Robinski

I think I requested so early that I've forgotten that I did (sign of age). Am I one of those 5?

On the age thing, I'm not convinced I would have got that at the start of Chapter 3, maybe, maybe not. This said, I don't think it would be all that hard to slip in a coule of low key references that subtly imply her age. On the maid-and-butler thing, that's an interesting idea with the dream world thing. You could actually smash the rule to pieces and have the two old guys almost hamming it up, going to outrageous heights of maid-and-butlery just to convey the information to Molly. "That's true, Bert. Jeez, if I was new in town I wouldn't know that." "Yeah, Ernie, and you also wouldn't know that the guy was totally to blame because of that thing he should have done, but he didn't."!! Dunno, maybe that wouldn't fit with the style you're going for.

I'm interested to see that Mandamon also tagged the maid-and-butler thing - and that his reaction too was of it being borderline. That's some nice consistency of critiquing - just goes to show that Reading Excuses is a well-oiled* machine!! One thing did confuse me though - who's Mary? ; o ) (*Reading Excuses neither condones nor decries the consumption of alcohol. Please drink responsibly.)

Once again, I enjoyed your story. It flows well and is enjoyable to read, however I’ve commented below about wordiness, which tripped me up on some occasions. I know this section is not about page-turning action, and I was conscious of reading with my writer hat on, rather than purely as a member of the audience. Still, I think I would find it more (even) more satisfying to read if it was less wordy in places. Apart from that overarching point, everything else I have commented on was detail. Little things that tripped me up were the context of scaffold; the use of flash in photography and the amount of storage space in the back seat of a Model T Ford (which I highly doubt!!). Good job. Nice to have you back submitting, I hope there is more to come. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Page 2 – “It peeked above the grass in a grayish pout, vigilant and greedy looking yet with an undeniable air of laziness about it.” I had to read this description several times and I'm still not quite sure what to take from it. Page 2 – suggest deleting “actually” from the next sentence, it’s redundant. I also don’t know what “It happened to be” adds to the next sentence. Why not “it was”? Page 3 – suggest “the music trailed off into the open air” It’s obviously open air, stating it seems redundant. Page 3 – To me, and I'm no expert, an organ grinder works one of those organs where the handle is turned (ground?) to make the machine play a preset song. Stereotypically, there is a monkey sitting on top of the organ, hence the popular expression! I’ve never heard the term organ grinder applied to someone playing an accordion. Page 3 – “After a brief and entirely unnecessary argument with herself about what to say next, Molly asked the only question there was to ask:” I didn’t see the point of this sentence. If there is only one thing to say, what is her argument about? It implies there was another option, but it’s not mentioned. Page 3 – How does she know it’s afternoon? Page 4 – “an act the two had choreographed and given performed many times before” Not sure given fits in that form. Do you give and act? Page 4 – “more of a clown than a madman” Why madman, has he done anything to suggest that? Her comparison came out of left field for me. Page 5 – “she would’ve liked” I always take issue with a non-specific narrative using contraction, to me, it makes that narrative sound like a person, but there is no narrator identified in this story. Page 5 – You mention accordion and also squeeze-box. I picture an accordion as the large instrument with the full keyboard and set of buttons on either side, whereas I always thought a squeeze box was the small instrument big enough for each size to be covered by a hand span – maybe my preconception is wrong, but in my mind the two terms are exclusive. Page 5 – I’m not sure I would associate laziness with deliberation. To me, they do not sit together. I don’t seen one following from the other. Page 5 – Is Molly a girl? Is that her characterisation of herself, or is she inhabiting some younger version of herself in this ‘dream’ scenario? I thought this was unclear, but I’ve thinking of her as a woman. Page 6 – “Goker stood up slowly, bracing his hands against his knees to push himself up like an old man and grunting slightly in a pleasurable and relaxed sort of way.” To me, the style is sometimes rather wordy. I feel, some sentences contain unnecessary words that don’t add much if anything to the context or the description, but slow down the reading, for example, the above. Page 6 – “to stalk off in the opposite direction of (to?) the cove” I'm not clear if they are going to the cove or away from it. Why not just say “away from (or towards) the cove”? Page 6 – “her legs shaky and unsteady beneath her” Why do you need two words that essentially mean the same thing? Part of the reason I mention this (again in relation to wordiness) is that I do it myself, but I’ve become quite conscious of it lately. I think someone here or in my writing group called me on it. Anyway, the more I think about, I feel my process was, I'm not sure which word is better so I’ll use both, that must be twice as good, right? But I'm coming to a realisation that oftentimes, it just slows down the reader and does not give twice the benefit. Page 7 – “Molly frowned slightly, as though she were being asked to tackle a series of intricate calculations” This sentence made me smile. Page 8 – I know it’s a dream, but I doubt that the back seat in a Model T could accommodate the volume of goods that you describe. Page 8 – I only get the meaning of the word clamouring from its context. It’s not a word I associate with movement. ‘Careering’ or ‘careening’ seem more appropriate in that context. Page 8 – I think this is the first mention of there being fields. That puts a different slant on the countryside and the context. And you then say that she glimpses the first sign of civilisation, but I would take issue with that if they’ve been walking and then driving through fields all this time. Page 8 – A scaffold is a platform and support structure of metal rods and bars, and it would support the canvas, but your description seems to say that the scaffold is the canvas. Page 8 – “images adorning the outside of the wall” I presume she wouldn’t be able to see images on the inside of the wall. Page 8 – “Where are we?” Molly’s question seems completely redundant and rather dense. Does she not believe the sign? It seems obvious where they are. “Is this…a circus?” Really? Page 9 – How is the town lopsided? Page 9 – I'm wondering what the people look like. The houses are described, but not the people, which I would have thought would attract Molly’s attention just as much if not more than the buildings. Page 9 – Where is the monkey when Goker gets out of the car and goes into the house? Page 10 – I'm sorry to harp on about this, but when I encounter a sentence like this, it makes me stop and think about it. It’s probably because I'm reading as a writer and not as a reader, which I guess is my bad! Anyway, sorry but... “When she stepped inside she was not surprised to find that The Firebreather appeared to be some sort of pub.” (20 words) What I'm droning on about is that I feel when reading that I'm treading water to get to the meat of the sentence. I can’t help feeling that this sentence means “Once inside, Molly saw that The Firebreather was a pub.” (10 words) Her not being surprised doesn’t seem relevant, it could imply a judgement about Goker or her impression before entering, but there’s no mention of those points before she enters. Also, what different sort of pub might it be and what is the relevance of that? In the original version of the sentence, almost every term and clause is watered down and made vaguer. I don’t know much about photography in its early days, but even then, I doubt that a photographer would use flash to photograph a circus tent. You certainly would not now, the dissipation of the light before it reaches the distance involved in taking a picture of something as large as a circus tent would render the flash useless, probably even at night, but I didn’t get any sense that the picture was taken at night. I would be reasonable to say “frozen by the camera’s shutter”. (I didn’t get the moniker of Captain Pedant for nothing.) I guess you could invoke artistic licence, but I would imagine all the photographers would be shouting ‘No!’ Page 11 – How big are the photos behind the bar? I got the impression that Molly was some distance away, and yet she can make out this kind of details in the photos? Page 11 – I like the conversation between the two old men. Up to now, the chapter has been very much a description of everything thought Molly’s eyes, with little opportunity for the reader to make deductions or imagine what is happening, but this conversation gives us something to chew on. Page 12 – This part of the conversation verges towards maid-and-butler. Have the two men never had this conversation before? It feels a little like it only happens for Molly’s (and therefore the reader’s) benefit. Maybe I'm overreacting. Page 13 – So far, it hasn’t entered my head, but with the mention of her staying in the town I'm wondering why Molly isn’t recalling that she has a whole life somewhere else. But it’s a dream (presumably), so it doesn’t really bother me, just a passing thought. Page 14 – I don’t think you need to restate the facts of acrobats dying and the man at the bar himself. We’ve just read that a page before and haven’t forgotten. It feels like spoon-feeding. I would suggest letting the reader remember that information and go straight to Molly’s interpretation of her new-found knowledge.

I would have thought it was easier in practical terms to make animal shapes out of vegetables and flatter, garden shapes out of slices of meat.

Thank you Mandamon, straight to the heart of it, as usual. I'm afraid that people standing around thinking is a big part of this story, as you have already gathered, but hopefully we are coming out of that into more active sections in the final third. bout - yes, oops, thanks offscreen magic reveal - Yes, I agree. I will at least try writing a reveal. It will be a challenge if nothing else to describe the magic that Blacklake has, and interesting to see how he characterises it - and how I do! Thanks again, much appreciate.

Thank you RDP for those comments, very useful to make think about the chapter through fresh eyes. Totally accept your comment about the relative amounts of showing and telling. I was conscious on submitting that it was another submission of flash backs and memories. It's something I've been stuck in for large parts of this story, certainly the first part and quite a bit in the second. For example, why do I give Blacklake's account of his walk with Judith as a flashback instead of it happening in real time? Well, in part I think I was trying to show his current state of mind post discussion, so the reader knows how it turns out. But why is that necesary? I don't know. I think there is something about linearity that I shy away from, or did when writing this story. Anyway, thanks for the comment, they will certainly frame my thinking when I come to an edit of this story.

Here is Chapter 10 (of 14) of The Mathematical Bridge. Previously, Judith pondered the attack on her by the woman standing on the bridge. Blacklake came to a decision and acted on it, finding Judith at him and meeting her brother. After a somewhat uncomfortable discussion between the three, Judith and Blacklake were left alone. He finally made a declaration of his feelings for her, although she had to prompt him to do it. They ended in an embrace, with Blacklake making an apology that Judith did not understand. Thanks for reading. Cheers, Robinski

Excellent point on Judith's reaction - I will need to fix that. I know she quesitons her reaction, but you've made some good points there. pg 7 - What I haven't driven home is that these aspects of Sabine's character are uncharacteristic, and Blacklake doesn't recognise them. They are throwing him for a loop. 'Docile' is not what I was going for. That's not a word that should be coming into the frmae here. pg 8 - Good style points on the interaction between Rutland and Jack, both accepted. Lol - there I go telling after showing - thanks for the catch. I might tweak it, 'cause I like the phrase P's and Q's. pg 14 - I hear you, that first scene will come under the knife. I'm very pleased with the intimacy of at and agree that I then proceed to blow it with weak exposition from Judith. I'm glad that you enjoyed the chapter overall. Your comments about the character reactions and how you feel about them are very valuable. Your pyramid of abstraction comment is excellent. I enjoyed reading it if nothing else, but it sets a challenge for me in the edit. That you take away an impression of action and development (to some extent) is good of course, that has to be where I am at this point in the story or I've really dropped the ball. Thank you.

Absolutely, it's great motivator. I don't mind the first draft nature personally. My advice would be get it down rather than falling back into polishing. Having said that, switching on grammar checker would pick up the discontinuities. Like Mr. Wednesday (welcome back!!), I enjoyed the tension between Willow and the powers that be, with Olga speaking out for her, trying to call Klyne off. Nicely done with the scene at the end of the chapter. Like Mandamon, I'm interested to see the wider world.

Yes, okay, I won't comment on the rough stuff, just don't stop writing! In fact, it's not all that rough, easy enough to read with the odd bump along the way. I continue to enjoy the story and liked the pacing of this chapter. My main comment overall is in the relation to the vora, I think the description could be punched up a bit. I didn't have a clear picture of what was going on. What kind of creature is a vora, what does it look like? Also, the description of the destruction, people running, being killed and injured, could be dialled-up a bit (for me) to ram home the threat. Seems to me it's a big change point in the story and it deserves to be more 'cataclysmic'. In general though, I continue to look forward to the next submission - which has got to be a good sign, right? ----------------------------------- "He was sat on the floor..." > 'He was sitting on the floor...' - I know that views differ about such things but, to me, grammar should be correct, unless in dialogue. ‘Where would I stay?’ A suggestive spark shone in his eyes. ‘There’s room in the stables.’ Willow replied innocently. - Firstly, I like this exchange. This (so far) is to date the most natural-feeling conversation with romantic overtones. It seems that Lewis reciprocates Willow's feelings, presuming she interprets his 'suggestive spark' in the same way as the narrative does. "Can't you do it?" is pretty darn suggestive (of his feelings towards her) unless he is too naive for words and/or socially inept. Personally, I don't like phrases like "She searched her mind..." Where else is she going to search? And it's really her memory, accepting that's in her mind of course. It's something to do with stating the blindingly obvious, I think. Why would they exchange poems or songs when they are eating? Maybe this is just a discontinuity in the narrative. Are the italicised lines lyrics? Those words are particularly un-lyrical. Are they holding place or a description of Willow's feeling as she is singing? I'm a bit unclear. I think that section could be extended, either way. She gives up very easily in trying to penetrate his self mockery. For me, the 'spraying the drink' line is inappropriately comical. That's not the tone here and it threatened to crash the mood. I'm not sure how she can "listen to the dull ache in her chest". "He had neither moved nor *spoken*..." Why is he a fool for caring enough about her to want to accompany her to this wise man? I don't get all that much sense of what kind of creature the vora is. I think the description of the carnage it is causing could be a bit more visceral. "Myra* was dead in an instant." There's a real scatter of names on the last page, people talking or being described. I don't remember who they all or. I think its too much, robs from the pace of this section as the reader tries to remember who all the different names are.

If there's a slot from on Monday when the dust settles, I would be pleased to take it. I'd like to finish posting Maths Bridge in the next few weeks, if I can.

Many thanks Mandamon - reaction as follows: Some typos - noted, thanks. pg.2 - confused, reword required; pg.3 - The Anticlimactic Bridge - yes, I'll accept that, need to punch up a bit; pg.3 - artist link = tenuous, agreed, my bad; pg.5 - weakness in linking to Blacklake - I can't refute that, I will need to fix it; pg.10 - yes, Sabine - oops I like to see what you are anticipating, that's very useful - thanks. Hmm, yes okay, lack of conviction in the 'central' relationship. I'll see how others react before commenting on that, I think. Many thanks indeed, good comments.

Chapter 9 of 14, Unbeknown to Blacklake, Judith had an episode while out on her lunch break that she believe was an attack by a mysterious blonde woman. It is put down as a fainting spell and she is sent home to recover. Meanwhile, Blacklake had reluctantly agreed to meet with Judith to try and wind out her motives. He joined her at a reception in Queens College and met an engineering lecturer called Malcolm Watt before an exchange with Sabine that lead to him agreeing to spend the night with her. Comments much appreciated. Thank you for reading on.

I'm not familiar with MRK's oeuvre other than what I've heard on WE, but I'm sure Venice must be a very popular location for stories. It largely came out of about 300 words that my daughter wrote when we were there, but there's no doubt that it's a strange, magical, even slightly absurd place. I mean who in their right mind would build such as place? The Italians, of course!

Yeah, it's my Nanowrimo project from 2012. It's 63,000 words or thereby, and in fact is probably ultimately part of a novel. I was going to write 6 shorts set in various places that I've been on holiday in my earlier years and which made an impression on me (Rutland Water; Cambridge; Cornwall; Venice; The Mediterranean and Norfolk). The breakdown so far is as follows: 1 - To Sail Beyond Sleep (24,600 word novella) 2 - The Tontine Inn by the Shore (17,370 word novelette) 3 - (Cornwall story - 1,170 word outline - so far!) 4 - The Mathematical Bridge (63,858 word novel) 5 - (Venice story - 967 word idea) 6 - (Norfolk story - who knows!) It may turn out that some of those blanks end up being no more than linking scenes that knit the rest together. I can see the climax being in Venice - amazing place, best visited off-season. You had to ask...

Your welcome. It's an enjoyable story, so it's no hardship at all : o )

Another good chapter, but I did have some problems here, as outlined below. Also, there are a lot of typos, but that’s just editing, still, I picked out a few that seemed to be more than that. My main difficulty, I think was Willow’s reaction (or lack of it) to being told she is dying. In fact, she immediately starts making long term plans. That may be you displaying her denial of the facts, but it felt wrong to me. She was worried about the mark before and only after being told it’s fatal starts to ignore the significance of it. It troubled me. I’ve also flagged below how the interplay between Willow and any romantic interest strikes me as awkward, but not in an endearing young-love kind of way. Even with these issues, I’m still enjoying the story, but I'm really unsure now about what direction it will take. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- If it’s raining, is it dew that is gleaming on the ferns, not just rain? I like what you’re trying to do with the giant’s hand sheltering Willow, but I was disoriented by the way it was written. There’s also something wrong with the green shafts. I'm not overly enamoured with the silence being given sentience and allowed to decide how long it stretches for. Does a deer bark? I did not know that. It’s an unusual thought to introduce. I think 90% of people would think of a dog when you put down the word ‘bark’. That line took my out of the story. Love the foreign language line, very clever. “He didn’t appear to respond to that” – Either he responds or not, it’s a matter of fact, it seems to me. “looked at her as if she had an arrow throw through her eye” – Rather strange expression, I thought. Wouldn’t he be filled with concern or revulsion at such as sight? I didn’t sense that was the tone of his expression. “You’ve been gone for two days” – Nice sting, didn’t see that coming. “Olga was stood” – I refuse to believe that is proper grammar, sounds terrible. (Alternative, ‘was standing’). I repeat that this point that I have very little recollection of all these characters, they’re just names. “She ran through the conversation a few times in her mind but none of them turned out well” – There’s only one conversation, which made me feel that the phrasing wasn’t quite right. I would say ‘It never turned out well’ referring to the conversation, although I appreciate that you’re referring to the times – it felt off to me. “It was day after” – typo I don’t think “like a rare creature out from the undergrowth” adds anything to the revelation about her grandmother (Whose g/m – Willow’s or Olga’s?). “It comes not from God” This phrasing sounds like a holy invocation, rather than something used in discussion. It sounded to me like ‘it cometh not from God’. “ashed ashen faced” There are several typos throughout, but seemed like it was the wrong word. “didn’t drop” – Hadn’t dropped the sickle, but I appreciate that the character might just have bad grammar. “I doubt it made a difference...” I don’t follow the train of thought in this exchange. amoungst > amongst “The message that it was time for her to leave was not lost on Myra.” I don’t think this is worth saying. The message is not lost on the reader either – it’s clear what Olga means, no room for any other interpretation. I really don’t think you need to spell stuff like this out to the reader. Leave them things to interpret themselves. “In the solace of her thoughts she Willow was free to disagree” There’s a lack of attribution when you change the reference here from Olga to Willow. Who is Willow being compassionate to when Olga senses it? “People are beginning to talk” – I thought they were already talking at the start of the story. I would guess that they are talking a lot more – and that the stakes could be raised here rather than just restating a situation from three chapters ago. “About her Olga’s grandmother and how she died. About Myra’s father and the healing power” – Again, you don’t attribute the grandmother. To me it’s unclear whether it’s Willow’s or Olga’s. It strikes me here that I'm enjoying that the character’s name is Olga’s – it’s quite a rare character name, I reckon. The phrase “Poor effort at humour” felt modern to me – ironic, where most of the dialogue is straight forward, almost rustic. For some reason it felt out of place. I think is the same issue that I had when the guard came onto Willow before, but I didn’t quite recognise the source of my concern before. “She wasn’t sure who that was but she didn’t like her” – LMAO! Great line. “though inside her heart was in knots” – Where else would her heart be? I'm struggling a bit with the dialogue here. I don’t seem to have the same issue when Willow and Olga, or Willow and Myra are talking, so I have to assume the issue arises when there are romantic overtones to the conversation. I don’t find the boy-girl dialogue convincing. plathora > plethora “if in fact she this thing on her body was going to kill her, then she needed to think seriously about what to do” – I'm puzzled why Willow and indeed Olga (although she seemed more affected), hasn’t had a more emotional reaction to this news. Willow seems to be in denial – which is probably fair enough, but still, I expected more shock. “or at least trying to the place where who she was met up with the needs of the village” – I have no idea what this means – would benefit from rephrasing. “these coming months” – She might not have coming months, she’s just been told she’s dying. It feels like there are assumptions made for the purpose of the story that aren’t founded in an honest reaction to being told about a fatal illness. “They could build a house together” – Again, where is her acknowledgement that she’s been told she’s dying?

Yeah, I'm up for Monday too, if I may, I've got 6 chapters left, but I'll take a back seat if necessary.

Intriguing read. I think it could be tidied up in places, but it asks some questions that I'm interested to learn the answers to. I detect that this is a short story. How many more parts? Good job engaging my interest, although as I noted, it’s already in my field, so I was probably an easy win. Are you going to submit more? ------------------------------------------------------------------- People only on the street with the billboard, I guess, so singular? ‘Top end’ sounded odd to me. I like Tom’s reaction to the message and his feelings of being official. I like the idea of the switching districts. At first I thought it was bonkers, but as I thought around it, I think I can what you’re getting at. I'm a Transportation Planner btw, so that makes it an especially interesting concept from my pov. I mean, how in the hell do you commute if workers come from all over the city to a comment place of employment? Maybe they have to live in particular area. All very interesting. The phrase “switching off between moving districts at perfect timing” was unclear to me. “Tom was averaging about forty-five minutes” I think the repetition steals the punch from that line. “showing up too late” I think this would be better without ‘too’, to avoid the distinction between ‘late’ and ‘too late’. ------------------------------------------ Looking at the other comments, yes, I would go along with most of those. It's an engaging concept for a city that makes the reader want to reader more. That concept holds greater interest than the letter, in relation to which, the same information could be conveyed in fewer words. Interested to read more.

Fantastic comments, guys, thank you. @RDP: understatement - got it; questions raised, good - as long as the story answers them; Watt is a plus - excellent! @Mandamon: like your thought about Watt's survival chances; typos - noted, guilty, thanks; Mary-Sue? - hmm, perhaps I identify with both of them and it's the two halves of my psyche battling it out to the philosophical death; I like your comments about Blacklake's apparent change of tack in relation to Watt, at the risk of him thinking about something else (pesky thoughts), perhaps he should consider that in passing. @Majestic Fox: gritty versus tearoom - not really a conscious thought. Fitzbillies is very real, you can order their Chelsea buns online. There are two stories prior to this, the one immediately so is set in a quiet English village, hopefully scratches the veneer of country life, and tries to be equally gritty. Mandamon can comment; thought process - this was written a long time ago in terms of my writing growth (I trust), I try to cut down on the pondering now; too much telling - noted. Watt didn't work for you - noted - to some extent he's a foil, as you note in your comments on reading; Sabine and her diminution - I hear what you say, glad she interests you. Does this diminish her? Only if it's true. Is she toying with Blacklake.....? Great pace - hem, don't hold you breath : o ) Thanks again guys - really helpful and constructive.

Always interesting to read other comments on this story. Just in case anyone happens to think that I review all the submissions each week apart from Mandamon's, we are in a writing group together with some other grumpy bloke (kidding, Drew!!) so it ain't that way at all!! I share many of RD's reactions, which I find interesting. Kisa's characterisation in particular (for me); the power of the fight with Ilzi (less troublesome in terms of the awkwardness of downright slowness of using Fruit in combat); the cool reveal of Amilanu's slaves. But..... first and foremost, the problem of Hbelu - for me, his profile, some of his reactions and decisions, but overall his presence (or lack of it) as spiritual leader of his people. Still, it's a great story, continue to enjoy it each week. Keep it coming!!

Chapter 8 of 14, the second half of the story begins. I hope there is still something here of interest, and that it’s not all becoming a bit too esoteric. Blacklake had begun to prepare for the exhibition of his paintings at Fitzbillies Tea Room at the suggestion of Judith Carmichael, who works there. He has discovered that he has feelings for her, and she has come to symbolise his escape from the horror of his association with Tarquin and Sabine, who he has manage to elude for some few years by hiding away in Cambridge. The reality of his situation however, is that the two appear to have decided to reel him back into back into their cabal. Sabine has arrived in Cambridge and Tarquin purports to be on his way, to what end Rutland Blacklake does not dare surmise. Blacklake has tried and failed to hide Judith from Sabine, to the extent that Judith suffered an attack as she stood sketching on one of the bridges over the River Cam. The presumption is that Sabine was the attacker. At the end of the last chapter, Rutland reluctantly agreed to meet Sabine at Queens College, where she is lodging. Comments much appreciated. Thank you!

I especially like the stopwatch image - that's cool. I also tend to agree that WE would benefit from a facelift (the webpage, people!!). I do need to point out however that your 'Go Write!' image says "your" where it should be "you're". (My writing group don't call me Captain Pedant for nothing. I tell them that the difference between right and wrong is not pedantry.)

Reading Mandamon's comments: - totally agree about naming the inn; - I had no problem with Lianye being hesitant to trust Ren immediately after the attack. She was shown to be close with Kaeve and seemed to have known him longer. Also, Ren was known to the City Guard. - One thing though, I never for a moment felt that Lianye was afraid - she handled herself bravely, with confidence.