamon, very helpful and straight to the 'chase' as ever. Much appreciated.

Obvs you've seen these comments before on SRN, Mandamon, but I thought I would post them (slightly edited) in case anyone else was interested in comparing reactions. "I found the rebellion scene and bit cluttered and confusing. I don't doubt that there would be confusion, but I didn't feel that there was a consistent narrative flow through that scene. The Dyad and their supporters were almost completely ineffectual. The guards stood by and let the chaos unfold and had to be ordered forward, which I was not convinced by. Also, the nobles just seemed to stand around a gape. It's hard to believe that this ruling class could remain in charge for more than a month. Ata was the only one who took any kind of initiative. I felt that the conclusion was rather underwhelming in various respects. There's a lack of resolution on Ata, and on the remaining Dyad and I felt that you didn't keep the promise you made throughout in hinting at the relationship between Kisa and Hbelu. They don't even share a conversation after he is freed - certainly nothing meaningful." "I did enjoy the story. Although I've bitched and complained all the way through (where's the threat?!), I never felt that I didn't want to keep reading. I think with a good edit you can massively improve the thing, because I don't think any of our comments and misgivings have been fatal issues. I say again that the core of any good story is its characters, and you have a good pairing there, likeable characters who feel like rounded, flawed and effective people."

Since we're on the subject, if possible I'd like to submit the epilogue of The Mathematical Bridge - it's 1,500 words, so hopefully it will fit in somewhere. After that I'll be done submitting for a fair while, I suspect.

Welcome, those still reading, to the penultimate submission of The Mathematical Bridge. All that remains is the epilogue, hopefully next week. I trust that it is worth sticking around for, but here Blacklake, having somehow defeated Tarquin, continues his frantic search for Judith who Sabine has abducted. Comments very much appreciated. Cheers, Robinski

Well that's good to hear! Perhaps it's something to do with the action, and drastic reduction in people standing and sitting around thinking about stuff. I look forward to your comments.

Ha, cool. I just assumed you were in the US of A like the majority on here. Imagine that. I live in Bearsden, north of Glasgow. Funnily enough, the company I work for used to do mini-hydro work, way back, designed a couple of sites in the north of Scotland and did many studies. We are civil engineering consultants.

Me too please, if there is room.

Tis the eve of the Glasgow Fair, the traditional two-week workers' holiday in the 'dear green place', when the factories emptied and it was a popular tradition to go 'doon the watter' to the seaside towns such as Rothesay, Saltcoats and Dunoon. This was often achieved by paddle steamer (train also an option), including such as the PS Waverley, the last seagoing paddle steamer in the world that it still in operation, built in 1946. So, anyway, happy holiday weekend to me (I get a day off), and I hope you all have an enjoyable, creative and satisfying weekend too

Thank you RDP, as with Mandamon, your comments are very encouraging. I think I was having a bit of 'final chapters of the story' crisis moment as I skimmed through this chapter in prep for submission, so I'm very glad that you liked the interaction and felt that the stakes were raised, and that it was exciting! I totally accept that I need to tighten up on the description and what is going on. At the time I think I was trying for a sort of loose, open to interpretation, disorienting feel, but that can be just plain confusing, so there is some work for me to do there which I think can only help. Thank you very much

Thank you Mandamon, I am encouraged by your comments because I thought that this chapter was a bit loose. In fact it still is of course, as you have highlighted, but I'm glad that things worked for you here and that you found it captivating - generous praise indeed. I'm happy enough that you feel you are asking questions of the character rather than me, and on that basis I will choose not to answer them! Hopefully Blacklake will, through his consequent actions. Points noted. I'll be aiming to tighten the whole flow up and you've nailed the main things I need to hit, the 'psychic intervention' in particular. Super, ta.

Oh come now, the summary doesn't count - surely!

Tracked changes emailed, btw. Also, I meant to say that the Troll Market thing didn't seem to pay-off, but maybe that's a longer line? Still interested to learn what that is.

Detailed comments below, it’s mostly in there, but I had some difficulties. The character exposition at the beginning is rather info dumpy and I skipped through it because I don’t really care about these people yet. If I get to know them I might become interested in their origins, but background does not equal character. Also, the tone of the piece is a lot more comedic than the prologue, I thought. The movie ‘joke’, for me, is way over the top and makes them all look like rank amateurs. All that ruckus before a stealth raid? Might as well sound an air horn. Also, if they’re trying to take them alive, why go in guns blazing? As I mention below, for me , this had the tone of a CSI episode, and US cop shows are ten-a-penny now. It’s not something that I found particularly engaging. I think you’ve got a nice idea with the modernisation of these classic horror characters, but it doesn’t come alive for me in this form. I'm sorry if I'm being harsh, unfair of me as it's a first draft, but I guess that's what critiquing is! I trust you to be a harsh on my stuff -------------------------------------------- If there’s no one there, who told Harker where there secret lair was? That comments doesn’t work for me. Doubt a woman would ‘afix’ her hair – ‘arranged’, or better ‘tied’? The sentence ending ‘New Orleans’ is incomplete. We know it’s a BMW, second mention starts to feel like product placement! So far, the level of banter and the immediate introduction of the team and potter descriptions feels like an episode of CSI Transylvania. Sorry, that’s a cheap shot, but I'm not wowed yet. Maybe that’s what you're going for. I'm sure it would find an audience, but not me personally. I finished with US Cop show when David Caruso left NYPD Blue (yes, I'm that old). The Asian height joke is obvious, but I think you could make it work and not come across as homophobic. I think you can drop the ‘pointed to the ground’ comment. The reader should have assumed by now that these are all capable people, and that none of them would load a shotgun with it pointing at a colleague. Also, wouldn't it be loaded already? Perhaps 'a couple more rounds'? I must admit that Troll Market is the first thing that has made me think ‘this sounds interesting’. The Abrams movie thing makes the team come across amateurish. Experienced operatives would be more savvy. There’s a real comedic tone, like verging on broad comedy, that I don’t remember being present in the prologue. This joking really erodes any sense of threat. Again, maybe that’s what you’re going for. For me, the ‘movie’ joke is over-worked. It comes across like a scene from Spy, the Melissa McCarthy movie. Laying out these specific background details of the team is a rather blatant info dump. Because I don’t know the character of these people, I found myself skipping over all these details. I'm not interested in them as people yet. I think it would be much better to drop feed this stuff in as you go along, unless you’re going to be killing them off, in which case the background doesn’t matter. Another thing, all that laughing and joking around is very unprofessional. It’s delaying them in their operation, and they’re all yakking away so much that there must be a risk they will attract attention. There no indication of them taking cover. I'm no expert, but I think that amount of C4 could bring down the building? Or is that Cemtex I'm thinking of? Anyway – they didn’t seem to step back or anything. I like the ‘licence and registration’ line, that’s funny. I don’t understand the threat from the cane. Is it a sword? They could definitely rush the guy before he choked Jason. Seconds before firing is a long time. I think he should say ‘rust’ just as she fires.

Well, here it is, a week late and over 5,000 words, Chapter 12 of 14, chock full of what passes for action in a Robinski tale. I appreciate your patience and hope that you have the time to read it. All comments very much welcomed. (At least at 5,629 words it’s shorter than Mandamon’s submission from 6th July ;op

He's something of an acquired taste, but I think has (had) a unique voice, and you would identify with his singular style.